Silence emanates throughout the whole temple as the scene sets into the minds of the two people present. It takes a bit, true, but the eventual consensus is undeniable. "You killed him," Jin Ling says. "Like, you just…sliced his head right off."

"It was an accident!" Lan Xichen protests, waving his sword helplessly at Jin Guangyao's (decapitated) body. Its head has rolled over to the fall wall where it finally stopped.

"How do you behead someone on accident?"

"It was a reflex—he just lunged and I swung—"

"You behead people enough for it to become a reflex?" Jin Ling demands, looking incredibly pale.

"I what? No, of course not!" Lan Xichen denies. "It just kind of…happened. I'm a Sect Leader! I'm a war veteran! When things jump at me, I attack them!"

"You behead them," Jin Ling corrects. He goes back to staring at Jin Guangyao's body. "You didn't even let him finish his villain monologue. All villains have monologues, you know—you sliced his head off in the middle of the word 'che'. Do you have any idea how many things 'che' could be? Now we'll never know!"

"Because he's dead," Lan Xichen agrees. Then, after a deeper breath, "Oh sweet Guanyin, he's dead. I killed him. I killed my sworn brother."

"Yeah, well, so did he, so he had it coming!" Jin Ling hisses. Lan Xichen turns to look at him with horrified eyes.

"That man is your uncle!"

"Yes, well, since he's an established brother-killer, he might have also killed my father!"

"We don't know that!"

"Yes!" Jin Ling says. "Because you beheaded him, mid-word, before he could finish his evil villain monologue!" He gestures wildly at the body. "As far as we know, he could have had my father killed! Or—I know we all agreed that he probably killed his son, but no one was really going to believe it until he admitted it, you know? Now what? What other crimes has he concealed? Maybe—maybe he's been poisoning me for the last fifteen years, but now we'll never know!"

"It's not like I wanted to do this!" Lan Xichen hisses. "It was an accident. We need to go get help—"

"Why are we here in the first place?" Jin Ling demands. "Why was he here? He's already married his sister and killed his son, what other desecration can he do now?"

"If we go get some others, then they'll be able to—"

"No," Jin Ling refuses. "No, he's right here, so we can ask him."

Lan Xichen stares. "Young Master Jin, I don't have a guqin on me so we cannot perform an Inquiry."

But Jin Ling is already walking away. "We're not performing and inquiry!" he yells. "And it's 'Sect Leader Jin' now!" And then, before Lan Xichen can make any further comments, Jin Ling scoops down and snatches up Jin Guangyao's head. Lan Xichen staggers backward.

"Put the head down!" he screeches.

"Not until I get answers!" Jin Ling replies. He then proceeds to shake the head, the very-much-not-attached-to-a-body head, and screams, "Wake up!"

Lo and behold, Jin Guangyao's eyes fly open. There is a second of horrified silence before Jin Guangyao says, "What do you want?"

Jin Ling drops the head, which lets out a resounding thud and a groan of agony. "That," he says, "is a talking head."

"Yes, I can see that," Lan Xichen replies vaguely. Then he rockets forward and grabs the head himself. "A-Yao, A-Yao, are you all right?"

"My head has been separated from the rest of my body, do I look all right?" Jin Guangyao demands. "Stop picking me up so much, you're making me dizzy."

Jin Ling calmly takes Jin Guangyao out of Lan Xichen's hands and proceeds to toss and catch him with one hand like he's a ball. "Oops," he says, "am I making you dizzy? Sorry."

"A-Ling, you let me—"

"You know, considering the fact that you killed my father—"

"Okay, you have no proof of that!" Jin Guangyao yells.

"Okay, well, considering the fact that you killed your father and your sworn brother, I believe I reserve the right to do with you whatever I want—and seeing as no one is going to stop me, I think I will do whatever I want."

"Second Brother, are you going to let him do this?" Jin Guangyao demands.

Lan Xichen stares. "I," he finally says, "will go sit down. Over there. Away from all of—" he waves at the headless body and the body-less head— "this."

And, just their luck, that is the exact moment the temple doors swing open. Su She marches in, Nie Huaisang whining pitifully in his death grip. "Lianfang-Zun, I—" It is approximately then that both Su She and Nie Huaisang locate Jin Guangyao's body, Jin Guangyao's head, and the mildly alarming amount of distance between the two. Su She opens his mouth.

