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Ok, I'm kind of nervous but... if you want to I'll hold your hand through this! I warned you this would be an angsty ride!

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Chapter 11: My Immortal

"My Immortal" - Evanescense

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I stare at the phone in my shaking hand. With a loud cry, I throw it with as much force as I can muster against the wall. It shatters and flies in every direction, I fall on my knees feeling suddenly weakened beyond belief. Sobs break out through my chest making my whole body shake and ache with pain, my head hurts and I bring my hands to my head trying to pull at my hair.

I let out another scream as I realize that I can't.

More sobs come out of my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I pull myself up, but I'm too weak and fall back on my knees.

How dared he?

How dared he lie to me? Does he think so little of me? Does he think I'm stupid enough to fall for it?

Days ago, when the phone rang with its unknown number, I had hesitated. Fearing it would be him, I was afraid to hear his beautiful velvety voice so I had let it rang until I caved. Maybe it wasn't him? Why would he call? I already had freed him from his guilt in my letter.

But I was wrong.

When I heard his voice, at first I thought I was hallucinating again. It's been happening more often now that I'm dying. I see him everywhere, sometimes I wonder if it's really him. But he would smile and look at me as if he loved me and I knew for sure it was a dream.

Last time had been this morning, when I woke up throwing up in the can next to my tiny bed. He would be there, sitting next to me and soothing my back, helping me hold the can, when I still had my hair he would even hold it out of my face for me.

But now, he just sits there. Saying sweet nonsense attempting to make me feel better. Soothing me and being with me through these dark times, keeping me company, watching over me at night as he used to.

I remember how the hallucinations started. That night a few days after he left when Charlie made me go out with Jessica. We were coming out of the theater and I was in my zombie state until I heard some laughter and I saw them. I felt a pull towards them, but in my zombie like state I didn't realize what I was doing until I was in front of them. They stared at me with their eyes roaming over my body with lust. I had felt a shiver run all the way down my spine, fear locking me in place I had been so out of it for days it took me by surprise how suddenly I was aware of everything. That's when I saw him, his enraged beautiful face yelling at me to turn around. At first, I was sure it was him until Jessica grabbed me and tried to pull me away.

"Bella! What the hell are you doing?! Let's go!"

She was pulling me away from him.

"No! Edward!" I screamed after him, why was she taking me away from him? No!

"What?!" Jessica looked at me incredulous "Are you crazy?! Let's go!"

"No!" She was taking me away "Edward!" I screamed again and again.

"What's up with her?" The big guy asked.

"He is not here!" Jessica was looking everywhere not knowing what to do with me.

I looked back at where he was supposed to be only to find he was gone, the guys were staring at me as if I was crazy and walked back into the bar.

That's when I realized what had happened. I remember falling to my knees and start bawling my eyes out. Jessica debated between taking me to a hospital and calling Charlie. She opted for Charlie and he immediately came to pick me up.

Jessica never talked to me afterwards, neither did anyone at school but Angela, although it didn't matter since I didn't talk back.

But I needed to see him again, not matter if it meant I'd go mental. So I started looking for reckless things to do. I didn't know how to start, since Forks was a little boring town and I had Charlie breathing over my shoulder.

I remember I tried to stop eating, but for some reason it worked the opposite way. I started eating like crazy, at the time I thought it was for comfort but a few weeks later I understood the reason.

Days passed after the Port Angeles incident and I needed to see him. I kept waking up at nights, screaming for him. During the day, I'd be angry, sad and numb at the same time. Even I couldn't understand my mood swings, it was driving Charlie crazy. The only thing I knew was that I needed to at least hear him again. One day an idea came to mind, something I'm not proud of.

I roll up my sleeve and to stare at my old scars, tracing my thumb over the thin lines.

I remember being in the bathroom, cutting with my father's razor while I heard his voice, screaming at me. Begging me to stop.

"You said it would be as if you never existed." I'd say back with angry tears, cutting deeper.

I only got the chance to do it two times when Charlie caught me. I remember his face vividly.

I feel a pang in my gut and taking what's left of my energy I ran towards the bathroom. I kneel in front of the toilet and start heaving violently. I haven't eaten much, so it's mostly bile.

After Charlie caught me, he had removed all things sharp around the house. I remember that night like it was yesterday. All the yelling and crying, how he begged me to help me, to take me out of this town, to take me to Rene but I refused. I didn't want to go, I couldn't.

I was afraid if I left, I wouldn't see him again.

