I know, horrible can't even start to describe me! I'm so sorry! I know it took me a month to update but, as some of you know, I'm studying film production and sometimes my school projects consist on small productions and those take a lot of my time. Besides I work as a freelancer and sometimes my schedule is crazy because of that, and I have to maintain my scholarship and to top it all of I was in exams. As you see sometimes RL gets pretty busy.
Anyway, just so you know, I'll never EVER abandon my stories, I hate when authors do that and I do try to keep on schedule. I love to write, I want to be a screen writer so this is like disneyland for me as I get to practice creative writing with my favorite characters in the world!
WARNING!: Since I received a lot of mails and tweets from readers requesting an update and I didn't want to keep you waiting anymore, this chapter is not betaed or pre-readed, I'll post the fixed chapter once I get it back from beta, and I might change a few things in style or rhythm once I hear from my pre-reader but nothing drastic. You won't miss anything if you don't want to read it again =)
Disclaimer!: I'm NOT a doctor, so again I took some creative license here!
SM owns everything!
Chapter 18: Blind
"Blind" – Lifehouse
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor
It's almost dawn, Seth is asleep on the ground below me as I stayed in the same position at the top of the tree all night. I could hear Lizzie stir inside the cabin, she's an early riser, Bella used to be too but from what I got from Seth's thoughts she sleeps a lot more now, which is understandable since her body is still recovering.
My family finished the trail a while ago, leaving Seth and I alone in the woods. He crashed about three hours ago, but we are hidden so if Lizzie comes out she won't see him in his wolf form.
The sun finally comes up, it must be around seven now, and I know for sure Lizzie is up now. I can hear her quicker breathing and heartbeat. So I decide to let her know about my presence, dying to see her sleepy face. I leave the spruce and land on my toes on the ground, I follow the new trail until I enter the clearing.
"Good morning, little angel." I whisper and I hear her gasp.
"Daddy!" She whispers yell "Where are you?"
"I'm outside, princess."
A second latter I see her pop her head through the window.
"Hi!" She waves at me frantically, wearing that smile she only wears for me. "Momma's still asleep." She informs me as I walk towards her.
"I know," I whisper "I can hear her. Let her sleep some more," I'm sure she needs it "you wanna go for a walk meanwhile?" I said, any other morning I'd suggest a run but I didn't want to go very far and leave Bella alone.
As I stop by the window I steal a peek inside the cottage and se my angel's sleeping form on the bed. Her face was so peaceful, as if yesterday's pain never existed. She looked so beautiful, at ease… I wouldn't dare to wake her up. She needed to rest, and her needs came first, no matter how much I missed her eyes.
Lizzie seems unsure about my suggestion, her head turning from Bella to me and back to Bella several times. I understood immediately that she was afraid to leave Bella, probably fearing she might not be here when we returned. I perfectly understood that fear, me too was afraid this was all an illusion and that soon she'd just disappear again.
"We won't go far, I'll still be able to hear momma's heartbeat. I promise."
I just wanted a moment with Lizzie alone, wanting to know how she was handling everything that has happened the last twenty-four hours. I worried about everything being too much for her, she had gone through so many changes the past year and a half.
"Ok," She sat on the sill and I helped her get out of the house.
Looking for ways to cheer her up, I came up with an idea.
"We should do something nice for momma when we come back. How about if we make her pancakes, like the ones you like?" I suggested.
"Yes!" She beamed, jumping into my arms. "Momma loves pancakes with lots of syrup!"
"That's settled then." I laughed.
It felt so good to finally laugh.
"Where's Seth?" Lizzie looked around.
"He's still asleep, it's just you and me." I wink at her and kiss her nose, then I put her on the ground and take her hand, pulling us in the opposite direction from Seth. "Now tell me, did you sleep well with momma?"
Her face saddened.
"Yes, but I missed you."
"I missed you too, angel." I kiss her hand "But you are with mommy, that must make you so happy."
"Yes," She smiled as tears filled her eyes "I missed mommy a lot too I'm so happy she's here daddy. It's not a dream."
"No, it is not… although I understand why you might think that. So, I was thinking… we should do something special for momma today besides breakfast in bed. As a welcoming gift, what do you think?"
