Rayna
She'd had a lot of time on her hands, waiting for Deacon to finish up and come home for good. She had not gone out with him because she was tired of touring, but sometimes she wished she had. Just to spend a little more time together. He would be home soon though and they could start talking about what was next.
She felt sure he would want to go out on tour again the next summer as an opener. He'd started to get some buzz finally and that had led to his song Saddle Up making it to radio. It had unfortunately not risen very far into the Top 40 and tumbled out of radio play within 6 weeks. Deacon had been both hurt and angry. Hurt because it had meant so much to him to even get that far and then have it jerked away so quickly. Angry because it wasn't the song he thought was the right one in the first place. He was probably right but it was sometimes hard to predict what would be successful. Picking a song that could go the distance and even go number 1 was an imperfect art, as she well knew. But him going out on another tour would affect her and she'd have to consider what that meant.
She had confirmed with the label that she would put out an album for the next touring cycle. It had been 3 years since Big Open Sky, since she had put a hold on putting something out earlier in the year due to the uncertainty of Deacon's involvement. She had started the process of nailing down music, wondering to what degree she would be able to count on Deacon for help with songwriting. There was a song they'd written and recorded back before he'd gotten his record deal called Double Down. A fun, bouncy number that she had enjoyed recording. She had already decided to spotlight it on the album she would also call Double Down.
She had also spent time with her stylist looking at sketches for new stage outfits to replace some of the older ones. As the years had passed, she'd changed her look from the girl next door look in her teens and early 20's to a more sophisticated, and even sexy, style. More rhinestones, deeper plunge necklines, shorter skirts and dresses, skintight pants in plusher materials. The jewelry had gotten bigger too. And then there were the heels. She'd moved away from boots, at least on stage, to stilettos. The fancier the better. She saw herself as a flashier artist on stage, although her music was still true to her journey. She wasn't slutty or risqué – didn't believe she could even pull that off – but she'd wanted a more sophisticated uptown look. She could still remember being tagged as not country enough, although that wasn't unusual with newer artists exploring new styles of music. But now she was more mainstream, and she'd wanted a more exciting look to go along with it.
More than anything, though, she wanted another baby. Even if it meant cutting her tour a little short, it was important to her. She and Deacon had talked about it some just after Maddie turned 1. She had floated the idea then about doing it when Maddie was 4. Two small children would be hard on a touring artist, although she would have done it had it happened earlier. But at 4 Maddie would be a little more independent and not need quite so much hands on attention. 4 years seemed like the perfect time between children. She was ready to talk to Deacon about it.
It was getting later in the afternoon and she wondered when Deacon would be back. She had decided not to tell Maddie he was coming so that the little girl wasn't on overdrive all day long wondering where he was. Maddie was at that age where she could be very single-minded and that could make for a very long day. So, after Maddie's nap, she had sat in the den with her daughter and watched kid movies. After they'd started the second movie, Maddie had asked for popcorn, so she was in the kitchen waiting for the popcorn to finish popping. Just as she took the bag out of the microwave, she heard a door close outside.
She placed the bag on the counter and turned towards the door, glancing over at Maddie. Her daughter was completely entranced by the movie and seemed oblivious to anything else. She waited for the door to open and finally saw what looked like a shadow cross the glass and then the door opened and there he was. He looked tired. The stubble on his face was thicker than usual. His hair was messy, and he had on sunglasses, which he took off as he closed the door. She breathed in deeply, just taking him in for a second, and then skipped across the floor and into his arms. She felt him lean into her, his arms wrapping around her. She slid her arms up his back, soaking in the feel of him. She squeezed her eyes tight as she leaned her face against his flannel shirt.
"Daddy!" Maddie's excited squeal startled her, seemed like it startled him a little too. She looked over and saw their daughter fly across the room, a huge, happy smile on her face, her arms held up.
He gave her a quick kiss and then let her go, squatting down to take Maddie in his arms. "Hey, sweetie," he said, and she could hear the emotion in his voice. "I've missed you so much."
