we fought through pain and tears Chapter 1: Part I: Mare, a red queen, victoria aveyard fanfic

Writing Club
This or That | Fluff | 10. [dialogue] "I love you."
Showtime | 26. Montage | [setting] bedroom
Lizzy's Loft | 2. Tiptoe | I won't fall asleep
Elizabeth's Empire | 7. ZZZ | [action] trying to fall asleep
Lyric Alley | 19. And fought our way through the pain and tears
Hobby Hole | 3. [emotion] exhausted
Artist Appreciation | 15. Sad Songs (Say So Much) | [genre] hurt/comfort
Buttons | (Objects | 5. Blanket) (Actions | 2. Holding hands) {Emotions | 1. Exhausted)

Monthlies & Fortnightlies
Founder Says | Helga Says: Something Fluffy | 1. [dialogue] "You're all I need."

WC: 2993

Warnings: nightmares, trauma, little bit of sexytimes

o . o . o

Cal whimpers softly in his sleep. I'm awake anyway tonight, unable to give in to sleep, while nightmares plague him. It happens often enough, and I know he wishes I didn't know about it. I pretend not to notice most nights, at most just snuggling a little closer to him and holding him. It's about the only comfort I can offer him. But tonight is different. His whimpers quickly turn into full throated sobs.

"Please don't," he begs, his whole body tensing as tears fall, and I freeze. He's never talked in his sleep before. "Please don't do this."

I can feel his temperature rising, and I worry that he's going to set the bed on fire soon. In his dream, he's probably bound by silent stone or under Elara's control, but not so in reality. I slide my fingers under his chin and turn his face toward me. Tears coat his cheek and the pain on his face damn near breaks my heart.

"Cal, wake up," I say, tapping his jaw, but his eyelids only flutter. "CAL!"

He wakes with a start and it takes a second for his eyes to focus on me and realize where he is.

"Mare?" he whispers, still unsure.

"Yeah. You're okay." He's anything but okay, in truth, but whatever was happening in his mind wasn't real.

Cal turns his body toward me and surges forward, kissing me with bruising voracity. He tastes like tears and desperation. I understand his need to forget and the instinct that drives him now. I feel it too. He spins us a little so I'm on my back, holding himself above me. Close enough to brush against each other, but just a breath of space between. His hands roam up and down my body, and I ignore how much they're shaking, focusing on the sparks that tingle beneath my skin with every touch instead. I lose myself a little bit in his kiss as well, allowing my fingers to wind through the dark hair at the nape of his neck. He lets out the softest little grunt of approval and part of me wants to try and draw more from him. Cal starts kissing across my jaw and my neck, a bizarre mix of tenderness and passion that's more intoxicating than any wine I've ever tasted. My heart is pounding and I'm honestly not sure how far I want to let this go. Cal's hand runs down the side of my thigh to my knee, pulling my leg up around his hips. I can feel him against me and I feel my own desire stirring. Half my brain is screaming to stop now, but the other half is begging to keep going.

It doesn't matter, because Cal stills a moment later. He drops his head against my shoulder and I can just feel all that fire leech out of him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers against my shoulder, so softly that I'm not sure I hear him properly.

"Cal?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…" He trails off, pushing himself up and away from me, so he's sitting back on his heels. I shift as well, sitting up a bit more and leaning my back against the wall. He won't look at me, but I can see the shame and regret rippling across his features. Ever the galant prince.

"It's okay," I reassure him, reaching out to lift his chin so he has to look at me. "Really Cal, it's okay."

He's quiet, and he still looks like he's beating himself up mentally. I huff impatiently.

"Seriously Cal, do you think I'd let you do anything I didn't want? It's fine."

He smiles a tiny bit at the absurd image of me shocking him for getting a little too handsy, and it almost makes me laugh as well. I smooth my thumb across his jaw affectionately.

"Do you want to?" I ask, the words tumbling out a little too fast. It's a stupid idea, I know that, but he started it.

He looks at me with a confused expression for a second, and then he understands what I mean. He looks a little sad, which I don't expect. Cal shakes his head. "Not like this."

I don't know whether to laugh or scream. Honestly, deep down it doesn't surprise me one bit because I know Cal is a romantic at heart. The world we're in doesn't give him much of an opportunity for it, but this he can control. So of course he wants it to be perfect and sweet and god knows what else. Of course he does. Even though we could both die tomorrow, even though we're together but we're not really together and for all he knows this offer is never going to come around again, Cal wants to hold off on having sex with me because the moment isn't perfect. He's stupid and ridiculous and I'm not sure anything has ever been more endearing to me. When a soft silver flush creeps across his cheeks, I realize I've been quiet for a little too long.

"Okay," I say, smiling. It pulls at the scars from the sounder, but honestly I really don't care right now. "Come here."

I take his hand and tug him toward me. He lies down next to me again, and I scoot down a little bit, letting him rest his head on my chest. Cal smiles as he listens to my heartbeat, and he drapes his arm across my stomach. Stretched out like this, with his head a foot further down than usual, his feet hang off the end of the sleeper. I can't imagine it's comfortable, but he doesn't seem to mind. I press a kiss to his forehead and then lean my head back against the wall again, combing my fingers through his hair the way my mother did when I was upset as a child.

"Do you want to talk about it? The nightmare, I mean."

Cal stiffens a little, but then I feel him relax slowly. He stays quiet, long enough that I think he's not going to answer.

"It started with my father. But then she…" He stops talking, swallowing hard and trying to make the words come out. "She didn't stop there. I killed Uncle Julian, and my grandmother, everyone who mattered to me. I saw memories of my mother dying as she whispered that it was my fault. She made me hurt you, slowly, in every way possible. She brought out your family and made me… And after that, she was forcing me to kill you."

His voice is small as he says the last words, and he seems ashamed of them. He hides his face, unwilling or unable to look at me.

"You didn't hurt me," I remind him, combing my fingers through his hair. If anything, I hurt him. None of this would have happened if it weren't for me, if I hadn't been so stupid. "You didn't do anything to my family, or Julian, or anyone else. And what happened to your father wasn't your fault. Elara killed him, and we will make her pay for it, Cal. I promise."

"I know." He clenches his jaw. "I just feel so guilty. I feel like I should have been stronger, like I should have been able to resist her. And I'm afraid of what she might make me do if they find us."

"You are strong, Cal. Nobody could have resisted her. But they're not going to find us," I reassure him. "And you're not going to hurt anyone else."

He tilts his head up to look at me, bronze eyes reading my face like a battle plan. "You don't know that."

"Yes, I do."

I lean down to kiss him, soft and gentle, and try to make him feel what I know. He is a good person. Despite the mistakes he's made in the past and his flawed beliefs, I know this about Cal. He has a good heart, and he tries, so hard, to do what he thinks is right. The world is not black and white, I am learning, and not everyone is a monster just because they are wrong.

Cal holds onto me like a life raft, and when the kiss ends, he brushes his nose across my cheek affectionately. I know that he's really looking for my affection, and tonight I don't mind giving it to him. I press a kiss to his forehead and smile at him and I run my fingers through his hair, brushing the strands back from his face. He needs to know that he is forgiven for what he did before he can let go of his guilt. I don't believe, when it comes to what Elara did, he needs any forgiveness - not from me or anyone else. But I give him mine all the same. He relaxes into me, and as I continue to comb through his dark waves with my fingers, slowly I feel him drift off to sleep. I shift on the bed so that I'm lying down as well, but I keep my arms around him, hoping that my touch can keep Cal's nightmares at bay.