Chapter Four

Liberation Begins with Trust

A/N: My apologies for any mistakes, I edited this really quickly. Please enjoy!

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything besides Emalina.

~ oOo ~

Previously on Silence Has Been My Only Friend

"But, I…" She pulled away, hand immediately reaching for Freyja's lead rope; I knew she was searching for an escape, but the lingering in her movements demonstrated she wasn't sure which path to take. "I'll just drag you down with me."

"Than drag me down, Ema!" My voice raised, but I didn't' care. Her body tensed and I regretted my actions, yes, but she needed to know where I stood. She was my friend, and I made a promise on our first day of training that I would remain by her side. There was a mystery to her, yes, and I wanted to know what it was. "At least you won't be alone. Isn't that what you're afraid of the most?"

She couldn't widen her eyes any further than she already had. "How did you…"

"Emalina, you may be a mystery, but there are still things about you I can read."

"Damnit, Kirschtein, you're persistent! Why bother with me? Why me?!"

"Why do I need a reason, Varlen? Why? What was so terrible that you cannot trust me?!"

"Because I don't want you to die on me, Jean! Those who I've come into contact with have all been eaten by titans, I can't have that happen to YOU!"

~ oOo ~

Point of View

Emalina

Standing before me, Jean's arms fell to his side, head tilted down, vision fixated on my expressions, noticing how more tears fell down my cheeks. I could see how he contemplated reaching forward to caress my skin, wiping each individual tear away, but something was holding the soldier back, something restricting his arms to stay in place. My head shook, more from wanting to erase our conversation from my memory, but knowing it was burned for eternity. Tightening my hand on the lead rope, my feet nudged, desperately seeking to flee this place, this current moment in time.

All in all, I wasn't going to change anytime soon; change be damned.

"Emalina…" Jean's voice echoed within my ears, head tilted upwards to see his reaction from my statement. "I'm not going to die, hell, I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't know that," I quickly snapped in return, vile anger filled my tone.

"And you do?" He returned just as swiftly.

You're going to join the Military Police, aren't you? I thought bitterly. "Yes, I do, Kirschtein. Everyone I know around me has died at the hands of the titans!"

"Everyone, Emalina?" My body was shaking with anger, but this vile taste in my mouth was towards me, not Jean. "Marco's still here, Sasha's still here. And…last I checked, I'm standing right in front of you." His hands reached forward, but my feet moved backwards, gripping tightly against the rope. Shock crossed his features, as the male cadet crossed his arms, lips scowling. "I thought I was someone you could go to."

But the words I didn't want to say left before I could close my mouth. "But you're the person I want to walk away from the most." And before I could hear his reply, I turned, Freyja guided me, as my feet turned around, walking away from my stance, walking away from the one person who made me feel safe, who made me feel at ease. It was my undoing, walking away from the first friend I made as a soldier-in-training. Freyja's hooves clanked against the ground as we walked; Jean's voice echoed across the field as he called my name several times, but my feet nor my head turned in his direction.

Whether they have passed or still live, the agony that encompasses the torment becomes one and the same when you walk away from someone you deeply care for.

There were stares and heads turned as other comrades gazed at the situation, some watched Jean, some watched me, but for any who were near my path, stepped out of the way. Caution was written across their faces as they noticed my change in expression. Just with Jean, no one had seen me cry – the fact that I could shed tears surprised people the most, I think. Regardless, people left me alone, unsure how to approach the "new" person they saw; and thinking upon that matter made me realize that it was all my doing. It wasn't that people left me.

I was wallowing in my self-pity, allowing myself to be forgotten.

Nudging my shoulder, Freyja jabbed her snout into my skin until we halted in our tracks and I turned towards her. At this point, we were behind the barracks for the male and female dorms, to which I hadn't realized where I'd been walking this entire time. Releasing the tainted air from my lungs, I breathed in, a fresh flow of tears prickling the corners of my eyes. Kissing her muzzle, I gently petted Freyja's nose while using the back of my hand to wipe the mess away from my face.

"Well, look what we have here."

Standing straight, I turned around to see three female cadets standing between me and the alley between the dorm barracks. Tilting my head, I attempted in remembering their names, but nothing came to mind. Since I was usually around Marco and Jean, I didn't really know the names of other cadets unless I was around them on a daily basis. "Hey," I said softly, still wiping my eyes. "Did you three need something?" Though not in the mood, I attempted to make civilized conversation, not wanting to seem rude.