Maddie's little arms were tight around his neck. "I missed you more," she said. Then she stepped back and looked at him sternly. "You need to stay home."
He chuckled softly and she felt a lump in her throat. "I'm not going anywhere, baby," he said, then drew her into his arms again.
Deacon
He breathed in deeply, fighting tears, as he hugged Maddie. He tried to never forget the gift he'd been given when Rayna took him back and allowed him to be Maddie's father. Adult lives were complicated and filled with decisions and choices and compromises but being a father to his daughter was simple. When she was born, he'd promised himself he would do nothing but love her and support her and do everything he could to ensure he could be in her life. It was the one part of all the touring of the past year that had given him serious pause. If Rayna would have come out on the road with him a little more he would have had time with Maddie, but it hadn't happened, and he knew he'd missed so much.
He let Maddie go and stood up, looking at Rayna. They'd missed out on a lot too. There would need to be some serious conversations about the future and as much as he was looking forward to what that meant for him, he was not looking forward to her potential reaction. Of course, he was sure she had things she wanted to discuss too, so it wouldn't be a one-way street. But for now, he was home. And he had really missed her. He leaned in and kissed her, letting his lips linger there for a moment. She grabbed his arms, holding onto him. When he pulled back, she looked confused.
"Ah, listen, Ray, I'm really beat. That was a long drive and I, well, I kinda need a shower or something," he said.
She let go of his arms and gave him a tentative smile. "Okay. So why don't you do that, and Maddie and I can finish her movie. I was thinking about ordering Chinese or pizza or something. Are you hungry?"
He nodded. "Sure. Get whatever you want." He hesitated for a moment, then leaned in and kissed her again. "I'm sorry, baby. I just think a shower will help."
She rubbed the back of his arm. "That's fine. We'll see you in a bit."
He put his palm on her cheek and gave her a half smile, then headed for the stairs. He hadn't realized how truly exhausted he was until he started up the stairs, feeling like he was dragging a thousand pounds behind him. He made his way down the hall to the bedroom and shut the door behind him. He went into his closet and took off his clothes, dropping them on the floor, then headed for the bathroom.
He turned the water on in the shower and then leaned in towards the mirror. He had circles under his eyes, and he could tell he needed a haircut. He felt stiff from riding in the truck. He could still hear the noise of the truck in his head, and he could feel a headache coming on. He turned around and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water slide down over him. After standing there for several minutes he finally took the soap and ran it over his body and face, then washed his hair. He stood for several more minutes, washing the soap and the road off his body, then got out and grabbed a towel. He dried off, then wrapped the towel around his waist and walked back out into the bedroom. In his closet he pulled on a pair of clean jeans and a flannel shirt. As he got ready to head back downstairs, his eyes took in the bed, and he found he couldn't imagine taking another step.
He knew Rayna was waiting, but he thought maybe he could rest for just a few minutes. He crawled onto the bed and closed his eyes, almost instantly falling into a deep sleep.
Rayna
She opened the door to the bedroom and saw Deacon's still sleeping form on the bed. When she had checked on him a half hour after he'd gone up to take a shower, she had found him there, and decided to let him rest. But it had been 2 hours and she'd had to feed Maddie a sandwich because she was hungry, and he was still asleep. She was sure he needed it, but she was disappointed. She'd been looking forward to spending time with him, but she decided she should just let him sleep for the time being. She closed the door behind her and headed back downstairs.
The movement in the bed woke her up. She turned to see Deacon sitting on the edge of the bed. "Deacon?" she whispered, and he turned.
"I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I didn't mean to fall asleep but you know, I was just beat."
"It's okay. Maddie was a little disappointed when I told her she couldn't wake you up, but I told her she'd see you in the morning and that seemed to satisfy her."
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"What time is it?"
"3:30. Late. I'm kinda hungry so I'm gonna go downstairs and get something to eat."
"I didn't end up ordering anything, but there's stuff for sandwiches."
