For Kami.
A one shot based on last night's episode and one of our favorite songs "I'm With You" by Vance Joy.
Even from thousands of miles away, I'm always with you my favorite Belgian Waffle. Thank you for being you.
I saw you standing there
Sandy blonde hair, the way it came tumbling down
Just like a waterfall
And if you need a light
I'll be the match to your candle
For as long as he can remember, Elliot Stabler has always had demons. The kind that follows him everywhere, haunt his every step. The kind that make him question every decision he's made. Maybe it was that catholic school boy in him, the need to ask for penance. He would never be able to count the times he'd wake up in a cold sweat, drop to his knees and say a prayer and ask for forgiveness. He realized that sometimes it was easier asking for forgiveness from God than the physical, real people in his life. Maybe it was because he didn't have to see the look of disappointment on God's face, didn't have to hear how he'd hurt him.
Saying he was sorry, asking for forgiveness…those were two things Elliot Stabler struggled with. Add to the list he thought. Talking about feelings. Admitting when he was struggling. Asking for help…those were high up there too.
As he runs through the park, a daily occurrence now, the one thing keeping him grounded actually, his mind is reeling. It's betraying him. Usually he can turn it off. But lately, lately the voices are getting louder. The taunts, the never ending accusations, pointed fingers. He'd spent most of his adult life trying to do what was right. But he learned quickly that what he saw as right wasn't always what the world thought was right.
He took pride in his job. He wanted to protect people. Yes, part of it was the fact that his Father had been a cop. But he knew deep down he wanted to protect people the way he felt he hadn't been protected. Being able to keep the people he loved safe, that was important to him. Because as a child, he hadn't felt safe. He'd wandered around waiting for the other foot to drop, for his Mother to have an episode, for his Father to berate him, hit him. He never felt settled.
He wished he could say he was a perfect Father but he knew he was far from it. As much as he loved his five children, he'd made mistakes, many of them. Many mistakes that had led to their pain. No matter how many people told him not to feel guilt over Kathy's death, he always would. He hadn't set the bomb off, but his job, his actions had led them there, hadn't it?
Yes, guilt weighed on him always. Guilt dragged him down to the deepest darkest parts of the ocean, squeezing his lungs, making him want to scream. Guilt was heavy. The heaviest and most painful and he felt like he was never going to get away from it.
His feet pounded hard on the pavement, his breath came in ragged shallow movements. His lungs were burning, and he felt himself getting dragged down to the bottom of the ocean once more. Still he pushed on. Sometimes it felt like if he stopped moving he'd die. Maybe that would be the easy way out but he kept moving. Not for himself these days, but because of that need for forgiveness, penance, to find a way to make things right.
As he rounded the bend, his foot landed on a wet leaf. It had been raining for days now, perfect for his mood he thought. But as his foot hit the leaf, his knees buckled and he slid forward, unable to keep his balance. It felt like it happened in slow motion, but he knew it was only a matter of seconds. Down he fell, crashing into the hard ground below him. The pain was immediate, yet for some reason it felt good.
His knees made contact first, the crunch and the groan that left his lips startled him. But as he continued to fall, the only thing he thought of was I deserve this. He rolled, sliding down the little slope to the left, his back soaking into the wet ground. He felt it everywhere, burning pain filling every part of his body. When friction finally took hold and he stopped, he stared up at the gray sky, new droplets of rain falling and hitting his face.
Each one seemed to be one of those demons coming to torture him once more.
Kathy.
His children.
Cragen.
Munch.
Fin.
Ayanna.
His Mother.
His Father.
Olivia.
Olivia.
Olivia.
Olivia.
Always Olivia.
As the rain picked up speed, the fear, the frustration, the sadness and regret began to feel like burning hot lava in his chest. And it took a moment before he realized he'd erupted, a loud strangled scream coming from his lips.
"Sir?" he jumped slightly, looking to his left he saw a man and a woman watching him carefully, "Are you alright? Do you need us to call someone?"
He lay there, breathing heavy, trying to remember how to speak but no words seemed to come out, "Did he hit his head?"
"Maybe we should call 911." A third person said walking towards them, "He could have a concussion or-"
"I'm fine." He'd said it in barely a whisper but they realized he had said something. Slowly, he pulled himself up, his body protesting with every move he made but he was determined to stand, "I'm…I'm fine."
The first man approached him slowly, offering a hand of support to help him up the slope, "Are you sure? That was a pretty bad fall…"
Elliot looked out his outstretched hand and wanted to take it. And yet…he didn't. He never did. Swallowing hard, he brushed the matted wet leaves from the front of him and took a step forward, grimacing as the pain in his knee doubled, "I'm fine."
But he wasn't fine, and as usual everyone around him knew it. Doing his best not to limp, he found the path again, this time choosing to walk, mostly because even if he tried, he knew he couldn't run. He was walking slower than everyone else and he knew it. He wasn't surprised when the couple came up behind him again, "You know…everyone needs a friend now and then."
