Happy MIWF Tuesday! I continue to be blown away by all the love you show me over this fic and can never say thank you enough. I really love this chapter and I hope all of you do too! Enjoy and I will see you next week for chapter 23!
TW / mentions of attempted sexual assault
It's been one month for Hailey.
One month of therapy, of desk duty, of sleeping by herself and trying to keep the nightmares at bay, and somehow, despite her fears and hesitation she's managed to keep pushing through all of it.
To be okay again. To gain back control. To be better.
The first month Hailey has spent in therapy has been almost easy, maybe too easy, even though she knew it shouldn't be.
The next Friday afternoon comes quickly and when she walks into that little room and sits down on that couch for her fifth session with Dr. Block, the look she's met with on her therapist's face tells her today is going to be anything, but easy.
They share their usual greeting of pleasantries, and then the woman stares at her through her glasses with a penetrating gaze that has Hailey's heart rate increasing by the second.
Rachel crosses one leg over the other, readies her pen above her notebook, and tilts her head at Hailey. Then with a soft, but stern voice, she says, "Let's talk some more about Ron Booth today."
Hailey nearly flinches at the sound of the man's name. Her heart pounds relentlessly against her chest and her hands begin to shake as she stares back at the woman in front of her with a trembling bottom lip and teary eyes.
Hailey drops her gaze to the floor, shaking her head quickly from side to side as her words come out in a stuttered breath. "I don't – I…"
"Hailey," Rachel says with a gentle voice. "We need to talk about him."
"I – I can't…" she stutters out with another shake of her head.
"Yes, you can," Rachel tells her. "He is dead, and he cannot hurt you anymore. You told me briefly in our last session that you shot him. Do you remember?"
She nods, lip still trembling and hands still shaking. "Yeah, I shot him. I had to. He – he would have…he was going to…"
"I know," Rachel says, her voice calm and kind and reassuring. "And it's okay. Remember what you've learned, Hailey. Use it."
Hailey shakes her head, not in disagreement, but as if the physical act itself will aid in ridding herself of the panic that tries to consume her.
She closes her eyes as her shallow breaths become slower, quieter, and then she inhales another deep breath.
Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six…
Inhale for four, hold for two, out for six…
She remembers Rachel's words from weeks before and focuses on her breathing instead of the fear-stricken voice in the back of her head. The voice that tries to claw its way through her mind and pull her back down into the dark crevices she has managed to pull herself out of over the last month.
She finishes the count in her head and as she breathes out her last exhale, she opens her eyes and lifts them to meet Rachel's gaze once again.
"That was really good, Hailey," the woman nods, a proud smile adorning her face. "You recognized what was happening and you took control of it. You faced it head on and you conquered it."
Hailey nods slowly, her chest still heaving, but the fast beat of her heart slows as she takes one more deep breath.
"I hate it."
"What do you hate?" Rachel asks.
"How much control he still has over me even though he's dead," Hailey says.
Rachel shakes her head. "He only has that control if you let him. Look at what you just achieved. Look at everything you've faced over the last four weeks and how you've come out on the other side of it. How you're better because of it."
"But I panicked again," Hailey says. "I panicked at just the thought of him and I – I…it's like I'm right back where I started."
"No, you're not. The responses you have are normal and they are expected in dealing with the aftermath of trauma like you've experienced. Remember what I told you in the beginning? It's going to take time. One day at a time."
"Yeah," Hailey nods.
"Do you remember what we talked about last week with your window of tolerance? What I told you?"
Hailey nods again. "I control my window and the space around me. What does or doesn't happen in it. I decide who I let in."
"That's right," Rachel affirms. "It is your space. You own it. You control it."
"My space. I own it. I control it," Hailey repeats to herself quietly.
Rachel gives the blonde a few quiet moments to herself, allowing her to bring herself back to a comfortable place of safety as she stares at the floor now and takes a few more deep breaths.
After another moment, Rachel asks softly, "Are you ready to try again?"
Hailey lifts her head and meets Rachel's eyes. She swallows hard, but gives a slow nod of her head as she whispers, "Okay."
"When did you first meet Booth? What was he like?"
Hailey drops her eyes to her lap and stares at her hands as she keeps quiet and breathes slowly until she finds her voice again another moment later, but she still doesn't look up.
"I guess it was a week, maybe a week and a half after Garrett and I first went undercover. He – Booth seemed normal," Hailey says with an annoyed chuckle. "You'd never know by looking at him that he was a big-time drug dealer. Tall, well-dressed, always a smile on his face, and a smooth talker. I never thought he – I didn't think he could…"
"You didn't think he could what?"
"Hurt me the way he did," she breathes out as she looks up at the woman again. "I should have listened to Garrett. He told me that Booth was getting too close, too touchy, too possessive, but I just brushed it off. Told him I could handle it, that I could use it to my advantage so we could take him down. But maybe if I had listened Garrett would still be alive."
"What happened to Garrett is not your fault, Hailey. You are not responsible for his death," Rachel tells her with a soft, but equally stern tone.
"Aren't I though? If I hadn't fought back. If I just – if I had just laid there and taken it, he would be here. He – he…" Hailey shakes her head as the tears come quickly and she wipes away at them frustratingly.
"I understand you feel guilty because you're still here and he isn't, and that guilt you feel will never fully go away. It just becomes less painful as time goes by," Rachel says, nodding her head slowly. "But his death is not your fault, Hailey. And the thing you have to remember, what you need to focus on when the guilt does revisit you is that Garrett's last act as your partner, and as the man you once loved, was protecting you. He saved you that night Hailey. And based on what you've told me all those years ago and in the last few weeks, I'm sure if he was still here, he would tell you he'd do it again."
