Remember when I said this story would be 20 chapters long? Yeah, what the heck was I thinking? This story would be at least 35 chapters long maybe a bit more. I hope you don't mind ;)
SPOILER/WARNING: Some of you expressed your concern about Bella losing her hair. Don't worry, I won't say much but as I said please trust me... I won't have Bella rocking a bald head for eternity ;)
I'm soo happy all of you took Seth's imprinting news so well! I was nervous about it! Glad you liked the little twist!
Special thanks to Cattinson for her Betta skills and Lisopera for prereading, without you this story wouldn't be the same!
SM owns everything!
Chapter 10: Like A Knife
"Like A Knife" – Secondhand Serenade
Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
'Cause today, you walked out of my life
'Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.
But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember
Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.
December 15th – 4 weeks and 6 days left.
"Why do you hate being a vampire?"
…
…
…
"What did you really ask mom?" I say in a strange voice.
It took her too many seconds to respond.
"Why did you leave?"
I frowned.
"And what does that have to do with what you asked mom?"
She shrugged.
"I don't know, it just does." She said quietly.
"I don't understand."
I saw through the rearview mirror that she was biting her lip and playing with her blankie again.
"Mom said you left because you needed to be what you were, but… the other day you told me you didn't like what you were… so I don't understand."
"That's what momma told you?" I asked softly.
She nodded looking up at me, her eyes locking with mine through the mirror.
I didn't say anything at first looking back at the road avoiding her gaze, wrapping my head around it all. What did I answer to that? The truth? Which question should I answer first? Would she be afraid? Scared? I didn't want to scare her away. Would she hate me now? I couldn't lie to her, she was smart –so smart beyond her years- and would eventually know the truth, but should I paint it or should I be completely honest?
"Elizabeth, what do you know about… me?"
I had such a hard time saying the word aloud in front of her.
"You are a vampire." The word didn't sound so bad coming from her lips, unlike when I said it, it sounded like a curse even in my mind.
"What else?"
"You drink blood… like me."
I nodded for her to go on.
"But Momma also said you were different, that you weren't like in the movies… that you were good."
"But, what about you? What do you think of me?" I asked her with my heart on my throat.
"I think she is right." She said without hesitation.
"Why?" I was astounded.
She really thought that? Or was she afraid I'd be mad? Was she editing what she really thought? Was she scared? Would she scream?
"I think you are good… because you take care of me, you hunt for me and… when I'm scared you are there… but I also think you are sad."
I chuckled without humor, her answer taking me off guard. She was very observant.
"I am sad." I smiled sadly at the road.
"Why? Is it because of me?" She said worriedly.
"It is," she gasped "but not in the way you are thinking…" I hurried to say, and her panicked expression faded a little "I'm sad because… because I wasn't there for you before." I finished with a knot on my throat.
Her eyebrows furrowed.
"I don't understand."
I passed the motel and continued my way on the 101.
How do I talk to her about this? I wasn't prepared for this conversation but at the same time I knew I'd never be. I was scared of her reaction, terrified she would saw me for the monster I really was and wouldn't want me to be near her.
The sense of déjà vu wasn't lost on me.
"Elizabeth, remember when I told you that my kind didn't expect much of life?"
She nodded.
"Well, I certainly didn't expect you… I didn't even let myself wish I'd have something remotely close… you ask me why I hate being what I am… and that's why."
"I still don't understand." Her frown deepened.
"My kind… we are frozen where we are, we don't move forward… we have to hide and our instincts make us do things we don't want to do… it's a hard life…" I swallowed "we are… damned."
"Why are you damned?"
…
…
"Well, Carlisle disagrees but… I don't think we have souls," I said looking at her for any signs of panic or fear "what we are it's the exact opposite of good. We… we are designed to-to kill… that's wh-why I thought I d-didn't deserve anything good in my life… why I didn't even wish for it no matter how much I wanted it."
…
…
"What did you want?" She whispered, her eyes bored into mine through the reflection of the mirror.
"Before I met your mother, I thought my… existence would be the same forever… alone, no moving forward… then I met her."
"In the lunch room." She said with a soft smile, and I was glad she remembered our previous conversation.
"Yes, your mom was so good to me, she was like an angel and I couldn't believe she'd choose to be with someone like me… it was a dream come true. It was her, she was what I wanted, to have a real life with her. Then I'd see the truth of what I was and I didn't want that for her, I didn't want to tie someone like her to someone like me. That's why I left."
She was quiet, thinking over my words. I knew this was a heavy conversation, but I knew she understand on some degree and she needed to know the truth. As much as I feared her to know me, at the same time I wanted her to. She needed to know me, she needed to know everything so she would understand and probably, finally accept me as her father. If she knew why I left them, why I did what I did.
"But, I still don't understand why you are sad. Momma said you wanted to be you."
I shook my head sadly.
"That's what I told her… so she would let go. But the truth is that I only wanted her, I didn't need the rest."
"So you lied?" She tilted her head to the side in confusion.
…
…
"Yes…" my voice cracked "and I regret it, so much."
"Why?"
"Because… it was all for nothing. I left because I thought I was always putting her in danger, because I thought it was best for her but the truth is… she was already a danger magnet," I said thinking about the wolves, vampires and illnesses surrounding her "and it makes me sad all the pain was for nothing, in the end… it made matters worse and now that I met you… I regret it even more."
"You do?" She whimpered.
"Yes, I missed out on you. I hated being what I was because I thought I couldn't give Bella the good things about life… love, family, safety, happiness… and it turns out I was wrong. That's why I am sad."
She didn't say anything at first, and I started to panic. Would she finally hate me too, learning what I did? Would she demand me to take her to Jacob?
"What are you thinking?" I asked as calm as I could, desperation and anxiety getting the best of me.
"I think…" she started to say and I stared at her closely through the rearview mirror, then she looked up to me "I think you are wrong, and momma's right."
I locked my eyes with her.
"What?" I gasped.
