Chapter 30: without

With the Death God's heart cradled against her chest, Senna stroked its surface, finding comfort in its steady pulse, taking in just what it was she and Grimmjow had managed to accomplish.

Yet, even so, she wasn't feeling an ounce of relief.

Close by on the ground were the remnants of the struggle between the God of Destruction and the God of Despair and Visions. Splattered blood, chunks of black fur, tattered white fabric, and large claw marks on rocks were strewn about the vicinity. Of the two gods, there was not a trace, not even their spiritual pressure. But for all that, the death of a deity that all gods could sense was not present, so wherever the two were now, they were alive.

A week ago she spied on her mirror the conversation between the Death God and Ulquiorra about what the latter wanted as payment from Ichigo. Ulquiorra's involvement in the situation was a perfect incentive for Grimmjow's participation in the plan that had begun to formulate in her mind. Everyone knew that the God of Destruction had been wanting to pay Ulquiorra back for what he had taken from him, and if nothing else, Senna had thought that the most fortuitously perfect opportunity had just presented itself and they could do nothing but take it.

If she couldn't exact her revenge directly on that insipid human he'd taken as a bride, then possessing the Death God's heart was a prize that would more than satisfy her.

But it seemed all her planning fell into place accordingly: she was able to give her apple of revenge to Orihime, even got to watch as the latter gobbled up most of her gift. The only thing she hadn't been able to witness in person was her wish coming true with the acceleration of Orihime's pregnancy. If only she had eaten the whole apple, the whole ordeal of the babe springing out of her womb would have been enough to kill her.

But she saw through her mirror that Orihime had been induced into a long sleep. And Senna could only be grateful for the fact that it effectively got her out of the way, even if temporarily.

And as for Grimmjow...she couldn't have asked for a better partner. For all his viciousness, for all the emotional and physical upheaval he had caused her, in spite of all of that, he had proven himself true to her and their plan, and she could only acknowledge his drive and resilience in getting them here, even at the cost of himself.

For your vengeance, you sacrificed everything, she thought, stroking the marks his claws left on a rock. Thank you, Grimmjow.

Nuzzling the moon, she walked toward where she could sense the Death God's spiritual pressure, climbing carefully down the jagged sandy rocks of the oasis, steps halting as she spied his prone form lying on the sand. She swallowed, and she would have feared for the worst were it not for the beats of his heart telling her he was still alive, before continuing her descent. Reaching him, she crouched at his side, and she couldn't help the sinking feeling in her chest at the sight of him, and wept as she saw his brown eyes staring unseeing at the sky. Tears falling on his unresponsive face, Senna reached over and pulled his lids closed.

Lowering herself, she laid her head on his chest, over the gaping hole where his heart should be, and felt its faint beats correspond with the ones produced by the moon in her hand.

"Ichigo," she whispered, curling her body around his heart. "Oh Ichigo." An embittered chuckle escaped her. "Is this really where my pride, the pride of gods, have brought us? Grimmjow and Ulquiorra: gone to who knows where. You: in this state...Your bride: the cause of all this, lost in sleep. And me...the last one standing. I won. I won in this game of ours, the game of gods. I hold the prize in my hands. I won. But I don't feel it."

To have reached the pinnacle of success...to get to where they now found themselves...all that had transpired—all of that had been for what? All that seemed to encompass her right now was a sense of hollowness and desolation.

"How can a thing such as this," she asked his unconscious form as she rolled his heart between her hands, "cause so much pain and misery? Even as I hold your heart, I can feel that it doesn't belong to me, that it doesn't beat and keep you alive for me." A small laugh laced with sorrow issued out of her. "Even my heart has betrayed me... Since when have you and I ever been slaves to our hearts?"

Senna raised herself on her elbows and placed a kiss on Ichigo's lips, a slow feel of a taste that had been denied her. Tenderly, she cupped his cheek, then ran her hand through his hair.

"This isn't where I wanted to be; not where I would have liked for us to end up in."

Sitting back, she wiped her tear-stained cheeks and looked up at the sky, noticing that the westernmost was beginning to grey with the clouds that the Goddess of Time was herding. It would be a while yet before Neliel would reach the House of the God of Life, where Orihime was currently reposing in.