Alice wanted to throw her a welcoming party but I didn't think that was the best idea considering what happened last time.
"Oh!" her face lightened "We can take her out! Momma likes to be outside, she told me once when she was in the hospital."
I hid my pained face before Lizzie could see it.
Of course she'd like to be out doors now, after spending only god knows how long in hospitals, clinics and what not, she was in much need of fresh air.
"What do you think if we take her into town?" She can't do much exercise so a short stroll down the pier along the river will be perfect for her.
"Yes! Do you think she'll want to go to that café you took me once, too? The one with the pretty hot cocoa?"
I chuckled.
"I don't know," I'm not even sure if she is allowed to have caffeine, and she already had low tolerance to it. "We could ask her."
Swiftly, I pull her onto my back and instinctively she wraps her arms and legs around me, I jump into a tree, climbing till I reach the top and sit us in a thick branch.
"Are you cold?" I asked her, staring at her pink pajamas but she shook her head. Still, I sat her in my lap, covered her with the sides of my jacket and zipped us both inside making her giggle.
"It's like you have to heads!" She laughed and I smiled kissing her hair.
"I'm glad you find it amusing, cause I'm planning to have you here with me for eternity. Like those kangaroo we saw in Australia." I wiggled my eyebrows at her, she laughed at me hard so I stared giving her messy kisses all over her face.
"Dad!" She laughed harder as she tried to break free from her prison inside my jacket but I wrapped my arms around her in an iron grip. Making her laugh more as she tried to fight me of.
"Lizzie? Lizzie?!" I suddenly heard Bella's panicked voice.
Crap.
We were too far for Lizzie's hearing range, so she kept laughing even though I had stopped messing with her.
"Time to go, momma's up."
Lizzie's eyes widened and I saw the urge to get back to her momma. So I held her tighter and jumped back to the ground with her still inside my jacket.
"Seth?! Where's Lizzie?" I could tell Bella was about to go into hysterics.
"Calm down Bells, she's with Edward. I can hear them."
"Momma!" Lizzie screamed happily as we entered the clearing and I saw Bella's face go from worry, to relief, and the turn into one of annoyance.
"Elizabeth." Bella breathed as Lizzie wrapped her arms around her legs. "Don't ever leave like that again without telling me." Bella almost cried, then she looked up to me and glared "you can't just take her like that, you scared me!"
I was shocked.
"She was with me, she was safe all the time." I explained with a shaky voice.
"But I didn't know that! God Edward! I have no vampire abilities, I can't tell if she was safe or not, or who she was with! Don't ever do that again!" Her eyes filled with unshed tears and she hugged Lizzie tighter.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled looking down "I didn't want to wake you, and-"
"It wasn't daddy's fault momma, I asked him to take me for a run." Lizzie lied for me and my heart went out to her worried face. She looked so stressed about Bella being mad at me, it was so heartbreaking.
"It's Ok, princess. I'm sorry Bella, I didn't think… I won't do it again."
She took a calming breath closing here eyes. When looked back at me again she looked somewhat calmer.
"It's Ok, just… tell me next time."
We stood there on some awkward silence until Seth broke the ice.
"So, I can smell bacon all the way here from the house, I guess it's breakfast time. Wanna join us Bella? I swear to god, Esme does a mean omelet."
Bella actually cracked a small smile.
She was so beautiful.
"But daddy and I were gonna make mommy breakfast in bed."
"That's not necessary baby, but thank you." Bella smiled down at her "There's nothing in the kitchen anyway, we need to go to the grocery's store later today." She nuzzled her cheek.
"Are you sure?" I couldn't help to ask "you had a long day yesterday, you need to rest. We can bring stuff from the house and I'm sure Esme won't mind going into town for you."
"I'm fine. If I've survived shopping with Alice before, grocery's shopping will be like a piece of cake." She winked down at our daughter, who giggled happily. It made me smile too.
"Are you sure? It's pretty far, and it might get colder lat-"
"Edward," She cut me off with a glare "I said I'm fine." She gritted her teeth, controlling her temper but it still flared through her eyes. "I'm not helpless."
"I'm sorry, I just-"
"Hey Lizzie, If you beat me to the big house, you pick tonight's movie!" Seth interrupted me.