"You did what you thought it was good." She said simply. "You are good."
"It's not about what I do, it's about what I am." I contradicted her.
She shook her head stubbornly.
"It doesn't matter what you are."
My grip on the wheel tightened.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" I gritted out.
Of course it matters!
"But, if a human killed someone… would that make him a good person then?"
"No." I said in confusion, why would she say that?
"But he is human, if what you say is true then what he did wouldn't matter because of that."
I was speechless.
"But… but he killed someone, of course it would matter then." I said.
"Do you kill people?"
"I did before."
"The bad ones." She added.
How much did she know?! Did Bella talked to her openly about me? About Vampires?
…
…
…
"I think you are good, momma's right." She nodded to herself with a tone of finality and looked out of the window.
"It doesn't bother you? What I am?" I was incredulous.
She shook her head.
"It's not your fault."
We were quiet after that, and I kept thinking about her words.
I couldn't believe it, she didn't think I was bad? In fact… she thought the opposite. For a second, this new knowledge made me so happy I couldn't put it into words. She didn't care what I was? But then, she was Bella's daughter, she wouldn't think ill of anyone. Besides she lived with Bella, of course she would fill her head with good things about me in spite of what I did to her.
Bella had years to brainwash her, to prepare her so she wouldn't be scared when she'd come to live with us, when she entered our world which meant she knew she wouldn't survive the cancer. Unless I turned her but of course she didn't want that. It made me wonder if she had actually given up before her treatment, she did have been looking for me for a while even before she contacted social services when the doctor gave her a life time.
"Why do you think you don't have a soul?" Lizzie interrupted my thoughts and I looked at her again through the mirror. "What's a soul anyway?"
I frowned, deep in thought.
"A soul…" I mused "I don't think there's really a description for it but it's like… the essence of a person after they are gone… what makes them really immortal, what goes to heaven or hell."
"Why do you think you don't have one?"
"Because I'm not a creature of god." I avoided her eyes. Why would she ask that? If I had any hope she wouldn't see me as a monster, it shattered now.
"Were you always like this?" She tilted her head to the other side.
"No, I told you Carlisle turned me when I was sick."
"So you were human before?"
"Yes."
"And you didn't ask for this."
"No."
"Who made you first?"
I stared at the black road in front of us, thinking about my answer.
"Him, I suppose."
"So He took your soul away?" She was confused.
"I guess."
She thought for a few seconds before looking back at me.
"Do you think He is good?" Her little frown was still there.
"Yes."
"If he is good, then why would he take your soul away over something you had no control over?"
I stiffened.
Then I looked straight into her eyes through the mirror with disbelief.
Who was this girl?
Did Carlisle or Bella give her a script or something? But then again neither of them had ever said something like it. I was awed and… I don't know. I didn't know what to think, I would have never thought a little three year old would leave me speechless. It made me wonder how much aware of the world she was, how her mind worked and what her real capacities where. She barely talks, but when she does… it blows my mind away.
"That's silly," She shook her head "I still think momma's right." She looked out of the window again.
I still couldn't speak.
Or think.
"Where are we?"
It took about two seconds before her words registered into my brain.
"Forks." I answered a little too late.
Why would he take your soul away over something you had no control over?
It's not your fault.
"Why are we here?"
"I wanted to show you something."
I think you are wrong, and momma's right.
Was Bella right?
Did I have a soul after all?
I park behind an old abandoned building on the outskirts of Forks. Get out of the car and go to open the door for her, unbuckle the belt and pick her in my arms. I'd let her run but knowing there had been vampires in the area, and not knowing where Victoria was I decide to take her with me. I place her on my back and take off.
Two minutes later I stop and help Lizzie onto the floor. She looks around the dark forest and steps closer hiding behind my leg and grabbing my hand.
"Do you trust me?" I look down at her with an amused smile.
She nods.
"And what do I always tell you?" I smirk.
She thinks for a moment before blushing.
"That you won't let anyone hurt me."
"Exactly." I smile widely glad she remembered "So you don't have to fear."
I pick her up and place her on my hip anyway, -knowing it'll make her feel better- and kiss her cheek.
"Where are we?" She is still looking around nervously.
"You'll see, I just wanted to make sure no one was home."
"Home?"
"Your momma's old home."
She gasps and I chuckle walking down the trail, seconds later we are in Bella's old back yard. I can't hear anyone inside so I place Lizzie on my back again and climb up the tree and open the window to Bella's old bedroom before jumping in with a swift motion. I haven't done this in years, and the action brought back millions of beautiful memories of all the times I had snuck in and spent the night with her, taking care of her and watching her sleep. Those memories as beautiful as they were still rip at me knowing what I had turned my back on. What I had so stupidly walked out of.
Once inside I put Lizzie back on the floor, she doesn't let go of my hand and I look around.
What used to be Bella's room is now a TV room. It pains me that there is no trace of what used to be my angels room, although when I look closer I can see they never painted the walls. That makes it a bit easier to come to terms with it all but not enough.
"This used to be your momma's room," I explain and Lizzie looks around curiously "her bed used to be over there, and her desk was there instead of that couch."
"Really?" She smiled at me.
"Yes."
"Tell me more."
I sit on the floor and I pull her to sit in my lap wrapping my arms around her, I close my eyes and try to imagine I'm once again on the same room, recalling the old feeling of home, imaging her scent and warmth surrounding me. I open my eyes again and stare at the wall in front of us.
"She had her dresser over there on top of it she'd have her books, brushes and a CD player." I start softly, a small smile playing on my lips "Then, next to her bed was her bedside table with more books, in that corner was her rocking chair. She always had clothes hanging over it, it would drive Alice crazy." I remembered fondly.
"She still does it." She chuckled.
"She does?" I smiled down in awe at her.
She nodded and touched my cheek showing me. My face fell when it was in fact the same rocking chair. The same rocking chair I had sat on so many times watching her sleep. I guess she kept some of her old furniture in the small cabin.
"What color was it?" She looked at the walls.
