Nearly four days later on Friday afternoon Hailey sits in a hard, uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of a small office. She made good on her word and made the phone call that she had been putting off for months and was somehow able to get an appointment with her previous therapist.
She shuffles in her seat, trying to make herself more comfortable, but her nerves are completely shot and she can't help the way her knee bounces uncontrollably in front of her or the way she chews on her bottom lip.
She's about to step into a room to once again talk about her past and divulge the new dark and scary secrets of her life to a woman she hasn't seen or spoken to in almost four years. And as much as she would love to stand up and run out of the room, she knows she can't.
She had already broken one promise to Avery. She wouldn't break another.
Hailey had cursed herself that entire night after she had snapped at her daughter and they'd all gone to bed. She cried into her pillows, tossed and turned until after midnight before she pulled herself out of her bed and ended up in Avery's room.
She slipped into the twin sized bed and pulled her sleeping daughter into her side with an arm wrapped around the little girl. She laid her head above Avery's over the pillows, told herself over and over that she was gonna get help, tried to convince herself everything would be okay, and managed to sleep a few hours that night.
The next three days after that night weren't much better either.
She had snapped again at Jay the morning after only to realize what she had done and apologized to him quickly, but he just shook his head, assured her it's fine and walked away from her to give her some space.
Vanessa hadn't even spoken to her since the night they argued. The young woman has kept her distance, choosing to spend most nights at Kevin's house to avoid any more fights, and work is a nightmare in and of itself. She hasn't spoken to anyone unless she's had to and only if it's work related except for the thirty seconds it took for her to tell her Sergeant she was going to talk to someone.
Other than that she's kept to herself. She's pushed paperwork and helped where necessary and ignored Jay's concerning glances as she went.
"Hailey Upton?"
A sudden voice pulls her from her thoughts and she looks up from staring down at her hands in her lap, meeting the friendly eyes of the smiling receptionist behind a desk.
"Yeah, that's me," Hailey says, offering a tight lipped smile.
"She's ready for you now. You can head in."
Hailey nods at the young woman and stands to her feet, swallowing nervously as she makes her way down the familiar hallway to a closed door at the end of it. She takes a deep breath, swallows back a lump that forms in her throat and turns the handle on the door, then steps inside.
She takes a few moments to look around at her surroundings, taking in the pale pastels of yellow and green on the walls and the furniture throughout. There's a small grey couch against one wall with end tables on either end, an oval shaped coffee table in front of it, and a dark blue tufted accent chair off to the side near the corner.
Directly across from the couch on the other side of the coffee table is another dark blue accent chair with a middle-aged brunette woman sitting in it, black rectangular framed glasses rest over the bridge of her nose and she wears a kind smile on her face.
"Hi Hailey," the woman says.
"Dr. Block," Hailey greets with a short nod and another tight smile before she closes the door behind her.
The woman lets out a low laugh with a shake of her head, her dark brown hair falling over her shoulders at the movement. She reaches over to a table next to her chair and grabs a notebook and pen, then looks back up at Hailey.
"I know it's been a while since we last saw one another, but please, call me Rachel."
Hailey nods again, breathing out a quiet sigh. "Rachel."
The woman lifts a hand, gesturing to the open chair and the small couch. "Take a seat."
Hailey walks further into the room, stepping around an end table and sits down on the couch facing the woman. She crosses her arms over her chest almost instinctively then crosses one leg over the other at the knee.
"It's been a while," Rachel says again, tilting her head at the blonde. "How have you been?"
"Not too great if I'm back here, doc," Hailey scoffs.
The woman doesn't even bat an eye at the remark, instead leans back in her chair with the same kindness in her eyes and a small smile still on her face.
"Are you still a police officer? Detective, right?" Rachel asks.
"Yeah," Hailey breathes out.
"You haven't been on the force very long have you?"
Hailey shakes her head. "Almost seven years. I was a patrol officer less than two years before my CO…my commanding officer pulled me into undercover operation. It was before – "
"Before?"
Hailey swallows hard, then says, "Before the first time. With – with Booth."
Rachel nods, jotting a quick note in the notebook on her lap, her eyes still on Hailey as she scrawls a few words across the page.
"And then?" The doctor asks.
"The undercover assignment ended up being a bigger deal than anyone anticipated. I was under for a year, got hurt on the job, but we nailed the guys we were after and I guess I impressed the right people. I was meritoriously promoted to detective a couple weeks after."
"And after the promotion?"
Hailey sighs, shaking her head, then bites out, "You already know all of this!"
"I know, but it's been years Hailey. We have to revisit the past in order to help you in the present. You know this."
Hailey gives another shake of her head and repositions her leg over her knee as it begins to bounce again, then breathes out a heavy sigh.
"Six months after my promotion a meth crew fell into my lap," she says quietly, her eyes falling to the floor as she continues to speak. "I went under again with my partner at the time. We got in pretty easily, made people trust us, and then we met Ron Booth, the guy we were after."
"Your partner was Garrett, right?" Rachel asks, as she looks back a few pages in her notebook.
"You kept your notes on me from back then?"
"I keep all my notebooks on my patients."
Hailey shakes her head again, a sardonic little chuckle escaping her as she looks at the woman.
"Then why do I have to relive this crap all over again if you already have the answers in that damn book of yours? Let's just cut the chit chat and get into it already!"
"Get into it?"
"Yeah," Hailey breathes out. "Otherwise I'm just wasting my damn time again. And yours too."
"You know that's not how I do things, Hailey."
The blonde tilts her head and stares back at the woman with a glare of annoyance in her eyes.
"Okay," Rachel says, crossing one leg over the other and staring back at the blonde, unblinking and undeterred. "Why are you here then, Hailey?"
"Because of Booth," she says quietly, wiping under an eye at a traitorous tear that falls out of nowhere.
