Hello and happy Tuesday friends! Thank you as always for all the love you continue to show me and this fic. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story and I'm really excited to share this next chapter with you and can't wait to hear what you think of it. Enjoy and I'll see ya next week for chapter 21!
The rest of furlough passes too quickly and come morning the following Monday, Hailey wakes with a start and a fast beating heart as the nerves begin to take over.
She looks up at Jay still sleeping soundly beside her, his arms around her tightly and his slow, even breaths hitting her forehead. She lifts her arm from across his stomach and brings her hand to his face to drag the tip of her pointer finger over the stubble of his cheek. She can't help smiling softly to herself when he stirs slightly in his sleepy daze only to tighten his arms around her.
He's been so wonderful to her and Avery. Taking care of them and loving them and making sure both of them know he's not going anywhere. Once they had returned to Hailey's house after their trip to his family's cabin it was as if he knew things would shift, and they had. The nightmares that had come and gone sparingly since the incident with Booth had now come to visit her almost every night over the last week.
She had just chalked it up to being back home though. Back where the paranoia and fear clawed at her and gripped her the tightest. She tells herself and her partner multiple times that she's fine, that she's ready to go back to work, that she can't take more time off to sit around and do nothing because that is what will surely drive her crazy.
"Hey, you," his raspy, sleep filled voice calls out to her, breaking her from her thoughts.
Hailey looks up and gives him a small smile. "Morning."
He hums out a response then leans over and presses his lips to her forehead before he says, "Good morning. How'd you sleep?"
"Okay I guess," she shrugs beside him, hoping he doesn't see through her lie as she slides her hand from his cheek down to his chest.
"Are you sure you're ready to go back? Voight would understand if you wanted to take some more time."
Hailey shakes her head at him, sighing heavily. "Please don't ask me that again. I can't just sit around here and do nothing for God knows how long. It's – it would be too much time to think and over-think and I just…I can't do that."
"Okay," he says quietly as he nods slowly. He lifts a hand to the side of her face, moves his thumb over her cheek, then leans in and presses a soft kiss to her forehead once more. "Breakfast then? You should eat something before we head to the district, and just coffee doesn't count."
She rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless, then nods at him. "I'm gonna take a quick shower and then I'll get Avery up and ready for daycare. Vanessa has a few things to do this morning, but she'll pick her up later this afternoon."
He nods once more as he pulls his hand from her face and shuffles away from her to slip out of the bed. She watches him move through the room as he grabs a fresh outfit for the day and when he heads into the bathroom, she pulls herself out of bed. She grabs some clothes and hangs them over her arm, and a few minutes later Jay comes out of the bathroom dressed for the day.
"I'll meet you downstairs," he says as he passes her and kisses the side of her head.
Hailey smiles at him as he leaves the bedroom and then she disappears into the bathroom to get ready for the day. She's showered and dressed a short while later, and heads toward Avery's room. She pushes open the door and finds the little girl just waking up and sitting up in her bed.
"Morning baby," Hailey smiles at her as she walks over to the side of her bed.
"Hi mama," Avery mumbles sleepily.
"Did you sleep okay?"
The little girl nods through a yawn and Hailey pulls back the covers, reaching out a hand to her daughter.
"Daddy's getting breakfast ready for us. What do you say we get you dressed and go downstairs, hmmm?"
Avery nods excitedly at the mention of her daddy and quickly grabs onto her mother's hand. She slides down from her bed and Hailey helps her change into a new outfit, and then they make their way down the stairs.
They find Jay in the kitchen with breakfast waiting and a smile on his face for the both of them. He hoists Avery up onto a stool, kissing her good morning as he does, and then sets a plate down in front of her. He turns back around to face Hailey and nods down to another plate and a cup of coffee on the counter. She grins up at him, reaching out a hand and squeezing his arm as she steps around him and takes a seat.
She mouths 'thank-you' over to him as he leans back against the counter, nursing his own cup of coffee and he smiles back, winking at her.
The first day back at work is seemingly easy enough. Hailey and Jay arrive at the district earlier than their team just like they always do and as the rest of Intelligence begins to enter the bullpen, each of them give Hailey warm smiles with friendly hellos and welcome backs, asking her how she's doing and if she needs anything.
She plays it all off, smiling back and thanking them, telling them she's fine. No one seems to completely believe her, but they let it go nonetheless, each of them retreating to their desks to get their day started.
Voight pulls her into his office mid-morning, nodding at the door when she enters and she closes it behind her. She takes a seat in front of him with a tight lipped smile on her face and waits, knowing what's coming.
"How ya doing, Hailey?" He finally asks, looking across his desk at her.
"I'm fine," she shrugs. "Took the furlough like you said and I'm – I'm good. I'm just glad to be back at work. I'm ready to be back."
He nods slowly as he leans back into his chair, his eyes staring into hers, almost through her. "And you're sure you don't want more time? If you need – "
"I appreciate it Sarge, but I'm good," Hailey tells him, nodding quickly. "Really, I'm fine."
