A/N: None of the characters are mine. Apologies for mistakes.
The Phone Call.
Therese.
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Therese stood in the hallway, the cold seeping into her socks and in her bones. But the coldness has never really left and has always been there since the morning she woke up naked and alone in bed with Abby patiently waiting for her to wake up. Patiently waiting for her to realize that she has been abandoned.
Carol's number was ingrained in her brain and kept repeating like a mantra as tears continuously fall from her eyes these past couple of months. Her eyes had finally dried up though she doubt it will last.
After the fifth time she has been taking the receiver back and forth from it cradles, she finally dialed the number as quickly as she could, as though it would change the outcome if she dialed quicker than the last three times she tried to.
She jumped a little when the first ring sounded in her ear. Then a second and then her skin prickled all over when the line was picked up and she knows. She knew who it was.
"Hello?" she whispered, unsure but at the same time, very certain. "Carol?" there was a very faint gasp, it was very faint if not for the time stopping around her whenever it concerns Carol, she might not have heard it. Her chest ached. Her heart was beating too fast and too hard she feels like it will break out of her ribs at any moment and she would need to catch it and she would have offered it to Carol wrapped in a bright box with a red ribbon. Then the line went dead. As dead as the tone on those heart monitors in the hospital when someone dies. "I miss you" she said to the tone, hoping, although she knows it's impossible for Carol to hear her words. "I miss you." She said again. Then she couldn't bear the sound anymore and placed the receiver back on its cradle.
She felt it, the coming tears. She knows it's coming because she's already memorized the feeling. She had been crying for two months every day. It's exhausting. All this hurting, all this crying and she wanted to stop. She wanted it all to stop. But how can she? She sees Carol when she closed her eyes, sees her when she opens them, every inhale she smells her perfume. The woman has invaded her whole body. She has taken everything in Therese that she was left with nothing at all. Even taking photographs has become painful. Every time she looked through the lens, she sees her on the other side. Carol has destroyed her. Destroyed her whole world. She came in like a whirlwind and left like a whisper of a dream.
She leaned on the wall and hugged herself. Her body won't move. Her knees were frozen stiff and all she could do was to lean on the wall and tighten her hold against herself because if she let lose, she might shatter on the floor in a million pieces like glass.
She jumped and yelped unfreezing when the phone rang beside her. She jerked the receiver from it cradle so quickly she might have scratched it "Carol?" she said gasping.
"A collect call for a Mrs. Osborne?" An operator said in a bored tone. A wave of disappointment washed over her and she nearly let lose the stream of tears. She placed the receiver on top of the phone box and knocked vigorously on Mrs. Osborne's door, When it opened she mumbled "Telephone" then hurried up to her apartment and as soon as the door closed, her tears fell in a rush. She covered her mouth with both hands as her knees gave in and she slumped on the floor, her body wracked with sobs she was suppressing. She fell to the floor, her whole body heavy like ice. She imagined her blood had frozen and her bones had turned to ice because it was so cold, the coldest summer she has ever experienced. Then she heard that same single tone on the phone line and she felt like it was her lifeline flatlining yet again.
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Carol.
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She was staring at the phone. Willing it to ring and at the same time, wishing it would stay silent. She lit a cigarette but it seems they are rolling the blasted things too short because she felt like she gave about three puffs and she's already at the end of the filter.
Then it rang. One ring. She jerked upward and sat up her body aching all over. Second ring. It's her. She knows its her. Before it rang a third, she picked up the receiver. A five seconds silence and she knew and she felt hot tears burning in her eyes. She pictured her in her pajamas and thin robe, standing in the hallway with her thin socks, cold seeping in her body. Her slim fragile body. She pictured Therese so close to the receiver, her lips touching it.
"Hello?" her heart leapt and she gasp but place a hand over her mouth and had thought succeeding in stifling the sound. "Carol?" She felt warm sensations envelope her body slowly. Time stood still. For five seconds, time stood still. Then like a spool unraveling slowly, it sped up, as though time was making up for stopping.
She held the receiver wishing to touch the person on the other side. She wanted to hear her voice again, she wanted to hear Therese say her name again. She closed her eyes wishing that she can touch her again, her face, her lips.
Then, like it always does, the balance beam falls, she needs to make a choice. Oh, how she wanted to forget all about the consequences, but she can't because she can't forget about Rindy. She can't, her whole mind and body is rocking ever so softly to make her speak, to make her talk.
