Author's Note: This chapter is intended to be background for what might have been going on in the weeks before Snape's Worst Memory. My next chapter hopefully should be up in about a week or two. Please enjoy and leave reviews to let me know if you like it or not!

Spring, 1976

James shook his head. "I just can't believe you're a fucking rat."

"I've told you, I know it's dumb," Peter's face went scarlet. He, James, and Remus were sitting on the school lawn, enjoying the first sunny day of spring. "It's not what I would have chosen for myself. When I realized I was getting smaller than you guys, I kept hoping I'd be a ferret." The boys had finally achieved their first successful Animagus transformations a few weeks prior. When they had begun the process, they were thrilled by the thought of choosing an animal they could transform into, until they discovered that Animagus animals were predestined.

"Wait, sorry I missed that bit — you were hoping for a ferret?" Remus laughed. Remus hadn't joined in the other guys' teasing of Peter, he was too grateful to them for going through so much trouble for him, but this was too much to resist.

"Yeah," he pretended to laugh along with the rest. "Yeah, that would've been lame, too, I guess."

"Rat's are just so creepy. I still think a stag has to be the best by far." James had been all too proud of his Animagus.

"Well," Peter began, plucking up his courage, "you'll definitely be going stag as long as you keep going after Lily!"

Remus chuckled politely, and James rolled his eyes. A better reaction than his jokes usually got, Peter smiled to himself. James stood up and started walking away, saying, "Whatever. I have to stop in the library."

Peter's world had turned upside-down when he became friends with the gang four years previously. He knew he'd never be as close as the other boys, but when he remembered how lonely he was his first year, before they'd accepted him, he knew that being lonely in a group, while not ideal, would never be as bad as being totally alone. That first semester had been hell. The other boys weren't mean to him, not really, but the indifference was just too much to stand. James was the first real friend that Peter made at Hogwarts. In early January of their first year, James had come into the Gryffindor common room to see several of his classmates frantically scribbling on parchment. He had frowned. "What are you all working on?" he asked.

Remus had looked up from his paper, eyes wide. "You're joking, right?"

James laughed. "Of course I'm joking! So you're still working on it, then?"

But Peter was watching this exchange, and he had seen that right before James had laughed his eyes had betrayed their panic for just a second. Remus had said that he'd be up most of the night finishing his essay, and he told James not to gloat that his was already done.

James had walked across the common room with a practiced nonchalance and sat next to Peter, who was writing as well. "You alright, Pete? Still working on the, er…" he looked to the top of the parchment, "Transfiguration essay?"

"Yes, but I'm nearly done. You can— I mean, I know you said you've finished, and you're better at Transfiguration than I am, of course, but if you want, you can look at mine once it's done. Just to, well… compare with yours."

"Mate, I'm gonna level with you. I don't even remember this essay being assigned."

Peter laughed. "I didn't want to say anything when you were talking to Remus, but—"

"And I can usually turn out an essay in a night, no problem. What's it supposed to be about?"

"It's on the 'potential for calamity when Transfiguring animate objects into inanimate objects, and vice versa.' She mentioned it before Christmas when—"

"What, right before the holiday? Of course I wasn't listening then!" he sighed. "Pete, I'll never ask you this again, but can I copy your paper? I'll change my work plenty, so McGonagall won't notice, I promise."

"Definitely!" Peter had to rein himself in, he was all too excited to be helping someone cheat off his work. "I mean, sure, I guess. No problem."

"Thanks mate, I owe you one." James said, and he meant it, because the next day he had invited Peter to eat lunch with him, Sirius, and Remus. So far, Peter had extended that lunch invitation to the rest of their formal education, because he was still hanging around the group four years later. James would never know how happy Peter was to be asked to cheat on homework, even after James earned an 'Outstanding' on his plagiarized essay, and Peter earned an 'Acceptable' on his original one.

Peter knew how lucky he was to have ended up with this group. The other obvious misfit in his year, Severus Snape, had ended up far worse off. He saw from afar that Severus did everything conspicuously alone. When he finally made a friend other than Lily (God knows why Lily ever put up with him), it was Avery, the meanest boy in their year. It wasn't long before Mulciber joined as well, and Rosier, too. Severus was still alone most of the time, but when he wasn't, he wasn't exactly in good company.

