Note: This is something obsessedwithstabler and I decided to write. Please don't cause us bodily harm.
Warning: Major character death. This is not a happy story.
Olivia always thought the end would happen in the midst of a chase. Whether it was a gunshot wound, a car crash, or an explosion, she always expected she would go down in the line of duty.
She never saw the diagnosis coming. When she found the swollen lymph node on her neck, the doctors laid out a plan of chemo and radiation. They spoke of survival rates and assured her she had a 30 percent chance of remission, but not without following the news with a warning that if it spread, her chances dropped drastically.
The day she received her diagnosis, her first instinct was to reach out to Elliot. She'd gone as far as dialing the number before she stopped, knowing that hearing the same reminder that the line was disconnected would be enough to make her break down.
For twelve years he'd been the single most important person in her life. It had taken a close call with a gun pressed to his head to make her realize how deep those feelings ran. Not a day passed that she didn't regret acting on them all those years ago.
He'd pulled the rug from her feet when he left without so much as a phone call goodbye. His departure left her reeling, angry and hurt beyond words. Twelve years of partnership, of long nights and close calls, thrown away.
The months gave way to years. Three years of anger and abandonment, of failed relationships and keeping her heart on guard because nobody compared to Elliot Stabler.
It had been over two years since she tried to reach him, only to be greeted by a recording informing her that his number had been disconnected.
It was in that moment she knew he wasn't coming back.
The chemo was tolerable at first, but then the side effects started. She lost weight, along with her hair, which was harder to face than she cared to admit. Along with that came dizzying nausea, cold sweats that would wake her in the dead of night, and feeling too tired to make it out of bed some days.
When a checkup showed some progress, she saw a light at the end of the tunnel and reminded herself that it would all be worth it in the end. The next round of chemo nearly destroyed her, only for her labs to show the cancer had spread to her boness. A few more sessions of chemo did nothing to slow down the spread. After that appointment, she terminated treatment and turned in her retirement papers.
For a while, she regained some strength after terminating chemo. Her oncologist warned her it was only temporary, so she focused on getting her final affairs in order before her health declined again.
When her symptoms rapidly worsened, she hired palliative care. She'd spent so much time at the hospital that it was the last place she wanted to die.
She was grateful for Fin, Munch, and Cragen, who made sure she was never alone. They took turns keeping her company, even when she was too tired to make conversation.
As the days slipped into weeks, it dawned on her that she was going to die without seeing her partner again. That terrified her more than she ever imagined, even after she'd spent three years trying to convince herself she'd moved on. The thought haunted her in her sleep, but for all she knew, Elliot had moved on to focus on his family. He didn't need to be burdened with this.
When her hospice nurse told her it was only a matter of days, Elliot's voice was her only thought. In that moment, she would have given anything to hear him, to have one last late night talk, to spend the final hours of her life with him at her side.
"Elliot…" His name was a trembling whisper as she slept. She started awake with a quiet gasp, blinking groggily as her eyes adjusted to her dim bedroom. "Fin?"
Fin immediately leaned closer and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. "Right here, Liv. What is it?"
Olivia blinked against the heat of tears. A shaky sigh escaped her as she met Fin's eyes. "I want to see Elliot," she whispered. The request left her lips before she could stop herself, before she could remind herself that Elliot wasn't coming back.
At that, Fin's heart twisted. He'd exchanged a few text messages with Elliot, but the last time he'd heard from him was over a year ago. For all he knew, Elliot was miles away. But he didn't have the heart to say no. He gave Olivia's hand another squeeze. "I'll see what I can do."
That was enough for her. Nodding, Olivia closed her eyes again. She knew her odds of seeing her old partner again were close to nothing, but somehow Fin's response comforted her. "Okay…"
Fin held her hand as she slipped back into sleep. She slept more with each passing day, and he never knew if she would wake up, if each breath would be her last.
He'd get Elliot there if it was the last thing he did.
It was after two in the morning when Elliot's phone rang.