Before a single word comes out, there is a bright flash of light, and yet another head is rolling across the temple floor, Nie Huaisang free to stare blankly at Jin Guangyao's body.

Jin Ling screeches, "You beheaded Sect Leader Su!"

"In my defense, I hate him!" Lan Xichen says. "It was bound to happen one of these days! It would either be me or my brother, and my brother has his own problems to worry about!"

"Like his boyfriend who's not really his boyfriend because they're both dense idiots?" Jin Guangyao offers.

Jin Ling frowns and tosses him again. "Shut up, you're not included in this conversation."

"Lianfang-Zun!" Su She's head calls. "Lianfang-Zun, what do I do?"

"Will someone tape his mouth shut?" Lan Xichen demands. "I can't listen to his voice, it gives me a headache."

"You're just jealous that I was right!" Su She cries. "That my MolingSu Sect is doing just fine, that we're using and expanding your precious Lan songs in ways that you never would!"

"Yes, well, they're our songs!"

"What gives your Sect the exclusive right to use something that could help people?"

"Now is not the time to debate the merits of intellectual property ownership," Jin Ling says.

"It's always the time to debate the merits of intellectual property ownership!" Jin Guangyao says. "A-Ling, have I taught you nothing?"

"No," he says, shrugging, "but you also taught me that murder is wrong, so please excuse me if I'm getting some mixed signals here."

"Will someone just shut them up?" Lan Xichen demands.

Nie Huaisang offers, "I have some cloth to gag them?"

"Perfect, do it."

It takes a while, but eventually, both Su She and Jin Guangyao are gagged and placed in the far corner of the room, along with their bodies. Finally, Jin Ling, dusting himself off, says, "So—I must repeat: why are we in a Guanyin Temple? Oh, also—" he turns to Lan Xichen— "you killed two men in a Guanyin Temple."

"Well," Nie Huaisang says lightly, "they seemed very alive to me."

"And you!" Jin Ling screeches. "You're the man who collapsed after I stabbed someone! How are you perfectly fine right now?" There is some silence resounding through the building…until Nie Huaisang's eyes roll up and he passes out. Jin Ling scoffs, kicking his body. "I'm fifteen, not an idiot!" he yells. "Get up!" He kicks again once it becomes clear that Nie Huaisang is not going to get up. "I could keep going, you know! When I'm done with you, you'll be so black and blue that you'll wish you were dead!"

"Young Master Jin, perhaps we should—"

"I told you, it's 'Sect Leader Jin', dammit!" Jin Ling gives the body one last kick before turning to walk away. He promptly trips right over—into the waiting hole. "Since when was there a hole in the floor?" he demands.

"Since always."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I'm sorry, I thought you would realize that there's a giant hole in the floor!" Lan Xichen yells. "What's in there, anyway? Desecrating a temple on top of incest and patricide—oh, A-Yao, what have you gotten yourself into?"

"Incest, patricide, and desecration of a temple," Jin Ling lists off easily. "But I thought—wait. Wait, Zewu-Jun, this is a casket. He buried something here! If we open it, then we'll know—"

"Actually, how about we don't?" Nie Huaisang asks from the floor.

Jin Ling claps. "Congratulations, you have miraculously woken up from unconsciousness at the exact moment you needed to. However, seeing as you've actually lied to us, and the fact that you are incredibly suspicious, I'm going to have to ignore you."

"Young Master—I mean, Sect Leader Jin, I don't think we should—"

And Jin Ling promptly opens the casket. All is well right up until Lan Xichen sees what's inside. "That—"

"Okay, Second Brother," Nie Huaisang says, scrambling to his feet and grabbing Lan Xichen's arm, "I need you to stay calm and listen to me."

"Huaisang that—I mean, I'm looking at it, and—it really seems like—"

"Yes, it is my brother's body," Nie Huaisang answers soothingly.

Jin Ling stares. "Did. Did I just lift the lid off of Chifeng-Zun's casket? Isn't he supposed to be a fierce corpse or something?"

Nie Mingjue's body rises. All watch in silence as it calmly climbs out of its body before making its way across the room, picks up Jin Guangyao's head, and starts rhythmically bouncing it off the wall. Jin Guangyao gives off a muffled scream, and Nie Mingjue keeps going.

