Author's Note: I have realized I cannot keep my dead line that I have stated within chapter one. I will not be able to update this story every weak as it makes me feel rushed, timed, and write horribly. I am sorry for the long wait for this chapter and I will say that I will complete this story one way or another. I will not leave it unfinished as I know you readers would be upset with me. So hang tight and be pacient I am trying to work on this story while I honestly see it as a choir now rather then an actual fun thing to write.
So here's chapter six, I hope you enjoy it! :)
I open my eyes the next morning with a mental picture of Sakura Haruno laying right next to me. She looks like her teenage version of herself; though her clothes were different from the ones the anime version took to wearing. From what I can see she's wearing something light pink and has green pants on her. She is also turned away from me and we were both facing my apartment door. The thing about this morning was I could almost literally see the sleeping figure with my eyes; but the mental picture of her is gone almost moments after I become fully awake.
I could see the light that came through my window on the suddenly vacant floor in front of me. I could tell from the darkness of the house around me and the softness of the light that it was somewhere around ten or at least early in the morning.
Despite being tired I get up sluggishly, use the facilities, and once again go to the kitchen to down some more water. Despite the hunger gurgling at me it is only a soft reminder instead of a gut wrenching cramp within my gut like it was the first few days. I figure that it's because I'm not fully awake as I think and I was sedating my hunger by drinking so much water.
' Its ok I'll be able to get you food today.' I thought to myself as I drank the tap water.
I remember a hopeful promise that the Hokage himself made to me; that I was supposed to get some money from the Hokage today. Even so, I can't help the worry that he lied to me. Not because he was a man not to be trusted; but because of my mental disorder. I can't help but think that because I told him of my disorder that he lied to me and was going to have my ass moved to an asylum where they would give me a lobotomy and probably do more horrible things to me. That irrational but logical thought plagues me this morning with that hope. The only reason that I had this fear was because I know shinobi are not past lying; whether to save one life or hundreds of others they would still lie. I can't help but also feel he didn't believe my story. I wouldn't have believed my own story if I hadn't experienced it for myself. I'm afraid that he may have actually lied about the health institute, his belief in the story, and his word about his own story. I'm dreading the possibility of being sent to an asylum because here within this world; lobotomy is most definitely realistic and possible reality for a cure of my schizophrenia. What's worse my mind was beginning to say that there could be other more horrific ways of trying to cure mental disabilities. Not only that is on my mind though. I have to make myself forget the presence of the hallucinations to just be sane; but even when I do that the schizophrenia still lingers within the back of my mind.
In spite of my slowly waning sanity; I quietly made my way through my apartment and open my front door to check my little metal mail box. It is situated just beside my door on the wall to my left as I exit my front door.
As I checked my mail box I took note of its black color and triangle cylinder like shape that allowed for more room in the box. I flip open the lid, which was situated on the top, and stuck my hand inside with hope that my fears would be wrong.
I feel a slightly big package inside and I pull it out. The package was a normal white envelope with a slightly fat size. I look at the front side and see that there's Japanese writing on it. There within the middle of the package was my name in English. I open the package and I see bills of money sitting within. I well up with excitement and exclaim.
" Oh my God!" I look up to the sky with a happy smile of relief.
" Thank you Lord God! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" The words poured out of my mouth with speedily excitement. I rush back into my apartment again and decide to spread the good news to the hallucination Sakura; who was still lying on the floor as far as I could tell.
" Sakura!" I called her with quiet excitement; trying not to be too loud because if my neighbors heard me they would see me talking to myself instead of 'people'. I do know talking to them is not socially acceptable where I came from so I am trying to not bring questions onto myself from other people.
The mental picture of her leaves my mind once again and I'm left trying to figure out if she answered or not. I waited a few moments and then once again call her.
" Sakura!" I wasn't very loud about it but I did get an answer.
' What Samantha?' I hear her say tiredly. I hold up the envelope and reply.
" I got the money the Hokage said he'd give me!" The mental picture of her returns to me and I witness an interesting sight.
