JACKSON
"Mr Avery! It's so wonderful to see you again."
I nod politely at Roslyn behind the front desk of The Ritz-Carlton. I've known her since I was a young adult, and she's always treated me well.
"Ros, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Jackson?"
She dismisses my question with a flick of her hand and bends down behind the desk to retrieve a key card, sliding it across the counter as she tells me, "Your girls came in about an hour ago; little one looked like she was about to fall asleep right here on the lobby floor, sweet thing."
I smile under my mask – My girls. April's been sending so many photos over the last three days' adventures since she and Harriet arrived, and now that I'm here I'm just anxious to get to them.
"Gosh, I hope not. I was looking forward to seeing her tonight." I pick up the key card and ask, "Left elevator?"
"Yep. Code's 2186, it'll take you right up. Goodnight, Jackson."
"Thanks. Night, Ros."
I pull off my mask as the elevator doors shut, entering the security code, and waiting for the steel box to glide upwards. A yawn escapes and I stretch my back; I'm so tired. In hindsight I'm glad I let mom talk me into taking the private jet here. I still had to wait at Hanscomb Field while they did my PCR test, but it was a quicker wait than if I had flown commercial like I originally planned. April said she and Harriet had waited two hours in the airport to be cleared, I don't think I would've been that patient. It's almost nine o'clock and I'm fading fast and the thought of seeing April and my Harriet is the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm used to spending time away from my daughter – April and my custody agreement leaves me without her every other week – but it's different knowing that she's in an entirely different city as opposed to a twenty-minute drive from my apartment. I've missed her more than usual.
The elevator dings and I rush into the living room of Penthouse 2A. The floor-to-ceiling windows display a breath-taking view of Boston Harbor, and it fills me with even more satisfaction knowing that, of the many times I'd stayed here with my grandfather when we'd visit, the old man was never able to get one of these suites.
"Hello?" I call out softly in case Harriet's already sleeping "April?"
I hear quick, light footsteps bumping against the cherry hardwood floors and drop my duffle bag, kneel with my arms extended, and brace for the impact of my daughter.
"Daddy!" Harriet races into me and I gladly scoop her up, standing and spinning her in my arms as she laughs wildly. The weight of her against me is calming, I feel more centred than I have in days.
"Hi munchkin," I speak against her bonnet "I missed you, so much."
"Missed you, Daddy." She replies, her little arms gripped tightly around my neck as best as she can.
"Harriet!" April voice booms down the hallway, her flustered face appearing a moment after "I told you not to- oh, hey! I didn't realise you were home."
Home. With Harriet. And April. The word warms my heart.
"Just got in. Guess she heard the elevator and made a break for it." I say and jostle Harriet in my arms. Her face is pressed against my shoulder avoiding her mom's gaze.
"Yeah," April huffs "I was pulling out a pair of pyjamas, and she bolted while my back was turned. You know you're supposed to stay with mommy when the bell rings, H."
Harriet glances back to April and simply says, "Daddy's here."
My smile widens despite the stern expression on April's face "I know I am, but you still have to wait for Mommy next time, okay?" Harriet nods and I kiss her cheek before passing her back to April so they can finish getting ready for bed. "I'm just going to put my stuff away; I'll meet you in a second."
April nods and bounces Harriet on her hip as they walk back down the hallway. As I watch them, all I can think is how right this feels. It's weird, being in the same space with April again. A good weird, but still complicated. Lately my head's been playing a highlight reel every time I see her, compiled of all our best moments together. I know what I want – it's the same thing I've wanted with April since we first got together – but she's only newly single and I don't think dating her first ex-husband is anywhere on her mind right now.
The gravity of our decision is settling in. I haven't let myself believe any of it was real, even when April said yes, I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. She said it herself, we've always had bad timing, so why would it be any different with this? But she's here, and I'm here, and our family is starting over. It's not that I'm doubting the move, our reality is just different to what I thought it would be. But with Mathew out of the picture, Boston holds possibilities I hadn't envisioned in a long time. It was just the three of us here and I'm not sure what it means moving forward. Was I looking for something more than what we have? Was April? That's something we'll have to figure out as we go, I guess.
