crash the party
A Super Mario Bros. One-Shot
Summary: Needless cruelty can incense more than it can entertain.
Pity the Shroobs didn't realize this when they let Petey eat Peach.
(Or, Mario punches Princess Shroob in the face.)
Notes: This one-shot is set during the events of Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time, while the quartet are exploring the Koopaseum in Gritzy Desert.
"Gee whiz!" Kylie Koopa sang to the Mario Bros. "You boys found the secret entrance after all! Color me bamboozled."
Mario wearily nodded. "You can say that again," he said.
Up in the Koopaseum's upper area, a group of five heroes—well, four heroes and one extra, technically—had arrived. The coliseum, nominally themed after an ancient Koopa civilization, had noticeably been taken over by the Shroobs; the banners of their face hanging off the walls was proof positive of that.
"That was probably one of the worst secret entrances we've ever had to hunt for," Luigi groused. "Do you know how hot this desert is!? We were wading around it for ages!"
Baby Mario and Baby Luigi didn't seem to care. They gave out happy little cries, blissfully oblivious to the elder Bros.' suffering.
The red-clad hero shook his head. "Enough 'bout that, though. You're the one with all the information, Kylie—where's Princess Shroob?"
The intrepid reporter jabbed a thumb toward the circular frames in the wall. "She should be arriving any minute now! C'mon, let's take a look-see through these windows!"
Mario and Luigi shared a brief, uneasy glance, before reluctantly following Kylie toward the glass panes.
There were a whole horde of Shroobs gathered in the bleachers, with not a single seat left unfilled by these masses. The violet aliens were screaming, cheering to the tune of the four at center stage, where a large Warp Pipe sat sticking out of the ground.
"Boy, just look at 'em, fellas!" Kylie said. "Look at all them Shroobs!"
…
It was not exactly a comforting scene to witness, if Mario was being honest.
This rebellion—adventure had been, by all accounts, an absolute nightmare from start to present. The Shroobs had seen to that: laying siege to the kingdom, using Toads as living batteries, very nearly corrupting the Yoshis… they were by and large the worst villains Mario had ever met, and that was saying something.
"Great Grambi," Luigi swore—"th-there's like, tens of thousands of Shroobs here! We can't-a fight that!"
"Hopefully, we won't have to," Mario replied, grimly. "We just need to get in, get Peach, and then get-a out. If we can just do that, we'll be fine."
'We'll be fine,' he said.
…pity that that statement felt like ash in his mouth.
(Still, a man could dream.)
Suddenly, the lights dimmed inside the coliseum. All voices grew silent as the spotlights all around seemed to intensify in strength.
"It's happening," Kylie exclaimed.
As if on cue, a large shadow passed over the Shroobs. Mario and Luigi looked up in curiosity—
—and there, they saw it.
The Shroob Mothership.
Flying inside the Koopaseum itself; entering from… someplace that Mario couldn't name.
"Wh-What the heck…!?" Luigi cried.
A lime-colored light shone down from the bottom of the ship—and with it, descended the one person Mario had yet to see.
The leader of the invading alien race; the Big Bad behind every crime perpetuated over the last week.
Princess Shroob.
Though she was barely visible from Mario's current position, it was easy to make out the sadistic smile resting on her face. She looked a lot like Peach's opposite, similar to the Shadow Queen—but where the Shadow Queen had been sultry and refined, Princess Shroob instead seemed to radiate a sense of callousness and terror.
"*#*#*#*#*#!"
The Shroobs cheered at her presence, naturally.
Of course she would be a charismatic ruler, Mario thought. What else was I expecting? That she be shot on the spot for condoning all of this?
No, no—that would be too easy.
Give her all the resources! Give her all the love! She's not a monster walking freely in the sun; she's only bathing in the blood of our people!
…
It was safe to say Mario had become more than a little bitter this past week.
Princess Shroob began to speak. Her voice was loud and audible; her words, however, were completely indecipherable.
The hero shook his head.
"We don't have time for this," he said, ignoring the unworthy monarch's attempts at holding a rally (or whatever it was she was doing). "Great as it is to see this 'glorious leader' for ourselves, we should really get to finding where they've hidden Peach. Time's of the essence!"
Literally, too.