"Actually, it's the same… the new owners didn't change it, same for the curtains." I noticed.
"Can we look around?"
"Sure."
I stood up and gave her a tour of the house, showing her every corner.
I almost fell on my knees when we entered the kitchen though, as that was the only room –besides the new breakfast table- that remained the same. The cabinets where the same yellow Rene had painted them years ago, -Bella had explained me she had done it to bring some sunshine into the house- the checkered floor was the same one and even the stove and fridge were the same old monstrosities. If I let my imagination go wild, I could picture and listen to Bella over the stove, making dinner while Charlie read the newspaper on the breakfast table drinking Vitamin R.
"It's a pretty house."
Lizzie walked into the kitchen, pulling me by my hand.
"It is." I whispered with a knot on my throat as I stared at the new breakfast table. It seemed so out of place, not at all like Charlie's old table with different chairs.
Charlie, I couldn't stop the guilt that weighted so heavy in my shoulders. If I had been here he would still be around… probably fast asleep in the living room with the TV on an old baseball rerun. I realized his death would always be on my conscience.
I wished Seth had seen the nomad's face when he had run after him before he jumped into the ocean so then I could hunt him down and avenge him. It's the least he deserves, he had loved Bella so much… he had been a wonderful father towards her. I could only wish I could be half as good as him for Lizzie.
Suddenly I heard the owners of the house approach on their car, they were talking about the movie they had just seen in Port Angeles.
I guessed our time was up.
"Lizzie, time to go." I took her just as they rounded the corner into the street.
"So soon?" She had a sad face.
"I'm sorry, the owners are here."
I walked us back upstairs and waited till they got into the house so they wouldn't see us go out from the window in Bella's room which faced the street.
It was a young couple, and they stayed in the car chatting about nonsense so I sat us back on the floor waiting for them to come into the house. That's when I noticed they never changed the floorboards either.
I wonder…
My fingers stroked the wood lazily, until I found the dent. I pressed my fingers in the exact spot and the board popped open.
And there they were.
Lizzie gasped as I took out the Ziploc bag.
"What's that?" She asked in awe.
"Your mother's 18th birthday presents." I whispered before blowing off the dust.
There they were all, the plane tickets, the CD, the photos…
"Why did she leave them here?" She asked puzzled.
I couldn't tell her the truth, it was too much. So instead I asked her something else.
"You want them? You can have them if you want momma's song is on the CD."
"Really?" She gave me a bright smile.
"Really." I handed her the bag.
When the couple finally made it into the house, I took Lizzie with me and jumped out of the window.
Angel, please… let me find you.
December 16th – 4 weeks and 5 days left.
"But this dress is so pretty!" Alice whined. "It's pink and has ribbons!"
Lizzie shook her head and threw herself on the bed.
"C'mon Lizzie, if you wear it I won't change you again until we go to the airport."
Lizzie ignored her and pressed replay on her new walkman.
Yeah, who knew they still sold those? Apparently they still do in small towns. Last night while Lizzie was asleep, Jasper and I had gone out to see if we could track Bella around Forks and Port Angeles. On our way back I had passed next to this music store and saw it. Now she had been attached to the thing all morning listening to Bella's CD. If I couldn't play for her this morning at least she had the CD now so she wouldn't go without hearing it, ever.
I lifted my eyes from the laptop in my lap.
"Leave her alone Alice, she is perfectly happy in her pajamas. We are not even going out till afternoon anyway."
She huffed and stomped out of the room towards Jasper who was on the couch.
"Fine."
Lizzie beamed and came to sit next to me on the opposite couch, snuggling to my side. I kissed her head and wrapped my arm around her.
"Jasper, would you mind changing the channel, please?"
Jasper was watching the news, and I didn't want Lizzie to listen about a couple of dead bodies found in Seattle in a dumpster.
"Sorry." He said changing it to the History Channel.
Lizzie laid her head on my stomach and closed her eyes listening to her music while I worked on my laptop and stroked her hair at the same time.
Last night had meant a lot for us, I feel as if I had connected with her on a whole new level. We had got to know each other a little more, she knew about me, my beliefs, my side of the story and she had accepted me. It meant a lot to me, although I was still holding my breath, expecting she would go running down the hills screaming in fright any second now. But she hadn't so far and it gave me hope that maybe, I could do this after all.
When we arrived at the motel after Bella's house, after Alice helped her into her pajamas she had put Bella's CD, tickets and photos in her treasure's chest. If I could I knew I would have cried, alas my eyes only stung with the unshed tears as she fell asleep on my chest before I left.
And now here we were, snuggling together on the couch. It made me so happy to see that she was finally reaching out to me. That she was getting comfortable around me and more importantly, that she trusted me.
"What are we doing today?" Lizzie looked up at me.
"We could play dress up if you want." Alice smiled too innocently from her place on Jasper's lap and I rolled my eyes at her.
"Why don't you play with uncle Jasper instead?" Lizzie asked innocently.
"Because she already does it every two hours." Jasper muttered. "I still have 26 minutes until she changes my clothes again. Maybe I can convince her to wait until this documentary is over."
"You can play with my doll if you want." Lizzie offered pointing towards the doll I gave her for her birthday. "It has another dress, it's pink."
"It's not the same." Alice pouted and Lizzie frowned, feeling bad.
"Stop it, Alice." I looked down at my still frowning angel "You want to go for a run?"
"YES!" She jumped to a sitting position with a big smile that brought one of my own.
"Oh! I have the perfect outfit for a run!" Alice cheered running back into the room.
I laughed out loud at Lizzie's face.
Lizzie and I were running through the woods, throwing snow balls at each other once in a while. I could hear Jasper and Alice way behind us I had asked them to come but to maintain their distance. I had been reckless last night, but I had also wanted privacy with my daughter. But now, I couldn't risk her anymore not with Victoria out there and now that I knew about vampires being in Forks, I didn't want any curious eyes near my daughter. We never knew their true nature.