Elliot paused, "A friend?"
The man shrugged, "A friend."
Elliot, my friend…you're doing the right thing.
And suddenly, a friend felt exactly like what he needed. Falling down on the nearest bench, the rain came harder and he pulled up his hood and reached for his phone. It was early evening and he had no idea if she was still at work, or with Noah. She had a life. She'd built a whole life without him and he was so fucking proud of her. But he hoped, God he hoped that right now she still cared enough to be there for him.
He'd say his penance later but right now, he felt like if she didn't answer, he'd finally fully drown. "Hey El."
He leaned forward, hissing as he did, "H-hey Liv…um look I know that-"
"Where are you? Why do you sound like that?" She sounded worried, and he felt sorry for thinking it but it felt so fucking good to know she still cared. "El? Are you okay? What's going on-"
"I'm…I'm alright." Looking down at his knee he realized he was bleeding and he couldn't stop the laugh that left his lips, "Actually…that's a lie. I'm a fucking mess…"
He heard her sigh, heard her shifting around, "Where are you?"
Tilting his head back he looked up at the rain filled sky, his eyes burning with unshed tears, "I'm sorry Liv. I'm…I'm so fucking sorry. For so many things."
"Elliot." The use of his full name caught his attention, "Just tell me where you are and I'll be there. Okay? You're scaring me…"
Lifting his free hand, he wiped nervously at his nose, "Because you still care?"
He heard her sigh heavily, "I've always cared El. We both know that. Even when I shouldn't have…" Silence filled the line for a moment before she asked again, "Where are you?"
Taking a slow deep breath he whispered, "I'll text you the location." He heard her keys, heard her talking to someone, probably Fin or Amanda, "And Liv?"
He heard the ding of the elevator as she dropped everything to meet him, "Yeah?"
"Thank you." His voice cracked as he spoke, "Thank you for being my friend…even though you should have given up on me a long time ago."
He heard her inhale sharply, "Everyone deserves a friend Stabler. And if nothing else…you and I have always had that." She paused for a moment, "Just hang tight. I'll be there as fast as I can. Okay?"
Closing his eyes he nodded slowly though she couldn't see him, "Okay."
And then he hung up, quickly sending her the address. The voices started again and he bent in on himself. Starting his prayers, his penance, his silent plea for forgiveness. Maybe this time he could say it for real.
My darling, I'm ready,
to burst into flames for you
I was just coasting till we met
You remind me just how good it can get
As she drove, Olivia thought about life with and without Elliot Stabler. When she'd first met him, she'd been thrown for a loop. He was not part of her plan ever. She'd gone into her job at SVU expecting to not need anyone, not get attached to her partner. But from the moment they met, there had been something different about him.
She knew most people didn't understand him, didn't see him the way she did. And yes, she would never deny that he'd completely shattered her by walking away…but she also had to admit that having him back meant more to her than she ever could have imagined. The thing is, even after ten years apart, Olivia Benson knew Elliot Stabler better than anyone in the world. She understood how his brain operated. He spent so much time worrying that he was going to disappoint people, worrying about what they thought. He acted tough, pretended like he didn't. But it mattered to him. It mattered what the world saw and thought of him.
She often wondered if that was why he had left. Years and years of IAB pressuring him, telling him he wasn't cut out for the job. Years of the job wearing him down. He never let her in, never voiced his real pain and sadness. But she could read him like a book. She knew what went on inside his head, the war that raged within his heart.
When he first showed up last year, she'd been angry. She'd be honest about that. She'd had moments of wanting to unleash that anger in all the ways he deserved. She'd said a few things, let it be known that all wasn't forgiven. But lately, lately she wanted to just find peace. At least some level of peace. There may always be a strain between them, may always be ghosts that haunted them…but she felt like maybe they did this together, they could navigate it. Just as they had done for years as partners. Dodging each bullet, facing each battle, side by side.
She knew what she wanted. And it seemed…he wanted the same thing. When he'd asked her twice now to spend time with her and Noah, she'd said no. That they needed to wait. But she didn't want to wait. She'd said it because she felt like he needed it. That he had to figure out what he wanted, how to navigate his grief.
She'd been worried, very worried. But she saw little glimpses of the Elliot the world didn't know. He was trying. He truly was and that meant the world to her. As she parked the car, she glanced out the window and spotted him immediately. She'd know him anywhere. He was sitting on a bench, hood up over his head, the rain pattering down on him. He looked…defeated. And she knew that this would be the test to see where they were headed, to see if he was ready. If they were ready.
Grabbing the umbrella from her backseat, she stepped out onto the pavement. Her boots clicked against the black pavement, the only other sound besides the rain. He seemed to sense when she approached, because his body language changed. He'd been stiff, rigid and then she saw his shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath before he relaxed.
Walking up beside him, she slid her hand into her pocket and smiled, "You look like hell Detective."
A pathetic laugh escaped his lips, his hands rubbed along his soaked sweatpants, "Feel like it too."