After that, Charlie started spending more time in the house, he unscrewed the door to my room and removed it, as well as curtains, mirrors and anything it could break or would give me any ideas.

When I'm done vomiting, I rest my head on the cold tile and close my eyes as I lay there in the bathroom.

More days passed and I needed to see him. I had this urgent, desperate need to see his face. I needed his words, his presence, him. I was afraid because I know something was wrong with me, I started getting sick in the mornings and my mood swings were getting worse. My body was strange too and I couldn't understand why. So I went for a drive, looking for ways to see him, looking for him. That's when I saw the cliffs.

I remember the wind caressing my face, my hair flying freely at my back.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, waiting for it.

"Bella, this is madness."

There it was.

I took a step forward.

"Bella!" he yelled in his sweet velvety voice "Stop! Don't do this, you promised!"

"You promised you'd never leave me too." I choked out as tears sprung out of my eyes.

Another step forward.

"Bella! Don't you dare!"

"You won't be with me any other way!" I cried. "You broke your promise!"

I'm on the edge now.

"Bella! Think of Charlie!"

"I'm doing him a favor." I argued back, he must be getting tired of me too. Just like him, it won't be long before he sends me away too.

I'm not worth anything, I'm nothing.

He left.

I was just a distraction.

"Bella! Don't do this!"

"You said it would be as if you never existed! You lied!"

I jump.

"NO!"

Jacob was there on the beach with his friends, he saw me fall. He had immediately jumped into the water after me.

Now, I see how stupid and reckless that had been. It was only days later I found out about her.

She was what really saved me. It was only for her that I promised to get better it was for her that I came out of my zombie state. My baby needed me, my little nudger and I think I needed her more. Thanks to her, I didn't become crazy… or crazier.

My Lizzie.

I let out another cry. I miss her so much I miss her chimed like voice, her giggles and warmth. She could illuminate a whole room just with her smile. I remember the first time I saw her, when Sue handed her to me when I woke up after the birth. She was so beautiful, even more because apart from my eyes, she looked so much like him. It was as if I still had a part of him with me. I saw him in her bronzed hair, pale skin and crooked smile. Then she had this magical aura around her that made her just as amazing.

Unlike me.

The boring, meaningless human.

I open my eyes again and tried to help myself up. I pull myself up with the sink, my chest heaving, begging for air with the exertion and I rest my elbows on the sides trying to regain my strength. That's when I look up and see myself in the mirror.

My face contorts in disgust as I see my features. My cheeks are hollowed, my skin looks disgusting, even worse than when I was pregnant, I have bruises on my arms and purple shadows under my eyes, my lips are chaffed and my eyes are hollowed. What I hate the most, I don't even have hair to cover my horrendous face.

No wonder he left.

I'm not pretty, nothing is interesting about me. I'm plain, boring and just human nothing else.

Just a distraction.

"I don't want you anymore."

I wasn't enough then, I sure as hell I'm not enough now.

That's why I saw through his lie.

I couldn't believe he could be so cruel. How could he say he loves me just to make me feel better now that I'm dying? I can't understand him, especially when he offered to change me out of pity. Now, I might be worth nothing but I still have my dignity, and I refuse to spend eternity surrounded by people who didn't want me around in the first place.

Of course, I knew they wouldn't treat me like shit. They are too good for that, Esme would go out of her way to make me feel comfortable –again out of pity- but deep down I know I would only be a nuisance. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad if I was a vampire since they wouldn't have to be taking care of me like before as a clumsy human but I know my presence would bother them. There's a reason why they left, I didn't mean much to any of them. I was just the once loved pet, tossed aside when the novelty passed.

But, I'm not really mad at them. They didn't owe me anything, they didn't make any promises. They didn't lie to my face, of course it hurt anyway but I can't exactly call them out on it. I know somehow they cared for me they do have wonderful hearts and souls, so I can't blame them if they got bored and just left town for something more exciting. It's their right, I'm sure they had met more humans through the years like me, who they befriended just to meet new people.

So I don't blame them for leaving, although I'm still hurt by their sudden absence.

It's him I'm mad at.

Not for leaving me, I would have understood it he had been honest since the beginning. I'm mad because he lied, because he made me believe in his words, made me fantasize and fall in love with him. I'm mad because he used me, because he betrayed me. Because no matter what he did, I still love him so much I would trade my soul for him.

I'm torn between love and hate. Love because how couldn't I love him? His broken soul spoke volumes of who he was, he was kind, generous and good. He had a gentle soul, and deep down I know he was good. I saw it in his eyes, how he was haunted by his past and by what he did all those years back. I could see his soul, the soul he claimed he didn't have.

