Rayna
When she and Maddie arrived back home, Deacon's truck was gone. She wasn't sure what that meant, if he was just gone for a while or gone for good. Her chest hurt as she thought about the things they'd said the night before and how she'd told him to leave. How did things get to this? Should I have given in? She just didn't know anymore. The day before, when she'd still felt so hurt over his song lyrics, she had taken Maddie and gone to see Tandy. That had not turned out to be a great idea and she had left even angrier than she'd been since she'd arrived. She had ended up calling a friend with a child a little older than Maddie and had spent the afternoon there, not talking about Deacon.
For the second night he'd slept in the guest room and for the second day, she'd left before he got up. She'd met with Bucky to go over tour plans and her record.
"So do you think you and Deacon are going to be able to do some writing?" Bucky asked.
She had looked away. "I'm not counting on it," she said. "His schedule's pretty booked up, it seems."
"Are you still going to use Double Down?"
She considered that and then looked at her manager. "No, I don't think so. Which means that won't be the name of the album. I'm going to try to do some writing on my own, but I'm going to need some demos or I need to write with someone else."
"I think anyone in town would be happy to write with you. It's too bad there won't be any Deacon and Rayna songs on this album, but I know you can come up with enough to fill it up anyway." He looked at her curiously then. "Is everything okay?"
She frowned. "Of course. Why wouldn't it be? Things have just been a little crazy and, you know, it's been the holidays." She made herself smile. "Now that all that is over, I just need to get back to it."
She had left with a plan, although privately she was not enthusiastic about it. She and Maddie had stopped at the Noshville in Green Hills for lunch. Maddie had gotten chocolate chip pancakes that she said were not as good as Deacon's, but then she ate them all. She had a bowl of soup that she barely touched. Finally they'd driven home, where she'd seen that Deacon's truck was gone.
She and Maddie went into the house, Maddie scampering off to her room. She put her purse down on the counter and took off her jacket, hanging it up. She walked over to the stove and put the tea kettle on to heat up. She got a cup out of the cabinet and a tea bag, then turned to the island. That's when she saw Deacon's note. She pulled it over, her stomach in a knot. I'm doing what you said and leaving. I'll be by in the next day or so to get my things. I'll call about making time to see Maddie. I'm so sorry.
She read it over again. Then she put her face in her hands and cried, trying to be quiet about it, but she felt devastated. When the tea kettle whistled, she took it off the heat, not bothering with her tea. She went and sat in the den, unsure of what to do next. His note had said he'd be by in the next couple days to get his things. She didn't want to be around. She got up and went over to the desk where her computer was. She made arrangements to leave town for a few days with Maddie, then called Tandy and Bucky to let them know her plans. Tandy asked to go with her, but she had declined. She needed a break from everything and everybody.
When she was done, she got up and headed for the stairs. She stopped in Maddie's room first, where her daughter was playing with some of her stuffed animals. "Hey, sweetie," she said. "What do you think about going to the beach?"
Maddie looked at her. "Okay. Is Daddy coming?"
She shook her head. "Daddy's gone on the road, sweetheart. It'll just be you and me."
Maddie looked a little perturbed. "He didn't say goodbye."
She breathed in. "I know, but he had to leave really early. You'll see him when he gets back." I hope, she thought. Suddenly she couldn't stand there another second without crying. "I'm gonna pack, baby. I'll be back." And she turned and walked quickly out of Maddie's room, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she went to her own room.
She stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom, trying to pull herself together, but it felt impossible. Each time she thought she'd gotten herself under control, the tears would build up again. She had no idea how she would tell a 3, almost 4, year old that her father had left them, that he probably wasn't coming home, that she had no idea what that would mean for her relationship with him. Damn him. Damn his manager. Damn Luke Wheeler. Damn Belcourt. It probably wasn't fair for her to blame everyone else. His manager was doing what any manager would do. It was what Bucky did. Promote her artist. Get him out there. Help him achieve his dreams. Luke wouldn't know the behind the scenes and how angry she was that he had offered to take Deacon out on tour. Of course, Deacon could have said no. Should have said no. This was all on Deacon. She put her hands on the counter and lowered her head, the tears coming again.
