T/W - Panic attacks and thoughts of suicide

Blaise was the one that reported the news that was spreading through the train – Harry Potter had fainted because of the dementors. Where this statement was sure to have usually gotten a good laugh out of them all, instead there was yet another uncomfortable silence as all eyes turned to Cornelia before quickly darting away. She vowed to herself in that moment to never let her emotions run away with her in front of anyone again, she couldn't stand this pussyfooting around her.

This annoyance was cemented within her when they finally arrived at Hogwarts, stomachs growling and amongst the throng making their way to the Great Hall, when a familiar curt voice called across the entrance hall.

"Potter, Granger, Lestrange – to me please!"

Professor Mcgonagall was stood as prim and stern as ever upon the steps of the enormous staircase in the centre of the hall, her sharp bespectacled eyes upon Cornelia. Draco made as if to follow her, but she shooed him away, pushing him away to join Blaise and Theodore into the Great Hall.

Cornelia was quick to gather what was going on as soon as her name had been paired with Potter's, but judging by his confused expression it seemed he either hadn't heard the news of Cornelia's reaction to the dementors or he wasn't as quick on the uptake – either could have been possible. He and Hermione were eyeing Cornelia, and where there would usually be a look of dislike, something new had taken its place. Cornelia kept her expression neutral whilst her insides twisted furiously – was that pity in their eyes?

Mcgonagall led them up the staircase and into what Cornelia knew was her office, having spent plenty of time doing detention in it. She motioned for the three of them to take a seat in the three squishy armchairs that had suddenly appeared before her desk, and they all sat in unison, Cornelia pulling her chair further to the right away from Granger.

"Professor Lupin sent an owl to say you were both taken ill on the train Potter and Lestrange."

Well, one way or another the cat was out of the bag now. Harry and Hermione's eyes were upon her again, surprised and staring, but Cornelia kept her gaze ahead on Mcgonagall, imagining she was a brick wall and devoid of emotion. That was when Madam Pomfrey bustled into the room, and despite her best efforts Cornelia couldn't help the short sigh that escaped her. All this bother over nothing. If anything, the dementors had done her a favour as she remembered it! What was worse was that it would be fuelling the sympathy she was convinced had sparked in Harry and Hermione after watching the drama unfold on the platform earlier that day.

It seemed Harry was also unhappy about the fuss and he began to object, his face turning red. Not that it made any difference and Madam Pomfrey placed a hand against his forehead, claiming he was clammy. When she turned to tend to Cornelia, she flinched forcefully away from her hand and spat "Don't touch me!"

Madam Pomfrey recoiled a little in shock and Mcgonagall's voice was sharp and disapproving. "Sit still Cornelia!" It sounded so similar to something Aunt Cissy would tell her to do that any decision Cornelia was about to make was suddenly flung out of the window, and, as if like a puppet on a string, her body rejecting the command entirely.

She shot from her seat which fell back with a bang causing Potter and Granger to wince away from her and the noise. Madam Pomfrey took a couple of steps away from her, looking at her as if she had sprung two heads, but Professor Mcgonagall just sighed. "Are you going to cause trouble before term has even begun Miss Lestrange?"

After a few moments Cornelia regained control of her mind, glancing behind her at the mild destruction she had caused and feeling peculiarly disorientated. "I don't need examining." She spoke woodenly, staring defiantly at Mcgonagall who was observing her with a calculating gaze. She didn't know why but her body was screaming at her that it did not want to be touched, the very thought of it was making her already frayed nerves buzz anxiously. She quivered with it, feeling oddly lightweight as if she could simply jump in the air and not come back down… or like she could punch a hole through the stone walls of the office.

"Professor Lupin said –"

"I don't care! I'm telling you not. To. Touch. Me!" She growled.

Professor Mcgonagall and Madam Pomfrey exchanged meaningful glances and Pomfrey murmured "perhaps she's still in shock?"

"I AM NOT!" The scream tore from Cornelia, and within it all of her pent-up annoyance at how carefully the boys had been handling her since her 'panic attack', and her anxiety that that was how the rest of the students would be viewing her after Rosalind's performance on the platform, spilled into the words.

To her surprise, Mcgonagall didn't blow up in the face of her outburst and instead shook her head minutely at Madam Pomfrey, who was staring at her for guidance, only a faint crease between her brows indicating she had registered Cornelia's scream at all. Potter and Granger were also staring at her like she was completely insane and the whole situation was making her feel extremely claustrophobic.

"W-well. At the very least you both need some chocolate!" Madam Pomfrey huffed, obviously as confused by Mcgonagall's lack of punishment at Cornelia's behaviour as Cornelia herself.

"Professor Lupin already gave us some chocolate on the train." Harry said with quiet urgency, continuing to eye Cornelia nervously. It seemed he wanted to be away from her as soon as possible.