Rachel shakes her head slowly. "He might be the reason for your pain, but what made you come back here? What was the reason?"
Hailey sighs heavily, swallowing another lump down in her throat then shrugs.
"Why are you here Hailey?" Rachel asks again with a more commanding tone.
"Because I broke a promise," Hailey mutters, her eyes dropping to the floor again as she shakes her head slowly. "Because I can't yell at my daughter again the way I did four days ago."
Rachel stares at her as she stares at the floor, a flash of pain coming over the blonde's face.
"I – I can't let what happened to me turn me into my father. I'll never forgive myself. I still haven't forgiven myself. I actually kinda hate myself to be honest. For what I did to her."
"Why did you yell at her?"
"I don't even know," Hailey sighs, lifting her eyes to meet the woman's gaze. "She – she came into the kitchen and I was – I was just so angry and frustrated and fed up."
"With her?"
"No!" Hailey says quickly, shaking her head. "With everything else. Work and dealing with things and trying to convince everyone I was fine when I knew I wasn't. I'm not fine. It all kind of just…"
"Got out of your control?"
"Yeah," Hailey nods. "I've never yelled at Avery before. Never even raised my voice with her. I made one rule, one promise and I broke it in a matter of seconds. And the look on her face…God, I'll never be able to get that image out of my head. The way she backed away from me. The way she looked at me. How she hid behind Jay. That kid is one of the only good things I've done. She's the best part of my life and I – I almost ruined everything."
"Would you have raised a hand to her?"
"What?"
"Would you have hurt her?"
"I would never hurt my daughter. Not like that. Not ever," Hailey says with a stern voice and unblinking eyes as she stares back at the woman.
Dr. Block nods slowly, scrawling something across the page of the small notebook in her lap. She looks back to Hailey a moment later and smiles softly.
"Who is Jay?"
"What?"
"You said Avery hid behind him. Who is he?"
"He's my partner at work. We're both part of the Intelligence unit."
"What's he like?"
"He…he's wonderful," Hailey tells her with a shrug.
"Wonderful how?"
"He's a great partner, always has my back, knows I have his and he doesn't ever question how I do my job. Usually anyway, unless I'm about to do something dumb. I trust him completely and without question."
"And what about when you're not at work? Do you trust him then?"
"I always trust him. If I were to follow anyone blind, it'd be him."
"How is he when the two of you aren't at work together?"
"The same," Hailey says. "He…he's sweet and supportive. He's never made me feel bad or ashamed of my past, the things I've been through. And he loves Avery. He absolutely adores her and she loves him so much. She calls him daddy."
"But he's not, right?"
"What do you mean?" Hailey asks.
"Jay isn't her father. You told me in previous sessions that your old partner is her father. Garrett, right?"
Hailey shakes her head slowly, swallowing hard. "Jay may not be Avery's father by blood, but he is in every way that matters."
Dr. Block nods again, tilting her head just slightly.
"Are you and Jay together? Romantically?"
"Um, yeah, we are, but it's a little complicated I guess."
"How so?"
"We…uh, I don't know," Hailey sighs. "We – we love each other. He's told me he's not going anywhere and he hasn't. He's been by my side through everything the last few months. I just…um…"
"You just what?"
"I want things to be normal again. I don't – I don't want him to treat me differently or tiptoe around me because he thinks something might upset me. I – I want us to be us. I miss the way things used to be. Like we were before…before…"
"Before?"
"Before I was attacked again," Hailey says.
"Things with Jay were good before then? You were happy?"
"Yeah, for the most part."
"What do you miss about it?" Rachel asks.
"Little things I guess," Hailey says with a shrug. "Flirting and the teasing, the way he used to look at me, touch me."
"Does he not touch you anymore?"
Hailey shakes her head. "Only if I initiate it these days. I kind of…I've been snapping at him. Icing him out. I don't know why."
"He must love you very much, care for you deeply," Rachel comments, tilting her head with an inquisitive look on her face.
"Yeah," Hailey nearly whimpers with a nod of her head as she wipes under her eyes. She doesn't even know at what point the tears came, but they continue to fill her eyes and fall just as fast as they appear.
Rachel leans forward over the coffee table and pushes a box of tissues toward the blonde, a small smile on her face.
Hailey uncrosses her legs and reaches for the box, tipping her head in thanks as she grabs a few tissues, and then leans back into the couch.
"Does Jay live with you and Avery?" Rachel asks a moment later.
"Not officially or anything, but he's been staying with us, yeah."
"Where does he sleep? With you?"
Hailey shakes her head. "He's been sleeping on the couch. We haven't – we haven't shared a bed in over a week. Since I – I lost it on everyone. He's been very understanding and respects my personal space."
"Why aren't you sleeping in the same bed?"
"I don't even know," Hailey sighs. "It just kind of happened. Like I said, I snapped at him. I – I was a bit of a bitch to him actually."
"Have you talked about it? Apologized?"
"Yeah, I apologized. Not sure if it was enough though. He's – he really has been wonderful. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be a lot worse off than I am right now," Hailey tells her, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. She sniffs back more tears then meets Rachel's eyes again. "He – he saved me. From…from Booth."
"Did he save you the same way Garrett did?" The woman asks carefully.
Hailey nods slowly as her bottom lip begins to tremble and she wipes at her eyes again as she whispers, "Yeah."
Rachel goes silent, allowing Hailey a few moments to breathe and regain some composure as her tears continue to fall.
Hailey wipes away at them frustratingly and then she snickers, almost maniacally, as she shakes her head. "Why did this have to happen twice? Why?"
She stares at Rachel with a still trembling lip and teary eyes that plead with her for answers, for some sort of reasoning – anything to help all of it make sense.