Looking back down, she addressed her unconscious companion, "I tried to see you in my mirror...but I couldn't. Not beyond today. What Ulquiorra called the deathless day."

And all Senna could do was wait. Wait to give her final gift to the God of Death and the Moon.

He dreamt.

The world was sideways. He was lying on the wall of a tall building that seemed to endlessly stretch on either side of him. Glass windows lined the wall, and he was on the surface of one, the coldness permeating through his back. Above, all he could see was the night sky, limned with two moons.

One was full, but fractured.

The other moon looked like silver threads shaped like a globe woven on a black fabric, draped like a cloth on a figure whose face he couldn't see. But when he peered closely, the silver threads took on a more distinct pattern, the globe taking on the shape of a person that was curled in a foetal position.

Drawing his gaze back on the first moon, he was sad to discover that the fracture had grown. Hairline cracks were spreading through its surface until pieces began to chip away and fall.

In the hollowness inside him, he felt a pang. It resonated within him and he felt spurred into action to save that moon.

It was important.

Because it was his—

Ichigo woke up with a start.

Above, there was the open sky with a setting sun that was giving way to the growing grey of impending rain. He blinked brown groggy eyes at his surroundings, gradually remembering how he came to be at the situation that he presently found himself in, a hand reaching up to touch the gaping hole in his chest, feeling the ghost of his heart hammering within.

Feeling uncustomarily weak, he sat up, only then noticing he wasn't alone when a he spied a figure in his periphery. Turning to the movement, he saw the Goddess of Autumn sitting on a rock close by, and Ichigo's eyes widened as he saw what she held in her hands.

"Well met, my former beloved," greeted Senna in a solemn, husky voice.

Limbs shaking from the effort of moving them, he began to crawl his way to her, snarling, "You—! Give me that!"

The moon was lightly bounced back and forth between her hands, and he couldn't help the alarm and fear that was brewing within him the more she played with his heart.

"I had seen this in my mirror," she spoke softly, ignoring his plea, her tangerine-coloured eyes looking defeated, watching his strenuous movements as he made his way to where she sat. "You, handing your heart to the God of Despair as payment for what he did for you, for that village that scorned me, where your bride came from." With one last bounce, she caught the moon, turning it over in her hands. "This heart of yours is treacherous. Inconstant. One night it is full. Another night it is a crescent. So easily swayed and so easily changed."

He reached her finally, grabbing her ankle and trying to pull himself up enough to make a grab for his heart.

"Do you know what else my mirror showed me?" asked Senna as she held the moon from his desperately grasping hands, voice still in that same subdued singsong. "What Ulquiorra said to you when he told you what he wanted in return for his service. Do you remember what he said? About today?"

Teeth gritted, Ichigo's face was flushed and sweat-stained, straining his waning energy to retrieve what rightly belonged to him. He was now almost on top of her, and she didn't stop him, instead welcoming the closeness. One of her hands tenderly ran along his cheek as her other hand kept the moon out of his reach. All he was focused on was his heart, disregarding her other movements until he felt her breath against his ear as she whispered, "He told you this will be a deathless day."

He froze, eyes widening as what she said registered in his mind, and she leaned away from him, easily pulling herself from the circle of his limbs that had grown slack at her words, and rose from her perch.

Ichigo could only sit back on his haunches, could only show the desperate plea that was silently wracking his whole self as he looked up at her. "Senna."

There was resignation in the set of her shoulders, silent tears trailing down her cheeks as she gazed down at him. "You realize now, don't you? What the God of Despair truly meant when he said that to you? About there being no casualties for humans and gods alike... None—save for Death himself. The Death-less day."

He eyed the moon in her hands, feeling the hot flush that had pervaded his being dissipating, leaving him cold and numb. Despite the fact that his instinct as the God of Death didn't give him the sense that today was his day to die, he couldn't deny that he knew with certainty he would no longer be performing his duties as that god in the near future. The power that he was born with…what had defined his very existence...such a loss that he couldn't even begin to comprehend.

And yet still, all he could think of then was:

Orihime…

Our child…

I'm sorry.

Still on his knees, he felt the breeze brush through his hair as Senna's autumn leaves began to swirl at her feet, weaving up her legs, enveloping the both of them.