"Well it's about time we had a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher who knows his remedies!" Madam Pomfrey's voice was bright, as if she were attempting to lighten the mood; it fell flat however and a chilly silence spread through the otherwise warm room.

"Are you sure you're both okay?" Professor Mcgonagall finally asked, her voice strained. Harry nodded earnestly, but Cornelia just hung where she stood, feeling ever more humiliated by her extreme reaction to a simple medical examination. "Very well, kindly both wait outside whilst I have a word with Granger. We'll all go down to the feast together."

Looking like he'd swallowed an entire lemon, Harry stood up slowly and attempted to walk normally around Cornelia, although she noticed he kept to the outskirts of the room and gave her as wide a berth as possible. Cornelia swiftly turned on her heel and stalked after him. She had no intention of waiting around for Mcgonagall to go down to the feast, and Harry didn't say a word as she quickly sped away from him and Mcgonagall's office. He was probably glad he didn't have to share a corridor alone with her.

Now nerves were added to the swirling concoction of emotions inside her as she approached the imposing doors of the Great Hall, muffled voices sounding from behind them. She stood before them for a few moments, staring at the brass door handles and studying the grain of the dark wood, before she finally plucked the courage to grasp one of the handles and heave it open just wide enough to slide through as discreetly as possible. If she had known the password to the common room she would have skipped the feast altogether, even if her stomach was empty, and just headed straight to bed. As it was, it was either attend the feast or sit in the freezing cold of the dungeon corridors for a couple of hours.

A few heads turned in her direction despite her attempts at entering silently, their gazes burning holes in her, but she was incredibly relieved to find Draco and Theodore to be amongst them, having saved a spot for her closest to the door. She slid noiselessly between them, but even with them beside her she felt like an intruder in her own body, as if she didn't belong here or amongst them.

When Draco sought out her hand beneath the table, slipping his fingers through hers, it felt completely alien to her, and she gazed upon their clasped hands dully. He didn't look at her, but he held her hand right up until the food appeared before them, only to let go after a tight squeeze. Cornelia felt nothing.

It was a grim meal. Blaise was nowhere to be seen, apparently having decided to sit separately from them, but Cornelia didn't bring it up. Neither Draco nor Theodore asked about what Mcgonagall had wanted, and between all the avoided subjects that loomed over them, there wasn't much to say at all. Cornelia didn't feel as if she could speak around the brimming chaos within her combined with a peculiar numbing of reactions to her surroundings anyway.

The chaos didn't settle after a night's sleep, nor did it after several. Cornelia trailed after Draco like some kind of silent phantom, simultaneously feeling nothing and too much. She didn't engage in conversation, didn't laugh at jokes, and when Draco or Theodore inquired after her, she simply insisted she was fine, eventually wordlessly abandoning them if they pressed the matter.

After a couple of days, Theodore wasn't there waiting for her when she got up and didn't seek out her company afterwards. She acknowledged his absence with only a slight tugging at her heart, before quickly stifling the sharp sorrow that followed, pushing it into the writhing cloudy mess of everything else she was suppressing.

Draco tried his best to include her in conversations, but she had never been very interested in what he, Crabbe and Goyle spoke about anyway, and now was no exception. After a while he gave up, simply looking at her concernedly every now and then.

Cornelia didn't understand what was going on with her any more than Theodore or Draco. She wrapped herself up in the almost protective numbness that had descended on her that first night at Hogwarts, terrified that if she let its cover slip even for a second, then all of the turmoil inside her would spill out, just like it had on the train ride. It almost got the better of her multiple times a day. All it would take was what she deemed to be an odd look from someone, or to be interrogated too intensely by Draco, and her heart would hiccup and searing panic would tear through her. In moments like that she would either remove herself quickly from the room and retreat to a bathroom cubicle or her dormitory if it was close enough and hold her breath until she felt lightheaded enough for the feeling to subside.

She felt completely out of control.

In her numbness she didn't have the energy to engage in lessons at all, never mind create disturbances. Maybe it was out of relief that she was keeping herself to herself, or maybe they too had heard about the suspected abuse she suffered, but none of the Professor's had brought up her lack of enthusiasm, nor did they mention her silent exits that happened every now and then in the middle of class.

It was all going quite smoothly, and Cornelia was almost pleased at the tight lid she was managing to keep on everything when something happened to shatter all of her hard work.

Cornelia had picked the same elective lessons as Draco for their third year which were Care of Magical Creatures and Study of Ancient Runes. It was their first Care of Magical Creatures class with Hagrid replacing the old Professor Grubbly-Plank, and Cornelia walked just behind Draco and Crabbe and Goyle as they made their way down to Hagrid's hut. The waning summer seemed to be in its final throws, and the day was comfortably warm. It was clear most of the students were happy to be out in it and the noise and chatter about them was cheerful. Cornelia thought the sensation of the sun on her skin was pleasant enough, all of them having ditched their robes and rolling up the sleeves of their school uniform, but she didn't join in with the chatter, and Draco didn't attempt to engage her.