"Deal!" She beamed taking off at lighting speed with Seth on her tail.
"I just worry about you." I continued, once Seth had saved my ass once again.
"I said I'm fine. I'm not as weak as you think."
I frowned.
"I never thought you were weak, on the contrary. You are the strongest person I've ever known. I'm just afraid of something happening to you."
She rolled her eyes and walked around me in the direction of the trail. She was still wearing her pajamas, if you could call her set of sweats, t-shirt and hoodie that.
"Aren't you cold?"
"Jesus, Edward! Stop it! I don't need you to fuss over me."
"I just want to take care of you," I walked at her pace next to her "like I should have done three years ago." I said the last quietly, but she still heard it.
"Too late for that, and I'm nothing to you so you have no responsibilities towards me."
"But Bella, you are everything to me."
"I think I told you last night to cut that crap. Lizzie is not even here." She huffed.
I held in my scream. God, the pain.
"You also told me to prove it." I said seriously.
"I guess I did."
"That's what I'm trying to do here Bella, you really are everything to me."
"Words mean nothing, at least they didn't mean anything to you." She said, referring to my broken promises. "Your actions speak louder."
I grabbed her by her waist and rapidly but gently pushed her against a tree. Caging her between my body and the trunk.
"You are so stubborn!" I hissed quietly while she stared at me with wide eyes, her heart beat beating frantically. "I made a mistake, Bella. Why won't you believe me? Did you ever had even a little faith in me at all."
"I had faith in you, a lot of faith. I believed in you. God, I trusted you with my life!" Her voice shook "But you left me, you left when I needed you the most."
"I didn't want to leave."
"Well, it wasn't me who asked you to leave. You were the one who decided, it was your choice."
"Bell-"
"You choose your liberty and your distractions, and I don't blame you for that, I understand I was in your way. What I don't understand and why I'm mad about, is why you had to be so cruel about it?" Her eyes hardened.
"Bella, I'm sorry for how I left you that morning." My voice broke "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I panicked, why can't you see that?"
"If you were so worried about a few bruises, you could just have gotten me some painkillers, but you left instead. If you value my intelligence, please don't make such pathetic excuses."
"They are not excuses," I held her face between my hands "I left because I thought that was best."
"What was best for you! But what about me?! I've never felt so much like trash as that morning! So insignificant!"
"I told you! I was-"
"You treated me like a vile whore! You were just gone," tears fell from her angry eyes "you didn't even wake me up to let me know you were leaving, not even a kiss goodbye, nothing! Then you came back hours letter to just end things?! After that night of all nights?!"
I looked down, ashamed of myself.
"Bella," I breathed.
"I'm done with this!" She motioned between us "I'm done with you! I just want to enjoy our daughter, I've been away from her for far too long. Don't make me regret not listening to Jacob."
I took a step back.
"You'd take her away from me?" I asked aghast.
"Of course not!" She glared "I would never do that, but it would be so easy to take us back to La Push, and have her come and visit you every once in a while. Like I did with Charlie before going to forks."
Just the thought pained me. Last night was hard enough and I had her just a couple seconds away.
"Don't take her away from me." I begged, please "she's… she's everything to me."
"I won't, I'm just asking you to not make me regret my decision."
She stepped aside, pulling herself away from me once again and walked back to the big house.
I love you.
"More than yesterday." I whispered, before following her up the trail.
As we neared the house, I heard Lizzie and Seth banter about her breakfast.
"But I don't like eggs, you eat them."
"But Lizzie, you have to eat something. Or your tummy will be in pain later."
"But they smell." She whined, and I chuckled in spite of myself, making Bella eye me weirdly.
"Lizzie and Seth are arguing." I explained to which she rolled her eyes, I guessed this was as usual for her than me. I also caught a glimpse of a smile.
"That's not something new." She whispered before the house came into view.
We walked into the kitchen from the back door, Bella stopped on her tracks as soon as she saw the mountains of food in the breakfast table.
"Is someone else coming?" Bella asked wide-eyed.
"No, but I didn't know what you'd like." Esme appeared then, hugging Bella close to her before moving her to a stool next to Lizzie. "You must be starving, and Carlisle told me to make sure you eat lots of proteins and carbs. You are to skinny honey."
