Chapter 37

4 Years and 4 Months after the Hundred Year War
Royal Caldera City

Later that night, Azula rested in Katara's arms in her old bed, the two of them slowly recovering after a particularly intense session of lovemaking. It had felt slightly odd to have sex in her old bed, in this lavishly furnished room with so many beautiful, intricate things, but also a room that to her now appeared so very cold and sterile, soulless. It didn't seem to have any personality whatsoever, as if it had been occupied by someone shaped into an obedient tool, a slave to power and cruelty. And that was exactly who Azula had been, until relatively recently, when that amazing girl snuggled tightly next to her in the bed had helped Azula turn her life around.

"How are you feeling, Zula?" Katara's soft voice interrupted her thoughts. "You look like you're miles away, love."

"Yes, sorry... I guess I was," Azula confessed. "Being back here in my old room just makes me melancholy."

"Perhaps we should have chosen the guest quarters," Katara immediately appeared concerned. "I'm sure we can still swap."

"No, it'll be alright," Azula quickly reassured her girlfriend. "I'm strong enough to deal with whatever bad memories may linger. Especially with you here," she smiled, giving Katara a soft kiss on the lips. "So... you want to talk about Republic City?" Azula asked a while later.

"I want to do what's best for you, Azula, but I also have wants and needs of my own that I don't want to neglect," Katara sighed. "I made that mistake with Aang, when I thought I'd be happy just following him around and supporting him as he carried out his duties as the Avatar. But I'm a little older now and I understand myself better."

"I don't want you to make any more sacrifices for my sake, Kat," Azula whispered. "Agni knows, you've already done more for me than I deserve. If you think you won't be happy in Republic City, then we're ruling it out."

"Well, I don't know that, Zula," Katara smiled softly. "I know what I don't want to do if we move to Republic City. I don't want to play peacemaker between you, Aang and Sokka all the time. If you're going to have your duties and your responsibilities, I want to find some ways to contribute as well, other than just by being your supportive girlfriend."

"I understand," Azula nodded quickly. "Very well... I promise to play nice with your brother and the Avatar. I know how important it is to you. And I'm sure we can think of something for you to do... you're a master waterbender and an amazing healer, there should be opportunities to put your talents to good use."

"That would make me very happy," Katara smiled at her girlfriend. "Perhaps Zuko will have some ideas if we talk to him about it." Azula nodded again. "We should probably rest now, though... it's been an exhausting day," Katara then suggested.

"Probably," Azula agreed, stealing another kiss from her girlfriend. "Night, Kat."

"Sweet dreams, Zula," Katara smiled to her before closing her eyes.

As per usual, Katara was fast asleep mere minutes later, while Azula's eyes remained wide open. Truth be told, she was a little afraid to fall asleep in this room, fearing some nightmare would sneak up on her, inspired by all those stomach churning memories that infused this entire place. Still, there was only so long she could fight off sleep, especially with Katara's warm body pressed so comfortingly against her side.

However, soon after having fallen asleep, just as she had feared, a nightmare inescapably descended upon her, ensnaring the princess, so vivid and real. She found herself back in her bed, but Katara was no longer at her side and Azula felt cold and lonely. And then… and then her father stormed in, large and towering, that cruel and twisted sneer on his face, the whip ready in his hands, ready to rain blows upon her back and shoulders.

"You can't hurt me anymore!" Azula shouted, leaping out of the bed. "With your bending taken, you have no power over me!"

But her father merely laughed cruelly in her face, advancing further upon her. In a desperate move, Azula lashed out, aiming to incinerate her father in a sea of flames, but... her attempts to conjure the blue flames fizzled out. There was no energy flow within her to draw upon! Aang had not only stolen Katara from her, he had also taken her bending!

"You will never be able to cast me aside, useless, pathetic child! I will always maintain my sway over you!" Ozai snarled as the blows began to rain upon Azula's skin, turning her back and shoulders into a bloody mess. Azula tried to bite back the screams of pain for the longest time, but eventually Ozai managed to break her will, as he always did. She let out a pleading cry, starting to whimper and beg for mercy... and then she woke up, finding herself sitting upright in the bed, her fingers digging deep into the soft duvet.