LINEBREAK
APRIL
I wake on Sunday morning to the sun streaming in through the windows of my bedroom. I open my eyes slowly; the sunlight is blinding but I enjoy the warmth it brings with it. Boston in the Spring is a different cold than in Seattle; I'm used to wet and miserable weather, but the crisp breeze that blows through this city chills my bones. I'm awake before my usual alarms – the clock on my bedside table and/or my daughter wailing from the other room. I stretch my arms above my head and rise out of bed. It's still early, but I want to make sure Harriet and I are ready in time; I found a church twenty minutes' drive from here and I'll take any extra time I can manage to get us both ready, Harriet's not a morning person; she definitely got that from Jackson.
I strip down to my underwear and wrap a towel around my body. Heading out towards the nearest bathroom, I hear voices through the apartment and frown; why is Jackson up so early?
"Morning." Jackson says when I enter the kitchen. Harriet turns on her chair to greet me, "Good morning mama!"
"Morning ladybug." I lean down to kiss the top of her curls, looking to Jackson, "What are you two doing up?"
"It's Church day." Harriet answers for him and takes a sip of her milk.
My eyes stay locked on Jackson, confusion evident on my face "I thought you'd still be asleep."
"Figured you could use some rest." he shrugs, "I heard her moving around so we hung out on the couch for a little bit."
"Oh, okay. Thanks. Um, we're going to head out soon so-"
"No worries, we'll be ready."
I stare at him, surprised by the implication and Harriet looks just as taken aback.
"You come with me and mommy?" she asks.
Jackson's never been interested in going to church. Even when we were married, he would stay home and watch the highlights of whatever game had been on the night before and I would go to mass alone.
"Of course! Anywhere you are, is where I want to be." Jackson reaches across the counter to tickle Harriet, and she giggles loudly, "Go. Take a shower. I've got her."
I get ready in a daze, half-expecting Jackson to change his mind by the time I come out of my room. Instead, I find him and Harriet standing by the door as I walk out. Jackson is in a fitted, black button-up and grey pants and he's changed Harriet into a purple dress with daisies printed over it and white tights underneath. They're matching in their adidas shoes – a gift I got for Harriet on her third birthday to match the ones I gave her Daddy years ago. They've been her favourites ever since.
Jackson's eyes flit up and down my body. I'm wearing a long-sleeve, rib-knitted wrap dress. It highlights the curvier hips I gained during pregnancy and looks flattering against my rounder stomach and breasts, while maintaining a certain amount of modesty.
I feel my cheeks warm under his gaze and I have to look away. Jackson calls the lift and I grab my heels from the shoe rack. The green slingbacks are higher than what I would usually wear for Church, but they match the colour of my dress perfectly.
"I look nice, mommy?" Harriet asks as we step into the elevator.
I pinch her cheek gently "You look beautiful, baby."
She beams at my answer, looking to Jackson, "You look pretty too, Daddy."
"Thanks, baby." Jackson's eyes stay focused on mine while he answers Harriet, "I think mommy looks even prettier than I do, though."
LINEBREAK
I can't stop watching Jackson. His focus is on Harriet, who had been standing with us at first, but since the morning service is organised for kids to be a part of the mass, she's now standing up on the altar with all the other kids as Father Peter begins the liturgy of the Eucharist. And though I'm listening to every word the Priest is saying, my glance keeps trailing to the man standing beside me.
I've not seen him act with such reverence in a situation like this before. I still can't process that he's even here with me. In Church. We'd spoken briefly before, about the new relationship he began navigating between himself and God after my accident; though he would never be the type of person to have such unequivocable, blind faith in a higher power, Jackson had found a harmony between faith and science in a way that made sense to him. And while it was odd to see this new side of a man I know so well; I was happy that he'd found it for himself.
