Another little s4 ficlet, that has taken me waaayyy too long to write. Thanks to eblonde and Indelible Evidence and my dear beta for listening as I hummed and hawed with this one, trying to get things right. Thank you also for the proofread. You guys are great!

This fic is slightly canon divergent for 4x09. Instead of ambushing Kurt as he gets home, Shepherd is at the address that Jane gave them. Shepherd dies in a shootout that ensues. Instead of going home, Kurt goes to the hospital to take Jane home.

Please let me know what you guys think.

Remorse

Jane was sitting on the exam table, the chill of the room penetrating the thin hospital gown she was wearing in addition to her underwear. Her clothes were on a chair by the door, but at that moment even that distance felt like miles. Sighing, she leaned her head against her arms. She was exhausted, mentally more so than physically. Yes, she was achy from the fight and the bruised ribs caused by it, and the fever she had developed during her little journey through her mind was still present but the battle in her brain had left her drained.

Hearing the door open, she looked up.

"Kurt!" His name escaped her in an exclamation. She had been expecting one of the nurses, a member of her security detail or even Rich, but Kurt's entry caught her by surprise.

"Hey," he greeted her warmly as he walked up to her, taking her hand in his.

Jane took a few seconds to look at him: he was no longer wearing his body armor, only the ever-present holster on his hip. She noticed some dark stains on his jeans. Blood. She gasped, looking at him in alarm.

"Kurt, are you injured? What–"

He squeezed her hand in reassurance. "It's okay. I'm fine, it's not my blood. It's…" He glanced away briefly, sighing. "It's Shepherd's."

"What happened?" Jane asked, although she suspected she already knew.

"She was at the address that you gave us, but she didn't give up without a fight. She started a shootout, wounding a couple of agents before she was shot. We tried to save her, but she bled out." He gave a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry, Jane. I know you were hoping to talk to her, to get closure."

She nodded, numb somehow. She was conflicted. On one hand she was glad that the woman, who had made her adolescence and much of her adult life hell with her mind games and manipulation, was dead, but on the other, it felt as if death had given Shepherd the last laugh. Now, having Remi's memories as well, she could never make Shepherd answer the questions that lingered. Or have her answer for all the terrible things she had done or had people do.

"Jane…"

"I'm okay."

As Kurt cupped her cheek, she saw the bandage on his arm and the guilt came flooding back. That's my fault.

She reached out, gingerly tracing her fingers over the bandage. "Kurt, I'm so sorry I did this. I–"

He shook his head, dismissing her apology. "Hey, it's okay," he soothed. "I got a prescription for antibiotics from the doctor and it's going to be fine."

She averted her eyes, looking down at the floor. Somehow the room felt even colder now.

"You're shivering…" Kurt exclaimed, engulfing her in an embrace.

Jane breathed a weary sigh and pressed her cheek against Kurt's shoulder, closing her eyes. She didn't speak, just leaned into his arms and calming touch as he slowly ran his hand up and down her back. His touch had always had that soothing effect on her, ever since the day they met, and today wasn't an exception.

She gave a quiet sound of protest as Kurt pulled back.

"You're still running a fever," he said with concern as she met his eyes. She felt an inexplicable warmth in her chest at his look. Yes, there was worry, but the look was one he reserved only for her. The love and tenderness shining in there almost brought her to tears.

"I'm fine, Kurt," she said, hoping to convince him.

Every bit the worried husband that he was, he gazed at her, his brow furrowing as he tilted his head slightly. She leaned into his touch as he cupped her cheek. "Maybe you should stay here overnight, just to be sure that it won't spike?"

"No, they already gave me something for the fever and instructions for Tylenol if it persists." Jane sounded almost desperate, even to her own ears. She gave him a pleading look, leaning closer to him. "Kurt, please," she murmured. "I just want to go home". She felt physically and emotionally exhausted, and she could feel a headache approaching. She desperately wanted to go home, crawl into her own bed and fall asleep in her husband's arms.

Kurt held her close, kissing her hair. "Okay. We'll go."

Kurt stopped the car at the red light, and glanced at Jane in the passenger seat beside him. They were almost home, but the anxiety in his chest felt like it was a snowball rolling downhill, growing every moment. Jane was even more subdued than normal: she was leaning against the headrest and her eyes were closed.

"You okay?" He queried softly as he carefully took her hand into his, intertwining their fingers.

She swallowed thickly, her discomfort obvious. "The headaches are back. It feels like someone is sawing my skull in half."

"Oh, Jane. We'll be home in a couple of minutes." He squeezed her hand before turning his eyes back to the road.

He held on to her hand as he maneuvered the SUV onto their street. The car jerked as he found a curbside spot and parked. A whimpering sound escaped Jane at the sudden movement.

"Sorry." He hated seeing her in pain.

As he turned off the ignition and was about to exit the car to go help Jane out, she turned to him, and muttered, "What if this is it?"

Kurt had allowed to himself to feel a small spark of hope in his heart again today, when Jane had returned to him in spirit as well as in body. That maybe the information they had found on Roman's latest cache would also help them find the cure for ZIP, if it led Patterson to this treatment, as dangerous as it had been. But now, at Jane's fearful question, that spark almost went out: his heart feeling like someone was scrubbing rough sandpaper over his emotions.

"Jane…"

"What if it's too late? What if we don't find the cure in time?"

Now it was Kurt's turn to swallow thickly, as he stamped down on his own rising fear and cupped her cheek gingerly. "You can't think like that. We will find that information, and get that cure."

"Roman didn't. "Jane's tone was desperate as she repeated the fact that he was constantly trying to block out of his consciousness.

A pained sound escaped him, be she continued before he could speak.