"Yeah," Hailey whimpers, nodding slowly as more tears come. "He was a good guy. He – he was one of the best people I've ever known. The last time I saw him was in the hospital after the attack. We fought and I – the last thing I said to him was for him to leave. He told me he loved me and I couldn't even say it back to him. I should have – I wish I had at least said it back to him."
"I'm sure he knew," Rachel says with a kind smile.
"I don't – I don't wanna forget what happened," Hailey tells her with a shake of her head. "And I don't wanna forget Garrett. I just wanna be able to live with it, with myself."
"You won't forget him or the things you've experienced, and you will be able to live with it, but you need to forgive yourself first," Rachel tells her.
Hailey sighs heavily then lifts a hand to run her fingers through her hair. "How? How do I do that?"
"You keep doing what you're doing. You keep showing up here every week and you continue to put in the time and the effort. Therapy won't erase your guilt, Hailey. That's not what it's for, but it will help you to reclaim your life. It'll help you be able to live with the trauma you've experienced, but not let it control you."
Hailey nods, then tilts her head at the woman sitting across from her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure you can," Rachel says.
"I'm not sorry Booth is dead," Hailey breathes out, shaking her head. "But is it – is it wrong of me to feel relieved that I was the one who…the one who killed him?
"No, it's not wrong," the woman assures her. "He took a lot from you and put you in a terrible situation. You defended yourself and you defended your partner."
Hailey nods quickly, wiping at her eyes as more tears spill over and she sniffles back another onslaught of them.
"I was okay for a while after the second time, just a little jumpy, but then I uh, I started reliving it," she says a moment later. "I started having nightmares about Booth and him actually doing it, ya know? Raping me. I started kicking Jay in my sleep and yelling out things, thrashing around in bed."
"How did you cope with that when it started?"
"I – I didn't," Hailey says. "I told myself it was normal, that I was fine. That I would keep being fine. And having Jay there helped. He – he would hold me. He would hold me so tight and tell me I was safe, that he was there with me, and I would feel better for a while. But then – then the nightmares started happening more and more frequently. It was like I couldn't shut my brain off."
Rachel nods slowly, a soft look of understanding on her face, and then she glances down to the notebook in her lap and scrawls across the page with her pen. She looks back up at Hailey a moment later and asks, "How about now? Do you still have nightmares?"
"Yeah, here and there, but not like I used to. I told you about the routine I have, right?"
Rachel nods, a small smile coming over her face. "The journaling and breathing exercises and tea, I remember. And are you still using the weighted blanket?"
"Yeah," Hailey says, a tiny smile ghosting across her lips. "It's still helping. I don't know if it's because of the blanket itself or because Jay gave it to me, but it's helping."
"How have things been with Jay? How's this last week been?"
"It's been good. We talk a little more now and I haven't snapped at him again. We've been teasing each other and he makes me laugh like before. I hug him every night before bed just to – to feel close to him. It almost feels normal."
"But?" Rachel presses, noticing a slight look of hesitation on the blonde's face.
"Sometimes I feel guilty," Hailey admits quietly.
"Because of Jay?"
"Yeah," Hailey nods, dropping her eyes to her lap as she nearly whispers, "Because I almost got him killed. I – I almost took another father from Avery. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him."
"Do you think the guilt you feel with Jay comes from the way he is with you? Do you feel dependent on him?"
"Sometimes, yeah. He – he saved my life. In more ways than one. I don't like thinking about how things might be if he wasn't around, but he – he…" she trails off, swallowing hard and then she takes a deep breath. "Maybe I do depend on him too much, but he also makes me better. Makes me want to be better. He believes in me."
"Have you told him you feel this way?"
Hailey shakes her head.
"Why not?" Rachel asks.
"Because I'm scared."
"What are you scared of Hailey?"
"That he'll realize he made a mistake, that he can do better, and he'll leave. And I – I know it's silly, he's – he wouldn't stick around just because he feels like he has to, but sometimes I can't help thinking about my parents, ya know? The way my mom stayed with my dad because of me and my brothers, then stayed with him even after all of us left home. Maybe Jay feels like he owes me. I don't know. I probably sound crazy."
"You don't sound crazy. Our parents and our childhoods and the things we see growing up can have a strong hold on us as we become adults. I think what you're feeling about Jay is very normal. You work together, quite closely, and there is a child involved now. Would I be correct in saying you're scared that it won't work out, but equally terrified that it will?"
Hailey stares across at the woman with wide eyes and a look of disbelief on her face as she breathes out a heavy sigh.
"How do you always do that?"
"Do what?" Rachel nearly smirks.
"Know exactly what I'm feeling and how to put it into words better than I can."
The woman shrugs, her slight smirk turning soft as she looks at the blonde. "It's a combination of things I suppose. Intuition and years on the job and somewhat similar experiences."
"So how do I not be afraid then? How can I – how can I make it work between us?"
"The two of you are partners at work, right? Equals?"
"Yeah, we are," Hailey nods.
"What about at home?"
"I – I don't…I don't know," Hailey says with a shrug.
Rachel nods slowly, tilting her head as she stares back at the blonde. "You and Jay need to be equal partners at home just as much as you are while at work. You can need him and depend on him for things, but you also need to be able to depend on yourself. There's gotta be balance if a romantic relationship is going to work, Hailey. You need to be able to communicate in healthy ways, talk about the bad things just as much as the good."
