In Sickness
Victoria did not speak to anybody for days. Her silence was deafening within the palace, as well as a complete mystery to everyone. Her ladies had tried talking to her. The Baroness had offered words of kindness. Albert, The Duchess and Leopold had also tried to get Victoria to speak. But she refused.
She spoke at engagements. She was polite, kind and formal. But that was all. Her mind was too numb to converse with people. The pain this time was far worse than from when she found out about Albert's antics. Perhaps it was because Lord Melbourne mattered to her. Her tears fell whenever they wished as she had no control over her thoughts. The memories of him were so painful, but not painful enough to mask the burning questions she had.
As the days slipped by, Victoria started to opened every letter brought to her immediately. A fleeting glimmer of hope that he had written to her, or required her presence somehow. Nothing ever came. He had been silent since her birthday. Her boxes arrived without him, and her letters remained unanswered. He had vanished from her life and it felt wrong.
''Victoria is most upset.'' Leopold said casually to Albert. ''I believe she has had some bad news.''
Albert looked up from his book, noticing Leopold's coy smile, he placed it within his lap. ''What have you done this time?''
''I may have ensured she receive some upsetting news. I dare say Lord Melbourne is gone for good now.''
''He is the Prime Minister. Victoria will have to see him at some point.''
''The circumstances will be different.'' His face became serious. ''You know that I would not have to be doing this if poor Charlotte had survived. I should have been here. Not my sister, as lovely as she is. The sooner Victoria is with child, the sooner she is indisposed and has to appoint a regent.''
Albert nodded. ''I still have to get her to warm to me.'' He said, with a great deal of doubt set in his voice.
''Figure it out'' Leopold spat. ''It is because of your charm that we are in this mess. You have your chance. The last time Lord Melbourne left, you managed to convince her into proposing to you. I am sure you can use your powers of persuasion again.''
Albert nodded…. again.
Lord Melbourne walked out into the dark and deserted hall way of The House. It was late, much later than usual for him. He had wallowed in his own self pity for 2 days. His brother had finally managed to get him into the House today.
He had been angry at her. Of course, he was used to his reputation tainting people's opinions of him, but this was different. He cared about this. Her opinion of him mattered more than anyone else's, it turned out. He sighed, reliving the conversation with her. He had met the strongest, most interesting and beautiful woman he had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and he let her go, without a fight. Sadness filled his chest as his brain demanded another Brandy to soothe his pain. After Albert, and her apparent lack of trust in men, he did not expect Victoria to understand his side.
''There you are'' George's voice came echoing across the corridor and scared The Prime Minister half to death. ''I did wonder whether you had done something stupid my dear fellow.''
''Don't be daft.'' Melbourne snapped. ''How did you get in here?''
''Sneaked in.'' George laughed, sliding across the shiny tiled floor like a child on a frozen lake. ''The guards are rather useless after everyone leaves.''
George had been the person to stop him from slipping into complete oblivion, Lord Melbourne thought. His humor and light hearted approach to everything was incredibly annoying, but he knew that his brother meant well. ''I was about to leave, to come home.''
''I came to find you; I have never known you to be out so late for the government. Seriously William, this has to stop. Go and talk to her.''
Lord Melbourne sighed ''She expressed her wishes to be left alone. The only reason for me to contact her would be for matters of state. I have not needed her!''
''You need her more than I need these two legs.'' He stomped in the hallway. ''She doesn't know the full story.''
''I don't need to defend myself. I have done nothing wrong.'' He snapped at his brother but still his heart ached. ''She is behaving this way because of her husband. I cannot force her to trust me.'' Lord Melbourne walked towards the double doors, as his carriage had pulled up outside.
''It's that Uncle of hers, I just know it.'' George murmured as he hopped into the carriage away from the footman.
''It is probably best that we go back to how things were'' Melbourne's tone was sad. ''It would have caused trouble.''