She sits up and rubs her emerald eyes. Her hair was slightly messy with the same light pink tone. Her cloths were a pink fluffy jacket a pair of green pants and the same blue shoes many of the people here seemed to wear. Her skin was pale as I remember seeing her being. She answers me as she rubs her eyes.
' What are you talking the about?' She asked me and I answer her as I shut the door.
" When I went to talk to the Hokage he told me he would send me some money for going into the Academy." She looks at me and said.
' Have you been accepted into the academy?'
" Well they said that I would get my answer on…Saturday I think? Or on Sunday. Definitely on Sunday but otherwise on Saturday." This is not a problem to me though I was having a slight difficulty remembering what day it was currently. I turn myself away from her and begin looking at the closet though I'm unsure of why I am.
' So how did you get the money then?' She asks and I find myself thinking about that for a moment.
" I honestly have no idea." I say after a moments thought; rethinking my thought moment after as I recall what the Hokage told me yesterday.
" Well he did say he would send money, and I guess that means he's accepted me into the academy. But in any case, the money's here and that's what matters." I started to pace into the kitchen and back into the living room as I begin to think of the market I found while on one of my outings this week. As I was remembering where the market area was; a thought suddenly shouts within my mind so loudly that I stop my excited pacing in the living room.
' Don't you have to pay rent?' I cannot discern who it was that said it but I did remember my promise with Miss. Motoka.
" Crap! I nearly forgot about my rent! Thanks for the reminder!" I turn my gaze to the spot I last 'saw' Sakura with a blind mind and say.
" Sakura I'll be right back, I have to go pay my rent." Listening to her reply is an easy task with how prominent my schizophrenia has been acting. I could mentally see her combing her hair with her hand as she replied.
' See you when you get back.' A slight frown finds its place on my face though I am unsure why; in my mind I see the image of a young purple haired teenager, who knew as Nodoka, give a kiss to Sakura. The unfamiliar emotion of jealousy runs in my blood. But at the same time seeing them kiss in my mind didn't necessarily say that they actually did anything. Which had me fighting with myself to figure out if it was 'really' just happened or if I was truly imagining it. This problem has happened more than once when dealing with the hallucinations. Of course the two girls never said anything to me that there was anything going on. Despite it being a bad thing to have rampaging schizophrenia; I couldn't have 'seen' this event if it weren't for me being off my medication for as long as I have been. In fact I could have ultimately thought it was all in my head; but that is not the case now. So with this thought proccess in mind I left my apartment and shut the door behind me.
When I got outside and my door was shut I started muttering under my breath as I locked the apartment.
" Stupid Nodoka kissing Sakura. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Urg!" As I express this bout of frustration I suddenly feel surprised and critical about my reactions. So much so that I voice out my criticism almost immediately after I finish the sentence.
"God, I'm getting jealous of a hallucination? God... What is this life coming too?" This is my new thought process as I go down the hellish stairs of the apartment.
Even when I personally didn't like the critical vocalization I saw the point it was making; I was attempting to bring some sanity back into my mind by letting a personality express their thoughts. Its an act I appreciate most dearly now because the longer I go without medication; the more the insanity grows within my mind.
My angry feeling jealous goes away as I find myself at the bottom of the stairs and the annoying yet helpful criticism from my personality has me feeling slightly saner than what I have been feeling.
I make my way to the lobby doors and enter. The first thing I see is Miss Motoka sitting at her desk with papers piled up on the desk. I assume she's doing paper work so I try come in quietly and walk over to her desk and wait by her desk paciently while quickly trying to remember her name. She worked on her paper work as if I wasn't there and after a few minutes waiting I finally call to her.
" Miss Motoka?" She looks up at me and it shows me that I got her name right.
" Yes?"
" I have the money to pay for rent." She places her papers down that she had in her hand. I reach into my envelope and take out the money.
" How much does it cost?"
" Fifty four thousand yen." My head shoots back up and I look at her with horrified surprise.
" My apartment costs that much?" She raises an eyebrow and I realize that I probably said something offending.
"Is that a problem?" I quickly shake my head as I see the danger zone of her words.
