Carlisle

With every step he took away from her, the emptiness expanded into Carlisle's body. He was surprised at how quickly the need for her closeness manifested itself in him and how powerless he was against it.

While the thirst for blood burned his throat and was anchored deep within him, the urge to be near her was no less intense, but different. He knew he could control his thirst, he could trick and procrastinate and often ignore it. But Leah brought out a completely different feeling in him. The urge to be close to her was a compulsion he couldn't shake off. It was getting stronger and stronger and Carlisle could now feel it in every fiber of his petrified body. What made it worse, Carlisle's subconscious simply didn't want to fight it.

He stared at the house, what he had set up with his family, and what Esme made their home. Usually, it was his bright spot. When he drove into the driveway from a hard day in the hospital and he could already smell the familiar scent, a feeling of arrival flooded through him.

He was protected from prying eyes, he was finally home. But now he smelled the scent of his family, the wood and the building materials, the linen of the pictures he had collected and the expensive fabrics Alice and Rosalie had chosen, and he felt nothing.

It felt strange.

The despondency that Leah had subconsciously dispelled with her presence now returned bit by bit and slowly ate up Carlisle. He didn't know what time it was, and it didn't matter.

Apparently Alice had already seen him, for he could hear Bella's gentle heartbeat in the middle of the house. It was strange because Leah's steady beating of her heart penetrated him effortlessly and sometimes it was as if it were his own heartbeat. It pounded in his ears and combined with her warmth, it was easy to dream he was human again. It calmed him down, assured him everything was fine and almost put him in a trance.

It was a wonderful sound, more beautiful than any symphony and more even than raindrops that pelted a roof on a typical Forks afternoon. But Bella's heartbeat was just a fact. Confirmation that she had a heart in a sterlie matter. No more and no less.

With heavy steps he announced his arrival unnecessarily and he was not surprised to find his families gathered in the large living room. While Alice and Rosalie avoided his gaze, Emmett and Jasper gave him almost pitying looks.

But nothing could have prepared him for the pain in Esme's eyes. It hit him in the middle of his stilled heart and he only casually felt Jasper's attempts to at least alleviate his suffering. His heart broke for her and he hated himself to be responsible for her pain. Most of all, he hated the fact that he felt so powerless. There was nothing he could say or do to make it better. He couldn't lie to her, he couldn't pretend none of this had happened. He couldn't stay away from Leah even if it was helping Esme. He couldn't.

"I am sorry."

His voice scratched his throat and he was startled by the emotion it contained. Although he could hardly bear the look in Esme's eyes, he couldn't take his eyes off her either. Without a word she got up and went to their common room. Carlisle followed her immediately and tried not to interpret the strained gaze of his eldest son.

Unnecessarily, he closed the door behind him, but at least it gave them an impression of privacy. With a respectable distance he sat down next to Esme and he couldn't help but notice how he felt out of place in his own house, in his own room next to his wife. As if he didn't belong here and it was a terrible feeling.

"Esme."

"I know, Carlisle."

Her voice was full of emotion and his heart broke again. Timidly he took her hand and gave her enough time to pull it away. But she paused and stared at his much larger, pale hand that completely covered hers. He was shocked at how strange the contact felt, as if he wasn't holding his wife's hand but a cold iron piece. Just like when they were hugging, he felt nothing. No warmth, no happiness, no security. Just the emptiness that still spreads through his dead veins. As warm as his wife was, her body felt cold and hard.

She looked indecisive and lost for a moment, but her voice was clear and gentle.

"Please don't think I'm not indulging your happiness Carlisle. Because I do. I do it with all my heart."

He nodded energetically and he could feel how important it was to her that he believed her. And he did. Esme had never lied to him before. Except for the one time when Emmett smashed the wall to his office out of anger and Esme tried to convince him that it was the storm. Even now he had to smile at the bad lie.

"But it's just ..."

She let out a loud breath and Carlisle gently squeezed her cold fingers.

"Its hard."

"I know. I wish .."

Her amber eyes found his gaze and the pain in them had not diminished. On the contrary. It beamed at Carlisle and mocked his sympathy for her. For a second he wished he could give her what she wanted. He wished he could be the man he was to her again - or more.

But he couldn't.

And so he did not finish his sentence. He had thought over his next words well and although he was not yet really aware of the consequences, or wanted to be aware of them, he knew that it was the only way to help her.

"Maybe it would be better if I leave you for a while."

