Harry recounted what he had witnessed to Ginny the next morning before going in for work. Despite obviously looking worried for her son, she patiently listened to him until he finished without interrupting once.
"I just wish that he would tell me about his nightmares. It worries me so much seeing him like this without knowing what he was suffering from. If only he would let me help him." he was so frustrated that he could care less sounding like a whiney teenager in front of his wife.
"At least now you know how it had felt for me most of the times." She said it in an understanding tone but Harry could tell that she was remembering all the times she had felt frustrated and hurt by his silence in the past.
He looked at her, speechless. He had not thought about it this way at all. It was true that he had mostly tried to hide his nightmares from his loved ones, especially when he had known that the dreams would worry them. Of course he had believed that it had been for their own good and reasoned that it had been his own problem that there had been no point worrying them for something that they could not help. Thinking back to his most recent nightmares, he could not help wondering if he had told his wife and friends earlier about them or his hurting scar and to act upon them immediately, could he have been able to prevent the Time Turner disaster from happening at the first place.
Seeing how uneasy and worried he seemed to be, his wife soothingly caressed his face until he relaxed and momentarily forgot his worries, then she planted a kiss on his mouth, which he instinctively returned. When she pulled away from the kiss, she lovingly enveloped him in a hug and laid her head on his shoulder, "I'm so proud of you, love."
Harry broke off from the hug and stared at her in shock, "We have just realised that our fourteen-year-old son could possibly be traumatised for life, which has been very much my fault and your reaction was to kiss me and to say that you're proud of me? As flattering as it's, I'm not sure if you are thinking straight at all, dear."
Ginny let out a frustrated sigh and said, "Of course I am worried about Albus, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud of you."
He was still feeling very puzzled, "But why? I have made such a mess of things, I drove him away which got this whole catastrophe started… My misjudgements at work have made it possible for them to find the Time Turner at the first place… and clearly, after all these times, he still doesn't trust me enough to let me help him."
She gave him a much softer kiss this time and slowly said, "I'm proud of you because I know how hard you have been trying to be a better father for him. With all the letters, Draco and most importantly, Scorpius… you may have grown up without a father figure in your own life but that doesn't stop you from trying your best. I was just talking with mum and dad yesterday and they said Albus hadn't initiated a hug with them for more than four years. I heard that he had even made small talks with Audrey and her." After all these years of being sisters-in-law, Ginny still would not call Fleur by name. Personally, Harry had always found Fleur much more likable than Percy's boring wife Audrey, who was undoubtedly his least favourite sister-in-law. "All of our family could tell his changes on Christmas day, and it's all thanks to you."
"Surely it was all thanks to Scorpius… and seeing him yesterday, it could have been all a pretense to keep us from knowing just how affected he really is."
She seemed to be losing her patience, "It's Albus we are talking about here, Harry. Think about how he sulked in the corner just last year. This was the very first time our son has appeared sociable in ages. Al would not care enough to pretend at all if he's not up for it at the first place and I can tell that he's finally coming out of his shell. Even if it has been Scorpius' influence, you were the one who brought them together in Christmas times, and of course you don't need me reminding you how impossible it would be for you to do that just four months ago. Even though he may be hurting in ways, Al's progress is simply undeniable. Not to mention, his asking you to stay with him after his nightmare showed that he does trust you and you are capable of comforting him." He did not look too convinced.
Now she had turned aside with a thoughtful look before saying, "You know, I'm thinking about those words Draco said to me on the platform… He might be right about you, you just seem so bloody determined to hold yourself accountable for everything bad that happens to many others. And it appears to me now that you are equally determined not to take credit for things you do right."
"Of course I don't feel responsible for bad things that happen to just anyone, but I do feel responsible for the ones that happen to my loved ones."
"Weren't you feeling guilty about Scorpius earlier? As sweet as Scorpius is, he isn't exactly a loved one for you."
"But his suffering was a direct byproduct of my rift with Albus… More accurately speaking, part of it was my own doing..."
"I was referring more to the sufferings Scorpius had experienced because of Delphi than the sadness he had endured from your separation. And considering those to be your fault is definitely a bit of a stretch. My point does stand that you feel personally accountable for bad things that happen to many others. People may see you as 'the Saviour', but you are just Harry, of course you won't be able to prevent everyone from getting harmed. And as much as I hate to say this myself, Al is definitely partially guilty for the disaster thus it was partially his own fault to suffer from nightmares."