"No, it's not a problem! It's just…" Her arms snake over each other in an arm fold and a scowl of annoyance fills her wrinkled face.
" Spit it out kid. I ain't got all day." Before I could stop myself my concerning question falls out of my mouth.
"Isn't that a lot of money for an apartment?" I realize as soon as I said this I put myself in very dangerous territory so I quickly try to salvage the situation.
"I mean I've never had an apartment before so I really don't know how much it costs…" I am left fearing for the worst. She watches at me for a moment and gives a small exhale that I believed to be a sigh.
" It's enough for the kind of apartment you have." Once again my mouth betrays me before I could stop it.
" Ok, can you explain why? I mean if it's not too much of a inconvenience." She unwraps her arms and holds her left hand up with one finger showing.
" First off kid, the facilities you have, like a bathroom and a big kitchen, are luxuries when it comes to apartments. So they are going to cost more to run and cost more to have." I'm surprised that she actually answers my question.
" Oh, ok. To be honest I've never really had Japanese currency so I don't know how much this moneys all worth." She gives me a stern look and says.
" Don't interrupt." I give her a nod and watch another finger rise from her fist.
" Second, You're living in the city and places to live, like apartments are in high demand so they are going to cost more. So the demand for living space in the city raises up the prices even more." I nod and she sticks a third finger up from her hand.
" Third, We have an unwelcoming tenant living in my apartments and that makes people not want to rent here. So the prices have to go up on the other renters apartments to compensate for that." She leans back in her chair for a moment.
" You mean Naruto huh?"
" That boy is the only reason people are not renting my apartments. If it weren't for him I would have this whole apartment complex filled with tenants. And I wouldn't have to charge my other attendants so much." She stretches in her chair and says.
" I don't know why I'm telling you this, you're just a foreigner, you wouldn't understand." I am silent for a moment after she says this before I ask.
" Is that why you're asking for so much?"
" Well I haven't got any other choice. If I want to keep these apartments running I have to pay for it somehow. Even if that means it comes out of my own pocket." I find myself pleased to find she's not such a hard woman on the inside and in my spontaneous good judgment I just smile and decide to not mention my discovery.
" So that's why you want so much."
" Yea that's about it." I can't help my widening smile as I say.
" Well if you need to do that I don't mind paying a little more." She raises an eye brow.
" That's a first time I've ever heard a tenant say they would pay extra for an apartment."
" Well I'll pay the price you've asked of me, if that helps keep your apartments running. I rather not be on the streets again so…" As I was saying this I was counting the money within my envelope.
" What was the amount again?"
" Fifty four thousand yen."
" Ah, thanks." I pull the amount out of the envelop and hand it to her. She counts the money under her breath and when she finishes she looks up at me and says.
" This is fine. You can go now." I bow to her.
" Thank you very much." I turn and leave the apartments and start the climb back up the stairs.
My mind wanders to the two hallucination people who I know currently resided in my apartment with me. 'Are they a couple? why didn't they tell me?' I have a feeling that they are together that stands prominently in my mind despite my doubt; though if someone were to ask me how I know I wouldn't be able to explain how.
Now I didn't mind the fact that Sakura was in a relationship. In fact I'm happy she could find solance in someone other then me. My problem with it is that I take a lot of comfort from the hallucination Sakura. There were a lot of moments in the years with schizophrenia where her 'existence' and her 'presence' were the only things that made my loneliness I feel a little bit more bearable. This new development takes away the only emotional support I have and has me feeling very embarrassed because I would attempt to be affectionate such as holding and cuddlin Sakura in the dark of my bedroom back at home. Having done that and other actions around the same affection level for however long while they were in a relationship had me very embarrassed by my actions.
' There's no one else who's going to listen to me and my problems now, except god.' Even when I quickly added ' except god.' into my thoughts this thought did not bring me comfort. That should have been disturbing to me when I felt this since I consider myself to be Christian. But here I am thinking this way. There was no one else I knew who would listen to my problems and no one else who was 'there' to just comfort me when my isolating loneliness was at its worst. " This is just fucking great!" I say as I climb the stupid stairs. "How am I supposed to deal with this? How can I handle this stupid situation now?"