Stop being self-conscious, Severus thought as he sat in the library on his own. No one else is paying attention to you. None of them care that you're alone.

That last bit seemed too true for comfort. None of them cared about him. The other students were too busy thinking about themselves to reach out to him, and that was fine, because Severus didn't need anyone else. He could manage things well enough on his own; he had been doing so his whole life. Severus' father could barely even be called a father; that man had contributed nothing to his son. And his mother was nearly as bad. Her constant episodes had her spending most of her life in bed, not even eating or sleeping, just lying there. She didn't give a shit about her only son, that was for sure. The only thing that she had given him was his magical ability. Severus didn't give her much credit there either; she had done nothing to help him develop his skills, and she certainly didn't stop her husband from kicking him when he was a child anytime he accidentally acted out magically during a tantrum. No, Severus was the one who had spent hours studying, practicing, even writing new spells. His skills were no thanks to anyone else.

He looked up as he heard someone else walk into the library. "Hi Lily," he said, the tiniest quake detectable in his voice. "You ready for the Ancient Runes exam next week?"

She shrugged and gave a small smile. "Hope so. Runes is my worst subject, you know that. I'm sure you'll do alright, though."

"I can help you study, if you want? Not that you need it, of course, but —"

"Oh thank you, but I was actually just returning some books, I'm not staying. Have a good one, Snape."

"Right, well, er — you too."

Severus forced himself to look back at his book to avoid staring at her. They had been growing apart for months now. He knew that she disapproved of his Slytherin friends, but what did she want him to do? No one else talked to him, and the Slytherin crowd understood him.

Lily had once accused Severus of thinking he was better than Muggles. He never told her this, but of course he was! They couldn't do any magic at all! Surely anyone could see that Muggles were pathetic, especially ones like his father, who acted like magic was some terrible omen instead of a gift, who thought it should be punished instead of trained. No, Severus didn't have many good things to say about Muggles, but he didn't think he was better than Muggle-born wizards, not really. The same couldn't be said for the other guys in his house, but Severus wasn't trying to pick fights among his friends. They're just proud of their families, he told himself when people like Rosier touted their pure-blood status. Nevermind that they had only accepted Severus into their group after he told them how much he hated his Muggle father.

Spending time with the other Slytherins could be too much even for him sometimes. Avery often "joked" about how Muggle-borns should never have been allowed into Hogwarts in the first place, and Mulciber never bothered to pretend like he was joking, he just flat out said it. "They just don't belong here. I don't care if it sounds mean, but it's true. At the very least they should have their own separate school. You have to admit, Snape, they're the ones holding us all back here." They were convinced that a school of pure-blood wizards would be stronger, wouldn't have to explain the basics, wouldn't have to dumb everything down. Snape thought of Lily, Muggle-born but top of the class, but kept that to himself.

Mulciber was the one who had introduced Severus to the Dark Arts. He called it "advanced magic," of course, he hadn't referred to it as the "Dark Arts," but that's what it was. He had given Severus a book in their third year, The Production and Execution of Painful Curses, making an offhand comment about how powerful someone had to be to be able to write a new spell, how it was important to know how to defend oneself, how spells like these could be useful in a duel. Severus hadn't realized how dark this magic was until he was in the thick of it. He had practiced his hardest one, Sectumsempra, only once before, when he tried it on a rabbit to see if it would work the way he thought it would. The way he planned it, the spell would just scratch a person, cover them in tiny scrapes, enough to cause a few moments of discomfort that would hold them back if they were attacking. But when he saw blood spot the gray fur of the rabbit, he knew immediately that he had created something much stronger. The rabbit had been slashed all over, and it was still alive, Jesus Christ, it was slowly bleeding to death, so he did his best to heal it, but he didn't know much about healing charms, and though he did his best, the rabbit limped away from him slowly, still injured, and he knew that it would get eaten by another animal before long. Severus was terrified by what he had done. But he wrote the spell down anyway, in the margins of his Potions textbook, with the note: "for enemies."