Harriet runs down the aisle to the pew that we're sitting in, heading straight for Jackson. He lifts her into his arms, and she kisses his cheek just above his mask, offering him the sign of peace. Jackson leans in so Harriet can reach me but kisses my cheek first. Even with his mask on, I can see his smirk clearly. I shake my head at him and offer Harriet a sign of peace.
As we walk out of mass Harriet, holding one of each of our hands as we swing her between us, says she's hungry.
Jackson looks down to her "I could go for some waffles, what do you think?"
I stop short, Harriet lurching back as well. Jackson looks nervous. "April…"
"Mommy?"
I open my mouth to respond. I don't know what to say. He thinks he's upset me; I can see it on his face. The memory's taken me by surprise, not in a bad way, but I can't seem to find the words to tell him that.
"Don't want waffles?" Harriet asks.
"Oh, sorry honey." I clear my throat, trying to get a hold of myself, "um, waffles sound good. I was just- just trying to think where we should go." I say and push my feelings back down as best I can.
There's a frown set on Jackson's face - I know he wants to talk about it and I'm sure that if Harriet wasn't standing between us, he would. But he just sighs and says he knows a place that we can walk to, and I follow silently.
South Street Diner is full of customers, and we wait a little while before being taken to a booth inside. Harriet sits beside Jackson across from me, her chin resting on his arm as they look at the menu together. I can feel his eyes on me every few minutes, but I stare straight down at my menu, faking a deep interest in the food options presented to me.
My head won't snap out of the past.
I try not to think too hard about Samuel, to constantly think about who he would be. I carry him in my heart every day and I pray to him every night. But dwelling on what could have been only causes me pain and I don't want the grief I hold over Samuel's death to ever affect the way I raise Harriet – I would never want her to feel like she's living in her brother's shadow. He's been at the forefront of my mind lately, though, since the night Jackson and I first talked about Boston.
"April?"
It's been a long time since we've spoken about him, about the fallout of our marriage after his death. Hearing Jackson say that he understood why I left, that he 'got it' was a weight lifted from my heart; one I hadn't realised I was still carrying.
"Sweets?" Jackson's hand atop mine startles me and he squeezes it tightly in his grip "You alright?"
I shake my head, focusing back on the present.
"Sorry. What were you saying?"
"Harriet said she wants this one." Jackson points on the menu in front of me to the 'breakfast galore' and I immediately shake my head at my daughter.
"That is way too much for you." I tell her.
"I'm very hungry, mommy."
I laugh at her serious cadence. Jackson smiles and drops his arm around Harriet, pulling her into his side.
"How about we share this one? I'm not as hungry as you are."
Harriet nods enthusiastically. I can't recall a time I've ever seen her this happy. It's clear at this moment just how much she's missed Jackson. He's always been the person who makes me feel grounded and despite the confusion of this new situation of ours, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't missed him as well. Sitting here just the three of us is something I had wanted for so long. It's comforting to be in this moment with the two of them – my favourite people.
LINEBREAK
"Okay, there we go." Jackson whispers as he tucks Harriet into bed. He moves back and I kneel on the floor beside her and wait until she's settled.
Harriet yawns and I tickle her arm gently, "You had a big day, huh?"
She nods and asks, "Feel better, mommy?"
"Yeah, I feel much better now." I answer. Harriet's always been so intuitive; I know there's no point in denying my reaction earlier today. I push the smile up on my face hoping it reassures her, "I didn't mean to worry you, sweetie, or make you sad."
"Why you sad?" she mumbles.
I hear Jackson's sharp breath from where he stands in the doorway, but I focus solely on my daughter.
"Sometimes mommy just really misses your brother." I tell her.
"Angel Sam?"
Harriet knows a little bit about Samuel; that he was our first baby and now he's an angel watching over our family. It's not the greatest explanation, definitely not adequate enough to honour all that Samuel meant in his short time with us, but it's what makes sense to her right now.