The middle female spoke first. "Not really, we're just wondering how a bitch like you has Shadis wrapped around his finger."

What the hell did she just…? "E-Excuse me…? What're you talking about?"

"Emalina Varlen, the cadet who Commander Shadis always calls on for a demonstration," she answered, a sneer appearing on her face as she stepped forward.

"Yeah! He's always using you to show us how to do things right!" Another girl stated, hiding her mouth as she laughed.

"I bet you sleep with Shadis, that's why you get all the attention!" The third girl finally spoke, as the other two broke into laughter, walking closer as I stood my ground. What they hell did I do to these girls? They don't know me or how I know Shadis. They don't know how I assisted with the 103rd Cadet Corps Training.

"You do look like Shadis' whore, you bitch."

"Now wait just a minute – hey!" I tried to defend myself, but the middle cadet grabbed my shoulders, shoving me to the ground; I landed on my side, hands holding the gauze on my temple, ensuring that nothing would cause more damage to the covered wound.

"Must be nice getting all the attention. Trying to make sure you graduate in the Top Ten?"

"Getting into the Top Ten doesn't matter to me. What does matter is that I earn my rightful place as a solider, by working hard, doing extra trainings. Besides," I scoffed, forgoing being civilized. "Why the fuck do you care? What the hell have I ever done to you?"

"You're pissing me off, that's what! You're getting special treatment despite us working our asses off!"

"Yeah!" Her friends chimed in.

Growling in anger, my hand pushed against the dirt as I went to stand, but the same cadet who pushed me down kicked my hand away and I fell once more, losing my balance. Dirt smeared upon my face, my fingernails scratched the earth, not understanding the circumstance. Despite these females calling me names for no apparent reason, I didn't want to say anything rude in reply. But just because I didn't want to, doesn't mean I didn't. "At least I put in the effort." The words had left my lips and there was no going back. "If you stopped half-assing your shit, you might become a decent soldier, subpar, at best."

"Why you little bitch – !"

"Hey! What's going on back there?!"

Running, the three cadets fled behind the male barracks as Reiner suddenly came into my vision, his large frame running past as he attempted in confronting the girls. I found myself once more pushing myself off the ground when another individual knelt by my side, hand extended to grasp mine; Bertholdt's face was what I noticed, a small lift of his lips had me confused.

"Are you alright?" He asked gently.

Nodding, my fingers grasped his as he assisted me to my feet, Freyja sniffing me the entire time. Patting her neck, I dusted my clothing, disbelief coursed my mind, not really understandinng what just happened. Reiner came into view, eyes narrowed with a scowl upon his face. Arms crossed, the bulky cadet didn't seem happy. "Their sneaky," he said. "Couldn't find 'em after we turned the corner. You alright?" Nodding in my direction, I couldn't say anything, still not sure how to assess the current situation. When I didn't answer, he questioned, "What happened? What did they do to you?"

"Um, well…" I rubbed my eyes, the waterworks forming in the corner. Emotions on high and my thoughts overthinking every detail throughout the day, my body was overwrought, and honestly? I was due for a good cry. As simple as I could, I answered with, "Just said some mean things to me, that's all."

"Did they push you to the ground?" I didn't answer, but when the silence stretched too long, Reiner assumed correctly. "Those bullies," he whispered venomously.

"They didn't do anything else, did they?" Glancing at Bertholdt, his words caused me to smile, but only just a little. Over the last months since we began our training, I'd had my conversations with almost everyone of my fellow comrades – Bertholdt was one of the few who I rarely exchanged words with.

"Just some mean words…"

"What did they say to you?" Again, I didn't say anything; Jean and Marco were really the only people I could speak freely too.

Well, freely as much as I allowed myself, I guess.

"It doesn't matter Reiner…"

"Yes it does, Emalina. Though we're in training, we're all soldiers, all comrades. We shouldn't be saying rude comments to each other." From the corner of my eye, I could see Bertholdt giving Reiner a weird expression, but I brushed it off. Probably surprised by his friend's words, I suppose.

I sighed. "I don't want what they said getting out to the others, ok?"

Seeing as I wasn't going to budge, Bertholdt stepped in, speaking for both him and his friend. "We'll let it go, Emalina. Just glad you don't have to go back to the Medical Wing." He pointed to my head as I touched the gauze.