''If you don't sort it out, then I will'' George warned. ''You're a pain, walking around so miserably. You clearly love the woman. Love is hard, you know that, but it could also heal that damn soul of yours, William. Stop hiding from it. Fight for her.''
''She isn't mine to fight for.''
Victoria looked at the huge glass house. Sat on the outskirts of London, Kew Gardens had been sold just before she had become Queen. She resented the decision, despite it not being hers, after Lord Melbourne had shown her his glass houses and exotic plants, she quite fancied the idea of having her own.
A new and rare plant had been grown in the house, which prompted Victoria to attend an event opening a whole new section of the glass house, dedicated to growing this new plant. Victoria had finally received a letter from Lord Melbourne. He had requested that she visit Kew Gardens, to open the new exhibit. Victoria further read in his letter that he was sure the new plant would be very lucrative if supported by The Queen, and would help the organization to continue researching new and forgotten plant species.
It had been just over a week since Victoria had seen or heard from Lord Melbourne. The Palace had become used to her odd behavior and had stopped asking if she was alright. She however, had not yet become used to the sadness that followed in his absence. Her anger had gone, and left in it's wake the worst heartache she had ever felt.
She saw him stood there in his usual formal attire. A deep red crimson cravat clung to his neck and his tail coat was blowing gently in the cool winter's breeze.
Victoria looked him straight in the eye and ignored the butterflies in her stomach. He looked so handsome, stood there. Her heart raced as she approached him. As usual, he dropped to one knee and placed a fleeting kiss to her hand.
''Lord Melbourne.'' She breathed. ''Thank you for inviting me to this engagement. I hope it brings much success to Kew Gardens.''
''Thank you for attending ma'am'' He replied with a small smile. ''Shall we?''
The two walked in through the main doors and Victoria was met with something a little different than Lord Melbourne's glass houses. A giant pond sat in the center of the large building, housing a large selection of water lilies on it's surface. Pathways wound around the plants and foliage in a very stylish way. Victoria was surprised that her family had given the gardens away.
''It is most wonderful here.'' She whispered, looking up and around in awe.
It was nice to get out of Buckingham Palace. The warmth and humidity reminded her of Brocket Hall as all of those pleasant memories flooded back to her. The plan was to regrow and produce the plant to sell it. The flower was very colorful and looked attractive as she saw it sitting in an open corner of the house, but Victoria knew little about it.
After the speech, and some mindless chatter. People seemed to linger and talk. It was far more pleasant in the warmth of the house than it was outside in icy London. Lord Melbourne had been busy, talking to many people about the variety of different plants within the building. He was clearly in his element, Victoria thought, as she watched his eyes light up with every question asked. He had not met her gaze once, unlike previous engagements they attended together, a feeling of dread filled her chest. Perhaps he did not care for her now.
After watching Lord Melbourne examine the flower in detail, Victoria waited patiently as he walked towards her.
''I hope that you are well ma'am.'' He smiled, clearly enjoying the engagement as his eyes did not stop looking around the glass house.
''Regretfully not Lord Melbourne. I feel betrayed.'' She said plainly.
He hesitated for a moment before answering. ''There would have to be betrayal present to have that happen ma'am.'' He said quietly, nodding to her and walking off.
She left shortly after.
It had been a few days since Kew Gardens. Victoria had retreated to her chambers and wrote a detailed description of everything that had happened in her journal. Her health had become poor. The evening and following day from Kew, saw her in bed, quite unwell. The Doctor had insisted that she was exhausted and needed rest, but the moment that her Uncle encouraged Victoria to let Albert take over for a few days, the young Queen had fought through her sickness and carried on with her duties.
As the 4th day approached, her health had been restored. She went out riding alone, thinking carefully about what she intended to say to Lord Melbourne.
She wrote to him, and requested his presence at the Palace, but she had received no response. He was clearly avoiding her. The Duke of Wellington had requested a visit to the Palace to discuss something of importance. Victoria had accepted, with confusion, as she was aware that The Duke was in opposition with Lord Melbourne.