Holding the umbrella over him, she reached out to place a hand on his arm, "Come on. Let's get you home."
He frowned and looked up at her, "I don't want to go home…"
Sighing she squeezed down on his shoulder, "El…Lucy has Noah at my place. I just…I don't think it's the best idea to bring you there right now. It's not fair to him."
He licked his lips nervously, worrying he'd disappoint not only her but Noah too, "Will you come with me then?" She just stared at him, "I'm not sure I have the right to say this…but I really don't want to be alone. Eli is staying with Maureen for a bit since I've been in and out. And my Mom is with Kathleen tonight. And you're the only person I want to be with."
Her heart jumped in her chest, he was looking at her so intensely she knew even if she wanted to, she couldn't deny him. His body was shaking, she wasn't sure if it was from his obvious fall or from the cold rain. Or maybe, he was falling apart and finally not afraid to let her see it. Bending at the knee, she slid her hand under his arm and began to lift him, "I'm with you El." He relaxed against her slightly, "I'm right with you…"
Sighing, he leaned against her finally feeling something, anything. Feeling safe in a way. Feeling like he belonged. That he wasn't being judged. He let her head him to her car and the only thought he had was that he needed her, more than anyone and he was tired of denying it.
Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you
Tell me you don't
It feels like you do
Looking like that, you'll open some wounds
The ride to his apartment was mostly silent and she didn't push him. Whatever he was feeling he needed to process on his own and she'd let him take all the time he needed. Just the fact that he had called her showed he had come a long way. When they pulled up out front, Elliot directed her where to park. He groaned as he tried to move, his knee was throbbing and he knew it was going to hurt in the morning.
Before he could stop her, she was rounding the car, opening the door and reaching for him, "Come on old man…"
He laughed again and leaned into her again, "I'd fight you on that but I'm feeling every bit of old that you're talking about."
She smiled and slid her arm around his back, holding his hip. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, reveling in the feeling of her pressed against him. God he'd missed her. "Can you make it up?"
Elliot nodded slowly, "Just go slow…I think I hit my knee harder than I thought."
"We're going at your pace here Stabler. Take your time." They took one step at a time and she opened the door for him. "Your knee is definitely bleeding…we should clean it."
Rolling his neck side to side he sighed, "I think I need a hower…I'm freezing."
"Okay." She nodded, "But can I look at your knee first?" He just stared at her and she smiled, "Humor me, would you? Just so I know you don't need a doctor or anything…"
He sighed and limped towards the bathroom, "Yeah. Fine…I'm too tired to fight."
She followed behind him, and then suddenly stopped, wondering if she was overstepping a boundary. He groaned loudly as he sat down on the edge of the toilet, "Fuck…"
"You really are a mess aren't you?" She said with a sad smile.
He watched her as she knelt down pulling items from below the sink. He thought back to the last time she'd been here cleaning his wound, or at least she'd tried.
You know, that cut looks bad.
Yeah. You have any hydrogen peroxide?
I don't need hydrogen peroxide.
It's in the bathroom under the sink.
She moved around with ease, like she belonged here. And little did she know, she did. She'd always belonged. Always been part of him, the biggest part and he was damn tired of pretending otherwise. He watched her intently as she moved towards him, pulling off his sneakers and carefully rolling up the hem of his pants. He grimaced when she got closer to his knee, "I'm sorry…that hurts?"
"Just stings." He said with a sigh as she carefully extended his leg, "I'm fine."
Rolling her eyes she reached for the cotton swab and began to dab at his knee, "Like hell you are…"
Her eyes darted up to his and they both knew they were thinking of the same moment. One of their last days together whether they realized it or not. She was gentle as she cleaned his wound, eyes focussed on her task. "You'd have made a good nurse…"
She smiled and shook her head, "I don't know about that. But I've cleaned a few wounds from time to time. Noah didn't quite get the riding his bike thing…poor thing had his knees all scraped up for months."
Leaning back against the toilet he whispered, "You're a good Mom Olivia." She faltered slightly but kept going, "I haven't met him yet…but I know it. I always knew you would be."
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she looked up at him and whispered, "Well…I learned a lot watching you over the years El." He just stared at her, shocked by her words and she shrugged, "I can't tell you the amount of times I've thought to myself over the years 'What would Elliot do?'"
He huffed and ran a tired hand over his face, "I'm not sure I'd be the one to take parental advice from Liv. I think my kids hate me…"
Dropping her hand down she smiled sympathetically at him, "All five of your children love and adore you. They may be sad…but it's because they know you're sad. They just want you to be happy Elliot. That's all any of us want."
Taking a rattling breath he whispered, "Do I deserve to be happy?"
Dropping the cotton ball in the trash, she stood up and whispered, "Yeah El. You do."
He watched as she walked towards the sink to wash her hands. Slowly, he pushed himself up again and reached out to turn the shower on. Steam began to fill the bathroom and he couldn't wait to climb in. He needed to wash this shitty day off of him. The only problem was, most of the days lately had been shitty.