"Yeah, our angel Samuel." I confirm "And sometimes that makes me a little sad, but that's not a bad thing. It's okay to be sad sometimes, right?"
She nods, seemingly satisfied with my answer and we sit quietly for a moment. Jackson says nothing but I can still feel his presence in the room. Eventually Harriet starts to make the sign of the cross, I follow suit and she begins reciting the prayer I've been teaching her – the same one my mom taught me when I was her age.
"Mathew, Mark, Luke and John." I begin.
"Bless the bed that I lay on." Harriet says softly "Four corners to my bed,"
"Five angels there be spread." I hold up my hand, five fingers outstretched in front of her.
She touches her forehead as she continues, "Two on my head. Two on my feet." I pat her little feet pressed up against the blanket.
"One in my heart, my soul, to keep." we say the last line together and I kiss our joined hands "Goodnight, ladybug."
"Night mommy. And daddy." She says sleepily.
"Sweet dreams, Harriet." Jackson replies.
As we walk out of her room, I hear Harriet's drowsy voice once more, "Night-night, Sam."
…
I lay awake, alone in this massive bed and stare out the window at the fluorescent streetlights mixed with the glow of the moon and stars. My body is exhausted, yet I can't fall asleep. I can't stop thinking about what today meant. If it will happen again. If the idea of Sundays together with Jackson and our child was not as hopeless as I once thought.
Being together felt right. It always felt right. But days like today send me down a rabbit hole, imagining a world where my son was alive; where it would be the four of us eating waffles on a Sunday after Church. A life without all the loss Jackson and I have suffered.
"April?" I turn my head to where Jackson stands in the doorway of my bedroom, "Did I wake you?"
I shake my head and turn over, patting the bed next to me. Jackson hesitates, I can see him weighing the decision in his head, but he walks over and sits carefully on the bed.
He puts his hand over mine, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. For today. I didn't mean to upset you."
My breath rattles in my chest and I squeeze his hand to reassure him "You didn't do anything wrong. Days like today…" I don't know exactly how to articulate it, but I know that Jackson understands. He always does.
That much is confirmed when he suddenly shuffles, lies down atop the blanket, and wraps his arm around me. I move into him, my hand against his chest over his heartbeat while he combs his fingers gently through my hair.
"I miss him too. All the time." he whispers, "But he's always here, in our hearts, in everything we do; you taught me that."
I peer up and smile at him and he grazes his nose against mine. The atmosphere between us changes in an instant, to one I'm all too familiar with when it comes to Jackson. He looks at my lips, then back up to my eyes, and I can feel myself start to give in and let the moment wash over us both.
But Jackson pulls back and takes a deep breath before I can do anything about it, "I should let you get some rest." He starts to remove himself from our embrace. I hold him tighter to me.
"Don't go." I whisper.
I need him here, he knows it and I don't say anything further, tugging the blanket out from under him and haphazardly covering him with it.
Jackson holds me firm in his arms, and I sleep more peacefully than I have for a while. I feel grounded again. After all this time, he still feels like home.
LINEBREAK
JACKSON
"She's killing me, April." I drop face first onto the mattress and she laughs at me.
We've been in Boston for just over a week now – nine days to be exact – and this has become somewhat routine for us. After we put Harriet to bed, April and I sit at the kitchen island, or on the couch, or one of our beds and talk over our day.
"Margaret Renfield. Biggest pain in my ass." I grumble.
"Come on, she can't be that bad." April sets her book down on the bedside table and gives me her full attention "What did she do?"
She sits up against the headboard, with my arms bracing my head on her lap and I spare no detail in telling her about my fellow foundation board member, and definite adversary. I've never felt particularly stupid in a meeting before, but Mrs Renfield made damn sure I couldn't say that after today. She sat and stared me down from across the table as she poked holes in every idea that I pitched for how we could use the Foundation's reach and resources to create real change for communities of colour and marginalised Americans in our healthcare system.