"That's fine." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Go back to sleep." Then he got up from the bed and she watched as he walked across the room and left, closing the door behind him. She thought about getting up too, but then she ended up falling back asleep.
When she woke up again, Deacon was back in bed, turned away from her. She sat up and frowned. "Deacon?" she said softly, wondering if he was awake.
"Hmm," he said.
"Are you okay?"
At first he didn't say anything. "I don't think so," he said finally. He rolled onto his back, and she thought he looked a little pale. She put the back of her hand against his cheek.
"You're warm," she said. "Like you have a fever. What doesn't feel good?"
He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Headache, scratchy throat, like a cold." He opened his eyes to look at her and she could see they were a little feverish.
"Well, you've run yourself kind of ragged, for months now. I guess it's not surprising." She bit her lip. "Do you want to stay in bed? Do you need me to bring you anything?"
"I took something for my headache."
"You want some tea or anything?"
He shook his head. "I just want to sleep."
"Maddie's probably going to want to see you."
"Maybe for a few minutes. I don't want her to get sick. You either." He reached for her hand and she squeezed it gently.
"Okay. Well, get some rest. I'll check in on you a little later and if you need anything, let me know." She pushed his hair off his face. "Maybe you'll feel better later today."
"Hope so," he murmured. Then he closed his eyes and rolled back onto his side. She sat for a couple more minutes, just watching him, and then got up and went to get Maddie.
It was a couple of days before Deacon finally felt better. But during that time, she saw a phone call from his manager come through. She hesitated for a moment, then picked up his phone and connected. "Hello?"
There was a pause on the other end. "Hello. Rayna?"
"Yes."
"Hi. This is Rita. Is Deacon around?"
"He is, but he's pretty sick. Is there a message I can give him?"
"Sure. Let him know I have the contract ready for him to sign. Maybe I could have it couriered over?"
"Contract?"
"Yes, the one for Luke Wheeler's tour next season. I'm sure he's mentioned to you that he's doing that. He and I discussed the offer several weeks ago."
He hadn't, but she didn't want to say that to Rita. "Oh, right. Yes, why don't you have someone courier it over. I'll be sure he sees it."
"Great. Thanks, Rayna. Oh, by the way, hope he's feeling better soon."
"Yeah, me too." She disconnected and then just stared at the phone, feeling like her blood was boiling.
Deacon
He couldn't remember having felt as sick as he was in years. He spent the first 2 days in bed, then graduated to the couch in the den on the third day. Although he had started to feel better, he was still tired and weak. Maddie was excited to have him downstairs and she sat on the couch with him watching TV and brought him soup and tea. He and Rayna didn't talk much, as she let Maddie occupy his time. He finally sat up on the couch when Rayna had taken Maddie up to bed. The headache was finally gone and he was breathing a little easier. He felt extremely parched though and got up to go get water from the fridge. On the way back to the den, he saw an envelope on the dining table and walked over to look at it.
It was addressed to him and when he picked it up and turned it over, it was clear it had been opened. He breathed in deeply and felt his heart pounding. He glanced towards the stairs and then walked over and sat back down on the couch, setting the bottle of water on the coffee table. He opened the envelope and slowly pulled out the papers inside. The first page identified it as his contract with Luke Wheeler for the next season's tour. He closed his eyes, hoping Rayna would understand that he hadn't said anything because he'd been sick. He heard her footsteps on the stairs and turned to watch her enter the great room.
She sat down on one of the chairs opposite him, crossing her legs and resting her arms on the chair arms. He breathed in. "I was gonna tell you about this when I got home, but then I felt so bad I guess I just forgot." He couldn't tell what she was thinking, but he could see on her face that she wasn't happy.
"Okay. I can probably buy that. But you knew about this long before you came home. Why didn't you tell me about it before?"
"Because it wasn't finalized and because I wanted to talk to you in person, not over the phone." He set the contract on top of the envelope. "But you opened this."
She nodded. "I did. Because your manager called and told me she had it ready and wanted to know if she could courier it over."