Her eyes widened in horror.

"No. It's your Carlisle family, you are our leader. You need them."

It was unspoken, but Carlisle heard the implication very well. She toyed with the idea of giving up everything for him. That wasn't an option for him and if it was the last thing he did - he would prevent it.

"You need them more than I do now, Esme."

She shook her head as if she could shake off the very thought of him going away.

"I can't possibly ask that of you."

"You do not ask for it. It is my decision."

He could see that she was still resisting it and followed up with a lighter tone.

"Besides, who else was going to keep them out of trouble ?"

Immediately her gaze softened and she relaxed. A slight smile spread across her soft features and Carlisle let out a relieved breath. He might not be the man she needed, but he could leave her her family. She would at least have that, and in time, when she met her mate, the pain would subside. He had to cling to that hope.

He packed a few things he needed as fast as he could and didn't dare to look at Esme. For a moment he wished she would get angry. That she would yell at him, throw something at him, or attack him. But the sadness and the pain were far worse than any attack she could offer him. At the same time, he had hardly expected anything else. She loved him and he knew she was granting him happiness, he didn't doubt it for a second. That was just her character. Esme always loved others more than herself, she always gave more than she got back and was completely satisfied with it. She was truly the heart of this family.

He stood unsure in the room and watched her walk slowly towards him. There was something final about her movement, as if she knew exactly that it would be the last time and Carlisle's eyes burned from the tears he couldn't drop. She pulled him into a hug and Carlisle hugged her tightly. Again, her body was in stark contrast to Leahs.

It was hard and cold. He inhaled her scent and closed his eyes. He prayed to anyone who wanted to hear him that she would find her happiness soon. That the one who could relieve her of the pain he was causing her was already on the way to her. Almost casually he took her fingers, which wrapped around his right hand. Confused, he looked at her and only later noticed that she had pulled his wedding ring from his ring finger with one fluid movement.

He stared at the bare hand and it was almost as if he couldn't believe it was his. The sight was so strange. He breathed in and out deeply before looking at her. Her honey-colored eyes sparkled with understanding and affection, and Carlisle couldn't believe anyone would deserve her. Especially not him.

Carlisle noticed that she didn't follow him when he went back downstairs and he was partly glad of that. Only the male vampires were present in the living room and Carlisle was stabbed again. Surprisingly, Emmett spoke first and he patted Carlisle hard on the shoulder with his huge hands.

"They'll get over it Pops."

It was hard not to be infected by his ease, especially when Jasper was probably doing his part. The latter looked at him in silence and nodded to him. Jasper had sensed what was going on in Carlisle from the start and that alone made him feel bad. He felt his guilty conscience and quickly shook his head.

"Don't worry. Alice is just angry because she can't see anything anymore."

He said goodbye with a tight hug and heard Edward's footsteps behind him. He followed him outside and then stopped. He could still hear Bella's heartbeat in the house and suspected that Alice had been hogging her as usual.

Edward's face was pulled into a thoughtful grimace, reminding Carlisle of the time before Bella. When Edward was constantly buried in his thoughts and could hardly be got out of his stoic demeanor.

"I could go with you."

A wave of affection and pride gripped Carlisle. Edward was his first true friend and even though he knew that he was accusing him of his transformation and the damnation that went with it, he felt a deep connection to him.

"No, you have to stay here and keep an eye on everyone."

He thought of Esme especially and knew that Edward could hear his thoughts.

"I'm going to ask Bella if she wants to marry me."

Immediately Carlisle felt a sense of elation and his mouth twisted into his big smile. He wrapped the younger vampire in his arms and patted him on the back. His joy was infectious and Edward had to grin too.

"I'm happy for you. With all my heart."

"I hope so, I wanted to ask you if you are my best man."

Carlisle immediately felt guilty about feeling this happiness after creating so much suffering and Edward's face darkened slightly. He looked almost as if he regretted bringing up the subject at the time, but Carlisle nodded quickly and gave him an encouraging smile.

He felt how Edward wanted to go back to Bella and he too felt an urge that unmistakably pulled him in a certain direction. Knowingly Edward nodded to him and when he turned around he was surprised to hear his voice again.

"Oh, Carlisle?"

The blonde vampire turned expectantly.

"You stink."

All of a sudden, Carlisle heard deep roaring laughter from the house. Emmett.

Edwards gave him a mischievous grin and Carlisle couldn't help but laugh softly.