"So how do I – how do I let him all the way in?"
"Haven't you already?" Rachel counters.
Hailey shrugs. "I guess I have in some ways."
"You take things as they come, one day at a time," she reminds her. "There's no set date when a magic switch will be flipped and suddenly all your fears and anxiety and troubles go away. Life doesn't work that way and nothing is perfect. It's what we make it."
Hailey nods slowly, dropping her eyes to the floor as she mulls over what Rachel has told her. She knows she is right and that there's no quick fix for any of what she's gone through or what she's feeling, that she can't skirt around it or wait for it all to magically disappear. It's not going to.
But then she thinks of Jay. How sweet and understanding and supportive he's been. The way he's never actually made her feel like less of herself or made her feel guilty – how she had planted that seed in her mind because of her own insecurities and her past and the crappy examples of love and relationships she grew up with from her parents.
There's a moment right then as she sits on the couch, thinking over everything that has happened and every word uttered during her sessions, a moment where she decides she doesn't want to be afraid anymore. That she doesn't want to let her past dictate her future, a future she desperately wants with her partner.
Hailey lifts her head and sets her eyes back on Rachel, ignoring the way her heart starts to beat just a little quicker, and then quietly says, "I have something else I wanna ask."
"You can always ask me anything," Rachel tells her.
"Do you really think I'm doing better? Honestly?"
"Yes, I do," Rachel says without missing a beat, but she tilts her head at the blonde, raising an eyebrow at her. "But that's not what you really wanted to ask me though, is it?"
Hailey smiles sheepishly as she shakes her head. "Um, do you – do you think it would be okay if I, if I…ugh…"
"Hailey, it's just us here. No judgement, remember? Ask me anything," Rachel says with a soft voice and kind eyes.
"Do you think it's too soon for me to – to share a bed with Jay again? Or should he stay on the couch for a while longer?"
Rachel tilts her head from side to side, mulling over the question before she looks back to Hailey. "I think the answer to that depends on the why."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you want to sleep in the same bed with him because you like being close to him or are you trying to use him as a shortcut in your recovery?"
"I just miss him. I miss waking up next to him," Hailey tells her before taking a deep breath. "I really have been sleeping pretty well. The routine is helping. The nightmares don't happen as often and when they do, they're not like they used to be. They seem duller now, not as intense. I don't – I know Booth didn't rape me and I don't dream about that happening anymore, not like I did in the beginning."
"What do the nightmares consist of now?"
"Lately the few I've had are of me going downstairs in the safe house. I walk into the living room and Booth is there. It all plays out just like it happened, but when he has me pinned against the wall and wraps his hands around my throat, I pass out. And that's when I wake up, fisting the sheets and struggling to breathe."
Rachel nods slowly, then asks, "Do you think sleeping with Jay will help with the nightmares?"
Hailey shakes her head. "I had them even when we were sharing a bed before, before I started seeing you. I just figured if they're going to happen, they're going to happen, ya know? I can't – I can't stop them from happening. All I can do is deal with them as they come. That's what you said, right? Take things as they come. I love Jay. I don't wanna be afraid anymore."
Rachel smiles softly, the look on the blonde's face telling her she's being truthful. She gives another nod of her head, then says, "If you feel ready to share that space with Jay again, then you should take that step. My only suggestion would be if you find yourself deviating from the routine you've created and reverting to previous behaviors, you sleep separately. Okay?"
"Really?" Hailey asks, almost surprised by the woman's response.
Rachel tilts her head, scrunching her eyes as the realization hits her. "You know you don't need my permission to do anything right? All I can give you is my professional opinion."
"Yeah, but…" she trails off, shrugging her shoulders.
"But what?"
"I trust your opinion," Hailey nearly mumbles, a sheepish smile stretching out over her face. "You haven't steered me wrong yet, doc."
Rachel smiles again, nodding once more. "That statement alone tells me you're doing better than when you first came into this office a month ago."
The familiar sound of an alarm goes off, signaling the end of another session and as Rachel reaches to turn it off, Hailey breathes out a heavy sigh. She notices another slight smirk on the woman's face and has to hold back an eye roll.
"I know that look," Hailey sighs again as she nods at the woman. "What's my homework, doc?"
Rachel chuckles, nodding back at her slowly. "Spend some time with Jay, just the two of you. Talk to him and if you're comfortable, share with him the things you told me today. Even if it's just a little bit."
"My homework is to go out on a date? Really?" Hailey smirks.
"If you wanna call it that, sure. I think of it more like quality time."
Hailey nods, a grin still on her face. "I can do that."
"Good," Rachel smiles. "Continue with that routine of yours too and I'll see you next week."
It's the first time after a session that Hailey doesn't sit in her car in the driveway to cry alone.
She feels good, lighter almost, as she walks through the front door and kicks off her shoes. She makes her way into the kitchen only to find it empty, so she heads toward the living room.
She stands at the entryway, a smile instantly taking over her face when she spots Jay and Avery on the couch together. The little girl is lying on top of him, her space teddy clutched under an arm as she fights off sleep. Jay has one arm over her back and the other hand moving through the little girl's hair, probably not helping her in her futile attempt to not conk out on her father's chest.
She doesn't think there will ever come a time when her chest doesn't ache with happiness at the sight of them together. How she will never get over just how in love with her partner she has fallen or how he has fallen just as hard for her and Avery.