"Why are you crying, Mama?" She looked up, startled to see Maddie behind her in the mirror. She hadn't heard her come in and she didn't want her daughter to see her this way. She turned to face Maddie and couldn't stop the tears when she saw how distraught her daughter looked.
She knelt down and held her arms out. Maddie ran to her and she scooped her up, hugging her tightly, willing herself to be okay for her girl. She wiped her eyes as best she could and then pulled back, looking into Maddie's sad face. "I'm sorry, sweet girl. Mama's just tired. And I'm really looking forward to going to the beach with you." She smiled. "We're going to have so much fun. I promise. We'll go get ice cream every day and we'll play in the pool if you don't want to go in the ocean. We can go out in a boat if you want. It'll be so much fun."
Maddie looked at her a little warily at first, then finally a smile broke through. "And pancakes?" she asked.
She laughed then. "Yes. Pancakes every morning. And you know what else?"
"What?"
"I'll even buy you a new bathing suit. And maybe a floatie. How about that?"
Maddie nodded. "Yes!"
She stood up then. "Well, let's go get you packed up and ready to go, okay?" She watched Maddie turn and run out of the room and down the hall. After a moment, she followed her, hoping that a little time away would help them heal.
She hurried Maddie out to the car after they'd picked up their luggage. It was cold in Nashville and felt even colder after 5 days of sun and sand in St. Croix. They had stayed at a secluded resort with great ocean views. Maddie was a little afraid of the ocean, so they spent most of their time at the pool. She would sit out on the balcony after Maddie had gone to bed, drinking wine, and letting the tears flow that she kept hidden from her daughter. But it had been good to get away and she and Maddie had had a good time. Now it was back to the real world.
When she walked in the back door, she was struck by the quiet. Maddie had fallen asleep on the ride home and she carried her over to the couch, laying her down gently and pulling a blanket over her. She stood in the middle of the great room. The house was so silent. She didn't ever remember it being this silent, even when it was empty. And she felt so alone. The most alone she'd ever felt in her whole life, which felt ironic, considering all the times she'd found herself alone in the past. Almost like she was sleepwalking, she walked up the back stairs and down the hall to the main bedroom. At first she just stood in the doorway, and it was almost as though nothing had changed. Then she took a step in and it felt like the whole atmosphere in the room was different. All the furniture was there but it felt empty. She looked over at the chairs next to the window, then to the bench at the end of the bed. There were no boots there, no shirt tossed casually on the arm of the bench. She clasped her hands together and felt the welling up of tears.
She breathed in deeply and walked slowly around the bed to the closet on the far side. She stood at the door for a long moment and then finally reached out, twisting the knob with her hand, and pushing it open. Without even turning on the light she could see that it was empty. There were no shirts or jeans on hangars. No row of boots on the floor. She walked to the back of the closet to the chest and opened one drawer after the other. Nothing. Cleaned out. Empty.
She sank down on the floor, bent over and sobbed.
She made her way to the music room, bracing herself for what she would find. Or rather, what she wouldn't. She opened the French doors and let herself take it in. In most respects, very little was different. The plaques on the walls featuring her gold and platinum albums were all there. Grammys, CMAs, and ACM trophies were still displayed all around the room. There were notebooks and pencils on the table. But all of those things were hers. It was obvious as she looked around that most of what was in the music room had belonged to her and her breath caught in her throat. What wasn't there were guitars and guitar equipment. It made the room almost look bare to her. The only guitar that was still there was hers. The one she rarely used.
His essence was gone. What had been a creative space now just felt like a room. She walked around and sat on the couch, picking up the notebooks, one after the other. All hers. There was one that was open to a blank page. She looked at it for a long time and then slid down from the couch to the floor, pulling it over towards her. She stared at it for several minutes and then picked up a pencil and started to write.
I fell for a dream
It was not what it seemed
By the time I woke up
I had lost everything
Thought I'd die without you
But I came to life without you
'Cause God has a way of working things out
If not for the music where would I be now
I'm gonna write about you
You bet I'm gonna write about you
She put the pencil down and reread the words. Deacon might be gone but she would go on. It was what she'd always done, every other time he'd failed her or disappointed her. She realized she had a lot to say and that this would be healing for her. She would start over. Keep going. It was all she could do. She read the words again and then she started writing some more. The music would save her.