"This plan was the entire reason I came to Boston and this cranky old white lady tore it all to shreds in under ten minutes simply because she didn't like how it affected the bottom line. Without a hint of constructive criticism or helpful ideas to pitch of her own!"
April has a sympathetic look on her face as she tells me, "Nobody said it was going to be easy Jackson. You were bound to meet resistance to change somewhere along the line."
"Yeah, but I didn't think it would be from the people running the Foundation with me. This can't fail before it's even started, April. I am not losing this. How can she not see how important this is? All she cares about is revenue and ensuring we don't 'scare off donors' – it's all bureaucratic bullshit."
"Alright, take a breath, J. In. Out.'' She instructs calmly and begrudgingly, I follow, "Okay, so if she wants you to play by her rules then why don't you? There's got to be a loophole somewhere, we just have to find it."
"We? You're going to help me?" I sit up and move towards her.
April's breath hitches "Of course, Jackson. It's your dream, right?"
We lock eyes and the moment passes over us again. The same moment that's happened so many times before and I've done my best to resist, but now I take her face in my hands and kiss her without thinking. She gasps and melts against me, winding her arms around my neck.
When we pull apart, I smile brightly "Thank you, sweets."
Her smile matches mine. She's always loved it when I call her that.
"Anytime." She gives me a quick peck before continuing, "Now, let's figure this out."
April pulls away and opens the drawer of her bedside table to take out a notepad and pen. I groan again and she laughs, opening to a blank page and writing Jackson's goals on it. She sits up against the headboard and begins asking me question after question about my plans for the Foundation, and the 'rules' that Renfield keeps enforcing. We stay like that for a while until April's voice starts to grow sluggish and I can't stop yawning. She slowly shuffles down in the bed every so often, until we're lying next to each other and eventually fall asleep together.
I wake up somewhere during the night and the first thing I feel is her weight on me. April's arm is thrown over my midsection and her head is slack against my shoulder. Her mouth is hung open and I can hear the gentle snoring that she still insists doesn't come out of her. I contemplate going back to my own room, but I don't have it in me to get up and leave. I'm comfortable here, with her.
I close my eyes and pull April's body closer to mine and the last thought I have before sleep overcomes me again is how we still fit together so perfectly. She's always belonged right here with me.
LINEBREAK
APRIL
Friday rolls back around in the blink of an eye. We've been in Boston for thirteen days and I've officially completed my first week working with the Foundation to expand on helping rural communities, much like I was doing in Seattle. We're slowly coming up with plans to do the same in Boston and then expand to other cities; I have a whole team that the Foundation has set me up with and it's comforting to see how many other people are this passionate about the work we're building on.
I can hear the bass of the speakers thumping through the floorboards as I travel up to the Penthouse. The doors open and I follow the sound into the living room where Jackson and Harriet are dancing, kind of. They're swaying on the spot to the familiar tune of 'All I need is you' playing loudly through the apartment. It's part of the playlist Harriet and I listen to in the car.
"I can search the world, but never find," Jackson sings loud and off-key with Harriet in his arms, "a better love that is between you and I."
Jackson taps Harriet on the nose then points to himself and my heart melts. Harriet is on his hip and Jackson is holding one of her little hands in his as he bounces her on his hip, swaying gently. The song winds down and I clap, alerting them to my presence. Jackson spins around surprised, and Harriet looks giddy as she waves hello.
"Wow, you're listening to mama's jams with mama?" I pout.
Jackson's eyes are lit up as he walks closer to me, "We're celebrating. Stella called to say our offer's been accepted."
I stare back at him in disbelief "Are you serious?"
Jackson nods "We can move in as soon as next week."
"Oh my gosh. Hattie," I look from Jackson to our daughter, "we got a house!"
Harriet giggles excitedly as I hug the two of them tightly. Jackson and I had agreed that it was best to live under one roof. It would make our work schedules that much easier to manage without having to worry about shuffling Harriet back and forth between two houses.