The unease that he had been feeling all along…he finally recognized it for what it was, and he embraced it with all of himself as the leaves with their suddenly sharpened edges began to raze his heart. Pieces were sliced off: some as minuscule as the sand beneath them, some like shards of stone.

"Orihime," he managed to voice, further words croaked and engulfed in a scream of anguish, of agony, as he felt his body pop and deform, his bones disintegrate and liquefy, melding with his power to spew out of his mouth and out of the hole on his chest. Liquid ivory poured out of him, collecting the crumbled pieces of his heart like a magnet, encasing him in an armour-like tomb. He felt a tail growing from behind him, his hair lengthening, and spikes forming along his shoulders. A mask enveloped his face, stripes running down one side of it. A long keening growl grumbled from deep within him, a blast of spiritual energy around him emanating, enveloping them in bright light.

And Ichigo couldn't help it anymore, couldn't hold on to the things that made him who he was, what he was. Without his heart, without that anchor, he was nothing. He no longer was.

And he lost himself.

Orihime woke up with a start, eyes blinking in surprise.

Something strange had pulled her from slumber, an unrest disturbing her middle, as though her stomach was going all topsy-turvy inside her.

A strange weight was on her, and she looked down, expressing her shock with a cry.

Movement from the corner of her eye fell into her field of vision, and Renji was beside her, taking hold of her shoulders as he helped her sit up.

"Hey, hey, calm down, Orihime."

"Eh – this – what – what – what – why –" she pushed down the blanket and pulled the hem of her dress up, uncovering her very pregnant belly. "Oh my…what."

Reddened face averted, Renji reached for the jug of water at her bedside table and poured some of it into a cup, holding it out to her. "Here, drink this."

She looked at the glass of water suspiciously.

Feeling harassed, and still staring at anywhere but Orihime, Renji claimed, "It's safe. I didn't put anything in it. It's just water."

"So y-you say," she croaked out in a voice dry and rough from disuse. She swallowed, attempting to moisten her mouth enough to continue, "H-how can I t-trust you when you c-can't even look at m-me?"

If it was possible, the red on his face deepened, almost a perfect blend with his hair. "C-cover yourself first."

With a gasp, it was her turn to feel mortified, hurriedly pulling down her dress and engulfing herself in her discarded blanket, grabbing the glass from him and pulling it inside the confines of her makeshift cocoon. She found that her movement was greatly limited due to the heaviness of her stomach, not to mention her insides feeling as though it had been rearranged to accommodate this new addition.

"I'm pregnant," she muttered from under the blanket after taking several gulps of water.

"…Y-yes, you are."

"How?"

"Um…"

"I-I mean, did a hundred years already pass by while I was sleeping? The last thing I remember was…" she trailed off, then, "Pain. I…it was just…it hurt so much. My s-stomach, I mean. One minute I was happy. And then…"

Renji waited a few more seconds for her to continue, but only her silence came after. And he began, "You've only been asleep for five days. Unohana, the Goddess of Healing, induced you with something to stop the pain, but it kept you asleep for a long time. From what I was told, your stomach suddenly growing was because of a spell from the Goddess of Autumn. Something about the apple she gave you."

From beneath the blanket, Orihime simply listened, mind a-whirl. "Oh."

"Um…yeah…"

She had placed her trust in gods, and this was what came of it. Her life thrown askew once again. She did remember the God of Knowledge saying something about Senna's wishes contained in the seeds of the red apples she had given as wedding gifts. That for Ichigo's, it was his fear she wanted. And for Orihime's, to wish for the child in her belly to be born. At first glance, it didn't seem as though Orihime's gift was horrible. It seemed well-meaning, in fact. But if this was the result of it… Tentatively, she reached out a hand to stroke against the protrusion in her middle, feeling beneath her touch the evidence of the life that was growing inside her.

So then, if she had eaten the entire apple…

"Orihime?" Renji peered from beneath the hood of her blanket, eyeing her worriedly. "Are you alright?"

The auburn-haired young woman pushed the covering from herself, nodding and giving him a small upturn of her lips, an equation of the only smile she was capable of at the moment as she handed back the half-empty glass of water. "I think." Then started, back arching in surprise, making Renji jump. She looked down at her stomach with a pout. "You kicked me."