"I can't answer that, Hailey," she says softly, her kind, brown eyes staring back at the blonde. "What I can tell you is that I can help you if you let me. Therapy isn't easy. It's messy and scary and it's not some quick fix thing. You have to be willing to dig deep inside yourself and face the things you've been through. There are no cutting corners or shortcuts, not in this room, not with me."
Hailey nods slowly, wiping at her eyes again with the tissues and then she takes a deep breath. "What do I do then?"
"Tell me what you want out of this. What are you hoping to achieve by being back here with me?"
Hailey stares at her, unblinking and silent as she mulls over the question in her head.
What did she want out of this?
"I just wanna be okay again. Feel safe again. I wanna sleep through the night and not freak out when Jay touches me. I want – I wanna be better," Hailey says, wiping at her eyes once more. She takes another quick deep breath, then nearly whispers, "I just want my life back."
Rachel nods with another soft smile on her face. She closes her notebook and sets it and her pen down on the table beside her, and then she leans forward in her chair, rests her elbows on her knees, and stares back at Hailey.
"Therapy isn't a quick fix Hailey, and it won't be easy," Rachel reminds her. "But I can promise you it will be worth it. Will you let me help you?"
"Yeah," Hailey whispers after a few silent moments. She sniffles back more tears and dabs the tissues at her eyes once more then nods. "Yeah, I will."
A soft timer goes off from the table beside Rachel's chair, alerting the two of them that their time together has ended for the day. The woman reaches over to switch it off then looks back to Hailey.
"I know it wasn't easy for you to come back here, but I'm really glad you did. We'll work through things together, one session at a time, okay?"
"Okay," Hailey breathes out.
Rachel smiles, nodding her head slowly. "Okay. I will see you next week then at the same time. Could you please do something for me for our next session?"
"What's that?" Hailey asks, both curious and terrified.
"I want you to make a list of things that make you feel like yourself. Things that bring you joy or peace or that feeling of safety you mentioned earlier. It could be something as simple as going for a walk or watching your favorite movie or cooking your favorite meal. And then I want you to make an honest effort to do those things."
"And what if I don't? Or I – I can't?"
"You just need to try. And if you are able to do them, write down how it made you feel. It doesn't have to be paragraphs long. It can be a couple sentences or even just one word. Just write it down, okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, okay," Hailey nods. "I can try that."
"Good," Rachel smiles, then gestures to the door. "Alright Hailey. Take care and I'll see you next week."
Hailey somehow feels even worse than she did before she sat down in Rachel's office. She knew it wouldn't be easy talking to the woman again. Answering questions and talking about her life, diving headfirst into the trauma of her past and even her present, but she hadn't expected to feel so completely exposed either. As if she's been cracked open in half, allowing every single fear, thought and emotion she has ever had ooze out of her.
She cries on the way home and wipes frustratingly at her eyes when she parks her Jeep in the driveway outside her house.
She takes a moment to herself, leaning back against the headrest and closing her eyes as she takes a few deep breaths and attempts to calm herself down.
After another few minutes she unbuckles herself, gets out of her car and makes her way to the front door.
When she steps inside, she's immediately hit with a delicious aroma of something that smells a lot like an Italian dish. She closes the door behind her and kicks off her sneakers in the entry way, then heads into the kitchen.
She finds Jay standing in front of the sink and as she steps further into the kitchen and catches his eye, he turns to face her.
"Hey," he smiles softly at her.
"Hi," she says quietly before glancing around the kitchen. "What smells so good in here?"
Jay points to the oven, his lips curling upwards into a smirk. She quirks an eyebrow at him and walks over to it to peek inside, then turns back around to face him and smiles a little wider at him.
"Is that lasagna?"
"It is and it's my mom's recipe. I swear it'll be the best lasagna you've ever had," Jay tells her with a smug little grin now.
"When did you have time to make lasagna? You were still at the district when I left. And I didn't see Vanessa's car so I'm assuming she left not too long after you got here."
"I stopped at the store on my way here and actually kicked Vanessa out. She was a little too eager though, said something about plans with Kev," Jay says with a chuckle. "And Ave is a great little sous-chef. Also really likes snacking on cheese when she thinks I'm not looking."
Hailey shakes her head, grinning now as she stares at him, and then she notices a box on the on the island counter. She reaches for it, thinking some package was delivered during the day, and picks it up only to find it's not some postmarked package, but something that was bought recently and not by her.
"What's the baby monitor for?" Hailey asks as she looks across the counter at Jay.
"I uh – I bought it…for Avery."
"Why?" She asks, quirking an eyebrow at him.
"Okay, uh, I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to worry and it hasn't happened again since. She – she said she would tell me if it did."
"If what happened again?" Hailey asks, her eyes widening and filling with worry.
"When we were at the lake, that morning Ave and I made you breakfast? She told me she had a nightmare about…about the 'bad guy yelling at mama.' I just – "
"What? Why – why didn't she tell me? Why didn't you tell me? And before now?"
"I swear I didn't keep it from you intentionally. The conversation with Avery just happened and she seemed okay after. I didn't wanna upset you," he says with a shrug of his shoulders and a heavy sigh. He stares over at her then says quietly again, "I just didn't wanna upset you. I'm sorry."
The worry leaves her and quickly turns to anger at the sudden revelation and she opens her mouth to speak, but closes it a second later as she stares back at him. Her heart is pounding, chest heaving, hands shaking at her sides, and the look on Jay's face tells her he's bracing for another explosive argument.
But it doesn't come.
Hailey's not sure how it happens or why, or what makes her take a moment to compose herself and think over her words before she says them, but she's grateful for the forethought.
She opens her mouth again and speaks, taking both herself and Jay by surprise at the calm and quiet tone of her voice.
"I know you're trying to protect me, but if this is gonna work between us you can't…you can't keep things like that from me. Even if you think I'll freak out or it might hurt me, and especially when it involves Avery."