Writing spells made him feel powerful, and for a boy who had only ever felt powerless, this was everything. He wouldn't give up this new magic for anything, not even for love, which he wanted so desperately. He would do anything to cling to that power. He would become great all on his own, with no one else's help, and he would stand out even amongst the other Slytherins, which was more than that stupid gang of Gryffindors could ever say. They were so inseparable. They relied on each other too much. They were weak. None of them would have been able to make it on their own. James was the worst of them; an insufferable show-off, he needed a crowd to be able to do anything right.

Mulciber took the seat next to Snape. "Heard you were offering to aid one of our magically-talented classmates?" Mulciber said. He loved pretending that he was more powerful than even the best among the Muggle-borns.

"Oh, yeah, I guess," Severus chuckled weakly. "I guess I assumed she might need a hand."

Mulciber scowled. "People act like she's such a genius. All the professors are in love with her, that's the only reason why her grades are okay. Seeing the way Slughorn is around her, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they've —"

"Oh shit! I, er, just realized I'm running late," Severus said suddenly, gathering his books and papers. "I have a meeting, a lesson, er, I mean, I forgot I signed up for extra Apparating lessons, so I have to go. Bye."

Mulciber looked confused but didn't question him. "Okay, later."

Severus hurried out of the library, feeling sick to his stomach. He was so calculated around his Slytherin friends, making sure not to say anything that could be construed as too accepting, but usually avoiding saying anything directly condemning the Muggle-borns.

He felt a hand on his shoulder turning him around. "What's your fucking problem?" James said. Severus dropped his books.

"What's your problem?"

"I heard what you said about Lily—"

"Oh, and you want to be her hero, defending her honor?" Severus snarled as he picked up his books. "I didn't say anything, Mulciber did."

"Yeah well you might as well have. You didn't say anything to defend her."

"Did you?"

James began to stammer in response.

"Exactly. So you might as well have said it too then." Snape began to walk away until suddenly his feet gave way beneath him. James had hit him with a Jelly-Legs Jinx while his back was turned. A couple of onlookers stifled giggles as they saw him fall.

"Watch your step, Snivelly!" James said. This was more for the passersby than for Snape himself. Severus had never come so close to beating one of those Gryffindors in an argument, and James hated the idea that someone might see this interaction and think that Snape had a leg up on him. Even more than wanting to prove a point, he really was disgusted by what they had said. Snape was just listening to this guy talking trash about his friend. James had never understood why Lily had been friends with Snape in the first place. James had overheard the two in the library. "Have a good one, Snape," he heard Lily say. It made him happy to see them growing apart.

James had always thought Lily was pretty, sort of obnoxious, but definitely pretty, but since the start of their fifth year suddenly she was all he could think about. He wasn't sure what changed, she was the same as she was last year, but something was different. Maybe he was the one who had changed. He thought of all things he wanted to do with her, not even just sex, but he also wanted to teach her how to fly, and he wanted her to be there with him and his friends so she could see how well he could make everyone laugh, and he wanted to make her laugh, more than anything.

James did want to be Lily's hero. He wanted to be the one to protect her, and he felt stupid for not saying anything to Mulciber. But truthfully Mulciber was much bigger than Snape, and much more aggressive. He didn't want to get in a fight, not here in front of Madam Pince, and certainly not on his own. If Sirius had been with him he probably would have taken on Mulciber. Everything was easier with his friends around him. They gave him a confidence he didn't have otherwise. James hated being alone.

But he was alone now because he and Sirius were annoyed with each other, not in a major way, but enough that he knew it was a better idea to give his friend some space. James had made a comment, a joke really, that Sirius should have been in Slytherin. It wasn't the first time he had made that joke, either. The first time was in the common room at the start of term when a first-year student had privately asked the guys whether it made a difference to be Muggle-born. They all told him no, it didn't matter at all, but Sirius had still gone bright red, like he always did when blood status was mentioned. "Sirius is just embarrassed because he's an undercover pure-blood Slytherin," James laughed. Sirius had shot him a glare, one that clearly said that he didn't think that was funny.

This time around though it really was Sirius's fault. Sirius had corrected him in front of everyone after James had answered a question wrong in Potions class, and then Professor Slughorn had thanked Sirius and said, "You would do well to keep your eyes on the blackboard, Mr. Potter, instead of your other classmates," with a smile, while glancing at Lily, and James was so mad he wanted to throw something, but instead he muttered, "Nice to have our own undercover Slytherin here in Gryffindor, always ready to make other people look bad," and only Sirius had heard, but only Sirius was meant to hear, and they had barely spoken for two days now. James was already cooling down and he knew that they would be over it soon. They never stayed mad at each other for too long. They were too dependent on one another.