When I noticed Lizzie loosing speed –probably getting tired- I ran passed her, picked her up with my hands and throwing her in the air. She let out a squeal before I caught her and threw her over my back. She got a hold on my neck and I pressed my right hand over hers to make sure she wouldn't let go, then took one of her legs with my other hand, keeping it around my torso and picked up speed again.
"Faster! Faster!" She laughed and I could only comply.
I headed north, I thought I was running without specific direction but it didn't take long before I realized where I was really going. Soon, I passed the final trees and the sun blinded me for a second.
And there we were.
Even if it was covered with a nice layer of snow it was still as breathtaking as in the summer. It looked like a winter fairy tale, the snow glistening with the light sunrays, snowflakes floating aimlessly around us and ice cones decorating the trees circling the small meadow, sparkling like crystal chandeliers against the bright light, sending rainbows everywhere.
With a gasp Lizzie jumped from by back and ran into the middle of the clearing with a wide smile.
"You know the place!" She cheered excitedly while I stayed hidden in the shadows.
I observed with relief how her skin reacted with the sun. It didn't sparkle like mine, thank god. It only had a subtle glow, something human eyes wouldn't be able to see. She wouldn't be damned to stay indoors on a sunny day. I was happy about that, she could enjoy the summer and warm shinny days as she is supposed to.
"Dad? What are you doing over there?"
My eyes snapped open and my brain stopped functioning.
"Dad? Are you ok?"
Her lips kept moving, but only one word would register.
"Dad?"
She had said it again. I didn't imagine it.
"Dad, can you hear me?" she took a step closer towards me.
I didn't imagined it, right?
"Did you just call me dad?" I breathed, still in shock.
"Oh… uhm, I thought you wanted me too?" She was confused now and… sad?
"Of course I do!" I hurried to say "I just… I want you to want to, not because you think I want to."
"Oh," she blushed "well… I want to." My eyes stung with unshed tears. "Is it Ok?"
"Nothing would make me happier." My voice shook with emotion and my chest filled with love and devotion when I saw her shy smile.
She looked around the meadow again, and then her gaze fell upon me again.
"Uhm… Dad?" My heart did a flippy thing "Do you wanna make snow angels with me?" She asked shyly.
I chuckled without humor.
"I'll be with you in a moment."
She nodded and threw herself on the ground, spreading her arms and legs and moving them up and down. Then she jumped back on her feet and stepped away to look at her creation.
It warmed my heart, her mind was what I assumed one of an eight year old but she was still a three year old on the inside. Playful, curious about the world, the most innocent thing excited her. Everything was new, simple and wonderful to her.
Truth to her years, she also was insecure, shy and constantly needed reassurance as any child would. She still needed someone to look out for her, someone to show her everything the world has to offer for someone like her. I remembered our first run, when I had come to a similar conclusion. That as crazy as it sounded, she needed someone like me.
She turned back at me with a big smile and pointed to the ground.
"Look! Come and see!" She said excitedly.
"Alright," I said worriedly "but please… don't be scared. I won't hurt you."
She frowned, not understanding what I meant.
With a resigned sigh, I took a nervous step into the light. I looked at her carefully as her eyes almost came out of her sockets. I cringed and closed my eyes as I waited for her scream.
…
…
"You sparkle." She breathed after an endless second and I opened my eyes to look at her curious and awed ones.
"Uhm, yeah?"
She kept staring at me, not saying a word then took a step forward and I took one backwards, expecting her scream but it never came.
Why was she so calm about it?
"Aren't you scared?" I asked in disbelief.
She shook her head.
"Doesn't it freak you out?"
"Why?"
"Because… my skin, it's different."
Repulsive.
"Mine too." She took off her mitten and extended her arm towards me, showing me the obvious.
There it was, the faint glow. Invisible for humans but still, different… like me.
"Why does your skin sparkle more than mine?" I laughed incredulously at her little pout.
Is this what was really bothering her?
"I don't know, angel."
This was incredible.
Letting out a sigh of relief, I walked towards her to the middle of the clearing and sat on the ground so I could be at her eye level. Lightly, she traced her little warm fingers over my cheek, her face a mix of curiosity and wonder. I closed my eyes as her finger traced my nose and then my eyebrows.
"Your skin is pretty." She whispered and I chuckled again, I couldn't believe she was actually saying that. "It reminds me of my treasure's chest." That made break in laugher.
"Do I look green to you?!" I said between guffaws. She was so amusing.
"No!" She giggled "It's because of all the glitter!"
Oh, god.
I could hear Jasper and Alice laughing in the distance too.
"Well, no matter how cute you are I won't let you glue stickers on me." I poked her tummy.
"What about your piano? It looks so boring all white." She grimaced.
My piano?
"You know, I would have to love you so much to let you do something as heinous as that." I made a face of my own and her face fell.
I pulled her onto my lap and pampered her face with kisses.
"Of course I'll let you do anything you want to my beloved piano." I kissed her cheek "If it makes you happy you can even paint it green." I wiggled my eyebrows at her.
I hope she knew I was joking about the last one.
"OH MY GOD CAN I?!" She beamed up at me.
"You want to paint my piano green?" I squeaked, trying to hide my panicked expression.
"Yes! Oh, please can I?! please?!" She pleaded with big excited eyes.
…
…
"Ok." I forced my smile, because… how could I say no to those eyes? Really, you'd have to be heartless, mine wouldn't be alive but I still had one at least.
"Thank you daddy!" She threw herself at me and kissed my cheek. "You are going to love it I swear!"
And I forgot all about my precious piano.
"Can I ask you something?"
"20 questions again?" I chuckled.
We were lying in the middle of the clearing, as I watched the clear sky and she played with my fingers lying next to me in the snow, my skin still amusing her.
I closed my eyes and took a deep sigh. It was so good to be out, even though I couldn't shut off completely as my mind kept going out to Carlisle.
"Can I go first?"
"Of course."