"Okay," Voight says despite his disbelief of his detective's words.
He nods to the door and dismisses her, and stares after her as she leaves his office. He breathes out a heavy sigh and shakes his head as she closes the door behind her.
The day seems to drag from there and nothing pops off that warrants the help of Intelligence and Hailey couldn't be more grateful. The slow pace of her and Jay's first day back after furlough gives them time to get back into the groove of things – pushing paperwork and getting caught up on all that they've missed. Jay is right back to it, as if he wasn't even gone, but Hailey struggles throughout the day. If anyone notices, they don't call her out on it.
She heads downstairs to the front desk a little after lunch with some paperwork that needs Platt's signature and ends up getting cornered by a few patrol officers that are far too nosy for their own good. They have the gall to ask about Booth and what happened in the safe house, and only ask how Hailey's doing as a near afterthought. She is so caught off guard that she can't even answer them, her words getting stuck in her throat and her heart starting to race, but Platt somehow comes out of nowhere to scare off the officers, shooting Hailey a sympathetic smile when they disappear down the stairwell.
"How are you holding up?" Platt asks as she takes the paperwork out of Hailey's hands that she passes over to her across the front desk.
There's a tone of sincerity in the woman's words and a heavy look of concern in her eyes – she's a woman much different from the sarcastic jokester that calls the shots and barks off orders that the 21st district is used to having around.
Hailey shrugs, forcing a smile. "I'm fine."
Platt raises an eyebrow, not believing the words she's sure the detective has been overusing in answering anyone else who asks.
"This is me you're talking to," Platt says, looking back down at the documents in her hands.
"Really, I'm fine," Hailey sighs. "I wish everyone would stop asking. I just wanna forget what happened and move on already."
The older woman hums out a response as she grabs a pen and scrawls her signature over a few pages, then hands them back over to the detective.
Hailey reaches for them, but Platt doesn't let go and leans down over the desk.
"I know you know it's not that simple," Platt says quietly, raising her eyebrows almost warningly before she lets go of the documents. "Take care of yourself, Detective."
Hailey swallows hard and nods, forcing a tight lipped smile as she takes the paperwork and heads up the stairs. She buzzes herself in through the gate and glances over her shoulder at the desk Sergeant, finding a soft smile still etched over Platt's face. Hailey nods again at her then makes her way up to the bullpen.
The rest of the workday drags on in the same slow manner in which it started and when Voight dismisses the team for the day, Hailey breathes out a quiet sigh of relief. Her and Jay head out together down the stairwell and make their way to the parking lot, and he follows behind her in his truck back to her house.
When the partners enter Hailey's house and go into the kitchen they find Vanessa on a stool at the island and Avery sitting in her lap.
"Hi mama! Hi daddy!"
"Hey bug," Jay says, he and Hailey grinning at the sight of the little girl's sweet and smiling face.
"Hi baby. Did you have a good day at school and with auntie?" Hailey asks her as she walks over to her and Vanessa to drop a kiss to the top of Avery's head.
"Yeah! We went to the park after school and got lunch and watched a movie and now we're coloring," Avery says excitedly as she picks up the coloring book in front of her to show her mother. "Look mama!"
"I love it! You're doing a great job," Hailey tells her, lifting a hand to the little girl's head to run her fingers through her hair. "I'm glad you had such a fun day baby."
Hailey steps away from them and circles the island to go to the refrigerator. She pulls out a bottle of water and turns back around, catching the look of concern and the nod of her head that Vanessa gives to Jay.
"Since when are the two of you so chummy?" Hailey asks, her tone a bit more clipped than she intends it to be.
"How was your first day back?" Vanessa asks, ignoring her question.
Hailey rolls her eyes at her deflection and sighs. "It was fine. What do you guys wanna do for dinner?"
Vanessa glances over at Jay again, but he just gives a subtle shrug of his shoulders. She looks back to Hailey and smiles.
"I already ordered a couple pies and Kevin is stopping by too," Vanessa tells her with a smile.
"Okay," Hailey says, nodding to the stairs. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Just yell for me when the food is here."
They both nod and stare after the blonde as she leaves the kitchen to go upstairs. Jay glances over at Vanessa, the two of them sharing a knowing look, and then he looks down at Avery.
"Hey bug?" Jay calls over to the little girl, smiling at her. "Can you please go in the living room and color in there for a bit so I can talk to auntie?"
Avery looks up and smiles back at him, nodding quickly. "Okay daddy!"
He reaches for her and helps her down, and Vanessa hands the little girl her coloring book and box of crayons. She scampers off to the living room and when she disappears around the corner Jay looks back to Vanessa.
"Is she really fine?" The young woman asks.
Jay shrugs again, breathing out a heavy sigh. "That's what she keeps saying, but I don't believe her. I think she's just going through the motions of everything right now."
"Sounds about right," Vanessa says, shaking her head. "You know it's just a matter of time, right?"
"You mean before everything boils over and she snaps? Yeah, yeah I know," Jay sighs again.