Groaning, Elliot rolled over in his empty bed. For the last six months he had been forced to get used to sleeping alone. The first two years after he left New York had been excruciating and exhilarating. Kathy seemed to thrive, becoming not only a better wife but a better mother to Eli. At the same time Elliot was rotting from the inside. For twelve years he had worked side by side with Olivia. Even at their worst they never went more than a day without some kind of connection.
The woman was a saint.
She had fought for his marriage when he and Kathy both gave up on it. Late at night, alone with his thoughts but his wife sleeping beside him, he thought of how different things might have been if he had not gone to Kathy that night.
He felt like a monster when he had that thought. Eli was his child- or so he'd thought. Five months ago, Eli had had a minor accident. At least it was minor until bloodwork revealed that the boy Elliot had been raising for years wasn't his child.
Kathy had cried and begged his forgiveness, but he was numb. He loved Eli like his own child, but he wasn't. Who was Eli's father? And then the grief set in. Grief for his entire world being turned upside down, grief for Eli, and the worst of it: grief for the life he could have had if he'd never gone to Kathy that night, or if he had demanded a DNA test earlier.
Part of him was willing to keep the marriage going, to keep being Eli's father. But Kathy left two months later with Eli and Elliot was alone in a foreign country, thousands of miles from the person who was his home.
He thought about reaching out to her. Fin occasionally texted him, letting him know how Olivia was doing, but slowly those messages became less frequent. He wanted to run to her, to let her know how badly he had fucked up and how she was the one good thing he had left.
How selfish and cruel was that? The phone rang again and Elliot finally picked it up. Seeing Fin's name, he answered the call. "Fin? What's up?"
"Elliot," Fin's voice cut sharply through the speaker. "I don't know if you're anywhere near the city, but you need to get here. Soon."
He sat up in his dark bedroom, his brow furrowing. "I'm in Rome. What's going on?"
"It's Liv. She needs you." Fin stopped for just a moment, his voice lowering a little. "Elliot, she's dying."
Everything stopped as Fin's words reverberated in his ears. She's dying. "What?" he rasped, immediately rolling out of his bed.
"She's sick. Cancer. Her hospice nurse doesn't think she has more than a day or two." Fin's voice cracked as he said that. "Olivia asked for you. She wants you here."
"Christ…" He couldn't hold it in. "Why didn't you call me sooner?" Grabbing a suitcase from his closet, he began tossing clothes and irreplaceables into it haphazardly.
"Look, I'll fill you in when you get here. Just get on the first flight you can get."
"I'll be there." He closed the suitcase, threw a hoodie on, and grabbed his keys and passport. "Fin, tell her I'm coming. Please."
"I will."
He ended the call and drove straight to the airport. Within an hour, he was on a ten hour flight to New York City.
Please hold on, Olivia. I'm coming.
Hours later, he called Fin to let him know he was in the city and on his way. When he heard the knocking on the front door, Fin quickly made his way to the door to let him in.
He opened the door and Elliot stood before him, bag slung over his shoulder and his eyes red. He looked like shit and they both knew it. "Where is she?" he demanded, stepping into the apartment and setting his bag down.
"Her bedroom," Fin supplied, stepping aside to let him in. "She's asleep right now, but I told her you were on your way."
Nodding tightly, he gave Fin's shoulder a pat before he made a beeline for her bedroom. The apartment looked almost exactly the same, except… He realized with a clenched heart that the pictures of them were no longer adorning the walls.
He really couldn't blame her.
But then he reached her bedroom, and he couldn't stifle a soft sigh. She had moved all of the pictures into her room, and now they covered the walls. There was a framed picture of them by her bed, then he saw her and his knees nearly buckled.
She was nearly unrecognizable, nearly a ghost of herself as she lay beneath a mound of blankets in the center of her bed. Tears burnt his eyes as he carefully sat on the edge of her bed, and it took a while to find his voice. "Liv…?"
His voice was enough to make her stir a little, and after a moment she opened her eyes. It took a few seconds for her eyes to focus. When she saw him sitting next to her, her heart skipped a beat. "El..."