We'd put a deposit down on a four-bed, two-bath house on Marlborough Street just by the water. It was close to the Public Garden and the Boston Public Library, which was probably my favourite thing about the place, other than the size of the kitchen. I could see us building a life there, making the place a home, and the possibilities had me excited for this next step in our new future.
A part of me was excited at the prospect of living with him again, of giving Harriet a different sense of the family life we hadn't been able to provide before. But I was also scared that we might screw things up again. We haven't had the most successful track record being co-parenting roommates, but Jackson was confident in our ability to do it better this time; and he's right. We aren't the same people anymore. We can do this. We will do this.
"Oh, wait!" Harriet says pushing away from us "I got to show you!"
I watch them confused as Jackson sets Harriet down and she runs to her room. He turns to face me, a smirk on his lips and he leans in placing a gentle kiss on my cheek.
"Hi." He smiles.
I grin back and quickly kiss him again, wary of Harriet's return at any moment. It's become a habit lately, the two of us kissing. It's always quick and private but it means everything. Things have definitely been shifting between us and I don't really know what it means yet. We're moving so slowly. It's refreshing and nerve-wracking all at once. We should probably talk about it at some point, but our schedules don't give us much time just the three of us, let alone time for just us to sit down and have a discussion like that.
"Hi." I return.
"She's so excited for tonight." Jackson says looking down the hallway.
Harriet runs back into the room with a tan coloured shopping bag in her hand and I narrow my eyes back at her father. "Burberry, seriously?"
"Hey, you said I could help her pick out a dress." Jackson rebuts.
I roll my eyes in response and turn my attention back to Harriet. Tonight, the Catherine Fox Foundation is holding a gala to generate funds from their donors and celebrate Jackson's new role at the helm. Catherine and Richard are currently on the private jet coming into Boston and the five of us will be going together.
"Look mommy!" she pulls the dress out of the bag, excitedly waving it around in the air, "You like it?"
I gently take it and hold the outfit up against her. It's a white poplin dress with the Burberry print in three bows running down the middle; simple and sweet, Harriet will look adorable wearing it.
"I do." I hand her back the dress and she carefully puts it back into the shopping bag "You picked a beautiful dress, ladybug."
"Good fashion sense; obviously, she got that from me." Jackson teases.
I turn my head and playfully scowl "Oh, you're going to be eating those words come tonight, Avery."
"Only words?" he says lowly "Because I was kind of hungry for-"
The elevator dings before he can finish the thought and Harriet lets out an excited squeal as she rushes to greet her grandparents. Jackson sighs and I pat his cheek affectionately.
"All in good time, baby." I say with a wink and leave him standing in the living room while I go to welcome our guests.
LINEBREAK
JACKSON
The State Room in Longwood venues is filled with people and we've spent the last two hours since our arrival politely meeting every single donor. It's exhausting and thankfully, my mother finally took over so we could have a reprieve after seeing how overwhelmed April and Harriet both were becoming. It was a lot to handle for someone who wasn't well-versed in this world, or in April's case, someone who hasn't had to associate with this part of my world in quite a few years.
Harriet is currently sitting in her lap, but April won't stop fussing around; if she's not fixing Harriet's hair, she's smoothing out her dress or fiddling with her wine glass. Something's bothering her but she won't tell me what. She's been off since we got here.
"Jackson, sweetheart." My mother and Richard approach our table, "Look who's here!"
April stands with me holding Hattie, and I stare wide-eyed at Leroy Thompson. He and I have known each other since high school and even went to college together for a little while until he moved to be closer to his girlfriend at the time.
"Jacks!" Leroy pulls me into a tight hug "Man, it's been a minute."
"I'll say. how you been, Lee?"
He looks behind him, waving over to a woman standing a few feet behind him balancing two kids in her arms.
"Can't complain." Leroy smiles "This is my wife, Camille and our twins, Danny and Melissa. Took over the company from my dad nearly four years ago, and the four of us have been building a nice little life here ever since. And from the looks of things, it seems like you've done the same."
