The city was sweltering. It was a heat unlike one you had ever felt before. Hot steam blasted up through the grates in the sidewalk as subway cars screeched past, hurrying towards their next destination. The sunshine was bouncing between buildings that stretched nearly to the clouds, trapping you in a bubble of humid, sticky heat with millions of other people also dripping sweat and rushing to make it to their next reprieve of air conditioning and ice-cold water.
As you made it to your building, you tried not to look down the block at the men sprawled on the sidewalk that always catcalled you whenever you chanced walking past. By the advice of your neighbors and some of the local workers, you steered clear of the little gang, having heard that they were up to no good. So long as you stayed out of their way and didn't interact with them, everyone assured you that you would be just fine. That didn't make wanting to come home any easier, though.
You had never been this far away from home before and certainly had never lived somewhere even a fraction of the size of New York City. But this place was your dream, this place felt like home. Well, at least the parts of it that didn't make your parents worry themselves into a tizzy. It had been less than a week since your dad and best friend dropped you off in your tiny two-bedroom apartment alone, your new roommate not moving in for at least 6 more days, to get used to the sounds and anxieties of living in the greatest city in the world.
With a little over a week until you were scheduled to start classes for grad school, no job, and no friends yet, things were getting pretty lonely in your apartment. Sometimes in the middle of the day, for no apparent reason, your sadness would hit you like a ton of bricks. It was like all of a sudden your entire body would slow to a halt, your chest would get tight, and tears would sting at your eyes. When this would happen, all you really wanted was some attention, some love, and a reminder that you were not alone.
But you had no idea how to ask for any of that.
You and Emily were no stranger to distance with her job. You met in Chicago when you were presenting research at a conference, and she was working on one of her first assignments with the FBI after graduating from Yale. You were still in undergrad just a couple of hours outside the city and she would use her free time to come visit you or to pick you up from the train station and bring you to her apartment. But between classes and her job, sometimes the most that the two of you could manage were FaceTime calls. And once the pandemic hit? It was a damn near miracle when you got to see each other. You two were regularly tested and were super cautious but sometimes the anxiety and guilt were too much and you couldn't bring yourself to sneak off to the city to see her, let alone go against the rules and sneak her onto your closed campus.
When you graduated this past spring, no one told you that Emily would be coming and you nearly cried as flung yourself into her arms upon seeing her, giving all the regulations a big fuck you to kiss her long and hard. She ended up coming home with you for a couple of weeks but eventually had to return to Chicago. Towards the end of the summer, she was offered a new position in DC, one that would allow her to go back to the academy to study profiling. Because of this move, she couldn't help you with your move and you had no clue when you would see her again. DC was closer to New York than Chicago, but she still felt an ocean away.
With these pangs of sadness and homesickness came the desire to pull away from the people you loved. All you craved was attention and care but your body was screaming at you to isolate, to shut down, to be alone. So when Emily got so busy with her training program that she hadn't reached out in a couple of days, you knew in the back of your mind that you couldn't call her. You just knew that no matter how bad you were feeling, how sad, how lonely, you wouldn't dare disrupt Emily's new normal, Emily's new life. You just could not bring yourself to even try to take up space, no matter how much you needed it.
That was how you found yourself curled up on the couch, watching reruns of Station 19, mouth slightly open as you zoned out with your eyes wide open, oblivious to the world around you. Some texts were exchanged with your best friends back home, some with your parents, but now you had no energy to do anything at all. Your first trip to campus to pick up your new ID had knocked you right out and you were exhausted.
The familiar boops and dings of an incoming FaceTime shook you from your stupor and you picked up the phone, seeing your girlfriend's face smiling brightly at you. It was a photo she had taken as a joke on your phone but she had caught herself mid-laugh and was adorable. You sat up straighter on the couch, fussing with your hair, and putting on your best happy face before answering.
"Hi," you said with a closed-lip smile.
Emily's hair was partially thrown up into a messy bun on her head, her bangs partly awkwardly around her glasses. She was still growing it out from the short crew cut she had been sporting when you first met.
"Hi stranger, I'm sorry I haven't called in a while," Emily replied, still smiling as she searched your face.
"It's okay, I get it. You're a busy lady. Gotta save the world and stuff." Your reply was more stilted than you had intended and Emily picked up on it immediately.
"Baby, are you okay?" Her brow furrowed as she rolled over in her bed to lean on her elbows, face cradled in her palms and phone resting against her pillow.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just getting used to the new city."
Being asked if you were okay was a surefire way to get you to cry, so you did your best to push the tears down. You knew your face was probably already bright red and your eyes a little swollen in the effort to hold in the tears, the bottom of your clear-frame glasses fogging from the heat radiating off of your skin in the cold, air-conditioned room. There was no way you could hide this from Emily. But you were going to try, nonetheless.