As she walked towards the sitting room, in preparation to meet The Duke, Victoria hoped that this was not the start of something new. Lord Melbourne's silence continued to unsettle her now, even on demand, he would not reply to her letters. She would not stand for The Duke talking on his behalf, being a Tory. They had discussed her request for divorcing Albert, she would not be able to do that via The Duke, who's party wanted her under Albert and a regency.
''The Duke of Wellington.'' The doorman announced loudly as the Duke walked into the room with his usual ease of manner. He bent down and kissed her hand gently. He always seemed to do it differently to others, but Victoria did not mind.
''You wanted to speak with me Duke?''
''I have come to discuss a matter that has arisen within the public ma'am.'' He spoke with severity in his voice.
Victoria paused, ''Surely this is Lord Melbourne's job. As Prime Minister?''
The Duke sighed and rubbed his hands on his thighs uncomfortably. ''I am afraid Lord Melbourne is indisposed ma'am. I have come to speak on his behalf.''
''Why is he indisposed Duke?'' Anxiety pooled in the pit of her stomach but her voice remained firm.
''He is unwell. There is a 'mystery' illness within London ma'am. Only a small number of people have contracted it so far, some are recovering quickly, but others have died. I was informed that you, yourself were unwell for a time?''
''I was sick for a few days Duke, but nothing unmanageable. Sir James suspected exhaustion. I am perfectly well now.'' She did not feel that her details mattered. ''How ill is Lord Melbourne?''
''Lord Melbourne himself is quite unwell. There are no signs that the illness is catching as there is no direct spread throughout families. Doctor's are finding it a bit of a mystery.''
''Is Lord Melbourne gravely ill?'' Victoria asked. Most of the detail was bypassing her as her mind only really focused on him.
''No ma'am'' He replied hesitantly. ''He is stable for now, but his doctor is not confident that it will not get worse. Doctors say it is inflammation of the nasal cavity and it passes down into the lungs. This can also come with swelling, rashes, sickness and a fever.''
Victoria recalled her sickness sounding familiar, but not identical. ''I see.'' She said quietly. ''I am assuming you are coming here to tell me to keep inside, confinement?''
''No ma'am. I do not have that power. Although, I would advise it.''
''Lord Melbourne will not be back in office for a while i suspect. Who will handle the government business?'' Victoria questioned
''I believe a man named Sir Thomas will be attending the Palace to discuss these changes. He is the one that would stand in during any short sicknesses previously.''
''So why are you here Duke?'' Victoria tilted her head, not entirely trusting of the Tory man, who one minute would try and support her, and the next, put her down. She recalled his argument to her engagement of Albert. But it was not an entirely unfounded one.
''Regardless of party's, sides or political views. Melbourne and I are of a similar time. I have seen your relationship with him and I knew that Sir Thomas would not think to inform you of his affliction as it isn't something a Queen would normally consider important, providing somebody ran government imbetween.''
Victoria nodded, she opted to trust his words. ''I was waiting for Lord Melbourne to discuss this with, but if he is unwell and his return unpredictable, I would like to gather a privy council meeting at your earliest convenience Duke.'' Victoria added, swallowing the lump in her throat. ''It is about matters in court. So I require the relevant Lords here at the Palace for that engagement.''
The Duke nodded politely, sent his good wishes to Albert, and left shortly after.
Victoria sighed and stood as soon as she was left alone. Pacing to the window and looking out onto the frozen court yard. She felt terrible. She had pushed him away and was now facing her future without him. Panic coursed through her veins as she considered a life at the Palace without him. Losing him over Albert had been bad enough, he had remained as Prime Minister then. The thought of not seeing him again, after their last conversation was so unpleasant, no, it was unbearable.
She wanted to see him, to say sorry and beg for his forgiveness. She had dwelled on a story from years back, not a present fault like Albert made. At the time, her anger had been justified, but now, it made no sense, and the guilt of knowing that he was now ill too was suffocating her. Ignoring the impulse to run to his side, Victoria closed her eyes and took a long breath.
