Lincoln yelped as the ground beneath him began to shake violently.
"Come on, Lincoln!" Lori growled, "Spill it!"
The Louds were an unusual family by any metric, and as such it was commonplace to witness unusual sights in and around its walls, faded and chipped from years of exposure to hijinx of all shapes and sizes. But the sight of Lori Loud casually swinging her little brother's bed through the air, as though it weighed nothing, while said brother clung to it for dear life, was unusual even by their standards.
"Alright!" Lincoln yelled, feeling his stomach twist into a knot from the latest bout of turbulence. "I give! Unc—AH!"
Lincoln's concession of defeat was interrupted as he finally lost his battle against gravity, his handholds literally slipping from his grasp as one final shake from Lori sent him hurtling into the air. He saw his bedroom ceiling rapidly approaching and squeezed his eyes shut, anticipating what was certain to be a painful collision. However, there was a rush of air, a brief moment of disorientation, and then...stillness. Lincoln slowly opened his eyes, and as the darkness receeded the first thing that took shape was Lori. One hand holding him aloft, the other posed dramatically at her side, a confident smirk on her face. For a moment, she looked every bit the superhero she so desperately pretended not to be.
Then the pair flinched as Lincoln's bed came crashing down, but scant inches away from where Lincoln was being held. Lori's smile receded, giving way to embarassment as the duo observed the crumpled heap of wood and mattress that had one been Lincoln's bed.
"You know, you could have just asked your questions." Lincoln deadpanned, turning to address his older sister.
"I have been!" Lori protested, her eyes flashing. For a moment, it seemed like she'd shake him for emphasis, much like she'd done to his bed, but she hesitated, and instead pulled him close, cradling him against her chest. Lincoln wrapped his arms around her and returned the gesture as best he could, suspended in the air as he was. It felt nice.
"Every time I ask you guys to fill me in, you both get weird and find reasons to run off." She said, glumly. "I'm a part of this now, and I deserve to know why I'm fighting..space aliens, and crazy giant women, and god knows what else."
Ms. Lori has a point. Seven's mechanical voice intoned within their minds. Strange, how quickly they'd gotten used to that. Keeping her in the dark only hinders our cohesion, and all around combat effectiveness.
Lincoln sighed, and gave Lori a reassuring squeeze. "Sorry Lori. To be honest, we haven't really had a chance to process this stuff ourselves. But you're right, we should all be on the same page."
Lincoln released Lori, smiling to himself in bemusement as he didn't budge an inch, still being tightly held by Lori as he was. He pulled out his phone. "Let me get Leni up here, she can probably fix the bed. Plus, she should be here for this anyway. It's her story too."
Lynn Loud sat in the Loud family's living room, not especially happy. The television was on, but it was a smokescreen, its only purpose to make other people hesitant to bother her. The twins were situated on the far side of the room in their natural state of being: arguing with one another. Lynn was ostensibly keeping an eye on them, but she had no intention of intervening unless things got physical. And even then, only to give them pointers. On any other day such as this, with the sun shining and school safely kept at bay by the two government prescribed days off she was entitled to each week (U.S.A! U.S.A!), Lynn would be out and about, making the most of her day, preferably with her little brother in tow. But that wasn't happening, because Lincoln was never around anymore.
Well, that wasn't entirely correct. She knew for a fact that he was physically within the vicinity of the house, as he so often was when Lynn came a calling. But he was going to be with Leni. Or Lori. Or both! For whatever reason, their oldest sisters had become strangely possessive of the pale haired boy, and insisted on spending nearly every waking hour with him. It was maddening. After all, Lincoln was her brother too! Lynn Loud was entitled to just as much Lincoln time as her sisters were, if not more!
And so she sat here. Fuming. And feeling oddly powerless against whatever strange hold her sisters seemed to have over her little brother.
At that point the front door burst open, and a vaguely Leni-shaped blur rushed through, slamming the door behind her as she rocketed up the stairs. Lynn would have been impressed by the sheer amount of speed and coordination displayed by the older girl, were she not certain she knew exactly where that blur was heading.
Lynn sighed, grabbed the remote, and began flipping through the channels. Maybe she could dig a Lincoln-shaped hole somewhere, and wait for him to fall into it. Lucy knew all about digging, she'd ask her opinion later.
Fiona grunted with exertion as she slammed the seemingly normal door behind her. The arm cast, neck brace, and head gear she was wearingmaking it considerably more difficult than usual to slip into the inter-dimensional office space she now worked at.
"You're late." Intoned the man-shaped, eldritch horror sitting at the far end of the room. He didn't bother to look up from the stack of paperwork he was working on.
"I thought you said time was meaningless." She grunted, as she hobbled over to him. If Fiona didn't know better, she'd swear the room was larger than it usually was, just to make things more difficult for her.
"Meaningless to me." Darkness corrected her. "Much like you are."
Fiona slid into her usual chair, growling in annoyance. It was at this point that the being finally looked up from his work, and smirked in that way of his. With his essence, rather than his nebulous facial features.