'Her thoughts in her mind are scaring me,' I hear a childish female voice in my mind saying. The reply comes quickly after and I could almost say with confidence it sounded like Sakura.
' Shh. Everything's going to be ok.' I none the less listened to the voices become mulled over into mental 'static' where I could 'feel' them trying to talk but then I couldn't find anything coherent.
I reach the top of the stairs and once again have to fight the uneasy feeling of my fear of heights. I enter my apartment and say the first thing that comes to mind.
" Why didn't you tell me you two were in a relationship?" The pair looked at me with curiosity.
'What do you mean?' Nodoka's soft voice asks me.
" I saw you two kiss. I think." I start to be unsure of what I saw before hand as she replies.
' Did you see us kiss?'
" Well I think so. I was about to leave the apartment when I saw you two, ya know."
' Kiss?' She asks softly,
" Yea that." I'm starting to become flustered and I demand.
" Are you two going to tell me or not?" She sighs and says.
' We're not dating Sam.' I start to become infuriated with embarrassment and anger because of them denying what I saw. I didn't want to be made a fool.
" Then what was that I saw?" Sakura comes to her rescue and says.
'We didn't mean for you to find out like this.' Nodoka looks to Sakura and says.
' Sakura,' I mentally see her look with a hand up to calm her and say.
'It's ok, I'll handle this.' I mentally see her return her gaze to me and then the picture of her is gone from my mind.
' We didn't mean for you to find out this way. We were waiting for you to become more stable before you found out.' Despite her kindness I was still angry. For all the things I did; like attempting holding her at night or kissing her lips within the dark of my room. All that embarrasses me not only because I know now there was a witness; but now I feel bad because I could have been straining their relationship the entire time they were together.
'Why did they not tell me? Couldn't they have given me some mercy and attempted to say she was in a relationship?' How can I live with myself now knowing that perhaps during that time I had made not only Sakura uncomfortable but Nodoka too? I cannot physically see them. I only have mental pictures of them. So that makes it even worse because I could have mistaken one to be the other and oh god the embarrassment attacked me ferociously.
My face heated up rapidly and I couldn't help my angry reply.
" You could have told me sooner! God I can't even begin to describe how angry I am!" Sakura is calm with her words.
' I know you're mad with me.'
" I'm not angry at you, or Nodoka. I'm angry you didn't tell me about this sooner! I don't mind the idea of you searching for someone else! In fact I think I can say I'm happy for you! I do mind that you neglected to tell me and that I could have said or done things to the wrong person! God I don't even know what I'm saying! Just ignore me!" I couldn't stand being in their 'presence' anymore because I was just embarrassing myself; so I quickly walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me.
' God couldn't they have told me?' The things that had happened before hand flashed into my mind and I regret them. Even more embarrassment fills me as I sat on top of the toilet seat with my arms folded and stewed in it.
The memory of my affectionate actions flashed through my mind. I remember how lately I couldn't positively say there were feelings for her. The voices and the personalities have been putting words in my mouth I was unsure of being mine. Memories of the many nights I attempted to get rid my isolating loneliness by believing in her existence at night came to mind. I remember there have been times like now that I 'needed' her to emotionally support me; but the thought of how many times have I made her uncomfortable plagued me.
How many times have I accidentally threatened their relationship? What if I said my romantic words to the wrong one? God how many times have I done this? How can I live with myself? How can I stand myself now?'
These kind of questions are the thoughts running in my mind as I sat in that small toilet room. One old but very familiar thought comes to mind.
God how many times have I made their life a living hell?'
' Samantha.' I heard Sakura say from the other side of the door.
" Go away!" I say firmly and try not to yell so I don't alarm my neighbors.
' She just needs time to process this.' I hear Nodoka say.
' Yea but,' I cannot stand my own silence and yell just loud enough to get through the door.
" I can still hear you!"
' She just honestly needs some time guys.' A voice that sounds like Hinata says these words and I'm left wondering.