He was currently speaking loudly enough so that Harry Potter, who was a few yards in front, could hear him degrade Hagrid and predict a disastrous first lesson. Cornelia barely registered what he was saying. She had been listening less and less to Draco as she wandered around the castle with him, and where his spiteful and boastful words would have usually had her squirming, they had no effect upon her now. Neither did she feel the urge to constantly be on the lookout for danger for him. She just melted into the background, safely invisible.

As it turned out, the lesson was a disaster, but Hagrid wasn't as terrible a teacher as Draco tried to make out. When he had a led a Hippogriff into a small yard before them all, even Cornelia's interest had been piqued. She, along with the rest of the students, admired the beasts glistening feathers, razor sharp pointed beak and intelligent, staring eyes. For a moment she almost forgot about her inner turmoil as Hagrid explained how to act around a Hippogriff and eventually called upon a volunteer. Harry stepped forward and Draco, who had been murmuring lowly to Crabbe and Goyle the entire time, finally shut up and turned to watch Harry approach the Hippogriff.

Despite herself, she felt a little nervous as Harry exposed the back of his neck to the enormous and lethal looking creature, it was the first true reaction she had had to anything in days. Still, she wasn't sure if she wanted to see a student be ripped to shreds before her eyes, no matter who they were.

With a collective ripple of relief, the hippogriff bowed its head in response to Harry, who slowly straightened back up. Then, extraordinarily, Hagrid claimed that Harry could ride Buckbeak, and lifted him as if he were naught but a toddler and swung him on to the creature's back.

Cornelia thought it was incredible when Buckbeak rose with powerful elegance into the air, expanding his huge wings and soaring seemingly weightlessly around the paddock, and it really was as if her troubles were forgotten then. Especially when it came to their turn to approach Buckbeak in a small group.

She remained with Draco and his cronies, stepping eagerly in front of them. Draco seemed to notice the burning enthusiasm in her eyes and stepped obediently back, allowing her to take the first try at bowing, watching her curiously.

Cornelia made eye contact with Buckbeak easily, much easier than she had with any humans lately, and his dark eyes seemed to probe through her mind. It was as if they could see everything and were unjudgmental about what they found. It was calming. She slowly took a deep bow, watching the Hippogriffs legs to see any indication that he had returned her bow. To Cornelia's excitement, he did! She rose and cautiously approached, extending her hand which she was desperate to bury in those thick feathers.

The feel of the sturdy and stoic creature beneath her fingertips was unlike anything she had experienced before, and the calm she had sensed in Buckbeak's eyes washed over her. She felt as if nothing else existed in that moment other than her and Buckbeak and she could have cried in relief at the respite from the chaos that had resided within her lately.

She barely noticed when Draco stepped forward and swept into a bow of his own, she was too absorbed in taking in the texture of Buckbeak's feathers, they were grey flecked with dark hues of navy, and soaking up his comforting gaze. Only when he dipped his head into a smaller version of Draco's bow did she notice Draco was there at all.

Draco stepped up to the other side of Buckbeak and began trailing his own hand down his neck, glancing over his back at Cornelia. She met his eyes and they shared a small smile, the first one in days and which felt unusual upon her face.

The blissful moment was broken when Draco turned his head and caught sight of Harry across the paddock, and never one to waste an opportunity, drawled "This is very easy, I knew it must have been if Potter could do it." He turned back as if he were conversing with Cornelia, but she had returned her attention to Buckbeak and had zoned out from his voice as soon as she realised what he was doing. "I bet you're not dangerous at all are you? Are you, you great, ugly brute?"

Cornelia had just opened her mouth to snap at him to shut up, his insult of Buckbeak finally striking a chord within her, but her reactions were slower than Buckbeak's himself.

In what seemed like slow motion, Buckbeak raised himself up onto his back legs, the muscles in his neck flexing beneath Cornelia's hand, and brought his front, incredibly sharp talons down upon Draco. Cornelia's mouth opened into a silent scream and she staggered backwards as Draco dropped to the floor, clutching his arm, blood already staining his white shirt.

Then it was back. As if with the impact of Draco's body on the floor, the chaos roared to the surface within her. She watched motionless as Draco writhed on the floor, replaying the moment Buckbeak had attacked him a hundred times a second in her mind. She had been stood right there, she had literally been touching Buckbeak as it happened. She should have stopped it!

These thoughts pinned her in place as Hagrid lifted Draco into his arms and carried him away up to the castle, calling over his shoulder that class was dismissed. She could hear his whimpers as loudly in her ears as if he were still on the ground right there in front of her.

