AN: This story has finally been updated.
Enjoy the pain that I have unleashed.
In response to the latest comment:
"To be honest, I don't think you understand what a Gary Stu is if you're willing to brand all the fanfics in this random as such. Then you go and believe that doing something on the opposite spectrum would be better? tell me this, what's better, a character with no real flaws going through a fantasy world about strength, or a character that is weak, won't get strong and is just... average? going through said power fantasy world.
Too perfect is bad, too average is worse."
Number one: I didn't say that all of the fics were gary stu fics, I just haven't found any good ones yet. Number two: this is an experiment. I'm not saying that this is a necessarily good concept, just an experiment. Number three: this is a CRACK FIC. The whole point of the character is just to be average.
Well, my character is mostly average. Except for when he consumes the relic of demonic energy itself, pineapple pizza.
Enjoy the chapter anyways, and maybe actually read author notes? They're usually here for a reason.
-Spirit
Amidst the various pieces of insane evidence that we have unearthed, we were especially paranoid about the fact that there were drugs in the air.
"But are you sure we know that there are actual drugs in the air everywhere? I mean, it could just be a localized area that the drugs are in, and with that we have no proof of the catastrophe." Sakura said, thinking about her "wild" claims.
"We could just test it."
"What do you mean?" Sakura said, tilting her head. "There's no way we could actively activate the drug, right?"
"The cultists do." I said, leaning back on the leather couch in the conspiracy room. Like a guardian angel, it curled around me and comforted me from the world's insanity.
Wait, guardian angel…
"That's an idea!" I said, "Let's just be Chuunibyous for a bit.
"What?" Sakura said, confused.
"In order to beat the enemy, we must become the enemy." I said, making a dramatic pose. "And if means that I have to make a deal with the devil, so be it."
I sighed dramatically and placed my hand on the table.
"It is a price I am willing to pay."
Sakura sighed. "Is there a reason why you're suddenly being so dramatic?"
"It's just to get the creative juices flowing.
…
After ten minutes of scribbling and rewriting a speech that would include as many biblical references (during which my undone calculus homework leered at me from my desk all the while), I had created the perfect balance between insanity and functionality.
Finishing off some cold pizza from the fridge (it was pineapple, of course; leftover from that fateful night back at the church last night), I drew a circle on the ground with chalk and copied some symbols I had seen in the Fate/Stay Night anime rendition onto it.
"Here we go." I thought to myself, hands shaking in anticipation. I had copied a lot from Fate/Stay Night and I wasn't ashamed of it.
"Let silver and steel be of the essence,
The purity of metal be my witness
As I open the gates from the ether,
Be it the path to hell or the stairway to heaven,
A pact with the devil or the blessing of an angel,
I cast forth my fate, the four cardinals fluctuate.
And answer my summons, power within!"
…
(And through the power of consuming pineapple pizza, the exposure to several powerful angels and devils, and one of the fragments of Excalibur, Tantei Keiji's sacred gear, Spectacles of Warning, had gathered enough demonic and holy energy, the power finally called on by the nonsensical chant. The sacred gear finally manifested for the first time in his life, and began shining an ominous, red glow.)
…
"That… sounds extremely cringey." Sakura said. "It's like you bastardized a magical girl transformation chant and something from Unlimited Blade Works."
"Because that's what I did?" I said, looking around for the hallucinations that should have occurred.
"Do you see anything odd, Sakura?" I said, turning to look at her.
She was wearing a terrified expression and pointing at my face.
"What?" I said, looking at my shirt. "Is there something on my face?"
"Y-your glasses." Sakura stuttered, slowly backing away.
I took them off and found that the frame was glowing an ominous red.
"What the fu-"
…
The screams and chaos that echoed through the room made my grandfather laugh crazily for a week and refuse to open his door, citing that "the leech has awakened" and that "it could happen to any of us!".
…
The next day, I carried a gas mask to school.
"Why do you have that?" Somebody asked.
"Chemtrails are real." I said, eyes wide and bloodshot through the glass on the mask, "Buy a gas mask now."
…
"Take off your mask! It's against school policy!" my teacher said, pointing an imposing finger at me.
"I refuse!" I said, shivering. "It could be in with us at this moment!"
She slammed a bunch of papers onto the desk.
"Do you mean these tests? Nice attempt, trying to escape to the nurse's office."
The door was shut, a hand descended on the strap keeping the mask on my face, and I screamed as I breathed in the poisoned air once more.
…
"Why did you get three seventy percents in a row in different classes, and why were you recommended to see a psychologist by five different teachers?"
I had no response, but I was slowly stacking bean cans in a corner while searching on my phone for the most efficient air filterer I could find.
…
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
Was I doing this correctly? Should I really be this paranoid?
