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Chapter 12
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Hermione finally returned to Severus's quarters, subdued but still thirsty. No amount of meditation done while gazing at the moon could seem to quell her desire for him. She wondered if it was truly that she was ready or that the Mediwitch had specifically told them not to.
She found him sitting by the fire drinking tea, and fixed herself a cup and joined him.
They sat in silence staring at the fire. Every once in a while one would look at the other for a long moment, but no words were spoken.
Hermione finally stood up and stretched. "I'm going to go to bed, in my own quarters. I opened up the connection between our apartments from your end, so you can reach me if you need something." She bent down and kissed him on the cheek. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Hermione."
He had grabbed her hand as she had kissed his cheek and as she walked away he let it drop. Alone with his thoughts, he stared at the fire and wondered if she truly was ready or if being told that they couldn't make love was what made her want it so badly.
After that night, her frantic need for him did cool down.
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The Ministry had begun receiving complaints that there was no potioneer available in Hogsmeade or the surrounding magical villages following the shutdown of Jigger's apothecary.
One week after Severus had received the Dragon's Blood tree potion, he received an owl from the Ministry. The Headmistress brought it down to him. Hermione could see the dread on his face as he opened it and she was reminded that he had narrowly avoided prosecution following Dumbledore's death.
What the correspondence contained was a request for him to assume all the potioneering needs for Hogsmeade and the surrounding areas.
He penned a response back that in two weeks' time, he and his apprentice would be happy to do so.
Because there was nobody to take his place, potions classes were cancelled for the whole week. Posted on the door was essay assignments for each year of students to complete and turn in the following Monday.
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The following week passed quickly. The day before Severus was set to resume teaching, Madame Pomfrey came to his quarters and gave him a check up. His heart was found to be at 100% functioning.
As the Mediwitch was preparing to floo back to the infirmary, he handed her several pieces of correspondence. In a whisper, he asked her to send them via owl without Hermione knowing. She glanced down at their contents and at the door open to his office, where the sound of chopping could be heard, then smiled and agreed. She raised her eyebrows and pointed to her ring finger. He nodded and put a finger over his lips. As she stepped into the fireplace, she gave him a thumbs up and put a finger over her own lips.
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The day Professor Snape was to resume classes, he ate in the Great Hall for the first time in over two weeks. As he entered and walked up to the Head Table, Slytherin House all stood and clapped for him. After a moment, the other three houses also stood and clapped. He realized how much he had actually missed teaching when he opened the door for his first class of the day. The students were exceptionally well behaved, which he knew wouldn't last.
Orders began coming in by owl for potions from the surrounding magical communities. A tiny owlery was set up outside the office window. Hermione kept busy on most days with filling orders.
Most orders she delivered by owl, whenever possible. If a large order needed delivery, she brought Severus with her.
She had made that policy after a creepy old man had refused to allow her to leave after a delivery. He had pushed her against a wall, groping and kissing her, but she threw stupefy and incarcerous hexes on him and apparated.
After the potion delivery incident, Hermione had another nightmare. Having been awakened by her screams, Severus came into her apartment and called her name from the doorway to wake her up, then brought her to his quarters and made her tea.
She spent half a day under the green blanket on Severus's couch. But duty called, so she forced herself up and brewed a batch of Skelegrow and four cauldrons of Bloodbuilder for the infirmary. She started taking the PT brew again after that.
Quidditch had restarted, so the many injuries associated with it were keeping her busy, as well as Luna and Madame Pomfrey.
Her evenings were spent either relaxing with Severus on his couch, or brewing while he graded essays.
He received answers back from the secret owls he had sent. The answers always came to the main school owlery and were delivered by Professor McGonagall before or after his classes when Hermione was not nearby. One had a tiny box attached to it, and the Headmistress gave him a knowing smile when she handed it to him.
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In the middle of May, the shit hit the fan as the muggles would say. Or maybe it was more like another muggle saying, she dropped her baskets. Lost her marbles. Lost her shit. Snapped. Went mad.
It was right around a year since the day at the Manor.
Hermione had another nightmare of the attack, only in her dream Severus had been one of her attackers. She'd stormed through the connection between their apartments, screaming at him.
He'd jumped up out of bed and raised his hands as he'd backed up to a wall. She'd advanced on him, punching, kicking and screaming that he'd been there and been part of the rape. With much difficulty, he'd managed to accio the Draught of Peace, pin her down and pour it down her throat. Then he'd carried her over his shoulder to her bedroom, placed her on her bed then floo called Poppy from his own fireplace. She screamed and punched his back the whole way.
