Title: Revelations
Author: EOshipmate
Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf etc. No infringement is intended.
Summary: What happens after Elliot admits the truth to Liv about the letter in season 23.
Olivia stared blankly at the empty wine glass as she sat quietly on her couch. Sergeant Bell had helped her get Elliot to Bell's car, and Liv didn't bother to ask questions. While she was somewhat distrustful of Bell, she knew she would take care of her detective. Elliot had passed out, reaching out for Liv, and she had guided him gently to the floor. His respirations were even, and it appeared he would probably just sleep off whatever had been given to him. But with Noah sleeping soundly in his bedroom, and after Elliot's drug-induced revelations, Liv felt it best to let Bell handle her undercover man and do what she thought was best.
So Liv grabbed a bottle of wine and collapsed on her couch, her mind spinning. Ten years of questioning how could Elliot just leave her after everything they meant to each other… They were not just partners but best friends, they looked out for each other professionally and personally, they defended each other with everything they had, each would take a bullet for the other no questions asked, and each would choose saving the other over anyone else- a trait they both realized was not ideal. But try as they might to stay apart, they were drawn to each other. Until Elliot left. But though he was physically gone, Liv still felt his pull. As the years went by, she was able to bury him deeper and deeper but she could never forget him. She also could never find the will to talk about him. The abandonment she felt when he left, the doubt his leaving gave her about their bond, the ache in her heart whenever something reminded her of him was too raw.
In the early days the ache never went away. She channeled it into anger, an intensity that kept Nick and Amanda at a distance and made perps want to confess just to be rid of her. She felt Fin watching her carefully. She knew she could turn to him to talk. But she couldn't bear discussing her loss with anyone. Even Cragen saw her pain and let her get away with an attitude that should have earned her a rip. But finally he forced her to face her wounds. She packed up El's desk as though packing up after a loved one's death, and threw herself into her job.
Eventually, things got easier. She learned to trust her new partners and struck up friendships with them. She started dating again, though her heart was only half in it. It was nice to not be alone. But none of her new relationships were whole in that she just couldn't let anyone in the way she had let him in, to completely trust them and show them her true self. Elliot was the only one she ever let see her vulnerability like that, and he had walked out on her. But she couldn't stop caring about him. She just wished she could ask him why. Why couldn't he even be bothered to say goodbye? Why did he have to leave her? In the back of her mind she wondered how Elliot was, where he had gone, and if he thought of her, too. As birthdays and holidays passed, she finally stopped hoping he'd call and accepted his absence. When she was abducted and terrorized by a madman, she allowed the hope to return briefly, that somehow he would know she needed him. But in the end she had to save herself, his voice in her head telling her she was strong and she would survive.
Then Noah came along, and her world changed. It wasn't the world she pictured for herself, but being a loving mom to her sweet little boy was a blessing. She had her work family, and she was happy. She tried not to let herself think of Elliot, and her busy life as a single mom and SVU captain kept her with little free time to indulge in missing her long lost friend. Once in awhile something would remind her of him, or she would have a dream of their old times together as partners, and she would imagine what would her life would be like if he were still in it.
And then suddenly he was there. The shock she felt as she stood face to face with him, wondering if it was all just another dream… Then everything happened so fast. Kathy's death, the Wheatley investigation, Fin's almost wedding, and Elliot leaving undercover. But in the mix of it all was the Letter. Her heart stopped when he handed it to her. She really wasn't sure what to expect. But when she sat alone that night at Hunt's Point, reading the letter it left her no less confused than when he had first left. To see in his familiar writing that what they had meant was nothing, stabbed at her heart. The repressed feelings that had been spilling to the surface since she saw him threatened to overwhelm her. She thought of all the cases they had worked, the many late nights on stakeouts, traveling to track down witnesses and perps, joking around over takeout, worrying over the other when hurt, the few brief physical reassurances they had allowed themselves to exchange- how could all of that have meant nothing? She still wanted to believe so badly that what they had was real, and as much as his words hurt, she continued reading. The last line stopped her in her tracks. "In a parallel universe, it will always be you and I." If they meant nothing to each other, how does that even make sense? But she clung to the hope that he still cared about her. And when he said things about her meaning the world to him and that he loved her, how was she supposed to make sense of any of it?
