Shirou, as he was called in this world, silently closed the door to Artoria's bedchamber behind him. He exhaled and checked the time on his menu.

Just before midnight. Good.

He looked up, his smirk curling as he saw Artoria's bashful expression in the moonlight. She couldn't even look at him, only clutch the blanket to cover her modest breasts. She looked the most beautiful when she was shy like this; so pure, untouched, undefiled. Like any hot-blooded guy, he wanted to see her writhing beneath him.

He slowly walked to the bed, and he could see her curl up even more as he approached. Stopping at the foot of the bed, he kneeled down and put his finger on her chin, pushing her head so that he could meet her gaze.

"Don't be scared," he said, his words like wine to her ears. He knew they were, he had edited her to take them that way, after all. "I don't bite all that much. For now, that is."

She blushed and clutched at his hand, squeezing tightly. Her scent turned sharper.

Oh yes. I know you want this.

He leaned forward and kissed her neck, just beneath her jawline. Her mouth opened and she let out the smallest gasp of pleasure. This was a good place to start, but later he'd have to change her parameters to make her a hundred—no, a thousand times more sensitive to his touch. Even his breath should be able to make her cum.

His hand moved down from her shoulder to her navel. Why bother with too much foreplay? She wanted him anyway, might as well just make her a little happy before he plunged into her. It's not like she had much chest to speak of, anyway. He almost chuckled in derision.

Play to your strengths, Pendragon.

As he was about to push his finger below her waist, though, a force hit him right in the cheek and threw him right across the room. His face was scratched to hell, and he felt his jawbone had broken. It took him barely a moment to realize that the window had broken and a new person had landed in the room. Artoria's shocked expression means she had no idea this was coming, so it wasn't some kind of betrayal.

"Who the fuck are y—"

The figure clad in darkness barely shifted forward before his head snapped to the side, the impact sending him straight to the floor. Were it not for his high DEF stat, his neck would have snapped and he would have died.

And then the sound began, the cacophony of the demons at the back of his nightmares.

He turned his hearing sensitivity to 1%, and yet somehow he could still hear it. It drilled past his nerves and stimulated his neurons directly, that heinous sound. It was evil, pure evil, and he couldn't begin to understand it. He managed to turn his head in the figure's direction, clutching his ears, and cast Analyze at her.

All that was returned to him was that her name was Scáthach, Warrior Queen of Dún Scáith. Her level was flashing between "UNKNOWN" and "999,999,999", and every other stat was just empty, not even the question mark he normally saw with enemies that were stronger than him.

He thought that he had gotten rid of all of those.

What the fuck is this secret final boss doing here?!

He slowly tried to get up, but she took another step forward, making him cringe and crawl backwards. She stepped into the moonlight, and despite her form-fitting suit that highlighted all of her curves, the only thing he could focus on was her weapon, her instrument of torture.

Are those bagpipes?!

"Invader from another land," she spoke, her voice commanding and filling the entire room, "you will not lay another hand on my fellow monarch. I have seen your wickedness... and I will enact my vengeance upon thee."

He opened up his menu, quickly editing his own stats to put all of his points into ATK and pulling out his upgraded Excalibur as fast as he could. There was no way that even this lady was going to be able to stand up to the combined imbued might of the Fae, the Four Great Satans, the melted remains of Mjölnir, and fragments from the Tsumuguri Muramasa...

...right?

"I don't know who you are," he injected all of his frustration and rage into his voice to push away his fears, "but I'm not going to let you ruin my life!"

Excalibur began to burn in black, white, and red flames, reading itself for a blast that should obliterate the crazy bagpipe-bearing burgundy-colored birdie. It would likely damage the castle walls, but that was an acceptable loss to deal with a foe the likes of which he had never faced before. She needed to die so that his peaceful life in another world could be maintained.

He swung at her, ready either to bisect her or to Excaliblast her, and was met by the bagpipes in the middle of his swing.

Excalibur shattered.

He blinked, and was then kicked through the window. His ribcage split in half from the impact to his sternum, as he had taken all of his points out of DEF.

I never even got to touch Artoria's boobs...

The last sound he heard was those ACCURSED FUCKING PIPES—