She steps into the room after another moment and creeps behind the back of the couch. She catches Jay's attention and he smiles at her when his eyes lock with hers.
"Hey," he says quietly.
"Hi," she whispers, still smiling at him and then she nods down to Avery. "She okay?"
"Yeah. Vanessa took her to some water park today, wore her out."
"Poor kid," Hailey mumbles. "Did she eat anything yet?"
Jay nods. "Ordered a pizza and she ate a slice. I put the rest in the fridge for you."
"Thank you," Hailey smiles before she walks around the couch. She kneels beside it and reaches out a hand to the little girl's face to brush her thumb over her cheek.
Avery opens her eyes, a sleepy little smile coming out when she sees her mother.
"Hi mama," she mumbles.
"Hey baby," Hailey grins back at her. "Did you have fun with auntie today?"
"Yeah, we went swimming and went down lots of water slides," Avery tells her before letting out a yawn.
"That sounds like a great time," she tells the little girl as she runs her thumb across her cheek again. "I know you're tired baby, but can you stay up for a little while longer? It's too early for you to go to bed otherwise you'll be up super early tomorrow and you'll be even more tired."
"Okay mama," Avery says with a little nod against Jay's chest. "Can we watch a movie together?"
"Sure we can. You and daddy pick one out. I'm gonna go grab something to eat real quick and we can watch after," Hailey says as she stands to her feet. "I'll be right back."
Avery nods again and Hailey makes her way back into the kitchen. She pulls a plate down from a cabinet and heads for the fridge, grabs a slice of pizza and sets it on the plate, and then pops the plate into the microwave.
Jay enters the kitchen about ten minutes later just as Hailey finishes her slice of pizza and sets her plate in the dishwasher.
He walks over and stands next to her near the island, smiling at her when she turns her head and looks up at him.
"Hi," Hailey says with a soft smile that matches his. "Avery conk out again?"
"Nope. Very much awake now and excited for a movie night with us. She's coloring right now. Told her to give us a few minutes so we could talk," he tells her.
Her smile widens and she nods her head as she takes a step toward him. She closes the space between them and snakes her arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest.
It's something new, but not really. They've hugged one another plenty of times before now, but it's become their new thing. A way for her to be close to him over the last few weeks as she betters herself.
Jay doesn't hesitate now to lift his arms around her and hold her close against him, giving her a tight squeeze as he leans his chin down over the top of her head.
"How was your session today?" He asks her.
"It was a little rough, but it was good too. Really good," Hailey tells him, squeezing her arms around his middle.
"Yeah?"
"Mhmmm," she hums out before she lifts her head to look up at him, but doesn't step out of their embrace. "How was the rest of your day?"
"Not too bad. Finally finished all the paperwork on that double homicide," he tells her.
"Yeah?"
He nods, staring down at her with those soft green eyes that she has come to love so much.
"Did Ruzek finish his too or am I gonna have a stack and a half of files to sift through tomorrow?"
He chuckles, shaking his head. "I may have helped him a little bit."
"Did you now?" She asks, with a raise of her eyebrows.
"Maybe," he drawls out as a tiny smirk peeks out from a corner of his mouth.
"Thank you," Hailey tells him, squeezing her arms around him once more.
He nods, tossing her a wink before he pulls her back in against him. She lets out a content sigh as his arms cage her against him in a tight embrace and she burrows her face deeper into his chest.
They stand like that for several more minutes in the middle of her kitchen, arms wrapped around one another, holding each other close and tight. And then Hailey remembers the end of her session and the assignment she'd been given, so she lifts her head again to look up at him.
"There's uh, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," she says, staring up at him with an almost hopeful look in her eyes.
He tilts his head slightly, raising an eyebrow at her with that familiar smirk plastered on his face.
She can't help letting out a tiny giggle at the expression he gives her and shakes her head at him. "It's a good talk, I promise."
"What's up?" He asks, dropping his arms from around her and nodding to the stools on the other side of the island.
As they take a seat side by side and turn to face one another, Jay is quick to notice the hesitant look on her face, but soon relaxes as she reaches for his hand.
"Okay, um, I was wondering if maybe you would wanna go to dinner with me," she says before she loses her nerve.
He certainly wasn't expecting those words to slip from her mouth and the look on his face tells her as much as he tilts his head at her again.
"You're asking me out, Upton?"
"Technically you asked me out first," she says with a smirk as she squeezes his fingers between hers. "I'm just following up on the promise you made to me. Something about Bartoli's if I remember correctly."
He smiles at her, boyishly charming and almost nervously and she wonders if maybe it's too soon.
"We don't have to if you don't want to," she says quickly, shaking her head and trying to backpedal. "We can stay in and make something. I just – I thought we could hang out together. Just the two of us."
He nods slowly as he gives a tight squeeze and grins over at her, then says, "I would love to go out with you, Hailey."
She quirks an eyebrow at him, a look of surprise coming over her face. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he says with another squeeze of her hand. "That date of ours is long overdue. And besides, mama and daddy need to get out and have some fun too, don't we?"
She smiles up at him almost shyly, giving a nod of her head as she stares at him. "Yeah, we do."
"You're sure though? You don't – I don't want you to feel like you have to do this. We can go out anytime. Whenever you're ready."
"I'm sure," she tells him. "My uh, my therapist thinks it'll be good for me, for us. She sorta gave me a homework assignment at the end of my session today."
"What kind of homework assignment?"
