I know! I said I'll update every four days but as you read on OMC's chapter 35 my life is a roller coaster right now!
Anyways... here it is!
Thank you sooo much for your review! I'm so glad so many people is giving my vamp story a try!
Special thanks to Lisopera for pre-reading and Cattinson for her awesome betta skills!
SM own everything!
Chapter 4: A Quiet Mind
"A Quiet Mind" – Blue October
Give me strength to be kind... To combine
All the good things in life that were so hard to find
But I have and I won't let them go like I do with my friends
Still bearing voices... From front... From behind
They're the reasons I choose... When to live... How to die
When to cast... When to reel
When to buy... When to steal
When to fiend for the friends that taught me
Being inappropriate will
"Are you Ok?"
…
…
…
"You think she'll like it?" I ask instead, he knows how I feel.
"I think so… it's pink so… girl's like pink, right?" Jasper says and I continue staring at nothing in particular.
…
…
…
"I'm sorry Edward…"
"Stop… this is all my fault."
"If I hadn't lost it… you wouldn't have left, and Bella would be here with… with your dau-"
"Stop." I cut him off again.
I close my eyes in an attempt to sooth the ever present pain which becomes a thousand times worse every time someone mentions them, Jasper feels it and tries to help me.
"Don't do it, I deserve the pain." I spat when I sense the calming waves.
"Then stop blaming yourself, I mean… what you did was wrong but… it was still my fault you left…"
"No it wasn't… what you did was expected… natural even, we are what we are but what I did? That was cruel… you acted on instinct and I deliberately took a decision, I shouldn't have left like that."
…
…
…
"Can I ask what happened that night? If it wasn't me… then why did you left?"
"You already know the answer… I'm a monster… she didn't belong with me." I say, hating myself as always.
"But she was your mate, wh-" He starts, but I stop him again.
"Jasper, I know you mean well but I want to be alone." I say dismissing him. I don't want to talk to anyone, much less about that night as I'm ashamed of myself.
"I'm sorry… I know the rest are mad but… if you need someone…"
I nod.
"Thanks, but I don't deserve anyone's compassion."
He left me alone after that.
I step into the room and look around me. Esme, Alice and Rosalie did a beautiful job with it, but I'm still afraid she won't like it.
I'm afraid she won't like me, I'm afraid of everything… I'm at a loss of what to do. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation, I'm confused, I don't know how to feel about her, I mean… I'm curious about her obviously and I know there's this pull, this feeling of need I feel to see her to see this little miracle but that doesn't take the fear away. I fear of failing, of disappointing her… sometimes I don't know if I can do this without her… also, I know it's not fair.
My angel should be here too.
Alice isn't talking to me, and Emmet is not better. He apologized afterwards for reacting the way he did, but I know he's still disappointed in me. Everyone is disappointed in me I hear it on their thoughts. Rosalie is not even attempting to hide them from me, and even though her thoughts are the harsher ones calling me names in different languages, they are vague as she immediately immersed herself at the task of preparing the house for Elizabeth's arrival. The whole house has been a ruckus since Mark left, coming and going with things, special deliveries were made with special payments for immediate shipping. At some point Rosalie and Alice broke into a serious fight over some headboard and curtains and Carlisle had to intervene so they wouldn't rip their heads off.
As for me?
I watched from afar.
Esme tried to engage me in some of the decisions but I told her it was fine. Besides I knew my requests would be ignored and I didn't want to ruin Rose's and Alice's fun and I was still struggling with the idea… of accepting what was happening. I couldn't concentrate on shades of pink and fluffy pillows in different sizes. Everything was happening so fast it was so surreal.
Elizabeth.
I couldn't even think of the D word, much less that she was… mine.
I don't deserve her.
What did I do?