"And you're sure you can handle it? Because it's not gonna be pretty and it's not gonna be easy. She's gonna say things she'll regret and try and push you away, push all of us away. She's gonna need you more than she's ever needed you before and she might not be able to admit it."
"I know, but I'm not going anywhere Vanessa," Jay tells her, staring back at her with a look of determination in his eyes. "She can try and push me away all she wants, but I'm not leaving."
"Okay," she breathes out, nodding over at him. "I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I can talk some sense into her."
"Be careful," he tells her with an unsure look on his face.
"I can handle angry Hailey just fine. It's the silent, shut off Hailey that's hard to break through to," Vanessa says, sliding down from the stool and heading for the stairs.
Jay sighs heavily as she goes upstairs, hoping that if anyone can get through to his partner it might just be Vanessa.
She knocks twice on the bedroom door and when she hears Hailey's faint voice telling her to come in, Vanessa enters the bedroom smiles over at the blonde sitting on the bed.
"Hey," she says with a small smile. She closes the door behind her and walks toward Hailey, sitting down beside her. "How ya doing?"
"God, not you too," Hailey groans, tilting her head. "I'm fine!"
"Maybe you are right now, but we both know it's just a matter of time until that changes and you – "
"And I what?" Hailey asks, raising her eyebrows at her friend.
"You shut down."
Hailey sighs, shaking her head, a sardonic laugh escaping her. "I'm not gonna shut down. I'm fine."
She stands from the bed and makes her way to the dresser, pulling out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.
"So you're sleeping okay, then? No nightmares? No flashbacks?" Vanessa asks.
The blonde goes still in front of her dresser, her heart starting to beat just a little too quickly, and then she turns back around to face her friend.
"Nope," Hailey says easily.
"You're good at a lot of things Hailey, but lying to me has never been one of them."
"What do you people want from me?" She scoffs.
"You people? Really? You mean, me? The person who has had your back and stuck by you through hell – twice now, and the guy downstairs who is in love with you that your daughter calls daddy?"
"That's not – you know I didn't mean it like that, Vanessa."
"Then how did you mean it? Because from where I'm sitting all I see are people who love you and want to help you, and you won't let us."
"I don't need help. I'm fi – "
"If you say you're fine one more time, I'm going to scream. We both know you're not. I've been here before with you. I've seen what that guy has done to you, seen you struggle every single day, and I won't let that happen again. You have too much to lose now."
"I'm dealing with it," Hailey tells her.
"How? By not dealing with it at all?" Vanessa asks.
Hailey laughs again, a cynical little snicker as she shakes her head once more and makes her way to the bathroom.
"Jay told me about the nightmares at the lake. You yelling and kicking him in your sleep. That's dealing with it? You need to talk to someone. You need to call Dr. Block and work through this before – "
"I don't need therapy!" Hailey snaps, whipping around and raising her voice so loud that Vanessa flinches at the sound.
Her friend stares back at her with a sad look on her face and eyes full of concern, and then quietly asks, "What about Avery?"
"What about her? She's fine."
"She won't be fine if you lose it and aren't around anymore," Vanessa says sharply then.
Hailey scoffs, giving a slow shake of her head. "I'm not gonna lose it. Whether you wanna believe it or not, I am just fine. And I will keep being fine and I will deal with it just like I did the last time."
"You didn't handle it last time, Hailey!" Vanessa shouts back. "You didn't handle it at all. You stopped going to therapy. You stopped dealing with all of it. Just like you're doing now!"
The bedroom door swings open then and they look over to see Jay standing in the doorway with a look of concern on his face.
"You guys can't do this now. Not with Avery downstairs," he says, glancing back and forth between the two women before he looks over at Vanessa. "This is what you call handling it?"
"Don't worry, we're done," Hailey tells him with a clipped tone as she looks over at Vanessa.
"Food is here, Kev too, if you guys wanna come down," Jay says, looking between the two women, his eyes lingering on his partner.
"I'm not hungry," Hailey says before she turns around and goes into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
Vanessa sighs, dropping her head and when she looks back up at Jay a moment later she rolls her eyes at the quirked eyebrows he has waiting for her.
"I told you it wasn't gonna be easy," she says.
"Backing her into a corner isn't gonna help though. It's just gonna make her defensive and it's definitely gonna make her push us away," he says quietly, glancing over at the bathroom door before he looks back at her. "We need to tread lightly."
"Tread lightly or baby her? You can't coddle this situation. I know you wanna protect her and you wanna help her, but what she needs right now is tough love, not you walking on eggshells around her," Vanessa tells him.
He shakes his head. "Vanessa – "
"I need you to trust me here, Halstead."
He stares back at her with a tilt of his head as every conversation he's had with Hailey over the last couple weeks replay in his mind, and then he sighs heavily.
"Alright," he says with another nod of his head.
"Come on," Vanessa tells him. "Let's leave her be and go downstairs."
"You go ahead. I'll be down in a minute."