Somehow she had managed not to awaken Katara, her girlfriend mumbling something in her sleep, a frown on her face as she turned around in the bed and continued to snooze. Azula quickly climbed out of the bed, unable to face the thought of immediately going back to sleep. Was there really something about this room that was affecting her so badly? She couldn't remember having such nightmares as a child, but perhaps she was simply misremembering... or perhaps her whole childhood had been a nightmare, even if at that time she hadn't realized it.

Settling into a chair by the window and looking at the starry sky above, Azula felt her melancholy mood starting to creep back in. Would she ever be able to make a clean break with her past? That seemed unlikely, and not just because other people would never allow her to forget what she had done. She'd just have to learn to live with it. Like Yagoda had told her, just because she was leaving the North, her healing was not over, it never truly would be. Trying to reconcile with her past would remain a constant struggle, but as she glanced at the bed where Katara slept soundly, Azula instantly felt lighter. Fortunately, her struggle came with its own rewards, and how very sweet they could be. Yagoda and Katara had both questioned whether she would be able to endure this struggle without the rewards offered by her relationship with Katara. Sometimes, Azula felt that she would still put up the fight. Sometimes, in her low moments such as this particular one... she seriously questioned her own resolve.

Perhaps what she needed was to face the ghosts of her past more directly. She did not feel ready to stand face to face with her father, not yet, but... she could do something else. Azula quickly threw a robe over her shoulders and slipped out of the room. The palace wing hosting the living quarters of the royal family was silent and empty, with only a narrow strip of light falling from the doors to Zuko's rooms. Azula quickly made her way to the end of the hallway, to those large and imposing doors that she had dreaded to approach as a child, when her grandfather Azulon had resided inside, but the feeling had persisted when her own father moved in to occupy these chambers.

Even now, Azula found her heart rate spiking as she approached the imposing doorway. Her hand trembled slightly as she placed it upon the handle and pulled on it. It didn't budge, the doors were locked, but Azula had no intention of letting that stop her. Her firebending neatly sliced through the lock, the fire blades smoothly and quietly removing the obstacle in her way.

Hesitantly, holding her breath, Azula stepped inside her father's former quarters. Using her firebending, she quickly lit up the room, starting to carefully look around. The small antechamber held nothing of interest, and it seemed that everything had been left just where it had been during the final days of Ozai's reign. Zuko probably had not wanted to touch anything in here, and had also not bothered to clean out the space, preferring to simply leave things as they were and forget all about it. It wasn't as if the royal palace was lacking for space. Azula knew that her mother's old quarters were also kept as she had left them, and Zuko made sure to maintain them. She wouldn't be surprised if her brother kept inviting their mother to visit him regularly. He was far too forgiving for her betrayal, as far as Azula was concerned.

Moving on from the antechamber, Azula walked down the hallway which led to the bedroom to the left and Ozai's study to the right. She had no wish to ever see her father's bedroom, so she chose the study for her exploration. Everything here had been left untouched as well, and Azula slowly moved around, continuing to explore. She had only been allowed into his study a few times before. Her father's quarters had been off limits to everyone. Again, as in her own room, Azula could not help but notice that even if this place felt like it had been lived in, there was very little that spoke of the personality of the owner of this space. Everything was cold and impersonal, military manuals and regalia, trophies from the conquered colonies, a large Fire Nation flag draped across one of the walls and a large map covering most of the writing desk.

Azula felt strangely empty as she sat down at her father's desk, looking over his discarded belongings. There was nothing else but the items pertaining to his task, his sole purpose to conquer the world and everything in it. There was nothing that spoke about the hidden depths to his personality, or suggested that deep down he had cared about anyone but himself. There were no poetry books or small, insignificant tokens of remembrance and affection anywhere. She hadn't expected to find any drawings of Ursa and Zuko, but there wasn't even one of her. She really had just been a tool for her father.

An uncomfortable question suddenly occurred to the princess. Could Ozai have changed if only he had someone like Katara helping him? Azula had heard from many in the royal court about how gentle and compassionate her mother was, stories she had dismissed at face value. It seemed that Ursa had failed to make any positive impact on her husband. Not that she blamed her mother for this failure. Ozai had most likely not wanted to change. She hadn't wanted to change, not until she had spent four years in different prisons and mental wards.

All questions about whether her father could change evaporated as Azula opened the bottom drawer and spotted the single item contained therein. She reached in, picking it up with trembling fingers, her knuckles turning white as she gripped down hard on the handle of the hated whip that had been used to tear down any last vestiges of her rebelliousness and insubordination.