Without thinking, he began to pull off his shirt forgetting she was even in the room. But when he heard her inhale sharply, he froze and he knew what she'd seen. The tattoo. Proof of how far he'd gone under. Maybe she was right when she'd said he'd gone undercover again, this time as Elliot Stabler.
He bowed his head slowly, he couldn't face her, his face red with embarrassment, "I didn't have a choice…"
Turning off the sink, she walked towards him and lifted her hand. He held his breath as her fingers reached out to trace the lines of the skull and the card, "It could be worse…"
His eyes closed tightly as he fought the urge to lean into her touch. To ask her to come in the shower with him, "Liv…"
She couldn't help herself as she leaned forward and pressed her lips against the black mark, right between his shoulders. Her lips were gentle, soft, everything he'd dreamed they would be. And he wanted to taste them, wanted to feel them on every inch of his body. "Take a shower El…"
Her hand slid down his back and his body temperature rose slowly. He turned quickly, reaching out to grab her hand, suddenly afraid to let her go, "Wait…"
Smiling softly, she untangled her wrist from his grasp but squeezed his hand gently, "I'm not going anywhere El. I'm with you…I've always been with you."
Letting her hand go slightly he knew that was more true than she even realized.
How does it start?
And when does it end?
Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you
But is it too soon?
To know that I'm with you
There's nothing I can do
He knew he'd been in there a long time but the hot water made him feel like a new man. It pounded down on him, erasing the anxiety he felt. At least for the moment. But as the water turned cold, those fears began to creep in again. The feeling of failure, disappointing all the people in his life. Richard Wheatley had made him 'confess his crimes' and he'd felt sick the whole time. But what if, what if he was right?
What if he was just as crooked as Frank? That's what scared him most. Being the very thing everyone always assumed of him, the very thing he'd tried so fucking hard to get away from. He didn't realize he was crying, long hard sobs wracking through his body as he stepped out of the shower.
But Olivia had heard him, and she was knocking on the door, "El? You okay?"
Leaning forward, he braced his hands on the edge of the sink, "I'm-I'm fine Liv. I'm-"
"Elliot…" She knew better than to just barge in, "El…I'm coming in."
His body shook, the pain in his limbs from the fall searing through him. The frustration, emotions, grief, sadness, all of it building up inside of him. He reached quickly for a towel and wrapped it around his waist, "Liv…"
This time he didn't even try to pretend that he was okay. Didn't try and turn her away. And a moment later she was opening the door, reaching for him as she'd done in the park, just as she'd done so many times before even though he didn't deserve it, "Liv…"
She wrapped her arms around his wet back, her hand sliding against the muscles of his back, "I've got you El…I've got you…"
The sobs continued to erupt from his lipos, rattling his chest as she walked him out of the bathroom and down the hall. His room was dark, the storm had gotten worse and there was little light left outside. But she guided him carefully towards the bed, helping him sit down, "I ordered some food for you…thought you might be hungry."
He leaned forward, his fingers digging into his knees, and he hissed as he touched the cut on his knee, "Liv…"
"Okay…" Suddenly she realized just how far gone he was, "Alright, El, I need you to breathe."
He squeezed his eyes shut tight, all those fucking demons felt like they were dragging himd own again. Pulling, punishing, torturing. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe. The only thing he seemed to be able to say was her name, "Liv…"
Kneeling down she reached for him, pressing her hand to his arm, "Elliot, you aren't alone. Okay? You aren't alone. I'm right here with you."
A strangled cry fell from his lips, "Fuck. Liv…Liv I can't…I can't."
He bent forward, and slowly she wrapped her arms around him, "Yes. You can…breathe. Just breathe El. Breathe…focus on my voice."
He reached for her, pulling at her waist, wrapping his arms around her waist, needing her to ground him, "I've failed…I've failed everyone. I'm so fucking sorry."
Frowning, she inhaled sharply, startled by how tight he was holding her. "What are you-"
"My kids…" He hiccuped loudly, "My parents…my friends. Kathy…" He shook harder, "You…got I've failed you again and again."
Pressing her lips to the top of his head, she squeezed tight, "Elliot…you didn't fail us…"
He squeezed tighter, afraid that if he let go he'd lose the last piece of hope that was holding him together, "Yes. Yes I did. I'm so fucking sorry."
She felt him slipping off the bed and further into this panic attack and she knew she had to move him. "Come here…"
He didn't even fight her, just let her move and sit down on the bed, resting her back against the headboard. Pulling him closer, he fell to her lap, resting his head on her legs and wrapping his arms tightly around her. His towel slipped and she knew just how vulnerable he was in this moment, she'd never seen him like this and it broke her heart. The room was cold and goosebumps erupted on his body. Reaching forward, she pulled at the comforter, rumbled up beside him and wrapped it around him, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."
Her hand rubbed up and down his back, across his neck, trying to soothe him as best she could, "I'm with you El…I'm right here with you. Just breathe. Breathe…"
He only curled himself around her tighter, crying for all he'd held in, all the demons that were still trying to pull him down below the surface. But she was a life raft, pulling him back out again, protecting him, guiding him. And he was afraid to know what would happen without her.