"Emalina? Emalina!" Turning my gaze, I saw Marco jogging his way towards me, face slightly flushed as he stopped. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" Seeing Reiner and Bertholdt were accompanying me, and the redness of my cheeks, Marco grew worried as he quickly asked, "Hey, everything ok? What's going on?"

"Seems Emalina here's been harassed by other cadets," Reiner stepped in, answering for me.

"What?!"

Reiner wanted to explain the situation but I moved towards Marco. "No, Reiner, please don't say anything. I'll catch you guys later." Walking away, Freyja followed on my heels, but I stopped and turned. "Reiner? Bertholdt?" They raised their heads. "Thanks, I…I really appreciate the help."

"Anytime, Emalina!" Reiner replied, as his black-haired friend nodded.

With Marco on my heels, I walked far enough until we were close enough to the Mess Hall, finally seeing what the time was. Stopping to my side, Marco patted my horse. "Marco? Please tell me dinner isn't already over."

"That's why I came to find you. You weren't in the Mess Hall and I asked Jean. That's when he told me what happened between the two of you and how you suddenly just left. You've been wandering for some time."

"Oh shit…" I muttered as I held my head in my hands, and as if on cue, my stomach rumbled, gurgling to indicate that I better provide it food within a timely manner.

"Emalina, do you trust me?" Turning to Marco, I could see how much he wanted me to answer positively to his question.

"You haven't given me a reason not to trust you, Marco."

"True, but do you trust me as much as you trust Jean?"

"Yes," was my automatic reply. True, I felt closer to Jean, but the closeness was… Goodness I can't even describe what it is, I thought. From the moment I met Jean Kirschtein, my trust was immediate, though it took some time to accept that fact. With Marco Bodt, his friendliness and sincere nature dawned a realization upon myself that to trust him would be full of merit.

Overly happy with my answer, Marco's freckles danced as he smiled and gently grabbed my hand. "Thank you, Emalina. Now please, use that trust and follow me, there's something I want to show you."

"Ok," was all I answered, as the freckled boy tugged my hand away from the barracks and away from our training grounds. Though my stomach was more interested in me finding some food, I was more curious with Marco. What was it he wanted to show me? Why did he ask if I trusted him?

Stopping by the training stable, I placed Freyja in her assigned stall, giving her water and plenty of feed before leaving. Following Marco, I was surprised to see he leading us away from the training grounds and into the woods. With it being early Fall, the sun was setting earlier and earlier each night; darkness would soon fall upon us as the last stretch of light was almost consumed by the surrounding mountains. I thought it weird that I was being led away from our barracks, seeing as how our curfew was strict and we had to be within our dorms not long after dinner was through. A few minutes passed as silence overcame our senses, but my freckled friend wasn't one to simply let situations go, as mine did earlier.

"Emalina, do you mind if I ask you something?" I stated he could, whereas Marco stopped in his tracks, hand held against a tree trunk as he in my direction. "Jean wouldn't really explain what happened this afternoon after you dismissed us. Can I ask what happened?"

"Damnit, Kirschtein, you're persistent! Why bother with me? Why me?!"

"Why do I need a reason, Varlen? Why? What was so terrible that you cannot trust me?!"

"Because I don't want you to die on me, Jean! Those who I've come into contact with have all been eaten by titans, I can't have that happen to YOU!"

The words we spilled flooded my ears, I couldn't modify what we shared. Marco was only concerned, but I knew that he knew I shared more with Jean. To be honest, I think he was hurt by that, but never said anything. Change be damned, I thought, remembering my grim attitude from earlier. Gritting my teeth, I knew that wasn't true. I wanted to change, I wanted to be the person I was several years ago. No…NOT changing be damned, I finally decided.

"I…we…" Hitting my back against a tree, I slid down the trunk, arms wrapped around my knees. I sighed for the millionth time, staring up at my close friend. Yes, he is my close friend; then I better start treating him as one. "Jean and I got into an argument." Marco sat beside me as I provided him the recap of my conversation with Jean, going over everything we said to each other when I dismissed the rest of cadets after the training. "I don't understand why he's so persistent, why he bothers with me at all," I exclaimed. "And before I walked away, I told Jean he's the reason I wanted to walk away, and so I did."

"But, what was said that caused you to leave? Emalina, I'm missing something."

"I told him…I said that Jean shouldn't get close to me, as everyone I knew…" Leaning my hand against my forehead, I finished my statement. "Because everyone I get close to ends up getting eaten by a titan, and I didn't want that to happen to him."

"But, Emalina, we're still here."