I knew he struggled with what he was, he hated his true nature but I also understand he couldn't help his needs. He must have felt trapped in this little town, pretending to be something he wasn't, and I couldn't keep up with him. I would have understood that, but he lied.

That's why I hate him.

He said he loved me, he made me believe him. Why would he do that? Wasn't it best if we had been honest with each other? I would have still wanted to be with him and he would have gotten what he wanted, -which my guess was company- I was too deep to care but he didn't.

He lied.

That's why it hurts, every kiss, every caress, every word, promise, every I love you was a lie. I should have seen it coming I know how much of a good liar he was. But in my daze I believed everything he said to me, probably taking pity on the human. A charity case.

I know what made him drop the act, what made him think it was enough.

My birthday.

I was inadequate. I couldn't give him what he wanted so he gave up on pretending for me.

He said it once.

"I may not be human, but I am a man."

I wasn't good enough, I knew it since the beginning I knew it didn't make sense for him to love me. I was so stupid, he made me believe otherwise, and probably thinking he could get at least something out of it. But I failed again.

I saw his disgust the next morning he wouldn't even look at me. Of course, for me it had been amazing, the best thing that ever happened to me, I loved him and I gave him all of me. But it wasn't enough for him, I'm just plain Jane, nothing exciting, I was too skinny, too small, and too fragile. Of course that was the last straw.

There was nothing in me that could hold him to me.

I see my reflection again, and scream at the burn of pain in my chest. The edges of the hole where my heart used to beat, feeling like catching fire. I grab the glass where my toothbrush is and throw it against the mirror. I hate my face I can't recognize my face anymore. It breaks in hundred pieces and everything falls to the ground.

I kneel on the floor, feeling the glass cut through my knees and I cry again but at a different pain.

Why would he lie to me again? Hasn't he hurt me enough already?! Why was he so cruel? Telling me he loved me so he could get rid of his guilt?! I'm not stupid I'm not that little immature teenage girl anymore. I won't fall for it again, and even though I wished there was some way I could see my daughter grow, I don't want to be a nuisance for eternity. I don't want his pity I don't need him or his favors. I don't want his lies or his protection. I don't want anything from him.

I cry again because I know it's a lie.

I do want him, I still love him and I wish I could see his face once again before I die. But that's impossible, I don't want him to see me like this. If I wasn't pleasant to look upon then, much less now.

"Bella?" There's a soft knock on my bathroom door.

"I'm fine." I choke out but she doesn't listen to me.

She opens the door and lets herself in, she gasps when she sees me on the floor and hurries to help me.

"Oh, Bella dear are you Ok?" Kaya says worriedly "I heard something crash?"

"Sorry," I mumble as she helps me out of the bathroom and sits me on the bed "I dropped my phone."

She looks around the room, until she spots what used to be my cell phone and looks sadly at me, not believing me.

"What happened sweetie?" she asks feeling my clammy forehead "You have fever." She tells herself.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I was about to go to the grocery store but I can stay with you and send Hania instead, he wouldn't mind."

I shake my head.

"No, I'm fine I promise."

"Alright, but Hania will be downstairs if you need anything and I'm taking the kids with me so you can rest."

"Thanks." I close my eyes feeling tired.

"Oh, and Quil will come by for dinner. I thought I should warn you."

My eyes water.

"Thank you Kaya, you've been so nice and understanding about it all."

"Don't even mention it sweetie, if you need anything just ring the bell."

I close my eyes and fall asleep.

I wake up sometime later, and see it's already dark outside. I must have slept the rest of the day, I've been sleeping more lately. I look at the alarm clock and see it's almost three in the morning. I'm unusually starving so I sit on my bed and close my eyes, waiting for the dizziness to pass. When I think I'm Ok I venture out of the room.

I always make sure no one is around when I walk out of my room I don't want to risk getting seen by someone –aka Alice- and figure out where I am. Just one person at the rez knows I'm here and of course Kaya and her husband. Even their kids don't know who has been living on the third floor for the past few months.

Thankfully I don't have to go all the way down the kitchen as I knew I would have fainted midway. At the top of the stairs there's a tray with leftovers from dinner. Kaya probably left it for me guessing I would be hungry latter. I take the tray and go back to my room sitting on the little table I have here. As I munch on my turkey sandwich, taking tiny bites so I won't return it I look around the blue room. It's empty, I didn't bring much with me, just a few clothes and dear personal stuff, like photos, books and Charlie's old Jacket. I wished it still smelled like him so I wouldn't feel so alone.