A nervous laugh bubbled out of Rukia's husband as he placed the glass back on the table, then turned with a hesitant hand raised over her stomach. "Is it alright to…?"

With a smile that had grown more genuine and full of wonder than before, she took his hand and placed it on the bump, both becoming startled at the strength of the kick from within that followed.

"That's a strong brat you have…sorry, I mean, baby, not brat."

The shared awkward exchange of laughter was broken again with another strong kick.

"Ow!"

"H-hey, don't do that to your mother!" admonished Renji.

"Ow!"

"Hey now!"

"Ow!"

Renji retracted his hand, figuring that that was the cause for the sudden constant show of…violence, for lack of a better term. But it didn't stop there.

"Stop it, baby," Orihime implored as she was given yet another kick. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Can it really do that?" asked Renji wonderingly.

"I don't know." She tried to soothe the erratic-growing movements inside her stomach by stroking her hands over it. "I think…this is what woke me up. I think it's been kicking me for a while, and I don't know why. Maybe it is trying to tell me something." She leaned forward – or as much as she was able to – to better address her belly. "What is it?"

And then, she felt a sudden pull on her heart, and she bent over, gasping.

Ichigo.

When the name sprang into her mind, the kicking ceased, and she was alarmed by the suddenness of it, of what it seemed to imply.

"This is about Ichigo?" she asked her stomach. Coldness filled her, feeling the spiritual pressure bundled in the tiny life in her belly. "Something's wrong," she whispered.

"What is?" questioned Renji, suddenly overcome with a feeling of disquiet the more the subject of Ichigo was broached.

"I…I need to see him. Be with him. I need…" she trailed off, expanding her newfound sense of power to feel out the Death God's spiritual pressure. But he was not inside his father's house. Orihime turned to the man sitting beside her. "Renji, please, will you help me look for Ichigo?"

At the plea in her voice, he nodded, rising from the bed first and then assisting her, but both of them found her legs weak from lack of use. He carefully scooped her up in his arms, then headed out the balcony and into the garden. Between the two of them, he had more experience and control over his power, and he felt a curious tingle coming from the other side of the labyrinth garden. With a flash of a step, they reached the other side of the maze, facing the door that led into the desert wasteland that bordered the houses of the gods.

"I think he's out there," said Renji, walking towards the gate.

"Yes." With a touch of her hand, it opened, and they were greeted by the dry arid air, emptiness and sand, and a darkening grey sunset sky.

Crossing the threshold with her still in his arms, he scanned the area, feeling around for the familiar spiritual signature of the God of Death. Over the horizon of a dune, they saw a curious flash of bright light and felt a burst of strong spiritual pressure, strange and yet familiar, and as of one mind they both determined that that was the direction they should head in.

The foreboding feeling grew with each flash-step he took, turning into dread the nearer they came to the place that was drawing them ever forward, pulling them along as though magnetized by what they felt was coming from there.

As Renji reached the crest of rocks that hid that stretch of sand from sight, a resounding snarl echoed throughout. Wincing from the vibration it caused in the area, he fell to his knees, arms slackening as he gaped at the scene before them.

In front of them was…Ichigo. And yet not. A form they had never seen before: immense in size, pale, looming monstrously over a figure that was struggling like an insect in its grasp. Its spiritual pressure was so intense and overpowering that it was drowning out the pressure coming from its victim, rendering them unable to sense who it was. The only thing they found familiar about the assailant was the mane of orange hair that flowed down its back. The most curious thing about it that Renji noticed was that it had the features that usually became of gods that died: the whiteness that entombed their form as statues. A huge tail was swiping at the sand behind it, and amidst its growls, they heard cries of pain, seeing the flailing limbs of whatever it was holding.

Orihime managed to pull herself together, standing on legs shaking with the unaccustomed weight of her stomach, and began to slowly make her way toward the creature.