Anyone might have guessed that two teenage boys so similar, so cocky, so competitive, would have become enemies, but somehow these two were inseparable friends. James figured it was because they weren't good at the same things. James was more athletic, Sirius was more charismatic, James was better at Transfiguration, Sirius was better at Potions. They were rarely stepping on each other's toes, going head-to-head in any direct competition. They each had their own fields, their own arenas where they could shine. Sirius had had more luck with girls so far, and that was really starting to get to James lately. It wasn't a big deal in their third year when Sirius was going out with Mary MacDonald, because he was the only one in their year with a girlfriend at that point, so James didn't feel like he was behind his other classmates. But then after Mary, Sirius started dating Diane Montrose, and then they broke up, and now Sirius was moving in on Marlene McKinnon, which would mean that Sirius had had two girlfriends, almost three, and James still had never had one, and he was already in fifth year. This was an issue, especially considering that now other students in their class had started going out as well. Fortunately for their friendship they had never liked the same girl, but this numbers game was not working out in his favor.

That wasn't the only reason he wanted to go out with Evans, of course, but he'd be lying if he said that it didn't add any sense of urgency to the situation. He would do anything to get Lily's attention. He figured that she must not have noticed him before, the way he hadn't really noticed her. That must be the main obstacle. Because once she started noticing him, of course she would have to start liking him! He was funny, he was smart, not as smart as she was, but still… and he was great at Quidditch, that had to count for something. Maybe sometimes his jokes came across as a little mean, but he didn't mean anything by it. He was just trying to get a laugh, she had to see that. Except with Snape, but that was an exception. When James saw Snape, especially when he was with Sirius, it was like something took control over him. He just got so angry sometimes he didn't know what to do. Sometimes James felt like he had missed a lesson on how to be a person like everyone else. It seemed like everyone else knew how to control their emotions except for him. Even Sirius, who hated Snape as much as James, didn't lash out as much. He could contain himself to a few biting remarks without acting out or embarrassing himself. James had no idea how Sirius did it.

Sirius had no idea how James did it. He was so casual about everyone knowing who his crush was, like it was no big deal or anything. He openly gawked at Lily half the time, so everyone knew that he liked her. Sirius knew how to play it cool. That was how he got Mary, that was how he got Diane, and that was how he was going to get Marlene. He never felt that strongly about any of these girls, so that made it easier. Not that he was using them or anything. He didn't hold them in any contempt, he thought they were nice enough and pretty enough. But he wasn't filled with butterflies when they were around, and he wasn't the type who was going to pretend that was the case. He had no trouble pretending to not care because he genuinely didn't. The idea of pursuing someone who he really liked, someone he wasn't sure liked him back, someone who could potentially reject him, was unthinkable.

But Marlene seemed like she would be a decent girlfriend. She was smart and funny, and she got along with all of his friends well enough, so they wouldn't be too bothered if she was hanging around, and she was pretty, too. She would make as good a girlfriend as anyone else would. He knew that Frank Longbottom had a crush on her, but that didn't worry him too much. Frank was a year older, so he had that going for him, but Sirius was more charismatic and more handsome. He could tell that Marlene got flustered around him in a way that she didn't when she was around Frank. He would have to ask her to go with him on a Hogsmeade visit this weekend.

He decided to find her and ask her now. He was still pissed at James about the Slytherin comment, so he didn't really want to hang out with the other guys this weekend. James knew how much it bothered him when he made jokes about his family. Sirius hated his family — really hated them, much more than an average sixteen-year-old would generally hate their family. He hated their pure-blood pride and their intolerance towards anyone different from them. He would do anything to piss them off, to prove that he was nothing like them. For Sirius, being sorted in Gryffindor had been the formal beginning of his rebellion against his family. They were so disappointed when they found out he was breaking the family tradition. That was his invitation to show the world that he didn't put any stock in pure-blood supremacy. James knew all this. He knew that his jokes about Sirius belonging in Slytherin cut deep.