I kept messaging him every ten minutes to see if he had found something. Jasper had just gone to Seattle again, since we were already here and Emmett had just left King and was going north again. Rosalie and Esme were going to join him tomorrow morning since Alice and Jasper were going back to Alberta with me. Jasper was coming because I needed him around Seth in case something happened and we needed his gift and Alice was coming too because we were going to try to make plans again and I needed her to see if she could see something based on them.
Speaking of Seth, I had only told Carlisle and Esme about him. I didn't want Rosalie to throw a fit and if Lizzie was there when she found out about him at least she would try to behave. Not that I cared if she punched the dog but I worried it would upset Lizzie. Anyway, if she found out now a dog would be taking more of Lizzie's attention I knew my cell phone wouldn't stop ringing, and I couldn't turn it off right now or break it when I was waiting for any signs of my angel.
In a few words, Rosalie will be green with envy.
Maybe it was a good thing Seth was coming after all.
"What's you favorite animal?"
I smiled to myself.
"The mountain lion."
"Mine too!"
"I know," I chuckled "my turn. Why don't you like dresses?"
"Because I can't run with them or play in the ground."
I guessed that much.
"Who taught you to play the piano?"
"My real mom did, I think when I was six maybe seven."
"You miss her?" She rolled to face me.
"Not really, it was a long time ago. I barely remember her."
"Why?"
"Wasn't it my turn?"
She shrugged innocently and I smiled at her.
"When we change, most of our human memories fade. They became mostly a blur."
"Oh."
"What's your most precious memory?" I changed the subject.
"I have a lot."
"Top five?"
She thought for a moment then touched my hand again.
Bella singing Lizzie her lullaby on Bella's rocking chair.
Edward teaching Lizzie to play Bella's lullaby.
Seth teaching Lizzie how to swim in the river and Bella clapping in the background.
I scowled at that particular memory.
Bella and Lizzie taking a walk down the beach in La Push, Bella telling her about Edward.
Edward and Lizzie at "La Bella Italia"
"Those are your precious memories." I commented when she was done.
"Which ones are yours?"
I looked at her beautiful brown eyes as I thought about it.
"When you called me dad would be my first," She smiled her gorgeous smile "When I met your mom, then it would be when I heard your laugh for the first time while we watched Shrek…" between those it would be Bella's and I first kiss and that night but I don't think those would be appropriate. "When I brought your mom here for the first time and when you and I went for our first hunt together."
"I like the last one too."
I sat up and brought her to my lap again.
"When your mom and you would talk about me… what would she say?"
"She said you were beautiful." She giggled.
I rolled my eyes, only Bella.
"You are far more beautiful," I kissed her forehead "what else?" I asked in wonder.
"That you saved her a lot of times. You are a hero." She smiled and I wanted to roll my eyes again.
"She saved me."
"That you were good at everything."
"I don't know about that." I scoffed in disbelief.
She stared at me for a whole minute before she rolled onto her back and looked back at the sky.
"You are Shrek." She thought aloud. "I get it now."
"Excuse me?" I was amused again.
"Shrek doesn't like himself either… he thinks he's a monster, but he's still a hero." She mused with her sweet chiming voice.
My amusement was gone, and it was replaced by something else I couldn't decipher.
"Who introduced you to Shrek?"
"Momma."
Of course.
"I get it now."
"What do you get?" I watched her curiously as I waited for her answer, while holding my breath. What had she come up to?
"The end." She whispered to herself.
"Lizzie? Care to explain?"
"It's doesn't matter to her what he is because he is good. Momma says she saw who he is instead of what he was… I didn't understand at first, but I think I do now." She turned her head to me and I stared into her big awed eyes.
"You think I'm Shrek?" I asked.
She looked back at the sky, a small smile on her lips.
"She becomes like him, she gives up everything for him." She whispers to herself again, her eyes filling with something I can't describe but there's wonder and hope in them. I was about to ask her to clarify, to beg her what the hell she was thinking about now when Alice interrupted me.
"Edward, I'm sorry but we have to head back now or we will lose the flight." Alice thought.
I sighed.
"Lizzie, it's time to go." I murmured.
She snaps out of her dreamy look.
"But, you didn't do your snow angel?" She frowned at me.
I stretched my arms and legs and moved them up and down, after repeating the motion a few times we stood up and watched our creation. Two angels lay on the ground, one larger than the other. I smiled to myself, the irony not lost in me.
I heard the snap of a camera and I turned to see Alice smiling brightly at us.
"Beautiful." She said.
The plane descended in Calgary around 7:00 pm, after following the standard procedures we were now waiting for our things at the luggage claim. Seth was standing several feet away from us as he didn't have any luggage to pick up. He just brought a knapsack with a few changes of clothes, a sleeping bag and a tent on a hiker's backpack. Safe to say he traveled lightly, not wanting to cause any trouble.
He took his word seriously about living in the woods. I wondered how long he'd last, although after reading his, Sam and Jacob's mind I knew there would be little they wouldn't do for their imprints.
I didn't get to meet Leah –not that I wanted to-, but by his and Jacob's thoughts while we were at the airport in Seattle, I had a rerun from her tantrum when Seth had told her and Sue the news. She had lashed, screamed and thrown things at both of them. Calling Seth crazy, stupid and reckless but when Seth had asked her if she wouldn't do the same for Jacob she didn't have an answer, Sue just looked away in resignation. Leah had wanted to come and protect her little brother but Jacob didn't let her, he had to use his alpha power on her something he hated. Besides she wouldn't have been able to even if Jacob had allowed it, because Jacob had to stay in La Push with the pack and as the tribe's leader and she could simply not leave her imprint behind.
When we finally got our luggage I took it with one hand and carried Lizzie with the other, then headed out of the airport and towards Carlisle who had come to pick us up while Esme and Rose kept searching and getting ready to leave tomorrow and join Emmet in Seattle.
"Carlisle." I nodded at him as soon as I saw him.
"Hello Edward," he smiled fondly at my daughter who was about to crash in my arms. "Hi Lizzie, tired from the trip?"