"That was Jean's response too. But it'll happen…it's happened in the past." Whispering the last part, I tightly closed my eyes, chest beginning to heave in and out, focusing on calmly breathing. "Damn!" I harshly muttered, fist slamming into the grass beneath my side. "I promised myself I would change. Why the…why the fuck can't I?!"

"Emalina…" Marco whispered, hand ghosting over to my fist still on the ground, softly laying his fingers over mine. "You can't grow unless you want to. Since we first started our training, I've noticed the difference, seen the small changes you've attempted. You're talking more, you instigate conversations with Jean and myself before we do. You're smiling more than when I met you that first night."

Go figure that his statement about me smiling more caused me to smile. Being by Marco's side, my male friend produced a calmly nature where it was as if the fog clouded was eyes dispersed and I was able to see more clearly. I could see myself from an outside perspective, allowing me to assess and contemplate what I was thinking, what I wanted to feel compared to what I was feeling. Relaxing my fingers in his grasp, I molded our hands into one and leaned against his shoulder. As an only child, I always wanted a younger sibling; with Marco by my side, I felt I finally had what I always wanted. Older or younger, Marco was my brother, and I loved him as such.

"Marco…" I whispered. "I've been trying…I hope you know that I have…"

"I know you are, I can see it, Emalina. But you have to want it. What is it that you're wanting from changing yourself?"

Raising my head, we looked at each other before I finally answered, having known this since these two became my closest friends. "I want to stay by you and Jean. But…I don't want to lose either of you…"

"How I see it, you'll lose us regardless, one of these days. So, would you rather lose us by being by your side? Or pushing us away?" Eye widening upon his words, the deep thud within my chest increased its tempo, beating against my ribs, mouth falling in astonishment. The awareness of his words suddenly dawned upon my entire being.

Was it really that simple? How had I made this so complicated, yet Marco analyzed everything so straightforwardly? He was right though; regardless of what happens, Jean and Marco will eventually leave my side, whether by death or some other factor. So, by Marco's statement, it was time to enjoy what I have now, and forgo isolating myself in fear of being alone, being abandoned. One single tear fell from my cheek, but I didn't cleanse the salt water from my skin. Letting it fall upon my uniform, I flung myself at Marco, eyes curiously watching my reaction to his words.

"Thank you Marco, thank you." Releasing my arms, I immediately stood to my feet, shocking even myself at the vigor in my newly acquired mindset. Extending my hand, I reached for Marco's, pulling him to his full height. Repeating my earlier statement, I proclaimed, "I want to be with you and Jean."

Nodding at my statement, Marco took a step forward as he said, "Then follow me."

And so, we continued through the winds, our little "detour" only cost us about ten minutes. Twigs and small branches crunched under our thick boots as we moved, but luckily, it wasn't that far of a walk, the setting sun casting and orange-yellow glow upon the leaves, and ourselves. But just as when we entered the forest, we finally entered a clearing within the woods, and I realized Marco led me to the lake, its sparkling blue water cascaded across the small, sandy shore. Stepping into the clearing I gazed the beautiful location, having never been here before. As I stared in awe, I noticed the ground raised as the land rounded around the lakes shape, gradually lifting into a rocky outcrop, allowing an individual to dangle their legs if wanting to soak their feet in the coolness of the water.

But my mind halted in its viewing as I saw Jean stand from his sitting position, eyes cast upon me, a small bundle sat aside by his feet. Walking in our direction, I met Jean halfway, as he opened his mouth to speak. "Emalina, I'm sorry…" But my arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him to myself, my cheek peacefully listening to the steady rhythmic beat of his beautiful heart. It took the boy a second before he returned the gesture, placing his chin upon the top of my head.

"No Jean, I'm sorry. You've done nothing but stay by my side as you promised since day one." Pulling back, I giggled at the exasperated look he wore, mouth slightly gaping as he attempted in closing his lips, but each time, they feel open once more. "Jean, I want to stay with you and Marco. If you…" Inhaling a shaky breath, I smiled. This wasn't just any smile, but as I looked up towards Jean, as the man was taller than me, the lifting of my lips was the first time I truly displayed my pure happiness. "If you do leave, I want to enjoy the time we have now." Grinning devilishly, Jean circled his arms around my waist and twirled me around, my sudden laughter echoing across vastness of our limited freedom.

I had never felt so free than I did being held within his arms.