Sirius went looking for Marlene, thinking he would ask her if he happened to catch her on her own. This was unlikely, but he preferred to ask her on her own. He knew that he could ask her in front of her friends, and she'd still probably say yes, but it would be embarrassing for both of them, and he didn't want to feel like he was putting on a display for her. Fortunately, he caught her by herself in the hallway walking towards the common room.

"Hey, Marlene!" He jogged slightly to catch up with her. "How's it going?"

She smiled. "Not bad, and you?"

"Not bad, not bad. Hey, did you have any plans to go to Hogsmeade this weekend? I was wondering if you wanted to go together."

"Oh, er, okay!" She made a vain attempt to restrain a giggle. "Yeah, that sounds alright."

"Great, want to meet by the gate at one on Saturday? We can walk over together."

"Sure, definitely."

"Nice! Well I have to get back to the library, but I'll see you then."

"See you!"

Sirius walked away and actually did go to the library, hoping he'd find Moony there. Unfortunately he didn't, but he did run into James. The two nodded at one another as they crossed paths but said nothing. Sirius sat down, picked up a random book, and started reading. Not ten minutes had passed when he heard a voice behind him. "Interested in mermaids now?" Remus said.

"What?" Sirius asked. He looked at the book in his hands, Merpeople of the British Isles. "Oh, right, I just picked this up because I was bored. You'd think werewolves would be enough excitement for me."

Remus instinctively glanced around, panic in his eyes, but realized that no one was in ear shot. Sirius knew he still didn't like it when they made jokes about his condition in public.

"Sorry. No one's listening though."

"I know, but still." Remus sighed. "You guys figured it out easy enough, and if anyone else pays even a little bit of attention…"

"You think anyone else is paying that much attention to you?" Sirius said with a grin.

"Whatever," Remus said. "I'm just here to pick up some books for my essay for Binn's class on wizards in the monarchy."

Sirius desperately wanted to tell his friend that he had asked out Marlene, and ideally he'd like to work it into the conversation naturally, but he couldn't help himself. "You going to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

"Of course. You?"

"Yeah, but I'm going with Marlene." He scanned Moony's face to see if there was any sign of jealousy or disappointment, but there was nothing.

"Oh, right, you'd mentioned you were planning on asking her out. I'll be there with the guys, but we'll probably just hang out at the Three Broomsticks, so if you're going there you'll have to make sure you sit far enough away from us that James doesn't try to embarrass you by putting Belch Powder in your butterbeer again."

"Ha! I forgot about that. Thanks again for switching mugs with me."

"No problem, mate."

They sat there for a moment. Sirius was aching to get some reaction from Remus, anything to find out whether he might feel anything more about his going out with another girl, but he was at a loss. Remus never talked about liking girls, which made Sirius feel better, but he also never talked about liking anyone. Sirius always felt weird asking him about it. He decided to push it. "So, er… are you planning on asking anyone for any of the upcoming Hogsmeade days?"

"Er, no. I'm not, but I think Prongs might be planning on asking Lily soon," Remus said, avoiding eye contact.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think half our year knows about that, Moony. I was just wondering if you had your eye on anyone."

Remus shrugged. "Not really, I guess." He glanced around, seeming nervous that someone might have overheard their conversation. "Hey, I should really get going on that essay. I'm gonna head back to the common room, but I'll see you later."

"Right, later."

Remus hated Sirius for asking him about girls. He knew that this topic was going to come up in his life, and he would resent it every time it did. He tried not to be a resentful person, honestly, but sometimes he hated his classmates for the way that everything in their lives would always be simple. It would never be simple for him, of course, because if he wanted to date anyone they would inevitably find out about his condition, and there's no telling whether they would be as accepting as his friends. They might flip out and tell everyone else, or even if they didn't do that, they would be silently disgusted. In the best case scenario (which he didn't let himself think about very often), he thought he might find someone who doesn't mind that he's a werewolf, and who would be able to accept him the same way his friends did, and he would ruin her entire life, make her an outcast like him.

Sirius and James would never have to worry about anything like that. Not only that, but they had more reckless confidence than they knew what to do with. His one consolation was that Peter was a bigger loser than he was, so it was unlikely that Remus would be the only single one in the group. Still, he couldn't be sure that that would be the case forever.