He frowned. "Why would she call you?"
"She didn't call me, Deacon. She called you and I answered your phone because I thought it could be important. She assumed you'd already told me." He breathed in slowly. "Don't worry. I didn't let her know that it was a complete surprise to me, that you hadn't had the common courtesy to let me know what your plans were. Or even that you had plans."
He scowled. "So you could what, give me permission? Am I supposed to clear everything through you, Rayna? About my career?"
Her eyes were flashing with anger. She didn't say anything at first, then stood up. "I can't do this with you," she said, her voice low and even. She turned to walk into the kitchen.
He got up and followed her, catching up to her just as she reached the island. He grabbed her arm and turned her towards him, and she jerked her arm away from him. "And I can't do this with you," he said. She looked startled as he turned and headed for the back of the house. He stormed into the music room and slammed the door behind him. Then it felt like all the energy had left his body and he stumbled over to the couch and just collapsed.
He had no idea what time it was or exactly where he was when he woke up. He looked around and saw that he was sprawled on the couch in the music room, still in his clothes. He sat up, feeling groggy and a little dizzy. He took a deep breath and then remembered the fight he and Rayna had had about the tour contract. He knew he should have said something earlier, but it had seemed like a better idea to have that conversation face-to-face, as he'd told her. He hadn't planned on getting sick and having the whole thing come out when he wasn't expecting it. Part of him understood why she would have been angry, not hearing it from him. But he also was tired of feeling like she was running the show and that he needed to get her permission to follow his own dreams.
He got up from the couch and walked out of the room and down the hall. The house was completely dark, with the exception of the light over the stove. Other than the faint sound of the refrigerator running, it was eerily silent, as though he were the only person there. He made his way to the stairs and walked up to the second level. As he headed down the hall, he carefully opened the door to Maddie's room. In the dim light of the nightlight, he could see her in bed and breathed a little sigh of relief. He hoped she hadn't heard the argument between him and Rayna. He closed the door and kept walking.
When he got to his and Rayna's bedroom, he stood at the closed door for a long moment, thinking about what had happened. They didn't do this – go to bed without resolving a fight. But this felt like it had been simmering for a while. It still wasn't how he wanted things. He finally reached for the door knob and quietly opened the door. It was dark, but he could still make out her body in the bed, on her side. He walked across the room and undressed, down to his boxers, and carefully slid into the bed. He rolled onto his side, facing away from her. She didn't say anything, so he assumed she was asleep. He laid there for a long time, unable to go to sleep.
"That isn't how I wanted things to go." Her voice was breathy and quiet. He didn't respond at first, but finally rolled onto his back. She turned halfway towards him.
"I didn't either," he responded.
She sighed deeply. "I don't know what to do next though." He heard an aching sadness in her voice and he felt a pit in his stomach. Then she turned onto her side away from him. He lay on his back for a little longer and then turned away from her again.
Rayna
She looked up when she heard footsteps on the stairs. It almost felt like she was outside of her body as she watched Deacon come down and Maddie race over to greet him. He swung her up in his arms and she thought that probably meant he was feeling better. He looked over at her and gave her a little smile, then walked over, still holding Maddie, and gave her a quick kiss. She understood that with Maddie around there would be no opportunity to talk about what had happened the day before. That would have to come either when Maddie was napping or after she went to bed. It felt like it was going to be a really long day.
"You look like you're feeling better," she said. "Are you up for watching Maddie while I go out for a bit?"
He frowned slightly. "Where are you going?"
"I'm meeting Bucky. To talk about my album." She actually didn't have anything planned, but she needed to get out of the house. She would call Bucky and see if he was available.
"You already started on that?" It wasn't the norm. She generally took the back half of the year off after a tour and would start on a new album in the new year.
"Kind of. Looking at songs. I, uh, want to use Double Down. If that's okay."
He nodded. "Sure. We need to do anything with it?"