I look to my left and stare out of the window and up at the clear sky. I close my eyes and let the breeze caress my skin.

I wonder how Lizzie is, does she think of me? Is she Ok? He said she had been asking for me. I almost caved then thinking about my little angel crying out for me. But I bit my tongue she can't see me like this. As soon as the first strands of hair started to fall, I went to social services realizing I didn't have time. I had been Ok before I even responded to treatment for a while but suddenly I woke up with a bleeding nose and everything went downhill afterwards. The doctor increased the doses of medication and I became weaker, to weak they had to take her away from me and I had been given a time length.

I'm not scared of death, actually I have had enough for one lifetime. I knew love, friendship, I had dreamed, hoped, hurt and gotten my heart broken. Ironically, all the things he wanted me to experience. Now I was ready to go.

Sometimes, I question myself why I don't just end with all this madness once and for all. No one is coming for me, no one is expecting me back home, I don't even have a home. I don't have anything to live for, anything to hold onto. The beeper on my nightstand with my only salvation, it has been silent for months. I don't know why I still have it on I lost my hope a long while ago. If had the chance, I'm not even sure if I'll take it. What's there to live for?

She'll be better without me he could give her everything she needed. She was special like him, and even though I loved my daughter with everything I have, even I know I'm not enough for her. She needs him more than me she would be safe with him, so I'm not worried about her. She was like him, magical and so perfect I instantly knew he would love her as much as I do, no one could ever resist her sweet demeanor, even Leah with her bitchiness was pudding at her hands.

When he called, I felt my heart soar as he talked about her with devotion confirming my thoughts. And I felt a pang of jealousy that I won't be able to see my daughter again. I just wished I had the chance to see her grow, to see her happy, at least to see her smile one more time.

But that can't be.

More tears fall freely down my cheeks, and I pressed my hand over my chest at the ripping pain, trying to hold my body together. Why do I keep torturing myself? Hadn't I suffered enough? Wouldn't it all be easier if I just remove myself from this planet? There's no use of wasting Kaya's time, I'm just a waste of breath there's no hope for me. How much time do I have left anyway? Just a few weeks? I'm in a lot of pain already, and it will only get worse. My sight is already failing me and I'm sleeping more and more.

I stand up forgetting about my food and sit on my bed, open the drawer on my nightstand and take out the photos. First, there's the picture of Charlie and a tear falls on top of it.

Apart from Lizzie, the only person that has ever truly loved me. I miss him so much, I wish I hadn't been an idiot those last few weeks and spent more time with him. I miss the comfort of his presence. The smell of vitamin R mixed with his after shave every time he hugged me. I can't believe I didn't come to live with him sooner, or that I made a better effort to come and visit him more often, I missed so much time with him and I regret it. I wished I had called him dad more often funny how one word could suddenly turn so powerful in meaning. My dad. He was my dad he loved me and took care of me in my darkest time. And I never thanked him. I can count with one hand the times I told him that I loved him, and I was ashamed of myself. I wish I could go back in time and tell him more no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it was to express our feelings.

"I'm so sorry… daddy." I breathe and kiss the photo "I love you. Hopefully I'll see you soon and I tell you to your face."

I place the photo on my pillow and see the next one. It's a picture of Rene and Phil my tears come down harder as I see my crazy's mother smile. She looks so happy with Phil and I'm glad –no matter how things turned out between us- that she has someone who will take care of her. But I can't regret cutting ties with her, yes I was hurt when she told me to get rid of my little nudger, that I wasn't ready and couldn't do it but in the end I think it was for the best. Otherwise, I don't know how I would have explained Lizzie's fast growing. But still her words hurt she too thought I was inadequate, useless and lacking.

Next it's a picture of my friends at La Push, we are all at a bone fire. I chuckled as I remember that night. They all could be big goofs, I missed them too. After we got passed our differences after Lizzie's birth we became so close. I was still cautious with Lizzie around them, but when there were gatherings like this Sue would take care of Lizzie and Jacob and Emily would drag me out of our little cabin to go and have some fun too. They helped me forget too, or distract me about all the things happening in my life.

Then there's a picture of my baby girl, and I cry harder. I hug a pillow to muffle the sobs, I don't know what hurts more, my bones and body because of the sickness or my heart at not having her with me. She was my sun, the only thing that kept me going, for her I didn't give up when Charlie died, for her I stood up every morning after I found out about my sickness, for her I went through a lot of pain during the pregnancy and I would do it again.