As Olivia reached to pour herself another glass, she sighed. It all made sense now. Kathy had always been jealous of her, as much as Olivia always dutifully sent Elliot back to his family and would defend them with everything she had. Even his mom had hinted about Kathy's jealousy. But even after ten years and oceans apart for her to still worry that Olivia had some hold over Elliot? Liv wondered what she didn't know. Did Elliot talk about her? Did he feel, as she did, that a part of him was missing all these years? Liv remembered wryly how El had scoffed at the idea of soulmates all those years ago. But to tell her that it will always be them together in a parallel universe? The conviction in his face as he fought to say what he needed to, wanting her to know the truth of how he felt. How he tried to stand and reach for her, touching her face, staring into her eyes with reverence… She never felt so sure of anything in her life. The ten years of doubt was erased. What they had was real. He really did love her as much as she loved him. And what did that mean now that Kathy was gone? Was this the parallel universe? Would they finally be able to tear down the walls and be together? Did she even want that now? Could she really trust him? And what about Noah?
Liv shook her head and took another sip. All she knew was that she still loved him and wanted him in her life. She just wasn't sure she still had the strength to let him back in.
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"Why don't you just call her?"
Elliot glanced up from his half-eaten plate of meatloaf and potatoes he had reheated after getting back to his apartment so late. His mom was looking at him curiously with a concerned tone in her voice.
"Who?" he asked warily as he rubbed at his newly clean shaven cheek. The lack of facial hair was going to take some getting used to, but he needed to feel like himself again, as hard as that was to face.
"Olivia, of course. She worries about you, you know."
He set down his fork and cleared his throat. "How do you even know Olivia? She was my partner years ago."
"Well, she came to see me when Katie was in trouble. She's a keeper." Bernie stood up and started to clear the table. "So beautiful and smart, so compassionate. No wonder Kathy was always worried when you had to work so much."
"Mama, it's ok." Elliot stood up and took the dish from her, rinsing it off in the sink. "She really came to see you?"
"Oh yes, we had a very nice visit. I would love to see her again. Why don't we invite her over for dinner one night?"
"Uh, I don't know, Ma, she's a captain now and has a son. She's pretty busy."
"Nonsense. Call her."
Elliot shook his head. Once his mother got an idea in her head there was no stopping her. "Yeah ok, maybe tomorrow. It's late."
Bernie grinned and gave her son a hug. "Oh good! It will be so much fun." And she disappeared down the hall to her bedroom, humming.
Elliot smiled after her. It had been challenging having his mom living here, but he knew it was the right thing to do. He was always trying to do the right thing. But sometimes it felt so wrong. He grabbed a beer and plopped down in the armchair, turning on the tv for noise.
Quitting SVU, leaving Olivia, that felt like the right thing for his family. Kathy was happy, he was more available to his kids… but he never felt right about it. He thought moving overseas would help, put distance between his new and old lives. But his connection to Olivia followed him wherever he went. He tried to be present for his family, but he suspected his wife knew his heart wasn't in it. Any time she tried to broach the subject he shut her right down. He would not, could not, discuss Olivia. He tucked her away carefully in his heart and did his best to move on with his life. He knew SVU cases made the New York papers on a regular basis, so he avoided looking up the NY news online and steered clear of any colleagues who tried to get him talking about his work in the States. He and Kathy and Eli made the trip back home a few times to visit the rest of the kids and his mom, but he stuck to conversations surrounding their day to day lives and stayed dutifully at home visiting, never venturing out to check out old haunts or stop by the precinct to catch up. He felt Kathy watching him carefully on these visits, wondering if he would go find Olivia, no doubt. But his heart couldn't take seeing her and leaving her again. It was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. And he just tried to imagine her happy, maybe married with a kid, moving up the ranks, satisfied with her life, without him holding her back. She deserved nothing but the best, and a married man being overly protective and wanting to spend every minute with her was not it. He reminded himself of this any time she came to mind and tried to busy himself with work and mundane family life, wishing that things could have been different… In another life, in a parallel universe.
That's why when Kathy insisted he write her a letter, he was at a loss for words. What could he say to her to convey what he felt? That he had to leave because he was so in love with her he thought it would destroy them both? That he had a duty to stay with his family? That he would give anything to be with her again if only he could? In the end Kathy put the words in his mouth- the wrong ones. How could he tell her that their time together meant nothing? How could she even believe that?
"You ghosted her you dumb fuck," he said out loud as he swigged a drink of beer. How could he do that to the person he cared about the most? All he knew as Kathy had walked away while he was folding up the letter, he couldn't just leave it at that. So he wrote about the parallel universe he imagined, and hoped she would understand. "It will always be you and I."