Placing me on my feet, I barely had time to register before I was pulled towards his chest once more. "It's about damn time! Marco, get your ass over here!" Shaking his head at Jean's language, Marco walked over and was consumed in our group hug, their laughter joining mine, my cheeks flushing with cheerfulness and an overall satisfying contentment.

That is, until the gnawing roar of hunger gurgled through the lining of my stomach.

I stepped backwards in embarrassment, but my boys weren't fazed. Walking to his previous position, Jean reached down and grabbed the bundle, handing it to me, along with a tankard of water. Unwrapping the cloth to reveal a bento box, I was surprised to find bread and cheese, along with some crackers. "Did you guys plan this?" I asked, peering between both of them, their faces smiling at one another.

"When you didn't show up for dinner, Shadis paid us a surprise visit. You weren't there and he questioned both of us where you were. You…didn't tell Jean anything as you left, so that's when I went to go find you."

Jean nodded, crossing his arms. "After Marco left, Shadis told me to grab food from the cooks and save it for you, and that we needed to make sure you had dinner. Before leaving, Marco told me to meet him here, saying he'd bring you. And, well, ta-da?"

I couldn't help but smile at their thoughtfulness. Sitting on the small overhang, I patted the space next to me, Jean and Marco knowing I wanted them to sit while I was finally able to eat my dinner. Teeth digging into the chunk of bread, silence fell upon the three of us, but it was comfortable as we stared into the setting sun over the lake. The night was gradually sneaking upon us, knowing we wouldn't have much light left before darkness claimed its rightful place.

"Um, Emalina? I need to ask you something."

"Yes, Marco?" I bit into some cheese, groaning as my stomach consumed and fulfilled its hunger status.

Pulling both legs against his chest, my freckled friend was apprehensive for he knew that I knew what he was about to ask. "Please…tell us what happened behind the dorms. Why were those girls pushing you around?"

Swallowing the chunk in my mouth, I gulped some water and swiveled it around before consuming. As he rotated his body, Jean raised an eyebrow, not sure would he should be looking at for answers: Marco or myself. "What on are earth are you talking about, Marco?"

"When I finally found her, she was behind the dorms, talking to Reiner and Bertholdt. They claimed she was being harassed by some of the female cadets and – Jean!"

Grasping my arm harder than he probably intended to, Jena turned my torso in his direction, eyes narrowed in anger. Marco was concerned, I get that, but I couldn't tell what Jean was feeling. Concerned as well? I could definitely see he was angry, yes, but there was something else. Something unnerving, perhaps. "Emalina. What does Marco mean. Who was harassing in you?"

Glancing down at the grip still on my arm, Jean let go, but still narrowed his eyes. "I'll tell you," I admitted. "But please don't go making a big deal about this, alright? Don't confront them, don't say anything."

"And why shouldn't we? Ema, if they hurt you, then I…"

"No, Jean. There's a difference if you step up to them than when you catch them in the act. You're just stooping to their level if you confront them and call them out. I don't want the other cadets to hear what they called me…" My fingers clenched the bento box tightly, their words rang in my ears. I knew why they called me what they did, but still – doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

"After I…well, walked away from you, I wandered around, not knowing how long it had been. I found myself, as Marco stated, behind the dorms and was confronted by three females. They started calling me bitch and…" Allowing myself to chew more bites of my food, I swallowed some water before continuing. "Basically, they're pissed, thinking I'm getting special treatment from Shadis. One even said that I'm his whore…"

Beside me, Marco shook his head as he sighed, on the other, Jean growled, teeth barred, imaging the scenario within his mind. "Something tells me this won't be the end."

With a mouth full of bread, I nodded. "I don't think it will be, no. This was the first time any of them said a word to me and they pushed me to the ground."

Instantly grasping my chin, Jean pulled my face towards his, tilting my head to gaze at the gauze on my temple. Ever so gently, he traced around the gauze, as he had already done so several times already throughout the day. "I'm just glad they didn't hurt you earlier."

"Same here. I can't believe what they did." Marco chimed. "I swear, what's wrong with people? They're assuming the worst. They don't know the relationship you have with Shadis!"

Leaning backwards, Jean peered at his friend behind me. "True. But neither do we, Marco. But we don't treat her like dirt." There's something about his bluntness that I love, I told myself. As it was true. In the time that I'd known him, Jean was never one to mince words, never afraid to be himself or tell people "how it is".