' God who the fuck else is here?' As I tried to listen their words become gibberish in my mind and I hear them no more for a moment until I hear.
'God who else wants to get the fuck out of here?' I hear mental words of agreement from different voices in my head and I can't help but want to shut down the mental chatter.
As I think that the mental chatter I hear a turns into a strange noise and suddenly my mind feels empty with silence.
" Sakura?" I ask out loud; but there is no reply.
I stand up and open the door.
" Hello?" There is no mental reply.
" I guess they're gone…" I don't know how to feel about this. This occurrence has happened a couple times before, I remember. But I usually never know how to deal with the silence.
" Well I guess it's just me for now." Half of my embarrassment and anger leave as I say these words and then the memory of one of my goals hits me.
" That's right, I have to get my clothes cleaned." The problem with getting the shirt and jeans cleaned is how I was going to dry them. Would I leave them out in the sun again?
I shake my head and think.
' No I cant be streaking half naked for that long.' The thought of using the oven hit me again; but I dismiss the idea quickly. Then the thought of wearing the drying cloths came to mind. After mulling over it for a few moments I came to the decision that being in dry clothes wouldn't be so bad since the heat of the last few days has been unforgiving.
So I go to the kitchen decide to take off just one article of clothing to keep myself half way decent. Taking off my shirt I was slightly disgusted by the smell that came from my shirt when I smelled it.
" Ew, remind me not to go without deodorant!" I turn on the kitchen sink and begin to scrub my shirt before the hot water heated. As I did this I had to remind myself to not be negative and so I said out loud the first thing that came to mind.
"Well at least it's not as bad as my brother." The thought of my younger brother made me slow my scrubbing and my mind lingered by that thought.
He is only a year younger than me, and yet that did not matter with his mental disorder. He couldn't do much on his own without prompt from people multiple times. Thinking of him made my mind wander to my parents and my family.
Tears start to form and fall from my eyes. For once there is no 'need' to control my outer immage and I let myself cry. I think about the home I was taken away from and how life was so much easier there. I also think about my family and how much I wished they could comfort me.
I feel a presence on my left hand; but I do not venture into trying to know 'who' it was.
At this moment I realize I'm not alone and that despite the hallucinations not being physically real they were the only support I had. This made me look to my left and 'see' there was someone there.
' why didn't you tell me sooner?' I hear within my head and I reply.
" What? That I have feelings for you?" There was no reply and for a moment I begin to believe that I had really made up the words.
" I just…I'm having a emotional break down because I miss my family and I don't know how I'm going to live without emotional support." Even when I'm saying these words I feel abhorred by my words.
" God, I don't want to use you! But I just…"
Then there's something wrong because I can't feel their presence and I begin to wonder if I was even talking to the same person.
' How do I even know who I'm talking to?'
I wipe my tears on my arms and valiantly try to recover my composure. This does not happen easily as I could still feel the physical pain of my sadness within my throat for minutes after the tears stopped.
This did not stop me from cleaning my shirt. When I did finish I left It soak in some hot water and try to write within my diary.
Day 5, Friday ( I think)
Well I found out that Sakura and Nodoka are together. Theres so much to write about I don't know if I can gather my thoughts…
I find myself fighting to find the words as I sit on my living room floor. I end up leaving the diary blank after writing some words of the voices and close it. I decide to lay down on my floor and look up at the ceiling.
I don't know how long I lay there on the floor just stewing in my frustration and the light static of my mind. Then I start to think of home and days where I had felt like this before.
There were days I remember wanting to lay down and stare at the ceiling; but America is full of ways to distract oneself with money. The internet was my distraction as much as writing and gaming. The only thing I can still do is write here.
" How long am I going to last without internet?" As soon as I say this I am once again annoyed with myself.
"God you don't need the internet! You need food damn it!" I knew this very well and I had to fight to reply.
" I can't get food until my clothes are done being cleaned." With that thought in my mind and my impatient hunger I get up off the floor and walk into the kitchen to check the clothing.