Asking for a Privy Council meeting felt wrong without him. Victoria had read into divorces, and was beginning to understand just how political and expensive an affair like that would be. She would be out of her depth. But the idea of living weeks, or even months beside Albert with no change happening was even more unbearable than living without her Lord M. She had to stand alone, as she had said before to him, and rule.
She worried about him daily, and now missed him terribly. This felt more like the love that she had read in novels. Where nothing felt right or normal without your other. She never missed Albert, or worried about him. Victoria noticed Lord Melbourne's absence daily, even when he was due to attend. Now, she was irritable, unsociable and unkind to most people around her.
Her spare time was spent locked away in her chambers. Isolated with her beloved Dash, and a small pile of books on divorce, that she had collected from the library within the Palace in the dead of night. They sat under her bed, beside the boxes containing her many dolls and she made time daily to read sections of them, learning about the history of a divorce, the cost, and how best as a woman to attain one. Albert had most of the say it seemed… if he was present at the hearing.
The Duchess had tried to force Victoria to see sense. Her and her Uncle Leopold had no sympathy for the fact that the Prime Minister was unwell. His doctor had written to her daily upon her request. Despite his condition not worsening, he was in a very fragile state and further sickness would certainly put him in grave condition.
A week had passed now. She had been patient. But guilt ripped through her whenever she thought back to how she had spoken to him. Even if he had a reason to argue. He still respected her wishes and left. She still feared that their last conversation would be that one, and that he would never know just how much he meant to her.
''I am going to Dover House.'' Victoria announced to her ladies. ''I cannot bear the thought of dear Lord M being poorly alone. I shall go alone, and return later.''
''Are you sure that's wise ma'am.'' Harriett asked politely ''What if the Lord is catching?''
''It's a risk I am willing to take.'' Victoria said firmly. ''The Duke told me it does not seem catching. I hope to be okay.''
''Are you out of your mind Drina?'' The Duchess called in desperation. ''You do not need to be sick whilst you have so many responsibilities. Lord Melbourne should not be your concern.''
''He is my friend.'' Victoria snapped.
''He is your Prime Minister!'' She exclaimed. ''You must focus on your marriage and life here. Stop chasing your past Drina.''
Not taking her eyes off of The Duchess, Victoria strode past her, ignoring her words and heading to prepare for travelling.
''Excuse me ma'am.'' Emma Portman had entered Victoria's chambers just as Skerrett had finished preparing her for her journey. ''Harriett informs me that you are going to Dover House to visit Lord Melbourne.''
''Yes'' Victoria replied with a blunt tone. She had not spoken to Emma much since her birthday.
''I have been waiting for the right time to talk to you ma'am. If you are going to Dover House. Perhaps you should attend well informed…''
Victoria looked at Emma, stood with a pleading look on her face and decided to sit down, offering her a seat too. ''I am listening.''
''If I had of known you were nearby ma'am, I never would have said what I said on the night of your birthday ball. Lord Melbourne's history with Annabelle is not what the public believe it to be.''
Victoria looked down at her hands and then past Emma to a picture on the wall, she did not feel like hearing this now. ''I am sorry Emma but is this really important?''
''Yes ma'am. That same evening Lord Melbourne demanded that I tell you about Annabelle as he was unable to tell you himself. I would not want you to go to Dover House with any unneeded emotions.'' She paused. ''Annabelle had a troubled marriage. Her husband was very abusive towards her, forcing Annabelle to take refuge in her friends. One of those friends was Lord Melbourne, who she had known for many years. Their friendship was considered close, and Lord Melbourne sometimes housed Annabelle at Dover House whenever her husband had been particularly aggressive.''
''It was the start of their love for each other.'' Victoria added.
''They never were romantically involved ma'am. Her husband suspected it for many years, but Annabelle held her church very close to her heart and never would have sinned in such a way. They always remained as a brother and sister type of relationship.''
Victoria kept quiet, continuing to listen.