Throwing all pretense and restraint to the wind, he leaned down and cupped her gaunt cheek in his hand. "I'm here, Liv," he whispered, meeting her tired eyes. "I'm here."
Slowly she leaned into his hand, never taking her eyes off him. Her anger, every urge to lash out, to let him have it for abandoning her, faded as she took him in for the first time in over three years. "You're really here…" she whispered.
"I'm here," he assured her, his sharp eyes scanning every inch of her. "Liv…I would have been here…."
Tears stung her eyes as she reached for his other hand. Even when Fin had told her Elliot was on his way, Olivia wasn't sure if she believed him. She'd dreamt of this moment so many times only to realize that Elliot was gone. But now he was here, right next to her, for the first time in three years. "El, I... I've missed you so much."
Suddenly the full weight of the last three years hit him with brutal force. He had abandoned his best friend when she needed him most, and he couldn't make it up to her. Shaking his head weakly, he suddenly dove forward and buried his face in her neck. "I'm sorry, Liv," he choked out over and over. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Olivia gasped softly in surprise but didn't pull away. She squeezed her eyes shut against fresh tears, and a moment later her arms wrapped around him. Her fingers combed shakily through his hair as she leaned her head against his.
His arms eased around her slight frame, holding her as tightly as he dared. She felt so small and frail, as if the slightest wind would send her to the floor. "I'm sorry…"
"I know..." she whispered, relaxing against him. Her heart skipped as years of longing washed over her. "I was angry for so long. I... I want to be angry," she admitted. "But I'm not. I'm just so glad you're here..."
"I'm here." He pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against hers. "I'm never leaving you again."
Olivia opened her eyes to meet his striking blues. His words gave her reassurance and she sighed quietly, snuggling into him a bit. "Where... where have you been all this time?" she murmured curiously. There was no malice in her voice, and Elliot almost wished there was, because the last thing he deserved was her forgiveness.
"Hold on." Elliot shifted himself until he was sitting side by side with her. Then he slid his arm around her, gently pulling her into his embrace. Once she was settled and seemed comfortable, he finally answered. "I've been in Rome."
"Rome?" Surprised, she curled into him, taking in his warmth and resting her head on his chest. "What about your family?"
"It's a long story. Kathy and I aren't together." His fingertips traced over her skin. "I don't want to waste any time on that." Not after he'd wasted the last seven years or so.
"Oh." Olivia nodded, understanding that he didn't want to talk about it. She leaned into his touch, new and familiar at the same time. "I still can't believe you're here. I... I missed you every day."
"I missed you too, Liv." He pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. "I never should have gone."
"You shouldn't have," she agreed softly, too tired to sound angry. She closed her eyes and rested her hand on his chest, rubbing lightly. "Are you still working?"
He laid his hand gently over hers. "Yeah. I'm the liaison between Rome and New York."
Olivia nodded and laced her fingers through his. "A lot's changed here."
"I'm sure it has." He brought their hands up to his lips and softly kissed her fingers.
A hard lump formed in her throat. She traced her fingers against his jaw and looked up at him. "El, I…"
"I know." He cradled her cheek in his hand and softly kissed her forehead.
Exhausted, she sighed softly and leaned into him. She fought to keep her eyes open as she absently rubbed his arm.
"I've got you, Liv." He held her closer, kissing her head over and over as he stroked her back. "I swear to you, I'm not leaving."
At that, she relaxed a little, settling against him. Her hand rested on his chest, feeling the soothing, steady beat of his heart. She wanted to stay awake as long as she could, but sleep fogged the edges of her vision. His hand continued to rub comforting circles on her back, and she took comfort in knowing that when, or if she woke up, he would be there. In a matter of moments, she soon dozed off in his arms.
He continued to cradle her against his chest after she fell asleep, and after a while, Fin eased into the room. Elliot quickly wiped his eyes and looked to Fin. "She fell asleep."
Fin nodded softly. "She doesn't have much energy. She fought this as hard as she could."