Apart from brooding, I also did some research. While Carlisle researched on human-vampire hybrid children to explain her fast growing and to know more about her I called Bella's hospital and even talked to her doctor but of course they didn't know anything about her location, he did explained me her sickness in detail and I hung into every word he said. He said the reason behind her sickness was more likely because of the serious case of anemia she suffered a while ago, which weakened her blood cells. When I heard this I racked my brain for reasons while Bella would stop eating, and at coming up with nothing broke Esme's dinner table in frustration. Then I tried her realtor but he didn't even know Bella was sick, much less about her whereabouts. I hacked into her bank account too, only to find out her last withdrawal had been about three weeks ago in Seattle and that she had emptied her account, so I couldn't trace her by her account records either.
It was as if the earth had swallowed her full.
Alice had been trying to see her future too, but she has the same vision as the one she had weeks ago. She is in the same room, it's not a hospital but there's nothing in it to tell us where she might be, she doesn't go out or anything… she only cries. Yesterday Alice showed me the visions too many times on purpose, as a punishment but she stopped when Jasper couldn't handle it anymore.
I sit in the middle of the floor and pull at my hair, angry at myself.
How could I ever leave her after that night? I turned into one of the monsters I had killed all those years ago when I went on my own before coming back to Carlisle. Of course I didn't force her, but I still hurt her and then… I disappeared. Like a heartless player, like the coward I really was, she said I was her hero that I was more like an angel than a demon I wanted to believe her so bad sometimes I felt like I did, until that night.
I'm so torn, that night had been the best of my existence… but it also turned into my own personal hell. I wanted to cherish those memories but how could with what I did afterwards?
When I saw the bruises my world shattered, after Jasper's incident I had thought this was my last chance, the only and last proof that I could give her as close to a normal life as possible, I was grasping at anything so I could have a reason to stay but it all backfired. She couldn't even walk for a couple of hours afterwards, and it broke me when I saw my hands printed on her body. She had said time after time that she was Ok, that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, but I knew her. She was the perfect martyr, always willing to inflict pain on herself instead of making others suffer. That's when I knew I couldn't be with her, I was dangerous and she was the most innocent and perfect creature created by god, I couldn't claim her. So I made my decision and left, I told her I didn't want her anymore. The blackest blasphemy ever told.
"Edward." Carlisle calls from downstairs "It's time to go."
My spine stiffens.
This is it.
It's 6 p.m. when I park on the closest spot available to the entrance at the Ted Stevens International Airport on Anchorage. I asked only Esme and Carlisle to come with me as I didn't want to overwhelm Elizabeth. I didn't know her so I don't know how she'll react to us but I knew she was shy. Besides, I wasn't sure how much Bella told her of our kind if she even did, her letter said she knew about me but I didn't know if that only meant who I was or also what I was and if she knew what I was I feared she would be scared of too many vampires.
Rosalie had protested for being left behind with the others, but I was firm in this one so after a lot of arguing with Carlisle on my side they all stayed home.
Esme, Carlisle and I walk into the airport and headed for the waiting area in Terminal C. The plane just landed so it won't be long before she's here. Esme and Carlisle take a seat nearby and I start pacing to control my nerves, I'm so grateful for their support even though I know I don't deserve it. If Elizabeth freaks out… at least I'm sure Esme will be able to soothe her.
Damn it, I didn't even get her a gift. Is that something I should have thought about?
"Edward, relax… it would be fine." Carlisle thinks encouragingly. "Maybe Jasper should have come too."
I try to find Mark's thoughts through the people in the airport, and I spot him almost instantly, they are still on the airplane about to get off and he's helping Elizabeth with her sweater and when I focus my attention on her, all breath leaves me.
She is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen.
Even more than her mother, and that's definitely something.
"They are here." I say under my breath and my parents stand up, coming to a stop on either side of me.
I keep looking, trying to find her thoughts, having this urge to know how she is, if she is Ok, what she is thinking but I frown when I find nothing. I try harder but after a few minutes I give up, realizing what's going on and letting out a humorless laugh.
"What is it?" Carlisle asks frowning.
"I can't read her mind." I say, my voice breaking at the end.
She has my looks, but she is also a lot like her mother apparently. This new piece of information brings back memories of the first time I saw her at the lunch room in Forks High. I remember how this was what started all… my curiosity for the silent human. My insides shrink when I remember her asking me if something was wrong with her, when she discovered I read minds that time I saved her at Port Angeles.