Vanessa rolls her eyes again, but nods nonetheless and steps around him to head into the hallway. Jay takes a deep breath before he makes his way to the bathroom door and raps his knuckles gently against it.
"Hailey?" He calls out. He doesn't hear the shower running and thinks she might open the door for him, but she doesn't and he lets out a sigh. "I know you're pissed right now, but you should eat something. Will you come down when you're ready? Please?"
He waits a few moments, but she doesn't respond and he sighs again before he steps away and leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind him.
Hailey leans her head back against the door of the bathroom where she sits on the floor, her legs folded up against her with her arms around her knees and tears streaming down her face. Her chest heaves as quiet sobs rip through her, her heart pounding and her head spinning and the exhaustion beginning to catch up with her.
She sits there on the tiled floor, crying alone as her body trembles, and then she finally picks herself up and stands to her feet a short while later.
She doesn't bother taking a shower, just changes into her sweats and t-shirt, then shuffles out of the bathroom. She turns off all the lights in the bedroom, but doesn't go downstairs. She can't face them right now.
She slips into her bed and turns over onto her stomach, her tears still falling, and then she buries her face into a pillow and screams out a strangled sob into it.
"Where's mama?" Avery asks, looking up from her plate at Jay.
He looks over at her and gives a soft smile on his face, knowing it's been a while and Hailey most likely isn't gonna come down anytime soon, and he's about to lie to his little girl.
"Uh, mama actually went to bed already bug," he tells her, keeping the smile on his face. "She's really tired, but she told me to tell you goodnight and that she loves you, and she'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Oh, okay," Avery shrugs before she digs into her pizza.
He looks back over to Vanessa and the young woman shakes her head, a look of disappointment on her face. They don't talk about Hailey again, not in front of Avery, and instead, eat their dinner and put on a front for the little girl as if nothing is wrong.
They finish their pizza and hang out in the kitchen for a short while until Jay notices the time tells Avery it's almost bedtime. The little girl says goodnight to her Aunt Vanessa and Uncle Kevin, and then Jay carries her upstairs.
He gets her changed into some pajamas and tucks her into bed, and when she asks for a bedtime story with her bright blue eyes and a familiar pout, he can't say no to her this time. She ends up suckering him into reading a second story too and halfway through, she falls sleep against his side.
He slips out of her bed and pulls the blankets up over her, makes sure she has her teddy close by, and then leans down and kisses her on the forehead.
"Sleep tight, bug. Daddy loves you," he whispers to the little girl before he turns off her bedside lamp.
He goes to the other side of the room and switches on her nightlight, then heads out into the hallway, closing the door behind him. He glances over to Hailey's closed bedroom door at the end of the hallway and takes a deep breath before he walks toward it.
He enters Hailey's bedroom quietly and makes his way over to the bed. He's almost certain she's not sleeping and as he reaches the side of the bed his suspicions are confirmed when he finds her eyes open and hears her breathe out a heavy sigh.
"Hailey?" He calls out to her, but she doesn't say a word, so he tries to lighten the mood and playfully asks, "You gonna ignore me now?"
She still doesn't answer him so he sits down on the side of the bed that has quickly become his side, and stares over at her. He reaches out an arm to her and lifts a hand to her shoulder, but she flinches, recoils away from him, and he quickly pulls his arm from her.
"Do you want me to sleep downstairs?"
"Do whatever you want Jay," she says with a heavy sigh before she turns over to the other side in bed with her back to him.
A look of hurt flashes across his face as he stares at her for several moments, and then he glances to the open door. He's not sure whether to stay or go, but the ache that settles in his chest tells him he should give her some space. He stands from the bed and walks over to the dresser, picks up his duffle from the floor beside it and leaves the room. He closes the door behind him with a quiet click and goes downstairs.
He finds Vanessa and Kevin in the living room, cuddled together on one of the couches and flops down to the other, setting his duffle on the floor by his feet.
The couple looks over at him with worried eyes, sharing a look of concern between them before Vanessa sits up and stares him down until he turns his head to meet her eyes.
"She kick you out?"
Jay shakes his head. "I asked her if she wanted me to sleep downstairs. She told me to do whatever I wanted and turned away from me."
Vanessa nods slowly, feeling sorry for the man in front of her as she stares at him, taking in the hurt reflecting in his eyes and the painful look splayed all over his face.
She swallows nervously before she asks quietly, "Did you at least say goodbye to Avery?"
Jay turns his head, his eyebrows scrunching together as he looks over at her. "I'm not leaving Vanessa."
"But I – I thought – "
"I'm not leaving," Jay says again, shaking his head almost defiantly.
Almost a week goes by, but nothing changes. If anything it all just gets worse. Hailey hardly says a word to Jay or Vanessa at home, only puts on a smile for Avery and tries to pretend everything is normal, that it's all just fine.
Her bruises have since faded and her once busted lip is now just a distant memory. The physical injuries have healed, but the emotional trauma has only just begun to settle over her, seeping into every crevice of her mind and body.
She barely sleeps, turning to her usual fix of caffeine to keep her going throughout the day, much like the same woman she was before her partner found out she had a kid he didn't know about.