I shake Camille's hand then look at my girls "Yeah, this sleepy little one is Harriet. And her mom, April."
April smiles stiffly and shakes their hands. The four of us sit and chat for a bit, catching up on life and business before their kids start to get restless.
"We should probably get these two to bed," Camille smiles politely.
"Us too." I nod to Harriet still situated in April's lap, quickly starting to fall asleep against her mom.
We say our goodbyes and I promise to have them over for dinner once we settle into the new house and Leroy and Camille exit the ballroom holding one fussy, exhausted child each. I start to gather up our jackets and April's purse while she rocks Harriet in her embrace, so she doesn't wake up. We're almost at the exit by the time my mother catches up to us.
"Oh, no, no, no." Mom cuts us off, standing between us and the door.
"Catherine, we really should get going. She's exhausted." April says softly.
Mom shakes her head and Richard holds out his hands for Harriet, "We'll take her."
"Mom." I start, but she doesn't let me get far.
"Jackson Avery, this party is to celebrate your new position in the Foundation. You cannot leave this early." she scolds, "Give me my child. You and April stay for a little bit longer. Have fun, drink, network. You've been working so hard lately; you both deserve a night to enjoy yourselves."
"Catherine, it's really-" April begins only to be ignored.
Mom steps forward and starts to lift Harriet out of her hold. My little girl stirs and looks around confused for a moment but when she sees her grandmother putting her safely in Richard's arms there's a big smile on her tired face. Sleepovers with grandma are Harriet's favourite, usually because my mother lets her stay up as late as she wants.
"We'll see you in the morning." Richard says and he shares a small, secret smile with my mother that I can't discern.
And before we can even kiss our daughter goodnight, mom pushes Richard towards the exit and leaves April and I standing there equally shocked and confused.
"Did she just call my daughter her child?" April asks.
I pause and think back on the conversation, laughing when I realise, "Yeah, she did."
April shakes her head "That woman…"
"Gotta love her?" I offer.
"I guess so." she says, and I reach over to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
April looks beautiful, as always. Her hair cascades over her shoulders in meticulously set waves. She's wearing a dark green silky-type of dress with a deep V-neck and embroidery. The layered skirting is ruffled and goes from green, to orange and aqua the further down her body the layers go. She's wearing a pair of diamond drop earrings that I gave her for her birthday during our first year of marriage – knowing she's kept them for so long stirs my emotions – and her makeup is natural and light. She's breathtaking. The band is playing Sinatra and she's subtly swaying in time to the music.
"Will you dance with me?" I ask.
"Haven't you spent enough time out there tonight? Think you've swept all the ladies here off their feet already." She teases.
I smile sheepishly. I think I've danced with nearly every housewife here over the course of the night. Every couple we meet, the husbands are all too happy to let their wives drag someone else out on the dance floor if it means they can sit and talk with the other antiquated men in peace.
"All but one." I say and hold my hand out to her.
She sighs, relenting, and takes my hand. My smile grows tenfold, and I lead her out onto the dance floor. We sway slowly to the music, one of my hands intertwined with hers, the other on her hip while April's strokes up and down my bicep. Her eyes won't meet mine and she's working her lip between her teeth so hard I'm surprised she hasn't broken the skin.
I brush my hand against her cheek for a moment, pulling her lip free with my thumb "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah."
"Really? Because you've been acting weird all night."
"It's nothing. It's silly." She says softly.
I sigh, frustration clear in my voice as I tell her, "If it's bothering you then it's not silly to me, April. Come on."
Her hands move out of my hold, and she rests them against my chest. I wrap my arms around her, locking my fingers together at the base of her spine, keeping her close to me.
April fiddles with the buttons of my shirt, still avoiding my eyes as she says, "… You called me her mom."
I frown, not understanding. Her glassy eyes finally meet mine and my heart aches at the tears she's holding in.
"Every time you introduced us you said, 'this is my daughter Harriet, and this is her mom April'. Like ... like that's all I am to you."