Bella's amused face quickly turned into one of annoyance.
"I can take care of myself."
"I know honey, no one's saying otherwise. On the contrary, I don't think I've ever met someone as brave and strong as you. We just want to help you, we do owe you a big one. Especially for bringing this little angel to the world." Esme caressed Lizzie's hair.
Bella seemed to choke at Esme's words, but she quickly recovered from her emotions and started placing some fruit on her plate before pulling Lizzie to her lap.
"It's still too much food." Bella mumbled.
"Oh, believe me. It's never too much with Seth around." Esme winked at Seth, who currently had stuffing his mouth with mini-muffins.
"Momma, I don't want eggs… they smell ugly."
"What do you want then?" Bella popped a grape into her mouth.
"I want your special pancakes! Daddy tried to make them a few times, they are yummy but not like yours." She smiled.
Bella laughed, and dear lord the sound was so good to my ears.
"Of course I'll make you special pancakes." Bella nuzzled Lizzie's cheek, it warmed my frozen heart to see my two angels interact. Bella was a great mother, and I could tell she loved to spoil our daughter as much as me, it didn't really matter what Lizzie ate, it didn't affect her. As long as she had something on her stomach for her hunger pains everything was Ok.
"If you want," I intercepted "you can just tell me how to make them, so you can finish your breakfast. You must be hungry." I offered.
"It's Ok, I miss cooking for somebody else than me." Bella said without looking at me.
"Can I help you, momma?"
"Of course, sweetie." Bella's eyes shinned with tears, and I remembered Lizzie's memories about her and Bella in the kitchen. This was something special for both of them.
"Can daddy help us too?"
"Of course." Bella said, not so excited anymore.
"You know princess, I'd love to help but I have to talk a few things with uncle Jasper…" I said, it was clear Bella didn't want me here and I truly wanted her to have her moment with our daughter without me spoiling it. "Why don't you come and look for me when you are done?"
"Ok." Lizzie mumbled. "But you are not leaving, right?"
I frowned.
"Of course not, I'll be just in the living room." I kissed her head.
Before walking out of the kitchen, Bella mouthed a "thank you" before looking back down to face our daughter in her lap.
With a sigh, I sat on the couch next to Jasper. He didn't acknowledge me, his eyes were glued to the TV. He wore a heavy scowl.
"What's going on?" I asked, just to make conversation for Lizzie's sake. I already knew what was behind that frown between his eyebrows.
"Why hasn't the Volturi done anything?"
"I'm sure they'll do something soon, it's been a while now."
"I know, but… it comes and goes, remember how it stopped for a while and now is back?"
"So?"
"It makes me think about their effectiveness…"
"No one can fight them off. Not with the evil twins at least."
"Exactly, which makes me believe they are doing something, maybe they killed the newborns last year, but didn't catch their creator? And he's acting again?"
I shrugged.
"He must be suicidal, then. Or crazy, if he already escaped once, the Volturi won't be happy he's mocking them."
It wasn't really our concern, Jasper's just reacting out of instinct and I was playing along. He was an army man, always on edge, his brain always going on about strategies and options. Calculating.
"Aren't you worried they'll spread? There must be around ten of them, and we are one of the closest clans."
"You think it's an army?"
"The pattern fits…"
"But Washington isn't claimed by anyone, it makes no sense. We were the only ones there when we left."
"I know, that's why I'm trying to figure it out. What's the point? Why taking the risk."
I sighed. I don't really care, maybe it was some old vampire gone mad.
"My only concern in this world is a crazy read-head running loose somewhere in Montana." I told him.
"She's not in Montana anymore, Alice saw her this morning going south." Emmet said, looking up from his Gameboy.
I frowned.
Why would Victoria go south? Maybe she gave up? I shook my head, It doesn't matter, she still has a target on her head with my name on it.
Alice showed me her vision from her spot in her room. She was still shopping for Bella online.