"Huh," Jin Ling murmurs. "Well, that's certainly…something."

"Husiang," Lan Xichen says, "I watched his body be put in the Nie tomb—"

"Great place, by the way," Jin Ling says. "Had to say, the man-eating walls were very welcoming."

"—Huaisang, I personally had it put in the Nie tomb. I didn't do this, I swear!"

"I know you didn't," Nie Huaisang reassures. "I did."

"You did what?"

"Re-bury Chifeng-Zun's body, presumably," Jin Ling offers.

"Sect Leader Jin, can you please be quiet?" Nie Huaisang demands. Jin Ling makes a face at him but does shut up. "Good. Now, Second Brother—I put the body there. I just wanted to scare Third Brother. He killed my brother and I wanted him to pay!"

"So let me get this straight," Lan Xichen says. "After the Second Siege of the Burial Mounds, you immediately went to Qinghe, grabbed your brother's body, made it back to Yunmeng, and buried it in A-Yao's Guanyin Temple?"

"No," Nie Huaisang scoffs. "Don't be ridiculous—I did it beforehand."

"Oh, so you just did it for fun?"

"Well, you apparently behead people in your spare time, so…" Jin Ling points out.

"Quiet!" Nie Huaisang snaps before turning back to Lan Xichen. "Look, he is a murderer! I've known for a very long time and I just wanted him to pay, so I made sure that he paid! This was to make him confront his actions!"

"You've known for 'a while'?" Lan Xichen demands. "How long is 'a while'? A months? Two months?"

"Ah—ten."

"Ten months?!"

"Ten years."

Jin Ling immediately bursts out laughing. "Oh, oh wow—ten years! Aren't you supposed to be super close or something? Looks like you're just a big, fat liar, Sect Leader Nie!"

"You know, I liked you a lot more before you started kicking me."

"Yes, well, I am currently in a very traumatic situation and my preferred method of dealing with trauma is acting out, so deal with it!" Jin Ling kicks the casket. "What made you think my uncle would just dig up some random part of the floor in this godforsaken temple, anyway?"

"Ah, right—you see, he buried his mother here."

"His mother," Lan Xichen says flatly. "Huaisang—did you dig up his mother's casket, evacuate his mother's body from it, and then place your brother's body in instead?"

"…Maybe."

Lan Xichen scoffs. "'Maybe'? Oh, okay. Whatever, that's fine—just swell!" He walks up close. "You listen to me, Sect Leader Nie—you will tell me where Meng Shi's body is, and you will tell me right now, so that I can make sure the body of an innocent woman isn't further desecrated."

Nie Huaisang hesitates, bites his lip, and points at the floor a few paces away. "She's over there."

"Wonderful. I'm getting her back to her casket."

"Do you need help digging?" Jin Ling calls.

"No," Lan Xichen says, summoning Shuoyue, "I can handle this myself, thank you very much." And, just like that, they gain another hole, another casket, and a very dirty sword.

Jin Ling stares. "Will I be able to do that one day?"

"If you live long enough and practice hard enough," Lan Xichen says. "Now, help me get A-Yao's mother back into her casket."

"Are you still going to call him A-Yao? Even after everything he did to my brother? To us?" Nie Huaisang demands. "He's a murderer—you shouldn't hand him so much affection!"

"I have just learned that my sworn brother, whom I thought I failed, ended up dead because of my other sworn brother, whom I killed, because my sworn brother's brother set it all up," Lan Xichen hisses. "I have learned that my sworn brother's brother has desecrated the grave of my sworn brother's mother. I have learned that my sworn brother committed incest and patricide, and that he didn't even stay dead when I killed him." He leans in. "I have had to see the body of my sworn brother bounce the still-conscious body-less head of my other sworn brother up against a wall." Here, there is a brief pause to check back in on Nie Mingjue and JIn Guangyao. Nie Mingjue is still bouncing, and Jin Guangyao is still being bounced. Lan Xichen returns to the conversation. "Today has been terrible and if I have decided to not put conscious effort into not referring to someone I was once very dear to by the name I have called him since we met, then I would appreciate it if you would just shut up!"