Hailey laughs nervously, tilting her head at him. "Uh, you actually."
"Me?"
"You."
"I don't understand," Jay says with a slight shake of his head.
"She basically said that I need to treat you as my equal, as my partner, and not just at work. That I can depend on you, but I need to depend on myself too," she tells him, sighing heavily. "And she's right. You always take care of me, Jay. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but if this is gonna work how we want it to, we need to talk with one another. We need to be partners, at work and at home."
He gives a slow nod of his head and then a smirk spreads across his face. "So, no more spoiling you then?"
"Oh no, you can spoil me," she says, grinning back at him. "Just sparingly."
"I guess I can do that," he grins. "So, partners huh? At work and at home?"
"Yes," Hailey breathes out.
"What exactly does that mean?"
"I have no idea," she laughs. "We're good together at work, but as for everything else, I don't know. I – I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. I don't think I've ever even been in a real relationship to be totally honest. I also haven't had to share the responsibility of raising a kid with anyone except Vanessa. And while she is wonderful and the best auntie I could ever hope for Avery to have, she's still not exactly mommy or daddy, ya know?"
"Yeah, I get it. Being a parent is a whole different ball game. And my track record with relationships isn't the greatest either," he says, glancing down at their joined hands as he plays with her fingers. He gives another tight squeeze and looks back up at her with a soft smile as he says, "For the record though, I think we're doing pretty good with all of it so far."
"You think so?" Hailey asks.
"Yeah, I do," he says with a nod. "We're not gonna be perfect at this and I'm sure we're both gonna make mistakes as we go, but I…"
"You what?"
"I love you and Avery. I love being here with the both of you and I want this to work. I'm not going anywhere. I've told you that and I'll keep telling you that for as long as it takes you to believe me. You're kinda stuck with me, Upton," he tells her, smiling sweetly as he looks at her.
"You make that sound like a bad thing," she says teasingly. "It sounds pretty damn good to me."
He chuckles, nodding his head, then says, "We're gonna be okay."
"Yeah, we will," she says with a smile as she lets go of his hand and slides down from the stool. She moves toward him and stands between his legs, leaning up on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck. She drops her head against his shoulder, holding tightly to him as she whispers below his ear, "And I love you too."
Jay wraps his arms around her waist, holding her up against him as he buries his face into her neck.
"I love you so much," Hailey whispers to him, breathing out a heavy sigh of contentment against his skin.
"Ya know, you should really start chipping in for rent at this point, Halstead. You're here more than I am these days."
Hailey and Jay pull back from one another enough to turn their heads and find Vanessa standing just off the entrance to the kitchen with a smirk plastered on her face.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," she says after another moment before letting out a nervous laugh and hooking a thumb over her shoulder. "I was just about to head out."
"It's okay," Hailey says with a soft smile for the young woman.
Hailey turns her head quickly to look back at Jay, a silent question in her eyes that he seems to understand instantly as he drops his arms from around her and stands to his feet. He tosses his partner a wink before he makes his way to the living room to leave the two women alone.
It's awkward and quiet as the women stand in the kitchen together – Vanessa keeping put in the entryway by the front door and Hailey standing across from her behind the island.
They make eye contact briefly before Vanessa smiles somewhat sheepishly and hooks her thumb over her shoulder once more.
"I should get going. I'll see ya later," the young woman says before turning on her heels to leave.
"Vanessa?" Hailey calls out, stepping around the island.
"Yeah?" She breathes out, turning back to face the blonde and steeling herself for what might be another argument.
"Um, I uh…do you think you could stay for just a bit? So we can talk. Please?"
"Talk about what?"
Hailey sighs, dropping her eyes to the floor for a moment before she meets her friends gaze again and says, "I owe you an apology."
She takes a step closer to Vanessa, standing at the end of the island now and leans back against the counter as she looks at her friend.
Vanessa stares back at her, waiting for Hailey to lead the conversation and watching as the blonde takes several deep breaths before she opens her mouth to speak again.
"That night in my bedroom…you were right. I wasn't fine and I did need help, but I didn't wanna admit it. I wasn't ready to admit it," Hailey tells her, sighing heavily as she brings a hand to her hair and runs her fingers through it nervously. She takes another deep breath and then says, "I thought if I ignored everything for long enough it would all just go away, but I was wrong. I know you were just trying to help me and I'm so sorry for how I treated you. I love you, V. You're one of my best friends and I don't wanna lose you."
Vanessa stares at her for a moment, silent and unblinking, and then a smile creeps out over her face as she takes a step toward the blonde.
"I'm sorry too. I was too tough on you when I should have been more understanding and more patient after everything you've been through," Vanessa says, taking the last few steps toward Hailey and standing in front of her next to the counter. She swallows hard, holding back the tears that begin to fill her eyes. "I love you too, Hails, and I don't wanna lose you either. You and Avery – you…you guys are like my family, ya know?"
"You are a part of this family and you always will be. That'll never change," Hailey says as she lifts a hand to her eyes to wipe at her own tears that have already started to fall.
Vanessa nods and they stare at each other with teary eyes for another moment until they're laughing together. They both step forward, closing the space between them and colliding together in an embrace, wrapping their arms around each other tightly.
"I'm sorry," Hailey says again over the younger woman's shoulder.
"I know. Me too," Vanessa tells her, squeezing her arms around the blonde. "And I'm sorry for giving you the silent treatment. I – I thought it was best. I didn't know how to talk to you after our fight and I – "
"It's okay," Hailey tells her, pulling back to look her in the eyes. "I wasn't exactly in the best head space for any real conversation anyway."