As Jasper and I continued to watch the news in silence, the house started to smell of sugar, chocolate and vanilla mixed together. It gave us a sense of warmth, homey. My body itched to go back to the kitchen and see my reasons for existing interact with each other. I could hear their giggles, laughs and soft conversations, but I wished I could see them as well. But I don't want to be greedy and lose her again, I still counted my blessings… she was back, I could hear her laugh again… her real laugh, I didn't have to use my imagination or resort to my old memories anymore. She was here, she was alive.
But I still miss you angel.
Getting bored with the news, I decide to play for a while. So for the next hour as Bella and Lizzie make and eat breakfast I quietly serenade them with Bella's lullaby. It killed me not being able to be part of their bubble, but I knew Lizzie needed to spend time with her mother, and me being there would make things awkward, and I didn't want to ruin their moments with my presence. Especially for Lizzie, I knew what it was to live without Bella.
After a while after they had eaten and cleaned the kitchen, Bella walked back into the living room with Lizzie in her arms.
"You are not my little baby any more," Bella chuckled "you are getting heavy. What's her physical age?" She asked me, but manage not to look me in the eye.
"Six," I answered as she sat with her on the love seat and Lizzie buried her face on Bella's neck, cuddling against her body "her growth has slowed down to a normal rate, that's why she is able to go to school now."
Bella nodded, caressing Lizzie's cheek with the back of her fingers and Lizzie stared at her momma's face, much like yesterday, afraid she would disappear.
I wished so badly I could sit with them and wrap my arms around both of them.
"Daddy says I'm healthy momma, he always makes sure I eat healthy, too."
"I know," Bella chuckled "Seth told me."
"You need to eat healthy too momma, at school I learned humans have to eat at least three times a day so they won't get sick. And I don't want you sick anymore."
Bella smiled softly at her as her eyes filled with tears and my throat closed.
"I know honey, speaking about that." Bella looked around "Esme?"
Esme appeared at the entrance of the living room.
"Yes, sweetie?"
"Can I borrow your car?"
I frowned. What about me?
"Carlisle took our car with him to work, but he'll be back around six."
"Where do you want to go?" I asked.
"I told you, I need to go grocery's shopping… and I'm running out of my medicines."
"I can take you." I offered in a heartbeat.
She rolled her eyes.
"I can go on my own."
"No, you can't."
"Excuse me?"
I sighed.
"I don't mean it like that, what I mean is that it's not safe."
"Seth can come with us."
"Seth's just a kid, Victoria would take him out in a second. Besides, he's gone."
She frowned.
"Where is he?"
"He went to see Jacob before he leaves."
"Oh, well… then-"
"I can take you, Bella." Alice suddenly appeared in the living room and I glared at her. But didn't hold it against her, she just wanted to connect with her best friend again.
"You don't mind?"
"Of course not! It'll be fun, I've never shopped for food… that I remember? Anyway, you and I will shop for food, yes! Oh, that'll be fun!"
"Ok?" Bella stared at her as if Alice had gone mad.
Maybe she had.
"And Edward can watch Lizzie meanwhile."
"I'm still coming with you." I interrupted.
Even if Bella was safe with Alice, I still wanted to keep an eye close on her. What if she felt ill?
"Of course dummy! We are all going!"
And I knew Alice's hidden agenda then.
I parked on the nearest spot to the entrance of Safeway, stepped out of the car and opened the door for Bella as Alice unbuckled Lizzie from her booster and helped her out too. As soon as Lizzie was on the floor Bella and I reached for her hand at the same time, my fingers brushing against her accidentally. Sending that familiar current from the spot our skin touched all the way up through my arm. Bella gasped, flinching again and I mumbled a sorry before going for Lizzie's other hand. The three of us walked towards the entrance then, with Lizzie in the middle both of us holding on of her hands as Alice followed quietly behind us.
As we entered the store, I grabbed a cart and sat Lizzie on the children's seat. She made a face of annoyance but didn't complain, she knew this was the only time I didn't relent. Whenever we were on a public place, she was supposed to stay on my sight and never wonder alone even if I could hear her. This was the only place were if we were attacked by unwelcome vampires it would be more difficult to protect her without risking exposure. Not that it would matter, I would face the Volturi's wrath a thousand times for her, but still why to temp fate?
"So Bella! Where do we start?!"
"Mhmmm, the vegetables section… I guess." She said pointing to the right where all the fruits and vegetables were.