And sometime around one
We fell asleep to escape from the sun
And we woke up to the sound of a storm outside
We stood at your front door
You looked at me and said "Baby, this rain changes everything"
And my heart ran away from me
He woke with a start as a crash of thunder rumbled outside the window. His heart was pounding hard, so hard he could feel it pressing against his chest. When his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he blinked twice and turned, feeling a kink in his neck. "Hey…"
He knew that voice.
His throat burned and then he remembered how hard he'd cried. His body ached all over and he awkwardly rolled so he could look up at her, "Hi…"
She shifted slightly and his body fell towards the pillow beside him allowing her to scoot down on the bed. He didn't know how long they'd been like that, she was probably uncomfortable as all hell but she didn't protest or show any sign of pain. Her smile ignited something in him and he wanted so badly to kiss her, to thank her, to tell her all the things he'd held in for so long.
He tried to speak but his voice got caught in his throat, "L-L-"
Reaching out, she ran her fingers along his cheek, "Hang on…I'll get you some water."
Sighing, he felt the mattress dip under her weight as she moved. He heard her moving around his apartment with ease, once again proving she belonged here. She always had. She belonged right beside him. When she came back, he sat up slightly, too tired to sit up completely and took the glass. He took a sip and felt the cool liquid slide down his raw throat, "Thank you."
He took another sip before she took the glass and rested it on the bedside table, "Better?"
Slowly he nodded and reached for her hand, needing to touch some part of her, "Better."
"Good." She whispered softly, "If you're tired I can let you sleep some more. Or…I can order you some dinner and-"
"Am I like Frank?" It was clear his words had surprised him and he leaned back on the bed again, "Am I a crooked cop? Do I bend the rules? Break the law? Do I hurt people to gain something for myself and-"
"Elliot…" She shifted closer to him but he continued to talk, his fingers running along the length of her palm.
"IAB, The Brass…everyone always said I would end up like one of them. Said I was unhinged. Unprofessional. They assumed I'd bring you down with me." He whimpered, "And here I am…proving them right."
"Hey…" With her free hand, she turned his face towards her, "Elliot…what are you talking about?"
Another flash of lightning illuminated her face. He felt so overwhelmed with love for her that he pulled her closer, "You said yourself last year…they told you to stay away from me."
"As long as you've known me…have I ever listened to what they tell me?" She said with a soft smile. "I make my own choices El…always have. Always will. And I'm choosing to stand by you…"
"You shouldn't." He whispered, but his hand tightened around her wrist, "You shouldn't. You should run and never look back."
"Or maybe…" She whispered, "Maybe for the first time I'm right where I belong…"
Licking his lips, he felt her leaning closer, "Hey my friend Olivia…" He paused and so did she, "I love you."
Taking a deep breath, she smiled and leaned closer, "Hey my friend Elliot…" Leaning down, she pressed her lips to his and he let out a sigh of relief, "I've always loved you."
His eyes burned again and he pulled her closer, "I need you."
Leaning over him, she kissed him again softly, "I'm with you El…I'm right here with you."
Despite the ache in his limbs, he felt lighter, freer, calmer than he had in months, years really. And he knew it was because of her. They didn't need to talk, because it seemed that just as in their partnership, they read each other's minds. That right here, right now, they were ready to take this final step, needed to take this step. His hands shook as he reached out for her, beginning to tug on the buttons of her blouse.
He heard her boots clatter to the ground below. Her lips never left his, but her hands moved to push the comforter aside soon followed by the towel loosely around his waist. Her fingers danced along his abs, dipping into each line of his body. He sucked in his breath, his body already reacting to just her simple touches.
Pushing the silky material over her shoulder he trailed his fingers along the newly exposed skin, "I failed you…"
She pulled back slowly, and for a moment he was afraid he'd pushed too hard, pushed her away. She sat before him and slowly began to pull at the last of the buttons on her shirt, exposing herself to him. She knew he'd see the scars, but right now, it wasn't about her. This was about him.
"Elliot…" She dropped her shirt over the edge of the bed and reached behind herself to unhook her bra, "We both made mistakes…we all do things we regret. But you're here now…"
He reached for her once more and she slid up beside him, pressing her lips to his, "I thought if I walked away…I'd save you. I'd protect you from the fall out. But I was wrong. And I can't take it back."
She knew he needed to let this out, but she also needed to show him how much she cared, how much she wanted him despite his faults. Her hand reached out to caress him slowly and he grunted, pushing his hips forward as her hand wrapped tighter around him, "No. You can't…but you can be here with me now. Just like I'm here with you."
His mouth fell open and he reached for her, his hand sliding up her torso, feeling her curves, the scars that littered her body. The scars that told the story of what had happened while he was gone. He'd said he'd never asked about what had happened, but it was time. It was time to know, "Olivia…"
Shaking her head she leaned in and captured his lips, tugging on his bottom lip gently, "Not tonight El. Not tonight…" She soothed the bite with her tongue and pressed her chest against his, her nipples scraping against his, "Tonight we just need to be here…together."