"I know," Jay says, nodding quickly. "I know and I'm sorry. I won't do it again."
She nods, sighing quietly, and then a moment later asks, "Are you sure she's okay?"
"Yeah," Jay nods again with a small and sheepish smile on his face. "I got the monitor just in case. Figured if she does have another nightmare and wakes up in the middle of the night, I would hear her."
"Okay," she says, nodding once more. She takes a deep breath and steps around him to go to the refrigerator.
"I'll get another set so you can keep one in your room if you want," Jay suggests, staring at the back of her head as she pulls out a bottle of water and closes the fridge, then turns back to face him.
"Okay," she says again.
"Are you alright?" He asks, noticing a look of something he can't quite place in her eyes.
"Yeah," she breathes out, offering a small smile to him as her heart rate begins to slow, and then she's nodding again. "Yeah, I'm okay."
Jay nods, but doesn't say anything and she's quick to notice the look on his face, how he seems nervous all of a sudden.
"What is it now?" Hailey asks, tilting her head.
"Nothing," he says quickly. "I uh – just one second."
She stares after him curiously as he leaves the kitchen and goes into the living room. He comes back a few moments later with a bag in hand with what seems to be a pretty hefty item as he sets it down on the counter of the island with a thud.
"I got you something too," he says quietly, glancing between her and the mystery item.
She stares at him for a moment before she takes a step forward to stand beside him in front of the counter. She reaches into the bag, gripping tightly to whatever it is that's inside and pulls it out. She sets it on the counter with another thud and stares down at it for a few seconds before she looks back up at her partner.
"What – "
"It's a weighted blanket. I – I remembered my therapist mentioning them during one of my sessions and did some more Googling and I – I don't know. I thought it might help you sleep."
She looks back down at the gift in front of her, feeling tears in the corners of her eyes as she stares at it.
"Maybe I shouldn't have," Jay says suddenly as he takes in the almost tepid look on her face, and then he's shaking his head. "I can take it back. I just thought it might help. I'm sor – "
She brings her eyes back to his and shakes her head at him, a small smile on her face as she looks up at him. Her smile falters just slightly a second later as she replays the conversation she had with Dr. Block a short while earlier and remembers the little assignment she'd been given for her next session.
Things that bring you joy or peace or that feeling of safety…
She takes a step toward Jay, her breath hitching in her throat as the nerves take over, but before she can talk herself out of it, she takes another step. She closes the last bit of space between them and leans in to wrap her arms around his waist, and then rests her head against his chest. She can tell she catches him off guard as he stumbles back a step from the slight force of her throwing herself into him.
"Thank you," she mumbles against him. It's not lost on her that he doesn't lift his arms around her in return so she tightens hers around his waist and says softly, "Please hug me back."
"Are you sure? I – don't…"
"I'm sure," Hailey tells him with a squeeze of her arms around his middle.
He smiles softly even though she can't see his face and lifts his arms, wrapping them around her shoulders and holding her tight against him. She breathes out a quiet sigh as she relaxes in his strong embrace and squeezes him once more.
"I've missed you," Hailey admits with a whisper against him.
"Missed you too," Jay tells her, leaning his chin down over the top of her head as he whispers back, "Missed holding you like this."
She nods against him, burying her face in his chest and breathing him in. The familiar smell of his aftershave and body wash consume her senses and she sighs out another breath of contentment.
"How was your first session?" Jay asks quietly and carefully a moment later.
"It was – it was rough," she breathes out before she lets out a nervous laugh.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks over the top of her head.
She shakes her head against him. "Not yet. I just – I…"
"It's okay. When you're ready," he assures her.
She nods and he holds her for another moment before he loosens his arms to let her go, but she clings to him.
"Don't let me go," she says quietly, squeezing her arms around him again. "Not yet. Please?"
His smile widens and he tightens his arms around her again, squeezing once, then twice more.
"Not ever," he whispers against the side of her head.
Hailey can't help it when she breathes out another sigh of relief as they stand in the middle of her kitchen, arms wrapped around one another just like all the other times before now. She hadn't realized just how much she's really missed moments like this with him – hugging him and him holding her, and it causes a single tear to slip from one eye.
The oven beeps a few minutes later and they unravel themselves almost begrudgingly from one another so Jay can get their dinner. He grabs a potholder and pulls the dish from the oven, then sets it on the counter and looks back over to Hailey.
"I'm gonna grab Ave. Help yourself, okay?"
Hailey shakes her head at him, wiping under her eye quickly. "Let me get her. Living room I'm assuming?"
He smiles softly at her and nods, and she heads out of the kitchen. She finds her little girl sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table with a coloring book and crayons splayed out in front of her.
"Hey baby," Hailey calls over to her softly as she walks toward her.
Avery looks up and smiles at her mother, dropping the crayon in her hand to the table.
"Hi mama!" The little girl says, pulling herself to her feet.
Avery runs over to her and Hailey squats down, stretching her arms out in time for the little girl to throw herself into her mother's chest. Hailey wraps her arms around her daughter, squeezing tightly and holding her close against her.
"I missed you today," Hailey tells her, burying her nose into the little girl's hair and breathing her in as she squeezes her once more. "Did you have a good day?"
"Yeah," Avery says, snuggling deeper into her mother's arms. "Auntie took me to the space museum again! I love that place."
"She did? Did you have fun baby?" Hailey asks as she loosens her arms around the little girl and pulls back just slightly to look at her face.
Avery nods, a big smile on her face as she stares back at her mother. "Can you and daddy come next time?"
Hailey smiles sweetly at the little girl, lifting an arm from around her to bring a hand to her face. She runs the tip of a finger across Avery's cheek and nods back at her. "I think that would be so much fun."
The little girl grins back at her, nodding excitedly and Hailey brushes her cheek with a finger again.