The water is still warm and it's only been like that for a few minutes. Deciding to just get the shirt on I take it out of the water and wring it out. When I finished wringing it out I decide to look at it before I put it on.
The shirt is red with a blue tiger design on it. It used to have plastic jewelry for the eyes but they had fallen off long ago. I take the shirt and smell it to see if it still had an odor. All I can smell is the soap that I had scrubbed into it. So I put on the wet shirt on and feel immense relief from the heat. After that I take the envelop with the money and leave for the markets I had found during my exploration of the city.
Once I step outside my door I feel the intense heat of the summer day hit like a slap to the face. Wearing the wet shirt helped keep my torso cool; but the rest of my body felt like it walked into an oven and had the door shut.
I shut my apartment door, lock it and walk to the balcony part of the stair way and stop for a moment. I compare the heat from my house to the heat outside. Such thoughts led to a moment of curiosity.
' Since when did I turn on the AC in my house?' I didn't remember right then and there what I did, but I did have a moment of having a argument with myself and my oh so helpful conscious.
' I'll just leave it, I need to get me some food.' I thought in response to my curiosity. I take a single step from the apartment and I hear
' No, you need to go check the thermostat.'
" Can't I just leave it?" I ask aloud as my thoughts and responses start becoming to fast for me to keep up within my mind
" No, what about the power bill?"
" What power bill?" I know at this point that this argument was not mine to win; but I know very well it was still my decision to listen or not. I also know that my neighbors could me listening to me so I whisper my main point despite the silence of the 'voice'.
" How am I supposed to turn off the thermostat anyway?" There was no instant reply to my words so I wait for a few moments for some response. Unfortunately my patience is wearing thin so waiting a few moments is all I am willing to do.
" What ever, I'm hungry so I'm getting me some food." With that I walk to the steps on my this floor and start down the steps to the market place I found a few days ago.
When I did get to the street I feel relieved to not only see small stores but also see stands with food like fruits and vegetables being displayed.
I spotted a stand that looked to be displaying large oranges and couldn't help but be drawn to it because a lot of the other vegetables and fruits I see are not familiar to me. A tann heavy set man was standing behind the stand and had a smile form on his face as I approached.
" Welcome! These oranges were freshly picked this morning!" I couldn't help myself as I pulled my envelop out of my pocket.
" How much do these cost?"
" We have these oranges at the modest price of 100 yen each."
" I'll take four of these." I pick them up and it occurred to me that I didn't have a bag with me so I ask.
" Do these come with bags or do I just bring one of my own?" He gives me a strange look and asks.
" You're not from here are you?" I give a small sheepish smile as I had to place my fruit back on the stand to just get to my envelop.
" I have to put them there for a second. I just got her a few days ago actually."
" Well we usually expect the customer to bring their own carrying device whether that would be a bag or a basket and what not." I nod and hand him a thousand yen bill.
" Can you give me the change for that?"
" Thats easy enough." I watch him pull out some bills and count out the amount and then he hands it over.
" Thank you sir." I take it from him and he replies.
" No, thank you for being a customer." I place the change in my envelope, give a slight bow to the man
and then I leave the stand.
I start heading home with my fruit in hand with two missions in mind; I need to get my backpack to go shopping and I need to eat before I go shopping for more food. While this is in mind I do feel amazed and proud of myself because I didn't spend all of it in one sitting.
I would have actually started eating the oranges if I had a place to put the other oranges. But they are bigger than my fist so I figure they wouldn't fit well within my pockets. So I carry them home within my arms and had to fight my urge to eat them as I walk.
When I did climb the steps and reach my door I stood at the door trying to figure out how I was going to open it. I come up with a quick solution; I put three oranges in the crook of my left arm and attempt to stick the fourth orange in my pocket only to remember that my key was in my right pocket. So I put the forth orange in the crook of my left arm and pull my key out of my pocket with little problem.
I open the door and I find myself hit by the cool of the the apartment. " Crap, I left the air conditioner on!" I walk to the thermostat which was on the wall, in the entrance of the hallway and within eyesight from the door. I don't actually know if it would be helpful but I turn up the heat to make the apartment stop cooling itself.