Harry shuddered involuntarily like he was in pain, his wife held his face in her hands to make him look straight at her and pressed on, "Whatever happened has happened, dear. Parents aren't even supposed to shelter children from making mistakes, we are supposed to help them to learn from their mistakes. We have to move on and try to do our best to support our boy. There's no point arguing how responsible you are and keep punishing yourself for something you have already been working so hard to make amends for."
"But I should be able to protect my own family," Harry had always known how limited his abilities were, but as a husband and a father, it was his job to protect his wife and children, "and if there's one mistake parents should protect their children from making…"
To his surprise, Ginny had moved away from him, held out a hand and simply said, "Shut up, Harry. I'm going to hex you if you insist on blaming yourself any longer."
It felt wrong for him to just let this go but he knew her enough to be able to tell that she was dead serious that he had no choice but to shut up.
Knowing that she had won, she tried to give him a comforting smile and said, "Harry, your son is more similar to you than we have thought. Try to remember why you had always hesitated in sharing your nightmares with us."
"I guess... I wanted to protect you, to keep you all from worrying." He surely did not feel protected from worry now that he was on the receiving end of the silence treatment. Unfortunately, he felt even more worried not knowing what Albus' nightmares were about. "But there was also a part of me that had believed that even if I told you or Ron or Hermione, you would never be able to understand how it had felt for me because you all hadn't experienced what I have."
"Perhaps that's why Albus wouldn't tell you what his nightmares were about. He may not want to worry you or he believes you won't be able to understand how it feels for him."
She had a point. Harry had rather lived with the burden of the suspicion that Voldemort had been back in some form than telling others that his scar had been burning. Others worrying that he had been having nightmares seemed preferable than them worrying that Voldemort had returned. But Albus was not him, surely his son would not have to worry that his nightmares would come true, would he? "I guess you're right… but he should know that I would be able to understand how the nightmares felt for him. If anyone could possibly understand how he feels now, I can."
"I won't be too sure about it, Harry…"
"What do you mean? I have seen Hermione tortured… well more like heard. I have witnessed Cedric's death, and I was right there witnessing my parents' deaths. Surely I have experienced all the worst things he has witnessed and had enough nightmares about the ordeals I have experienced to be able to relate with him." It felt so surreal that he would ever feel the need to brag about the terrible things he had experienced to prove a point.
"Of course… but Bellatrix had tortured Hermione as an interrogation, instead of a direct mean to threaten you to do something that would destroy the world. Witnessing a schoolmate's murder might be similar for the both of you… but as strange as it's, Albus was the one who actually got a chance to connect with your parents as human beings before seeing them murdered. Not to mention…" Ginny stopped abruptly, she seemed to have decided against saying whatever she was going to say.
"What is it, Gin? What were you going to say?" She was looking down with a deep frown that Harry was unable to make eye contact with her, which somehow accentuated his dread.
She took a deep breath before saying, "Albus was not just witnessing their murders… he was also witnessing his dad's witness of his grandparents' murders." Harry realised what she was implying. Could it be that in addition of feeling guilty about Scorpius' torture and Craig's death, his boy was also feeling guilty about causing Harry pain? Now that Ginny had mentioned it, it did seem like a plausible explanation. He did not remember much about the night after he had returned from Godric's Hollow even though he had felt incredibly relieved for Albus' return. He had been a complete wreck that despite everything, he had been in absolutely no condition to comfort his son when he had needed him most. On the contrary, his fourteen-year-old son had straight out refused to go to sleep until Harry had fallen asleep.
Ginny looked pretty sad when she softly continued in a sympathetic tone, knowing that he had understood what she was getting at, "What I meant to say was, even you don't understand exactly how it had felt for him to go through everything he had gone through. You pushing him to talk will do nothing except for pushing him away."
"I didn't push him to talk at all. Actually, I think I have made it quite clear that he doesn't have to talk… but Merlin, now I really regret letting the boys stayed during the murders. We should have hidden th…"
He stopped dead when he noticed her calmly picked up her wand from the bedside table, then pointed it to his face threateningly. "What have we agreed about the self-blame?" He raised both of his hands up in surrender and shut up.