"You ready for dinner? Daddy told me you helped him again and it smells so good in the kitchen. You hungry?"
"Yeah! I was his soup-chef again!" Avery nearly squeals. "And we used a lot of cheese mama. I ate some and it's very good!"
"Yeah, he told me," Hailey chuckles, nodding her head again. She stands to her feet, lifting Avery into her arms as she goes and holds her against a hip. "Come on! Let's go get some. I'm starving!"
Hailey carries the little girl into the kitchen, smiling gratefully over at Jay when she sees the plates on the counter already dished out with servings of food and waiting for them. She sets Avery onto a stool and takes a seat next to her while Jay sits down on the other side of the little girl.
The three of them eat together, making small talk throughout, and Jay makes Avery laugh loudly and excitedly just like he always does. The sound of her daughter's giggles filling the room brings the biggest grin to Hailey's face.
She knows it's only been one day of therapy and she has to remind herself of Rachel's words from earlier. That it's not a quick fix and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
It will be worth it.
Later that night after everyone has gone to bed, Hailey ends up creeping down the stairs to the kitchen. It's not very late, just a little after ten, but she wonders if maybe falling back into a routine of drinking some tea before bed might just help her sleep a little better.
She grabs the kettle and fills it with some water, then sets it on the stove and turns on a burner. She stares down at the counter as she waits for the water to come to a boil, and before she can get lost in her thoughts the sound of shuffled feet on the hardwood pulls her from her reverie.
"Are you okay?"
She turns her head to see Jay standing at the end of the island in a pair of sweats and no shirt, rubbing a hand over his sleepy looking face.
"Yeah," she says with a nod as she looks back at the kettle in front of her. "Just making some tea. Hoping it'll help me sleep."
She sees him nod at her out of the corner of her eye, and then he's taking a step toward her and she can't help swallowing nervously as he gets closer. He's barely two feet away from her as he opens a cabinet and pulls something down from a shelf. He takes another step toward her, sets a small rectangular box down on the counter next to the stove, and when she looks up at him he's smiling softly at her.
She glances at the box he's retrieved, then lifts her eyes back to his and returns the smile he gives her with a look of appreciation.
"Peppermint tea?"
"Grabbed it at the store today," he says quietly. He pushes the box toward her, then takes a step away from her as he quietly says, "Goodnight Hailey."
"Night Jay," she calls after him a moment later as he heads out of the kitchen.
He turns around at the sound of her voice and gives her another soft grin and a quick wink before he leaves her alone and disappears around the corner into the living room.
Hailey breathes out a quiet sigh and goes back to making her tea. She grabs one of the peppermint tea bags from the box Jay had given her and makes up a mug for herself.
While the tea steeps she goes into the office down the short hallway off of the kitchen and finds a book to dive into, then heads back to the stove. Once her tea is ready she disposes of the bag, grabs her book, and makes her way back up the stairs to her bedroom.
She sets her mug on the nightstand, climbs into bed, and opens the book in her lap and starts reading, reaching for her tea to sip at occasionally between paragraphs.
She barely finishes the first chapter before her mind starts to wander, trying to pull her into the dark alleys of her mind and making her lose her focus.
She sighs loudly, closing the book with a thud and running a hand through her hair as she stares out in front of her. She notices the gift Jay had given her earlier sitting on the bench seat at the end of her bed and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as she stares at it curiously for a moment. She can't help wondering at what point of the night he had snuck upstairs to leave it for her.
Hailey sighs again and kicks the covers off, sets her book down on the nightstand, then gets out of bed and goes to the bench seat. The weighted blanket has already been removed from its packaging, just waiting for her on the seat, and she smiles softly at the thought of Jay and another of his sweet gestures that she thinks she surely doesn't deserve.
'I really love that man…' she thinks for a moment as her smile widens and she reaches for the blanket.
It's heavy, heavier than she first realized even though the packaging she saw downstairs had said it was only twelve pounds. She lifts it with both hands and unfolds it over her bed, then sits back down on the mattress.
Another thought quickly enters her mind as her eyes drift to the side of her bed and before she can talk herself out of it, she leans over and reaches for the drawer of her nightstand. She pulls out a small journal and finds a pen, then leans back against the headboard.
She folds her legs up toward her chest, sets the journal down over a bent knee and opens it to the first page, scrawling across the blank paper.
Things that give me peace…
1. Avery's laugh
2. hugging Jay
3. reading the classics
4. peppermint tea
She writes for a while longer, jotting down her thoughts and feelings as she reaches for her tea on the nightstand.
She writes about her interactions with Avery and the way the little girl's laughter seemed to help in unraveling some of the tightness in her chest.
She writes about how it felt to be in Jay's arms again and the familiarity of safety that his embrace always seems to give her.
She continues sipping from her mug as she jots down a few more thoughts and once she's reached a point she's comfortable with stopping at, she puts the cap back on the pen and closes the journal. She sets the items on her nightstand, finishes off her tea, then switches off the light.
She lies down in bed, pulls the weighted blanket up over her chest and breathes deeply as she settles herself against the pillows.
The next week passes by in a blur.
Hailey stays tied to her desk at work like Voight had ordered her to do and while a part of her is frustrated she's missing out on the action, a larger part of her is glad to be on desk duty, though she's not sure she'd ever admit that to her Sergeant.
She does what she can from the bullpen to help her team; combs through pod footage and ransacks CI files, adds information and photos to the whiteboard as necessary, and helps with the boring administrative task of paperwork.
She has her second session with Dr. Block later this afternoon and it's a little jarring to her how she actually feels excited to go after just one session with the woman. She's pretty sure it has more to do with Rachel herself than the actual therapy – at least so far. There was just something about the woman's personality and soft voice that somehow managed to put Hailey at ease, making her comfortable enough to talk about the things that take up too much space in her head.