"No. we already recorded it, so I'll just use that." She walked over to the drop off zone and grabbed a jacket, pulling it on. Then she picked up her purse and keys, sliding her phone into her pocket. "So, I'm gonna go." She turned and walked out the door before he could say anything.
Bucky wasn't in town and then it turned out Watty wasn't either. She didn't want to call Tandy because she really didn't want to talk to her about what was going on. She found herself driving towards the mall. When she turned in, she decided she didn't really want to shop, then noticed the movie theater. So she parked, got out of her car, and walked up to see what was playing. There were a couple of movies that had start times prior to noon and she decided on one named Sweet Home Alabama. She bought a small bag of popcorn and went into the theater.
It had been years since she'd gone to a movie in a theater. She and Tandy would sometimes go to the movies, but that had been so long ago. The only movie she and Deacon had ever gone to was at a drive in and she couldn't remember the movie, mainly because they made out the entire time. It was a weekday, so it wasn't surprising that not many people were in the theater. She walked up the steps and sat in the row 3 rows from the top. It was early so all they were showing was the loop of movie quotes and trivia and what they offered at the concession stand. She slumped down in her seat, mindlessly eating her popcorn, and trying to concentrate on the screen and not get into her head.
Finally, the house lights went down and the previews started. Her eyes were on the screen, but she wasn't really paying attention. All she could think about was that contract and the fact that Deacon hadn't told her about it. When the courier had brought it over, she had debated opening it. She had checked on Deacon and he was sleeping. She went back downstairs and sat at the kitchen table with the envelope in front of her. His name was written on the outside of the envelope and when she turned it over it was sealed.
Had she not known about it at all she would never have opened the envelope, but because Rita had told her it was coming, she felt like she needed to see it. See what Deacon was planning. Finally she slid a nail under the fold. It didn't seem to be sealed tightly, so the flap opened easily. She sat for a moment, breathing in and out. Then she reached in and pulled out the document. It was several sheets of paper. She quickly flipped through it, then went back and skimmed it a little more closely. She could see that it was for Deacon to open for Luke Wheeler from April through September. She saw how much he would be getting, which was a fair amount more than he had on the previous tour, and the length of his set. There were other standard items about accommodations, dressing room space, and other amenities. It had been the same for her back when she was opening for bigger artists. She got to stay in the same hotels, although on lower floors, and she had a small dressing room, plus there were clauses about the band she was bringing with her, which was Deacon primarily.
Her heart was beating hard as she considered the implications. There were no tour dates yet, so there was no way to know how schedules would sync up. She clenched her fist. How could he do this without talking to me? At a minimum, she had been counting on him to work with her on her album, but the truth was, she had hoped he could tour with her as well. She didn't want to hold him back, but she also didn't know how they'd manage a life when they were on completely different tracks. She could feel him slipping away from her and she didn't know what to do about it. Finally, she put the contract back in the envelope and laid it back on the table. He would see that she'd opened it, but she wasn't really sure she cared.
She noticed that the movie had started, but she couldn't focus on it. She kept playing the whole conversation about the contract over and over on a loop. The whole 'am I supposed to clear everything through you' thing burned her. He'd made offhand comments before about her being in charge of everything and she wasn't really sure what she was supposed to do with that. She was a touring artist, with a major tour every year. There were lots of decisions she had to make about set lists and tour stops and she always felt like he was part of those decisions, so she wasn't sure where it was all coming from. She knew she had not handled his abandoning her tour very well. She had heard herself complain about it, including to him, but she felt somewhat justified. He wasn't supposed to tour with someone else after going out with Toby and he certainly wasn't supposed to do that without talking to her. He did have an obligation to her, contract or not, and she had felt like he wasn't considering that at all.
And now she'd committed to this record. It wasn't something she could push off again. It had been 3 years since Big Open Sky, and she couldn't go another season without new music and something new to send to country radio. It had already been more than a year since her last single had released and that was a lifetime when it came to radio play, especially for female artists. She felt sometimes like she'd taken her eye off her own career while she'd dealt with all the change that had gone on since Deacon had signed that record deal. She couldn't help but feel like she was being left without her creative center and it scared her. Why is this so hard? Why do I have so much trouble just being genuinely happy for him? Why does it feel like all the threads that have been holding us together are starting to tear?