"You're-a right," Luigi agreed. "We've got work to do."
He pulled out a Nintendo DS, modified courtesy of Professor E. Gadd and hooked up to the Lakitus' invaluable map service. "I'm-a not sure how well the reception is here, but there's gotta be something we can use—"
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
Both of the Bros. froze.
So did the Baby Bros. and Kylie.
"What in tarnation!? Where did that scream come from!?"
"Oh no…" Mario paled. "Peach!"
December 7, 19XX (2005) – Afternoon
Koopaseum
Basement – Puzzle Room #2
Mario was seething.
"U-Um… Mario…?" Luigi spoke up, nervousness creeping into his voice. "Are—Are you—?"
"Not now, Luigi."
"Oh… O-Okay…"
For once, Mario was thankful that there weren't any Shroobs in his immediate vicinity.
He wasn't too sure how kind he'd be to them, after the evil he had bore witness to.
…Mario wasn't the type to get mad over any old thing.
That being said, he wasn't here to take everything in stride, either.
He'd fought his fair share of villains before. He'd seen the depths to which they'd sink.
But somehow, everything that they had done—Grubba, Doopliss, Cackletta, and the like—all of it paled to just how personal the Shroobs had made this.
Everyone immediately started paying attention to the stadium again, and just in time, too. A Shroob UFO was flying into the stadium, and the figure it was holding by claw was obvious to all: Princess Peach.
The time-displaced princess's eyes caught those of the Mario Bros.', looking in horror from behind their glass panes.
"Help me!" she screamed, as the UFO continued its slated path.
"Oh no," Luigi said—"Oh, no, no, no, no, no!"
The Baby Bros. let out equal cries of distress.
"That's future Peach, you say?" Kylie asked, her brows furrowing. "Well, I'll be—she really is all grown up! This ain't good…!"
Grubba may have been literally power-hungry, but he hadn't taken his plot as far as the kingdom.
All eyes—friend and foe alike—kept their eyes glued to the UFO carrying Peach, watching as it took a round trip toward the center of the coliseum.
"What are they doing?" Mario said, his breath heavy with fear.
"I—I don't know," Luigi stammered. "She's—She's here, but—"
The tension was rising between them. They couldn't do anything, not at this point; all rushing in would do is get them all killed, they easily reasoned.
But that didn't change the fact that Mario's nerves were shaking like a leaf—
—nor did it reverse the horror from seeing Petey Piranha emerging from the Warp Pipe below.
Doopliss may have turned the Twilit folk into pigs, but he hadn't gone out of his way to torture them.
"You can't be serious," Kylie said.
"They can't do that!" Luigi exclaimed.
Mario would have replied, but his mouth went dry.
He remembered what Petey was known for; knew that his appetite was just as large as Kirby's.
Don't you dare, he thought. Don't you dare, don't you dare!
And while Cackletta may have kidnapped Peach, same as all the rest…
…she hadn't decided to publicly execute her out of sheer pettiness.
The UFO was brought over the Warp Pipe.
Petey began to leap up and down, excited and hungry.
Cheers of "*#*!" rang throughout the audience.
And Peach…
…Peach was lowered into Petey's range.
The claw let go—
—and then Petey swallowed her up.
…
…
…
…
…
No…
Mario stared blankly in place.
No… No…
Petey went back down the pipe.
The Shroobs laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
This can't be, he thought, helplessly. This can't…
"…oh, Stars," Luigi said.
"I… I ain't writing an article on that," Kylie whispered. "That's just—That's just cruel. I—"
The five of them stood there in shock for several moments.
Then, Luigi and Kylie were shaken out of their paralysis by the sound of incoming footsteps.
"Oh no—the guards are coming!" she said.
"What!?" the green plumber yelled. "Now!?"
Mario was still frozen in place.
Luigi and Kylie could tell: he wasn't in any ability to fight. Not here.
The reporter's face turned grim. "Greenie. Get your bro outta here. I'll handle these bozos."
Luigi shook his head. "No way! You're not like us; they'll take you out in an instant!"
"That's better than letting him stand there and getting klonked out!" she retorted. "Go! Make a run for it!"
Kylie retreated into her shell, dashing off to attack the Shroobs coming in. Luigi, though still with his own doubts, wasted no time in taking Mario's hand and shooting off in the opposite direction.