Jay doesn't leave, but he sleeps on the couch, keeping his distance from Hailey and not touching her in any way after what happened the night she fought with Vanessa. He gives her, her space, but he won't leave. He promised her he wouldn't. Not unless she asked him to and she hasn't yet, but as each day passes and things seem to only get worse, he can't help thinking it's only a matter of time before she shuts down completely and tells him to go.
So he spends as much time with Avery as he can just in case – gets her ready in the mornings and gives her breakfast, and when he returns to Hailey's house after work he lets her help with dinner, being his little sous-chef. They color and play and he makes her laugh, and they watch as many penguin movies and documentaries as he can find since the little girl has become enamored with them. He tucks her in and reads to her before bed on the nights that Hailey doesn't, and it keeps him wondering if the time is soon approaching where she tells him to leave.
It's another Monday that starts off similarly to all the others before it, Hailey and Jay driving in separately to the district, not saying a word to the other when they sit down at their desks. The tension becomes so thick in the bullpen, but no one mentions it, and even Ruzek doesn't crack a joke.
Voight comes out of his office that afternoon, ready to pull Hailey in to chat with her, but then they get a lead on some drug related homicide case they've been working on and the team rolls out.
Hailey and Jay end up chasing down their suspect and they split up. She follows after the guy and Jay goes through a neighboring yard to cut the guy off ahead. And before she realizes what's happening the guy gets the jump on her, coming out of nowhere and shoving her hard up against a garage door in an alleyway.
"Oh, you're a feisty bitch, huh?" The guy snarls, trying to get the upper hand on her as she fights back so he can get away.
But as soon as the words leave his mouth and hit her ears, she isn't in some alley anymore. She flashes back to the safe house. To Booth. To his hands around her throat and his voice in her face.
"Still as feisty as ever," he breathes out.
She keeps fighting against him, trying to distract him with her hands, pushing and pulling at him, and then lifts a leg to try and knee him in the groin. He catches her leg and curls his hand around the back of her neck, and then throws her down to the floor.
"I've seen that trick before Hailey," he shouts over at her, his lips curling into an ugly grin as he stares down at her lying on her stomach.
Hailey completely shuts down in that moment, freezing in place even after Jay shows up and pulls the guy away from her. He throws him to the ground on his stomach and yanks his arms behind him to cuff his hands together, then looks up at his partner.
"Hailey!" Jay calls out, but she doesn't answer. Doesn't even acknowledge he's there with her.
"Hailey!" He shouts again and still nothing.
"Y'all good?" Kevin yells out to them as he and Kim come running up behind them.
Kevin takes one look between Hailey and Jay, then shares a knowing glance with Kim and the two of them pull the suspect up from the ground. They lead him away to Kevin's car at the end of the alley, leaving Jay and Hailey alone.
"What was that? You good?" Jay asks as he stands to his feet and walks over to her.
She shakes her head quickly, her heart pounding and her eyes everywhere except on his. "I – I don't…"
"Hailey," he says, taking another step closer to her. He reaches out his arms toward her and she nearly jumps out of her skin when his hands come near her.
"No!" She cries out, taking a step back.
"Hailey, it's just me," Jay says, his voice quiet and careful as he moves toward her slowly once more and whispers, "It's Jay."
She shakes her head at him, whimpering as she steps further away from him and runs a hand over her face, trying to pull herself back to reality.
"What the hell happened?" Voight yells out gruffly as he comes up the alley from where Kevin and Kim had just gone down.
"Sarge, I…" Jay sighs, shrugging as he glances over at his partner then back to his Sergeant.
Voight looks between his detectives, his eyes lingering on Hailey and taking in her heaving shoulders and the tears streaming down her face now.
He shakes his head knowingly, looking back over to Jay and gruffly says, "Take her back to the district."
He turns around and walks off, and Jay takes a slow step toward his partner, nodding his head down the alley.
"Hailey, come on," he says quietly.
She lifts her eyes to meet his and his stomach sinks at the sight of her crying and shaking and the look of absolute fear on her face.
"I don't – I…" she tries to speak, but can't find the words and shakes her head at him again.
"It's okay," Jay tells her, reaching out a hand to her. "Come on. Let's get you out of here."
She stares at him for a few moments before she finally takes a step toward him, but she doesn't put her hand in his and keeps the space between them as they start walking back to his truck.
She glances over her shoulder at the garage door behind them as they go, replaying what just happened over and over in her head.
When they get back to the district Voight is standing in the doorway of his office and leaning against the doorframe. He gives Hailey a pointed look and she sighs heavily as she walks toward him. He closes the door when she enters his office and heads to his chair as she takes a seat in front of his desk.
"Sarge, I – I'm fine. What happened in the alley…it was just a fluke, I – "
"You're on desk duty until further notice."
"What? You're benching me? Because of that?" Hailey says loudly, standing from the chair and staring down her boss.
"You froze, Hailey. That guy got the jump on you and you froze."