Deacon
He sat outside a liquor store for a long time before he finally got out of his truck and went in. He went to the whiskey aisle and had stood there for several minutes, looking at the inventory. The store clerk asked if he needed help and he'd said no. It was times like these when it was a good thing that he wasn't so well known and easily recognized. Most people wouldn't realize he was Rayna Jaymes' husband and nearly 5 years sober. He finally picked out something cheap. Something he knew would burn going down. He walked up to the cash register and the clerk rang it up. He opened his wallet to get money and saw a picture of Maddie he kept there. It was taken some time in the summer after she'd turned 1. She was wearing a multicolored one piece bathing suit with a ruffle around the bottom and she was sitting in the little blow up pool they'd gotten for her. The smile on her face was joyful as she sat in a couple inches of water.
He looked up at the clerk. "I changed my mind," he muttered and then quickly walked out of the store.
He drove to the park where he and Rayna used to write songs sometimes and where they used to take Maddie on nice days. He sat and watched children on swings and slides and in sandboxes, their parents – mostly moms – sitting and watching, occasionally getting up to help. He felt tears on his face and then he lowered his head until his forehead rested on the steering wheel, and he cried. Deep wrenching sobs he could feel in his throat and in his chest.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He and Rayna were supposed to be forever. He could feel his heart breaking and he knew all it would take would be for him to drive out of the park and back home. As much as he wanted to do that though it felt like he would just be crawling back down into a deep, dark hole, not so unlike the hole he'd lived in for all the years he'd been drinking. He couldn't do it. He'd have to figure out how to do this without her.
He wondered for a moment, when he turned into the drive, if she would have changed the gate code, but when he punched it in the gate opened as always. He took a deep breath and drove through. Once he had parked, he sat, unable to make his body move to get out. He looked out the side window and up to the roof of the house. He wondered if she'd stay there. It was more house than they'd ever needed. He never really understood why she loved it so much.
It had been almost 4 weeks since he'd left. He'd found a house to rent just one street over from the little cottage they'd lived in before moving to the other side of Nashville. He'd kind of wished that house was still available, but the tenants who'd rented it from them had fallen in love with it and they had agreed to sell it. It wasn't like they were ever going to move back to that side of town, so it had been a wise decision, as it turned out. And probably for the best. He'd bought some furniture – a couch, a couple chairs, a TV, a bed, and another bed for Maddie. Maddie. That was why he was here. He had talked to Rayna – finally – a week before about Maddie. She had seemed numb when they talked, agreeing to letting him have Maddie for a week whenever he was in town until they sorted things out. It would be the first time he'd seen Rayna since the day he left. When he'd come to pick up his things, she wasn't there.
Finally, he opened the door and got out. The cold wind seeped through his jacket, making him shiver. It was the beginning of February and the skies were gray and the temperatures were freezing. The house he was renting had a fireplace and he'd loaded up some wood and planned to spend the week in front of the fire with his daughter. Maddie. He'd missed her. Missed her so bad his heart hurt. It was the one thing about all this that stung. That wasn't totally true, he corrected himself. It had hurt to walk away from Rayna, something he'd never thought he'd ever do, even during the worst of times. But he'd gotten lost in her backwash, struggling to find his place, and he'd known he needed separation. Not that it hadn't hurt to make that choice, but he knew he would have drowned if he hadn't done it.
He was standing at the front door and finally reached out and rang the doorbell. He shrugged his shoulders into the jacket, jamming his hands in the pockets as he waited. Finally the door opened. He had a quick glimpse of Rayna, looking unemotional, before he was bombarded by Maddie, throwing herself at him.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" she squealed, raising her arms for him to pick her up. He did, holding her close, burying his face in her neck, his eyes closed, and he breathed in deeply. "I missed you, Daddy." Her voice was muffled against his ear. He opened his eyes and pulled back so he could see her.
"I missed you too, sweet girl," he said, his voice breaking and tears filling his eyes. He looked at Rayna then and thought her eyes had softened just a bit, but then the mask was back as she held his glance.
She cleared her throat. "Maddie, honey, you need to put on your coat." He set Maddie down and watched as Rayna got her into a warm coat he recognized as one they'd gotten for her for Christmas. Then Rayna squatted down and looked at Maddie. "Will you be good?" Maddie nodded. "I'll miss you." Her voice was breathy and it sounded like she wanted to cry.