"Are you still wearing that stuff?" He pointed to her accoutrements.
"Well, yeah." Her face crinkled in puzzlement. "It's only been a few days since the fight. Normally it takes a bit to recover from a butt whupping of that magnitude."
Her frowned returned. "Thanks for subjecting me to that, by the way."
Darkness pushed aside his paperwork and folded his hands neatly in front of him. He seemed entirely too pleased with himself.
"Human, where do you think those things came from?"
"Well, I woke up back in my room, but I assumed the...doctors..." She trailed off, realizing how little sense this was making now that she was saying it aloud.
"My bones aren't really broken." She deadpanned. "Are they?"
"They were." Darkness seemed oddly happy about that. "But I fixed them. Then I broke them a few more times. The crunching noise they make is delightful. Then I fixed you again. I can do that, you know."
He snapped his fingers, and Fiona suddenly found herself sans-hospital gear, and fully capable of locomotion once more.
"Why?" She growled, knowing she was going to hate the answer.
"Because." Her employer replied, flippantly. Fiona hated being right.
"Sometimes I wonder if the paycheck is worth you compounding the suffering in my life." Fiona grumbled, huffing as she crossed her arms over her chest."
"A bit melodramatic, even for you, don't you think? It hasn't even been a week since I've hired you. Give me a chance to earn that reputation."
"A week?" Fiona repeated, confused. "I'm talking about before that."
"I don't follow." Now it was Darkness' turn to sound perplexed, uncharacteristic as it was.
"Before!" Fiona shouted, frustrated. "When you ruined my life!"
The eldritch horror took a moment to consider this. "Doesn't ring a bell."
He held up one hand to forestall further berating from Fiona. "Wait, is this the part were you regale me with your origin story?"
"I mean..." Fiona grimaced. "You make it sound so much nerdier when you put it like that."
"Delightful." He clapped his hands in amusement. "But you've got work to do first."
Fiona fearfully glanced at the mountain of paperwork that had been pushed aside. Suddenly, going another round with Lori wasn't sounding so bad.
"Nothing like that." He waved his hand dismissively. "You were thoroughly incompetent before taking that savage beating. There's no way I'm letting you near paperwork now."
"So then what am I doing?" She asked, flatly.
"You are to rejoice, human. For in my infinite wisdom, I have decided that the best way to mitigate your incompetence, was to offset it with less incompetence"
She stared back at him, uncomprehending.
"I'm getting you an assistant." He clarified, gesturing to Fiona's right. "Meet the new intern."
Fiona turned in the indicated direction, and was surprised to see a chair, which she was reasonably certain hadn't been there previously. It's occupant was a raven haired girl, somewhat younger than herself, sitting with her legs pulled up against her chest.
"Hello." She said in a voice utterly devoid of enthusiasm. "My name is Maggie."
Fiona sighed, and massaged her temples in an attempt to expel the throbbing pain she was feeling. Apparently her duties as Senior Minion included interviewing new hires. It was arguably better than doing paperwork, but...
"Okay. I'm sorry...Maggie, was it?" She asked, waiting for a nod of affirmation from the younger girl before continuing. "But I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Why do you want to work here?"
The Raven haired girl rolled her eyes, clearly displeased. "Because my stupid parents are making me. They say a job will make my college resume look less depressing. Newsflash mom and dad: Life is depressing!"
Fiona paused, trying to process that. "Okay. But I meant, more specifically, why do you want to work here. You know that we're an evil organization hell-bent on subjugating the planet, right?"
"Can you name one corporation that isn't?"
Fiona found that she had no response to this.
"Point taken." She conceded, "I just wanted to make sure that the boss—"
"You mean Mr. Darkness?"
Fiona grit her teeth at the unexpected interruption. "Yes. The—"
"The eldritch space horror who only adopts the guise of humanity for so long as it suits his sinister plans?"
"YES!" Fiona yelled, shaking with irritation. "Him! I just wanted to make sure he'd explained the situation to you."
"He did."
"And you're...okay with that?" Fiona asked, disbelieving.
Maggie shrugged. "It beats working at Flipps."
Fiona considered this. "Fair enough."
She reluctantly pressed on. "I'm almost afraid to ask this, but do you have ANY qualifications for this job?"
"I don't know anything, haven't done anything, and I don't intend to change either of those things."
"Those don't sound like qualifications." Fiona deadpanned.
"That's what I thought. But Mr. Darkness said I sounded way more qualified than his other employee. Then he gave me a bunch of candy."
Fiona's pencil mysteriously snapped in half. "I think I'm starting to see why he hired you." She muttered, fishing for a replacement.
She paused at the sound of crinkling paper. Slowly and mechanically, she brought her gaze back to the perpetually irate teenager, seeing that she was in the process of unwrapping a lollipop. The pair simply stared at each other for a time.
"You want one?" Maggie asked, holding the treat out to Fiona. "I've got lots."