The next hour, we spend it going aisle per aisle. Bella barely even looked at me, and Alice was in charge of making conversation and making things less awkward, but even then Bella would barely acknowledge her so Alice turned to Lizzie. Thinking that if she kept Lizzie distracted, she wouldn't notice the tension emanating from Bella.
At some point, I could tell by Alice's expression that if possible she would be at the verge of tears at Bella's coldness towards her. And since I understood the feeling I could sympathize with her.
By now, we were in the pharmacy were Bella was going through different shampoos and conditioners. She wore a frown as she inspected the different brands and it was something that definitely caught my attention, she was never that picky over some stupid shampoo. Besides, she always used to buy the same strawberry scented one on her left. But clearly, she was ignoring it now.
"What are you looking for?"
I pretended not to pay attention to Alice's almost one sided conversation with Bella while I helped Lizzie choose a new toothbrush.
Bella shrugged.
"Shampoos."
Alice sighed quietly.
"I know that, what I mean… why do you look like you are solving a math problem?"
"I'm trying to see which one has more vitamin H."
"Why do you need biotin?" I asked with a frown.
"Makes hair grow faster." She said avoiding my gaze as always.
"Oh," Alice said, for a first time at a loss of words "Well, you still have beautiful hair Bella, don't stress over it. It'll grow soon."
"Whatever," She sighed "I think I'm done." She threw a green bottle into the cart. "I just need to pick up my prescriptions. I'll be back in a minute."
"Ok," Alice said "I'll finish here for you."
"Thanks." And with that Bella walked to the pharmacy stall.
"Let's see…" Alice muttered to herself going through the contents of the cart. "We need to buy a few more of these," She hold up some soaps "the less we have to venture here the better. Oh! I know what's missing!" Alice turned around and grabbed a few boxes of toothpaste, tampons and more mouthwash. A second later, Bella was back and we headed for the register.
"Daddy, my tummy hurts."
"You hungry, princess?"
She nodded.
"Didn't you have breakfast this morning?"
That was strange, and I instantly worried. I had to almost beg her on my knees everyday to make her eat human food at least twice a day. She could usually go a couple of days without food before her body reacted, but I never let her do that. I hated for her to be in pain.
"Yes, but I'm hungry. Can we have lunch before we go back?" She asked sweetly.
"Sure, angel." I leaned down and kissed her nose. "What do you want?"
"Spaghetti."
"Of course," I chuckled "Italian it is." I playfully tugged at the laces of her red chucks.
Once we reached the register, I started loading the band with all the things. We had to take two karts since everything Bella picked either Alice or I would triple it. I didn't want Bella or Lizzie to need for anything, especially since we lived so far from town. Bella had just rolled her eyes at us, but thankfully didn't argue. She too understood it was easier and safer for Lizzie if she didn't moved around too much.
Bella started helping me unload the things and it caught mine and Alice's attention when she took out the pink boxes of tampons. I was too nervous to ask so I was thankful Alice was here.
"You don't need that? You prefer pads?"
Bella blushed.
"Ehmm, no. I don't need either." She mumbled awkwardly.
"Why?"
She distracted herself by loading the cereal boxes.
"I have early menopause."
"Because of the chemo?" I couldn't help but ask.
"No." She finally looked up, her eyes fleeting from Lizzie -who was busy reading the back of her favorite cereal box- to me a few times before finally settling her eyes to me.
"After the birth, there were some complications…" she started slowly, carefully. For some reason I was breathing hard. "They had to remove my uterus, bad infection."
I instantly looked away. I couldn't meet her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Bella" Alice whispered.
"It's Ok." Bella said as if it wasn't a big deal. "It could have been worse."
"Excuse me." I choked, before turning around and walking out of the store. I could feel their eyes burning on my back but I didn't care, I needed to get out a soon as possible.
Once outside, I walked across the driveway and into the forest. As soon as I was out of sight, broke into a run and let the sobs break through me.
Is there something else I can take away from her?
Can I hurt her anymore?
It was really ironic, to be honest. If it wasn't for the pain I would have laughed at myself.