''When Caro left, Annabelle helped Lord Melbourne with his son. She would care for him whilst he was at The House, and in return, he offered her a room for whenever she required it to escape her husband's hand. Annabelle's marriage was not a faithful one, and her husband quickly started using her disappearances as times to invite women over. This drove Annabelle further away and she became quite involved with Lord Melbourne and his son. The House began to notice, and assumed they were engaging in criminal conversation, although I visited often too and could see the two were only friends. As gossip spread, Annabelle's husband heard of it and it blew into a full scale scandal. He demanded a divorce and used Annabelle's kind nature to Lord Melbourne against her. Lord Melbourne defended her for weeks in the divorce court and provided evidence of her care to his son. Eventually it was dropped for the pair of them. Lord Melbourne was released of the claim long before Annabelle, but William would not stand back and watch Annabelle robbed of her worth just because she was kind to him.''
''Why is your story so different to everyone else's?'' Victoria asked, confused.
''Because William is such a private person ma'am. He never would have revealed the truth, as innocent as it may have been, because he didn't feel people needed to know. But when forced to tell the truth, nobody had any reason to argue with him.''
''Is that where all of the gossip and scandal came from? Speculation?''
Emma nodded. ''Annabelle's husband did not divorce her in the end. But he did attack her. She fell with child and he turned to drink, which made his aggression even worse. Annabelle began to fear for her and her child's safety as her husband started to lock her up for days, sometimes weeks on end. After the scandal, Lord Melbourne's son became sicker and the two only kept in touch by the odd letter. It would not have been right to visit after such drama.''
''What happened to Annabelle?'' Victoria asked, engrossed in the story.
''In the end she escaped and did go to Dover House. Lord Melbourne's son had grown very sick, and he wanted no more distress to come to him. So they arranged for her to go and stay at Brocket Hall. She birthed and raised the baby there. It was a big secret, and not one she wanted, but she knew it needed to happen for her baby's safety. She had a little girl, and remained there for a year. Her husband went to Dover House and demanded to see his wife when she did not return after a short while, but she was not even in London, and Lord Melbourne had no desire to give up his friend's safety now. So, he attacked William.''
''Poor Lord M.'' Victoria exclaimed.
''Annabelle's husband died before the child turned 2 years old. He had left everything to his wife, as the baby was his only child, to everyone's knowledge. So Annabelle used his money to set up a future with her daughter. She left London because of the memories she had there, and moved to Cornwall. She comes back annually, to check on his London town house, but I do not think Lord Melbourne has seen her since she first left. His son died just before she left London, and his isolation and grief was linked to Annabelle as he had no desire to tell the world that his son had died. I did as much as I could, but he was grieving the loss of a friend, and his son. I think it was extra troublesome because his daughter had died too, so to support a mother and daughter and lose those as well… it must have been painful.''
''I feel terrible'' Victoria confessed. ''He tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen.''
''William forgives well enough. Put it behind you and he will too.'' Emma said, with a smile.
The carriage began its short incline up towards Dover House and Victoria calmed the butterflies in her stomach. In her mind, she had no excuse for treating him so much like Albert. Whatever he had to say, she would accept and understand. She just hoped that he would see her. Sick or not, Victoria had missed him and wanted to be within his company.
The carriage stopped. She waited.
Dover House seemed different today, as her heels hit the stone floor and echoed off of the walls. All of the staff bowed to her, but could not hide their surprise as she walked towards the open doors of his beloved study without muttering a word.
It was spotlessly clean, Victoria noticed with a level of unease. Everything was neatly packed away and dusted, the smell of disinfectant was heavy in the air and followed her into whatever room she entered. Her excitement faded as apprehension kicked in.
''I wish to see Lord Melbourne.'' Victoria demanded to one of the maids in the study at the time.
The young woman hesitated, but did not utter a word of refusal. Instead, she quietly asked a doorman to take The Queen to the Prime Minister.
