Chapter 4

The next day at school was solemn. The questions of concern trickled to a stop quickly as I went from classroom to classroom, the mood solemn at the news of Tyler's death. Yet, as I walked into the lunch room, I could still only think of Edward and where he was in the vicinity. I'd laid awake for hours longer than I should have after going to bed the night before. Partly because Charlie checked to make sure I hadn't fallen into an undetected-concussion induced coma every half-hour. Mainly though, I was worried that there would be a sudden epiphany I might miss in my sleep. I shouldn't have worried, because when I did fall asleep, all I dreamed about was Edward. His eyes, his car, and where I knew I'd remembered him standing last before I was pushed into the floor.

My steps faltered as my eyes landed on his, staring at me from his usual spot with his family. I quickly recovered as I fixed my expression into an incredulous one, knowing he would understand my wordless demand for answers. He shook his head in an almost indiscernible in response, and looked away, anywhere but back at me. I followed Jessica, Lauren and Angela to our table (it was notably strange to me now that I usually thought of it as "ours" without a second thought.) In the silent exchange between Edward and me, I'd missed the beginning of their conversation.

"We'd need at least 50," Jessica is saying, and looks at me. Embarrassed that I have no of what they're talking about, my eyes dart from face to face searching for a hint of an answer.

I'm saved by Angela. "That's probably right, maybe 100 candles to be safe," she graciously intervened. "I'm not really sure how many people are coming to the vigil."

Oh. Right. Tyler's friends (which was supposed to include me, I remembered,) were putting together a candlelight memorial for him at La Push beach. I was expected to be there. I wanted to be. Every time someone said his name the guilt washed through me over and over again. Survivor's guilt, is what Google called it when I took to the internet to explain my feelings.

"Oh yeah, we should get plenty," I finally said, "is there anything else I can do?" I asked, feigning concern to cover up my previous confusion. Angela shrugged.

"We're going to Port Angeles to get enough stuff, have fliers made, that kind of thing," she said."You could come with us?" her head tilted in her soft request. Lauren's face twisted in annoyance.

"What does it matter? YOU barely knew him," she says, jabbing a pointed finger in towards me. "And you're not exactly a casualty in all of this." Lauren waves an exasperated hand in the air, before it drops to the table. I blinked in surprise, the guilt I'd been feeling on and off all day suddenly hitting me square in the chest, as if it had been lasered from Lauren's perfectly manicured finger.

"I- I mean, I um-" I stuttered and cursed myself internally for it, while Angela proves herself a hero again.

"Lauren," her soft voice cuts off my incoherency, "that isn't fair. Just because she didn't know him for as long doesn't mean it doesn't effect her. You knew him." She directs the last sentence towards me reassuringly. I pay her back with a small smile, my cheeks burning.

"I'd love to go, i'll help any way I can." I nodded quickly. We all kind of stared at each other then, not knowing what to say, Lauren had sank back down into her chair, her knuckles pressed against her mouth.

"Well...Great." said Angela, breaking the silence. "Jessica and I are going this Saturday. I can pick you up?" I nodded in response, biting my lip as the tension was broken a little.

The bell rings just in time for me to nod awkwardly again towards Angela. As soon as I do, I remember what had been consuming my every waking thought. I hurriedly got up from my place and darted out of the cafeteria, and when I walk through the door I made a beeline for our table. Edward is purposely not meeting my gaze, and I am taken aback once again by just how still he can be with no obvious effort. He is a statue of a man, his jaw set determinedly. I drop my books vehemently onto the table, and Edward doesn't even flinch. I sit, having not taken my eyes off of his perfectly unblemished face.

"Are you going to tell me how you got to me so fast?" the words fall out of my mouth with a thud between us. Finally the statue cracks, his shoulders falling and his head turning loftily, in an exaggeratedly relaxed way. He raises an eyebrow to accompany the practiced side smile that now painted his face.

"I don't know what you mean." The lie attempts to disperse my question, tries to put it into nothingness. I plant my feet firmly on the ground, setting my own jaw.

"Yes. You do. I saw where you were. Alice was right next to you, far away from me. . Then you were right next to me," I lower my my voice when I notice Edward's eyes darting back and forth around the room. "I just want to understand. You saved me. I would be just like Tyler if-" i'm cut off when I notice his unexpected flinch at the mention of Tyler. He takes advantage of the sudden silence.

"You hit your head pretty hard. Are you sure you're alright?" he asks, both eyebrows raised now in an expression that I can only perceive as mocking. I scoff.

"Well, unless you think your own father's a quack, I'm willing to bet that i'm just fine." I shoot back. Shock registers in his eyes just before he does the most unexpected thing I've seen from him yet: He laughs. As he does, he leans in, his voice low to match mine.

"No one," he says, "will ever believe you." and his smile is gone, his eyes are dark again, but there's a sense of desperation in them i've never seen before.

"I-..I don't." I lean back a bit, careful not to drop his gaze. It's the longest he's maintained eye contact with me. "I'm not going to tell anyone." I breathe. Surprise breaks through the distress in his expression, and I know I've said the right thing. "I just..want answers." I finish, ,and finally drop my eyes from his, hoping the relenting motion will put him at ease.

There's a long pause, before I have another idea. A different approach. I need to spend as much time I can with him. I wasn't lying, I did want answers. "Are you...going to the vigil?"

Edward's eyebrows push together, "The vigil? Tyler's?" he says Tyler's name as if it gets stuck in his throat. I nod, a little quickly, and am slightly surprised that I genuinely hope he says yes. "Where is it?" he asks, and I bite back a smile.

"Some of us are going to Port Angeles for candles and things, and then the ceremony is at La Push the next day. I think Tyler loved surfing there? Or whale watching...I'm not sure which." The stone of guilt grows larger in my stomach at my ignorance. Edward is looking down at his hands now.

"Ah, No. I um..My family and I have other plans that day. Unfortunately." He tacks on the last word almost as an afterthought of his regret. I nod again, concerned that I'm starting to look like a bobble head with all the nodding. I move to face my entire torso towards him, to say it was okay, try a different invite to somewhere else maybe, but we are interrupted as Mr. Banner clears his throat and the lesson begins.

It's almost the end of the period before I realize I never told him what day the vigil was.