I left her because I though I couldn't give her the good things in life, like a family. Turns out, I was wrong and not only that, I made sure she couldn't have one with someone else if she wanted to. Although the thought of her making a family with someone else angered me to no end, I loved her enough for wanting her to be happy first. And I took that opportunity away from her too. If I had been there, I would have taken good care of her, I would have tended to her wounds properly, I would have… I would…
I wouldn't have to worry about her trying to make a family with another man, that man would be me. We would be together, she probably wouldn't be sick and she would be by now one of us.
It surprised me the force of the pain, and I couldn't understand why it hurt me so much. Especially since I was determined to win her back, I shouldn't worry about her wanting to have a family with someone else.
It was with utter shock, that I understood the reason behind the pain. And again, I was so selfish for even thinking about it, especially after seeing Jacob and Seth's memories of her pregnancy. But, I think… I think somehow, my subconscious had this wish… this crazy, wonderful wish that maybe… Lizzie could have a little brother, in the future…
My eyes stung as my vision was replaced with this beautiful scene. Bella, Lizzie and I sitting around the fireplace in the cottage, Bella holding a little baby with auburn hair and brown eyes like his mother.
"Are you fucking done with the pain!" I yelled at no one. "I know I have sinned in the past, I know I have made mistakes, but I'm not in hell yet! No! Forget about me, what about them?! What have they done to you!"
I ended up on my knees, my chest heaving as if I needed oxygen.
"They say you are good, if you want to punish me for all I have done, hit me with a thunder. But don't drag them into these, please." I breathed "They don't deserve this."
My phone chirped and I took it out of my pocket to find a text from Alice.
We are done, hurry back. Lizzie is asking for you. –Alice
With a heavy sigh I stood up and tried to take a few breaths to calm myself. After a few seconds, I placed my mask back on and headed back to the store.
"I'm so sorry, Edward." Alice thought and I ignored her.
"You got everything you needed?" I asked Bella as I took the driver's seat, I could feel her burning eyes on me but for the first time it was me who ignored her questioning looks as I maneuvered the car out of the spot.
"Yes, thank you." She mumbled.
"Daddy, where were you?"
"I just needed some air, princess. It smelled really weird in there." I half lied but at least I made her giggle.
"Are we going to have lunch now?"
I chuckled with out humor. I just didn't have it in me right now.
"I have to almost blackmail you every day for you to eat something, what's with the urge now?" I looked at her through the rearview mirror.
She shrugged.
"Momma has to eat."
"I can wait till we get home, baby. If you don't want to, we don't have to stop for me."
"But, you have to eat momma. I heard daddy say you need to be healthy." She nodded to herself and I chuckled again.
She was so adorable.
"She's right," I said "it's lunch time for the human." I tried to pull our old inner joke, but there was too much tension in the car.
"I can an hour till we get home."
I shook my head.
"We are already here, it's Ok."
"Alright, but nothing fancy." She warned, knowing me too well.
"It's Sundre," I chuckled "Mc'Donalds is high cuisine here."
We ended in the only Italian mini restaurant in town, it was small just four tables and 2 booths but it worked. It had a homey feel and it was warm which would be great for Bella.
Once we were seated and given our menus, we were quiet again. And I went with Lizzie and I's charade where I would read the menu aloud for her. Bella found this very amusing, and my heart constricted when I caught her smiling our way.
"I don't know what I want." Lizzie said.
"What do you like the most?"
"I don't know, I'm between ravioli and spaghetti. Momma, you wanna share?"
"Sure sweetie."
Lizzie looked up to the waitress.
"Momma wants mushroom ravioli."
The waitress was amused, after a quick glance at Bella who nodded in return she scribbled on her pad.
Since Lizzie was still undecided about what type of spaghetti she wanted, the waitress went to place Bella's order at Alice insistence.
"I don't know daddy, I think I'm not hungry anymore." Lizzie said once the waitress was gone.
"What?" I asked dumbfounded and she just shook her head smiling sweetly at me.
"No, you know what… I just want a hot cocoa, like the one you promised me this morning." Then she turned to Alice who was beaming at her with a devilish smile that I instantly recognized. "Auntie Alice, would you take me while momma eats?"
"Of course sweetie!" Alice said a bit too eagerly "We'll be right back!"
Not two seconds had passed, and suddenly Bella and I were left alone with two big question marks on our foreheads.