After doing that I sit down next to my bag and place all the oranges on the floor in front of me.
" Well there's not much I can say except thanks god for the chance to have food, and the money. That's all I can say for thanks I guess, well unless I say thanks for the apartment. Thank you in Lord Jesus name…" I took an orange from the pile and started to peal it with impatience.
I tore the orange in half and take a bite from the half in my left hand; I'm pleasantly surprised because the orange is sweeter than the oranges I've had at school. I remember the oranges being softly sweet sometimes if I was lucky; they were usually sour or they would be dry when I got them from the high school.
I tore into that orange hungrily eating it as if it was an apple; it was gone within a minute. The next orange I grab to eat I take slightly more time eating which is good because when I am hungry I normally eat really fast and end up eating more than what my body actually needed.
The fact that I have had moments in my life where there wasn't food might have an affect on my impulsive eating has crossed my mind; though at this point in time what really matters is that I have food in my stomach cause I haven't eaten anything for most of this week.
As I eat It occurs to me that I should check how much money I actually have. So I pull out my envelope and start counting the bills. Instead of having six hundred yen left from buying the oranges I had five hundred left.
" Hey, that guy stole my money!" It sucks that it would happen to me but I made a mental reminder to check my money when its given back to me.
In any case I had twenty four thousand and five hundred yen left when I finished counting.
'Well that's helpful.' I started eating the third orange when I took a moment to reflect on my situation. I look at the peeled orange in my hand and then the pile of oranges in my hand.
"I haven't eaten most of this week and the first thing I eat is an orange." I pause and admit my luck out loud.
" I am really lucky, I could have been sent to an asylum and that didn't happen. I could have been on the streets and that didn't happen. Having gone without food for a week hasn't been that terrible, I finally got food for once and yea that guy did kind of rip me off but I have the rest of my money." I look up at the ceiling.
" Thank you god, I really appreciate the help."
' Your welcome.' I hear within my mind; but I quickly dismiss it as one of my voices as that has happened more than once.
When I finish my third orange I take a look at the fourth.
' I really need to save that orange for later.' I take it in my hand, get up from the floor with another hand filled with peels and go to the kitchen. I place the Orange on the counter and place the peals next to it since I didn't have any trash bags.
" So I need to go shopping for some food and I probably need to buy some pots and pans...Then I need to get some convenient stuff like toilet paper and garbage bags. Definitely need garbage bags and toilet paper 'cause going without sucks." The fact that i've been going without these things has both made it easy and hard at the same time; I know I can go without a lot now, but at the same time I don't want to if I don't have to.
' I should make a list. That way I won't forget what I'm getting.' That thought actually surprised me because I never usually make lists; or go shopping for that matter. I mull over it for a few moments and come to the conclusion that it was actually a good idea.
So I go back to the living room, walk over to my backpack and began to rummage through it for loose leaf paper. I find a yellow notebook and tear a piece of paper out from the back. I find my sparkly purple pencil bag and take a mechanical pencil from it. I go back to the kitchen and begin listing all the things I needed for my apartment.
My shoping list
Trash bags
toilet paper
pot
pans
skillet
eggs
milk
oranges
bananas ( if any)
ramen ( cheep kind)
cups
plates
silverwear ( Chopsticks?)
anything that looks familiar. ( what would that be? lol)
I was about to finish my list when another thought came to mind. " Shouldn't I get some cloths? I mean, I need more than one pair of clothes but…" I shake my head and say.
" Sam, you need to get some food, clothes are a luxury."
" And their something I technically need because I can't go to the academy wearing the same clothes everyday they would ask me about my hygiene and that's something I don't need right now." I feel myself change personalities once again and say.
" Fine, but only if we have enough money left."
"I don't need something expensive just something to get me by." I find myself within control again. so I write down the cloths as an optional thing. If worse came to worse I would just buy some tomorrow if I have enough money.
I empty my backpack onto the floor and leave the stuff on the floor thinking I would clean it up later and go back out into the heat of the day with the thought of getting the things I had on my list from the market place in mind.