"You don't look very fine, sweetheart," Emily responded as she pushed her black frames up her nose. The glasses were a relatively new addition to her nighttime look. She didn't need the glasses during the day but at night, when her eyes were tired, they helped. The doctor said that she would probably need more full-time glasses in the next ten years or so, but you hoped it would be sooner because she was so stinkin' cute in them.
A sob burbled in your chest, threatening to drip from your nose if you didn't open your mouth and let it out. With a sniffle and a grunt, you buried your head in your arms as you folded one across your chest, the other still holding the phone shakily in front of you. Even though you and Emily had been together for over a year, being vulnerable with each other was a struggle. You both desperately wanted the other to let you in but sometimes the walls were just too high.
"Oh, my sweet love. I'm so sorry you're sad. I love you so, so much and I wish I could help you feel better."
Because Emily had moved around so much as a kid, she had never experienced homesickness before. When you told her about how in your first year of undergrad you cried every day from August until November, she almost couldn't believe that people could experience such a feeling of home that it made them physically ill to be away. But you, you were no stranger to the horrible, awful feeling of pouring yourself a glass of milk and crying because your dad likes to drink milk before bed with cookies or being frozen on the couch as you watch a comfort show because you realized that you won't have watch parties with your best friend anymore with her right by your side. Your home life certainly hadn't been ideal, that's why you fled to the other side of the country, but that place and those people were all you had ever really known and loved and every bone in your body ached when you let yourself slow down long enough to realize you're alone.
Emily repeated her affirmations sporadically as she let you cry. She felt helpless, like there was nothing she could do to make you feel better even though she wanted nothing more than to make all of your pain go away. As your cries slowed, you looked up at the screen to see a tear of Emily's track down her cheek. She was a softie when it came to you.
"I cried the other day because the pots and pans in my cupboards are the ones from home and it made me miss home," you said with a laugh, trying to break the tension.
"Oh, did you?" Emily asked, cracking a smile at the absurdity of your emotional triggers.
"Oh yeah, it was full waterworks like when I realized last year my cat snuck her favorite toy into my stuff for college."
You gave Emily a watery smile, signaling to her that you had cried yourself out and were feeling slightly better.
"Oh, I remember that day. How long had we been dating? Just a few months, right? And you had snuck me into your dorm to help unpack your things before all of your residents moved in."
You cackled, remembering hiding Emily in your walk-in closet when one of the resident assistants came knocking down your door with a problem and ended up sitting on your floor for over half an hour. When you finally opened the door for Emily to come out, she said, "you know, the least you could do is congratulate me for coming out of the closet, babe." You both laughed and you had kissed her soundly on the mouth before pulling her to the couch to sit and snuggle as you watched reruns of your favorite show.
"Yeah, and I was so convinced I would scare you away, crying over some silly cat toy."
Emily smiled softly at you. "It's not silly. She's been your cat since you were in kindergarten, you're allowed to be emotionally attached to her acts of kindness."
You blushed and readjusted on the couch. "Thanks, Em."
Emily sat and chatted with you for a while until she said that she had to hop off the phone because her mother had tried calling in three separate times and would probably riot if Emily ignored her call a fourth time that day. With a heavy heart, you let her go, bundling yourself up in a sweater, unwilling to turn the AC down knowing that tomorrow would be super-hot once again and your apartment would need all the help it could get to stay cool.
Around dinnertime, you made yourself get up from your spot on the couch and make some food. You hadn't been super good about making sure that you were making food for yourself on a regular basis because you had been so sad but tonight you were craving one of your favorite comfort foods and were determined to make it for yourself. Your roommate had just left for the evening, trekking back to Brooklyn because her bed still hadn't come in the mail yet. You were alone once more, but not feeling quite as bad as you did before Emily called. Being a grad student meant that you were poor, so you were definitely frugal with your meal choices. But, that also meant they were easy to make so within 15 minutes you were sitting back on the couch, content as can be with your meal and your show.
Only a few bites in, however, the intercom in your kitchen began to ring. You weren't expecting anyone, so it startled you before you slowly crept to the video screen, as if the person waiting outside could see if you were spying on them. What the feed showed, however, made your heart race and your hands start to flail around happily, a giddy squeal waiting in your chest to be released. Without a word, you unlocked the door and quickly picked up some stray things laying around. It felt like only moments when you heard the knock you were expecting.
Without even looking through the peephole, you flung open the door and threw yourself at the woman waiting anxiously outside with a big bag hanging off of her shoulder. Tears flooded your eyes and you couldn't make them stop as you smelled the familiar, comforting smell of Emily's lavender shampoo and warm perfume. Her toned arms wrapped around your torso, one long hand reaching to stroke your hair. Your excitement was bubbling from your chest as you clutched at Emily's shirt, a little damp from the sweat that accumulated walking from the subway stop and up three flights of stairs in the dog days of summer.
You didn't know how long you stood there, wrapped in Emily's embrace, before she gently pushed you back into the cool apartment, letting the door shut behind her.