"Ichigo…?" she called out softly, gasping as she finally saw what it held, and quickened her gait as much as she could on trembling and imbalanced limbs. "Please, Ichigo?" Despite the fear that shook her, she reached out, hesitant hands lightly touching the bone-white skin. It let out a loud roar at her disruption of its activity, turning to face her instead. Upon seeing her, it stopped, hands releasing the figure that turned out to be the mangled form of the Goddess of Autumn.

"Senna?" Orihime breathed out, a hand covering her mouth, and unconsciously she summoned the golden dome that she recalled was responsible for restoring the tombstones broken by Shishigawara at the Karakura cemetery. She could only hope it would also help the goddess...heal her somehow. She couldn't even begin to form guesses as to what had transpired here, or why suddenly Ichigo was not…himself.

All the while, it simply stared at her as she brought her gaze back to face it. Her eyes roamed over it, hoping to find some semblance of familiarity. There was the orange hair, and the eyes beneath the mask were gold upon black sclera. But that was it. Everything else was…

"Orihime, be careful," came Renji's warning behind her.

The figure raised a hand, the sharp claws belying their former ferocity as they gently traced the outline of her hair, poking at the blue hibiscus resting against her ear, finding something recognizable in her. It growled out a sound that might have been her name before it collapsed at her feet.

Gently lowering herself to her knees, mindful of the precarious imbalance caused by her stomach, she scooted over until she could cradle its head on her knees on whatever space wasn't taken by her protruding belly, and ran her hands through its hair and its mask. "Ichigo...it's really you, isn't it?"

It could only answer her in a mournful growl that petered out in a sigh, gold-on-black eyes narrowing to half-mast, lulled by her touch.

The tears that she wasn't aware that had pooled in her eyes fell unbidden. She shifted, back aching from the unaccustomed new weight of her body, but she couldn't bring herself to make herself comfortable lest she disturb the figure on her knee. Her mind was lost in a maelstrom of suppositions, easily forming and discarding theories of what could have occurred here that caused Ichigo to change into the form he now was in and of what the Goddess of Autumn had to do with it.

She heard movement beside her, seeing Renji out of the corner of her eye, knelt down and with a hand reached out, voicing the question that dwelt foremost upon their minds. "Wha—what's going on?"

Orihime could only shake her head in answer, sniffing as she wiped the errant tears from her eyes.

Looking at her, he put a hesitant, consoling hand on her shoulder. "H-he'll be fine," he uttered, more to convince himself. "He has to. He's the Death God. His heart's the moon—" He faltered, shivering as a sudden gust of wind heralded the rain about to let fall, looking up at the grey sky and trying to see, beyond the clouds, the moon that made up Ichigo's heart.

What is this sense of loss I'm feeling? As though the world has become incomplete? He shook his head in an effort to perish the insistent nagging at the back of his mind. Death and the moon had been part of the world since time began. Without him... he trailed off, couldn't finish the thought, unable to comprehend a world without the things Ichigo presided over.

With a patter, drops of rain began to fall, increasing steadily, covering them in dew. The sky opened, the rain beating down in a curious pattern, taking the form of stairs that led to the Sun God's domain.

With a sinking feeling growing in Renji's stomach, he recalled just what this signified, having witnessed this happen in front of him not too long ago.

And all they could do was watch as Neliel, the Messenger of the Spirit King, descended the watery steps that formed the bridge between the worlds, here to claim her charge.

The time had come.

Gradually, he became aware of the sound of the dying rain, and little by little felt the cold pitter-patter of its ebbing drops upon his numbed skin. He blinked against the onslaught on his eyes but he had to see what the sudden ineffable knowledge in his mind and the uncompromising, sinking feeling in his chest told him to be true: that the gaping space in the sky had now been filled with a new bright star that seemed to shine sadly through the rain.

His eyes stung, and he let its salt mingle with the torrent, hopeless with the deep-seated, desperate knowledge of everything that he had lost.

Something covered his face. A mask, hard and white as bone, filtered the surrounding world from him. As though he was behind a closed door. As though there was a curtain that separated the world from himself. From the corner of his eyes, he saw movement. A man knelt beside him, red hair falling past his shoulders, tattoos rising from his brows to his hairline. He knew this man. Once, when he could name himself, when he knew what he was, he also knew the names of those who were familiar to him.

He could only watch this man, saw the trembling of his limbs as he struggled with himself, saw the tears that pooled in his eyes that he dared not let fall.

