SpiritOfErebus presents

Schrödinger's Sanity Chapter two

(This has not been edited so please pm me grammar mistakes)

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…

An unintentional side effect of investigating a school was… well… actually having homework. Between my hours of watching anime and reading mysteries, I also had to participate in the social construct that was the education system.

Basically, I've been too distracted by recent events and my grades were slipping. Unacceptable. Despite having a career path firmly in mind, I still had to have good grades to go to some sort of college and find a job in addition to being a private investigator. Nowadays, the call for a detective has been lessened due to an improving society and the introduction of therapy to traumatized individuals (So they do not turn to villainous acts such as 1: Being a psychopath and 2: Being an idiot.).

Speaking of which, about villainous act number two, did people have the freedom to make the incorrect decision? The parts that spoke about moral codes like the sections labeled Obligations of the people, Equality, and New human rights in our countries did not say anything about being an idiot and making incorrect choices. In fact, would a society that doesn't allow people to be idiots and distract themselves with anime, novels, and… other things still be considered a free society?

Look at me, being distracted by my own thoughts. Bad Keiji. Back to calculus.

As my mind roamed over the incomprehensible codes that were integrals and derivatives, I inadvertently got distracted by something else.

'Why do humans have the ability to 'taste' things?' I thought, planning to flip through the biology textbook for answers.

As my train of thought decided to throw itself off the metaphorical train tracks and began swimming down a river parallel to the direction of the train tracks, my grades also metaphorically screamed in anguish.

It was going to be rough for me when the midterms came.

…

I had to pull an all nighter on the topics of integrals and derivatives. Sustaining myself on caffeine-addicted rage, I trudged through the gates looking like a man about to die.

Looking around, I saw the carefree and cheerful faces around me in a new light. How much have they worked to get to the point where they don't have to pull all nighters to have an A-minus in math class? Mere peasants like me could never hope to comprehend such immeasurable power.

I took a swig of bitter black tea, almost spat it out, forced myself to swallow it, and continued onward. Even if my eyesight got a little clearer, everything still seemed a little… green? Must be my imagination.

Onwards to the math class I went. Even if my vision may be blurry, my undeniable results in studying will not be… well, denied… in showing their effectiveness during the test! And even if I was being unnecessarily dramatic right now and pointing to the sky like a crazy person, it didn't matter! I was going to get an A, damn it!

Wait, I was what? Pointing my hand into the air dramatically? I looked at my hand(s) in the air, and took them down. I then held out both my hands and inspected them. Since when did I have four hands?

Sakura facepalmed behind me and pushed me forward into the school, before pulling me into the school.

"You idiot. Stop seeing double images of your hands. And yes, you do have two for a reason. Come on now, you're clogging the doorway."

"Still, one word stuck with me in the statement." I thought, starting at the ceiling.

Somebody else sniggered. "Is he high or something?"

Sakura shrugged. "Probably. He drank all of the tea in the house yesterday."

"Something … was cleared up with that one phrase." I could feel it. The change was revolutionizing me. The green in my vision cleared, and Kuoh Academy had never seemed more beautiful.

"Why?"

"He pulled an all nighter to study for calculus."

"Had I done it?" I was literally vibrating with excitement now. This world changing revelation must be announced.

"Why, though? It isn't that hard."

Sakura sighed. "My brother had the fortune to be placed in the infamous Dr. S's class."

The girl Sakura was talking with winced. "Ooh. Rough luck. Has he-"

"Have I finally achieved freedom through my ability to propagate idiocy? By being an idiot?" I declared loudly, dramatically putting the back of my hand on my forehead and unintentionally posing.

I got slapped by Sakura, then slumped theatrically to the ground.

"I was going to say 'consider a tutor' but now I'm going to say 'consider a therapist'."

Sakura sighed again. "I would want some coffee now if I'm not afraid I'll turn out like that. ".

Then, she picked up my still-raised hand and began to drag me along the hallway. You could always rely on older sisters like that. You can irritate them by eating pineapple pizza in front of them and they would still help you wake up from one nighters.

I received an F on that math test. It was a truly a miracle I didn't get a 0.