When he was drugged up a few weeks ago, all he could focus on was that he had to make sure she understood. So he staggered to her door, begging her to let him in. He told her the truth, steady, and staring into her eyes so she would understand. They always had an unspoken communication, and it registered to him as his words became clear to her that she knew. He wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her he loved her, but the best he could do was stumble into her arms and stare up at her. The look on her face told him everything he needed to know. The next thing he remembered was waking up on Bell's couch with a killer headache and back to his life as Eddie Ashes.
But Ashes was gone now, the case closed, and he had been back to being Elliot Stabler for a few days now. And he wasn't sure what to do. Liv was clearly angry that he hadn't kept in touch during his assignment, so he thought maybe he should contact her first. But after his revelation in her apartment he wondered if he should leave the ball in her court. Of course, his mom made it sound easy. Just invite her to dinner. He laughed out loud. What the hell.
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Olivia had had a few weeks to get used to what Elliot had told her. She heard through the grapevine that his undercover assignment was over and she had breathed a sigh of relief. He may have been eager to escape being Elliot Stabler, but she had to admit she was excited to see him again. Before his assignment she had felt some of their old comraderie return and had immensely enjoyed spending time with him at Fin's almost wedding. She was hurt and angry that he hadn't kept in touch during his undercover work, especially when he felt it was safe enough to see his family, but his confession about the letter dissipated her anger and she felt the pull of needing to see him once again. She had no idea what to say to him, all she knew was that she had to see him. She was expecting him to dodge her again, so his text came as an unexpected surprise. An invite to dinner with some of his family. Not what she was expecting, but she realized she was somewhat relieved that she would be seeing him again without the pressure of a solo conversation. A good way to break the ice. She texted back her acceptance and smiled. This ought to be interesting.
Liv left early that evening to stop at the bakery she loved to bring dessert as her contribution to dinner. Fin gave her a suspicious look as she walked smiling to the elevator. "Going somewhere special?"
"Nah, just cutting out early."
He nodded. "Say hi to Elliot for me. Oh, and ask him if he still wants to meet Phoebe's sister."
She tried to glare at him, but it came out as a smirk. "Good night, Fin."
He grinned back at her. "G'night Captain." It's about damn time, he whispered to himself, shaking his head in amusement.
Olivia winced at the pain in her temple and tried to move. Panic set in when she realized she was tied to a chair, and she flashbacked to a time several years before when she was tied up, drugged, and burned. Her eyes flew open and she took note of her surroundings. It was an upscale home, rich, tailored. She knew she wasn't dealing with an average perp. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her from her memories. She wasn't at all surprised to hear a familiar voice greet her as he walked into the room.
"Ah, Captain Benson. A pleasure for you to join me. So sorry I had to restrain you. You put up quite a fight." He motioned to one of his guards to untie her. Liv immediately stood up and rubbed her wrists.
"What do you want, Wheatley?"
"What I always want, Captain." He grinned and glanced at his watch. "We should be having company anytime. I'm sorry I ruined your dinner plans." He left the room again and kept his guard trained on Olivia. She was just going to have to wait it out.
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Elliot answered the door to his apartment with a nervous smile, expecting to see his former partner on the other side. Instead a different familiar face greeted him, holding up a phone. Elliot could see the photo of Olivia tied up to a chair in Wheatley's living room and felt sick. He called over his shoulder, "Guys, I have to go out for a bit, I'll be back."
"What about dinner?" he heard his mother's concerned voice as he quickly followed one of Wheatley's guards away from his apartment, not wanting his family involved. He got in the back seat of a car as instructed and allowed himself to be driven to where Liv was being held. What choice did he have? The ride was quiet except for what sounded to Elliot like his heart beating out of his chest. Wheatley had weaseled his way out of most of the charges brought against him, why bother with Liv?
As he was escorted into the living room, Elliot was relieved to see Olivia seemingly unscathed, sitting in the middle of the sofa. An armed guard stood by near the door as the other man left the three of them alone.
"You ok?" Elliot asked quietly as he sat down beside her.
"Great. I don't think the cheesecake fared so well," she replied wryly.
"What does he want?"
"You, I'm guessing. Otherwise I would already be dead." It was said so matter-of-factly, Elliot had to question what kind of life they were living that such a situation just seemed to be part of the job. Just another Saturday night, held hostage at gunpoint. He wanted better for her. She was captain now, she shouldn't be out on the field as much, putting her life in danger. Although he knew she wouldn't have it any other way. She was tough as nails when she had to be, yet full of compassion for the victims that came to her for help.
"I'm sorry, Liv."
