Saving Alan Chapter 2

Alan listened to the slow and even breathing coming from Fermat's bunk beneath his own, and finally gave in to the flow of tears that had been threatening to fall all day. That morning he had woken in his bed on Tracy Island with a feeling of despair and a sense of impending disaster in the pit of his stomach, and the day worsened from there. It was the last day of his Christmas vacation and his entire being recoiled at the thought of having to go back to school. He had been so relieved to come home, so happy to see his family again. Things weren't perfect; his older brothers picked on him, he had to face the disappointment of his father, he felt a little smothered and a lot misunderstood. But he had been home, and he had been safe. He needed a longer break, he needed to catch his breath. He needed to get away from the constant feeling of drowning that plagued him at school. But he couldn't; the misery was always just waiting for him to return.

Alan had known that his father would be disappointed in him. His physics grade was a nightmare, and try as he might, he could never live up to the astronomical expectations that had been set by his over-achieving brothers. Being the youngest was always a difficult task, but being the youngest in a family like the Tracy's was nearly impossible.

Alan's oldest brother, Scott, was everything their father had hoped and dreamed for in a son. In high school Scott had been a baseball star, he'd gone on to make his father proud in the air force. Now, at only 25, Scott was the field commander for the Thunderbirds and his father's right-hand man at Tracy Enterprises. After their mother had died, Scott stepped up and helped his father and grandmother in raising his younger brothers. Alan could never manage to stick to the daunting path of perfection that Scott had paved for the Tracy brothers. The worst part was that Alan hated to disappoint Scott every bit as much as he hated to disappoint their father.

Then there was John. John was a straight A student all throughout his academic career. He had graduated at the top of his class from Harvard, then followed in his father's footsteps as an astronaut for NASA. At 24 John was a revered author, and as a brother he was another giant whose footsteps Alan couldn't hope to fill. These days John spent most of his time in outer space manning Thunderbird 5. Alan had been surprised that John was able to come down for Christmas this year, and while he had missed his space loving brother, he was anxious and embarrassed that John might hear about Alan's less than stellar grades and look down on him for them. John rarely became angry, John didn't pick on Alan as the rest of the brothers tended to, but John's quiet disappointment cut deep. Alan couldn't bear the thought of his brother thinking less of him.

Virgil was a medical prodigy. As the team medic for the Thunderbirds, Virgil needed to be informed, equipped, and prepared to handle any number of medical emergencies. Virgil spent his time away from rescues attending virtual medical classes and studying for med school. In his free time, Virgil blew them all away with his astonishing musical and artistic talent.

Then there was Gordon. At 20 years old, he was nearest in age to Alan, but his legacy was no less daunting to live up to. An Olympic gold medalist in swimming, and an honored member of the WASPs (discharged for medical reasons following a nearly fatal accident), Alan couldn't hope to measure up to him. Gordon and Alan had been a team growing up, playing practical jokes on the rest of their family. Now Gordon seemed to know exactly which of Alan's buttons to push. The year before, when Alan had been at middle school, there had been an incident involving a poorly supervised science lab. Alan had been running some extra credit experiments for one of his classes but had made a mistake. It resulted in him ruining half the lab, lucky to escape without injury. Now Gordon wouldn't let him live it down. It seemed to Alan that Gordon would always be able to dig up proof of Alan's immaturity and inadequacy.

All he wanted to do was fit in with his family. He adored them, he perhaps even hero-worshipped them. He wanted to do something spectacular to prove to them, to prove to himself, that he was worthy of the family name. But it seemed that everything he did ended up failing or missing the mark. He was a mistake. Of all people, it was his physics professor, Dr. Smith, who pointed out to him and reminded him that he was 6 years younger than his next youngest brother and so must have been a mistaken and unwanted pregnancy. Alan had tried to reassure himself that it wasn't true, but with every passing day there seemed to be more and more evidence to support his teacher's claims.

As much pressure as there was to live up to the greatness that was the Tracy name, Alan still felt safer and all around better when he was at home on Tracy Island. School had become a prison for him, sucking all his energy and life force away. In the fall semester he had been excited to begin at a new school. He had joined the soccer team and the school choir. He was excited for his new classes. He couldn't wait to meet new people and make new friends. He was most excited for his physics class. Alan was no sluff when it came to science. Though physics was generally taken in junior or senior year, Alan had managed to test into the class early. Science invigorated him. All his other classes he shuffled through. He performed well enough, but his passion was in science. But all of his passion and excitement had come crashing down around him on his first day of school. He had started school with his best friend, Fermat. As they made their way to their first class it became obvious that they were going to have to overcome bullies. It turned out that Alan and Fermat would make very few friends. Fermat was picked on for his stutter and for being so much younger than all the other boys at the school. Alan was picked on for standing up for Fermat.