Harry slowly lowered his hands while she was putting away her wand. He knew she was right that there was no point for him to dwell on the past but try as he might, he had not been able to distract himself from the memory of his son trembling and weeping in his sleep. Supporting his traumatised son was definitely something that was easier said than done, and while necessary, this conversation with Ginny did nothing to comfort him regarding the challenges ahead. He still felt as defeated and lost as before when it came to the specific things he should do to support his son.
Noticing the forlorn look on his face, this time his wife pulled him into a silent hug. Harry closed his eyes and held her tight, breathing in her sweet scent and feeling her touch that had always reminded him of the security of his home. Even after all these years, he still occasionally felt the need to pinch himself to remind him that he was not living in a dream. Forming a family of his own had been the biggest gift in his life and his children had been perfect in every way but few people had ever been able to understand just how important Ginny had been to him. At times, Harry had been much more like her son than her husband even though she was younger than him. She had been the one to calm him whenever she had found him crying from his nightmares, to painstakingly remind him over and over again that "it's not your fault" for just about anything, to hold him close until he fall asleep for years on end. She always knew what he needed and this time, she held him close for minutes in silence until he was ready to let go himself.
When he looked into her chocolate brown eyes again and said, "Thank you", he was trying to wordlessly convey all the things he was grateful for with his look. "I just don't know…" he was caught off guard to find himself choking up, "... don't know what I can do for him."
She gave him a gentle and reassuring smile and said, "I haven't finished just now when I was telling you how proud I am of you… I'm also proud of you because if things had gone the exact way as you have described, I think you have supported Albus in the best way you could given the circumstances." There was undeniably pride in her voice.
"Really? I feel like there must be more I could do to help … He's still a boy, he shouldn't have to deal with any of these, a murderous witch who manipulated his emotions, the burden of witnessing his best friend's torture and Craig's death… not any of these."
"Said the boy who lived, who had witnessed his parents' death at one even though he didn't remember… as well as having defeated Voldemort twice and almost having been kissed by a Dementor by Albus' age." Ginny recited with a slightly bored tone.
"Gin, I'm serious. This is not a competition."
"It's not sarcasm, Harry. Of course Albus and Scorpius don't deserve to have this burden at their age, but you were even younger than them when you first fought Voldemort. Did it ever cross your mind that you weren't supposed to experience that when your were eleven? No one deserves any of these traumas but countless of people got traumatised every day anyway. Is it terrible? Yes. Is it preventable? Not unless you can lock every criminal up before he has even committed the crime."
Harry opened his mouth, wanting to argue but found that he had no word against her argument then he weakly say, "I just feel like I should be doing more … after everything he has been through." He balled a hand into a fist frustratedly.
She gently placed her hand on top of his fist and said, "You have been regularly writing to him and was somehow able to get a fourteen-year-old to reply to you every time. You calmed and comforted him after a nightmare of his and have made sure that he knows that you're there for him without pushing him to talk. You have made sure that once they are back in Hogwarts, Neville will continue to look out for him and after your talk with Draco, you would likely be informed if Scorpius notices anything alarming enough about Albus to tell his father. I don't think I could do anything better for him myself."
He looked at his wife solemnly. Even though she had woke up half an hour before, she appeared as radiant as ever and her sincerity and love were evident in her most delicate expression, he could literally tell her everything he felt. "It felt too good to be true when my nightmares have stopped… what I would give to have them back now if only…"
She lifted his hand up and kissed it before kissing him affectionately on his mouth. "Like I could ever expect anything less from you. You are the most loving person I have known... and I love you." He finally smiled for the first time since going to sleep the night before.
"Just show him that he's loved and stay by his side. Maybe Al would feel ready to share his nightmares with you soon."
A/N: I have always thought that being Harry's wife must be quite challenging at times, especially after reading HPCC to realise just how traumatised Harry has always been. Poor Ginny, I imagine this is probably the thousandth conversation of its kind. I have been rather indifferent about Hinny but HPCC has convinced me that they are indeed perfect for each other. That said, my outline for this part was basically "H told G about A's nightmare and ask her to look out for A"... didn't expect to write such a lengthy chapter with these two but I do like how it has turned out, I hope you would as well.