"What are you doing here?" you asked, incredulous and in awe of your girlfriend.
Emily cracked a smile, dropping her bag on the floor before reaching behind her to lock the door—she knew you were always on edge about your door being secured.
"I was worried about you. I knew you were more upset than you were letting on and that you weren't going to tell me."
You went to argue but Emily put her hand up.
"No, babe. I know you weren't going to tell me you needed me and I know it's partially my fault."
A frown pulled at the corners of your mouth.
"No, Em. The way I act is my fault, and mine alone."
Emily stepped forward once more, pulling you in an embrace with one hand around your waist and the other tucking some hair behind your ear.
"That doesn't change the fact that you needed me and I have been MIA for what have probably been a very hard few days."
You looked down at your feet, knowing Emily was right that you had taken her radio silence as an invitation to isolate yourself.
"I'm not your keeper, Em. You don't need to be in constant contact with me. That's toxic, red flag behavior. You were busy and that was fine."
The words coming from your mouth were the truth, what you should be saying. But that didn't make the fact that you weren't fine with Emily leaving you all alone any less poignant.
"Baby, please," Emily said, cupping your jaw. "You're allowed to need me and you're allowed to tell me when I let you down. It's not toxic for you to be upset that I knew you were going to be homesick and not being thoughtful enough to at least tell you that I was getting your messages and too busy to answer because of work and training. I remember at the beginning of our relationship that we promised to always communicate our needs and a plan for when we can't meet them right at that moment. And I think this week you and I both haven't been doing a very good job at keeping up our ends of that bargain."
You stayed silent, worried Emily was upset with you. You knew you should have let Emily know you were struggling instead of just sending innocent messages about asinine things to get her attention.
"Hey, don't do that," Emily said as she pinched your chin between her forefinger and thumb, guiding your face to look at her once more.
"Don't do what?" you responded, confused. Emily had always been good at reading you but her profiling classes were making her even better.
"You're taking all the blame on yourself. Don't do that."
You smiled a little, snorting. "How do you do that?"
Emily pulled you in a little closer, kissing your nose. "You make this face when your emotions are overwhelming you. It's like you're a deer caught in headlights who just had a really bad day. And when you start to think bad about yourself or start to take the responsibility for something just to make the confrontation go away, you hunch your shoulders around your ears like you're trying to protect yourself or like you're trying to carry the weight of the world all by yourself. I knew when the muscles in your chest started to clench that you were shutting down."
Wide-eyed, you stared at your girlfriend. How she knew you so well, could read you so well was astounding.
"Those classes really seem to be working," you said as you laid your head on her shoulder.
Emily snorted. "I would hope so, they're eating up all my precious free time." Her hands trailed up and down your back as she rocked your bodies gently.
The two of you stood together in silence for a while before Emily spoke up again. Her voice had a bit of a waver to it like she was uncomfortable with what she was saying. It was almost as if she had been practicing it in her head for the entire four-hour trip from DC and still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, the safe thing to do.
"I—I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I knew that you were going to take this move really hard and I know that it's not necessarily my job to be in constant contact with you or to be in charge of making sure you're okay. But I knew you were going to be hurting and I didn't take the time to reassure you that I am here and that I love you and that I want to support you, even if my schedule isn't allowing me to be there for you the way I want to be. I knew you would need me and you've told me how hard it is for you to ask for what you need when you feel like a burden and I should have done better for you. I had the means to do better and I didn't. And I'm sorry."
Tears sprung at your eyes, so grateful that Emily knew exactly what to say to make you feel better, you make you feel seen, heard, and cared for.
"And I'm sorry I shut down and locked myself away. You can't help me if I don't communicate what I need. I should know better by now that I'm not a burden on you and that I hold a valuable space in your life." Your voice was equally as stilted and uncomfortable as you spoke. Neither you nor Emily were good with emotions, vulnerability, or communicating when you were hurting. But you made a promise to each other to try after an argument nearly ruined your relationship not too long ago. And it was uncomfortable, hard, and felt nearly unnatural to be so honest with each other and to work through these issues. But you knew it would be worth it. (And so did your therapist who helped coach you on how to say what's on your mind)
Emily pulled you towards the small couch in the living room and sat down, maneuvering you to be on her lap. You relaxed in her embrace, slouching against her and letting the tall woman support your body. She felt like home and was exactly what you needed to help make this new place feel just a little bit better. Knowing that her presence has been in the apartment, that her aura has touched this place that feels so foreign was what it needed to finally start feeling familiar.
"I love you, Emily. Thank you for being my knight in shining armor."
Emily smiled a brilliant smile and kissed your lips softly before tucking your head back into her neck
"I love you, too, sweet girl. More than you will ever know."
For the rest of the night and the weekend, Emily snuggled with you and accompanied you as you ran errands and got more familiar with your new city. You couldn't have possibly asked for a better girlfriend. One day you were going to marry that girl