The Princess and the Wizard
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: There are Castles and castles in this, but I own neither. Rating: K Time: 1967 and elsewhen.
Author's note: To get a look at what Castle's unit looks like, go to http colon back slash back slash ctrp dash 3d dash 4thcav dot com backslash troop dot html Click on org chart.
They began running into more trees as they went, and soon they were in a forest on a wide, red dirt road.
"Red dirt. Reminds me of Vietnam." Doc Mellon said.
"Yeah." Replied Kemper. "I never thought I'd miss that place."
Eventually, they came to a large, trimmed tree across the road. By the tree was a huge great ape. But, unlike Earth's great apes, this one had on a breechclout and had a bag over his shoulder.
"Afternoon, folks and welcome to Kong. May I ask the purpose of your visit?" he asked politely.
"I'm Princess Katherine, Heir to His majesty King James XVII, who rules the Valley, from the mountains to the Endless Ocean. With me is the great wizard, Richard Castle and his minions. We come seeking the statue of the Great Sea Demon. We need it to save my mother from the living death."
The ape pulled a notebook and pencil out of his bag.
"Princess and wizard, with minions, come for the statue of the Great Sea God. Check. Okay, you'll need to go see the king. He's right up the road. He'll take things from there."
The guard lifted the huge log from across the road and waved them through.
"Did you see the size of the log he moved? He moved it aside like it was a toothpick." Castle said.
"On the other hand, he was quite friendly." Kate replied.
They went around a gentle curve and found themselves in a small town. The buildings were all made of grey colored stones and were all quite shabby. He noticed holes in almost every roof, buildings with no doors or windows and cracks and holes in every building. One large building was missing its entire roof.
The inhabitants were dressed much the same as the guard they'd passed, wearing only a breechclout, although many had a bag of some sort on a strap over their shoulder. The females were topless. Castle figured that if they ever did wear bras, they'd need about a ZZ cup to contain their hairy breasts.
They came to a large square and the convoy stopped.
"Hello there." Kate said to a passerby. "Can you direct us to the king? We have business with him."
"Here he comes now, he's just leaving the temple."
The king was the largest of the people they'd seen so far. In addition to the breechclout, he wore a heavily embroidered vest.
"Hi, folks." He said, smiling. "Call me King. What can I do for you?"
"You're King Kong?" Castle asked.
He shook his massive head.
"No, I'm the King of Kong. Maybe Kong's King. Why?"
"No real reason."
"Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Princess Katherine, Heir to His Majesty, James XVII, ruler of the Valley from the mountains to the Endless Ocean. This is the famous wizard, Richard Castle, and his minions. We need the statue of the Great Sea Demon. My mother, Queen Johanna, suffers from the living death. We need the statue of the demon to revive her."
"A real live wizard here in Kong?" The king said. "I'd sure love to see some first-class wizardry."
Castle turned around.
"Pappy, can you light up the light?"
Even in daylight a one million candlepower searchlight was impressive. People who tried to look at it, quickly turned away.
"That's impressive." Said the king. "Anything else?"
"Do you drink alcohol?"
"Sure do. We make a great beer here."
"Doc, please give this person some real alcohol."
Doc Mellon came out of the track with a bottle of Dewar's scotch.
"Do you have a cup, Your Majesty?" Doc asked.
The king reached behind him and pulled a cup that must have held a gallon from a bag behind him.
Doc poured the whiskey into the cup until it was full.
"Now notice, Your Majesty, my bottle is still full."
The kind downed the cup in one gulp and then coughed.
"By the gods, but that's good. Can I have another?"
Doc duly poured him another.
"Do you have any other good wizardry?"
Castle looked around.
"I see a white rock about a mile or so away. Is that of any importance to you? Would it bother you if we destroyed it?"
"No, but it'll take you all day to walk there. The woods are full of thorn bushes."
"Pappy, will you do the honors?" Castle asked.
The tank's turret turned and the main gun fired with a roar. When the smoke cleared, the rock was gone.
"Now that's a wizard's trick." Said the king. "However, there's only one way to get the statue of the Great Sea Demon. Let me show you." The king motioned to someone near him. "Shorty, can you come over here so we can show these fine people how to get the statue."
Shorty walked over and hit the king in the stomach. He hit him very hard. The two stood there exchanging body blows until the King hit Shorty in the jaw and he dropped.
"See?" The king said. "That's all you have to do, just knock me over on my back, you win, and off you go with the statue. Easy, right?"
"It'll take me a day or two to get my wizarding in order." Castle said, trying to figure how to get out of this.
"Sorry. Can't do that." Said the king, reaching over and plucking Castle from the top of his command track. "It has to be done today. That's what the Holy Book says."
He tossed Castle over his shoulder and headed for the temple.
"Don't do anything until I get back, Pappy." Castle yelled.
"I like a man with self-confidence." Pappy said to himself." But there are limits."
Once in the temple, the king closed the door and put a trimmed log that was far bigger than the one at the entrance to the town across the door, barring it.