"Did Jay tell you that?" She scoffs.
"Hailey," Voight says carefully. "If you didn't have backup with you, do you have any idea what could have happened?"
"I'm fine!" She says loudly.
"No, you're not. You haven't been fine the entire time you've been back, getting hot-headed and snapping off at people. Me…the team. So until you get your head right and a doctor clears you, you're out of the field and tied to a desk," Voight tells her, then nods to the door. "Go home."
"Sarge – "
"Go home, Hailey," he tells her again with a clipped and final tone.
She huffs, shaking her head with a tight lipped smile of annoyance coming over her face, and then she heads for the door. She pulls it open and steps out into the bullpen, ignoring the eyes of her teammates as she slams Voight's office door behind her and goes to her desk.
"Are you happy now?" She sneers as she passes her partner in his chair.
"Hailey…" Jay calls out quietly, looking up at her.
"Don't," she bites back, shaking her head at him.
She grabs her keys from her desk then turns on her heels and heads out of the bullpen.
Jay walks up the driveway of Hailey's house a few hours later, hanging his head as he reaches the front door and knowing what he's in for the moment he goes inside. He turns the handle and steps over the threshold, closing the door quietly behind him, then heads into the kitchen.
He finds Hailey sitting at the island, a glass in front of her of what he assumes is tequila – her drink of choice. He sets his keys on the counter and stands on the other side of the island, facing her.
"Where's Avery?" He asks quietly.
"Upstairs," she tells him before she picks up the glass and brings it to her lips.
"And Vanessa?"
"I don't know. Out with Kevin, I guess. She left shortly before you got here."
"Hailey…"
"Don't," she says, shaking her head and snickering. "Just don't."
"We need to talk about it."
"Talk about what?"
"What's going on with you? With all of this? You – you're spinning out," he says, staring over at her.
"I'm spinning out? Really?"
"Yeah," he breathes out, nodding at her. "You gonna try and tell me you're not? Pretend that everything is fine and shut me out some more? I just want you to talk to me and tell me how you're feeling so I can try to help you."
She snickers again and knocks back the rest of the tequila in her glass before she stands from the stool and moves around the island. She drops the glass in the sink and whips around to face him.
"So you can help? What do you wanna know Jay? You want me to tell you how I see his face every time I close my eyes at night? Every night since we've been home? How – how I can't sleep without feeling his hands on me or smelling his breath in my face? You want me to tell you how I feel him – on top of me and – and pulling at my clothes and touching me. Is that what you wanna hear?"
A look of pain flashes across his face and he shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me? Why – why didn't you…All I've ever wanted to do is be there for you."
"That's not what you wanna know. Ask the real questions. Ask me how screwed up I really am? Ask me at what point do you cut your losses and run for the hills? Because that's what you wanna know, Jay. And if you want an out, then I'll give you one."
"Hailey, that's not what I want. You know that's not what I want. I want you to get help, admit that you need help. I – I want you to talk to someone and work through everything. You can't keep going on like this."
"I don't need help! I need you and everyone else to get off my case about this, ok? I'm so sorry that I'm not your perfect little Hailey anymore, but there's the door, Jay!" she nearly shouts, lifting an arm and pointing to the front of the house. "You're free to leave whenever you want to. No one is forcing you to stay."
"Hailey…" he sighs heavily, shaking his head at her.
"What!" She shouts again, snapping her head up to look at him.
He shakes his head slowly, blowing out a deep breath. "You can use me as your punching bag all you want. You can throw whatever words at me that you think might hurt me, but I'm not going anywhere."
She scoffs, turning around and wiping at the tears that begin to fall just as Avery comes running into the kitchen from upstairs with her teddy bear in her arms and a happy grin on her face.
"Mama, can we watch the movie now?" The little girl asks excitedly as she looks over at her mother.
"Not right now Avery," Hailey tells her.
"You said we can watch the penguin movie together," Avery says.
"Avery, I said not now. Just go into the living room and color for a little while, okay?" Hailey says, stepping over to the sink to find some sort of distraction with putting dishes in the dishwasher.
"But mama – "
"Avery, I said not now!" Hailey yells, her booming voice not even recognizable to her own self. She drops the mug in her hands back into the sink and turns to look at the little girl, shouting again, "Just let me be for ten minutes and go in the damn living room!"
Jay winces, a look of disappointment in his eyes as Avery flinches at the sound of her mother's loud voice. She steps back in an instant and cowers behind Jay's legs, peeking around him to look up at Hailey.
"O-okay mama," the little girl stutters through a whisper before she backs out of the kitchen and runs off into the living room.
Tears fill Hailey's eyes in seconds, regret consuming her instantly as she stares after the little girl. She brings a hand to her mouth, gasping into her palm as a strangled sob escapes her. She takes a step toward the island, leaning over it as she drops her hand from her face and collapses onto the counter on her elbows. She shakes her head, in disbelief and shame and guilt.
"What the hell did I just do?" She whispers as she looks up at Jay.
"You snapped at our four year old," he says quietly.
