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Carlisle

Carlisle couldn't dream, but he did not need his subconscious to tell him what he already knew.

He stared at the wood-paneled ceiling from an era that was only the blink of an eye to him. He thought of the day when Rosalie had run towards him in panic after her hunt. In her arms was a young man, bloody and torn. His heartbeat was so weak that Carlisle had to concentrate to even hear him.

He remembered when she had begged him to transform him, to save the boy.

He also remembered how surprised he was back then.

Rosalie had never hidden her disgust for her own species and Carlisle's act, but Emmett had changed her. He had awakened something in her that had suddenly given her existence a meaning.

Carlisle remembered how incredibly happy they were and how relieved he was. His debt to her was not paid, but he could feel Rosalie forgiving him. An act he had never thought possible.

He remembered Alice. Her lively and happy manner, in such a strong contrast to the other strange vampires he met during his existence. He remembered how surprised he was when she said his name, even though they had never met before.

The things she knew about him and the others and the fact that she added to his family as a matter of course. In tow she had Jasper, a soldier who only knew about fighting and killing, but he chose another life.

Their life.

For Alice.

Even if the concept of the vampires and their mates was still just a theory for Carlisle as it had never been confirmed and the scientist in Carlisle refused to acknowledge anything just because he thought it was, one thing was obvious.

Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, and maybe even Bella and Edward were meant for each other.

Even if there wasn't such a thing as fate, they had all changed for the better for their partner.

And then he thought of Esme.

The 16 year old girl had her whole life ahead of her and whose thirst for adventure had always brought her into dangerous situations. And later the woman who threw herself off a cliff because of a broken heart.

It was easy to love her, her openness and kindness towards everyone, her sense of family and willingness to sacrifice everything for them.

It was a partnership that, due to their similar character and the loneliness that Carlisle had carried in him for centuries, made sense.

Carlisle had thought then, that maybe there were different bonds. Different types of mates.

There was the consuming lust that Rosalie and Emmett exhibited, the deep belief in each other and the unconditional love that Alice and Jasper felt, and then there was Carlisle and Esme. The glue that held the family together.

He was the leader of the clan and she was the mother with her caring manner, it wasn't difficult to recognize this connection and Carlisle was convinced that this is what he had been waiting for.

He truly loved her, not because there was no one else around or because he didn't want to be alone. Esme was just easy to love. He couldn't even say that he had come to terms with it - because he actually thought to the last that he had found his mate.

Then Leah came and suddenly everything he thought he knew was blown up. Everything he was feeling so far faded instantly in comparison to the feeling a single look from her gave him.

At first he convinced himself that the imprint was to blame, that it made him feel all these things and that his bond with Esme was was now not strong enough, that he had to try harder, love her better.

But now he realized that the bond with Esme had never been strong enough.

Not like the bond between Rosalie and Emmett or Alice and Jasper.

Or between him and Leah.

In that regard, he couldn't even blame himself for not knowing. How could he have known something that he did never expierienced? How could he have known Esme wasn't his mate if he had never met Leah.

Leah's scent had haunted him at the Black house since that night.

He hid from himself the thought that he might be wrong with Esme after all. Only Edward heard his thoughts and tried to persuade him. He thought of the discussion they had when Edward found out about his plan to just hold out until Esme found her mate. He remembered the anger that Edward was uncharacteristically displaying. Edward didn't understand why Carlisle was doing this to himself, but Carlisle had enough willpower to push it all aside and persevere. He could be stubbord when he wanted and he was.

But Leah weighed on him like a curse and reminded him every second of his existence that he was spending that with the wrong person.

From the second he began his second life, Carlisle was sure he was damned.

His very existence was in stark contrast to anything he considered good, and he never questioned the fact that, soulless as he was, he would go to Hell sooner or later.

He was a monster, a demon whose only purpose was to bring pain and death to humanity. In time he had found a way to live his existence in a way that he was comfortable with. It might not save him from damnation, but at least he did everything possible to help people and also to convince others that there was another way than to indulge in his nature without a fight.

He had started a family and was proud.

But something was also missing.

Looking back, he had to admit that the emptiness he felt when Leah was not around was not created by the imprint. It had always been there, but he hadn't necessarily noticed it. Rather, he had dismissed it as a side effect of his vampire existence. But it had always been there and was now simply being reinforced.

A realization that only now he could see clearly.

And now he knew what he had been waiting for. For the one person who made him forget his fate, who woke him up. The person who made his petrified heart beat again and warmed him.

Leah.

Leah crashed into his life as unexpectedly as a natural disaster. He had never expected it in his life, not even Alice had seen it. Likewise, the very thought that his mate might be a shapeshifter, his natural enemy, was downright ridiculous.