Her touch felt like nothing he'd ever felt before. It was soft and gentle, yet exciting and primal, unleashing something in him that he'd tried to keep bottled up for so long. His left hand slid up her side, cupping her breast in his hand, "I'm afraid…"
"I know." She whispered, still stroking him gently, "I know you are. And it's okay…it's okay to be afraid El. But you have to start asking for help…stop hiding. Especially from me."
Leaning forward she tilted her head back and and he pressed his lips to the hollow of her throat, "I don't want to hide…not anymore."
He sucked hard at her pulse point and she wiggled beside him, desperate for some friction. His hand slid from her chest, his thumb flicking her pebbled nipple before lowering his hand to her waist. Popping the top button open he pressed his palm flat against the feminine curve of her belly and dipped his fingers below the waistband of her panties, "Elliot…"
It came out in the form of a plea, and he couldn't deny her, not anymore. Couldn't deny himself his needs and wants either. His fingers slipped lower, held tight between their bodies and the confines of her clothes. But he found her wet and warm, opening to him in ways she never had before. She rocked her hips gently, letting his fingers run along the length of her, "My God Olivia…"
She whimpered softly and let her fingers move in rhythm with his and it amazed them both how normal this felt, how right. How there was no weirdness after all their years as partners, no hesitation after all their time apart. It was like their bodies melted into one another, and they knew exactly what to do.
Pulling back slightly, she touched his lip with her free hand and whispered, "You are not Frank Donnelly…you're Elliot Stabler. The man I've loved for twenty three years."
He held his breath and whispered, "I don't know why you do…"
Kissing him once more, she rolled him onto his back again. He sighed when her fingers let go of him and she pulled away, but he knew she wasn't walking away. He watched as she climbed off the bed, and slowly pushed down her slacks and panties. She was completely bare now, standing just a foot from him and he was mesmerized, "You're beautiful…you're so fucking beautiful."
He sensed her anxiousness, uncertainty for just a moment. But then that bold, strong, confident woman he'd fallen head over heels for emerged again. Crawling up onto the bed, she reached for him, her hand caressing the side of his face, "I'm here El…I'm right here with you."
I was just coasting till we met
You remind me just how good it can get..
Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you
Tell me you don't
It feels like you do
Opening up can open some wounds
He was so lost in thought, he didn't realize she had straddled his waist at first. It was until she was lowering herself over him that he finally felt at peace. His hand settled on her hips and he held on tight. He watched, mesmerized by her as her head fell back slightly and her lips parted, "Oh…"
His hand slid up her body, holding her breast in the palm of his hand, "You can't be real…"
Tossing her hair over her shoulder, she tilted her head and smiled down at him as she slowly found her stride atop of him, rocking her hips against his cock, "We've always been real El…"
He sighed and let his hand move up higher, cupping the back of her neck and pulling her towards him, "Yes we have."
She knew he was thinking of the letter, of the words his wife had told him to write. The words that had all but shattered her again. But she knew he hadn't meant them. He'd never meant any of it. They didn't need a parallel universe, they just needed to find each other in this one again. And here they were. Maybe no one would ever understand it, maybe they'd cast their opinions and pass judgment. But maybe, just maybe it didn't matter.
Her hands settled on his chest as his fingers dug into the back of her neck, "You are not Frank Donnelly, do you hear me when I say that?"
He grunted and pushed his hips up, crashing into her once more, "But what if I am?"
"You aren't." She whispered, pressing her lips to the side of his face, "You fight for justice…to protect the people you love."
He was breathing harder as they moved together, her body pressing into his in all the right ways, "I wanted to protect you…to save you. I just wanted…needed you to be okay."
She understood what he was saying even though it was coming out in jumbled words. He had walked away because he thought he was protecting her. He thought it was what he had to do. Didn't want to drag her down with him because he thought they were right, thought all of them were right about him and it broke her heart all over again.
"I didn't need you to protect me." She whispered, tugging on his ear, "I just needed you here…"
Pressing his head further into the pillow, he gasped for air, "Olivia…I'm sorry."
"I know." She moved her lips across his cheek to his lips again, "I know El. I know…"
"I'm here now." He whispered, pressing his hand into her lower back, helping guide her, "And I'll never leave again…"
She smiled, and looked down at him, "You're a good man Elliot Stabler…" Her thumb traced the outline of his lips, "My man…"
Tears burned in his eyes again and he felt so fucking thankful for her, for her forgiveness. For her love. "I've always been yours Liv…always."
Her smile grew and she kissed him once more before sitting up, resting her hands on his lower abdomen. She lifted her body, bouncing slightly as she rode him, hearing the sound of their bodies coming together, the sound of his breaths, her moans. He felt the warmth of her skin, of her pussy wrapped around him, pulling him back above the surface. Her love, her understanding and acceptance of who he was, her belief in him drowning out those demons once and for all, or at least for tonight. But as she made love to him he knew that when and if they returned she'd bring him right back here to reality.