She could only nod and close her eyes resting her head on my shoulder. That was when Carlisle turned to Seth who stood awkwardly a few feet behind us.
"You must be Seth." Carlisle took two steps towards him and stretched out his hand "I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen, but you can call me Carlisle." Seth took his hand, a little stunned. The hairs on his forearm standing with the sudden coldness of Carlisle's skin.
"Hi." Seth stammered and Carlisle smiled warmly.
"I'm really grateful you were able to join us, since I wanted to thank you personally on behalf of my whole family for everything you did for Lizzie and Bella."
"Uhmm, Ok?" Seth was as stunned as me.
Why was Carlisle so calm about having a wolf so close to him?
"I wanted you to know, I consider Bella a daughter therefore I see Lizzie as my… granddaughter?" He chuckled and Seth smiled relaxing a little "So believe me when I say we will be forever in debt with you and your brothers."
"It was really nothing, Bella's like a big sister to me so…" he shrugged "I'm just happy they are Ok."
"We all agree on that. Now, let's go home I'm sure Lizzie misses her bed."
We walked towards Carlisle's car Jasper turned towards Seth and asked him for his things. I still didn't trust Seth controlling himself and being packed in the same car for a couple of hours with four vampires would have had him on edge. So I told Jasper to show him the way home instead, Seth had agreed immediately pretty much relieved not having to go through it all too. No matter how much Bella had told him to trust us it was still instinctual for him to be wary of us.
After we had put all the luggages in the trunk we all went our respective ways. Alice got in the passenger's seat of Carlisle's car and I got in the back with my daughter, then Jasper and Seth walked out of the parking lot.
After studying him for a whole good goddamn hour during the flight by reading his mind thoroughly, I found out he was actually a good kid, his only flaw being too naïve. Which depending on the situation it could be both a good thing and a bad thing. But aside from that he was a normal teenager, easygoing, loyal and happy, which made it harder for me to hate him so it made me want to hate him even more.
But no matter how good of a kid he was, he was still dangerous. He could easily lose his control over something stupid and harm Lizzie –imprint or not-, that's why I needed to be careful and stand my ground about him keeping his distance and to be honest, I still wasn't ready to share Lizzie.
We had just started to connect and I had already missed so much time with her –the first three years of her life- I didn't want anything to get in the way and Seth threatened that by what I saw in Lizzie and Seth's memories, I could tell they were very close. I've just had her a few short weeks with me she just called me dad for the first time today. Was it wrong of me for wanting her all for myself?
"What was all that about?" I asked Carlisle a little annoyed as soon as we got out of the parking lot.
"Excuse me?"
"That." I pointed towards Seth and Jasper's retreating form.
I know I was probably being selfish, but she was the only good thing I had in my life. Was it wrong of me that I wanted to protect that too? And not only that, if something bad actually happened to her, I would never forgive myself. I promised her I wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt her.
"I was just being a good host. Besides, if what you told me is true we do owe him a lot. Don't be so hard on the kid."
"He is a wolf." I sneered "He could harm her so easily."
"But he hasn't, and I don't think he will. His self-control works much like ours with our thirst, with time we learn to control it."
"I won't take my chances, he won't come into the house and Lizzie won't be with him without supervision."
"I agree, I'm just asking you to not be too hard on him. You do owe him a lot."
I just scowled at nothing in particular.
He was right I had known that since yesterday. If it hadn't been for him or the wolves I wouldn't have my little angel right now sleeping in my arms.
I tightened my hold on her as Carlisle pressed the accelerator.
I looked down and stared at her gorgeous face. I tried to imagine my life now without her and I just couldn't. Even though I've just met her a few weeks ago, it was as if I had known no life before her. If it wasn't for her, I don't know how I would be faring with these difficult times. It was her that kept me going, what kept that small light of hope up that I'd find her before it was too late. She was the only thing that kept me breathing, if something happened to Bella… she would be the only reason why I would stay around. Even thought the pain would be excruciating, I would go through it for my little angel. Because I knew she would need me too, and because I had promised to Bella I'd take care of our little angel… I had to remember that.
Almost two hours later, we drove into the trail to our house. Jasper and Seth where running next to us, hidden in the woods since Seth was on his wolf form. They got to the house first and Seth phased back before stepping out of the bushes. He was looking everywhere on high alert, making himself familiar with his new surroundings before looking out for Lizzie.
As I opened the door to let myself out, mindful to not wake up Lizzie. The front door opened and Esme and Rosalie came out to greet us.
"You are here!" Esme beamed dancing down the porch.
"Eww! What's with the smell?!" That would be the ice queen and we all turned to Seth who stood awkwardly at the edge of the woods. "Who is that?" Rosalie sneered suspiciously.
"I've got Lizzie a puppy, you can call him fido." I quipped.
Fido scowled at the ground.
"What?!" Rosalie screeched but I ignored her as I walked pass her and into the house to put Lizzie into her bed. It was getting pretty late and cold outside.
"Seth!" Esme smiled motherly at him "I'm so happy to finally meet you! How was your flight?"
Fido stammered, not knowing what to make out of her or Rosalie.
I put Lizzie in her bed, kissed her forehead and drew her blankets over her. Then hurried my way back outside.
"Uhm fine, I guess? I've never been on a plane before so that was… uhm, cool?"
"That's great! Oh! How rude of me! I'm Esme, Carlisle's wife." Esme stretched out her hand just as I stopped at the door looking with amusement at the scene in front of me.
"Someone care to explain?!" Rosalie cried while pinching her nose "What's that thing doing here?!" Alice hurried next to her to explain it all at vampire speed.
"Nice to meet you?" Fido took Esme's hand confused as hell and Esme continued.
"The pleasure is all mine Carlisle told me everything and I hope we'll be able to repay you someway one day."
"It's nothing, Esme really."