His parents were as patient and understanding as could be expected, but it was no secret to him that they were overwhelmed by their son's transformations. He pushed the boundaries of their unconditional love as much as possible while he was in werewolf form, and his mother as good as told him that once. "It's so easy to love you, Remus, I promise. But it's just so hard to live with you." In lieu of a birds and bees talk, he got a talk about how important it was to keep his condition a secret, and how he probably would never be able to get married, and how absolutely necessary it was for him to take every precaution to never have children, because heaven knows how they would turn out. He challenged himself to think about love as little as possible, because it would never be his, so there was no use setting himself up for disappointment.

He had a simple trick to help himself whenever he started losing his cool. When he saw someone he liked and noticed himself fantasizing about them, he would just picture a relationship with them. A real relationship, not just the fun parts, but the parts that he wouldn't be able to avoid. He pictured her families' worried faces, uncomfortably glancing at one another, silently asking whether this whole thing was a joke. He pictured her father having a stern talk with him about wanting to keep his daughter safe. He pictured her terrified face as she sat upstairs in their bedroom on a full moon, helplessly listening to him transform in the basement, while she prayed that the locked cellar door would hold as well as it always had. He pictured himself holding her the next day and wincing because he had fresh scratches and bruises beneath his robes, and he pictured her reaction to seeing the claw marks on his skin when he took off his clothes in front of her.

Once in their third year, Sirius had seen him changing. Most of the boys weren't that weird about changing in front of one another since they all shared a dormitory, and Remus was the only one who had always been careful to make sure no one saw him with his shirt off. It hadn't even registered in Sirius's mind that it was an uncomfortable moment until he saw the scars. "Jesus, Moony, are you alright?"

They had known his secret for a year by that point. "It's fine," Remus said, hastily pulling his shirt over his head and rushing toward the door. "These are mostly healed, they don't hurt or anything," he had added as he walked out. Madame Pomfrey had an elixir that made wounds disappear, but it was slow-working, and he got fresh ones so consistently that he had resigned himself to the fact that the marks on his skin would always be there.

Sirius was the only person who had ever seen him so vulnerable. The thought of it made Remus sick to his stomach. Even though they were friends and he knew that Sirius wasn't judging him, he hated knowing that Sirius would look at him differently now that he had seen the extent of his injuries. He hated the thought of being pitied.

Now, as Remus mulled this all over while walking back to the common room, he was in a bad mood. He saw Prongs and Wormtail talking in the common room and sat next to them.

"Hey."

"Hello, sunshine," James said. Remus gave him a questioning look. "You look crabby," James added.

"I'm not, really. It's just been a long day. Lots of homework."

"Have you finished your History essay?" Peter asked.

"Not yet," Remus replied.

"Me neither," said James. "I'm nearly done though, so I should be finished before this weekend's Hogsmeade trip."

Peter raised his eyebrows. "Why, do you have anything special planned for this Hogsmeade trip?"

"What?"

"I think he's trying to ask whether you were planning on going with anyone special for this Hogsmeade trip." Remus said, his eyes darting in Lily's direction, where she sat on the opposite end of the room.

James rolled his eyes. "Ah. Well, no, because unfortunately I was planning on going with you guys and Sirius."

"Not Sirius," Remus said. "He's going with Marlene. He just told me when I ran into him in the library."

"Oh, right. Okay then." James was clearly trying as hard as possible to act like he didn't care at all, but Remus could tell this annoyed him. None of them ever addressed this, but they all knew that James hated that Sirius had had girlfriends and that he had not yet. Remus could see the frustration on his face and the cogs turning in his head, and he guessed that James would be on edge for a couple of days now.

Remus hoped they didn't run into Snape anytime soon. He knew the way James acted rashly in the best of times, and if he was feeling insecure, everything would go bad very quickly. Remus hoped desperately that he and his friends would be able to finish off their fifth year without any more major outbursts. He loved the other Marauders, but it mortified him when they got in fights and made scenes in front of the rest of the school. All he wanted was to get through his O.W.L.s and make it to summer break without James or Sirius rowing with Snape, James making a fool of himself in front of Lily, or Peter sycophantically going along with whatever James and Sirius were up to. Was that too much to ask?