Azula was not certain how long she would have simply sat there at the desk, staring numbly at the whip in her hands, before a soft voice coming from the doorway made her snap back to reality. "Azula? Azula, what are you doing here?" she looked up to see Katara's concerned face, her girlfriend clearly worried sick about her. "Is everything alright?"

"I couldn't sleep. Had a nightmare," Azula replied. She was done trying to hide any perceived weaknesses from Katara. She was committed to the truth, as hard and painful as it often was. "I had this bright idea to come here in search for answers."

"These were your father's quarters, weren't they?" Katara asked, looking around, clearly looking uncomfortable to be here. "Did you find the answers you sought?"

"I don't think so," Azula shrugged. "But I did find this," she showed Katara the whip in her hands.

"Spirits, that..." Katara paled from the view. "That looks very heavy to use on an eleven year old girl," she gasped, looking absolutely revolted. "Are you sure it's helpful for you to... play around with it?"

"I was thinking of keeping it," Azula confessed.

"Why would you want to do that?" Katara gave her a stare full of incomprehension.

"I'm not ready to face my father, not yet," Azula shook her head. "But when I do... I'd like to have it with me. I want him to know that what he tried to do to me wasn't enough, I want him to see that he has failed to break me."

"I think it's something we should discuss and approach very carefully, Azula," Katara spoke, sounding worried. "I know that your father held so much power over you, and... it would be foolish to assume that facing him would leave you unaffected. We have to make sure that you are truly ready for this confrontation. I don't want you to have a setback, Zula."

"I don't want it either," Azula nodded. "You're right. This is still… tearing at me a great deal. I need your support more than ever, Kat…"

"And you'll have it, every step of the way," Katara smiled at the princess, making her way over to where Azula sat at the desk, briefly hugging her and then urging the princess to rise from the chair, leading her out of Ozai's quarters. "Let's just get back to your room and then we can talk some more. Hopefully it'll help you calm down, Zula. Unless... unless you want to swap your room for the guest chambers?"

"I think that would be a good idea, yes," Azula finally admitted. "My old rooms… they belong to someone I'm desperately trying not to be anymore. Staying there is clearly not helpful for me."

"Glad you see it that way, Zula," Katara smiled, pulling her in for a quick kiss. "Let's go and invade the guest quarters."

The following morning, soon after Katara had woken up, one of Zuko's servants arrived at the guest quarters to inform her that the Fire Lord was asking for a private audience with her. Azula had already risen earlier, as she always tended to do, but Katara did not have to worry about her whereabouts, spotting her girlfriend vigorously practicing her firebending in a little square right outside the guest wing. Katara quickly made herself presentable and then dashed off to find Zuko in his quarters.

The guards at the doors parted to allow her inside and Zuko's private secretary, a studious and scholarly looking young man with thick glasses, then showed her into Zuko's study where her friend was sitting at his desk, going through some official looking reports and looking all serious and stately. "Oh... good morning, Katara!" he appeared a little startled to notice her, even if he had been the one to send for her.

"Good morning, Zuko," she smiled at him, taking a seat at his desk.

"Right, take a seat," Zuko facepalmed, looking embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm getting really sidetracked by so many things happening at once... but I still wanted to check in with you. Is everything alright? I heard that you moved to the guest quarters during the night."

"Ah… yes, we did," Katara nodded. "Azula had a bit of a nightmare. Perhaps staying in her old room wasn't such a good idea after all."

"I'm... concerned," Zuko looked very worried all of a sudden. "The letter from Yagoda was so glowing, but it seems like... all is not well."

"Zuko, how could everything just be perfectly well so quickly?" Katara shook her head. "It's a constant struggle. Every day is a challenge for her, but she's fighting it so bravely, and I'm trying to be there for her. She's made it a long way already, but there's still a longer path ahead. And I'm just not sure staying at the palace is going to be helpful. There are so many things that contain bad memories and could trigger panic attacks."

"Damn it... my poor sister," Zuko looked crestfallen at her explanation. "I really hoped you could stay here a while. I wanted to get used to having you both here as a part of the family, but... it seems that we should accelerate our plans to settle Azula in Republic City."

"Yes, about Republic City-..." Katara began to speak, but Zuko uncharacteristically cut her off.

