It was the mystical day of love and DK was searching through his tie drawer for the best tie for tonight. He was going on a romantic restaurant date with his girl Candy and he really wanted to make the best impression.
Diddy entered the room, holding a stack of magazines featuring bananas of all sorts. He asked DK to read them with him.
"Sorry, Little Buddy! I got a date tonight!" said DK as he finally selected the perfect neckwear.
Diddy was furious to hear this with his own three ears (he got the third on Craigslist). Diddy stomped his massive big toe down onto DK's feeble jaw and tucked the nail into his tongue, splicing it in twain. "I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE COLLECTING THESE MAGAZINES JUST FOR YOU!" the young chimp roared. He pulled out a pistol and blasted all ten of DK's toes off. The bloody digits flew into the air and exploded like fireworks. Diddy then leapt into the air and swallowed the toe-ish residue, increasing the size and nail-power of [[The Big One]].
"Simmer down, Little Bud!" DK cried, clutching his injured feet. He kissed each effected area and inserted a tooth in their place. Now DK had ten toothy toes and looked good as new.
"BUTTZ! YOU INFERNAL POND GACK!" Diddy howled, pulling out a pineapple and jumping into DK's maw. He tore the pineapple in half with his limp monkey muscles and then shoved one into each inverted tonsil orifice. Now DK could taste nothing but tangy pineapple acids.
Candy kicked open the door and screeched something awful like Ridley from Metroid.
DK stammered out an apology as he pointed to Diddy who was still lodged in his throat.
Diddy was so grouchy at Candy for ruining his big day with DK. He sneezed hard and REAL-LIVE LASERS shot out and hit Candy in the eyes, shattering them like glass.
"OH DONKEY KONG!" Candy screamed. "This is all your fault, you big banana-for-brains! Now I am blind!" She put on special glasses and was no longer blind, but now she looked majorly dweebish.
"Candy, I can explain!" DK shouted, his tears dripping rapidly due to the fear of rejection from his ultimate bae.
Candy took out a deagle and blasted a hole in DK's tie, causing it to turn into a viscous substance related to oatmeal and wood glue.
DK wept even harder as the death of his tie was upon him. He clutched the deceased fabric and shot more tears out like a broken fire hydrant.
"PAC-MAN!" shrieked Diddy, growing seven more legs as his DNA mingled with DK's pineappley tonsil humours. He then began practising his kickboxing on DK's uvula.
DK's ability to weep was halted by the utter pain in his uvula. He reach in deep and grabbed expert hold of the gag-organ betwixt his thumb and forefinger.
"Skadoosh!" DK said as he flexed his pinky.
Diddy gasped, not expecting DK to have known how to perform the Wuxi Finger Hold in conjunction with Monkey Mouth Syndrome.
The room inverted in colour and then collapsed in on itself as DK's Wuxi Finger Hold caused gravitational strife between Kongo Bongo and the moon.
Candy was still mad and kicked over a box of wood shavings (except they were in a pail, so it was actually a pail of wood shavings).
Cranky finally arrived. He had seven rings in hand and something up his nose.
"Barnacles..." Diddy cursed. "My magazines are still awesome though." He unhooked his toenails from DK's esophagus and slunk to the icebox. He stole the banana pudding. He took the roast beast!
"Camels, dudes!" Funky stated with immense coolness as he opened up his heart to the world via satellite TV.
"Don't you have satellite TV?" asked Candy to DK.
DK shook his head because he was low on wallet wages and had to cut the cord or else he had no more Netflix Squid Games for a month.
Candy was so mad because DK did not have the Disney Channel so she could not watch the latest episode of Amphibia and write cool fanfictions about it.
Diddy wondered if fanfictions were so much cooler online. Thusly, he began composing one on Microsoft Word. He did not use fanfiction dot net because he was an AO3 fanboy and hated Chris Thorndyke even more than his own mother.
"What did I do to deserve such hatred from you, my dear child?" asked the ghost of Diddy's dead mum.
"You gave away my Sega cartridges to Cousin Jeremy!" Diddy answered with fire in his sticky eyes.
All of a sudden, Cousin Jeremy came by DK's bumpin' bungalow. The audience cheered and showered the cousinly individual with praise. You see, Jeremy Kong was the coolest ape on the island and that's what made him a true Oscar-nominee for the past two years.
Cranky eyed Jeremy with ears inside-out and breaking into a bottle of ketchup. The ketchup glass entered his olden canals and scraped his eardrums harshly. Cranky bled orange juice from his damaged drums and Funky quickly lapped it up justly.
DK turned to Candy. "I wish to date you tonight because today is a loving holiday. However, I think Diddy is my best buddy and I must do cool bro stuff with him today."
Candy nodded in agreement. "I hate your guts anyway and we are no longer dating because we are no longer baes," explained the incredibly pretty woman. She then gave DK the most righteous smooch of all time. Diddy watched with envy in his pumpernickel bread. He carefully pulled the envy out and shoved it into DK's scrapbook on page 99.
DK closed the scrapbook very gently and then smooched Candy back with a rubber chicken that made a cool squeaky noise. He then did a cartwheel and then did a somersault. And it was all your fault. Yeah, it's all your fault.
"It's you we love, Donkey Dude!" cried Funky, spraying cheese whiz at Bluster's Barrel Works.
DK did a skipping motion and then sat atop Diddy's banana magazines. He then let go from the flingiest device inhabiting his being.
Diddy watched as the magazines transformed into a beautiful display of "scratch-n-sniff". He and DK did a cool high-five afterwards and then sat down and binged fifteen straight hours of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
Cranky whistled to the song and accidentally spat his dentures out. They fell onto DK's precious noggin and chomped down on his second nose.
"Oh my... I was gonna use that later..." sighed DK, his leftmost eye sagging backwards.
Diddy smiled and contorted his entire body until he was the exact same size and shape as a replacement nose. DK picked up Diddy and stuck him back onto his face using some natural peanut butter as an adhesive. DK sniffed a squirrel's tail and then nodded with mostly brilliant enthusiasm.
"Numbskull..." Cranky bitterly quipped before driving off to Canada with his favourite wrench still stuck inside his ribcage.
FIN
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY