Chapter 40
4 Years and 10 Months after the Hundred Year War
Royal Caldera City
"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Azula snapped out of her reverie at the concerned voice of her girlfriend, as the two of them were standing in the inner courtyard of the Capital City Prison.
"Yes... yes, I do," Azula nodded, trying to appear more certain than she was. Back at the Republic City, the princess had decided that she was finally ready to confront her parents, but as that fateful day gradually neared, Azula no longer felt as confident. Still, here she was, back in the Fire Nation... and there was no backing out of it now. She had become comfortable showing some of her weaknesses to Katara, but to lose her nerve and run away now... that would be too much.
"I still have my concerns," Katara sighed. It seemed that she could sense some of the unease oozing from Azula. Her beloved waterbender was still as perceptive as ever. "Azula, if... if this is going to lead to you experiencing setbacks, then I... I'll never forgive myself for letting you go through with it."
Azula turned towards her girlfriend, pulling her close for a tight hug. "It's going to be fine, Kat," she whispered. "I am strong enough." She needed to be, and she was going to be strong enough. She'd never allow Katara to feel guilty for something that happened to her, not if she could do anything about it.
"Princess Azula?" one of the young male guards interrupted their embrace, looking very... inspired at having spied them exchange a tender kiss. "I wanted to inform you that the prisoner has been prepared for your visit, as per Fire Lord Zuko's instructions. You may see him at any time. We have been advised to give you complete and utter privacy," the guard spoke, walking up towards them and then passing Azula keys to her father's cell.
"Are you really sure that you don't want me to be there with you?" Katara asked, one last time, but Azula shook her head in determination.
"It's something I have to do on my own," Azula whispered, then releasing the worried looking Katara and proceeding inside the prison complex proper, being led down a winding corridor up to a cell at the very end of the passage.
"He's in there," the guard pointed at the cell doors and then quickly made himself scarce.
Azula took a deep and steadying breath before slipping one of the keys into the lock, tugging on it nervously until it slid open and granted her entry. The room behind the doors was split in two by a gate of heavy metal bars, and on the other side of the bars, she finally saw him, almost five years later, a pale and gaunt face pressed against the bars. Once, he had appeared to her so very physically imposing, towering over her, standing tall, proud and muscular. Now, Ozai was a shadow of the man he used to be, at least where his physical presence was concerned. But his eyes were the same as they had always been, cold and calculating.
"Ah, my daughter comes to visit me... what an unexpected pleasure," Ozai's voice was no longer loud and commanding, now it sounded more like a raspy hiss of a trapped snake. "Tell me what brings you here, Azula... have you escaped your imprisonment and are here to free me? Or has your brother released you to be a free woman, in which case... your appearance is a pathetic disgrace to the royal bloodline."
Azula let the insult slide. She didn't care that her father felt scandalized by the lack of the proper and stiff Fire Nation top knot, or her overall appearance, no longer dictated by the need to always strive for perfection. The way she looked made her feel liberated, and loved by Katara, and it was all that mattered.
"I have been a free woman for more than half a year, father," Azula replied, forcing herself to remain calm.
"And it did not occur to you to do something to facilitate my release so that we can do something about that usurper, my former son?" Ozai snarled at her.
"Zuko and I have patched up our differences," Azula said, knowing full well that her calm and polite responses would drive her father absolutely mad from rage. And that was exactly what she wanted. "I am now working for Zuko, father."
"What are you talking about, you despicable traitor?" Ozai shouted, attempting what looked like a lunge at her, but the bars held him back. "How dare you? After everything I have done for you, Azula, how can you turn your back on me? You would abandon me for Zuko? He's the one who destroyed our family, while I gave you everything you have!"
"What you gave me, father, nearly destroyed me," Azula remarked bitterly. "And it would have destroyed me, unless I hadn't met someone very special. But I will not even bring her up in a conversation with you because it would only sully her name."
"Pathetic. You have gone soft and useless, daughter," Ozai gave her a disgusted stare. "Release me, and perhaps I can still make something out of you. Remind you what you were meant to be."
Azula withdrew the key ring and waved it at her father. "If I were to release you... how would you remind me of what I was meant to be, father?" she drawled, a dangerous note to her voice which Ozai appeared to miss.
"The same way I once did," Ozai glared at her. "You were intelligent and talented, a prodigy... but you were also wild and difficult to control. You needed to be broken. And I would break you again, for your own good."
Azula shuddered at those words... words that she had once believed and taken for granted. She would never believe her father's words again, of course, but the knowledge that once these words had made perfect sense to her still chilled her very bones. Mentally steadying herself, Azula found the right key and approached the bars, noticing the victorious grin that had appeared on her father's lips. Did he still truly believe that he held so much power over her? It certainly appeared that way. Ozai couldn't have known that Katara had disintegrated his web of dark influence.
As Azula opened the doors to the inner part of Ozai's cell, her father made a move towards her and the exit, but the princess would not allow him to come near her. She raised her arm and a bright shield of flame sprang up around her, pushing Ozai back towards the wall, her father glaring at her with a mix of incomprehension on his face. "How did you think to control and break me, father, when you no longer have your bending to intimidate me into obeying?" she asked mockingly, using her free hand to withdraw something from the folds of her dress. "Perhaps you meant to use this?" she continued, revealing the item that her father recognized instantly... the whip she had taken from his palace quarters.
"How dare you speak like that to your own father? Know your place, Azula!" Ozai rose, trying to sound as intimidating as he could. He failed to impress Azula.
"I'll dare to do more than just talk back to you, father," Azula snarled angrily, finally letting her bottled up hatred run freely. "I am going to make you feel the way you made me feel all those many years ago. Powerless and helpless! Alone and abandoned! At your complete and utter mercy, as you beat me senseless with this very whip! And after I am done with you, you will know what you made me go through... but even then, it won't be the same. I was a child of only eleven! And you treated me like a monster… an animal!"
"I taught you the only way you would understand!" Ozai snarled at her, moving slightly towards Azula. "Your own mother thought you were a monster!"
At the mention of her mother's disdain for her, red flashed before Azula's eyes. She let loose with the whip, and it struck Ozai across the face, leaving a bloody, red welt. It almost looked like Zuko's scar. Ozai briefly touched his injured face, looking shocked that she would dare to strike him, and then he leapt at her. Azula's bending flared up instantly, a ring of fire forcing him back, and then she lashed out with the whip, again and again. Ozai cried out, turning away to avoid more blows raining down on his face, but once he had turned his back on her, it all just reminded Azula of how she had covered before him as a little girl, feeling the whip lashing against her back and shoulders. Azula did not stop, striking her father relentlessly, until the rags covering his back were slashed open and blood poured freely from the broken skin on his back.
As Azula walked out of the cell, locking it behind her, she stopped to briefly regard her father, lying motionless in the corner of his cell, for once no more poisonous words coming from his mouth, trying to break her again. She tried to think of something powerful and meaningful to tell her father, one dramatic final parting shot, like from some fantasy story or a legend, one phrase that would finally break the power that her father had held over her, but... nothing fitting came to her mind. Besides, things didn't work like that in the real world. Breaking Ozai's indoctrination was a process that had lasted for many months, and would probably last many years until she was finally free from his shadow. It wasn't something that could be fixed with a catchy parting shot and a dramatic exit.
Having locked the outer doors of the prison cell, Azula did not waste any time in departing from the premises, emerging from the massive tower into the inner courtyard, where her worried looking girlfriend was immediately at her side. "How did it go?" Katara asked softly. "Are you alright?"
"I am, but I want to be away from this place," Azula replied, quickly heading for the exit from the prison complex, stopping only to toss the keys to one of the guards by the gate. Then she walked right through the open gate and didn't stop until a few minutes later, well away from the prison, Katara struggling to keep up with her.
"Azula..." Katara tried again. "Was this a mistake? Please, talk to me," she implored.
"I don't know," Azula shrugged. "I don't think so, and yet... I'm not sure it was as helpful as I had hoped it would be." She looked at the whip in her hand, Katara wincing when she noticed that it was dripping with blood. "I mean... for a moment, it felt liberating to watch him suffer the way I had suffered. But... he was just a helpless and broken old man. He deserved that and so much more, but..."
"But now you wish you had taken the moral high ground and had stood above what you did?" Katara asked softly.
"Yes, exactly..." Azula sighed. Katara understood her so perfectly, it made her heart ache from all the love she felt for the other girl. "I don't think that my anger is the side of me I should indulge in." Katara gave her a hopeful smile and an emphatic nod. "So... never again," Azula said. Then she threw the whip in the air and let loose with her bending, the blue flames of her fire jet incinerating the whip and turning it into ashes. That did feel liberating.
"Perhaps you did learn something important about yourself after all," Katara came to stand next to her, placing her arm around Azula's waist and lowering her head on the princess' shoulder. "So maybe it was worth doing."
"Maybe," Azula conceded. "But... I still hope that meeting my other parent will be... less draining, although I somehow doubt it. My father said something that really got my blood running hot, and now... now I fear that it has made me less inclined to talk to my mother."
"What did Ozai tell you?" Katara asked nervously. "Also, you must consider that he might have been lying."
"He wasn't. He's not the only one to tell me that my own mother used to think that I was a monster," Azula sighed.
Katara flinched at her words. "Why would she say that about her own child?" she asked. "Could there have been some reason, context that we didn't know?"
