The doctor had planned to keep Edward in the hospital through his physical therapy, but a short demonstration of his routine exercises for his automail (with Alphonse's help when his muscles became uncooperative), the doctor gave him permission to return to Roy's townhouse.

On one condition.

"You must take your medication. Yes, the muscle relaxant, too," the doctor said, his face serious. "Just because your muscles are healing does not mean they're healed. You're still at risk for spasms and the muscle tissue needs stillness to close all the tears from the spasms you've already had."

"I can handle pain -" Edward started to say, but the doctor cut him off with a stern gesture.

"This isn't about your pain tolerance. If your muscles break down much more, your kidneys could shut down."

"That's okay, the auto save feature is on."

"That feature has been really buggy lately. It says it's saving, but then you close out of the program and it erases, like, all your progress, which is terrible because the assignment is due that night and your professor probably won't give you another extension."

"What?"

"What?"

"Who's even talking right now?"

"I don't know," said Roy, who had apparently been there the whole time. Instead of speaking up earlier like a normal person, he just stood there like a weirdo and watched in awkward silence. "We really need to be more conscious of clarifying the character speaking after each line of dialogue."

"Agreed," said the doctor.

"The point I'm trying to make here is that muscle juice makes the kidneys go bleh and have to go to the kidney retirement home where sadness is against the rules all and everyone is happy all the time," said the doctor.

"I want to go to the kidney farm," said Edward.

"That does sound promising," said Mustang.

At the prospect of free organs, Alphonse barreled through the door. Literally. He left a golem-shaped hole in the wall and $15,000 in damages behind him. But it was okay because Roy had insurance.

"No, I don't," said Roy.

"It's the early 1900s, insurance companies don't exist yet," said Roy.

"Okay, stop that," said Roy.

"You're killing trees," said Roy.

"You know, your readers aren't going to think this is very funny," said Roy.

"You're going to get a lot of nasty emails about how much of a bitch you are and they'll all be right."

what did you do i dont know but i think shes gone oh no she has rsd whats that rejections sensitivity dysphoria it means she takes all insults incredibly personally and now shes run away so no ones at the keyboard to actually type this out okay someone please do something this is giving me a migraine

Adghfasgd

Aafadsasdsaf

Affgssfghcaacfeiufaec

I think oji

I think I got this," said Alphonse after plugging himself into the fourth wall using his inherent Elric meta powers and lack of neurological boundaries. Seriously, have you read the manga? The fourth wall has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. What the heck is Swiss cheese anyway? Switzerland doesn't exist. "Oh, darn. Maintaining the fabric of reality is exhausting. No wonder Truth is always grumpy."

"Being a writer isn't easy, is it?" the doctor said with a self-righteous air field by obnoxiousness. "You have to plan out the plot of the story, then individual chapters, then realize the horrible mess you've made, try to backtrack through future chapters, realize it's ruined but too many people are reading it to delete it, so then you have to go to your therapy swing in the woods and cry while listen to Breaking Benjamin."

"You also have to name characters," said Colonel Roy Mustang.

"Yeah, that's really difficult, especially if you want characters' names to have specific meanings," said Edward This Is Probably His Middle Name Elric. "Like 'golden guardian.'"

"Or 'King War Machine'," said Colonel Roy Mustang Named After The North-American P-51 Mustang Aircraft That Is On Display At The World War II Museum In New Orleans.

"Or Che - oh, he's gone."

The doctor, desolate in his namelessness, had thrown himself out the hole in reality Al had created with his comical bulk and dissolved into inky nothingness, as we are all fated to return to one day.

"But… but the kidney farm," said Edward, his eyes filling with tears. "Alphonse needs those kidneys. He needs all of them. How else will his body filter out the stupidity of this fake update?"

"Oh, that?" said Mustang, waving the nothingness away with his sex god powers to reveal his hallway, in which Riza Hawkeye was standing with her faithful Shiba Inu at her side, which makes no sense because Shiba Inu from Japan and Japan doesn't exist, just like Switzerland.

"Bark," said Hayate.

"Unsavory joke about feminism," said Hawkeye.

"The kidneys?" Alphonse pressed, his soulfire eyes shining with literal blood-thirst.

"Oh, right. Yeah, the portal to the kidney farm is in the bathtub. You just need a butcher knife and, like, ten bags of ice."

"Hooray!" Edward said as he pirouetted across the formless expanse of the house and into the bathroom, blissfully unaware that, not only have there been no confirmed cases of organ harvesting in this manner, but the method itself is completely medically impossible. You would bleed to death before you got a chance to wake up and read the note left to you by the organ thieves.

Oh, look, she's so smart! Look at her! She can just spit out random facts that help absolutely no one! I bet she could do anything with those! Like write an educational Whump fanfic with a prize for the winner, which she can definitely choose because she's not terrified that the other readers will turn against her and accuse her of favoritism even if that person is right!

"Why in the world would they do that?" Alphonse said, unplugging himself from reality before the angst could overtake him.

It's happened before.

"Oh. That is sad. Go take your Prozac and take a nap. Then finish the very last page of Taut and do your homework."

"Who are you talking to?" Roy asked, holding a butcher knife in one hand and a bag of ice in the other.

"Just opening the segue to explain that the real chapter will be posted tomorrow. Happy April Fools' Day?"

"You sound unsure."

"Nothing can be known for certain."

It was clear that Alphonse's connection to the ether had been too strong for too long. Without a single sound, he evaporated into the oneness of the universe and became one with the Tau, so he's basically God now.

Which isn't even a joke, Google Tauism and its relationship to the ideology of Fullmetal Alchemist.

While you're doing that, I'm going to finish the last page of the last chapter.

I'll post it tomorrow.

Really.

im so sorry i couldnt resist please dont kill me