Vanessa nods. "And now?"
Hailey smiles, a wide grin as she says, "I'm good. I'm – I'm doing better."
"Yeah? Is Dr. Block helping?"
"Yeah, she is," the blonde nods. "It wasn't easy at first, but now I almost look forward to my sessions with her. She really is helping me."
Vanessa's eyes fill with fresh tears as she smiles proudly at her friend, lifting her hands to Hailey's shoulders and squeezing them gently. "I'm so happy to hear that."
"Thank you," Hailey says a moment later. "For – for still being here and for helping with Avery and for the tough love. I really needed the tough love."
"I'll always be here to give you a swift kick in the ass," Vanessa smirks.
"Ugh," Hailey groans, wiping at her eyes again. "Okay, I didn't miss that."
Vanessa laughs, shaking her head as the two of them drop their arms from one another, but don't move from their spot in front of the counter.
"So," Vanessa drawls out, that familiar tone of teasing laced behind the one word.
"Oh, here we go," Hailey says with an eye roll. "What?"
"What did I walk in on just a few minutes ago?"
Hailey rolls her eyes again. "You already know we're together."
"Oh, I know. Had to practically drag it out of lover boy in there a few weeks ago," Vanessa says with a tilt of her head toward the living room. "How's it going though?"
"It's – it's going."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It means we love each other and we're together and we're taking things one day at a time," Hailey tells her.
"Huh."
"Huh? What's huh? What does that mean?"
"I guess therapy really is going well if you're proudly admitting you love Jay Halstead these days," Vanessa smirks.
Hailey chuckles, shaking her head. "Yeah, definitely didn't miss this."
"You look happy again," Vanessa says a second later with a soft smile on her face now.
Hailey gives a slow nod of her head, returning the smile as she stares back at her friend. "I am. He – he makes me happy. He's been really wonderful and supportive and – and yeah."
She chuckles, a slight flush of pink filling her cheeks and Vanessa laughs loudly.
"You got it bad."
"Shut up," Hailey mumbles, the pink in her cheeks turning a few shades darker.
Vanessa laughs again, shaking her head and then she gestures to the front door with one hand. "I should get going for real now, but I'm glad we talked and I'm really glad you're doing better."
"Me too," Hailey nods, pulling the woman in for another quick hug. "I really missed you."
"Missed you too," Vanessa tells her.
They separate a moment later and say goodbye, and as Vanessa heads toward the door she hears Hailey behind her.
"Tell Kev I said hi," she calls out with a teasing tone in her voice.
Vanessa glances back at her over her shoulder, smirking dangerously. "I'll try to remember, but uh, I don't think we'll be doing much talking."
"Ew, gross. Goodbye," Hailey says, waving her off and turning away.
Vanessa's laugh echoes into the kitchen from the entryway and another moment later she's gone out the door.
Hailey shakes her head, chuckling to herself as she makes her way to the living room.
She finds Jay and Avery cuddled together on the couch in a similar position to earlier, only now they're both sitting up and the little girl is cuddled into her partner's side. She walks over to them and takes a seat on the other side of Avery and the little girl leans into her immediately.
"Hi baby," Hailey says before she leans down and drops a kiss to the top of Avery's head. "I'm sorry I took so long. I needed to talk to auntie for a little bit."
"It's okay mama. Daddy and I waited for you," Avery tells her, looking up at Hailey with her big blue eyes.
Hailey grins down at her and wraps an arm around the little girl, squeezing her against her side. "Thanks for waiting for me."
"Ready for the movie?" Jay asks, glancing down at Avery.
"Yeah! Push play please!"
Jay chuckles and grabs the remote, presses play and then leans back into the couch cushions. He stretches an arm over the back of the couch as Avery stays cuddled between him and Hailey and the three of them set their eyes on the television.
Hailey rests a hand over Avery's head, running it through the little girl's hair and after a moment she feels a familiar chain beneath her fingers. She glances down and smiles to herself when she spots the necklace she used to wear daily still hanging around her daughter's neck.
"You're still wearing mama's necklace?" Hailey asks her, squeezing the little girl against her.
Avery tilts her head to look up at her mother and grins at her. "Yeah! Do you want it back mama?"
Hailey shakes her head, smiling softly. "No baby. You keep it."
"Really? I can have it?" Avery asks, her bright blue eyes widening with excitement as she stares at her mother.
"Yeah, really," Hailey nods. "It's all yours baby."
"Thank you mama!" Avery grins, dropping her head back against Hailey's side as she lifts a little hand to the chain and pendant around her necklace. She tilts her chin down, staring at the piece of jewelry between her little fingers, then says, "I love this necklace."
"Hmmm…I know you do," Hailey says, squeezing her against her once more. She glances over at Jay to find him already staring at her with a smile of his own on his face. "This is nice. Feels normal again."
"Yeah, it does," he says quietly.
He stares at her for a moment with that soft smile of his and lifts a hand to her slowly. He juts his chin toward her, gesturing between his hand and her face, and when she nods back, he places his palm against her cheek. She leans her head against his hand, raising hers to place over his and grins back at him.
They keep their eyes on one other, watching each other instead of the movie, and after another few silent moments between them he pulls his hand away.
They turn their attention back to the television, Jay's arm stretched out over the back of the couch again and Hailey leaning her head against his arm while Avery snuggles closer between them.