It was always her. She was the one that could put him back together. He'd been living a half life while he was in Italy, afraid to give in to his feelings. But here in his bedroom, on his King Size bed, he let go. He stopped fighting it and just let go.
Reaching behind her, she rested her hand on his thigh, her fingers close to the cut on his knee but it didn't hurt in this moment. She rolled her hips faster, confidence and sex appeal radiating off of her and he'd never wanted her more, "That's it El…just let go…"
One hand gripped her hip again, his fingers digging into her ass, she groaned. His secondhand lifted once more, sliding across her chest, rubbing against her nipple. She whimpered softly and her mouth fell open, his thumb grazed along her lower lip, "Olivia…"
Ducking her head slightly, she pulled the pad of his thumb into her mouth, her tongue swirling around it, "I'm right here with you El." She repeated once more.
And suddenly he couldn't take it anymore. Despite the protest in his body, he sat up, pulling her against his chest, wrapping her legs around him, "I don't want to…to be…"
Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she pressed her hand into his head and sighed into his mouth, "I know. I know."
His hands slid up her back, his fingers gripped at her shoulders from thots angle, pulling her harder down against him. "Olivia…"
Her head fell back again and he leaned forward, his tongue licking across her neck before he settled just below her ear, "El…"
Their bodies came together hard and fast yet slow and sensual all at the same time. Like all these years of want, desire, need for one another was erupting between them. She was panting hard and he was practically holding his breath, afraid to leave this moment. But she tilted her head up towards him, "I'm right with you…"
And he knew she meant it, in every sense, "I love you."
Adjusting her angle, his cock slid across her clit and she whimpered softly, "I love you too."
They came together, their bodies shuddering and shaking, sweat and tears joining together. His spent body leaned back slightly and she went with him, rolling to the side but still their connection stayed. Her hand lifted to touch his face and her fingers slid across his cheek, wiping at his tears "You okay?"
Pressing his cheek into her touch he sighed, "I'm starting to be…"
How does it start?
And when does it end?
Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you
Darling, I do
I'm with you
The storm lessened outside as they lay there together. They talked, he expressed his fears and worries angin and again. And over and over she told him how wrong he was. That he wasn't Frank Donnelly, wasn't his Father, wasn't all the things the world had tried to make him out to be. He was a man. A man with faults. A man who had made mistakes but a man who loved fully and tried his best even if he wasn't always right.
He'd fallen asleep again, this time on his stomach. He woke up reaching for her but she wasn't beside him. Fear filled his body but the sheets were still warm. "Liv?"
His voice sounded raw again but it was just from sleep this time. He pushed himself up slightly, this time really feeling the ache in his body, "Shit…"
A moment later he heard the water running in the bathroom, and heard her shuffling towards his room again. The hall light showed her walking towards him, dressed in one of his shirts. She smiled coyly and sat down on the edge of his bed, "How you holding up old man?"
He laughed and lay his head down on the pillow, "Oh I'm hurting…"
She smiled and leaned forward to kiss his temple, "I'm sorry."
Reaching for her, he tangled his fingers with hers, "The fall was worth it because it brought you here to me…"
She laughed and kissed him again, "Hate to break it to you El…but you could have had this without falling."
He laughed and squeezed her hand again, "Yeah but this makes for a better story to tell the grandkids…"
Her eyes went wide, her cheeks flushing, "Grandkids huh?"
Elliot pulled her closer, "That scare you?"
Lying beside him she shrugged, "I…don't know." He just stared at her and she smiled, "Maybe a little? But…at the same time it feels…"
Slowly he shifted closer to her, "Like it was always supposed to end up like this?"
Touching his cheek gently, she whispered, "Yes."
He lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to her palm, "Thank you for coming to my rescue Benson…you always do."
Leaning over him, she kissed the tattoo on his back once more, "You should get a new tattoo…one to cover this." She smiled against his skin, "Maybe you get a portrait of me…since I've always got your back."
He laughed and felt her begin to pull away, "That's an idea."
She smiled and pressed one more kiss there before sitting up, "I'm joking. At least about the tattoo…" With a sigh she sat up, swinging her legs over the bed again, "Not about having your back thing…I always have and I always will." He watched as she reached for her clothes, "But…I do need to go. Lucy wasn't set to stay tonight."
He didn't want to let her go, but he knew her son needed her. She'd been here tonight, put him back together and he knew that no matter what she'd be here with him always. There was no turning back. And so, he decided to push all the boundaries, cross all the lines.
"I could do that…but I already have a tattoo for you." He saw her body freeze and he knew he'd surprised her.
Turning towards him, she frowned, "What?"
Taking a shaky breath, he sat up, ignoring the ache in his body. She stood before him, completely still. He reached out, turning on the light otherwise she wouldn't see it. No one else even knew it was there. Lifting his wrist, he pulled at the watch that he rarely took off, it helped hide the mark, but even without it you wouldn't know it was there unless you knew to look for it.