"I know she did. Fin… why didn't you call me sooner?" His voice cracked a bit. "I would have been here. I… I could have…"
Fin let out a sigh. "She wasn't ready for that, at least not at the time. When you left, it crushed her. She never moved on."
"Neither did I." He looked down at the woman in his arms. "I wasted seven years…"
"Well, you're here now. She needs you."
"I'm not leaving her." He scrubbed his free hand over his face. "But while she's sleeping, I'm gonna grab a shower.
"Okay. I'll sit with her in case she wakes up."
"Thanks, Fin." Elliot gave it another minute before he gently slipped away from Olivia and hurried into the bathroom to clean himself up.
While Elliot showered, Fin stayed with Olivia. She remained peacefully asleep, stirring a little when Elliot slipped back into the room.
He looked a bit better freshly showered and wearing clean clothes. He quickly returned to the bed, smoothing his hand over her arm to reassure her. "It's okay, Liv," he rumbled. "I'm still here."
Fin watched as Olivia curled into Elliot's side. "I'll leave you two alone. Let me know if you need anything."
"I will," he assured his old friend. As he watched Fin head toward the door, he quietly called out, "Thank you for being with her, Fin."
Fin nodded, then left the room, leaving him alone with Olivia.
Elliot gathered Olivia closer, rocking her gently as she slept.
If Fin was right and she only had a day or two left, he wasn't going to waste a moment of it.
He had already missed far too much.
Olivia slept for several hours. When she roused, the room was dim, but she could still feel Elliot next to her, his arms wrapped protectively around her emaciated frame.
Her meds had worn off, leaving a painful ache coursing through her body. A shudder went through her and she gripped Elliot's shirt in a weak fist.
The slight movement made Elliot stir immediately. "Liv? I'm here, baby." He slowly stroked her back.
She curled into him, squeezing her eyes shut and trembling a little. "El…"
Fin had come in an hour ago to show him the morphine Olivia now needed, and how to administer it to her. He pressed a kiss to her head. "I'm going to help, baby." Without letting her go, he managed to grab the small vial of morphine and a syringe. "Just hold on..."
She inhaled sharply, holding in a breath as he carefully gave her the morphine. Then she let out a long, shaky breath and opened her eyes as she waited for the morphine's effects to kick in. "Better…"
"Good." He recapped the syringe and set it aside, along with the morphine. Then he rested his forehead against hers.
Slowly the tension left her body and she settled against him. She wrapped her arm around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
"There…" He rocked her gently, resting his head against hers. "I've got you."
She tightened her grip on him a little and opened her eyes. The morphine was taking hold, taking the edge off her pain. "El?"
"Right here, baby." The words rumbled softly from his chest. "I've got you."
Olivia rubbed his chest and fell quiet for a long moment. "I love you."
The words both elated him and destroyed him. He tightened his grip on her protectively. "I love you too, Olivia."
Hearing that brought tears to her eyes. How many times had she longed to hear him say that? She smiled tearfully and nuzzled his neck. "I've always wanted to say that."
"Me too." He carefully cupped the back of her head and pulled back so that he could see her eyes. "And I've wanted to do this…" Ducking his head, he softly touched his lips to hers.
Was this really happening? Slowly she melted into the kiss, closing her eyes as she savored the moment. The moment her lips parted, he took advantage and eagerly tasted her. There would be too few precious moments like this and he was going to cherish each one.
It was everything she'd expected and still not enough. Olivia's heart raced as she deepened the kiss.
He shifted her more comfortably in his arms as he kissed her. He had waited this long to kiss her, and he would never forgive himself for it. Olivia slipped her hand under his shirt and rubbed his chest, letting out a soft sound of contentment.
Finally he broke the kiss to remove his shirt entirely. There were no expectations behind the move; he simply wanted to feel her skin against his.
A moment later his lips were on hers again. Olivia eagerly ran her hands up and down his chest, her breath hitching when she felt his fingers on her skin.