Maddie wrapped her arms around Rayna's neck. "I'll be right back," she said, clearly not really understanding any of what was going on. Rayna held onto her tightly until Maddie pulled at her, trying to step back. Rayna took one more hug and then stood up, leaning over to pick up a large overnight bag.
Maddie turned to him and he picked her up, settling her on his hip. Rayna held out the bag and he took it, his fingers inadvertently brushing against hers. She pulled her hand back quickly, the blank look back on her face. "We'll be fine," he said.
She nodded. "I know."
He stood there for a moment, then turned and headed for the truck. He wondered if it would always be like this. He didn't want to be adversaries, but he also wasn't sure what was going to bridge the divide. Rayna had been terribly hurt, he knew, and it had given him pause more than once. But going back wasn't an option. He had to go forward. After he got Maddie settled in her booster seat, he glanced at the front door, but it was closed. He swallowed over a lump in his throat, then got in the truck, turned the ignition, and headed back out the way he'd come.
Maddie had been surprisingly quiet on the drive to his house. When he got there and parked on the street, he turned to look at her. "Where are we?" she asked, looking puzzled.
He cleared his throat. "Uh, this is where I live," he said.
She still looked puzzled. "You live at our house," she said.
He felt tears in his eyes and blinked hard. "Let's just go in first, okay?" She didn't say anything so he opened his door and got out. He walked around the truck and got her out of her booster seat, then grabbed her overnight bag. He took her hand and they walked up the walkway and then the three steps up to the porch. He unlocked the door and opened it, letting her walk in first. He dropped the bag on the floor next to the door after he had closed it. Maddie was just standing in place, looking around. He'd bought a few more things for the house, including dishes and cookware, towels and bed linens, and a rocking chair for Maddie's bedroom. He would need more, but it was enough for now. She turned to look up at him then.
"Where's Mama?"
He sighed. He had no idea how to talk about this and it didn't sound like Rayna had said anything to her either. He swept her up and carried her to the couch, sitting down and holding her in his lap. "Mama's at the other house, baby," he said.
"Why?"
He looked up at the ceiling and ran his hand over his mouth. Then he looked at her. "We have different houses now," he said. "But you have your own bedroom here too."
Maddie looked like she might cry. "I want Mama to be here too," she said.
He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but she's gonna stay at her house."
Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Will I see her again?"
His heart hurt and he held her close. "Of course, sweetie, you will. I promise. But when I come home to Nashville, you'll come stay with me here." He kissed her cheek. "It's gonna be okay." He sighed. "You wanna see your room?" She nodded against his chest. He put her on the floor and then got up. "Let's go see," he said, taking her hand and walking down the hallway. They stood in the doorway to the room that would be Maddie's. It had 2 large windows, which made it light and bright. "We can paint it if you want and we can get anything you want to put in here."
She let go of his hand and walked over to the bed and patted it, then to the rocking chair. She turned to look at him. "Is this where you'll read me stories?"
He nodded and smiled a little bit. While he'd been in Little Rock, he'd had time to go to a bookstore and he was glad he'd picked out several of her favorites. "If that's okay with you," he said.
She walked back over to him and took his hand. "I want purple," she said. He smiled. Purple was her favorite color.
"We'll go get paint tomorrow, okay?"
She smiled for the first time. "Okay. Daddy, can I have a snack?"
He laughed. "How about lunch? A sandwich."
"Okay." She let him lead her to the kitchen, where he picked her up and placed her on one of the stools at the island. As he got sandwich fixings, he hoped that things would go smoothly the rest of the week.
Rayna
She leaned back against the bathroom wall next to the toilet. She closed her eyes and immediately felt hot tears leaking from her eyes down her cheeks. Fuck. Just fuck. Why, she wondered. Why did this have to happen? She figured it had to have happened during that period around Christmas and New Year's, before things fell completely apart. It was still hard to believe how quickly everything had gone to hell. But now it seemed pretty certain to her that she was pregnant, and the father of her baby was nowhere around. She opened her eyes and tilted her head back, looking up at the ceiling, a short, bitter laugh on her lips. She wondered if she was just destined to be alone whenever she found out she was pregnant.
She closed her eyes and the tears came again. She had to wonder though if this would make a difference. If she told him she was pregnant, would he come back. Would he realize they could figure out how to move forward somehow. She wrapped her arms around her waist and bent forward, crying until she made herself sick yet again.