Students were looking curiously at her now, considering her frozen stance and aghast expression, and their gazes snapped Cornelia back into focus. There was nothing between the chaos and the outside world now, her cloak of numbness had been stripped back by Buckbeak. She needed to get out of here right now, she was going to explode. Every thought of Draco was replaced with an urgency to find a private space, her mind now on the furious swirling pandemonium within her, clawing to get out.

She turned and stalked in the opposite direction from the castle, where the other students were heading, and further into the forest. Even in the glorious sunlight, the forest darkened the deeper she got. Sobs were choking unbidden to her lips, and no matter how she tried to keep them in, they escaped with alarming ease. Finally, she got to a point where she knew she couldn't stop it any longer and took a deep, ragged breath. With the exhale it all came tumbling out of her.

She sank to her knees and sobbed as quietly as she could, but she couldn't do anything to prevent the odd screeching wail escaping her lips. She wasn't in control anymore, the chaos was, and it tore through her veins rapidly, her arms thrashing out at random with the power of it. The act of pushing it away, suffocating the mayhem she felt inside with such force made its release even more fierce, it completely overcame her.

She had lost all sense of what she was upset about now, all she knew was that she hated herself, she wanted the pain to stop, she wanted everything to stop. Her whole life was one miserable chapter after another and all she did was leave pain and destruction in her wake. She was useless and pathetic. Lucius and Narcissa could do whatever they wanted with her and now this wild burning inside her could do whatever it wanted with her. She had no say even in what her body did anymore. She wanted to die.

It seemed to be the conclusion that the chaos had wanted her to come to, and now it repeated the thought with every lap it did of her body, increasing the finality of the statement tenfold with every second that passed.

Despite everything, she fought against the despair that stripped her even of her will to live, and her arms which had previously just been flailing into the ground changed their trajectory; she slammed her palms hard into her head, and then her fists. She wanted to beat the thought from her mind, but something about the dull pain of the impact both satisfied and encouraged the chaos, and she steadily increased the force behind each blow.

She was just about to aim another punch to her head when an ear-piercing bark cut through the motion, and she fell back to the ground with a scream. Her eyes snapped open and she scanned the area for the source of the noise. There in the gloom of the shadows, a pair of glowing eyes stared out at her. As she blinked furiously, scrambling to her knees and trying to focus in on whatever it was, she just made out the shape of a huge, hulking black wolf.

Amidst her broken pattern of breathing, she managed to gasp and tried to struggle to her feet. The world spun dangerously around her, and her knees knocked together with the effort, but she managed to stand, clutching the tree beside her for support, her eyes never leaving the wolf.

Her face was burning an angry crimson, her cheeks wet with tears and her nose running freely, but the instinctual reaction to danger had swept the mania cleanly from her body, and she was left gripped in a new, very real terror.

She didn't move a muscle, although tremors still ran up and down her body, and she struggled to quiet her breathing as she gaped at the wolf. She knew she couldn't run, she wouldn't be able to outrun it at the best of times, and all that was left to do was to enter a staring match where she silently pleaded with the wolf to not attack her.

To her incredible relief and astonishment, the wolf observed her for a few moments, and then slowly turned its back on her and disappeared into the trees.

After a few minutes of straining to hear even the slightest noise, Cornelia finally moved herself, taking a deep shaky breath and wiping her face on her sleeve. Her whole body was still shaking, but there was a new emptiness there where the chaos usually lived. She felt more alive than she had for a long time, and despite the loop of destructive thoughts her panic attack had put in her mind, she was glad to be alive.

This new realisation flushed through Cornelia, and she felt kind of insane as uncontrollable laughter bubbled out of her where the sobs had been just moments earlier. She was a mess, her mood fluctuating with almost nauseating speed and her mind reeling in the aftermath, clamouring to keep up. It was frightening and unpredictable, but right now all Cornelia could do was laugh.

She laughed until it hurt, fresh tears cascading down her face. She felt like she might throw up.

It was then that another thought spiked through her mind, a memory. Draco. Her laughter died a quick death on her lips and she staggered forward. She needed to get back to the castle immediately!

Well that was a bit of a rough ride! I am really feeling for Cornelia right now and it seems a lot of you are too. She is hurting bad. She's struggling and needs someone to see that, understand and offer gentle guidance. Don't worry - it is coming.

So as you might have guessed that WAS Sirius who interrupted that extremely destructive panic attack! He might not have recognised her at first, but I am imagining that as soon as Cornelia stood up, Sirius will have recognised her. She is practically the spitting image of her mother. I wonder what would have gone through his mind in that moment?

Anyways I am truly looking forward to writing these next few chapters, it feels like we're really getting into Cornelia's story now (chapter 20 baby!).

Until next time.