…

A week later, I sat there, contemplating my financial stability in the future, before I suddenly remembered something.

"Hey Sakura…" I said, relaxing on the couch and staring at my family's altar . It was made of polished mahogany and I didn't actually know what it worshipped. All I knew was that it was installed due to my grandfather's insistence of "restless spirits plaguing this house and multiplying" when I was born.

"Do you think we're forgetting something?"

Sakura sighed. She seemed to be doing that a lot recently. I was surprised her diaphragm hadn't collapsed of exhaustion yet.

"No, chemtrails are not real."

"It's nothing about that," I said, looking at her now. She was reading some sort of manga. "It's about my investigation into Kuoh Academy. Wasn't something important supposed to happen today? Like something important important?"

She put down her book and thought for a while.

"No, not really."

She picked up her book.

"Let me check the conspiracy board." I said, getting up, finishing my sparking water (I had sworn off tea for a while after that herbal medicine-fueled speech about freedom and stupidity), and shivered from the exotic taste of what seemed to be carbonated avocado.

I turned on the lights and my eyes widened.

There it was, tacked to the board.

Issei Hyoudou's supposed 'date' was today, and the profile of a red eyed girl was tacked right beside it, with a piece of paper saying "Possible connection?" in hastily written marker.

"Oh. My. God. How did we forget this."

Sakura came, stared at the conspiracy board, and sat down.

"I think you're really onto something with this investigation."

"Yeah." I said, for once without any dramatic flair. "Yeah, something's definitely up."

Then my hands blurred into action, prepared to write down the new shocking revalation. The kanji characters quickly found themselves sloppily written onto a sticky note, tacked to the board, and tied together with the rest of the board with red string.

Sakura suddenly widened her eyes, opened her mouth, but clamped it shut. I swiveled my head around to look at her.

"Everything coming back now?" I asked, marker at the ready and ready to note down anything that Sakura might suggest as another factor of suspicion.

"… Nothing." She said, backing away slowly. "Just… remembering something unpleasant."

"… This is about you eating the pineapple pizza right?" I asked, grinning from ear to ear, glasses glinting in the dull lamplight."

"Noooo!" Sakura yelled, running out of the conspiracy room. "Back, demon! Back! Stay away from me with your vile lifestyle choices!"

I ran outside the door, cackling madly, as I intended on making Sakura suffer for ever doubting my wisdom.

…

Elsewhere, Rias Gremory, in her nudist "attire", sneezed as she felt somebody question her beliefs in appropriate dress. Odd.

…

I sat, grinning, as I stood in front of the counter for the Pizza place. Sakura was standing behind me, crossing her arms and making a very angry face.

Still, even if she decided to try and take revenge for inducing the glorious food that was pineapple pizza onto her (something that was totally logical and not worthy of revenge), Sakura could somehow never catch him when she decided to wield her shinai against him.

The angsty teen manning the cashier spot looked at me with an indifferent expression.

"… Whaddya want, kid?"

"One slice of pineapple pizza."

I suddenly detected an ominous presence behind me, something… glaring at me… as if I had committed some sort of heinous crime against humanity.

Still, for the actualization of spreading the righteous equality movement of all pizza, I had to endure.

…

Dohnaseek shivered when the forbidden combination of words were uttered.

For once, the battle-hardened fallen angel shivered. How dare a young boy utter such terrible words?

The cashier was clearly uncomfortable as well. "Why would you wanna eat that crap?"

The boy seemingly gulped, as if detecting the animosity that Dohnaseek was unintentionally sending at him,

"My sis lost bet, and the punishment was to eat a slice of pineapple pizza."

The tension between the two rose up to a critical point, and then ceased.

For once, the teen actually laughed. Dohnaseek only retreated further into the tall collars of his dark trench coat, trying to minimize exposure to the unholy creation.

"Well, kid, your sister's in for a hell of a time."

Dohnaseek agreed.

"One slice of pineapple pizza!" The teen shouted to the chefs, before starting to laugh again.