"She must have inherited that from Bella… oh god… poor Bella. I can't believe what's happening to her." Esme thinks painfully.
"Here they come." Carlisle says, and I stiffen again with my heart on my throat.
I look up, eager to see her with my own eyes and this pull I had felt when I saw her picture increments a tenfold. I look around until I finally spot Mark, but the crowd blocks her from my view. Then, as if in some sort of a cliché movie, the crowd parts as if it was the red sea and I finally see her.
Oh god.
She is even more beautiful in person, she is tiny and even though she looks tired her eyes are wide taking in her surroundings and as soon as I see her eyes I see the awareness, the intelligence behind them. They are so beautiful, the exact same color as my angel, her tiny right hand is clutching a white torn blanket against her chest, as if depending on it for dear life and that's how I know she is scared.
"She looks a lot like Edward's mother." Carlisle thinks remembering my mother's lasts minutes on this world. "She has a heartbeat, -although a little quicker than a normal human- that means blood runs into her system… and she eats…" The doctor in Carlisle starts to analyze her.
"Oh my." Esme cries. "This is such a miracle…" Esme starts naming all the similarities between her and me. The hair, her face, her lips… everything.
My heart is about to come out of my chest, begging me to go to her and protect her from everything. But I can't move… I'm frozen on the spot at seeing this miracle only a few feet away from me, she still seems more of a vision than reality. How something this perfect be mine? But then I remember she's also Bella's so that makes better sense.
Finally, Mark spots us and approaches us taking Elizabeth's hand.
When they finally come to a stop in front of us, there is utter silence and I can't for the life of me take my eyes off of her. She stares at me curiously, and I can't for dear life figure out what she is thinking. She is serious, her eyes wide but giving nothing away…
"Elizabeth… this is Edward, he is your uncle." Mark introduces us but she doesn't say anything. "Say hi."
She clutches her blanket tighter.
"I told you she's shy." Mark explains looking up at us, and Esme sensing my distress and inability to do anything takes action.
She kneels on the floor in front her taking her attention and smiles warmly at her.
"Hi Lizzie…" Esme says softly "I know you like to be called that, am I right?"
Elizabeth's eyes flicker to me once, as if not knowing what to do before nodding slowly.
"You are so beautiful sweetie... I'm so glad you are coming to live with us, I hope you like your new room." Esme continues trying to make her feel at ease but Elizabeth just continues to stare at her curiously, as if trying to solve a puzzle.
"She is tired," Mark says then and Esme stands up "We had a long trip… Elizabeth, you are going to be Ok now, as I told you your uncle is going to take care of you from now on… I'll keep in touch with him to see how you are doing, all right? You have nothing to fear little one." Mark turns to us "Mrs. Anderson told me she had been having nightmares…"
"Nightmares?" I talk for the first time and Elizabeth's eyes shot to me.
"Yes, I think she used to sleep with her mom… so."
I have a hard time swallowing, if I had been able to cry I know I would.
"Anyway, I have a plane to catch back so this is it… good luck Mr. Cullen and we'll keep in touch."
"Thanks Mark… for everything and please…" I take out a letter from the pocket inside my jacket. "If by any chance you see her…" I whisper "or talk to her… can you give her this?" I plead.
Mark looks at me sympathetically.
"Sure Mr. Cullen… I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you."
And with that he turns around and walks back into the Terminal.
I look down again, and find her still staring at me and the pull is back full force. Slowly, I kneel down to her eye level and we stare into each others' eyes. There is something in them, that I can point out but tells me that she is more special than what Bella let on.
She is not afraid anymore, and I can also see the recognition… I feel it too, as if some invisible strength is pulling us together and that early feeling of protecting this little girl comes back. And it's here and now… that I know I would give my life for her. I can't explain it but I just know that I'll do anything for her.
Her eyes, bring me as much joy as pain as by seeing them I see hers… and I've missed her eyes so much I'm glad to see them again but also it's a reminder that she is no here.