"Shadis knew my parents." Whipping their faces in my direction, I stared forward, gazing at the almost darkened night. It was too deep a scar to speak of my past, but what I stated to both Jean and Marco, that I wanted to stay by their side, I needed to keep my promise to them, but more importantly, I needed to keep my promise to myself. Change doesn't come easy, and it isn't easy to continue on sometimes. But here was an opportune moment to prove I was in this, that I wanted to keep these men by my side for as long as I possibly could.

"I grew up in Uma. We were one of the larger villages between Wall Maria and Wall Rose as we bred and trained all the horses used for each regiment, specifically, the Scouts." Turning my gaze, I shook my head and smiled when both boys scooted close together until they were side-by-side, watching my every move, listening intently to each of my words. "I occasionally met Shadis when he stopped by to purchase some of our horses, but the last time I saw him…oh man." Scratching my head, I tried to remember. "It was probably a little over a year before the titans broke through Wall Maria."

"So what happened? After the titans broke through?"

Jamming an elbow into Jean's side, Marco harshly cried, "Jean!"

"No, no, Marco, it's ok" I waved my hand in front of me, signaling his question was perfectly fine. Closing the bento box, I placed both the box and water canteen to the side, turning my body towards them as I crossed my legs. "Um, well…once the titans broke through Wall Maria, chaos was released, this we know. Hell, we fucking lost twenty percent of our population over the course of what, two, three months after?" They nodded in understanding, as this was probed into our heads during the first week of cadet training.

"Living in Uma was the absolute best. We lived close by to a forest, a small river ran through the village, but the best part? Each and every day I was surrounded by horses." Looking down at my hands, I found it was fairly easy to discuss my hometown. The memories crashed upon me, as I could my village before it was horrendously consumed and lost to the world. "I grew up with the beautiful creatures, as my father was the head breeder of Uma, as were his fathers before him. He taught me everything I knew."

"My mother learned from him, but she mainly stayed home to take care of the house, and then me. My childhood was peaceful, tranquil. Perfect, I would even say. We didn't really have any sickness and everyone was acquainted with each other that we were all civil and friendly." I clenched my fists, closing and reopening my eyes several times; each time, I noticed my vision grew blurrier. "It was just another normal day. I was ten and had just started my chores for the day: feed and water the horses, assist my father with training the older colts, get in some practice of my own…"

"But then we heard it…The silence that fell over the village was deafening, as stillness was very unusual. The beat of the earth sounded like drums, it was slow at first, occurring every so often. But it increased, and off in the distance we could see hordes of birds flee their homes, and it was then we knew something was off."

"My father and I headed home, but then he left to go see if my grandparents were safe. As he left, my mother and I were outside when the silence was suddenly broken, the beat of the drums was maddening, and rushed through our ears as the earth rattled. It was then the first wave of screams erupted across the village. Male, female, child it did not matter."

It was finally there – the tears desperate to fall. One by one they established trail one each cheek as I refused to wipe them away.

"From our house, we could peer towards the south of the village. And that's when we saw them. Massive, flesh eating titans, seeking us humans to eat. We were frozen in our spots as we saw our neighbors and family consumed, eaten one after the other. I remember…my mother grabbing my hand, pulling me into the house. Food, clothing, anything she felt I needed, she threw it in a pack, pulling me outside. Screaming over the terror of the afternoon, she told me to run, that I needed to escape with my life, but…I-I d-didn't want to!"

Choking on my words, I took several moments, trying to compose my exterior. Chest racking with sobs, I clamped a hand over my mouth but the tears wouldn't stop. I'd opened a door I forbade myself to ever open again. But sitting within the deep darkness of the room, I was forever done being lonely and scared. I thrust open the door, blinded by the comforting glow of light on the other side as two hands appeared before me. Grasping each hand, I would not back down, I would never back down. My memories made me who I am; it was time to revisit the horror, the slaughter of those that I loved.

"M-My father was running back as my mother placed me onto Freyja. He was shouting over the fear that was killing my village, yelling at my mother to keep me safe; but h-he…my father was crushed to death before being eaten… I was never given the chance to say anything else to my father; and then my mother slapped my horse, forcing her to flee…and flee I did. As we ran, I turned to my mother just as…s-s-she." I couldn't catch my breath, it was being caught within my throat, the sobs choking my ability to speak.