She looked at him then and attempted to smile. "It's ok."
"No… it's not. You deserve so much better than this."
She reached for his hand then and squeezed it. "This is the life I choice. None of this is your fault."
"Ah, how sweet," Wheatley interjected as he entered the room. Liv let go of Elliot's hand as Wheatley settled himself in a nearby chair. "How is your little reunion going? Ten years apart, that had to be hard, eh Elliot?" He motioned for his guard to leave the room.
The former partners both stared at him blankly, refusing to let him see their emotions. "I get it," he continued. "You haven't had much time to catch up. Let me fill you in, Elliot. Your lovely partner here, this isn't the first time she's been… abducted, right sweetheart?" he glanced at Liv. "Does Elliot know about your… situation?"
Liv's gaze remained indifferent, but Elliot's eyes reflected a hint of worry as Wheatley laughed. "Don't worry, burning and raping isn't my style." Elliot couldn't help but turn to Liv in bewilderment at that point. He saw a brief flicker of emotion in her eyes before they hardened again.
"What do you want?" she demanded.
"Nothing," he grinned. "Just to let the detective here know who's in charge. I can get to anyone anytime. In prison or not. Keep that in mind."
"Then you might as well be locked up," Liv replied cooly.
"And," he added as he stood up, pulling out his weapon. "If I'm going to be locked up, I might as well make it worth it." He trained his gun on Liv then on El, back and forth. "Who should it be? Ladies first? How about you choose, Captain?" Olivia had a sick feeling in her stomach, remembering another time she had to choose and couldn't. She was a captain now, a mom, she had so much more to lose. But she knew she still couldn't be the cause of Elliot's death.
"Just shoot me," Elliot said as he stood up. "She has nothing to do with any of this."
Wheatley laughed. "That's too easy." In one quick motion he grabbed Olivia's arm and had her next to him, his gun to her side. "Maybe I shoot her and you can watch?"
Elliot could no longer hide the fear in his eyes, and he saw the same reflected in Liv's, calm as she was.
"Nobody needs to get hurt," she commented. "You want a deal? I can get the D.A. down here, we can talk." She considered trying her angle at flirting, but while she knew she still looked good, even Wheatley had called her a knockout, she didn't expect this angle would work on a man like him. He could buy anything and anyone he wanted. She flashed on the memory of Stuckey, and how easy it had been to distract him to save Elliot.
"Yeah, come on Wheatley," Elliot added. "You don't want to be some blue collar guy's bitch in prison. My wife's dead. Sending you away won't bring her back. It was your ex's idea anyway. I can get the charges dropped."
"And what? You'll just let me go?" He laughed, and while his grip on Liv's arm hadn't wavered, his hand with the gun was gesturing back and forth. Elliot had noticed it, too. He and Liv's eyes spoke "keep him talking" and he did. Elliot paced back and forth to distract him and kept baiting him. Liv remained quiet, trying to make him forget she was a force to be reckoned with. She was "just" a woman, and she had a feeling he underestimated her abilities. To him, women were sex objects, things to control. Liv felt his grip loosen slightly as Elliot continued to spar with him.
"How about the Cayman Islands? Bora Bora? Maldives? Retire there, have your goons run your business here. All the girls and the power you could want."
"I already got that, Detective." He motioned around the room. "Isn't it a beauty? And have you seen my wife? Magnificent. She does what she is told and she is damn good at it."
Liv saw the arm with the gun move away, and his handle on her arm had loosened. She nodded slightly at Elliot as she took her chance, ducking down, elbowing Wheatley's stomach, and kneeing him the groin. Elliot launched at him then and grabbed the gun as Wheatley slumped over. El had the gun pointed to his head before he could call out for help. Liv reached in her pocket and called for back up. Wheatley's bail would be revoked, and he would be in prison where he belonged. With a gun pointed at their boss, his goons were complacent and didn't offer resistance.
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They hadn't had much time to talk. Sergeant Bell's crew had arrived and secured the premises, and an officer drove them back to Elliot's apartment. Liv insisted on coming by for a later dinner than planned because she hadn't wanted to disappoint Bernie. Bernie was delightful, as usual, and Elliot watched quietly as she, Kathleen, and Olivia chatted. Eli had gotten tired of waiting and had gone off to spend the night with a friend. It amazed Elliot how they could go through such an ordeal then turn back to an ordinary life and mundane talk over dinner. But he had to admit it felt good to see his family and Olivia so comfortable with each other. It gave him a peek into that parallel universe he so often thought of. Liv hadn't seemed upset with him about what happened, and being in that situation made him feel like it was the old days, the two of them in sync, partners, them against the world. But what Wheatley had said weighed on him. What had happened to her while he was gone? He should have been there to protect her, to have her back. And he had just disappeared. He had made sure no one could find him. Aside from Liv's unanswered voicemails he had refused to let himself listen to, he wondered if anyone else had even tried.