She was so beautiful, so perfect she was worth all the pain. Everything he made me go through.

My Lizzie, my little nudger.

The fear I went through when I learned about the wolves wanting to get rid of her is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was a thousand times worse than when I was in that studio with James. A billion times worse. I had desperately tried to reach him, searching for help. I even entertained the idea of going to Denali in search of his cousins but I couldn't go out of the cabin, it was too dangerous and neither Jacob nor Emily would let me go alone with the rest of the hostile pack out there.

I was so scared, I've never felt so alone and it only made matters worse when I didn't understand what was happening to my body. I saw it in Jacobs eyes he was about to give in and get rid of the baby as she was killing me. Hadn't it been for Leah, Seth and Emily I don't know how things would have turned out.

"I miss you baby girl." I whimper "I'm so sorry for leaving you."

And lastly, there's him.

With his perfectly defined face gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair. Then my eyes scan my ugly form next to him and I wonder how I had been so blind. I look so hideous next to him, so out of place. I rip the picture in half and ball my half in one fist then turn back at his half.

My fingertips trace her magnificent form of his, and I wonder if there had been something I could have done to hold him to me. Maybe if I had died my hair blonde? Guys like blondes right? Or maybe if I had listened to Alice and wore make-up and heels?

I shook my head to myself, knowing I wouldn't be able to pull it off but at least I would have tried.

My head is pounding again with all the crying and I'm suddenly gasping for air. I close my eyes and try to breathe in evenly.

I open my eyes again and stare at him it seems to help a little.

I hate you, I love you and I hate you again. I can't win.

But I guess… I should be thankful too. He did give me so much and I'm not just talking about our daughter. Even if they didn't mean anything for him, I will always cherish those moments we had together, that first kiss, that first date. How he will hold my hand when we walked into the cafeteria how he will tell me he loved me. Even if they where lies… as they say ignorance is bliss.

But he left.

He broke the spell, took my soul and left my hollowed body behind. I know I said I forgive him in my letter, but that had been more for him. I know him and I didn't want to make him feel guilty for the rest of eternity.

So I lied too.

I never read his letter, the one he sent me with Mark, I didn't want more pity or more lies. It's useless, I don't think I'll ever forgive him, I love him like anything else but the pain is too great.

And I can't stand it anymore.

I can't continue like this.

Slowly, I stand up from my bed and walk towards the bathroom. I see the shattered mirror around me and kneel again taking a large piece with a sharp point. I can see my reflection though the broken mirrors and I make a face of disgust, my eyes hating what I see.

I swallow as I stare at it, but I'm not scared. I'm just afraid it would hurt.

I shake my head again.

"Bella."

"Go away." I tell him harshly.

"Bella, please… think of Lizzie." He begs.

"She'll be Ok you'll make sure of that." I grit out.

I press the sharp point over my wrist.

"Bella! Listen to me, put the glass down!"

"Why?! What's there to live for?!"

"Your daughter! Jacob, Seth, Emily, Rene, Phil, Alice, Emmet all of us! ME!"

I let out an incredulous laugh.

"Even in my hallucinations you are lying to me?" Well, to be fair I imagine what I want to hear.

I cut and a drop of blood drips down the edge of the glass.

"NO! BELLA! DON'T!"

"Shut up! Get out of my head! It's not fair!"

"Do it for Lizzie! Don't be selfish! Do it for her! Don't give up."

I ignore him and cut deeper. More blood starts coming out and as soon as the smell hits my nostrils I start to get dizzy again.

Too dizzy actually.

"Bella! Don't give up! For Lizzie, don't give up!"

I drop the glass not able to see anymore, and I feel my stomach churns again.

My vision gets blurry and I fall on the floor drifting into unconsciousness.

Somewhere far in the distance, I hear a beeping sound.

Ow! oh-ow! OW! *covers face with my laptop* Stop throwing rotten tomatoes at me!

Lol! Ok, some of you where asking for Bella right? Uhm well... here she is? or was? Idk... I don't know about you but My Immortal was my New Moon song!

Thank you so much for the amazing response this story is having! I can't thank you enough!

Now, what do you think? Who's Kaya? What will happen now?! Please please review! I want to know how I'm doing!

Poor Bella she was very fucked up, DAMN YOU EDWARD!

P.S. Don't forget to follow me on twitter for teasers during the week! And there's a new banner on my blog!

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Saludos!

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