"Emalina please…" Marco leaned forward, placing a hand upon my knee. "Please don't force yourself…"

Opening my eyes with the remaining willpower within my soul, I looked forward at my friends. "I-I watched as my m-mother was devoured by two different titans…I was showered in her b-blood as I ran away." My voice turned into a whisper. "I was such a c-coward. I didn't even try to save her, I was s-so afraid…"

Quickly moving from his spot, Jean kneeled and pulled me to his chest, arms rubbing up and down my back. I let the floodgates commence, as the waterworks erupted, soaking through his uniform jacket. Opening my eyes, I withdrew almost as quickly as Jean pulled me towards him. Using my sleeve, I shed my tears and, unfortunately, cleaned my draining nose. My cheeks burned, I knew my eyes would be swollen the next day; but the door was now open, and light flooded my senses.

And by god, it was liberating.

~ oOo ~

Point of View

Jean

Seeing the poor female trembling before my eyes was absolutely terrifying. I was not expecting for her to go into detail of her past, nor allow us the insight into…well, everything she had experienced. Sitting there, watching her cry, watching her limbs shake as she relived her memories was torturous; but my feelings were inconsequential compared to those currently rampaging my friend. Nothing over the last several months could have prepared me for the truth she unraveled. Grief had consumed her, and I could tell Emalina was still shattered, as agony and torment engulfed her senses.

We couldn't do anything as we sat there, Marco and me. We listened, nodding our heads as we encouraged her to continue; Marco was the same, but I didn't want her to relate her youth if it became too much. Emalina refused to halter her speech, pushing herself to the edge, drifting between holding onto her grasp and letting go, falling into the pit of darkness. But she wasn't alone, and with her providing her promise, I needed to prove mine.

Moving from where I sat, I kneeled directly in front of Emalina and pulled the sobbing female into my arms. She remained still, but Emalina leaned her head into the crook of my neck and I could feel my jacket growing wet as her tears soaked through. I didn't care. Let her cry, let her release the bent-up fear coiled deep within. Whether she had allowed herself to grieve, I would never know, but the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. Whether they pass on or leave you for good, you can never accept their disappearance.

I would know that better than anyone, I thought bitterly. Shaking my head, I noticed my friend had pulled away, using her sleeve to wipe away the mess upon her face. The puffiness of her eyes, redness in the cheeks. I couldn't look away, it was a sight to behold, one I had never seen before. So beautiful…

Marco pulled up beside me, pulling a spare cloth from his pocket this time, handing it to her. "Emalina, here. You're going to ruin your jacket."

Taking the white linen from his hand, she looked down upon it. "I can't take one from you too…"

"Consider it a gift, then. In case you need another cry and we're not there, use these to help."

And use it she did, as I watched. Clearing her face of any remaining tears, she held the used cloth close to her chest as she switched between gazing at Marco and myself. "You two…have been absolutely wonderful. Thank you…thank you so much…" she whispered.

"That's why we're here, Emalina," Marco said, his smiling reaching to the top of his freckles.

Standing, I reached my hand out, noticing the sun had just passed the horizon line and we had maybe twenty minutes of light before total darkness would arrive. Taking my hand, I pulled Emalina to her feet and grabbed the box and tankard before saying, "You've had a very long day. Let's get back so you can sleep. You need your rest, alright?"

Nodding in agreement, the three of us trekked back to the barracks, avoiding any veteran soldiers as we were pass curfew and didn't seek the punishment for being out when we shouldn't be. Emalina had remained quiet the entire way back, though she smiled and walked between me and Marco. With the barracks in sight, the male dorms wasn't that far away from the females, but we escorted Emalina to hers first, standing outside for a few moments before we wished her a goodnight. Marco turned and began walking to our dorm, but I stayed and watched as Emalina opened the door to walk back inside; she turned once more and smiled in my direction before leaving my vision.

I don't know what the hell it was, but her smile was fucking contagious as I found my lips curling upwards.

Following my male friend, we headed towards our dorms, and just as we were about to open the door, we stopped in our tracks, back stiff and rigid. "Kirschtein, Bodt!" Turning, Shadis was behind us walking in our direction. Saluting our commander, we were surprised as he waved his hand, dissolving our standard military greeting. "Hands down, cadets. I'm assuming that fact that you boys are past curfew is that you were with Cadet Varlen. Is my assumption correct, gentlemen?"

I nodded my head, but Marco spoke before I could open my mouth. "Yes sir, we apologize. Emalina needed some time to talk and we gave her that."

"Whatever punishment there is for us breaking curfew, let us have it. Don't give it to Emalina. She's had a…rough day, sir."