There was a knock on the back door and then it opened. She looked up to see her sister rushing in, looking concerned. She was sitting at the kitchen island with a cup of tea. "Hey," she said as Tandy approached and kissed her cheek.
Tandy sat on the stool and leaned forward. "What's going on?" She looked around. "Is Maddie here?"
She shook her head. "Hannah's got her this afternoon. I think they've gone to buy valentines, among other things." She felt a catch in her throat and shut her eyes, not wanting to cry.
Tandy put her hand on her arm and squeezed gently. "You said something major was going on. I'm assuming it has to do with Deacon." She practically spat out his name.
She breathed in and took a sip of tea. "Yes, it does, although not about him specifically, I guess." She breathed out, clasping her hands in her lap. "I'm pregnant."
Tandy's eyes widened. "What? Are you serious?"
She nodded. "I'm serious. I did a pregnancy test this morning and it's about as positive as it can be. I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday just to confirm."
"Does Deacon know?" She shook her head. "Maybe this time don't tell him."
She couldn't help but laugh. "I think he'd figure it out in a couple months when I start looking like I'm pregnant." Then she felt tears fill her eyes and she breathed in slowly. "I can't believe this is happening. This will be a surprise for him. I mean, we did talk about having another baby, we just didn't talk about specifics."
"When are you going to tell him?"
"Not until I've got confirmation."
"What do you think he'll do?"
"Honestly, I hope he comes to his senses and comes home." She couldn't hold the tears in anymore and started to cry. Tandy took her hand and held it tight, making soothing noises.
"I'd just as soon he stay away," she said, after a moment.
"I know you would, but we're having a baby."
"What if he doesn't want to?"
She started to cry again. "That's what I'm worried about. That it won't matter."
Tandy frowned. "I don't know why you'd want him to come back, Rayna. He's been horrible to you, doing things without telling you, getting mad at you for just wanting to know what's going on. Disappointing you. Again."
She understood Tandy's position. She'd never really been a fan of Deacon's, although she had started to come around when he was able to stay sober and be present in Maddie's life. "I'm worried about him, Tandy. This is what he does. When things get tough, he leaves."
"But that's not your fault."
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe some of it is. But, Tandy, I love him. He's my husband. He's the love of my life. We have a daughter and now we'll have another baby. I can't just give up yet."
Tandy frowned again. "Rayna, I love you, but he walked out on you. What if you tell him this and he doesn't come back? I think you move forward. You have Maddie and you'll have a new baby to take care of. Think about them."
"You're probably right. He probably won't come back. But I have to at least try."
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"I'll have to cancel my tour, but I'm thinking about still going forward with the album. I told Bucky a couple weeks ago that I was planning to do that and all of this with Deacon has really gotten my creative juices going, surprisingly enough. I've lost count of the songs I've already completed, and I have a couple cowrite appointments." She sighed. "I need to do something. I need to stay busy."
Tandy reached over and rubbed her shoulder, smiling encouragingly. "You're going to be fine, sweetheart. You're so strong."
"I hope so. Also, I've decided to move. I don't really want to stay in this house now, so I'm going to be looking for a new place."
"I think that makes sense. And let me know if there's anything I can do. Besides support you, of course, which I'll always do."
She reached out and hugged her sister, the tears bubbling over. "Thanks. I'm really going to need you."
Tandy hugged her hard. "Oh, sweetie baby, it's going to be okay. It will."
Tandy pulled into the driveway of the 2-story cottage on a secluded street off Granny White Pike near Lake Radnor. She turned to look at her sister. "Rayna, this is adorable," she said.
She smiled. "It is, isn't it?" She looked at the façade. It was a combination of brick and stone, with a small, covered porch. Actually more like an entry than a real porch but it was deep enough to provide protection for someone standing on it. It had lots of large windows that let in copious amounts of natural light. There was a gate across the driveway that led to the semi-detached garage that had a bonus space above it. It had a small but beautifully landscaped front yard and a fairy tale type backyard, with trees and a nicely disguised fence for privacy and flowering plants everywhere. There was a bluestone paver walkway that led to the front door. She opened the car door. "Let's go in," she said.