He reached for her, pulling her close and she didn't protest. Settling between his legs, she let him lift her hand and press her fingers into his wrist illuminated by the bright light. It took her a moment, but when she lifted his hand higher she gasped, and he knew she saw it.
4015
In delicate white ink, mostly invisible to the eye, those four letters were permanently written against his skin. Right at his pulse point, the sign that he was still living. One year after he left, he found himself in a tattoo parlor explaining what he wanted. How it had to be secret, only for him to know about. The man suggested white ink, small, in a place he could often hide.
He'd wanted it over his heart but even with the white ink, his wife would have seen it. But here, on his wrist, she had no real reason to look hard, and he kept his watch over it. But every now and then, he'd taken it off, let his fingers trace the line of each number as he felt the pulse beat in his wrist and he imagined she was beside him, "Elliot…"
"You said you've always been with me…and you're right. You were with me everyday Liv. Every single day." He lifted his eyes to her and saw tears in her eyes, "I needed a piece of you with me. But I knew…I had to hide it. And I'm…" He sighed, "I'm tired of hiding it Liv…I'm so fucking tired of hiding it."
Taking a shaky breath, she lifted his hand and pressed her lips to the white mark on his wrist. No one would know it was there if he didn't tell them or if they didn't know to look for it. But it was there. He'd put it there, he'd made the choice because he missed her, because he loved her.
Because he wanted her there with him.
"You were always with me." He whispered again before pulling her down into his lap, "Always."
Wrapping her arms around his shoulders she sighed, "Elliot, my friend, I'm really proud of you." He held his breath and stared up at her, "And I'm really glad you called…"
Leaning in, he pressed his lips to her cheek, "I needed my best friend…"
There's nothing I won't do to see you shine
I'll swing for the fences
I'll run to the line
And it's high time that you love me
'Cause you do it so well to see you shine
I'll swing for the fences
I'll run to the line
And it's high, high time
Another thirty minutes passed before she reluctantly dragged herself from his bed knowing she needed to get home. But there were promises made by both of them, promises they both knew they'd keep. He limped awkwardly, his legs feeling stiff but he oddly felt more alive then he had in as long as he could remember.
They walked towards the back door, and they were both thinking about that night again and what she'd said in this very spot.
I agree with Bernie, Elliot. I want you to come home.
I intend to.
Before it's too late.
Liv, I'm being careful.
I mean... before Eddie Wagner takes over and Elliot Stabler is nowhere to be found.
Standing before him, she smiled softly and squeezed his hand, "You came home…"
Nodding slowly, he leaned against the gate and whispered, "You were afraid you wouldn't be able to find Elliot Stabler again…" She nodded slowly, "Do you still feel that way?"
Taking a deep breath, she stepped closer, pressed up on her toes and kissed him gently, "No. I see you. I've always seen you Elliot…and you're here. Right here with me."
"Right where I should be." He said with a sigh as he rested his forehead against hers, "Where I always should have been…" She smiled and went to pull away but he pulled her back, "Hey my friend Olivia…" She laughed softly, "Now can I take you and Noah to lunch?" Her smile grew and he shrugged, "Dinner, lunch, brunch, ice cream, a pretzel on the street corner…whatever you want. Whenever you want."
Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "I'd…like that. And so would Noah…"
"So…is that a yes?" He asked, bending his knees slightly, feeling every bit of pain once more but it didn't matter, not in the slightest, "Are you saying yes?"
Leaning forward, she kissed him again, "I'm saying we're free for lunch on Saturday if you are…"
"Saturday is good. Saturday is really good." He said with a happy sigh, "Really, really good."
She laughed nervously and stepped back, "Okay then…"
"I was thinking…" He still held her hand tight and she looked back at him, "Maybe it's time I got my tattoo touched up. Maybe this time with black ink…" She just stared at him, wide eyed, "I don't want to hide anymore Liv…I want to be with you."
Wrapping her arms around his waist, she pressed her lips to his and sighed, "You are. And I'm with you. Just like I always have been El." She kissed him again and stepped back, "But I don't want to hide anymore either…"
"Good." He said with a sigh, "That's good."
"Saturday, lunch." She said pointing at him, "Try not to fall between now and then okay? I don't want to have to wheel you around Grandpa."
"Thanks for having my back Benson…" He whispered softly.
"Always." She said as she took another step back, "We're partners, for better or worse, remember?"
He let go, content in knowing that they were both finally on the same page. As she started to walk away, he felt the demons threatening to pull him down again. But he wrapped his fingers around his wrist and traced the numbers on his wrist. And it was just like she was beside him again. Right where she's always belonged. Not in a parallel universe, but in this one. And for the first time in a long time, he wasn't scared.
Oh darling, I'm with you
Oh darling, I'm with you
There's nothing I won't do
There's nothing I won't do
I'm with you
Darling, I'm with you