Straightening his back, it was intimidating the way our Commander eyed us and evaluated our statements in his head. "Yes, I have heard. Seeing as how I'm the one who told you to locate Cadet Varlen and ensure that she had dinner, I will allow, this one time only, for curfew to be broken. But," stepping forward, Shadis leaned forward. Uneasiness filled my gut as our Commander whispered deathly, "If I find that either one of you have broken curfew after tonight, I will not hesitate to punish you two thoroughly. Have a good evening, gentlemen." And just as quickly as he appeared, Shadis walked off towards his quarters, leaving Marco and I gasping for breath, not knowing we had held it within as he spoke.

"Shit that was close," I muttered, opening the door to our dorm.

"Good lord that was scary," Marco stated in agreement. "And I thought he was scary during training."

As we walked across the dorm to our bunks, there were stares from the other male cadets as they noticed our arrival. Some asked where we had been and some asked if we were caught breaking curfew. Marco wanted to answer their questions, but I shook my head and continued walking. They didn't need to know what where we had been, that stayed between Marco, myself and Emalina. As we reached our bunks, Eren and Armin's bed sat across from ours and I could feel Jaeger's eyes on me as I stripped from my uniform and into something comfortable. It had been a long day and my shoulder was still tender from falling off Freyja, but I shook off the pain. As my shirt fell over my shoulders, I looked up to see Armin making his way towards me. Eyebrow raised, I waited and listened.

"Hey, Jean…Listen, about this afternoon? I wanted to say I'm sorry about laughing when you fell off the horse. It may not seem like it, but I am."

I knew Armin meant well, and the kid didn't speak unless he truly meant his words. Looking back, I could see how the image could be amusing, but when it happens to you, there's no fucking way it's funny. Among the cadets who were at the training, I'd assumed that there were a few who were definitely laughing at the fact that I was the one to be thrown off a horse; I would guess that others thought the situation itself was entertaining. "Nah, don't worry Armin, it's alright."

"But it's not," he argued back. "Emalina was right, you could have been seriously hurt, regardless of the fact that you weren't doesn't matter."

I sighed. "Alright, I accept your apology. But this is on Ema's behalf, alright?"

"Sounds good to me, thanks Jean."

Shaking me head, Marco climbed to the top of his bed, as two bunks were pushed together. As I grasped the wooden ladder, I noticed Reiner and Bertholdt by their bunks at the end of the bed; letting go, I walked over to them, their attention instantly on me. "Hey Reiner, Bertholdt."

"Hey Jean. So, uh, I heard Armin apologized about earlier."

"Yeah he did. What, you gonna say you're sorry too?"

"Nope not really." I groaned, crossing my arms. But Reiner laughed as he swatted my arm. Damn this hulk's got muscles on him, I thought. "Look, I'm sorry but not, ya know? It was pretty funny watching you be thrown off Emalina's horse like that." To his side, I could see Bertholdt swivel his head, lips shut tight as he was tempted to not chuckle in remembrance.

"Tch whatever," I grumbled. "Listen, I came over here to say thank you for helping Emalina earlier this evening." Both Reiner and Bertholdt stared at each other before bursting into an uncontrollable laughter. My teeth gritted, cheeks burning in slight anger.

But the bulky male noticed my reaction, his laughing calming down. "Wait, you're serious…?"

"Yes, dammit!"

"Ok, ok calm down. Look, there's no need for thanks. Emalina's your friend, but she's also our comrade. Plus, I could see what they did to her, I couldn't not do anything, right?" Reiner turned towards his friend for reassurance.

Bertholdt nodded. "She seemed upset but didn't show it. I hoped she talked to you about it."

"Yeah, she did. Look, I know we're not 'bubby-buddy,' but if you see those girls messing with her again can you let me and Marco know?" They nodded in unison and I couldn't help but feel relieved, knowing there were two more people to keep an eye on Emalina. Not that she needed it, of course, but something in my gut was telling me those girls weren't going to leave her alone. "Thanks, you two," I said one last time before turning and walking towards my bunk. As I climbed the ladder and sat upon the flimsy mattress, I could see Jaeger watch me from his bunk, but I diverted my gaze and looked over at Marco.

"Look at you; making friends and telling them thank you. You're so nice, Jean," my freckled friend chuckled as he rolled onto his side, away from my reddening face. I swatted his shoulder before rolling onto my side, my foot kicking his in sweet annoyance and brotherly love.

"Fuck you, Marco!"

~ oOo ~

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Chocobocolina :3