"Of course, you'll want something to do in Republic City as well," the young Fire Lord said. "I didn't get the opportunity to tell you this last night, but I have something in mind that you'll find interesting, Katara. The hospital in Republic City is perhaps the most advanced in the world when it comes to medical sciences, using all available techniques known to mankind. As such, it has a ward of waterbending healing, but... it's a little understaffed, and the benders they have are not very experienced. They are looking for someone to take charge of the team of waterbenders and guide them. I think you would be perfect in that role, Katara."

Katara had listened to Zuko's words with her mouth hanging wide open. Her friend had just described what her dream job sounded like. Still... despite feeling giddy and excited, Katara wouldn't be the person she was if she still didn't put up a token protest out of humility. "It sounds lovely, but… are you sure I'm not too young to lead a group of healers?" she asked uncertainly. "I still have a lot to learn myself. Maybe you should ask someone from the Northern Tribe…"

"Nonsense, Katara, you need to stop selling yourself short," Zuko gave her a stern look. "You're the best healer I've ever known, period. Nobody expects you to know everything instantly. You will grow together with your team. Please, I can tell that this is something you are interested it. Don't deny yourself this opportunity."

"Alright... fine, I accept!" Katara exclaimed, breaking out in a huge, relieved grin. Suddenly, she couldn't wait to move to Republic City. With this opportunity, and with Azula as her partner, she knew that she would find her life in the city very fulfilling.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't have to fight harder to convince you," Zuko also looked relieved. "Good, now my people can start making the preparations. I've already scoped out a lavish mansion for the two of you."

"You're giving us a mansion?" Katara gasped. "Truly, this is too much, Zuko, I feel bad about accepting such generosity."

"Are you kidding?" Zuko gave her a disbelieving stare. "You've given me back my sister. I could give you a thousand mansions and still be in your debt!"

"Well... if you feel so strongly, I'm not going to try and talk you out of it..." Katara gave up quickly.

"Good," Zuko nodded. "The only thing I ask is that you keep a wing of the estate reserved for me, because I most certainly plan to visit a lot."

"Of course, that would be amazing!" Katara exclaimed happily. "Oh, Azula will be so thrilled to hear about this!"

"I really hope it makes her happy," Zuko smiled softly.

"It will, and I should probably go and tell her all about it, I don't want her to come back from her firebending practice and start worrying about where I'm gone," Katara said. "This is something that Yagoda stressed to me about Azula. Her expectation of abandonment and betrayal is so deeply rooted that she becomes very anxious when she doesn't know where I am, or if I'm running late. It's very important that I keep her informed at all times about where I am and what I'm doing."

"It's... a little strange to know that my sister could become so... clingy," Zuko appeared surprised. "But I suppose it makes sense. So many things that happened in the past, I can see how she could interpret them as people either abandoning her or turning on her. It's painful to think about." He seemed to ponder something for a moment before asking. "Is there anything else you can advise me about dealing with Azula?"

"Try to be as honest and open with her as possible," Katara said. "She reads you very well, Zuko. If you try to keep something from her, it will make her paranoid, and could damage her slowly forming trust in you."

"That's... that's a good idea," Zuko admitted. Then he let out a deep sigh. "I should have expected it. I don't know why I was so optimistic about her state of mind. I mean... I can see the amazing progress she's made already, but from what you're telling me, I can see that she is still very fragile. And I had hoped so much that I could arrange a meeting between her and our mother, so that they could hash things out..."

"I think Azula will have to do that at some point, Zuko, but she's not ready for it just yet," Katara said. "And she also wants to confront Ozai."

"She wants to talk with father?" Zuko gasped, looking horrified. "Why would she want to do that? That can't be good!"

"She knows and accepts that she's not ready for that confrontation either," Katara explained. "I believe she thinks that by showing him that he has failed to break her, she might gain some closure. I mean... it might work, but we need to be careful with it."

"I'll say..." Zuko sighed. "Well... thank you for letting me know these things."

"You're welcome," Katara smiled at him.

"Yes, well... I should probably return to these boring reports now," Zuko shrugged apologetically. "I'll see you later at dinner. It will still take a few days before everything is prepared for your departure... I hope Azula will be able to endure that long."

"She'll be alright, I'll just take some extra good care of her until then," Katara grinned mischievously, then turning around to leave. "Now I'm off to give her the good news. We're going to Republic City!"