The fallen angel felt the gathering of demonic essence and left the establishment quickly, his brisk walk stirring up a slight breeze and rustling the clothing of nearby customers. The bell jingled cheerfully, sounding a welcoming tune, but Dohnaseek couldn't look back at the place that had the potential to even serve such an option. He had come here for some rest and relaxation, to distract himself before the month of operations would begin and multiple sacred gears would be stolen from innocent children.

As much as he acted like some sort of villain, he still had some of a conscience, and taking lives casually never sat with him well.

Somebody eating that … amalgamation… was not helping at all.

…

Sakura was currently brushing her teeth for the seventh time, muttering about "cleansing her soul" or something like that.

"Keep that up and you'll sound like grandfather in no time!" I shouted, just to pour a little salt on her wound.

I could almost hear the mirror shattering and the muffled scream of rage. Instead, none of that happened.

In her pajamas, Sakura marched out of her room with a purpose. Her toothbrush hanging loosely from her mouth, her hair in a terrible mess, and wearing mismatched bunny slippers (one was pink and the other was white), she held her training sword with both hands with a fire ignited in her eyes. A fire of pure, cold fury. I could feel my instincts screaming at me to run from something and flee from a power that was almost supernatural.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I gulped. I had seen the bruises that those wooden swords could give you (mostly on the faces of the perverted trio), and I did not want to suffer that.

I ran.

I could hear the whoosh of the sword in the air and the soft whump that followed as it hit the sofa. I hastily unlocked the front door and ran out. The park sounded like a good place right about now. I could lose her in the dark… probably.

"Nigerundayo, Keiji!" My father shouted. Old bastard.

"What is it with you two and pineapple pizza?" my mother asked, looking up from whatever activity she was doing. "It's really not bad. I knew you were a bad influence to our daughter. At least our son remains untainted by that wasteful attitude."

"Pineapple pizza is a dish from hel-"

My mother glared at him, and my father whimpered, before sitting back down in his chair and muttering curses. My grandfather laughed from within his room, where he was most likely working on his next set of divine protection charms (usually sold at the flea market for a handsome sum), and said something about youth.

…

After narrowly avoiding death from wooden sword, I staggered back to school, this time running past the gates without hesitation and looking for the brown-haired pervert that was Issei.

"Hey there, Issei-san." I said, sidling up to him. Nearby people stared.

"… Hi there, Tentei-san." Issei said, looking rather confused.

"Did anything… odd happen to you yesterday?" I asked him in a mysterious voice.

Issei perked up.

"So you know!" He exclaimed. "I did go on a date with Yuma-san yesterday! But nobody remembers that I did. And all the pictures in my phone were deleted."

"I didn't either." I muttered to him, dragging him along the hallway. "Until I saw what I had put on my conspiracy board."

"What?"

"Yeah. Clearly something isn't right here. I knew this academy was bad news."

"Come on bro, can you not appreciate the amount of Oppai around? Even if yesterday was a strange day, we men still can admire the feminine charm that is-"

"Anyways, come to my house today. Here's the address." I slipped him a note with my family's address written on it. "Don't worry. What we discuss will be confidential. Private investigator's oath. We provide snacks and witness protection."

"Witness protection?"

I nodded.

"Trust me, Issei-san. Our family's business is Private Investigating. Without the ability to protect witnesses, we wouldn't have gone three generations without failing to investigate a single murder case."

"Murder case?"

"Don't worry." I said, patting him on the shoulder tentatively. "Just know that we're going to ask a couple of questions about yesterday."

"… Okay?" Issei said.

"Great." I exclaimed. "Feel free to come any time between four thirty and six."

…

AN: And that's another 2000 word chapter. I'm cutting a lot of these chapters short because this really has turned into sort of a serious crack humor fic.

Again, if you see plot inconsistencies, please point them out.

It would really be helpful if somebody provided two sentence summaries on each high school dxd episode or just send me a link to a good episode by episode plot summary. Finding the plot from other fanfictions can be really annoying.

Also, if you're bored with this fic or just want to read something else, check out my profile for two other fics (which are written for completely different fandoms). There is a discontinued fic so if you want to risk your eyeballs and sanity by reading it, go ahead.