"Oh wow," Jin Ling says, "that was quite a rant. I didn't realize you had it in you. It's always the nice ones."

"Be quiet and help!"

"Second Brother," Nie Huaisang says, "you have to understand—I did this for both of us. Sure, you believed some random street rat instead of the man you'd known for most of you life—"

"A-Yao saved my life! And you did the same thing, anyway!"

"—but I still care deeply about you!"

"You lied to me. You lied to me for a decade, and you expect me to think that you care about me?" Lan Xichen demands. "Just grab her damn arms."

Nie Huaisang does, but he still says, "Yes, I do! I defeated the man who killed our brother! Things will be easier from now on, I promise! Nothing else can get between us!"

Jin Ling squints at them both. "Are you two, you know, having sex together." There is a resounding silence. "Oh wow, you're actually having sex with each other."

"Who taught you that word, anyway?" Nie Huaisang demands. "Aren't you Lan Sizhui's age? Like, twelve or something?"

"Sizhui," Jin Ling says, "is nineteen. I am fifteen, almost sixteen. You are a terrible person." At the look on Nie Huaisang's face, he says, "I'm just saying."

"Well, you can keep your saying all to yourself." He turns back to Lan Xichen. "Second Brother, please—everything will be better now."

"Really, because I don't think I can trust you anymore. How do I know you're not faking our entire relationship?"

"I am not!" Nie Huaisang disputes. "I've barely lied about anything!"

"So you have lied about something?:

"Please, I—"

"No, no, tell me what you lied about."

"It's just small things. Like—your mouth does smell in the morning. It's natural, everyone's does! And yes, your tea is bland, and you hog the blanket, and that thing you do with the tongue isn't nearly as sexy as you think it is, and also this one time I accidentally cursed you and I didn't tell you, but it all turned out fine!" A pause. "Also, my favorite color is green, not blue."

Lan Xichen sighs deeply. "Okay, you see, this is the problem—"

"Just kiss and make up," Jin Ling calls.

"You mind your own business!" Nie Huaisang yells.

"The only business I've got to mind is yours!" Jin Ling calls back. "So either you both clear up your little domestic dispute or you continue to desecrate a dead body, but I don't want to listen to any more arguing."

Nie Huaisang turns his head. "Listen, I know you're like five and you don't understand these things—"

"I'm fifteen!"

"—but this is grown up talk, and grown ups need to talk these things out."

"What is there to talk about?" Lan Xichen demands. "You lied, you faked our entire relationship, end of story."

"Give me another shot," Nie Huaisang begs.

Lan Xichen sighs and finally sets Meng Shi's legs onto the floor, and just before he climbs out of the hole, he says, "And what should this second chance look like, exactly?"

Nie Huaisang smiles brightly. "The same as before, except I don't lie."

"And I need to just believe you?"

"Yes," Nie Huaisang says.

Lan Xichen stares at him blankly. "That's asking me quite a lot. Why does everyone like to ask me to do unreasonable and unhelpful things and expect me to just do them?"

"Because you're nice," Jin Ling says. "Nice people get screwed over. That's why I'm a brat."

"I thought I told you to shut up!" Nie Huaisang calls.

"Fine!"

"Huaisang, I'm not—I mean, I am a nice person—"

"No," Nie Huaisang says, "you're really not. You're just a forgiving one. So…forgive me one last time?"

There is a tense silence before Lan Xichen finally sighs. "Yes," he whispers. "I'll forgive you, Huaisang."

Jin Ling whoops and Nie Huaisang beams before leaning in, closing the distance between their lips. For that one moment, all is well.

Then the door bangs open, Fairy lets out a small bark, and a veritable army of cultivators is treated to the sight of Jin Ling and Lan Xichen in a hole, Lan Xichen and Nie Huaisang kissing over a very dead, very decomposing body, and Nie Mingjue's headless fierce corpse playing wall-ball with Jin Guangyao's body-less, very alive head. There is a silence.

Finally, Wei Wuxian smiles. "So, what'd we miss?"

A/N: this was originally posted on ao3 for xisang bingo 2021 back in february. here's the original authors note i posted it with:

"jksaljksdljkd i have no idea what i just wrote. this is more dialogue than actual content. hope you liked it anyway lol"

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