She reached out to the plunger of the telephone, hovered a finger over it, she wished for one more word, she wished that Therese will speak again. She wishes Therese will say she still love her, that she misses her. But she knows if she heard those words, her resolve would crumble. The need to see and talk to Therese would be so overwhelming she would not be able to cope and she would lose her mind. But then if that happens right now, she would lose Rindy and she would let Harge win.
She pressed the plunger of the telephone, and she felt as if she's just gripped her own heart and crushing it so very slowly. She slumped on the bed and she sobbed. She covered her eyes with one hand and cried, as she had been doing since that day she rode the taxi to the airport on her way back to New York. Crying, barely breathing. She remembered every detail, of that awful day, she wanted to go back and undo everything. But she could not, she cannot.
She remembered redoing her letter to Therese because it kept getting wet from her tears. Abby had even suggested writing it for her instead. She remembered that day as though it was yesterday.
Therese was fast asleep in her arms, their naked bodies pressed together and she had wished and wished for time to just stop in that moment. She wished that time will stop and they can stay in that bed forever, pressed to each other. She inhaled the smell of her hair, her skin. She kissed her on the lips memorizing it, embedding it to memory. Then a tear fell hitting Therese's cheek and she mumbled. Carol held her breath lest she woke her up but she just snuggled deeper and Carol, for all the strength she was mustering to get up and let go, held tighter as well.
There was a soft knock on the door and she knew Abby was there. She was happy and resentful at the same time because Abby being here means her time is up. Time did not stop as she had fervently wished for, and it was very cruel.
She extricated herself from the sleeping girl's arms as gently as she could. As she stood, she glanced back and tucked her in to ensure she will not get cold. She grabbed her robe and went to open the door. She knows Therese will not wake, she had been crying all night and she's exhausted, but Carol still moved slowly and as quietly as possible.
As soon as she saw Abby, her eyes just started tearing up but she barely noticed them. She was doing her best to keep herself intact and to not fall apart, even if it's just Abby. This has already been decided and no good for anyone if she turn back and undo all of it.
She proceeded in the small writing table and started to compose a letter. On the third time, she cursed as she crumpled the paper. Abby had asked if she wanted for her to do it instead. She shook her head, took a deep breath, wiped her tears and then focused. "I'll pack your bags?" Abby asked.
"Hm. Just my things in the bathroom, I barely unpacked yesterday." Carol whispered and began her letter again. She had wanted to ask Therese to wait for her, to wait as she sort through things, but she doesn't even know what to sort out or if it will even be sorted out at all. She wanted to ask for her to wait, even if it takes forever. She wanted to ask for Therese to stop and just wait for her. But of course, she will not ask her of this. She will not ask because Therese would do it, she would wait for her even if it takes Carol forever to get back to her and she can't do that to Therese. She will not. She's already decided talking to Abby last night while Therese was out of earshot, she will destroy both their hearts. Only she can do it because Therese can never do it. She had to cut connections. That was Harge's deal, if she wanted to have any kind of relationship with her daughter. She felt tears in her eyes again but she forced it down. She wanted to turn and look at Therese sound asleep on the bed, not knowing her heart will be shattered when she wakes. She could not, she must not. She finished her letter, gave it to Abby, then crossed the room to the bathroom to change, avoiding the magnetic pull on her body and eyes on the bed she passed.
Once dressed, she stood in front of the bathroom door she has emerged from, and was rooted to the spot. She looked head on at Abby sitting on the chair, avoiding and ignoring the love of her life on her peripheral vision. Proud of herself for not letting the tears fall. As always, her friend understood, she understood everything, perhaps even more than Carol does. "I'll take care of her." Abby said in a low voice. Carol could not speak, because if she opens her mouth, her tears would fall. She just nodded, turned, then left without glancing back, without a kiss goodbye, she can't stay in the room any longer. A second more and she would not have left at all.
She was in a daze, as though her mind, heart and soul was left in the room with Therese. She kept her mind blank, forcing it to be that way because if she gave one thought to the girl she left asleep, the girl she made love to last night, she would fall apart. Her knees and body will give up and she will crumple into dust if she did not. She walked down to ride the cab, and flew to New York on autopilot. She felt so empty, she imagined a gust of wind will simply blow her away because she felt like a husk, an empty being. Her life, her being was left on the bed, sleeping, and in good hands with the only person she trusts in this world.
A/N: Thank you for reading.