"I – I don't…I didn't mean to," she shakes her head quickly, her tears falling from her eyes and more filling them seconds later as she looks toward the living room then back to him.
"I know," he nods.
"I scared her. I – I yelled at her and she – she looked at me…she looked at me like I used to look at my father."
"You're not your father, Hailey," Jay tells her, shaking his head and stepping toward her. "I know you're struggling with all of this, but I can only do so much here. I can love you through anything, and I will, but you need to talk to someone. You need to – you need to deal with this."
"I know," she sighs, nodding and wiping at her tears.
"I mean it, Hailey. Snapping at me or Vanessa, the team and Voight, that's one thing. We're adults and we can handle it. We expect it after everything you've been through," he tells her, his voice calm and even-keeled as he takes another step closer, and then his voice grows stern as if scolding a child when he says, "But what just happened now with Avery? That can't happen again. She's just a little girl who has no idea what's happening or what you're going through, and she loves you. So talk to someone and work through things and if you won't do it for yourself, then do it for her because she needs you."
"You really think therapy is going to help with this? I just – I just yelled at a four year old. I have never raised my voice with her…ever. And I – "
"I promise if you put the work in and talk to someone, it'll help. You just gotta take it one day at a time," Jay tells her.
She whimpers, shaking her head as she tries to not break down in front of him.
"Hailey, it's okay. We knew this would happen – that everything would catch up. The nightmares and what happened at work today. I know it's hard right now, but I promise you we'll figure it out," he says as he takes a step toward her and stands a couple feet away from her at the island. He leans over the counter, resting on his elbows as he stares over at her and says again, "It's okay."
"Don't say that. It's not okay," she breathes out, shaking her head again as she looks at him.
"We'll figure it out," he tells her again, wanting nothing more than to reach for her and pull her into his arms, but he knows he has to let her come to him.
"None of this is okay, Jay!" She groans, loud and frustrated as she runs a hand through her hair and stares back at him with tears streaming down her cheeks. "I feel like – like I'm losing my mind. And I just – I just yelled at her. I yelled at her and scared her and…"
"Hailey…"
"I can't deal with this," she says suddenly, shaking her head quickly as she starts pacing back and forth beside the island.
"Yes, you can," Jay tells her as he stands up straight and steps toward her, standing in front of her now. "You can and you will and you'll be okay again. It's just gonna take time. You gotta put in the work. It's not gonna be easy, but I know you can do it."
"What if I can't? What if I can't get past it?"
"You will," he tells her. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Hailey. You've already overcome so much and you'll get past this too. And I'm gonna be there for you, with you, every step of the way as long as you'll have me. You're not alone in this."
She stares back at him, her bottom lip trembling, tears filling her eyes and falling down her face quickly, and then the floodgates open entirely as she breaks down in front of him.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "Jay, I – I'm so sorry."
"It's oka – "
"Please stop saying it's okay, it's not. You – you've been so good to me and I – I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I iced you out and I'm sorry," she cries, taking the few steps toward him and throwing herself into his arms for the first time in a week. She wraps her arms around his waist, clutching him tightly as she continues to cry against his chest. "I'll talk to someone. I'll go to therapy. I'll do it. Just please don't leave me. I – I'm sorry."
"I'm not leaving," he tells her as he lifts a hand to the back of her head slowly and brings his other arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tightly against him. "I promise you I'm not leaving. It's gonna be alright."
He holds her and lets her cry, lets her get out as much of it as she can until her cries and panicked breaths turn to hiccups against him.
"It's gonna be okay," Jay whispers, squeezing her once more.
She nods against his chest and then he loosens his hold on her to look down at her and she lifts her eyes to his.
"I need to go check on Avery. Why don't you take a few minutes and then come in there with us?"
"You go," she says, shaking her head and wiping under her eyes. "I'm probably the last person she wants to see right now."
"That's not true. That kid loves you and she needs you, Hailey."
He stares at her for a moment then gives a gentle squeeze to her shoulder. "Come in when you're ready."
She nods slowly, whispering, "Okay."
Jay nods back then steps away from her and heads into the living room. He finds Avery huddled into a corner of the couch with her space teddy clutched to her chest.
"Hey bug," he calls over as he makes his way toward her.
She looks up at him and his heart aches at the sight of tears in her eyes and those that have already started trickling down her cheeks.
"Hi daddy," she says quietly, squeezing her teddy bear tighter against her as a harsh hiccup escapes her.
Jay sits down beside her, holding his arms out to her and the little girl immediately crawls into his lap. She rests her head against his chest, still clutching tight to her teddy bear as he wraps his arms around her.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah baby?"
"Did I do something bad? Is that how come mama yelled at me?"
"No! God no," Jay says quickly, squeezing his arms around the little girl. "You didn't do anything bad. You didn't do anything, bug."
"Then why did mama yell?" Avery mumbles into his chest.
Jay breathes in and out deeply a few times before he removes his arms from around the little girl and pulls her away from his chest just enough so that he can look down into her eyes.