"I was a very... spiteful child, impossible to control, with penchant for petty cruelty," Azula admitted reluctantly. "In an essence, she wasn't wrong. But it still hurt. It made me feel as if I could never turn to her when I needed something."
"It's a terrible thing to say about a child, especially your own. A child should feel like they always have the support of their parent," Katara sighed. "Zula, I'll be honest with you... hearing such things actually makes me rather angry towards your mother."
"But you still think I should make peace with her?" Azula wondered.
"Yes, you should," Katara nodded decisively.
"Why?" Azula insisted. "I've been doing just fine without her in my life. I have you, and I have Zuko and Ty Lee... it's not like I need her."
"Zula," Katara turned to face her, Azula swallowing heavily when she saw Katara's eyes glistening with tears. "My mother was killed in a Fire Nation raid when I was only nine years old. There is very little I wouldn't sacrifice to have her back in my life... I wouldn't give up you, and our love, but everything else? I'd give it up gladly. You have a chance to reclaim something I will never be able to get back. I can't stand and watch you squander this opportunity."
"Hmm... I get that, but it almost feels like it's more important to you, than it is to me," Azula remarked thoughtfully. She then thought of something, a realization while looking in Katara's eyes. It seemed that her girlfriend was desperate to live vicariously through her restored relationship with her mother... and Azula realized that she wanted to try, especially for Katara's sake, if not her own. "Very well... I'll make the effort, Kat," she finally gave in with a sigh.
"I knew you would," Katara smiled brightly, reaching in for the softest of kisses. "Thank you, Azula."
"I'm just not very good at being forgiving… or at apologizing," Azula sighed.
"Nobody is naturally good at that, it all comes with practice," Katara smiled encouragingly. "Do you think I actually enjoy apologizing? I can be very proud and very stubborn when it comes to that, but sometimes it is simply the right thing to do. Like I had to do with Suki yesterday," the waterbender let out a deep sigh.
"I'm sure she wasn't all that mad with you," Azula smiled.
"Oh, she wasn't exactly happy either, and she was completely entitled to feel that way," Katara said. "She was upset that I had so little faith in her that I would assume that she would cheat on Sokka... and she was right, I shouldn't have assumed that. But I think my apology was earnest enough, and we have worked out our differences by now."
"I knew you would," Azula chuckled. "But you are very good at forgiving other people, Kat. Your heart is much gentler than mine is, and I don't know if that can be taught."
"You can be very gentle and caring when you want to be, Zula," Katara whispered huskily to her. "Mind you, I don't want you to be gentle and caring that way to anyone else but me. I might end up bloodbending that other person inside out."
"Katara!" Azula exclaimed, a little shocked... but also incredibly turned on by the possessiveness of her girlfriend. "Anyway... I was going to ask if you could help me forgive my mother, but instead you decided to say things that just got me seriously hot and bothered."
"Sorry," Katara grinned, the kind of wolfish smile that implied she wasn't sorry at all. "There's no magic recipe to forgiving someone. I think what you have to do is to try and understand why your mother did what she did. Ask her these questions, allow her to explain and see if it makes sense. Perhaps something she says will make her actions more understandable."
"That sounds like a good idea... thanks, Kat," Azula smiled at the other girl. "See, you are an expert at forgiving people. After all, you forgave both Zuko and me, and we basically dedicated our lives to make your very existence a living nightmare."
"Again, I could forgive you when I came to know more about you, and I understood the reasons behind your actions," Katara explained. "And you might be surprised to hear this, but forgiving Zuko was actually a lot harder for me than it was to forgive you."
"Really?" Azula asked, surprised. "Was it because of what happened in the Crystal Catacombs?"
"That's right," Katara nodded simply. "And while Zuko's betrayal felt very personal to me, I can imagine that your mother's actions feel even more hurtful to you, Zula. To feel unwanted by your own mother is something no child should feel. However, I know that your mother is deeply remorseful and wishes to atone for her mistakes. She wants to try and heal the pain that she has caused, and I think that should count for something, wouldn't you agree?"
"I think it does," Azula admitted. Years ago, she undoubtedly would have assumed that this was all a plot by her mother only to get closer to her, where she could hurt and betray her again. But Katara had helped her see the good in other people, had softened the paranoia that had built all those walls of isolation around her. "Very well," the princess spoke up in a determined voice. "I think I am ready to face my mother."
"I know you are, Zula," Katara smiled at her. "And I couldn't be more proud of you."
"Oh, and even though I didn't want you there with my father, Kat..." Azula spoke hesitantly. "I would like you to be present when I face my mother."
"If that's what you want, Zula," Katara asked. Azula nodded quickly. "Then that's how it shall be, the princess and her waterbender, together forever."
"Together forever," Azula whispered, embracing her girlfriend as they began their long trek back to the palace.