The Princess and the Wizard
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: There are Castles and castles in this, but I own neither. Rating: K Time: 1967 and elsewhen.
Author's note: To get a look at what Castle's unit looks like, go to http colon back slash back slash ctrp dash 3d dash 4thcav dot com backslash troop dot html Click on org chart.
The zombies milled around for another minute or two, but eventually the much depleted zombie horde headed for Castle's troops. They fired into the horde as fast as they could and the zombies were destroyed as fast as they came for the column. Eventually, there were no more zombies.
"Lt." Yelled Doc Mellon, who was on the fifty. "The damned barrel's hot as hell. We'll need to change the barrels on the M 60s and let the M2s cool down a bit."
Castle looked around and saw that the gunners were already working on their weapons.
"Pappy," He said into the mic, "how's your main gun?"
"We're good, sir. The co-ax and the fifty on top are good too. We were so busy with the main gun, we hardly fired them at all."
"Okay, you go after the zombies attacking the Amazons but for God's sakes don't accidentally hit the Amazons. They look like they could fall apart with just the zombies after them."
"No problem, sir. I've done danger close before."
Pappy's tank rolled off and they soon heard the roar of the main gun and the chatter of the machine guns.
It seemed to Castle that it took forever to get his unit ready to fight again, but it was only a few minutes. They took off after Pappy's tank and added their fire to his.
"Cease fire!" Castle yelled. "Cease fire, dammit. We're getting too close to hitting the Amazons."
"That's because most of the zombies are dead." Kate said. "Well, destroyed. They're already dead."
"I don't want to give the Amazons the idea that we just killed the zombies so we could roll in and take this damned sword ourselves."
"Sir, I have an idea." Pappy said over the radio,
"Pappy, we can't use your tank that close to the Amazons. Some would get killed sure as shit."
"Only if I use my guns, sir. My treads will grind them down to nothing. Can I go, sir?"
"Do it."
Pappy buttoned up the tank, closing all the hatches, and steadily clanked towards the zombies, who were all paying attention to the women in front of them. The tank crashed through the horde of zombies, crushing many. Few of the zombies seemed to realize they could get out of the way and didn't try. Even those who weren't crushed were knocked down by the tank and injured. And, as soon as Pappy had gone through the zombies once, he turned around and went through the horde again. After the fifth time he went through them, there were so few left and those injured, that the Amazons advanced and finished off the zombies with their spears and swords.
Pappy stopped in front of the center of the Amazon line. He saw that the closest women there were wearing bright plumes in their helmets, which he figured meant they were officers.
Castle pulled up beside Pappy and his other vehicles pulled up on either side of the two vehicles,
One woman, wearing a ruff of red plumes on her helmet and carrying a bloody sword, stepped forward. She had a half a dozen scars on her arms and legs and walked with a slight limp. When she took off her helmet, they could see here hair was white and cut very short.
"By the Gods! Who are you?"
"I'm Princess Katherine, Heir to His Majesty King James XVII, Ruler of the Valley from the mountains to the Endless Ocean. This is the great wizard, Richard Castle and his band of wizards."
"What are those…things you ride?"
"An M 48 tank, my command track, two ACAVs, armored cavalry assault vehicles, an APC track. We have some others, but they're not with us today." Castle answered, hoping he sounded like he had lots more where these came from.
"You destroyed thousands of the undead, with no losses?"
"I think Doc Mellon burned his hand a little bit on a hot gun barrel, but that's about it." Castle looked around. It seemed to him that there were more dead Amazons around than living ones. "If you need some medical care, Doc Mellon can help. Um, he's just an apprentice, but he can bind up cuts and abrasions and such,"
"You're all men?"
"Well, except for Princess Katherine and Alexis the Red. All men."
"Why are you here?"
"My mother, Queen Johanna, suffers from the living death and we need the Sword of Honor to revive her." Kate said.
"We shall have to ask you three questions, which you must answer correctly, before we can allow you to have the sword."
"Excuse me, but by my count, we've already answered five questions from you, all correctly."
"But those aren't the questions we usually ask."
"I have the Book of Books right here and it says you ask three questions and we answer them. If we're right, we get the sword. It says nothing about you having to ask any specific questions."
A woman stepped forward.
"I'm afraid they have us, Achillas. You asked the questions and they answered."
"This is highly unusual."
The woman laughed.
"This is the most unusual thing that's ever happened in the long history of our race. And if anyone deserves the Sword of Honor, they do."
She took off her helmet and shook out her long, black hair. Her face was quite pale although her arms and legs were tanned. She wore a bronze muscle cuirass which mimicked the human form in metal. If the cuirass didn't lie, she had D cup boobs at least.
"This is Achillas, Queen of the Amazons. I'm Heraclas. Welcome to Amazonia." She then turned and stared at Queen Achillas.
"Welcome to Amazonia." Said the Queen. "We owe you our lives. You shall have the Sword of Honor. And we'd appreciate all the help your wizard can give us."