Hailey leaves the district a little after three to get across town in time for her appointment at four and enters the small office with ten minutes to spare. She takes a seat and waits her turn and after another five minutes the receptionist tells her to head on in.
She enters the room and is greeted by Rachel with the same soft smile and kindness as the week before.
Hailey closes the door as she steps further into the room and makes her way to the couch, taking a seat in the middle and tapping her fingers against the book in her lap that she's brought with her.
"Hi Hailey," Rachel says.
She offers a tight lipped smile and nods back before she says, "Hi Rachel."
"How are you today?"
Hailey shrugs. "Okay. I just came from work."
Rachel nods. "How's that going?"
"Good, I guess. Being tied to a desk doesn't suck as much as I thought it would, so that's something at least."
"Was that your decision?"
"What's that?" Hailey asks.
"Being tied to a desk."
Hailey scoffs with a shake of her head. "The Monday before I first saw you, I froze while me and my team were chasing down a suspect. My Sergeant pulled me into his office when we got back to our district and he benched me."
"What did he say to you?"
"He told me that I couldn't go back into the field until I got my head right and was medically cleared. And then he sent me home. That night was when I fought with Jay and I snapped at Avery."
Rachel nods again, makes a note in the notebook in her lap, then asks, "What made you freeze?"
She all, but freezes again right there as the memory begins to take over her mind. Hands on her, breath in her face, being pushed backwards up against that garage door and thinking she was back in the safe house with Booth
Her face goes blank and her jaw tenses and her heart starts beating rapidly, shoulders heaving with each quick breath she takes as her mind pulls her into a fit of panic.
"Hailey, stay with me," Rachel says quickly, but softly as she leans forward in her chair and maintains eye contact with the blonde. "You're safe. You're in my office. It's just us here. Breathe with me. Inhale for four seconds and hold it for two, exhale for six."
Rachel begins taking deep breaths, using the technique she's just mentioned, and Hailey follows along a few beats later.
"That's good," Rachel encourages with a nod of her head, then says again, "In for four, hold for two, out for six."
She repeats the same words a few more times as she breathes deeply along with Hailey and helps her through her panic attack.
"Thanks," Hailey breathes out several minutes later when her heart rate finally begins to slow and her shaking hands turn to a slight tremble.
Rachel nods, smiling softly again as she tilts her head at the blonde. "Does that happen often?"
"Not all the time," Hailey says quietly.
"If it happens again when you're not here with me try to remember that breathing technique we just used, okay? Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six."
"Okay," Hailey says with a short nod. "Does – does that always work?"
"It can, yes. Try it when you're alone. When you wake up in the morning or right before bed, just five or ten minutes of a deep breathing exercise can help. You can train yourself to do it instantly, almost instinctively, if you think you might have another episode or if you're in the middle of one. It's a wonderful tool to keep handy."
"It seemed to help just now," Hailey tells her. She sighs heavily then almost smirks at the woman. "Any other handy tools I should know about?"
"Let's stick with the breathing techniques for now, okay?" Rachel chuckles, shaking her head slowly, and then she nods over at the Hailey, pointing to her lap. "What did you bring with you today?"
"Uh, my journal actually," Hailey says, swallowing hard before she leans forward and passes the journal to Rachel.
The woman takes it, but doesn't open it.
"This is something that I'm sure is incredibly personal. Are you sure you want me to read it?"
"Maybe just the first page," Hailey says with a sheepish smile. "I did what you said last week. With the list of things."
Rachel nods and opens the book to the first page as requested, careful to hold the edges of the book tightly so it doesn't flip to another page. She reads over the words written on it, smiling to herself as she does, and closes the book once she finishes. She leans forward to hand the journal back to Hailey, still smiling as she settles back in her chair.
"Those are good, Hailey. Did any of them happen over the last week?"
Hailey nods, almost proudly as she gives a shy smile. "Jay has an innate ability to make Avery laugh over just about anything and that sound is – it's like music to my ears. I've also been drinking peppermint tea before bed. It's been helping me sleep, and I – I hugged Jay."
"And the other one?"
Hailey shakes her head, her smile fading as she says quietly, "I couldn't do that one."
"Why not?"
"I tried, but I couldn't focus on the words while I was reading. My mind just sorta started to wander."
"Three out of four is still pretty good, if you ask me."
"Really?"
"Really," Rachel smiles. "Let's talk about the three that did happen, okay?"
Hailey nods.
"What kind of feelings did you have? Did any of them make you feel better?"
Hailey nods again, toying with a loose string of fabric on the bottom hem of her t-shirt. "Avery's laugh made me feel not as guilty I guess. That despite what I did to her she's still the same sweet, happy, adorable kid she's always been."
Rachel jots a few things down in her notebook then asks, "And the peppermint tea?"
"It helped me sleep actually. At least I think it did anyway. Or it was a combination of the tea and my new weighted blanket."
"You got yourself a weighted blanket? It's been helping?" Rachel asks, seemingly impressed by the new information.
"Jay got it for me actually. Last week. He – he thought it might help me sleep. Guess he was right."
"What about that hug with Jay?" Rachel asks a moment later. "How did that make you feel?"
"I felt safe again," Hailey says quietly, looking down at her lap as she fidgets with her fingers and picks at her nails. "I felt safe like before and I – I didn't wanna let go of him."
"Who initiated it?"
"Me, but…"
"But?" Rachel presses.
Hailey glances up at her, sighing quietly. "He didn't hug me back right away. I had to – I had to tell him it was okay."
"It's not necessarily a bad thing that he needed some encouragement to touch you. You told me last week that he's been quite respectful of you and your body, of your personal space. Right?"
"Probably because he thinks I'm just gonna yell at him again," Hailey scoffs.