She made an anguished noise and then looked around, glad there were only a handful of people in the theater and none of them close to her. She got up, grabbed her purse, and headed down the steps. She turned and walked to the exit, tossing the half empty bag of popcorn away. Then she practically ran from the theater to her car.
Deacon
When the back door opened, he got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. Rayna walked in and, after setting down her purse and keys, shrugged out of her jacket and hung it up.
"So where you'd go?" he asked.
She stood at the edge of the island and breathed in. "I told you," she said.
He walked a little closer. "And I don't believe you." He put his hands in his pockets. "We're gonna have to talk about this, Rayna. You can't just run off somewhere to hide from it."
She frowned. "I didn't just run off."
"Didn't you? I mean, you hadn't mentioned anything about an album since I been home." He held his hand up. "I know, I been outta commission, but that's not what this is about. You're pissed at me. I know it, you know it."
She looked around. "Where's Maddie?"
"Taking a nap."
She walked to the fridge and opened it, getting out a bottle of water. "I think we should wait until tonight."
He walked over to stand next to her. "I think we can finish tonight. We start now." She walked around the island and sat on one of the stools, opening the bottle and taking a sip. "You're right. I shoulda told you about the offer. But the thing is I knew that it didn't matter when I told you. You still weren't gonna be happy about it."
"That's absurd, Deacon. Of course I'm happy for you."
"Are you though? I know I messed up your plans for this past tour. That was always completely clear. And I gotta tell you, it ain't much fun disappointing you. Never has been." He looked away for a second, then back. "To be honest, one reason I took those dates with Alan Jackson was because I didn't want to come home and live with that disappointment. That feeling that I messed things up for you, that I didn't put you first."
She looked shocked. "I can't believe that you'd do that. Why do you think I want you to put me first?"
He shook his head, barking out a laugh. "Because you do, Ray. It's always been that way. You make all the decisions in our lives together. You decide where we live. You made all the decisions about Maddie. It's your world. I just live in it. And the only thing I get to decide is if I'm going to disappoint you or not."
"That's ridiculous. You've made all these decisions about your career. Your van tour. Opening for Toby. And for Luke. And you've already decided about next tour season." She breathed out. "I have to put out an album next year, Deacon. I'm on the cusp of being irrelevant if I don't. I haven't had an album in 3 years. I haven't had a song on country radio in over a year. I haven't had a number 1 in almost two years. And now, because of the decisions you are making, I've got to do this on my own. I can't even count on you to help with this."
"But you didn't really want me to do any of those things, did you? I mean, yeah, you said all the right things but that only lasted so long. You were pissed that I wasn't there to open your tour and you were pissed that I didn't come back after Toby's tour. You say you want this for me, but your actions don't say the same." He pressed his hands down on the counter. "I've lived my whole life doing things your way, Rayna. Being able to have my own career was something I thought I'd missed out on, so I don't know why it surprises you so much that I want to do this. And make my own choices."
"But the problem is that you don't talk to me about them. You just make decisions and tell me after the fact. When there's not anything I can say."
"Except that you do. You say a lot, Rayna. Maybe not always with your words, but with how you react. Like today. You go off so you can stew in it. Feel all righteously angry because it's gonna impact you. I mean, you can write every song on a damn new album by yourself. You don't really need me to do that. You got a new lead guitar player who's pretty damn good and I know that 'cause I've seen him. There's no reason you can't keep doing what you're doing. You just don't want me to do the same."
He saw tears filling her eyes then. He hated that. He had never wanted to make her cry, in all the years they'd been together. Anger he understood, but this always hurt his heart. "I don't know what to say," she said, her voice shaky. "That was never my intent." She took a deep breath, blinking her eyes several times. "But I don't want to do this all on my own. It was never supposed to be that way."
