At first, he was perfectly fine.
He participated in the festivities like usual: argued with Gumshoe about which badge was better; yelled at Lotta for putting her new camera on his tab; negotiated desperately with the hotel staff to make it clear that he had never offered to have a tab in the first place; gave in at least on the food and ate as much as he could to get his money's worth. Luckily, Maya faced down the bellboys in demand of doggie-bags for the huge quantities left behind. He might be freshly broke, but at least he wouldn't have to buy groceries for a fortnight… or maybe just a couple of days, at the rate Maya was going.
She always eats like this, he told himself, and managed to believe it at least enough to make the usual snide comments regarding the black hole in her gut. She laughed back like always and he could see it was the right move. She was bragging about her near-death experiences now – clearly, she didn't want to be fussed over like a victim. She wanted a party.
So they partied, and he was fine, and he was fine through the goodbyes too, and he was fine trudging home and tipping the weary Feys into the guest bed together, and he was fine alone in his own bed after, he fell asleep easily, and…
–Woke sudden and sweating before dawn, the words "not guilty" on his tongue and he couldn't breathe, the gavel was coming down and Adrian crying, Matt laughing and de Killer praised him for making the right choice, and he had to get out of bed and rush to the bathroom, bile in his throat.
In the end he didn't vomit, but it was a close thing. He settled instead for splashing his face with cold water, staring into the mirror above the sink and reminding himself he got his miracle. His tongue tasted bitter.
There was a soft shuffling behind him.
"Mr. Nick?" Pearl slowly stepped into the bathroom, muffling a yawn behind her hand. "A noise woke me up…"
"Pearls!" Phoenix blurted, quickly pushing the wet hair back off his face and pasting on a smile. "Sorry, I just needed to go to the bathroom. You can go back to b-"
"Was it a knight-mare?" she asked, so blunt it shocked him silent. After a moment with no reply, she nodded firmly, little face screwed up into a serious expression. "That's okay, Mr. Nick! I got them too, before the trial! But everything's okay now, so there's no need to worry."
There was something soft aching behind his ribcage.
"You saved Mystic Maya, just like I knew you would," Pearl reminded him with a decisive nod ten times too grown-up. It reminded him somehow of Maya, offering to channel Mia for him.
He swallowed hard. "Pearls…"
"W-when I was scared last night, I kept telling myself you were gonna save her," Pearl barreled on. She reached out and grabbed his hand; he felt choked and frozen. "And that calmed me down again, because you always fix things. You don't need to be scared, Mr. Nick. You already saved us all again."
I put your mother in prison, Phoenix thought, horrified. I was going to let Maya be murdered.
Pearl didn't know. She'd been channeling Mia the entire time, and only 'woke up' when the trial was finished. She had no idea of the choice he'd been presented with, and the way he'd been going to answer–
It was those same what-ifs again, pressing on his mind, weighing him down. He'd been lucky. He'd been so incredibly lucky yesterday, and even so he couldn't have pulled it off without Mia, without Gumshoe and Franziska, most of all without Edgeworth across the courtroom. He'd called off his attack, he'd put his faith in Phoenix to do the right thing, and – he would've in the end, was the thing. He would've.
Phoenix looked down at Pearl's determined smile, her utter undeserved faith in him, and the fact that it was the right thing would never be enough. The facts if he'd chosen otherwise, he'd have destroyed Adrian's life and set a killer free, he'd have let down Maya and Edgeworth both, none of that mattered, not when he would've taken away all Pearl had left and here she was squeezing his hands trying to help him feel better.
"Thanks," he croaked. Cleared his throat, and leaned down to pull her into a hug, thinking you're eight years old in that same shaky horror from a year ago, Maya trembling in front of him, stronger than she should ever have to be.
"You're right," Phoenix told Pearl, and picked her up, making her giggle in surprise. He carried her back down the hall, told her, "That makes me feel a lot better," and watched her smile grow until it stretched into another yawn.
"Now, c'mon, get back into bed. I'm sure we're going to be busy again tomorrow," Phoenix said, and set her down just outside the guest bedroom.
"Goodnight Mr. Nick," she said earnestly.
"Goodnight Pearls," he replied very softly. He waited in the hall until he heard the blankets shifting, and then a little longer for her breathing to even out.
Then he went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee, sat down at the table to wait for the sunrise. Thought about how if he had to choose again, right now, he'd still kill Maya.
I don't consider this fic abandoned, but don't expect updates anytime soon. There's only a few failed comfort attempts left, but for several of them I really want to replay the relevant case before writing the chapter. I'm slowly playing through the series with my sister, so I'll probably just wait to get to them that way.
The plan is to get to a happy ending chapter where Phoenix finally accepts comfort, but... for the time being, this is just unrepentant angst.