Especially with Esme by his side.

He knew why he had moved away from Leah, an act that no companion would actually endure. It wasn't Esme or a lack of emotion for Leah, on the contrary.

It wasn't just the guilty conscience that drove him away, it was fear. For the first time in his existence he was confronted with something he did not know, could not control or suppress.

The paralyzing fear that something might happen to Leah.

The fear of not being good enough, of hurting her or of being rejected by her. In hindsight, he had achieved exactly why he had actually stayed away. He almost lost her. A shudder ran through him. The very thought of it brought a deep-seated pain that made Carlisle hunched over.

Her steady breathing and her unmistakable heartbeat instantly calmed him and he wondered how someone who was damned could feel such happiness. Carefully he reached out for her hand.

Although he was painfully aware of the inappropriateness of the situation, he was still married and he was lying in bed with another woman, he still couldn't fight the urge to feel the warmth. He cupped her fingers and almost laughed when both of them let out a, involuntary sigh.

He hoped he wouldn't wake her, and at the same time was almost disappointed that she slept through. The warmth streamed into his body and he immediately wondered whether this was the imprint or whether Rosalie shared the same feeling with Emmett.

Slowly he let his gaze wander over her face, her tanned skin stood out in stark contrast to his pale skin, her cheekbones marked by the blood of her ancestors, gave her a proud and almost exotic appearance. Her eyes were big and round, and her nose not as doll-like as Alice's, but more noble than Rosalie's. Her lips were slightly parted, dark and full. He noticed how his feeling changed from admiration to pleasure and immediately tore his gaze away.

He wasn't going to start their eternity with a sin.

He would do it right.

The ring on his finger squeezed him all at once and it felt like it was cutting into his flesh. It was impossible but the feeling was more than real. Neither she nor Esme deserved to be treated so thoughtlessly.

"Carlisle."

Immediately his eyes wandered back to her.

She dreamed, her eyes were closed and she mumbled his name so softly that it was almost inaudible. If Carlisle had a heart, it would probably have just cracked.

He thought of how he had looked at Edward skeptically when he had admitted that he was watching Bella sleep. Carlisle called it a privacy invasion and didn't think it was right.

He couldn't understand Edward's motivations, but now he did.

It was just fascinating.

He knew that he would have no problem watching Leah sleep forever. He wouldn't be bored for a second, not a moment would he turn away.

The slight twitching, the deep breathing, the slow heartbeat and now his name too - everything she did subconsciously was captivating for Carlisle.

But nothing had prepared him for what followed.

She was a little restless, moving more than before, and Carlisle feared it had something to do with his touch.

Perhaps the feeling was too intense for a peaceful sleep. Although it was the last thing he wanted, he slowly pulled his hand away and tried not to respond to the lack of feeling and the cold that invaded him.

But he should be surprised.

Immediately her body moved in his direction, as if it wanted to re-establish contact. The feeling when her warm body pressed against his was indescribable even through her clothes and the blanket. Carlisle dared not breathe and closed his eyes.

His resolution to do the right thing and his self-control crumbled noticeably and he knew if he should inhale and smell her scent, he would lose everything he had so laboriously built up.

His freeze was not hidden from her and he noticed how her movements became a little more coordinated. She yawned silently and looked around disoriented.

It took a few seconds until she realized that she had slept on his upper arm and Carlisle watched the spectacle, fascinated. Her gaze found his and he lost his deep brown eyes. Her eyes were still clouded by sleep and he was sure that he had never seen anything more beautiful. But that raised a completely different thought. A thought that Carlisle had carefully ignored until now and which, unfortunately, had now expressed it so carelessly.

"Do you sometimes think that the imprint could be wrong?"

He tried to sound as unbiased as possible and to hide the pain that came with the thought from his voice.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her look at him questioningly. He hoped she wouldn't take his question as his insecurity about his feelings.

Because he was sure.

But even if she was as supernatural as he was, wolves were different. He didn't know how they age, whether they even did that. But her heart was still beating, her hair grew, she was changing- and that wasn't just about transforming into a wolf.

His species, however, was not. He stayed what he was and felt what he did for all eternity. But what if it wasn't just the bodies of the wolves that changed. What if her feelings changed as well.

Yes, the imprint was irrevocable, but had anyone had ever tried it out?

What if the theory was correct and the wolf in Leah just wanted to produce the strongest offspring, what if in one or a hundred years she met someone who made that possible for her?