Together they walked up to the front door and she used her new key to let them in. Although the house had the look on the exterior of an older Tudor-like cottage, it actually was less than 10 years old, so it had a modern, yet cozy look to it inside, with beautiful hardwood floors, high ceilings, and an open concept. They could see all the way through to the back of the house and the French doors that led to the little patio in the backyard. Tandy walked around, looking at everything. "Oh, sweetheart, this is gorgeous," she said.
"Isn't it?" she said with a smile. "I mean, I'll miss the other house, but this really is such a sweet place. It looks small from the outside but it's really not. And all the bedrooms are upstairs, which I like. 4 bedrooms, including the nursery for this one." She ran her hand over her belly. They headed up the stairs then to look at the bedrooms.
The first bedroom at the top of the stairs looked out over the front yard. "I was thinking this would be Maddie's room." Because there were dormer windows on this side of the house, it meant there were window seats. She pointed at one. "Maddie could have a couple of book nooks." Tandy nodded. They moved on to the main bedroom. It was large and had a tray ceiling and a luxurious bathroom. She smiled. "Not what I had before, but I think it'll do."
"It's perfect, sweetheart."
They walked out and into the next bedroom. "And this would be the nursery."
"Will you paint it a different color?"
She shrugged. The room was painted a pastel yellow, which she liked. "You know I hate those traditional boy/girl colors. Thank goodness Maddie's favorite color is purple."
Tandy wrinkled her nose. "You're going to let her paint her room purple?"
She laughed. "Lavender. I might do this one in kind of a sage-y green. Or I could leave it as it is. I haven't decided." They passed the hall bathroom and then stood in the doorway of the 4th bedroom.
"What will this one be?" Tandy asked.
"Guest room. Aunt Tandy's room, if she ever wants to stay over." She smiled at her sister. They then turned for the stairs. She linked her arm with Tandy's as they made their way back downstairs.
"When do you move in?"
"Next week. It was so last minute when I made the decision to move and I'm so glad to have found this place. And I decided to buy it. Since it seems like I'm on my own now, I might as well have a permanent place for my kids. And for me." She breathed in, then let it out. "A fresh start."
Tandy made a face, then reached out and rubbed her arm. "I think this was the right thing to do. And you'll have time to get the baby's room ready." Tandy hugged her then. "I know this has been tough for you, but you are so strong, Rayna. You're such a great mom and you'll make this a great place for Maddie and the new baby."
She felt a little overcome with emotion and all she could do was smile and nod. No place would truly be home without Deacon, but she had to move forward.
Deacon
Luke's tour was pretty laid back, he'd found. He usually had at least 2 openers – both male – and they were treated almost like they were members of Luke's entourage. They, and their bands, had full access to everything backstage and, if Luke had separate parties or events, were included in them as well. Rayna at most would have 1 opener, but she had generally gotten to a place where she could carry a show on her own. When she had openers, they would change periodically during a tour. Luke kept his openers for his entire tour, which made things easier.
Luke's tours were bigger than Rayna's. He generally was on the road from April through September. He played large arenas, as well as outdoor venues and smaller stadiums. His shows were typically on the weekends, allowing weekdays free, which worked well for him as far as seeing Maddie. He still wasn't Luke Wheeler's biggest fan, but the tour paid well and it got him great exposure and so he was willing to put up with Luke's beers and trucks mentality. He also sponsored an AA meeting on the road for anyone who needed it, which had been welcome.
Luke had a great band and his band members were friendly. He had become friends with several of them the previous summer and they made him feel welcome again. He did notice that the pretty backup singer Luke had brought on late in the tour was still around. Caroline, he thought her name was. She was younger and prettier than the backup singer she had replaced. She was also friendly and likeable, although he'd tried to steer clear. He had not wanted to get into any flirtatious banter or make it seem he was interested in any way. He wanted to play his music and get closer to his goal of being a headliner himself.
He still wasn't looking for anything, but he couldn't help noticing her whenever she was around. It was the second weekend of the tour that she approached him after the show. Luke usually brought his openers out for his last number before his encore, so he'd been backstage until the show was over. He was headed for his dressing room when she walked up beside him.
"I'm glad to see you're back this year," she said, and he turned to look at her. She was blonde with captivating green eyes. The tank top and jeans she wore hugged her body in all the right places.
He smiled. "Thanks. I am too."