"April, of course that's not all you are to me. I just- I didn't know what else to say." It's a poor explanation but a truthful one.
I panicked when I first started to introduce my girls after we arrived at the gala. April and I haven't really defined what we are right now, and I didn't want to push her if she wasn't ready. What else was I supposed to say? 'Hey this is my best friend/ex-wife/baby mama/woman I've always loved but am currently not dating, just kissing a whole hell of a lot'? Our whole situation has me in a tailspin.
"I know. I don't know either." she exhales heavily "We probably should've talked about this earlier, huh?"
"Probably." I laugh.
"God, why are we so bad at this? It shouldn't be this difficult." she groans "We're adults, we should be able to talk this out like two grown people."
"So, let's talk. Talk to me." I hold her tighter to me and April rests her head against my chest as we keep swaying to the music.
"I'm scared we're going to screw things up." She mumbles against my shirt "Our relationship these last few years has worked so well. We've figured out how to move forward, after everything we've been through, we found some sort of equilibrium. And the thought of trying and failing again ... honestly, it has my stomach in knots."
"It's a big decision we're making. If we choose to make it." I agree. April lifts her head to look at me, and I can see how nervous she is, "You are everything to me, April. The thought of losing you again terrifies me. But I don't want to just be a friend, or just Harriet's Dad, when it comes to you. I don't want to watch you live your life with someone else again."
I lift her chin up and kiss her firmly, "I don't want anyone else to get to love you again, but me."
"L-love?" she stutters.
I nod in response. I already knew I had fallen for her again. It didn't take much time or effort to do so, because I've always loved her. I loved her even when I was angry with her, when I felt hurt and abandoned. I still loved her even when I thought she was in love with someone else. I've spent the last three years of my life trying to find someone who could make me feel even a fraction of what I felt with April, but I never did. Every relationship in my life was like a band-aid covering the gaping wound left behind when our marriage ended, and then when I lost her to another. My heart has always been saving itself for her. For this second chance we have now.
"I don't have all the answers, April. But I know that I love you. We're not the same people anymore; we've grown and learned and maybe all that was so we could get to this place. So that we could try to start again." She still doesn't say anything and my heart drops into my stomach at the realisation that, maybe this isn't what she wanted to hear,"But, if you don't want that, then we can-"
"No. I do. I want this." She utters.
Oh, thank god. Relief floods my system and whatever look is on my face must echo that because she looks like she could laugh at how surprised I seem. For a moment, I thought she was about to break my heart again.
April leans up and pecks one cheek, then the other, landing a third kiss on the tip of my nose.
"I don't want to pretend that we don't mean more to each other. I do love you, Jackson. I don't think I've ever known how not to."
She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me impossibly closer and I kiss her with everything I have. Everything else drowns out around us as I hold her. It feels like everything is falling into place, like we've finally ended up where we were always meant to be.
"We should- uh, we should slow down." April says breathlessly.
"Are you sure about that?" I move to kiss her jaw and start down her neck, not caring who might be watching.
April hums low in her throat but pokes her fingers into my sides making me jump back. I pout and she smiles.
"Jackson, we've never done this slowly. There's nothing in our way now, so let's work our way forward together instead of just diving in the deep end again."
I drop my head on her shoulder and relent, breathing out heavily. April's hand tickles the back of my neck, making me twitch. She knows how to get me going. I kiss her again and when she opens her mouth to me, I slip my tongue inside, unhurried as we relish in the feel of one another again. When her hands tightly grip the lapels of my suit jacket I smirk against her lips – I still know how to get her going, too.
"Fine, we can go slow." I whisper in her ear "Besides, you know you have no self-control when it comes to me. I guarantee you'll break within the week."
She rolls her eyes in response, but I can tell just how badly she wants to wipe the smirk off my face, and then some. When it comes to April, I'm already in too deep. But my head and my heart are both sending me the same message – that it's different now.
This time, it truly feels like we found the right timing.