"I was already hallucinating, just like he was. You know as well as I do that it's a late onset symptom!" Her voice was rising, her eyes reflecting her fear as she looked at him. "I'm dying, Kurt."

Ignoring the console between them, Kurt pulled her into a fierce hug. "Don't say that." He held her close, kissing her hair as he tried to comfort her. "We will find that cure. I promise." He could feel the tension in her body, her ragged, pained breaths as she fought to keep her tears away. He squeezed his own eyes shut, willing the moisture away as he released a shuddering breath. "You don't have to fight this alone. I'm right here."

Jane didn't say anything, merely nodding against him.

He wished he knew what to say to her. He desperately wanted to convince her that they would find the cure. In his mind, there was no there was no other alternative. They had to.

She groaned again.

"Jane…come on, let's get you inside."

Jane had gotten out of the shower and dressed in a tank top and underwear. She shivered, trying to will the headache away as she left the bathroom. She was about to enter their bedroom, but stopped abruptly when she saw Kurt standing in front of the wardrobe with his back to her as he cautiously removed his shirt. She noticed the bruising forming on his side, and hearing him wince she felt the guilt crash down on her again.

"Kurt…" She stepped up to him, tracing her fingers over the bruises with a light touch. She looked up at him briefly, before averting her eyes to the ground. "I'm so sorry…for everything I did, how I –"

"Shh." His fingers traced her jaw, then caressed her cheek. "I told you, it doesn't matter, Jane."

The tenderness in his voice and the love reflected in his eyes made her chin tremble, as she fought to control her emotions. "I don't deserve him. I'm such a terrible person." The guilt kept gnawing at her. It was eating her inside, but it was also like ice on her insides, freezing her, imprisoning her in a desolate vastness.

"It does!" Her voice quivered as she reached up to trace her fingers lightly over the cut on his forehead. "I shot at you…" The searing pain in her heart almost made her gasp, as she continued, her voice barely a whisper. "You could have died in that crash."

"But I didn't." His thumb traced her cheek softly.

Jane averted her eyes from him and stepped away from him, the remorse squeezing her insides.

"Jane…"

She saw the compassion in his look, and it only made her feel more undeserving. "You're too good for someone like me," she said sadly.

"Don't say that. You– "Kurt took a step closer, but she stopped him with a raised hand.

"I love you, Kurt. More than anyone. But the things I did…I lied to you, manipulated you."

He sucked in a pained breath. "You weren't yourself."

"I was plotting to kill you." Jane looked down, horrified at herself.

"I know. But you didn't." Kurt's voice was gentle, understanding almost. He reached for her hand, carefully brushing his thumb across the back of her hand.

She squeezed her eyes shut for a second, wincing at the sharp pain in her head. Pushing the pain away, she went on "I misled you and the team, covering things, blackmailing."

He shook his head sharply, almost as if he did not want to believe it.

"I broke Shepherd out of that black site! I was going to–"

"And we'll explain it to Weitz and the CIA. Jane, please. You weren't yourself." Kurt was pleading with her now, clearly agonizing over her words. "You're sick, it's the poison."

Still, the little voice inside her castigated her mercilessly. "You're a terrorist. You know what happens to terrorists." That realization made her blood run cold, as memories of those three months in the custody of the CIA surfaced. She remembered the pain, heard her own screams, and Keaton's cold and calculating tone as he had her tortured, again and again.

Her heart was pounding, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her eyes were wide with fear as they met Kurt's.

Her tone was getting more distraught with every word she spoke. "The CIA…what if… What if they're going to take me again? For breaking out Shepherd, for the money, for working with Violet, for–"

"No, Jane." Kurt pulled her tightly against him, and she went willingly now, closing her eyes as she tried to get her racing heart under control. "I won't let that happen. Ever." He murmured into her hair. "Rich and Patterson will come up with an explanation for Weitz that will keep the CIA away."

She lifted her head, gazing at him, being unable to articulate the gratitude and love she felt for him.

He gave her a loving smile, his fingers tracing her temple. He frowned when he noticed her discomfort. "You're still running a fever…and you're in pain."

"It's just a headache," she tried to soothe him, even though her entire body was aching now that the warm shower had reawakened her bruised muscles.

He reached out to pull down the bedcovers as he tenderly tugged at her fingers with his other hand. "Come on, let's go to bed."

Jane sighed, the weariness starting to engulf her. She was unable to hide a wince as her bruised side protested the movement when she turned toward him.

"Jane…" Kurt's voice was full of worry, as he guided her to sit on the side of the bed.

"I'm okay," she protested, as his hand went to lift her tank top.

"Let me see," he said softly, moving her hand away.

"Kurt, it's not–"

"Oh, Jane… I'm sorry," he said remorsefully as he saw her bruised side and back, tracing the bruised area with a light touch. "Do you need a painkiller?"

She shook her head, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "I just need some sleep."

"Okay. Lie down."

She was about to protest as he gingerly guided her onto the bed and tucked the duvet around her, but looking into his eyes she saw his love and behind it the anguish he tried to keep from her. She understood how important this was to him, now that she was back with him, in mind as well as in body. So, she just smiled at the gesture and closed her eyes.

Then, she heard the rustle of the sheets as he joined her on the bed.

"Come here." He placed a kiss on her neck and pulled her against his chest.

Needing to feel closer still, Jane turned, snuggling deeper into his warm embrace.

Finally, she was home. No mind games, no pretenses. Just the two of them.

"I love you," she whispered against him.

He breathed a shuddering sigh, kissing her forehead tenderly before he tightened his arms around her.

"I love you, too. We'll find that cure and everything's gonna be okay. I promise you."