Unlike how it usually affected her, the Draught hadn't caused her to go to sleep. She was still screaming as he hurried out and then she started destroying her quarters. She punched her mirror, tore down the shower curtain, broke cups and dishes and threw many of her prized books into the fire.
Professor McGonagall, Luna and Madame Pomfrey had rushed down via the potions office floo. They could hear her screaming and items breaking. Bruises and scratches were beginning to show on the Potions Master's face.
Because she had attacked a staff member and destroyed property, she was being sent to St. Mungo's.
Nobody entered her quarters until the St. Mungo paramedics arrived. While they waited, they could hear her screaming and objects breaking.
It had taken an incarcerous spell and a vial of Draught of the Living Death to finally subdue her enough for magical paramedics to transport her.
A healer soon floo called Poppy for a medical history after her arrival. She immediately summoned Severus to take over, knowing he knew her better than anyone else. He had no choice but to tell them about Hermione's torture and her rape under the Imperious curse. He also told them of the abortion, her near suicide attempt, the severe depressive episodes when she didn't leave his couch for days, her panic attacks and Imperious flashbacks. He also shared with them her recent sexual assault by a potions customer and the harassment by the Slug.
It felt wrong to him to break her confidence in so many ways, but it was necessary to enable the healers to help her. When he had finally closed the connection, he turned to see Poppy, Luna and Professor McGonagall were all in tears. He demanded a wand oath of secrecy from them.
It crossed his mind that Rita Skeeter could catch wind of Hermione's circumstances, but the Headmistress assured him the nosy reporter had been obliviated completely and sent to the US by the Minister.
The healers kept her sedated for twelve hours after her arrival to the Janis Thickey Ward. When they gave her Wiggenweld potion and woke her up, she started fighting and screaming that they were all Death Eaters, so they were forced to sedate her again.
One day after her arrival, they attempted it again. She attacked a healer, insisting they were Voldemort.
The problem with the Draught, as it was referred to in the JT Ward, was that it didn't actually prevent nightmares. It just induced a very deep sleep. While sedated under it and unable to wake, Hermione had one that kept repeating with slight variations.
She was in the Manor again, naked and trapped in their dungeon. Voldemort was twirling his wand as he slowly paced in a circle around her, leering at her with that sick smile. She started having abdominal pain that became more intense until she felt the urge to push and finally gave birth.
Each time the dream repeated, the child looked different. First it looked like a Malfoy, then like Yaxley, then like Dolohov, then like the Lestrange brothers', then like the long haired snatcher Scabior, and on and on it went. Each time, the bald cunt killed the child in front of her soon after it was born.
Three more times over the next two days, they attempted to take her off the Draught but were unable due to her symptoms of psychosis. They consulted with Poppy and Severus to find out what worked for Hermione when she had the Imperious flashbacks. Severus flooed over with vials of his PT brew concoction and suggested they give her two vials before waking her up.
After giving these to her with Draught of Peace, followed by the Wiggenweld, she was able to be awakened without screaming or immediately becoming violent.
He had warned them that she may be mute when she wakes up, and she indeed was for four days.
Severus had attempted to visit her during the period of mutism, but she angrily pointed at the door and began throwing objects at him, so he left.
He'd silently walked out with his head down, heartbroken, the engagement ring he'd secretly purchased burning a hole in his robe pocket. He drank through two bottles of whiskey while she was hospitalized and barely ate. He went through the motions of teaching, taking away dozens of points from every house including Slytherin. He kept up with orders and infirmary needs, but his heart wasn't in it. His heart was in London with her.
Only Severus, the Headmistress, Hagrid, Luna and Madame Pomfrey knew the nature of her illness. Everyone else was told she'd been injured in a cauldron explosion, severely enough to warrant admission to St. Mungo's. Hagrid was told the truth because he had been close to the golden trio ever since their first year.
After she regained the ability to speak, intensive therapy with mind healers began. She was still delusional at first, but it improved with frequent doses of Draught of Peace and PT brew, with Dreamless Sleep at night.
Hermione was finally discharged back to Hogwarts after three weeks. Hagrid transported her back to the school in his motorcycle.
When she returned, she sequestered herself in her quarters for five days and allowed only house elves in.
St. Mungo's called it a psychotic break brought on by trauma and intense Imperious flashbacks. She called it weakness, an embarrassment, and scolded herself for not being stronger. After learning what she had been through, from her and initially from Severus, the mind healers had told her it was a miracle she hadn't broken down so severely much sooner.
The thought of facing the other staff made her cringe, but the idea of facing Severus brought her to tears. While talking through the rape with the mind healers, she had finally believed he truly was not there that day. Her mind was playing tricks on her.
It was an unlikely visitor who had finally convinced her to let him in and coaxed her out of her quarters.
Hagrid.