Then there had been the classes. Most of them were boring, just as school normally was for Alan. Physics, however, soon became Alan's most dreaded class. Dr. Smith seemed to have it out for Alan from day 1. Alan didn't know what he had done, or what it was about him that seemed to grate on Dr. Smith, but the man truly despised him. As the semester went on the hatred grew. Alan was afraid to talk to anybody about what was going on, but he was also frightened to go to class. It was all too common for Alan to pour hours upon hours into his physics homework, only for Dr. Smith to claim he never turned it in. It was also completely normal for Dr. Smith to hold Alan after class and verbally berate him. By the end of the fall semester the professor had taken to threatening him, and a couple of times even physically grabbed Alan's arm and held him against the wall. No, this was not appropriate behavior, and Alan knew that, but he felt trapped and terrified. Dr. Smith was a respected professor on campus and nobody else seemed to have a problem with him. And, as the teacher had pointed out on numerous occasions, if Alan had reported him, it would be the word of a subpar student against the word of an honored professor. No matter how hard Alan worked in that class, he was doomed to fail, as the professor simply refused to acknowledge any of the work that he turned in.

Dr. Smith was not the only threatening presence on campus. Alan found himself at the mercy of several upperclassmen who were constantly menacing himself and Fermat. Alan had some training in self-defense and was not particularly weak, so he was able to fend off the worst of them, but only found himself in detention as a result. He did, however, possess a certain skill set that came in handy; Alan Tracy was a computer whiz. He could create computer programs that rivaled some of the world's leading companies. He found himself and his programming skills at the mercy of these unsavory characters. They would demand he program one thing or another, or help them out of academic jams, and he would in return for safe passage through the hallways for himself and for Fermat. It was exhausting and his conscience was heavy for it, but he didn't entirely know what else to do.

Alan thought that his saving grace would come through his extra-curricular activities. He was good at soccer, and years of evading older brothers had ensured that he would one day become a track star. He pushed himself to sign up for soccer, choir, and track, as he thought that he could use his extra activities to prove to his family he could be his own person and live up to the Tracy family legacy. Track didn't begin until the spring semester, but he found that the physical exertion of soccer and the emotional expenditure in choir could help him to forget about his troubles while he was engaged in it. By the time Christmas break came around, however, he was so tired that he dreaded having to make an appearance at either activity.

With all that he had to do; Alan was stretched too thin. There were not enough hours in the day to attend to soccer practice, choir rehearsal, computer programming, and homework. He had to keep his grades up, his father would never accept academic failure. He had to keep up with his activities, because he felt like he needed to prove himself. He had to keep producing certain computer programs, that was a matter of keeping himself safe from harm. So, he found himself staying up late and waking up early, skipping meals, skipping out on breaks, attending too many study groups, and pushing himself to the very edge. And all of that would be okay. If it weren't for the fact that he felt his determination slipping. He wasn't just tired physically; he was tired in his very soul. He was tired of never being good enough, tired of being threatened and bullied, tired of being scared to go to class, tired of knowing that he was a mistake and always would be. He was just so tired of everything.

And so, as Alan awoke on that last morning of Christmas vacation, he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wished he was still a little kid so that he could cry to his dad and let him solve all his problems. He longed just to be held in his father's strong arms while all his trouble faded away. But he already felt like such a monumental failure that he couldn't stand the thought of letting his father down further by giving up. He didn't know what to do, he didn't feel safe or happy at school. He didn't feel wanted or like he fit in at home. He was drowning in life. He didn't even want to get out of bed, he didn't know if he had the energy. He just wanted to lie there while the world passed him by. He didn't really care anymore.

But the day wore on and Alan had to get back to school. To make matters worse, his dad was unable to fly Alan and Fermat to the mainland, so Brains had to take them. Alan was well aware how busy his dad was, and how critically important his job was. He felt stupid for even wanting his father to fly him to school. A part of him cried out, though, desperately wanting to know that he was worth his father's attention. Things hadn't been smooth between Jeff and Alan because of Alan's dismal physics grade. It wasn't fair. Alan wanted his dad to save him, wanted to tell him what was going on in that class. But the words died inside of him when he saw his father's disappointment. His father would never believe it. Alan was a failure, and he didn't deserve for his father to pay him any attention or bring him to school. And yet, how he longed for it.

Alan had to crush down the white-hot lump of tears that had formed in the back of his throat, burning through his sinuses, as his father hugged him goodbye. He knew this semester would be worse than the last, he could just feel it. He wanted to stay home. He even asked his dad if he could be homeschooled, but his father thought he was being irresponsible, "No shortcuts, Alan, you know that."

That was all hours and hours ago. Since then, Brains had dropped Alan and Fermat off in their dorm room. Dr. Smith had been patrolling the dorms as parents dropped their students off. He had sent a predatory glare at Alan, and Alan felt sick to his stomach just thinking about the fact that tomorrow would be the start of a whole new semester of physics.

Alan heard the ring of the computer as his father tried to video call him, but he ignored it, turning over on the bed and letting the tears continue to fall.