Beyond the man, he sensed more movement. People were arriving, the questions that rose from their voices a cacophonic susurrus that filled the once-pervading silence. Their arrival heralded the end of the rain; the clouds were parting, dissipating, bringing the stars to light.

"Renji—"

"—The moon is gone—"

"—What happened—?"

"—Where's Orihime—?"

"—I-is that Ichigo—?"

Ichigo. He knew that name. That word was the most familiar to him. And in the gaping emptiness in his chest, the other name, Orihime, resounded. If he could only feel, if he could only recognize, then…

"She's gone beyond," came the faint reply from the red-haired man, the hands over his knees curling into tight fists.

From the crowd, a familiar figure stepped forward. Grey eyes were calculating, examining their surroundings and coming to the only conclusion there was. Solemnly, he removed his striped green-and-white hat from his head and brought it to his chest, and asked, "Renji, who is the God of Death?"

The red-haired man bowed his head, and the tears he'd been struggling to keep to himself blazed a torrential trail down his cheeks, some landing upon the mask that covered his face.

When the red-haired man finally spoke, it was with a voice that was guttural and weak. A snarl and a cry fused into one as the two words were grounded out:

"I am."

.

.

.

.

.

APPENDIX:

Senna - Goddess of Autumn (filler character from Bleach: Memories of Nobody movie)
Grimmjow - God of Destruction (transforms into a panther)
Ulquiorra - God of Despair and Visions (transforms into a half-human, half-bat)
Unohana - Goddess of Healing
Neliel - Goddess of Time, Messenger of the Sun God (transforms into a half-human, half-goat/ibex)
Spirit King - God of the Sun, Ruler of All Gods and the Natural Order of the World
Kisuke - God of Knowledge and Invention
Renji - formerly a Scribe but was made into a god following his marriage to the Goddess of Snow and the Arts; newly appointed as the God of Death

A/N:
1) I would like to once again express my gratitude to my lovely readers who've been wonderful in letting me know what you've thought of, and felt about, this story. It is always a pleasure to read about your reactions, and made me feel that I was definitely not alone on this journey. Getting to where we are now is really all thanks to the support and encouragement you've sent, and I'll forever be grateful. I've learned a lot along the way, especially in regards to writing (I managed to accomplish some stuff from my List of Things to Try Out because of this fic, among them: red herring, plot twist, foreshadowing, using the word "dissever" and other awesome words in a sentence, etc). I know I still have a lot to improve on and this story could be so much better if I were a better writer. But thanks all the same for being willing to read this story.

2) If you find the first two paragraphs of the last scene familiar, it's because they served as the flashback (but really flash-forward) for chapter 16. I hope the italicized pronouns help differentiate which character it's supposed to be.

3) This part of the plot with Orihime being apart from Ichigo and the rain connecting the worlds is wholly inspired by that special day Ichihime fans celebrate: Tanabata. Way back in 2011, I was hoping I'd have gotten to this part so that I could post this on July 7, but the story grew and there were a lot of things to establish first before I could get to it, plus the muse wasn't being cooperative all the time. It's not Tanabata now, and I'm pretty sure that with the way things have turned out, no one's really feeling celebratory. Sorry T_T
Also, it's another way to pay homage to the manwha "The Bride of the Water God", since that one also used the Tanabata plot.

4) I'm pretty sure I mentioned this somewhere before, but what initiated this fanfic was me wanting to write Ichihime lemons (with Orihime getting it on with Ichigo's different forms) without them being PWPs. And so this monster of a story came to be. I sadly didn't accomplish getting to write about Ichigo's other forms (ie: Vaizard, Fullbring, post-Fullbring with the dual wielding Zangetsu, etc), and even though Hollow Lizard Ichigo finally appeared, inserting a random lemon in the midst of that appearance would just be out of tune with the rest of what was happening (hahahaha)

5) Receiving reviews for this chapter will encourage me to finish the next chapter and actually publish it faster ^_^

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite.

Flashback order: 14, 2, 9, 13, 17, 3, 15, 11, 8, 7, 6, 5, 12, 4, 10, 16.

Thanks for reading :)
May/2015