What was that?
Bella and I stayed into a very awkward silence, which was broken a few minutes later when the waitress arrived with Bella's drink.
"Pink lemonade?"
"Thanks." Bella said politely, before going quiet again.
…
…
…
After a long minute, she huffed.
"We don't have to do this." She stood up, scrapping the chair against the hardwood floor but I grabbed her hand.
"Bella, please…"
"What do you want know?" Her eyes were angry, looking from my grip on her to my face.
"We need to talk."
Our eyes locked for an infinite minute, before she looked away out of the window and sit back down, retreating her hand and crossing her arms around her chest.
Please angel, let me in.
…
…
…
"I don't blame you," She said softly, barely above a whisper "that wasn't your fault."
"Can you please tell me what happened?"
I was such an idiot. I knew the conditions Bella had given birth into, and I still didn't stop to think if there had been consequences.
She shrugged.
"I couldn't exactly go to a hospital… Sue is the midwife of the tribe but my case was special, she tried to do her best but there was so little we knew about what to expect."
Her eyes were lost in the memory.
"It was a long delivery… I bled a lot, I had wounds… I kept bleeding days after Lizzie was born so Jake took me to a hospital in Port Angeles. I caught something… I didn't understand much, I just know I got an infection and they had to remove it before it spread."
"Angel, I'm so sorry." I tried to reach for her hand again, but she shrugged away. Her rejection felt as if a dagger was constantly stabbing my heart.
"It's Ok, it doesn't matter anyway." She wiped a tear away from her cheeks.
"Of course it matters." I said almost angrily but she shrugged, looking away again.
"It's not like I planned having anymore children. I don't really have a future."
"You should have anything you want, Bella."
She shook her head again.
"You don't get it, Edward. I have Lizzie, I can't… I can't go on with my life, I can0t risk her, she's the only thing I have."
…
…
"You'll have me. Always."
"You said something similar years ago."
O*O*O
The silence was making me insane.
"Say something," I finally begged as he turned onto the freeway.
"What do you want me to say?" he asked in a detached voice.
I cringed at his remoteness.
"Tell me you forgive me."
That brought a flicker of life to his face, a flicker of anger.
"Forgive you? For what?"
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."
"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut, that hardly deserves the death penalty."
"It's still my fault."
My words opened up the floodgate.
"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own, without someone throwing you into them, even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up, and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" I demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with." He growled.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please."
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."
He didn't answer. He glared through the windshield, his expression black.
I racked my brain for some way to salvage the evening. When we pulled up in front of my house, I still hadn't come up with anything.
He killed the engine, but his hands stayed clenched around the steering wheel.
"Will you stay tonight?" I asked in a small voice.
"I should go home."
The last thing I wanted was for him to go wallow in remorse.
"But… it's my birthday."
He remained quiet, his eyes lost in the dark forest in front of us.
"You can't have it both ways, either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."
His voice was stern, but not as serious as before. I breathed a silent sigh of relief.
"Ok, I decided I don't want you to ignore my birthday." I took his hand from the steering wheel and he stared at out entwined finger. "I love you." I told him, searching his eyes.
He swallowed.
"Edward…"
He was too serious, it scared me.
"Yes?"
My heartbeat suddenly went miles per minute, and his eyes finally met mine as he looked at me curiously.
"Since, it's my birthday… can I ask one more thing?"
…
…
"Anything."
I took an encouraging breath before unbuckling my seatbelt.
He stared at me curiously and I moved across the seats of my truck until I reached his side, my eyes never leaving his gorgeous face. Without breaking our gaze I threw one leg across him and straddled his lap. His eyes widened and a breath got caught in his throat as without a warning, I locked my lips with his.
I think we all understood what the last part is about, right? ;) For all of you who are requesting some love and sexy times... that's for you!
Now, I know a couple readers are saying that Lizzie is being a brat, but in my opinion she has gone through so much in a world she doesn't understand. She just wants to feel safe and be with her parents, she is just 4 years after all. She's scared of loosing them again.
Now, I promise on Robward's sexy hair that I'll update this weekend! I have a little break now, so that'll give me time to write this week!
Saludos!
Tammy