She blinks, breaking the contact and I find my voice again.
"Hi." I say in a whisper.
She tightens the grip on her blankie, I'm glad Bella told me about her security blanket.
"You know who I am?" I ask her softly.
After a minute, she nods slowly.
…
…
…
Ok.
"I'm never… ever going to let anything happen to you, Ok?"
I hear Esme sniff on the background.
"I swear." I add and her eyes water slightly, a single drop falls down her cheek and my fingers itch to clear it away but I fear of scaring her. I fear my cold touch might scare her or even worse that I hurt her. She seems so delicate and fragile, like glass covered in silk. She continues to stare at me and nods two seconds later.
I try to hide my frown, why isn't she talking? Mark said he have never heard her speak… but, she is supposed to be two years old but she looks older, maybe her brain didn't developed that fast? No, that can't be it… I can see it in her eyes she knows what's going on.
I feel Carlisle kneel next to me too.
"Hi Lizzie, I'm Carlisle…" He smiles warmly at her but she's still mute. Adrenaline races through my body, realizing she might be ill or something.
"Elizabeth, are you feeling Ok? Does something hurt? Are you hungry?" I ask, trying to figure out why she is not saying anything.
Then, if my heart had been beating I surely would have had a heart attack. Her chin quivers, she shut her eyes close and starts crying. I step back, fearing to upset her more but dying to do something to appease her. I frantically look at Esme and she immediately takes her in her arms, soothing her.
"Shh… it's Ok sweeties… you are Ok…" Esme coos.
My hands shake, I can't stand her cries they rip at my already scarred heart. I've not been with her for more than two minutes and I already made her cry.
I'm an idiot.
"She must be tired, maybe we should go." Esme suggests.
I nod, take her small suitcase and we walk back to the car with Elizabeth in Esme's arms while I keep my distance.
All the drive back home, Elizabeth cried on Esme's shoulder and I felt so helpless. When we arrive home, we immediately take her inside to protect her from the cold. My siblings are waiting for us in the living room with welcoming gifts but before the say anything Carlisle motions them to be quiet and Esme hurries to the third floor to her new room with Elizabeth still bawling on her arms, her face hidden in her neck. I follow them still keeping my distance and hearing the worried thoughts of my siblings about Elizabeth's cries.
"What happened?" Alice asks softly.
"I don't know, she hasn't said anything… Edward asked her if she was Ok because she was so quiet and she just started crying." Carlisle explains.
"Poor thing, she must be missing her mommy." Alice cries "Damn you Edward! How could you leave her! You idiot!" Alice thinks on the verge of tears if that was possible.
Tell me something I don't know, I think to myself.
Esme sits on Elizabeth's new bed still cooing trying to calm her.
"Jasper." I say desperately from outside of her room and Jasper works his gift from the living room downstairs. Minutes later, Elizabeth is fast asleep in Esme's arms and I finally enter the room.
Esme is tenderly caressing her face and my hands twitch wishing I could do the same.
"She is so beautiful…" Esme says without looking up "you are truly blessed."
"I made her cry." I whisper brokenly.
"No you didn't, it wasn't your fault you did nothing wrong. She is just overwhelmed, we are strangers to her." She whispers back, so not to wake her up.
…
…
…
"Esme, I don't know how to do this… I… I never even entertained the idea of… of becoming a… you know…" I stutter.
"A dad?" Esme finally looks up to me with a sad smile. "No one is born knowing how to be a dad, not even humans know, it's something that comes naturally."
…
…
…
"What if I mess up?"
"You will mess up, you are not perfect Edward but if you are afraid to fail her then by not even trying you already did… she is truly a miracle, don't let this opportunity pass."
"But, I'm afraid to even touch her…" I say, remembering Bella's bruises.
"Don't be… she's amazing, she is warmer than humans by the way."
"She is?" I ask a little amazed, kneeling next to them.
"Yeah," Esme smiles looking down at her again. "You want to hold her?"
I immediately stand up taking a step back.