"Before Sam imprinted on Emily, we were together. We were even engaged. Sam and I were the dream couple, we fought every day and immediately made up. We were both incredibly stubborn and proud, and yet one of us always gave in. When he disappeared, I was worried sick. I looked everything, I stayed awake all night and waited for him to come back and when he finally did, nothing was like before. He was changed, his body, his face. He wasn't the Sam I knew anymore. He was angry all the time, he pushed me away and still stayed close to me. It was terrible. And then he saw Emily. "

Leah's voice broke off, and Carlisle could hear the pain the memory of it still caused. Although the tension ate him up, but he waited patiently. His compassion for Leah swelled, but he pulled himself together.

"It was horrible, more than that. I don't know if it was the broken heart or the fact that no one understood it. My family, my entire tribe, just told me I had to come to terms with it. And when I first transformed, I saw it. I heard it in his mind and it was terrible. Sam had fought it with all his might. And Sam is probably the most stubborn person I know. But in the end he was powerless. He could not stop it. "

The thought that Leah was with Sam sparked a jealousy that Carlisle hadn't known before. It was like a fire that burned inside him and it took him more seconds than he would like to focus on her again. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. His pity for her was infinite and suddenly he became aware of one thing.

"I am sorry."

Leah looked at him questioningly and raised an eyebrow. "It was hardly your fault."

Carlisle grimaced in pain.

"If we hadn't gotten to Forks, none of you would have changed. Sam would have stayed himself and you would still be with him. "

Even as every word burned in his throat, he had to say it. It was his fault.

He had deprived her of the opportunity to marry, have children, grow old.

He didn't notice Leah staring at him in disbelief.

"Carlisle."

Slowly his gaze found hers and he almost shrank from the abundance of emotions he saw in it.

"Even if it took me some time to accept it, I know what I am feeling. Even if I don't always understand it, even if maybe I shouldn't feel it. I know how I feel when you are around me and I know how I feel when you are not. It's hard not to believe in fate when I look at you. "

There was a certainty in her words that Carlisle was only too happy to cling to. All he could do was stare at her and was shocked how she'd effortlessly wiped his fears and worries away.

He was still firmly convinced that she deserved more than he could ever give her, but it was hard not to believe her words when she looked at him like that.

Her eyes shone in innumerable shades of brown, at the edge they were almost black and in the middle a shade of blue shone barely noticeably out, which cast a spell over Carlisle.

He saw her gaze slide to his lips and heard her pulse quicken. He noticed how he slowly bent down to her and suddenly felt his conscience how it reminded him of Esme, his marriage vows and his resolution.

He closed his eyes in resignation and let out a breath unnecessarily. He moved away from her again and stared silently at the wall in front of him.

He couldn't face her disappointment and certainly couldn't tell her that the reason he kept her at bay, was his wife. To his relief Leah didn't comment on the moment but put her head on his shoulder again.

It was strange. Carlisle expected every second that the feeling of her closeness would wear off, that he would just get used to the warmth and happiness, but he didn't. It lost none of its intensity, on the contrary. The first touches were driven by curiosity, so now it was almost a compulsion. He helplessly needed the warmth.

He felt that she wanted to say something and that she was clearly struggling with herself.

He didn't want to push her and so he waited until her voice finally rose. The pain and the insecurity hit him deeper than he had thought and he noticed how he put an arm around her.

"I know the timing is not the best, but ... what about Esme?"

Carlisle closed his eyes again. He knew the question was coming, he was just hoping that he would have more time to find an answer that wouldn't hurt her. But he didn't want nor could lie to her. He loved Esme, she gave him security, was pleasant, understanding and caring.

And Leah?

He knew he couldn't call it love, they didn't know each other well enough for that.

It was something else.

It was more primitive.

It was an indomitable feeling that they belonged together.

He needed her.

She made him complete. Her absence created a void that Esme could neither create nor fill and he was ashamed of the thought alone. While Esme was very much like him, Leah stood out as a contrast. Leah demanded, she prevailed, knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to say that. He believed every word when she said that she had argued with Sam every day. He didn't know when he'd last argued with Esme. Probably never. Esme was lenient, understanding, and peaceful. Even if he didn't know Leah for long, he was pretty sure that conflict aversion wasn't part of her character.

He loved Esme's qualities, and while Leah didn't necessarily have them, he was drawn to her for that very reason. They fit together. And when he thought of Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett- maybe that's exactly what it was. To find the counterpart and not the twin.

He knew that it would lead to love - it was inevitable. But how should he tell her that.

"I changed Esme, back then, her heartbeat was so imperceptible that she was pushed into the morgue. We hit it off right away, our temperaments were similar and ... "

Carlisle broke off. It wasn't easy to talk about, especially not with Leah, whom he didn't want to hurt under any circumstances. And it wasn't easy to think that for several decades he had lied to not only himself but also to Esme.

He averted his eyes and took a deep breath. Her scent surrounded him like a mist, exciting and calming at the same time. Finally, their proximity gave him the strength he needed.