It was getting late, and Kathleen left for home as Bernie excused herself to bed. Elliot and Liv sat comfortably on the couch. Neither was ready to say good-bye after the night they had had.
"What a day," Liv commented as she rubbed her head where she had been knocked out a few hours earlier.
"You're telling me," El replied trying to muster a grin. She could see the underlying worry on his face that he was trying to hide.
"Look," she sighed. "I was planning to tell you. But Kathy died, you were dealing with your PTSD, Wheatley's trial, then you went undercover… It was never the right time. It's not something you just bring up over coffee."
He looked at her with concern and asked softly. "What happened?"
She sighed. "It's a long story. Wheatley was partly right- I was abducted, burned, I wasn't raped… but it was bad, really bad… and it's not something I want to talk about right now. But I will explain more when we're both ready. Just so you know, the perp is dead, and I had to deal with my own PTSD. But I'm ok. It took awhile, but I'm ok." She gave him a small smile of reassurance and squeezed his hand.
"I should have been there," he commented. "I never should have left. Not just because of what happened to you, but because it was the wrong choice. And I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there, and I'm sorry I left in the first place." He squeezed her hand back. "The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you. I would do anything to be able to go back and change things."
"Like in a parallel universe?" she broached cautiously.
"Yeah…" he admitted softly.
"Do you remember the night you came to my apartment?" she asked tentatively. "Do you remember what you told me?"
He nodded. "Drugged out of my mind. But all I knew was I had to see you. I needed you to know the truth."
"One question. If Kathy was already gone… then why give me a letter filled with lies she wanted me to believe?"
Guilt shrouded his face. "I just… I saw you with your son, and Fin had said you moved on… I just didn't want to hold you back. You seemed happy. I didn't want to just walk back into your life and somehow ruin things. I thought it was a good way to have closure. But I still needed you to know how I felt. Even if you don't feel the same anymore." They were still holding hands, and he stared at them clasped together, afraid to see the truth in her eyes.
"How could I stop?" He looked at her then. Her face had matured but she was more beautiful than ever, her brown eyes full of caring, her hair cascading around her face, the face he had dreamed of seeing again for the last ten years, her voice somehow different yet just as soothing and grounding for him. Even after all he had done, she still loved him. He didn't know what he did to deserve it. But she was here with him. What he thought his life was going to be forever, now taking a path into the life he had only dreamed he could have.
"We're in this together," she continued. "You and I. This can be whatever we want it to be. And I know what I want." She did. She had many gut wrenching hours of soul searching, trying to figure out what was best for everyone, but it all came down to this. "We've been apart for ten years and this, what we are to each other, it hasn't ever gone away, as much as we've tried to make it. And I don't want it to. Ever. I want us to be in your parallel universe. I don't want to try to live without you in my world ever again."
"I missed you so much," he agreed, his voice shaky. "That doesn't even begin to describe the loss I felt. It was like a part of me was gone."
"I missed you, too." They couldn't stop smiling at each other through the tears that glistened in both of their eyes.
"What do you need, Liv?" El asked quietly. She had given so much. He wanted, needed to give back, to be there for her from now on.
"What do I need?" she said thoughtfully. "I need you to take care of yourself, go back to therapy." He nodded eagerly and she continued, "I need you to promise me that you are not going to run when things get hard."
He squeezed her hands more firmly in agreement. "Never," he replied quietly. "Never again."
"Mostly," she finished, "I just need you."
He reached for her then, pulling her in tightly, her head snuggled up to his shoulder, their bodies pressed warmly against each other. They remained that way for a long time, but it never felt like long enough, because neither ever wanted to let go. They had never been free to hold each other before, and it felt so good, so right. They finally pulled slightly apart, foreheads resting against each other.
"I promise," he said barely able to talk. "I promise I will be there for you from now on."
"And I'll be there for you," she replied. They pulled back to look into each other's eyes.
"I love you, Liv. I have for as long as I can remember."
"I love you, too."
Their lips met softly at first, exploring, tasting, assuring. Then their tongues melted together and they breathed each other in, hands caressing, walls torn down. The parallel universe was now this universe, and they had a lot of lost time to make up for.