The little girl doesn't last long with watching the movie and a short while later her head falls limp against Hailey's side. She glances down to see Avery sound asleep and smiles softly at the little girl before glancing up at Jay.
"She's out," Hailey whispers to him.
He grins, shaking his head, then quietly says, "Didn't even make it through half of it."
He grabs the remote and switches off the television, then stands from the couch, careful not to jostle and wake Avery beside him.
"I'll bring her upstairs if you wanna start your tea," he says to Hailey.
She nods and looks back down at Avery, drops a kiss to the top of her head, and then whispers, "Mama loves you."
Jay smiles at the sight of them and after Hailey kisses the little girl once more, he leans down and scoops Avery into his arms. Hailey passes the little girl's teddy bear to him and stares after them as Jay carries Avery out of the living room.
She pulls herself up from the couch another moment later, straightens up a few things in the living room, and as she turns to head for the kitchen, she spots Jay's duffle on the floor next to the couch.
She smiles to herself as she remembers the conversation she had with Rachel earlier that evening and grabs the duffle before she can change her mind, and then she makes her way into the kitchen.
Jay comes back downstairs several minutes later and finds Hailey in the kitchen making her usual cup of tea before bed, and then he spots his duffle bag sitting on the counter of the island.
His head starts spinning as question after question plagues his mind. He thought things were good again, thought they were good again, and now he doesn't know what to think.
He tries to keep a stoic look on his face as he makes his way to the island, and then Hailey turns around to face him when she spots him.
"Hey you. I uh – I wanna try something," she says quietly before he can utter a word.
Jay can tell she's nervous as her bottom lip begins to tremble and her eyes dart between his and the floor.
He shakes his head quickly as he lifts a hand to wave her off. "I think I already know what you're gonna say and it's okay. I think maybe I've even kinda been expecting it."
Hailey's face scrunches in confusion as she looks up at him, locking her eyes on his, and then asks, "Expecting what?"
"For you to kick me out," he says with a nonchalant tone as he forces a smile and tries to play it off. Tries to ignore the ache that builds in his chest. He reaches for his bag on the island and holds it in one hand as he looks at her. "You've been going to therapy and putting the work in. and you probably want your space back. That's totally understandable."
Hailey shakes her head at him as she takes a step forward and reaches for the bag in his hands, then looks back up at him. "I'm not kicking you out."
"You're not?" He asks with a raise of his eyebrows.
"No," she says with another shake of her head before she smiles shyly at him. "I – I wanted you to…um, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His eyes widen and his mouth falls open as he's caught completely off guard by the question. He doesn't say anything after a few moments and Hailey can't help thinking she might have made a mistake.
The tea kettle whistles behind her on the stove and she gives him a tight-lipped smile before she sets his bag back on the counter and turns around to switch off the burner.
He follows after her to stand beside her, then quietly asks, "Are you sure, Hailey?"
She lifts her head to look at him and is met with a familiar soft gaze of green as he stares down at her.
"I'm sure," she whispers with a slow nod. "I…I miss you and I'm doing better. At least I feel like I am, and I – I just really miss you, but it's okay if you don't want to. We can – "
"I want to, Hailey."
"You do?"
"I do. I miss you too. But are you sure you're ready to take that step again?"
"I'm ready," Hailey assures him with another nod as she reaches between them for his hand and squeezes tightly. "I don't want you sleeping on the couch anymore. I want you to sleep with me."
He glances down at their joined hands, squeezes back, and then smiles softly as he lifts his eyes back to hers a moment later. "Promise you'll tell me if you change your mind? If – if it feels like it's too much."
"I will. I promise," she nods once more, smiling at him with teary eyes.
Jay gives another squeeze to her hand before he lets go and nods to her cup of tea.
Hailey grabs her mug and he reaches for his duffle, and then they make their way out of the kitchen. They stop at the front door to make sure it's locked up for the night and then head upstairs to her bedroom.
He follows behind her, watches as she makes her way to her usual side of the bed and sets her tea down on the nightstand.
They take turns in the bathroom – changing into pajamas and washing faces and brushing teeth, and when Jay opens the bathroom door and steps into the bedroom again, he sees Hailey already in bed.
He takes slow steps toward the bed, standing on what used to be his side and eyeing her curiously.
"Are you sure about this?" He can't help asking again.
She simply nods and pats a hand to the empty space beside her and watches as he slips into the bed.
They lie on their sides facing one another, laying in silence for several moments until Hailey reaches out a hand to him and rests it against the side of his neck.
"You can hold me you know. I promise I'm not gonna freak out," she says as she stares at him, the palm of her hand still pressed against his neck.
"Are you – "
"Jay, I need you to trust me."
He gives a slow nod and lifts his arm between them to drape it over her waist and rests his hand against her back.
"Did you really think I was gonna ask you to leave?" Hailey asks him a moment later.
"Yeah," Jay says truthfully. "This is your house though. I would have understood if you wanted some space."
"I don't want any more space between us," Hailey tells him as she brushes the pad of her thumb across the skin of his neck. She stares at him, taking in the slight twinge of sadness she notices in his eyes and sighs heavily beside him. "I've really made a mess of things for us, haven't I?"
"Hailey, that's not – "
"No, it's okay. I need to say this," she says with another stroke against his neck. "I – I know I've messed up and I haven't made things easy for you this last month. I'm so sorry for hurting you, for snapping so much and making you think I don't want you around. I – that's not what I want. I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to ever leave."