Rachel shakes her head. "Based on the few things you've already told me, I think he's just acutely aware of what you need right now."
Hailey gives a slow nod as she begins recalling Jay's behavior after the attack and before it. She falls into a trance like state and stares down at the floor as conversations replay in her mind and images of Jay fill her head.
"What are you thinking about?" Rachel asks a few moments later.
Hailey lifts her eyes from the floor to meet the woman's gaze, then says, "Jay."
Rachel nods and waits for Hailey to continue, the look on the blonde's face telling her she has more to say and she does.
"How do I – how do we go back? How do we make it like it was before?" Hailey asks.
Rachel breathes out a quiet sigh and shakes her head slowly. "You don't. You can't go back, Hailey. You can only go forward."
"Then how do I make it okay again? How do I be okay again?"
"You take things as they come. One day at a time."
The soft timer goes off a moment later and Rachel reaches over to turn it off, then looks back to Hailey.
"Two sessions down so far. How are you feeling about it?"
Hailey shrugs, fidgeting again with the loose strand on her t-shirt, and then a sheepish smile comes over her face. "Maybe it's not so bad."
Rachel smiles. "I'm glad to hear that. Same time next week then?"
"No homework for me this time?" Hailey asks with a smirk.
"Yes, actually. Work on that breathing technique we talked about earlier. Like I said, just five or ten minutes each morning or before bed. Try it and see how you feel after."
Hailey nods, grabs her journal, and then stands from the couch, shooting a tight lipped smile over to Rachel.
"I can do that," she says as she makes her way to the door. "Until next time, doc."
Rachel nods, smiling back at the blonde. "Take care, Hailey."
The evening turns into much of the same as it's been over the last couple weeks. Jay has dinner ready for her when she gets home after her session with Dr. Block and he, Hailey and Avery enjoy the night together. Vanessa makes an appearance in the kitchen as she's getting ready to leave, kisses Avery on the head and gives a blanket statement of goodbye before she walks out the door.
A few hours later when Hailey slips into bed, she follows through with the new routine she's created for herself. More hot peppermint tea and writing and curling up under a twelve pound blanket.
When Hailey traipses downstairs the next morning and sees Jay standing at the stove in sweatpants and a t-shirt, she's reminded it's their day off and suddenly feels a weight lift from her shoulders over not having to go into the district. There's no paperwork to file or surveillance to sift through, no bad guys to find and no co-workers to tiptoe around.
"Good morning," Jay calls over to her as she makes her way to the coffee pot.
"Morning," she returns with a soft, but still sleepy smile.
"Did ya sleep okay?"
"Yeah, between that magic blanket of yours and the peppermint tea, I – I feel good," she tells him honestly with a slow nod.
"I'm glad to hear that," he smiles. He tilts his head then, a curious look in his eyes as he stares over at her. "I uh – I wanted to ask you something."
"What's up?" She asks as she makes up a mug of coffee for herself.
"So it's our day off and I wanted to make good on the promise I made to Ave and bring her to the aquarium. They've got an awesome penguin exhibit that she would absolutely freak over and I was wondering if I could take her. Can I? Please?"
Hailey stares up at him, almost confused by the way he asks her permission, and then she stutters out, "Y-yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Of course you can."
"You're sure? It'll be a few hours at least and I was sorta hoping maybe you would come with us too. If you're up to it," he says with a hopeful smile.
Hailey tilts her head at him, swallowing nervously. "You want me to come with?"
He nods back at her, the smile still planted on his face.
"Okay," she says after a moment.
"Really?"
She nods, offering a small smile in return. "It sounds like fun. Maybe the two of you can clue me in on the hype over those silly flightless birds."
He rolls his eyes, but smiles still and gives another nod of his head. "You're gonna love 'em."
"Mhmmm," she hums just as Avery comes in around the corner.
The three of them eat breakfast, things almost feeling normal as they spend the next couple of hours of the morning together and then a little after eleven they tell Avery they're taking her somewhere special.
The look of excitement on the little girl's face at the announcement makes an equally happy grin spread over Hailey's face and by the time they finally arrive at the aquarium, Avery is absolutely bouncing.
They move through each exhibit, taking their time to see all the aquarium has to offer and stopping at the interactive stations throughout. Neither Hailey or Jay are surprised when Avery becomes thrilled at being able to touch an actual stingray and after the experience they grab some lunch at the aquarium's food pavilion.
"I'm gonna use the bathroom real quick before we go to…" Hailey trails off after they finish lunch, glancing down at Avery then back up to Jay. "Before you know what. I'll just be a few minutes."
"Sounds good," he nods.
"Do you have to use the bathroom before we start walking again baby?" Hailey asks Avery, looking back down at the little girl.
She shakes her head. "I'm good mama."
"Okay. I'll be right back. Stay close to daddy," Hailey says before she heads down the pathway to the bathrooms in the pavilion.
Barely a minute passes before Avery notices a smaller interactive station they hadn't yet seen and tugs on Jay's hand, glancing up at him with a sweet smile and those bright blue eyes. She gives him that familiar pout he can't seem to say no to and he lets her lead him over to the station.
He stands back, staring at the little girl as she watches the screen and swipes her fingers against it when appropriate and quickly makes friends with a little boy who wanders over to her.
"Is that your daughter?"
Jay pulls his eyes from Avery and turns his head to see an older woman beside him, slightly greying hair and kind eyes with a pleasant smile to match.
Jay smiles at her just the same, glances quickly at Avery then back to the woman next to him. "Yeah, yeah it is."
"She's adorable and so sweet. That's my grandson she's with," the woman says, nodding to the kids several feet in front of them.