"I've loved you for years," he breathed against her soft lips. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to go to you."
"I love you, too," she whispered back. "I always have."
Nodding, he gently brushed her tear away. "I'll always love you."
Her face softened as she laid her head on his chest again. "I wish we could have more time."
"So do I. But I'm grateful for this time."
"Me too…" she murmured, snuggling closer. "There's nobody else I would want more."
He kissed her head again and nodded. "I won't leave you alone." Not when any breath could be her last.
Olivia leaned into the little gesture and draped her arm across him. She was tired, but she wanted to stay awake and enjoy every moment possible.
In the hours that slipped by, Elliot was steadfast at her side, only leaving to use the toilet or get something to eat. And he only did that if Fin or Cragen sat with her. Then he was right back at her side, holding her and reassuring her.
The nurse kept him apprised of what to expect as Olivia's tenuous grip on consciousness began to weaken. Elliot heard her, but he acted as though Olivia could hear him at all times. He even played soft music and bundled her close when she started to shake. He would make sure she knew how much she was loved.
There were moments that the morphine only took the slightest edge off her pain. In those moments, Elliot held her close and stroked her hair, murmuring soothing nothings into her ear until the pain lessened. She was never afraid in the warm safety of his arms and cherished every second that he held her.
Late in the night, her breathing began to shallow. She let out a trembling breath and tightened her grip on him, burrowing closer. "El…"
He had dozed off for a moment but his eyes immediately opened again. "Liv? I'm here."
She curled into him, shivering a little. "Can you get me another blanket?" she murmured.
"Of course." She already had four blankets and he was certain it wasn't the cold causing her shaking, but he let her go long enough to retrieve another blanket. Coming back to the bed, he gently pried the blankets away from her shaking form. "Come here, baby…" He tugged her pliant body into his lap, then began wrapping them both in the blankets.
Olivia relaxed, sighing as she settled against the comforting warmth of his body. "That's better…"
"Good." He could feel her chest weakly rise against his own. "Is there anything else you need…?"
She shook her head tiredly. "No. Just you."
His hand came up to stroke her cheek. "You have me, Liv. Forever."
She leaned into his hand and snuggled closer to his chest. "I love you."
"I love you too." He kissed her head over and over. "So much."
Olivia tucked her head under his chin and closed her eyes, listening to the thrum of his heart. "I… I don't think it'll be long…"
His grip tightened on her. "Try…try to stay," he whispered, knowing how selfish his request was. He wasn't ready to let her go.
"I want to," she murmured, rubbing his chest. "I want to spend more time with you."
Elliot stole another kiss, rubbing his fingers over her cool skin. "It'll never be enough…"
She softly returned the kiss and focused on his soothing touch. Her eyes stung with tears as she slipped her arms around him, pulling him a little closer.
He didn't know what else to say except that he would be there. He murmured those words over and over, and told her how much he loved her, how he always would. The minutes ticked by and he felt her breathing become more labored.
Her grip on him began to weaken. "It… it doesn't hurt anymore," she murmured, nuzzling his neck a little.
His breath caught in his throat and he struggled to find his words. "That…that's good, baby," he breathed.
Olivia met his eyes, committing everything about him to memory. She wanted this moment to be the last thing on her mind before she closed her eyes. Then she rested her head on his chest again and sighed, her breaths lowering. "I'm so… so glad you're here," she whispered.
"So am I, Olivia." He searched her beautiful face, afraid to even close his eyes in case she slipped away. He traced his thumb over her cheek, then her lips.
He kissed her again, and Olivia leaned into it for a long moment before they parted. Her focus faded and she shuddered a little as she focused on steadying her breathing.
Elliot adjusted her against his chest, cradling her head in his hand. The moment was interrupted when her nurse eased into the room. Elliot swung his gaze to her, not wanting anyone in the room. But he couldn't speak as she quietly checked on Olivia.
"I'm sorry, Elliot," she finally murmured after checking Olivia's pulse. "She's fading fast."
"How long?" he heard himself ask.