"Doc, you hear that?"
"Yes sir. Just let me get my shit together."
"He uses shit to heal people?" Queen Achillas said.
"Not at all. It's just an… odd expression."
As it happened, the wounded were only lightly injured. Anyone swarmed under by the zombies were dead. But, Doc worked happily on the injured women.
When he was done, a tall blonde approached him.
"I've never been with a wizard before. Since I am ovulating, how about we go into the Temple of Fertility."
"Sound good. One thing, though, wizards are not into violence when it comes to love making. We believe in being gentle. Both parties."
"That sounds so kinky." The blonde giggled.
Heraclas smiled up at Rick.
"As it happens, I'm fertile now. How about we go…"
"Your different ways." Kate snapped, taking hold of Rick's arm.
Heraclas put her hand to the grip of her sword.
"We senior wizards are one woman wizards. Sorry, but that's the law of wizardry back where I come from. However, the rest of the wizards…" Castle was punched in the leg. He looked down and saw Alexis the Red glaring up at him and holding onto Kemper.
"As I was saying, the rest of the wizards, except Kemper the Messenger, can probably be talked into some love making. But very gentle. That's the wizards' way." Castle grabbed the track's mic. "Did all of you wizards hear that. No rough stuff. None. Zip. Nada. Butkis! Understand?"
He got back a chorus of "Yes, sirs."
The vehicles emptied quickly as the men headed for the Temple of Fertility.
"Fuck." Castle said.
"That's the general idea." Kate smirked.
"No, I mean the four of us are going to have to keep watch in case more zombies show up. Or any of Maniacal Meredith's Merry Men, or whatevers."
"Some wizard you turned out to be." Kate grumped.
Meanwhile, in a lair fit for an evil villainess, Meredith the Mad looked at what was happening in Amazonia through her crystal ball.
"This can't be happening!" She screeched, then turned and kicked her current boytoy in the balls. As it was, although a hunk, his brainpower wasn't much above those of the zombies and it would take several hours before he noticed he was in pain.
"Why is this happening!" She screamed, once again kicking her boytoy where it would eventually hurt. "You're no help at all, Tom!"
In the meantime, several flying monkeys who'd been hanging around, suddenly remembered they had work to do in a part of the lair far, far from Meredith.
Meredith threw herself onto a shocking pink couch with horribly mismatched orange throw pillows. Note that while evil villainesses are usually quite wealthy from their various nefarious schemes, they invariably have a very poor sense of interior décor.
She cursed, curdling the milk from cows for several miles around, then walked across an awful, grubby beige shag carpet and back to her crystal ball. A word to the wise, if you must have flying monkeys in your entourage, be sure they are thoroughly house trained. She changed the channels.
"Well, I may have had to empty all the cemeteries for miles around to get my horde of the undead, but Queen Johanna is still in the living death." She said as she gazed upon Queen Johanna's serene face in the crystal ball.
The next morning the troops came stumbling out of the Temple of Fertility looking hung over and much the worse for wear.
"Are you sure we can't convince you to stay?" Queen Achillas said, smiling at Castle. "I was approached by the man they call Pay Pay. Although I'm past childbearing age, he was…unique. I never knew wizards could be so…Romantic."
Pappy came past Castle looking happy and refreshed. As he passed Queen Achillas, he slapped her ass.
"We need to get going, sir." Pappy said, then turned and gave the queen a kiss.
"Get 'em moving, Sergeant Brown!" Castle yelled.
"You heard the lieutenant, people. Move it. Off your dead asses and onto your dying feet. Move! Move! Move yourselves, because you sure as shit don't want me to move you. I have a size fourteen boot that'll do that little job!"
With Pappy's encouragement the column got under way, leaving behind some very happy Amazons.
They hadn't gone more than five miles when Borden almost drove into the back of the track ahead of him.
"Borden!" Castle screamed. "Watch where you're going."
"Sir," said Doc Mellon, "He fell asleep while driving. I think just about everyone is really tired. They need a rest, sir."
Castle was about to tell Doc to mind his own damned business, but thought better of it.
"All right. We'll stop in that forest ahead and take the day off. Where are we headed, again, Kate?"
"Witch City."
"A city filled with witches?"
"Exactly."
"Of course. Where else would we go?"
They drove into the woods and went into a night defensive position, even though it was daytime.
"Okay, half the people will sleep and half the people will stay awake. We're in the damned trees, so anyone or anything could sneak up on us. Pappy, you're in charge and make damned sure everyone is awake. Kate and I and Kemper and Alexis will be asleep since we were on guard all fucking night."
Rick and Kate rolled into her bearskins on one side of his track and Kemper and Alexis took the other side. They fell asleep almost at once.
Someone, or rather something, did sneak up on them.
Castle woke up feeling something soft and furry snuggled up by his back. It wasn't Kate as she was facing him. He very carefully turned around and found several squirrels sound asleep beside him. He also noticed that they snored, but rather softly. He went back to sleep.
TBC