"I'm Caroline, in case you don't remember."
He nodded. "Deacon."
She smiled, a saucy look in her eyes. "Oh, I remember you, Deacon Claybourne. And I'm hoping to see a lot more of you this time around."
He wasn't sure what to say to that. "Uh, I'm heading back to the hotel, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
She touched his arm lightly. "You should come join us at the hotel bar. Most of us are gonna hang out there and kind of wind down."
"Thanks, but I don't drink."
"You don't have to drink, you know. Just come hang out. It'll be fun."
"Maybe."
She shrugged and smiled. "I hope I see you there," she said. She turned and walked off, leaving him standing there watching her walk over towards Luke's buses. He finally walked towards his own bus, undecided about her invitation.
When he got to the hotel, he picked up his key and turned to head for the elevators. He nearly bumped into Caroline, who was standing in front of him with a smile on her face. "So, are you gonna join us?" she asked, looking over her shoulder towards the bar. He could see that a number of Luke's band members, as well as his own, and support staff were there.
"I don't know," he said. He wasn't sure he was up for it, and he definitely wasn't looking for female companionship.
"Think about it," she said. "You look like you could use a friend. Or several."
"I'll think about it," he said. Then he walked around her towards the elevators.
The bus ride the next day from Indianapolis to Chicago was not a long one and they had arrived at the hotel in the early afternoon. He pulled his duffle from under his bunk, picked up a guitar from the bus hold, and headed for the hotel. As he crossed the lobby, one of the road team came up to him with his room key. "You've got sound check at 5:00 so you're free until then," he said.
"Thanks. I'll be in my room if anyone needs me." He took the key and walked to the elevators. As he waited, Caroline walked up and stood beside him. He gave her a small smile. "Hey."
"Hey," she said. "I wished you'd come joined us last night."
The elevator doors opened and they both got on. He reached out to punch his floor number. "I'm just not really into that." He nodded towards the floor buttons. "What floor you on?"
"Same as you." She looked at him curiously. "Okay, so you don't drink. I get that. But it still might be nice for you to hang out with us. It really seems like you could use a little fun."
The elevator doors opened and they both stepped out. "What makes you think that?"
She smiled. "I live in Nashville. It's not that big a city that you don't know what's going on." Of course word had gotten out that he and Rayna weren't together. "I just hate to think that you're sitting in your hotel room moping."
He frowned. "I ain't moping. And I like being by myself sometimes."
"Well, I still think you could use a friend."
He shook his head but smiled a little. "I appreciate that, but I'm okay. I promise." He started to turn in the direction of his room, then looked back at her. "I'll see you tonight." He walked down the hall until he found his room and let himself in. He set his duffle and his guitar case down. He thought about what Caroline said about him needing a friend and not moping in his room. She seemed nice, but he wanted to focus on the reason he was on the tour. He didn't need distractions. He heard a knock on the door and frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone. When he opened the door, Caroline was standing there.
She smiled. "I know we all like to be by ourselves sometimes, but I still think you could probably use a little fun mixed in."
She was definitely persistent. "And you think you should be the one to do that?" He smiled in spite of himself.
She grinned. "Why not?" she asked.
He didn't know what came over him in that moment, but he reached for her hand and pulled her into his room, letting the door shut behind them.
He was sitting up in the bed, the covers drawn up to his waist, leaning back against the pillows. She was laying on her side, propped up with her fist, smiling at him. "This ain't gonna be a regular thing," he said. He'd found out she was a little older than he'd thought she was, that she was funny, as well as being fun.
"Of course not. We're just having some fun." She turned and slid up so that she was sitting next to him, the covers drawn up to her chest. "You know what they say. The road's not real life or real love. But I had a good time just now and I'm pretty sure you did too. Things can sometimes get a little lonely and I, well, I think I'm good company. For more than just this."
"I'm sure you are," he said. She'd been really good at 'this' and it had felt good to be with someone who didn't have expectations. A few minutes went by and he felt her hand on his thigh. She was pretty and she was good in bed and she was...different. All things considered, he thought different was exactly what he needed right then. Maybe it wasn't real life, but it didn't mean it couldn't be what he needed at this point in his life. He breathed out, looking at the clock. He had an hour. He turned towards her, pulling her underneath him.