"Oh, don't be so modest. Now, I'm sure you already met almost everyone, but that's Rosalie-"
"Get in my way and you'll walk with three legs for the rest of your life, dog." Rosalie glared -having already heard Alice's story- but we all ignored her.
"She's special, don't bother listening to her. Now let's show you your room?" Esme jumped up and down.
"Absolutely not!" Rosalie and I yelled at the same time and Esme turned to give us a murderous glare.
"Excuse me?" She was incredulous. "He is our guest, and do I need to remind you" she pointed a finger at me "that if it wasn't for him your daughter wouldn't be here?"
"That doesn't take away the fact that he is a wolf, therefore he is dangerous and vulnerable if we put him in the middle of a house full of vampires. The dog stays out!" I barked.
"Esme, it's ok. I'm prepared," Seth showed her his stuff "really is right. It's better if I stay out of the house." Fido said kind of almost making me feel like crap.
Almost.
"Mr. Cullen? Really Edward? What are you, five?" Esme chided me before turning back to Seth.
"Seth," She frowned worriedly "you can't stay out in the forest you need a place of your own… Oh! I got it! The warehouse! We have a warehouse in the backyard, we can accommodate it for you in no time." Esme nodded to herself liking her idea.
Since I didn't care what the dog did unless it concerned my daughter I turned around and walked back into the house, leaving the madness behind. Esme going all over Seth and Rosalie questioning Carlisle on how he had accepted something so ridiculous, I just tuned it all out.
That's when Alice gasped and I froze.
"SHE IS TURNING ON HER PHONE!" She screamed, but I was already moving. I took out my phone and was dialing the number I already knew by heart as I had dialed it so many times the past couple of months.
My body was a block of ice as I heard the tone dial.
Oh god, was this it?
…
…
Please angel, please… pick up.
…
…
Pick up. Pick up the phone.
C'mon!
…
…
The whole house was eerily silent, not even breathing waiting for anything.
Then, someone picked up.
"Bella!" I cried, but no one said anything. "Bella? Are you there? It's me, Edward…" I walked out of the living room and run straight to my room wanting as much privacy as possible.
"Bella?" I tried again, but again no one said anything. I could only hear a shaky breathing on the other side of the line.
"Bella, angel I know you are there. Please say something." I begged, my heart about to come out of my chest.
Nothing.
"Bella, please… tell me where are you? I've looked for you everywhere… please angel, come back. It doesn't have to be like this… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you have no idea." I said, barely able to keep it. I couldn't lose it.
"Bella? Can you hear me?"
I sat on the edge of my couch and pinched the bridge of my nose. Why wasn't she saying anything? My heart fell when I realized she didn't want to talk to me. I guessed this was going to be a one sided conversation.
"Bella, please tell me where you are. It doesn't have to be like this, let me help you. It doesn't have to end like this. For our daughter, please let me save you."
I heard a whimper.
A whole minute passed and she still had yet to say something, I bit my knuckles for a second so I wouldn't scream at the excruciating pain.
"She is perfect you know?" I said shakily "God angel, I have no words, she is… god Bella you were right, she is amazing, so beautiful and perfect I don't think I'll ever thank you enough for her." My voice cracked.
…
…
"I took her to Forks yesterday, I went to see Jacob… I showed her your old house, I took her to our meadow… you should have seen her face." I smiled brokenly at the floor remembering our day.
I heard sniffing.
"She is always asking for you… she needs you too. Hell, I need you. I'm so sorry you have no idea how sorry I am. Please, I'll go wherever you are… just, please."
…
…
"Bella, please talk to me… I need to hear your voice." I cried, losing all the strength I had. So I decided to just tell her all.
"Angel, please… I'm so sorry you have no idea how sorry I am. I shouldn't have left, I'm sorry I did, I didn't want to. I thought it was for the best but god how wrong I was. I was so stupid… I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry for what I did… please angel come back. Let me explain." I begged desperately.
"I love you angel, I never meant what I said, it was all lies… I swear, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love y-"
"Why are you being so cruel?" A shaky voice interrupted me.
"Bella!" I could almost feel my heart restart at the sound of her voice "Bella, god angel! Where are you?! I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm sorry pleas-"
"Stop." She breathed. "Stop saying those things. Stop lying to me." She rasped.
"What?" I asked incredulous "But Bella, it's the truth! I'm not lying I swear! Please let me find you so I can explain! Let me save you! Please! I only left so you-"
"Goodbye Edward."
"What?! No! NO NO! Bella wait!"
The line went dead.
"NO!" I cried "BELLA! BELLA!" I yelled at the phone "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry." I started sobbing again. "BELLA!"
I dialed again with trembling fingers, but her phone was off.
She didn't believe me.
"Aaaghh!" I screamed, letting the pain run all over my cold hard body. I started trashing things around my room losing it, the pain being too much I needed a way out. All my old records, books, stereos, CDs, everything that once had been so precious to me but now paled in comparison flying everywhere.
She doesn't believe, she prefers to die before having to see me again.
She hates me.
My fist connected with something, and a loud bang resonated. But I didn't care, I just wanted to feel pain, physical pain. Something to wash out the inner pain, something to take it away. I wished I could feel pain, I wish Emmet was here so he would punch me again.
This could not be happening.
There was knock on my door.
"Go away!" I yelled at Carlisle, but he didn't listen to me and opened the door. "I said go away!" I whirled around to glare at him.
He had a pained expression, and I looked away so I wouldn't see his eyes clutching my hands into fists. I had enough just by hearing his mind.
"God Edward, what did you do?" He looked around incredulously.
"Tell me what you came to say and leave me alone! Tell me you are disappointed in me, tell me I deserve this and go!"
"Edward, first of all stop raising your voice, you are going to wake up Lizzie."
I was actually surprised she hadn't woken up yet.
"And I didn't come here to say that." He closed the door behind him and looked around again "This is not you son, I know it's a difficult time for you but you are not the only one suffering here. You have to control your emotions, like the rest of us."
"What do you know about what I'm going through?"