"I think we both wanted to see something in the other that wasn't there. I've been alone for a long time. Very long. For centuries. Esme went through a grave loss before she died. We were both looking for something and believed we had found it. "

Leah eyed him and he saw her processing the information.

He deliberately stayed away from the feelings of the present. Even so, the mood felt unresolved, as if the open question was still hanging over their heads and Carlisle knew that she needed confirmation, as he did earlier. As he phrased the words in his head, he heard her suck in breath and pause for a moment.

He could literally hear the wheels turning in her head. One more thing she didn't share with Esme. Esme listened to him and answered questions, but she never probed, she never questioned what he said. Leah, on the other hand, asked, even if it might not be appropriate, she pushed.

"Why did you ignore me for so long?"

How could you ignore me for so long was the unspoken question.

The pain was audible in her voice and it broke his heart. He knew that sooner or later she would ask him that, and yet he wasn't prepared for the feeling that was going through him. He had to stick with the truth and hope that she understood him.

"I knew if we kept meeting I would eventually lose control. And I was ... and still am married, even if that doesn't seem so important given the situation - I take marriage very seriously. And I thought that if Esme met her companion and was happy too, she would forgive me for leaving her. "

His voice grew lower and lower and the words sounded meaningless to even him. As if they were a bad excuse for a natural disaster. He didn't dare look at Leah, he didn't know how to deal with it if she turned him away. He couldn't blame her for it. He had almost ruined her life just because he felt guilty.

Leah

A heat spread in her stomach and instinctively she slipped away from him. She saw the painful expression on his face but for a second she couldn't deal with it. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Moments from the past weeks, her despair, the frustration, the scorching pain that grew stronger every day shot through her head and she felt the wolf trying to fight its way to the surface.

She felt his hand gently wrapping around hers and his dejected voice was little more than a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Leah."

Her eyes widened angrily.

"You are sorry? After all ... do you have any idea what you've done? What almost happened? And you say you are sorry. You could at least have told me! "

Abruptly she tore her hand away and stormed to the door, an act that honestly suprised even her. It was early morning, the deep, dark blue of the sky was bathed in a dark turquoise on one side and heralded the beginning of the next day. As expected, the streets were empty and the surroundings were just as quiet.

She heard the distant chirping of a few early risers and the loud snoring of some other hotel guests. As she focused on it, she felt the heat slowly disappear from her body. After a few breaths, she felt Carlilse carefully approach. His movements were so timid and fluid, as if he were afraid to scare her. His closeness let her anger slowly fade away and when she felt his cool fingers, which gently wrapped themselves around hers, she flowed again through the high that was triggered by the touch. Annoyed, she let out a breath. She couldn't even be angry with him.

"Leah, please."

His voice sounded deflated as if he were afraid she would leave him. Leah let out a snort. As if she ever could. She would be bound to him forever, no matter what he did.

"The next time you have such a brilliant idea, promise me that you will at least warn me."

Carlisle let out a sigh of relief.

"That won't be necessary. I've learned my lesson."

Although her size wasn't exactly small, he still towered over her and she could feel his upper arm on her shoulder. She gave him a skeptical look.

"I don't know .. how do you say? Old dogs don't learn new tricks? "

A hoarse laugh escaped him and Leah's knees went weak. The pride that she had made the otherwise serious and withdrawn vampire laugh made her heart swell.

"I'm not the one with the fur."

His eyes had a sparkle that Leah had rarely seen on him and he suddenly looked much younger than the age he pretended to be.

Leah couldn't stop herself as her mouth turned into a radiant smile and watched with satisfaction as Carlisle grinned shyly and averted his gaze.

The tiredness rose again in her and she now noticed the unusual time. Apparently she still hadn't caught up on all of her sleep and turned around without saying anything and marched back into the hotel room. The bed looked only slightly rampled and Leah wondered if Carlisle had actually acted as her cushion the whole time.

"Where are you going?" He found it hard to hide the panic in his voice. How he could keep his double life a secret was a mystery to her.

"I'm tired." Her answer was short.

Exhausted, she let herself fall into bed and was amused to see Carlisle standing in the doorway and obviously not quite sure what to do with himself. A situation she was already familiar with.

"Are you staying like this or are you coming here?"

Immediately he raised his head and marched to the bed. He slowly sat down, apparently waiting for confirmation from her. Leah snorted lightly and rested her head on his shoulder. She immediately noticed how he relaxed and wrapped an arm around her. The feeling of his closeness and his scent flowed through her and she noticed how her eyes slowly closed. She didn't know if she was dreaming it or if it still happened when he buried his nose in her hair and whispered

"Good night, Leah."