"Mama is just really sad right now because of what happened with the bad guy, but she's gonna see a doctor and get some help so she's not sad anymore, okay?"
Avery nods. "Does mama have dreams about the bad guy? Like I did?"
"Yeah baby, she does."
"Mama never yells," Avery says quietly, looking down and twisting the ears of her teddy bear for a moment before she looks back up at Jay. "It – it scared me."
"I know baby," he says, leaning down to press a kiss to the little girl's forehead. "But it's not your fault, okay? I need you to know that and I need you to believe daddy when I say you didn't do anything wrong. Do you understand me?"
"Yeah," she says with another nod. "Can you make her happy again daddy? Like when we went swimming at your house at the lake and we were dancing. Mama was really happy there."
Jay smiles sadly as he nods back at her, tears burning in his eyes as he nearly chokes out, "Yeah, bug. Daddy's gonna try."
He holds her for a few more minutes, presses another kiss to her forehead before a whispered voice cuts through the silence of the living room.
"Avery?"
The two of them look up as Hailey enters the living room, tears streaming down her face again as she walks toward them. She sits beside them on the couch and looks over at her daughter, the guilt churning over in her stomach and bile nearly rising in her throat when she sees the tear stained cheeks on her little girl's face.
"Oh baby," Hailey breathes out, trying to smile at the little girl through her teary eyes as she reaches her arms out to her. "Can mama please hold you?"
The hesitant look on her daughter's face nearly breaks Hailey all over again as Avery looks up at Jay then back to her mother, but she gives a little nod a second later. She crawls out of Jay's lap and moves toward Hailey and lets her mother scoop her into her arms. The little girl stares up at her, taking in the tears in her eyes and the sad look on her face and reaches a hand up to one of Hailey's cheeks.
"It's okay mama. Daddy said you're sad."
Hailey nods, placing a hand over Avery's, but then she shakes her head and pulls the little girl's hand from her face to hold it in her lap.
"I am sad, but what I just did to you isn't okay. It's never okay and mama owes you an apology. I shouldn't have yelled at you," Hailey tells the little girl, shaking her head again and squeezing Avery's hand in her own. "It was wrong and it was mean and it will never happen again, okay? I'm so sorry, Avery. I know I scared you and mama is so sorry."
She lets go of Avery's hand to wrap her arms around the little girl and pulls her against her chest, holding her close.
"I'm sorry baby," Hailey cries out over the side of the little girl's head. She squeezes her arms around her daughter and whispers again, "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay mama," Avery tells her again, burying her face into Hailey's neck and clinging to her. "You're gonna see a doctor and not be sad anymore, right?"
"Yeah, baby. I'm gonna go and see a doctor, I promise," Hailey tells, squeezing the little girl once more. "I swear to you I will never yell at you like that again. I promise."
"It's okay mama. I forgive you," Avery tells her before she lifts her head from Hailey's neck to look up at her. "You wanna watch a movie with me? We can cuddle like at daddy's house at the lake."
"You still wanna watch it with me?" Hailey asks her, letting out a breathy laugh despite the terrible ache that rushes through her. "It's okay if you just wanna be with daddy right now."
Avery shakes her head, dropping her head to Hailey's chest again and gripping the front of her shirt tightly in her little hands. "I wanna cuddle with you."
"Okay," Hailey whispers, smiling through her tears in pure relief that she didn't mess everything up. That her daughter still wants to be close to her despite what she's just done. She pulls Avery from her chest and turns the little girl around in her lap, wrapping her arms around her once more before leaning down and kissing the side of her head. "Penguin movie, right?"
Avery nods, leaning back into her mother's arms and resting her head against her chest again.
Hailey glances over at Jay and he gives a soft smile as he grabs the remote from the coffee table. He turns on the television, quickly finds a penguin movie for them to watch and presses play, but Hailey doesn't watch the movie.
Instead she leans back into the couch cushions, tightens her arms around her daughter and presses her lips into the little girl's hair until she loses count of the number of times she does it. She holds her tight and close, rocking her slowly and gently in her arms, as more tears fill her eyes and the guilt of what she's done seeps into every part of her.
At some point during the movie and the gentle rocking in her mother's arms, Avery starts to fall asleep. The little girl's once tight grip on one of her mother's hands loosens and her head lolls to the side, resting on Hailey's arm.
Hailey sighs quietly, her eyes closing momentarily as she leans her head down and rests it against her daughter's.
"You're really gonna do it?" Jay asks her from the other end of the couch.
She opens her eyes and looks over at him, then nods slowly. "I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment. I – I have to. Tonight can't ever happen again."
He nods back at her, a sad smile coming over his face as he watches her with her arms around Avery, the one absolute thing that could make her realize she needs help. That she's not fine no matter how much she tries to pretend she is.
The movie continues playing on the television, but it goes unwatched as Jay keeps his eyes on Hailey and she keeps her arms around Avery. She continues rocking the little girl back and forth in her arms, kisses the side of her head over and over, holding onto her for dear life.