It was his turn to glare.
"You think we all have been looking non-stop as a favor to you? You think we are not hurting too because of this?" He said in a hard tone "This is not just about you Edward, there are more people suffering, we are all loosing someone too, Esme and I are losing a daughter, Alice is losing a friend, Emmet is losing his sister, Lizzie is losing her mother."
"And what do you expect me to do?! To just put a happy smile on my face and act as if nothing is going on!"
"YES! That's exactly what I expect you to do!" He closed his eyes, took a calming breath and lowered his voice "Edward, you have to start accepting the inevitable-"
"No, no no no no!" I shook my head stubbornly "No! Why are you telling me this!"
"Because you need to be prepared!"
I started to walk away, closing in myself again.
"Edward, you listen to me and listen right! You can't lose it like this again you have a daughter who is going to need you. We can be there for her too but it's you she needs, think of her. Just because you know what she likes to eat or you make sure she is warm at night that doesn't make you a father!"
"I can't do this now, has Emmett called?" I changed the subject.
"You know Edward you asked me if I was disappointed in you. If that's what you want to hear then fine, I am disappointed in you. But not because of the mistakes you made as you think, I'm disappointed in you in the way you are handling everything."
I stared at him dumbly.
"The only thing I hear coming out of your lips is I can't lose her, I can't do this, I can't live without her, I need to find her... I, I, I, me, me, me… there's a three year old girl three doors down who is going to have it rougher than you."
I closed my eyes, fighting off the waves of pain.
"She is going to hate me when she finds out I'm the one who killed her mother." I said with hate.
"It's not your fault Bella's sick, you don't have to beat yourself for what's happening to her, maybe it wasn't meant for you to save her after all, but Lizzie is here now. She needs you now, stop being so selfish and start thinking about her too."
"But I am thinking about her! That's why I'm looking for her mother!"
"I know that, I'm not saying you don't care about her or that you don't love her. I'm saying you need to control yourself, and start preparing for what's coming. How are you going to be of help when Bella dies and you flip the moment Lizzie starts crying for her? I know you are hurting but you need to put those feelings aside and stat thinking of Lizzie's wellbeing."
He sighed.
"You made a mistake, and now you are paying for them. Sadly, your mistakes are not only affecting you. The least you could do is make it right by the only person you can, you are not a real teenager, you are a man. Act like one."
I looked down at my feet, ashamed of myself and my behavior. But what was I supposed to do? Bella just basically told me to give up on her. She didn't believe a word I said, she called me cruel, a liar and then said goodbye.
"Bella's not dying." I said, but somehow even I couldn't believe my words.
"Well, you are not saving her either. She made her wishes pretty clear."
"I'm not going to stop looking for her." I glared. "I'm not giving up!"
"No one's stopping."
"Then why would you make sound it like you were?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose before looking up at me again.
"We'll look for her because you need closure, you need to talk to her. I can't have you drowning with guilt for eternity."
With that he walked out of the room.
"Maybe that's what I deserve." I muttered to myself.
I look around my room and sighed, bend down and started picking up my stuff again. Throwing away what was already broken beyond repair while Bella's words were on repeat in my head. Her words hurting like a knife, ripping and splitting what was left of my broken and silent heart.
"Why are you being so cruel?"
"Stop saying those things. Stop lying to me."
It was kind of a sick joke, that in the end it happened what I had aimed for. Bella believed my words and decided to live her human life, no matter how short it was.
I hear Lizzie whimper on her room and I'm out of my room in a second, I open the door and sigh in relief when I see that she is still sleeping, but there's a frown on her face. My guess was that she was having another nightmare. Quietly I close the door behind me and go and lay with her, wrapping my arms around her.
"Shhh… it's Ok, I've got you." I whisper quietly, kissing her forehead. "I'm here." Her frown disappears and I can breathe again.
I held onto my daughter for dear life as I remembered Bella's broken words. They are on a loop in my head.
"Why are you being so cruel?"
"Stop saying those things. Stop lying to me."
I close my eyes and burry my face on Lizzie's hair, needing her scent just to breathe. She was the only thing holding me here, my only reason to continue. She let's go of her blankie and I took her hand.
I gasp when I realize she has let her guard down and I can see her thoughts. Or dream by the looks of it.
I shut my eyes close when I'm assaulted by the colorful images, and bit my knuckles so I won't lose it again. She is dreaming about us, but not only me and her… Bella's there too. The three of us are together, in the middle of our meadow. It's a beautiful image, but what makes it more painfully beautiful is that we are all the same. Bella's sparkling too, the sun hitting her face making her even more beautiful.
How is it that on her I can only see beauty whereas when I look on the mirror I only see repulsion?
Lizzie chasing butterflies, Bella and Edward sitting together with Edward's arm protectively around her.
Lizzie running back to her parents, a wide smile on her face.
Edward and Bella laugh as Lizzie throws herself at them.
It so obvious what we are, we are a family.
A happy family.
I stare down at my daughter, my heart fluttering at the small smile paying on her lips.
"She becomes like him." Lizzie had said earlier while talking about Fiona. Is this what she wanted? Did she want her mom to become like me? Has she finally realized what needed to happen to save Bella?
As I replay Lizzie's dream on my mind, one thing is clear.
I'm not giving up.
I won't give up until I receive that call from the hospital. I'm not giving up until I find her and make her listen to me. If I have to grovel and beg by her feet I will. She has to listen to me, she has to know the truth before she makes a decision.
"I'm going to find you, angel."
Damn! That was kind of harsh but, Edward got himself in all this mess after all. Let's see how he fixes it! Preferably before it's too late!
Awww Esme is going to go all mama bear on Seth, and Carlisle was nice to him too, at least he will have a few allies in a house full of hostile vampires.
What did you think about the Shrek's story? You think it was spot on? You think there's more into it? You think Bella's sending a message?
Poor Bella she is suffering wherever she is!
Please review! I need to know how I'm doing and what you think so far!
Saludos!
tpec