(Season 5)

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His brain tumor was the scariest thing he'd ever lived through. Yes, he had been a prisoner of war and he had been tortured and threatened with death, but how does that compare to someone telling you that you have a tumor in your head that might kill you? A tumor that they might be able to remove and through no fault of his own, could come back. A tumor that they might not be able to remove that would grow and grow until his brain was destroyed. As a prisoner of war, he had been tortured and his life had been threatened, but he had known who his enemy was and he could resist. You can't resist a brain tumor and the thought of something growing in his head that would eventually destroy him made Booth fear what that would do to him, what he would become. Luckily for him, his partner had got him into surgery right away, so he didn't have a lot of time to think about it while it was happening.

The tumor had been removed and his surgeon was optimistic that it wouldn't grow back. That was the plus side of things. The negative side was the fact that something had changed in him and he wasn't sure what that change was. He knew that his memory was faulty. For one thing, when he had awakened from his coma, he had thought he was married to his partner, Temperance Brennan. He was so sure that they were married, but it had been the left over dream from his coma that was influencing him. After several conversations with Sweets and Cam he came to accept that the marriage was just fantasy. He could accept that. Well, he had no choice, didn't he?

He found that he had forgot how to do plumbing work, something he'd learned as a young boy helping his grandfather work on his house and the houses of his friends. He owned colorful socks and ties, but he wasn't sure why. They didn't seem to conform to standard FBI dress codes. Those socks and ties had bothered him, until he realized that if he owned them, then he must have them for a reason and that reason was to wear them. A simple truth that had taken weeks for him to realize and accept.

Booth worked cases with Brennan and they seemed to do their work with the same rate of accomplishment that they'd had before his brain tumor. His confidence grew as the months went by and he seemed to be returning to his old ways. Cam pointed out some changes in his life that he hadn't noticed, but he decided not to worry about them. He was still Seeley Joseph Booth, son of Edwin and Marianne Booth and the grandson of Henry Joseph Booth. He was alive, his health was improving and as far as Booth was concerned, he was on the road he was supposed to be on.

Then one day, while looking through a photo album in his living room, the pictures of his son as a baby triggered a memory and that memory made him feel sick.

Brennan had wanted a baby before he'd discovered that he'd had a brain tumor. She had talked him into donating some of his semen for her to use to make a baby. Why he had agreed to that, he didn't know. That was the old Booth and the new Booth knew that he would have never agreed to do that. Did she still want his baby? Was she pregnant already and no one had told him because of the crazy changes in him? What if she wasn't pregnant, but she still wanted to have his baby? Did he have a right to stop her? He had volunteered to give her the semen. No one had forced him to do it and just because he didn't like the idea now didn't legally mean anything. What kind of friend would he be, if he demanded that she have the semen destroyed? What kind of man would he be, if he went back on his word?

That night, he found that he was too restless to sleep. The thought of being a father to Brennan's baby made him fear the future. He knew that she didn't believe in love or marriage. His partner didn't love him and didn't want a physical relationship with him. She had made herself quite clear outside the Hoover. She had told him that she didn't have his open kind of heart. She wasn't a gambler. She was a scientist. She couldn't change. That seemed to say it all. She didn't want him. But what if she wanted his baby? He didn't know what to do about the situation, but he did know that if he didn't want to lose Brennan's friendship, he would have to tread very carefully.

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Sitting in the Royal Diner, waiting for their lunch to be served to them, Booth stirred some sugar in his coffee and tried to ease into the conversation he wanted to have. "So . . . um, I had a dream the other day . . . and um, well, I dreamed that you wanted a baby and I was going to help but not . . . but, not in the normal way two people make a baby." He hoped she would take the hint and talk about it.

"That was a memory, Booth." Brennan sipped her coffee, glanced out the window at the rain drizzling on the street and sidewalk and turned back to look at her partner. "Before you were diagnosed with your tumor, I had considered having a baby. You seemed like the logical candidate to be the baby's father since you have exceptional traits. You're attractive, intelligent, loyal, brave . . . all characteristics that I would like to pass on to my progeny."

"But you're not looking for a husband or a boyfriend?" This was a little confusing to Booth. "You just want a sperm donor?"

She could see that Booth didn't remember anything about her contemplation about having a baby and the fact that he had already given a donation to her. "At the time, I was considering have a child, but before we went to the hospital to have you examined you told me that you didn't want me to go through with it, that if you were going to be a father, then you had to be the father. I told you I wouldn't have the baby and that was the end of the conversation."

Relieved, Booth sighed. "Okay . . . um, good. So, you're not going to have a baby or just not have a baby with me?"

"I'm not going to have a baby, Booth." She had thought about having a baby with Booth, but while she was sitting in the hospital room, waiting to see if he would ever awaken from his coma, she had decided that if there was to be a baby, it had to be Booth's baby. If he didn't survive his coma, she would consider having his baby, but if he survived then she would forgo having the baby. She knew her partner and he had been right. He couldn't passively stand by and watch her raise his child. He would want to be involved and she didn't know how far that would go. It was better to just let that dream fade with other dreams she'd had in the past. She was meant to be alone and she now accepted that.

The sadness in her voice made him pause. Was he depriving her of happiness? "Maybe someday the right guy will come a long and you'll decide to have a baby with him." He knew it would never be with him. The scene outside the Hoover had dashed all hopes that they would ever get together. She didn't want him as anything other than a friend and a partner. It was hard to accept, but she had a right to say no and he had to accept that. Once she said no, she never changed her mind. "Who knows what the future will bring?"

"No, I shan't have any progeny." Brennan had no expectations about ever having a baby of her own. Some people went through life with few ties to other people and she was one of them. "I accept that."

Booth felt sad for Brennan. He wanted to comfort her, but he wasn't sure how to do it. He wanted her to be happy, but most people have to find their own happiness. Anything he said wouldn't really bring her happiness and he didn't want to rain platitudes on her. She didn't deserve that. "Um, well, okay." He wished he could tell her to use his donation if she really wanted a baby, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words. Perhaps he was being selfish, but to have a child running around that was his and have no rights to be with the child would be heart crushing. He just couldn't do that. "Well, you have friends and your father and your brother in your life. You're not alone . . . I'm sorry, Bones. I just . . . I just couldn't sire a baby and then watch someone raise it and not be involved. I don't live with Rebecca, but Parker is my son and I try to be the father he needs. He is part of my life and I'm part of his. Any child I produce has to be in my life. I'm not my father. He never cared about his kids, but I do. I love my son and if I ever have anymore kids, I'll love them too."

"I know, Booth." Brennan knew that her partner was an emotional man and a man of responsibility. He couldn't walk away from his responsibilities. That was one of the best traits she admired about him. "I understand. Don't worry about it. It was a logical step to take at this time in my life, but not a necessary one. I'm fine."

He hoped she was. He didn't want to be the cause of her sadness. What a mess. We're both never going to get what we want and that's that.

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