It was his first time picking Maddie up at Rayna's new house, smaller than the Belle Meade house. She had bought a house in a small neighborhood community, which he thought was a good idea for her and Maddie. And the new baby. That had been more of a surprise than maybe it should have been. It wasn't as though they hadn't ever talked about it, but things had gotten complicated. The last time they'd made love had been Christmas morning. Less than a month later, he was gone. It had been the last thing he would have expected to hear.
Rayna opened the front door at the house. Ever since he'd left it had felt strange going in through the kitchen, so he'd always appeared at the front door. He stood a few steps back, his hands in his pockets. "Hey," he said. "Maddie ready?"
"She is, but we need to talk first," she said.
He frowned. "About what?"
She breathed out, a little testily. "I don't really want to do this on the front porch," she said.
He clenched his jaw and shrugged. "Okay." She stood aside to let him in. She walked towards the kitchen and he followed. They didn't sit down and he noticed she was fidgeting with her hands. "So what's up, Rayna?" he asked.
She breathed in and for a second, he thought she wasn't going to say anything. "I'm pregnant," she said finally, and he felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach.
"What?" He automatically glanced at her abdomen. He hadn't noticed, but then it was winter and she'd been wearing bulky sweaters.
"I'm pregnant. 12 weeks."
He frowned. "How long you known?"
"About a month," she said. He wasn't sure what to say. "It's not like we hadn't talked about it," she said, sounding defensive.
He shook his head. "No, I get it. I just didn't, well, I didn't think it was gonna happen, I guess." Actually, he didn't think they'd ever agreed to try, but there was no point in bringing that up now.
"Neither did I. But it has." She looked into his eyes, and he saw a hopefulness there that he wasn't expecting to see. It would be easy to just go back to her, get through the pregnancy and birth, and see where they ended up. Somehow that didn't feel right though.
He sighed. "It doesn't change nothing, Rayna. I don't know if it would be the right thing to try to put something back together that was broken." He could see tears rimming her eyes and he felt like a heel. But he also felt like, if he went back, he'd only resent her more. It was better to keep moving their separate ways. "I'm sorry."
She shook her head and he could practically see her putting up a wall. "That's what I expected you to say." She turned away. "Maddie?" she called out. "Your father's here."
He could hear Maddie's little feet as she ran down the stairs, launching herself into his arms. "Daddy!" she cried, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him on the lips. He hugged her tight.
"You ready to go, sweet girl?" he asked. She was the best thing in his life. He was grateful to Rayna that she'd given him the chance to be a father to his little girl. He would do anything for her. His head was spinning though. Rayna's news was shocking and unexpected, and he wasn't sure yet how he felt about it. He knew he'd have to figure it out, but he had to focus on Maddie right then.
"Yes!" Maddie cried.
"You wanna say goodbye to your mama?"
Maddie turned in his arms and waved at Rayna. "Bye, Mama. I'll miss you."
Rayna stepped up to them and, putting her hands on Maddie's face, leaned in for a kiss, then stepped back. "You be good and behave for your daddy. I'll see you in a few days. I love you."
"Love you too," Maddie said softly, giving Rayna a little wave.
He wondered what life would be like, with Rayna pregnant and them not together. It would certainly be complicated. He gave her a quick smile. "We'll see you Tuesday," he said. "And we'll talk." She just nodded as he turned and walked back out of the house.
She opened the door. He gave her a tight smile. She was 5 months pregnant now and it felt awkward every time he saw her. They weren't together. He was sleeping with one of Luke's backup singers on the tour. But Rayna was having his baby. These days she would seem a little more defiant. They argued more, although never around Maddie. She was disappointed in him – again – except he thought it was unfair for her to assume he would just come back. It was what he'd always done and it was what he was trying to prove to himself he didn't need to do. He still loved Rayna. He was sure he always would, in some way. But it wasn't enough. He had lived his life to make her happy and he'd needed something different. He needed to make himself happy.
He raised his eyebrows. "She ready?"
"Yep." She turned. "Maddie? Let's go!"
Maddie came barreling down the stairs and he picked her up, hugging her close, their ritual. "Tell Mama bye," he whispered in his daughter's ear.
"Bye, Mama!" Maddie cried. Rayna kissed her goodbye and then he picked up her overnight bag and they headed for his truck.