MONOLOGUE TWELVE- CHELSEA COSMA
CHELSEA
Man, I feel like shit. I'm still staying with Garret so physically speaking, I'm safe, but…I'm thinking about what I thought about on the bus stop, and I can't believe I wished my own father would go to hell. Wow..I'm a really shitty daughter aren't I? Man, I can barely get out of bed just thinking about it. I've been looking through the few pictures I have of me and dad on my phone.
My last one was a picture of me, Cosmo, and dad at the park. I was swinging on the swing test while he held Cosmo in his arms, a trace of a smile finally on his face. I don't get to see his smile often. It wasn't like it was when mom was in prison for a little while, and the façade of freedom was in the house. There's also a couple of photos that I took from old records in the basement, and I took some from when I was a baby, and he was holding me in his arms. Man, I was a pretty cute baby. Haha.
I feel awful, like really awful. After I wished he would go to hell, I started thinking about that time he sang to me while we were doing dishes. His voice was so nice and gentle, and it comforted 5 year old me before mom came back, drunk and horny. I remember tugging on his pants, saying, "Daddy don't go. Please." And he didn't leave…because he loved me. He probably doesn't anymore. There's something telling me that's not true, but I also can't help but wonder if he's just as evil as mom is. Is Linnie an evil person, or is mom really slandering him? I don't know anymore. But I don't think I would care anymore is he was evil. I miss him.
I really need to call him, but I'm afraid. I wonder if it's a trap that mom's using to get me to come home. Back to all the torture. I just really want another hug from my father. I'm so miserable right now. I miss him even though I saw him yesterday.
Daddy, I'm sorry. I know you tried to take care of us, and you even put up with mom's beatings most of the time. All the times you were sent to the hospital were the worst nights of our lives. Mom would take her anger out on us, and you couldn't be there to comfort us afterwards like you usually did. Wow..I can't believe I wished you were gone. I probably wouldn't even by alive if it wasn't for you. She probably would've killed me.
Man, if he knew what I said in my head, dad probably wouldn't want to see me again. I can imagine him casting me away like mom did, and him telling me how I let him down.
Well..I guess a phone call couldn't hurt. If mom answers, I can hang up straight after, can't I? Well..here goes nothing. He's probably really really mad at me..but I'd take his yelling over leaving him any day. Dad, I'm sorry. You don't deserve to go to hell.