"A few hours, at best." She administered another dose of morphine, determined to manage her patient's discomfort. "You're doing everything right. Just keep holding her, talking to her."
Elliot nodded numbly, pressing another kiss to Olivia's head. He watched as the nurse adjusted Olivia's blankets before excusing herself from the room again.
Olivia snuggled into him, opening her eyes a little. "I remember… remember when we met…"
He smiled down at her, keeping his own tears at bay. "Yeah? I remember thinking how beautiful you were..."
She managed a tired smile. "I… I never thought it would last twelve years…"
"It should have lasted longer," he replied somewhat bitterly. And he would always hate himself for that.
"I… I know." She rubbed his arm lightly. "And I don't think I ever… ever gave up hope that you'd come back…"
"Well...I did." He stole another kiss. "I would have married you, Olivia."
"Yeah?" Her eyes lit up as her face softened.
"Mm hmm." His fingers stroked her cheek. "We would have argued, but you would have won and we would have had a courthouse wedding."
At that, she laughed weakly. "I don't know. I…. I might have liked seeing you standing at the altar in a tux," she murmured, grateful for the distraction.
"And I wanted to see you in a white gown, but I know better," he responded affectionately. "My kids and everyone from work would have been there."
"Mm hmm…" she nodded lightly. "We would've gone on a nice honeymoon… just the two of us…"
"Course. I would have taken you to Paris. You…you always wanted to go."
"Yeah…" she whispered, weakly gripping his hand. "Maybe we… would've had a baby."
"I would have given you as many children as you wanted," he assured her, his voice cracking.
"I know…" Olivia fell silent, her heart aching at all the possibilities that could have been. Her strength was fading and her hold on him loosened a little.
"Liv?" Panic crept up in him. "I love you."
"I love you…" she whispered back, managing a shaky smile. "Trying to… to make this last…"
"N-no…" Damn his selfishness. "I know you're tired. You've fought this for long enough." He brushed her thin hair back with a trembling hand. "Rest. I've got you."
Olivia leaned into his hand, her hold on him weakening more. "Stay…?"
"I won't leave you for a moment," he swore, bringing her even closer as her breaths became more labored. "I'm always with you."
Always. His voice was soft and soothing in her ear. She snuggled deeper into the warm safety of his arms and closed her eyes. Her breaths slowed, almost inaudible.
He buried his nose in her hair, hiding his tears as he held her. "Love you, Liv. So much." He counted each breath, each frail flutter of her failing heart. "You were the one I wanted, the one I couldn't live without."
She couldn't manage words in response. Instead she listened, taking in every word he whispered. Her body settled more heavily against his as her breaths shallowed, becoming slower and further apart.
"I love you," he repeated over and over, holding her as tightly as he dared. He brushed his fingertips against her almost undetectable pulse. "I love you…"
His voice began to fade into nothing. She went limp in his arms with one slow, final breath.
"Liv?" He smoothed his hand over her hair as tears spilled down his cheeks. "Olivia…"
Moments later, the door opened and Fin quietly slipped into the room.
Elliot didn't hear him. He sobbed into Olivia's hair, his grip on her still tight and desperate.
Fin didn't say anything right away, his eyes stinging with tears as he watched.
Finally Elliot raised his swollen and teary eyes. Seeing Fin, he gulped in a breath. "She's…"
"I know," he whispered. "She held on for a long time."
He pressed another soft kiss to her head. "I love her, Fin."
"She loves you, too. Even after everything, she wanted you here more than anyone else."
Another wave of grief hit him. "I should have been here…"
"Yeah." Fin fell quiet for a moment. "But for what it's worth, she forgave you."
"I don't deserve it." He finally looked down at Olivia. Her face was half hidden in his shoulder, but she looked peaceful.
Fin watched him for another long moment before he stood up, quietly excusing himself from the room to make the necessary calls.
Alone with Olivia again, Elliot pressed another soft kiss to her head.
He was never going to get over this.
*hides under rock* Reviews are appreciated.