The staircase was tall and winding. The design of the house was very different to Brocket Hall. Fewer paintings sat on the wall, and novels were on almost every surface she saw. He resembled someone who lived within organized chaos, Victoria found it rather calming when compared with her pristine and well-planned life in Buckingham Palace.
The doorman stopped at two large double doors. ''Lord Melbourne has retired in here.'' He said formally. ''He has expressed his wishes not to be disturbed, ma'am''
Victoria knew that he was referencing his staff, not her. Nodding politely, she strolled into the room, placing her best fake smile across her face. ''Lord Melbourne.'' She beamed, holding her hands in front of her purple gown.
He looked terrible, she noticed with some fear. His face was white and shiny with sweat. His hair unruly and tangled against the pillow. He was in his bed clothes, and had clearly not left the room for many days, given the books, paperwork, food and drink he had around him. Victoria lost her smile as she reached his bed side and looked down at him. He was sleeping. His shallow breath and strained expression indicated he was in a great deal of pain even when asleep.
A small wicker chair sat beside his bed. Untying her bonnet and coat, she sat herself down and continued to watch him. She was more settled now that she was closer to him. But her feeling of guilt, sadness and regret still sat in her chest. ''I still get nervous when I am close to you'' Victoria confessed. ''Even more so when I look into your eyes. I have been such a mess, Lord M'' She murmured, not wanting to wake him. ''I overthink the little things in my head, and you haven't been there to help me with them.'' Tears formed in her eyes. ''I cannot believe I was so foolish as to think you could behave like Albert. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive my stupidity as my heart beats differently without you now.''
Deja-vu hit Victoria then. Just like with Lady Flora, she had so much to say, but she feared judgement. Taking his hand gently, which he did not stir too, Victoria kissed it. ''I have wronged you, and whilst I shall beg for your forgiveness, I do not deserve it.'' She whispered, tears flowing from her eyes.
The first stir of movement from him caused her hand to slip from his as he coughed violently and was rudely awoken by his affliction. He lay back on his pillow and gasped for breath, she saw his hands grip the bedsheets, twisting them within his fingers as he tried to settle himself. Victoria was frozen, watching him struggle, her tears dropped onto her hands that sat in her lap. His eyes looked tired and his body was weak. It broke her heart.
His eyes found hers and he froze. She offered a small smile through her tears and lifted her hand up to wave at him. He slowly turned onto his side and faced her. ''What're you doing here ma'am?'' He croaked quietly. Even his voice was different.
''I couldn't be away from you any longer.'' Victoria confessed. ''I have come to beg for your forgiveness.''
He closed his eyes, still catching his breath.
''Do you really think that I would be stupid enough to risk losing someone that was everything I wanted but I didn't think that I would ever find? You were well worth the wait for my many years of heartache ma'am.''
Victoria shook her head, still crying as his voice was barely a whisper, yet she could still hear his pain.
''You are too remarkable a woman to lose.'' He said plainly, never taking his eyes off of her.
She rose from her chair and leant over his bedside, cradling his head as she leant down and kissed him, her hand on the palm of his cheek the whole time. Her tears fell onto his cheeks as she held herself inches from his face. ''I am yours. Always.'' She whispered. ''You will get better, and we will be as we were. I promise.''
Her voice carried more sincerity than he had ever heard from any woman and she looked as pained as he was. He felt sick enough to be dying, and he was unsure just how gentle the Doctors were being on him when he asked what his progress was. His eyes felt heavy and his body numb as he watched her through hazy eyes, sit back down with his hand still in hers. Exhaustion took him, and her voice faded away.
When his eyes finally opened again, he was met with an empty room. Perhaps she had been a dream. He had been running a fever. It made sense. The things that she had said did not represent the young vibrant and stubborn Queen that he had grown to love… although the kind words and emotional honesty was something he had longed to hear. It had to be a dream… he thought sadly.
I had to make it somewhat relatable to Covid. If it wasn't for the lock down(s), I never would have written this. Please leave your thoughts below.