"No, I don't want to wake her up." I lie and of course she doesn't believe me.
Esme kisses her forehead and traces her finger along Elizabeth's cheek.
"You'll figure everything out… I know it… you are the most caring person I've ever known, the most careful and patient… you'll be an amazing dad."
I swallow hard.
…
…
…
"She thinks the same… in her letter."
"Bella?"
I nod.
"What are you going to do about her?"
I grimace at the scorching pain, and I hear Jasper leave the house again.
"I don't know… she asked me not to look for her, but I can't… I-I need to talk to her, she doesn't deserve this… I-I want… I know it's hypocritical of me to say this but I can't lose her… I know it took me years to figure this out but… I can't let her die, if she asks me now… I would give her immortality in a heartbeat, but I understand if she doesn't want to become like me."
"Why wouldn't she want to? She wanted it before…"
"Maybe she finally realized the mons-"
"Don't even finish that sentence." She hisses and I shut up feeling chastised. "Look at your daughter… do you really think a monster would make something this wonderful?"
"What do I do then? What if she doesn't want to see me?"
"I can't tell you what to do, you are old enough to make your own decisions" She gives me a knowing look "and all of us will respect that."
Elizabeth trembles in Esme's arms and I'm immediately out of the room and taking a blanket from the white closet in the hallway, not even a second has passed and I'm back wrapping the blanket around her.
She smells delicious, but not tempting to vampires… there's something too sweet in it and I'm glad to know she wouldn't be in that kind of threat.
"Why do you think she's not speaking?" Esme asks.
"Bella…" I force myself to say her name "said she taught her to be careful with strangers… that she was special, I can't think of why but maybe there's something to it. Or maybe she just likes to keep to herself."
"Just like her father." Esme thinks and I can't help but smile at her.
Elizabeth moves again in Esme's arms so we decide to leave her alone and rest. Esme lays her down on her new bed and I tell her to make sure she is warm enough.
Once we make sure she is comfortable we leave her room and walk at a human pace downstairs.
"Did you change her into pajamas?" Rosalie asks as we enter the room.
"No, we didn't want to wake her." Esme says.
"But, wha-"
"Rosalie, leave it alone. She is Ok." Esme tells her using her no bullshit tone and Rosalie scowls to the floor.
…
…
…
"I'll go hunting." I say, feeling emotionally drained ad wanting to be alone to… figure things out.
I run through the darkness until I reach the hill, when I finally get there I sit on my usual spot and look up at sky. It's a clear night and the stars are bright, like tiny diamonds in a dark sea.
Please Angel… where are you? I think helplessly.
Are you star gazing too?
Are you feeling Ok? Does it hurt?
I'm sorry.
I close my eyes to see hers, and this time instead of forming into her sad eyes when I left her that day, they form into a smaller set of eyes.
Elizabeth's eyes.
How much does that set of eyes have endured? Watching her mom die slowly… suffering alone? Going through chemotherapies, injections, surgeries… who take care of her while Bella recovered? Who fed her? Who looked after her?
Where is my angel?!
So many questions! I'm torn between run to Seattle to look for her and staying to make sure Elizabeth is Ok. I can't leave her, it pains me to even think of it… what is this feeling? This raw need I have for this little girl? Is it like the mate bond? But with… with daughters?
Daughter…
I have a daughter… and she is so perfect.
I start imagining what would have been like if I hadn't left. If I had stayed and helped her through everything, would she be like me by now? Probably, we would be together so she would still want it. How stupid I was, my angel is all alone now and I have only me to blame. Then, I remember how Elizabeth had cried tonight probably missing her too.
She must feel so alone too.
What am I doing? Why am I here? What if she wakes up and needs something? What if she is not warm enough?
Like lighting, I run back to the house. It's almost dawn now and I'm fighting the sun as I run through the woods. Ten minutes later I jump into the lawn at the back of the house and listen.
She's up.
I walk into the living room where I can hear her heart beat coming from and see Alice sitting next to her on the couch combing her hair, their backs to me. Alice has changed her into a new outfit and I see Jasper in the corner, keeping her calm.