"Thank you for the apology, but you should know I never faulted you for any of it. You've been through hell, Hailey," he tells her as he stares back at her, smiling that familiar sweet grin. "I won't leave. Not unless you want me to. Remember?"
She breathes out a heavy sigh, one of relief and gratitude and love for the man beside her.
"I swear I'm trying. I really am," she tells him. "I haven't been seeing her for very long, but Rachel really is helping me. Talking through things with her has been good for me, but I know I need to talk to you too. I don't wanna shut you out anymore and I won't. I want us to be us, the way we used to be. I know we can't turn back the clock and do things differently, but – but maybe we can be better than before."
"We will be," he tells her, then says, "And you were right, you know?"
"About what?"
"Downstairs when you said you felt like you're doing better. You are doing better and I'm so damn proud of you, Hailey."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he nods.
She tears up, nodding her head slowly. "Thank you for being so understanding. For giving me my space when I needed it and for being patient with me. For being you even when I know I didn't deserve it."
"You do deserve it though. You deserve everything good," he says quietly.
"I – I want you to hold me. I wanna fall asleep in your arms, but I also need to stick to my routine before I go to sleep," she says almost nervously.
"Hailey," he breathes out with a soft smile before he pulls his arm from her and tucks it against him. "You do whatever you need to, and I'll be here."
She breathes out another sigh of relief and smiles back at him with a slow nod of her head, and then she sits up in the bed.
She turns and reaches for the nightstand, grabs her journal and pen, then leans back against the headboard. She folds her legs up, knees to her chest like she's been doing every night for the last four weeks and starts writing.
She reaches for her tea occasionally, still sipping at it even though it's lukewarm now, but the peppermint taste still calms her nerves and puts her at ease.
She writes for a while, longer than she thinks she has any other night, but it's been a good day filled with so many good things and she wants to jot it all down. Wants to remember all of it.
She finishes her tea and stops for the night a short while later, returns her things to the nightstand, and then she spends the next ten minutes working on her breathing.
Once she finishes her last exhale, she takes one more quick deep breath before she lies back down in bed. She turns over to face Jay, surprised to find him still awake beside her and already looking at her.
"Have you been staring at me this whole time?"
"Maybe," he smirks.
She hums out a response as she settles herself on her side before reaching out a hand to his and pulls his arm back across her waist. She's lying closer to him than before, hardly any space between them and his hand is a little lower on her back.
"Is this okay?" He asks carefully when his fingers just barely brush against her warm skin as her shirt rides up at the sides.
"Yeah," she tells him, raising her hand between them to hold the side of his neck again. "It's more than okay."
They stare at each other with soft eyes and sweet smiles as Jay draws lazy circles on her back with his fingers, and then she surprises him again when she leans in and presses her lips to his cheek.
"I love you," she whispers against his skin before she pulls away from his face and sets her head back over her pillow. "I feel like I can't say it enough."
"I love you," he whispers back, sliding his hand to her waist and squeezing gently, and then asks, "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," Hailey says.
"What's the deal with the necklace? I know you used to wear it all the time and then you – you gave it to Avery when – when, uh…"
"When Booth attacked me. It's okay, you can say it," she tells him with a nod.
"I'm just curious about it is all," he says quietly.
She swallows hard, but doesn't break their eye contact as she says, "It was a gift from Garrett. We were friends for a bit before we started dating. There's an "H" engraved on the back for my name. He gave it to me after I was promoted to detective and after he was killed, I – I just didn't take if off."
"I'm sorry you lost him," Jay says with a pained look on his face as he keeps his eyes on her. He's pretty sure he's said those same words to her before, but he needs her to know he means them.
"Me too," Hailey says softly. "He was a good guy and I don't think I'll ever not feel guilty for what happened to him, but things have a weird way of working out sometimes. Even when it doesn't seem like it."
"Yeah, I guess they do," Jay nods, tightening his arm around her. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I shouldn't – "
"It's okay, Jay. I'm okay," she assures him with a smile as she reaches her other hand down between them for the weighted blanket. She drags it up and over her body, covering herself and Jay's arm across her waist with the heavy material.
"That thing definitely feels a lot heavier than twelve pounds," Jay says beside her.
"Mmhmm, but I love it," Hailey says with a content little sigh.
"You're sure this is okay, right? Holding you like this? I'm not – I'm not gonna mess up your sleep or your routine, am I?"
"Yes, I'm sure and no, you won't," she tells him, smiling a sleepy little grin at him. "I'm already feeling tired. The tea and writing and the deep breathing before bed really helps calm me down. And then the blanket does the rest."
"I just don't wanna set you back," he says.
"You won't," she assures him with another brush of a finger over his neck. "Now shush and let me sleep, Halstead."
"Yes ma'am," he chuckles, squeezing her side. "Night Hailey."
"G'night," she mumbles as she burrows her head deeper into her pillow and snuggles beneath the blanket.
She welcomes its weight happily, enjoying the feel of being in Jay's arms again as she takes one last deep breath and closes her eyes.
The events of the evening quickly begin to fill her head – images of her and Avery and Jay together on the couch, the date they planned together, her conversations with him and Vanessa, and all the progress she's made over the last month.
As she starts dozing, she feels Jay squeeze her side once more, feels his slow breaths against her forehead as he begins to drift off as well.
And just like all the nights before since she first started therapy, despite another long day of emotional confessions and necessary conversations, sleep comes easy with the aftereffects of peppermint tea and her magic blanket and now with Jay's arm draped across her waist again.