He'd knocked on her door, bearing a big bag of chocolate frogs and a cup of Butterbeer from Madame Rosmerta. Hermione had let him in, the first time she'd opened her door or responded to any human with something other than "go away". The elves had gotten more words out of her but not by much.
"We've been missing you out there, Hermione. That end of the head tables isn't the same without you."
"I can't go back out there, Hagrid. Everybody knows I lost my mind. I'm so embarrassed."
"No, come on now there Hermione. Nobody knows but Severus, Poppy, Luna, Minerva and myself. Everyone else thinks you were injured by an exploding cauldron. We all love you and we're glad you're better. Sit down and drink your Butterbeer. Eat a couple of the chocolate frogs, you'll feel better."
"What about Severus? I screamed at him and told him I hated him. I punched and scratched him and nailed my knee into his bollocks. He probably hates me." She put her hands over her face and tears ran down her cheeks.
"Do you still love him?"
She pulled her hands away. "Yes, I do. Very much."
"I think he still loves you. He hasn't been the same since this happened."
"Do you think he even wants to see me? I guess I wouldn't blame him if he didn't."
"I think he would be very happy to see you."
After he left, Hermione took her first shower since her arrival home. The elves had repaired the damage she had inflicted on her furniture, dishes and mirror. They couldn't salvage the burned books, however. Fortunately, her apprentice level potions manual had been safely in the office.
Outside her apartment door she found firecrackers and color changing candy from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes with encouraging notes from Ginny, George and Bill. Next to that was a daisy charmed to never wilt from Neville. Luna had left a cake made of nuts and fruit, along with a few issues of the Quibbler. Arthur and Molly had sent her a book. The Snake Charmer had left her a little pouch he'd made out of snake skin, from a snake conjured and then killed and processed while she was gone.
After she dressed and dried her hair and tamed it into a ponytail, she gathered her courage and knocked on the door between their quarters.
After a few moments, he opened it and quietly let her in. He sat down in his chair, so she sat down opposite him.
After pouring them both a half glass of whiskey, he handed her one then sat looking at her silently.
After taking two sips to gather her courage again, she finally spoke.
"Severus, I am so incredibly sorry for everything I said and did. Will you please forgive me?"
"I forgive you, Hermione. I just don't want you to be scared of me. I want you to be comfortable."
She noticed he seemed to be on guard. "Are you worried I'll attack you again?"
He swallowed hard and his Adam's apple bobbed. She noticed he looked thinner than his usual.
"You are worried I'll attack you again. I'd love to sit here and promise you I'll never lose it like that again, but I don't know that. I never thought it would happen the first time."
"It's not an attack that has me on guard. It's the idea of you rejecting me. I'd fallen in love with Lily, and she rejected me. I never thought I'd love anyone again, but then you returned to my life and I fell so hard for you. When you threw me out of your hospital room, it felt like the same rejection all over again. I thought for sure I had lost you."
It wasn't like him to be so open with his feelings, but he was sure it was the whiskey loosening him up. Every night since her breakdown had ended with him imbibing to drown his sorrows by the fire. He thought of how his father had spent every night at the bar when he was growing up and hoped he wasn't becoming him.
Hermione's voice cut through his dark thoughts. "Are you angry with me, Severus?"
"No. Merlin, no. I'm not angry. I'm just hurt, I guess. Even though I know you didn't mean it."
"I still love you. I never stopped, even though I said I hated you."
"I love you too, Hermione."
Severus looked at her for a long moment, then finally spoke. "So is Healer Alphonsus still working there? Or Healer Georgina?"
"Yes, how do you know both of them?"
"August 1981. I spent a month there because I lost it after Lily died."
"You did?"
"You're not the only one who's been there."
She walked to his chair and sat down on his lap, laying her head on his shoulder and wrapping her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. They sat like this for a long while, and Hermione finally fell asleep. Soon after, so did he. She skipped the nightly dose of Dreamless Sleep that night and had no nightmares as she slept in Severus's arms on his chair.
The next morning, Hermione resumed her apprentice duties with a renewed passion. She had forgotten how much she loved brewing potions. That evening, Severus graded essays while she worked on orders. It felt so good to her to resume their old routine. Even the days that she never left the office from dawn until after midnight filled her with happiness.
They were providing St. Mungo's with two potions now, Dragon's Tail and PT brew. Requests for Hermione's specialized wound cleanser arrived thanks to Hagrid telling a few people about it in Diagon Alley.
They resumed their old routine of going to The Three Broomsticks every Friday night. Madame Rosmerta was happy to see them again and remembered their regular drinks.
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It's shorter than my other chapters, but I ended this one at a good stopping point before the story jumps ahead several months. I've already started the next one.
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