Come to think of it, I was acting more and more like grandfather every day. Hoarding beans was only the first step to insanity.
"I was thinking about this wrong!" I thought, hands behind my head. "The drugged gas doesn't have any adverse effects or else various medical institutions would have noticed it!"
Maybe… it was just a hallucinogenic?
Maybe… it really wasn't that bad? And I was just overreacting?
I sighed and closed my eyes.
Answer seeking could wait for another day.
…
"Local nun gone missing! Churchgoers suspicious."
After assimilating into normal life once again, I had taken the weekend to catch up with my studies, take some make up tests, and grind my brain to paste on a calculus textbook.
The conspiracy room was dusty as I opened the door once more. Canned beans lay haphazardly in the corners, along with gas masks and air tanks. I paid the apocalypse supplies no mind as I dusted off the leather chair, sat down, and put the news article on the table.
It was time… to take action. Or at least finally find out what really was going on.
It was time to…. Interview a cultist. And now, there was one place that was bound to be teeming with them. The church.
"Sakura! Get the sword!"
…
"This is eerily similar to the thing we did four days ago." Sakura said, sword in hand, looking at the church.
We were in gas masks (since we really were trespassing in private property), and I had a couple slices of pineapple pizza in my bag, since if the cultists were afraid of the food, I could probably weaponize it.
"Ready?" I said, looking at Sakura. She nodded, placed a foot on the heavy, imposing church doors, and prepared to bust it down…
Only for it to slowly creak open.
Of course they didn't lock it.
After walking down several turning hallways, we arrived at the central altar. Red carpets bordered the smooth, mahogany flooring as lanterns and candles gave the place a rather grim atmosphere..
A low whisper echoed from across the hall.
"Yes…. Soon…. The gear will be extracted by midnight, and the power will be mine!" Somebody cackled.
It was another skimpily dressed "angel". With clothes so revealing that I blushed cherry red under the gas mask, I steeled my nerves, got out a slice of pizza, and crept towards the fanatical and insane "angel". The sauce from the cold pizza dripped onto the expensive carpet and the yellow pineapple reflected bits of the dim candlelight and the green light from the center, where a girl was strapped to it, writhing in pain.
"Who's there?" she suddenly said, turning around and spotting my creeping figure. A spear of light appeared in her hand, and she pointed the weapon at me.
Knowing it was totally fake, I paid it no mind. "It's just a hallucination." I told myself, taking a deep breath.
I said nothing, but charged her, pizza in hand.
Upon seeing the "artifact", she hesitated, eyes going wide and momentarily shivering. Feeling more powerful all of a sudden, I stepped forward and slapped her in the face with the food.
"Aah!" She shouted, recoiling. Her wings stalled and she fell onto the floor, shivering.
Not letting up, I pinned her to the ground, kneeling on her grounded wings, and shoved the pizza into her mouth roughly.
In hindsight, that must have looked so strange from an outsider's point of view. A man in a gas mask and a dark coat shoving pizza into a stripper's mouth. A stripper armed with a spear and having functioning wings.
The nun on the cross opened her eyes and gasped.
I ran up to the cross and examined the structure. There were real, steel chains on a green, glowing cross.
How the hell did nobody notice this in church?
"We're getting you out of here." I said, in a low voice.
"These chains are made unbreakable to mortal means." She said, sighing. "Leave me, and save yourselves while you can."
"I'm pretty sure these are just chains." I said, shrugging. Then, I got out bolt clippers from my bag, and began cutting the chains. Sakura came up to the cross, nudged the comatose angel with her shoe, and cut bolts at a much faster rate than I ever could.
At last, she was freed from the steel chains.
"Unbreakable by mortal means. Really?" I said, dragging her out of the church. "What a bunch of nitwits."
"I-I thought that the chains would be enchanted too!" She said, shaking in disbelief.
"We should probably leave a decoy." Sakura said, looking back at the scene. The stripper still twitched on the floor, foaming at the mouth.
"Why don't we tie the stripper to the cross?"
"Nah, she's too distinctive."
Sakura went in the church's back room, found a broken marble figure of Jesus hanging from the cross (without the cross), and dragged it out from the storage room.
"Help me get this up there.
We hoisted the heavy statue up the cross as Asia watched, and tied it to the statue with some rope and "the chains unbreakable by mortal means".
"They'll never notice."
…
Defeating the angels in the path to rescuing Asia was a pain, but Issei finally did it with the aid of the boosted gear.
"Asia?" Issei called.
'Asia's head fell onto the floor. Issei screamed in anguish.
"Wait." Ddraig said, "That's just a statue's head."
And with that, I close the scene. Please follow, favorite, or review!
-Spirit