"C'mon, Bro!" he said. "This way!"
…
It had taken Mario a few minutes to come back to himself.
Luigi had to tell him what Kylie did.
At first, he couldn't feel anything else but detached horror.
And then, as the realization of what the Koopa's fate would likely be sank in…
…that horror soon turned into a burning rage.
How dare they.
How dare they decide this is right or funny.
The plumber was wearing a resolute look on his face, the kind borne of a stubbornness you couldn't ever shake. His hands were near-permanently coiled into fists, and his fingers seemed to be itching to grab a weapon—any weapon—and smack something.
He didn't really care about the danger of charging in anymore.
Princess Shroob had gone too far.
And he was gonna make sure she felt the consequences.
Luigi looked at him warily.
(He wanted to try and stop him, but thirty-plus years of living with Mario told him there was no getting around this.
Whatever happened next… he'd just have to deal with it.
Oh boy…)
Finally, the Baby Bros. emerged from the upper-left corner of the room, hammering the button to the right of the passageway.
The center door opened up.
Mario's eyes narrowed.
Showtime.
The two babies hopped down to piggyback off the Adult Bros., and together the quartet moved toward the elevator platform at the end of the corridor.
"Let's-a-go," Mario growled.
Koopaseum
Inner Area – Stadium
Mario, Luigi, and the babies ascended to the arena to the tune of gasps and shrieks.
The Shroobs at center stage especially seemed stunned. It wasn't hard to reason why.
Here they were, the scourges of their army, literally emerging from right under their noses. Boldly walking into their safe space, a stadium filled to the brim with them, as if they were that suicidally confident.
Luigi looked around, nervously getting into a battle stance; the Babies cheered, clearly relishing in the unfiltered attention.
Mario, meanwhile, had eyes for only one person.
(You already had my full attention, 'Princess', but now you've earned my eternal enmity.
I burnt the Vim Factory down to the ground for a reason.
What makes you think I wouldn't do the same to you?)
Princess Shroob at first raised an eyebrow, but then settled on giving him a malicious smirk.
A string of word came out of her mouth—but even if Mario was capable of understanding her language, he wouldn't be able to hear it anyway.
His ears were ringing. His hands were shaking.
But his course was clear, and he was gonna cross it.
"*#*#*#*#*#*#—"
Faster than anyone else could react, faster than even he knew he could go, he rushed on up to the alien regent—
—and decked her square in the center of her face, fist alit with a furious flame.
Another shocked silence made its way through the theater.
The princess fell over, several contusions and burns now visible on her features.
Mario spat in her direction.
"That was for Peach, you miserable little bitch," he declared.
The silence continued, everyone's gears still evidently jammed.
"Holy crap," Luigi said.
…
…
…
The babies merrily laughed in amusement, and this broke the last threads of the Shroobs' sanity.
"*#*#*#*#*#?"
"*#*#*#*#*#!"
"*#!"
"*#!"
The crowd started to scream in fury.
Princess Shroob got back up, clutching her bruised face in pain.
Her expression made it clear she was just as enraged as her subjects.
"(DESTROY THEM!)" she screeched.
And as the quartet of time-displaced heroes backflipped away from the torrent of plasma bolts aimed at their feet…
Mario only had one thing on his mind:
Worth it.
"WHY, BRO, WHYYYYYYYYY!"
Mario was happy to note that Princess Shroob still had those injuries the following day, during their enlightening confrontation aboard the Shroob Mothership.
It wasn't quite enough to soothe the pain earthed from learning the Bros. hadn't actually rescued Peach at all…
…but it was a start.
She'll come to regret this, in time.
They never really explain why Mario and co. head to the depths of the Koopaseum in the first place.
So, here's my interpretation of things.
I established back in But the Fates Aren't Done With Me Yet that Mario… doesn't exactly have a charitable opinion of all the Shroobs have done. And given that this is his first time meeting Princess Shroob face-to-face, almost immediately after she sent Peach to be executed… you can probably see why this reaction wouldn't be too out of the ballpark for Mario.
The Shroobs had their choice to make. Sadly for them, they chose the wrong one.
Well, that's all for now – see you around!