"She woke up crying an hour ago." He explains me.
I nod in acknowledgment feeling like crap.
I stand there, just watching her through Alice's eyes and I notice she has her blankie with her and that she is silently playing with the corner of it. Then Rosalie walks into the room with a plate with an omelet and places it on the coffee table in front of her and a glass of juice.
Elizabeth frowns.
"You don't like this sweetie?" Rose asks softly caressing her cheek but Elizabeth shrugs. Then Rosalie tries to feed her on her mouth, but as soon as she brings the fork near her… Elizabeth starts bawling again.
Then there is a commotion in the house, Esme comes flying into the room -worried about something happening to her- as Rosalie takes her into her arms trying to sooth her, Carlisle stands in the doorway not knowing what to do and even Jasper's gift is not enough to calm her.
"It's Ok sweetie… we can give you something else… are you Ok?" Rosalie coos but that only makes matters worse as Elizabeth starts screaming.
There's a burning in my chest, I can't stand her cries, I can't… I need to do something, then as if in instinct I run to stand in front of Rose.
"Give her to me." I urge.
"She's is fine… go back to your hill." She spats.
"I said give her to me." I say through gritted teeth losing my patience with her as Elizabeth screams torment my soul.
"You are scaring her!" Rosalie says taking a step back and my anger flares when I read her mind.
"She is my daughter not yours, now give her to me before I rip your head off." I threaten.
She must have seen the truth behind my words as a ting of fear flashes her eyes before she releases her to me. I cradle her against my chest, and even though her cries are still ripping at my heart I instantly feel better. I walk back to the kitchen at a human pace –not wanting to upset her more- placing her on my hip and with one hand I start cutting an apple in thin slices. When I'm done I put them in a bowl and sit on one of the stools with her on my lap.
"Shh… it's Ok," I caress her back soothingly "shhh don't cry… here, you want apples instead?" I say softly holding the bowl in front of her.
She nods, still whimpering as her tiny hand grabs a slice and brings it to her mouth. She reclines her head on my chest and starts chewing it. I wrap my arms around her instinctively bringing her close to my chest and kiss the top of her head breathing her a little, as soon as her scent invades my lungs the pain lessens a little.
We sit like that for a few minutes until she finishes her apples, when she is done I walk back into the living room with her hiding her face on my neck still whimpering a little.
"Jasper…" I whisper, asking him for help and the room suddenly feels calmer. I sit on the couch and she grabs at my shirt before falling into a deep slumber.
Everyone is quiet, and I take advantage to finally look at her properly.
I'm amazed again by her beauty, I don't know… but there's something about her that tugs at my heart and by everyone's thoughts… I can tell I'm not the only one. Maybe that's one of her traits… Bella said she was special.
Esme was right… she is warm.
I trace the pad of my thumb over her cheek, marveling at the softness. Her skin is pale, almost translucent but with some glow, I can't really describe it. I continue to stare at her, and memories of all the times I watched Bella sleep flood my mind. She may look like me, but I have a feeling her personality is all Bella.
"Edward…" I look up to see Alice handing me a blanket.
It's the first time she has talked to me in days.
"Thanks." I say taking it from her and wrapping it around Elizabeth.
One by one, my family leaves the room until it's just Alice, Elizabeth and I.
She watches us and I read on her mind the amazement at seeing us together. She also thinks the resemblance is uncanny and is wondering how this could even be possible.
"She is beautiful." She says softly.
"I know…" I say not taking my eyes out of my daughter.
…
…
…
"Have you seen anything new recently?" I ask then tentatively and she shakes her head.
"The same… she is in a blue room. But I don't know where… she is being careful not to give anything away." Alice cries.
…
…
…
I close my eyes, and rest my forehead against Elizabeth's.
"I'm sorry." I tell her softly "I'm so sorry."
Awww! Poor Elizabeth! and poor Edward he is so confused and heart broken!
Where is Bella? What's up with Lizzie?
I'll try to post during the weekend! PLEASE REVIEW!
Saludos!
tpec