He didn't know how to respond. For most of their time together he'd said he didn't mind not being in the spotlight. He was happy to make music with her and be with her. It wasn't really that he no longer cared about that, but now he had a chance to see if he could do this on his own, and he didn't want to give that up. He wasn't even sure how to navigate going forward. It seemed like they wanted different things and he didn't know how they would resolve it. Or if they even could.
They ended up having to pick up the discussion that night. It didn't feel like either one of them really wanted to do that though. Rayna sat in the den with her writing notebook, but he could tell she wasn't doing much writing. He walked over and sat on the couch, reaching for her notebook and pencil, and setting them down on the coffee table. She looked at him warily.
"I don't wanna fight with you, Rayna," he said.
She hesitated. "I don't want to fight with you either," she said finally. "But I think something's gotta give here. don't you?"
"What should that be?"
"Well, I think we have to be considerate of each other."
"Which means I need to talk to you about everything before I do anything."
She rolled her eyes. "Why are we having this conversation, Deacon?
"I think it's because I'm not doing what you want me to do. It's what I said before. You make all the decisions. I either do what you want or I have to live with disappointing you."
"This is so ridiculous! You've made all these other decisions without me."
"That's not really true though. The only decision I made was about Luke's tour. If I had talked to you about it, you would have talked me out of it." She shook her head. "Yes, you would. You made me feel guilty as hell about doing it. Like I was betraying you or something. Or I was going back on my word."
"You were going back on your word. You knew I was counting on you..."
He shook his head, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "That's what I mean. You told me what you expected and then got mad when I got offered something else. You made me feel guilty for doing it." She crossed her arms and looked away. "You did, Rayna. But it don't have to be like that." She looked back at him. "It feels like I'm having to ask you to 'let' me do this. I shouldn't have to do that."
"But we've been doing this together for all these years."
"Yeah, we have. And I was happy to do it. But this might be my only chance. My last chance. I need you to not make me feel guilty for doing it."
"So you want me to just be happy about it? Like it's not impacting our family? And we're not making music together anymore? I thought we were going to grow our family. I thought we would always make music together. But we're just putting all that aside?"
"It don't have to be so cut and dried like that. We can still do those things, but maybe not as often. Or for a while anyway."
She uncrossed her arms and gripped the seat of the couch with both hands. "I don't know. I feel like we're giving up who we are." She pushed up and walked across the den to the back stairs and he watched as she disappeared to the second floor. He sat back and closed his eyes, feeling like they were just going in circles.
Rayna
She walked up the stairs and down to the bedroom. She walked into her closet and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, then went into the bathroom. Her eyes were red, when she looked in the mirror, and she let the tears roll silently down her cheeks. It felt like they were pulling farther away from each other, and she wasn't really sure what to do about it. She pulled her hair back and splashed cold water on her face, then patted it dry. She didn't know what else to do, so she turned out the lights and got into bed, curling up on her side.
She was still awake when Deacon came in the bedroom. She heard him walk to the closet and assumed he was changing. He turned the closet light out and got into bed, not saying anything. She hated this.
"Re-entry's tough," he said, his voice low and quiet. "A lot's happened and we just ain't really processed it all." He was quiet again. She couldn't think of anything to say. "I love you, Rayna."
She felt her chest tighten. She rolled onto her back. "I love you too, Deacon." He slid his hand over towards her and she loosely laced her fingers with his.
"I don't know what happens next," he murmured. "I don't know if we get through this or we don't. But I'll always love you."
She rolled onto her side to face him and then he did the same. He reached for her then and she moved to let him wrap her up in his arms. At first, they just held each other, then he kissed her on the forehead. Eventually the kisses grew more intense. Then they undressed and came together, almost desperately. The lovemaking was both fiery and frantic and then they were both spent. She was laying on her back, breathing heavily, and he was doing the same. They weren't laying together though and it felt to her like the divide was bigger than ever.