Jay glances back to the children, his smile widening when he sees Avery showing the same little boy who wandered over to her how to use the interactive touch screen. He's smaller than she is and probably younger by at least a year, but Avery is patient and kind with him and smiles happily at him. When the little boy swipes something on the screen both of their faces light up and he hears Avery's excited voice telling the little boy, "You did it! Good job!"
Jay can't help staring at the little girl with a proud smile on his face at the way she really is so sweet to just about everyone.
Another few minutes pass,, and then the little boy and his grandmother say a quick thank you and goodbye to Jay and Avery, and the little girl goes back to playing on her own.
Hailey returns another minute later and smirks up at Jay and the look of absolute awe on his face.
"You are such a sucker for that kid. She pulled you into another one, huh?" She asks, nodding to the interactive station in front of them.
Jay rolls his eyes then turns to look back at her. "So what?"
"She's got you wrapped around her finger, Halstead. You think it's cute now, but just wait 'til she's a teenager," Hailey tells him.
"Absolutely not," he says, shaking his head. "She's gonna be sweet and little forever. I won't accept anything else."
"Yeah, good luck with that dude," Hailey laughs before she steps in front of him and calls out for the little girl, Jay shaking his head after her.
Avery runs back over to them and stands between them, holding onto each of their hands, and they continue on through the aquarium to the last exhibit.
The three of them walk along for a bit, then round a corner and Jay glances down at Avery just as her mouth drops open and her eyes bug out.
"Penguins!" She squeals excitedly. She tugs on Jay's hand, looking up at him with big eyes and a matching grin. "Daddy! It's the penguins like we saw in the movies!"
"I know!" He says just as excitedly as he lets go of her hand and squats down in front of her to be eye level with the little girl. "Come on! You'll have the best seat in the whole place."
Jay stands to his feet to move behind Avery and Hailey lets go of her hand as he lifts the little girl in the air and sets her down on his shoulders. He raises his hands to her legs, holding onto her tightly as her arms fall around his head and she squeals excitedly again as he starts walking toward the encasement of glass housing the penguins.
Hailey follows after them, smiling at the pair, but she stays behind a few steps to just watch them together. She pulls her phone from her back pocket and opens the camera, then raises the device to snap some pictures of her two favorite people completely lost in their own little world together.
They spend more time in the penguin exhibit than they do in all the other parts of the aquarium combined and after a while up on her daddy's shoulders, Avery asks to be put down so she can watch them swim in the water.
Hailey and Jay keep close to Avery, standing side by side together a few feet behind her, watching as she continues to be awestruck by the flightless birds.
Hailey turns her head and finds Jay staring at the little girl with a smile on his face that's so sweet and loving that it has her heart aching in the best of ways, ways that she hasn't felt for a while, and then she's suddenly remembering their conversation this morning, when he'd asked her if he could bring Avery to the aquarium.
"Jay?" She calls to him quietly, making him turn his head to look at her.
"Yeah?"
Hailey keeps her eyes on his as she offers a small, but shy smile, and turns her body so she's standing right in front of him. She opens her mouth once, then closes it quickly and he just stares back at her for a few silent moments, waiting for her to find the words for whatever thoughts might be running through her head.
She reaches between them after another moment, her left hand finding his right one at his side, and she weaves their fingers together, squeezing tightly.
"I should have said this earlier, maybe even before today," Hailey says with a deep sigh. She glances at Avery a few feet from them in front of the glass, still completely mesmerized by the penguins that glide through the water. She smiles at the sight of the little girl, then looks back to Jay and gives another squeeze of their joined hands. "This morning when you…you don't need to ask to do things with her…like wanting to bring her here today. You're her father and you – you don't need my permission. I trust you, Jay. Avery trusts you."
She stares up at him, becoming annoyed with herself for the tears that begin to blur her vision, but she smiles nonetheless and squeezes his hand again in hers.
"You're her father," she tells him once more, nodding her head as if to further get her point across.
A sweet smile stretches out over his face slowly, his eyes soft and beginning to glisten as he stares back at her, and then he nods his head too.
"Mama! Daddy!"
They turn their heads simultaneously to look at Avery and she greets them with a happy grin of excitement as she waves them over to her.
Hailey takes a step toward their daughter, tugging on Jay's hand as she goes, and he follows after her with a grin on his face and squeezes her fingers between his. She doesn't let go of his hand until they leave the aquarium and get back into his truck another hour later to head home.
That night as Hailey lies in bed, another steaming mug of tea on her nightstand, she flips open her journal to the first page with the list she had started the week before and scrawls a few more lines down onto the page.
5. family time
6. Avery's smile
7. Avery calling Jay daddy
8. holding hands with Jay
She follows through with her routine, one that is quickly becoming her new normal, writing down her thoughts and feelings and the events of the days of her week, leaving nothing out.
Once she's reached her stopping point she finishes her tea and sets everything on the nightstand before settling back down against the pillows.
She's just about to reach for the covers when Rachel's words from the day before sound off in her head about the breathing technique they used.
Just five or ten minutes each morning or before bed. Try it and see how you feel after.
Hailey pulls herself up into a sitting position and reaches for her phone. She swipes on the screen and pulls up the timer, sets it for five minutes and puts the phone face down beside her.
Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six…
Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six…
Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six…
She closes her eyes as she repeats the phrase over and over in her head, breathing deeply for the right number of counts until the timer goes off.
She opens her eyes and takes another deep breath, then returns her phone to the nightstand and switches off the light.
She drags the weighted blanket up over her as she lies down and drops her head onto the pillows. She thinks of the trip to the aquarium and replays the events of the day in her mind. The image of Avery smiling and the sound of her squealing excitedly, the familiarity of teasing and the back and forth banter she had with Jay, the way it felt to have his hand in hers again.
She takes one more deep breath as the weight of the blanket covers her and carries her to sleep.
It's the first night in nearly a month since the attack and without Jay beside her in bed that she manages to sleep peacefully by herself.