Chapter 1

Can't and Won't

"It's too bad they don't know how to share." Portia blushed as she half joked, trying to ease her friend.

The other woman with her sighed, "It really is a shame." Celsa could only rub her forehead. She was so very tired.

The redhead's hand on her knee raised her head, "I didn't mean that. But really, it's not your fault this is happening."

"Isn't it?" she chuckled mirthlessly, "I got too close to them and told them both what they wanted to hear."

"But it was also what you wanted."

"I really should have taken into account that there aren't, in fact, two of me." She sighed, "Leave it to me to fall for the oil and the water."

Portia watched her carefully. Her caramel hand over her mouth, elbow on her knee, her green eyes narrowed at the far wall of the cottage in intense frustration. She tried to lighten the mood again, "Which one of them is the oil and which one is the water?"

That broke the magician's frustrated glare and she smirked a touch, "Do you really want the answer to that? One of them is your brother."

They laughed together at that, the action relieving the tension. The two women sipped their summer cocktails and looked up at the stars.

"Split myself…" Celsa spoke to herself, maybe even to the stars peeking through pink evening haze, but Portia overheard.

"Are you still thinking about that?"

"It's genius."

"I'm sure it would be if it were possible." Portia was dismissive at first then realized who she was talking to, "Is it?"

"I think it is. I feel like I remember seeing a spell in one of the more questionable spell books at the palace."

"Is it dangerous?"

The magician nodded, "Likely."

Portia suddenly regretted the suggestion. One thing about Celsa, she would choose the reckless route to get what she wanted. And she wanted Asra and her brother, "Celsa…"

"Stop. This may be the best option I've got." she looked down into her near empty glass, "I can't let Julian go without me…but I also can't leave Asra here." when she looked up, her resolve shone in her gold rimmed gaze, "If I pull this off I can go with Julian and stay with Asra."

"Is that really best?"

"I won't know until I try." she stood and gathered up her bag, heading for the door, "I better go. I told Julian I'd see him at the Raven tonight."

"But Celsa-!" Portia called after her, just barely stopping her in the doorway.

She smiled warmly, just wanting the other woman to trust her. "Please Portia, say nothing."

She sighed, unwilling to go against her best friend, "You know I won't."

"Thank you."

"Have you decided if you'll come with me?"

"Julian…"

The atmosphere of the Rowdy Raven felt like home. It was loud and warm and somehow here at this secluded booth, with Julian, she always felt safe.

The doctor reached across the table, taking Celsa's hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. "Please. I'll be gone for weeks and I don't want to go that long without you." he held her gaze as he continued, "We can see other port cities, find adventure; we'll bring back plenty of interesting nicknacks for the shop…"

She smiled at him, stroking his hand back, "You know i'm the last person to be adverse to adventure," she ran her hand up his arm as she continued, "to danger."

His pulse fluttered under her hand and he blushed, "I can be happy with this. But I'd love more."

The lust in his eyes made it hard to look away. It was her turn to blush. "You know I would too."

He stood and came around the table. Sitting next to her on the booth side and recapturing her hands, "Then why do you always sit across from me?"

He moved in close, his breath dampening her neck, as she said, "Short of us completely shaming ourselves in this booth?" he flushed red, clenching his eyes shut as if to will away his excitement as she continued with his head on her shoulder, "Because news of us like this getting back to Asra causes…tension."

It was also because, much like when they first sat across from one another in this very bar and she watched him read the letter she'd brought him, she enjoyed the complete sight of him.

He sat back and sighed. "It's not like he doesn't know you're here. It's not like it was."

Like it was when they were trying to stop Lucio. He'd managed to grab moments with Celsa. Get close to her; re-learn her. He stole them away when the larger group was occupied with something else, some other daunting task. But Asra had the same moments and more. Then when everyone learned what Asra gave for her, to bring her back, the general expectation for the magicians was a romantic relationship.

"Have you really chosen him?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then why won't you come with me?"

Her eyes watered and she tried to shrug it away, "I can't choose. But I recognize that you leaving makes the decision for me. If you leave, a choice is forced on me."

"I don't want to force you…"

"I know that. Neither of you seems to care that I spend time with the other. But yet I still have to pick someone." she sounded exasperated, annoyed even, "Why do I have to choose at all?"

He didn't say anything and pointedly avoided her eyes. But their hands remained entwined between them like milk and honey.

"I leave in three days." he finally said, so softly she barely heard him over the ruckus in the bar despite how close he sat.

She lifted his chin and made him look at her, "I know Julian, I know."

"Welcome home, you've been gone all day." Asra descended the stairs slowly, an easy smile on his face.

"It's been a long day. But I'm here now."

He never pushed her about where she'd been. He largely already knew. She tended to stick to routine; checking on Muriel in the early morning, breakfast and tea with Nadia, lunch and more tea if not drinks with Portia at her cottage, then usually ending the evening with Julian at the Rowdy Raven. As long as she returned to him, wrapped herself around him at night, he had no complaints.

In fact, he had no complaints about whatever she chose. But his inability to tell her that was the real problem.

Still, he did wrap his arms languidly around her waist, bringing their foreheads together and asked, "Did he ask you again?"

He felt her whole body tense for just a moment, her hands clenching his arms, "You know he did."

"So you said no."

"I did not say no."

His frown cut her, "Are you leaving me, Celsa?"

And there was the bleeding to accompany the cut. The wound was deep, tearing at her insides and horribly hard to bear, "I didn't tell him I'd go. Just like I'm not telling you i'll stay."

Asra pulled her even closer, pressing their bodies together with an arm up her back. "We don't have to stay here. I'll take you anywhere you want." his lips were dangerously close to hers, "I'll take you far away and we'll never have to come back."

Life was a fairytale and even a game at Asra's hands. He would alter existence to be with her; he in fact already had.

Celsa didn't stop him when he kissed her; pressing her against the door of the shop so every inch of them was in contact. It was so easy to get drunk on a person like him, too easy. His hands, his scent, his lips. Most of the time it was like he wasn't even real.

"A-Asra wait…"

She was flushed a dusky peach and her lips were pleasantly bruised. But she was so wound up over other things, "Can we just sit together tonight?"

Asra cradled her head in his hand and smiled at her, albeit sadly, before kissing her gently, "Of course we can."

She called out to him as he reached the bottom stair, "I'll figure this out. I promise it'll work out."

He looked back at her, his eyes full of love, "I know you'll make the right decision."

A/N: Thank you for starting my story! It's a short introductory chapter with hopes of about 1,000 more words per chapter moving forward. I wanted to warn everyone first that this story was planned to be rated M. But M stories get lost in the search since you have to specifically search them to see them. So i've decided to move forward with the T rating and toe the line for M moments. There will also be M rated one-shots to go with this! Thank you!