"I got a wizard here who wants our demon statue."
He was talking to an older fellow whose hair was turning white and who wore a colorful hat.
"He looks a mite scrawny for our purposes to me." He said.
"No, he's a powerful wizard, name of…What's your name again?"
"Rick Castle."
"Okay, Rick Castle, this is our High Priest, John. John, this is Rick Castle."
"He still looks scrawny to me." Said the high priest.
"He's a wizard. He'll just use his magic to flip me on my back and away goes the damned statue."
"About my magic…"Castle stopped. "Wait. You want me to beat you?"
"Of course. Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass that statue is? To begin with, we had to move the statues of our gods over there to the side of the temple. Did you really think we'd worship some fish with a glandular problem?
"I suppose not." Castle said, not sure what was going on.
"Secondly, look at our town. We've had to keep that stupid statue for over a hundred generations and what happens when a roof caves in, or a wall falls down? Can we fix it like intelligent people do? No, all the conservative old farts bellow about how the town has to remain unchanged so the worshippers of the damned fish god can recognize the place. If they can't remember where they left their stupid god, to hell with them I say."
The high priest nodded.
"Look at what a mess our temple is. Leaks like a sieve when it rains."
"You think you have leaks?" The king said. "When it rains in the royal bedroom, Sweetie Pie goes and sleeps on the couch and makes me sleep on the floor."
"And we have to go miles through the damned thorn bushes to get to our crops and animals. What we have here in town wouldn't make a decent lunch." The high priest said, sadly.
"So, what kind of wizard tricks are you going to use on me?" The king asked.
"That might be a problem. I'm kind of a specialized wizard. Flipping people on their backs isn't what I do."
"What do you do?" Asked the king.
"Do any of you have head lice?"
"Head lice? What's that?"
"I guess it's something only humans suffer from. It's really bad though. A wizard who can get rid of head lice can write his own ticket."
"Not much use in a fight." The king said, scratching his head.
"Doesn't make any difference." Said John. "All he has to do is some wizard stuff and we all walk out saying he beat you, fair and square."
"Should we start now?" Castle asked.
"Nah." Said the king. "It's lunch time. I'm hungry. What do wizards eat?"
"A lot of stuff. What do you have?"
"I have a couple of sandwiches in the box. Got the box from an itinerant wizard a couple of years back. Keeps food as fresh as you please."
"What kind of sandwiches?" Castle asked.
"Meat and cheese."
"Sounds good."
"Want some beer?" Asked John.
"Won't people wonder if I come out of here with beer on my breath?" Castle asked.
"Here? They'd wonder why you didn't have beer on your breath."
John managed to find a small glass, holding no more than a gallon of beer, and poured for Rick.
"The beer isn't bad." Said the king. "That stuff your minion poured for me was even better."
"Tell you what. I'll leave you a bottle."
"What a guy." The king said.
When lunch was done, they were ready.
"You going to do that head thing?" The king asked.
"May as well."
"Okay. Let's do it."
Castle began to sing.
"You put your right foot in,
"You take your right foot out,
"You put your right foot in,
"And you shake it all about,
"You do the hokey pokey,
"And you turn yourself around,
"That's what it's all about.
"Damn!' Said the king. "I sure felt something on my head."
"Me too." Added John. "I guess if we had any of these head lice, they'd be gone."
Castle wondered if he was actually becoming a wizard in this place or if it was just the power of suggestion.
"John, grab the statue and give it to Rick, okay?"
"Maybe you should roll on the ground a little bit. Make it look like he knocked you on your ass."
"Good idea."
"Here you go, Rick." Kohn said, handing Rick the statue. It was carved out of some kind of a blue stone and was a fish with six stumpy legs and a mouthful of teeth.
"Useless. That's what it is." Said the king. "We don't get the living death, nor do orcs, goblins, elves, dragons or anyone else. Just humans. But, it's yours now,"
The three walked out of the temple and the king announced that Rick, the great wizard had tossed him on his back with his wizardry.
Several old fellows approached the trio,
"I'd sure like to see some of that kind of wizardry." His friends agreed.
"You don't know anything about human wizardry, right?" Rick said. Not waiting for a reply, he went on. "Do you have any idea how much wizardly energy it takes to toss someone like the king onto his back? Well, I do. It'll take me a good week before I'm able to flip a feather. Sorry."
The elders grumped, but that was all.
"You care to stay for dinner?" The king asked.
Rick shook his head.
"I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." Rick said.
"Um, the bottle?" The king said.
"Doc, bring the bottle of Dewars, please."
Doc Mellon hopped down from the track and went to the king.
"One thing, Your Majesty, do you have a jug or something we could borrow. That way we can have a little left for ourselves."
The king sent for a container and someone brought him a nice steel jug, complete with a screw on cap. Mellon filled it up. When he was done, he gave the still full bottle of Scotch to the king.
And with that, they remounted and the convoy left.
TBC