Carlisle

He stared at his hands in disbelief and barely recognized them. Cold and hard, they looked as if they were made of stone, and with their pale color they accentuated the rich red even more. As if he needed confirmation of what had just happened. In a split second, he took off from the house and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. But no matter how fast he ran, the monster was hot on his heels.

It grinned contentedly at Carlisle with a bloody grimace and became more and more dissatisfied with every meter he walked away from Leah. His father was right. Monsters like him should be destroyed, they were a plague that terrorized humanity and destroyed everything that was good. A plague that should be exterminated. He was the best proof of that. No matter how hard he tried, how long he had exposed himself to the lust for human blood, deep down he couldn't conquer who he was. A hideous monstrosity.

He still felt the need in his body and shuddered in disgust. Only when he heard the heavy footsteps of a wolf behind him did he slow down and finally stop.

He closed his eyes and prepared himself.

Surely Leah's brother would not be happy with him. He would probably tear it up right away, or at least he could do that. Carlisle wasn't going to fight back. How could he believe that a monstrosity like him could deserve someone like Leah. How could anyone think that his true nature would not show up at some point?

He felt Seth transform and didn't dare to open his eyes. He didn't want to see the hatred and disappointment, he couldn't stand it. He waited and only hoped it would be quick, even if he didn't deserve it.

Why did fate do this to Leah?

To tie you to a monster?

It could go away, quickly and painlessly. He could die, then she would probably imprint on someone new. Someone made of flesh and blood who gave her warmth, not just pain. Carlisle suddenly saw a future in his mind, as clearly as he imagined that Alice would see it. Leah imprinting on someone. Sooner or later it would happen, even with its existence. The wolf in her would notice his mistake and someday someone would come, maybe not now or in years, but someday she will say yes to that person.

Leah was a stunning woman, and he wasn't the only one who knew that. Every man was aware of this. No matter if the imprint was from her pack, from her tribe or from the west coast in general, the day would come and she would say yes to the person. Because he could give her everything he couldn't.

A future.

The pain Carlisle felt at the very idea was indescribable. It reminded him of the pain of transformation, it absorbed him. Suddenly his act was forgotten, he only felt the pain that shot through his cells like a tidal wave. It wasn't just pain.

It was anger.

This anger overwhelmed him and made him tremble, it asked for an outlet, some outlet. Carlisle was too busy holding his feelings in check for him to have time to identify them. It was a confusing creation of pain, anger, desire and despair like he had never felt it before and Carlisle didn't even have a name for it.

"Carlisle?"

Seth's voice was low and wary.

He found that he had been motionless for far too long. It made people vigilant when they couldn't find evidence that made them human. The movement of his shoulders, what was supposed to imitate breathing, the winking, twitching and so on - all of this was meant to reassure people that they were not dangerous.

How they were wrong.

Only when he heard the young wolf take a cautious step towards him did he open his eyes. He stared stubbornly at the tree behind Seth, the rough bark, the fibers and the various shades of brown being patterned by him with a disinterest. Even if there was no disgust in Seth's, Carlisle's self-loathing was enough for the both of them.

He remembered the first moment when he understood what he was, it was hundreds of years ago but he still had it right in front of his eyes.

The disgust he felt towards himself was nothing compared to what he felt now.

He had hurt her, the one person who had brought him to life, who made him feel a happiness that he hadn't known before. The one person he thought he could never harm.

But until now, apart from suffering, he had done little good in her life. At first he had ignored her, almost completely lost her and now he had done the inexcusable.

He had bitten her.

Carlisle shook his head again. If he could only sleep, he would hope it was just a bad dream. A reaction in his brain to his deep-seated fears, a spectacle he could laugh about later.

But monsters like him didn't dream.

Even Edward, so inexpressibly drawn to Bella's blood, could pull himself together. Maybe he was weaker than he thought, maybe it just wasn't good enough.

Perhaps his noble thought of doing something good for people, helping them and paying for the sin of his existence was just a pipe dream that he had laid out.

It wouldn't be the first time, after all, he was wrong about Esme too. Just because he desperately wanted something to be true didn't make it a fact.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he hardly noticed how Seth gently touched his shoulder. Startled, he turned his gaze to Leah's brother's face and closed his eyes.

He took a deep breath, found some comfort in the earthy smell of the wolf, and yet he moved away from him as if his touch would burn him.

He didn't deserve the understanding in Seth's eyes, he didn't deserve forgiveness. What he had done was inexcusable and Carlisle would not allow him to be forgiven frivolously just because Leah was dependent on him.

Leah.

Her scream resounded in his head and he let out a sob. His thoughts turned again and he saw the monster again, what whined at him and wanted back.

He shook his head again. He wouldn't let the monster, have her, no matter what the cost. And if it was his own life.

"Please do not go."

Carlisle winced. The pleading tone in Seth's voice cut through his thoughts and his eyes finally flicker over the wolf's face. He was shocked by the sincere pain depicted on Seth's features.

Wasn't he aware of what had happened? He couldn't know, otherwise he wouldn't ask him to stay. Who would want to live under the same roof with a monster?

"Seth .. you don't understand. I .."

His voice broke off and he swallowed. There was a sore lump in his throat and as soon as he thought about saying what he had done, he felt the monster that feasted in the memories and the desire that crept through him. Carlisle felt so disgusted that he could barely take a breath.

His throat tightened and he welcomed the pain because he knew he deserved it.

"Yes, you bit her. She is fine, nothing happened-"

Immediately Carlisle's eyes snapped up and Seth automatically took a step back. The anger lashed through the vampire's frozen body and he bared his teeth.

"Nothing happened?!"

Seth raised his hands soothingly and looked at him pleadingly.

"Carlisle, don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?"

Carlisle laughed a cheerless laugh. It sounded atypically animalistic and yet it suited the situation. He was nothing more than an animal, an animal with no control whatsoever. He shook his head and looked around the forest again.

"Please. Don't go. Come back home. Please Carlisle."

Seth's pleading caught him again and clung to his petrified heart. The monster inside grew restless when it realized that Carlisle was actually considering leaving. But where?

There was no way he could get back to Leah. He couldn't survive to find the disgust in her eyes, he couldn't be hated by her. Not from her.

"I can't."

Seth narrowed his eyes.

"You promised her."

His words hit him more than he had ever expected. He had told her he would never leave her again, but he had also told her he would never hurt her again. Apparently it wasn't his gift to keep promises.

"Seth, I-"

Suddenly the Quileute narrowed his eyes and he stopped. Carlisle felt the heat that suddenly emanated from him and figured that the appropriate reaction to his heinous act was finally coming. The wolf took a step towards him and looked at him with hard eyes.

"This is not just about you, Carlisle."

His voice was harsh and he was just spat out his name. Carlisle slumped imperceptibly. Of course it wasn't about him, but he was the monster, he was nature's fault, something that shouldn't exist. He was the danger.

"Coward."

There was a threatening undertone in Seth's voice that Carlisle had never heard from the boy. It was ridiculous, even if Seth was quick, Carlisle had a lot more experience, he would no doubt win the fight. All he had to do was wrap his hands around his neck and the wolf would be at his mercy immediately.

But no matter what happened, he could never touch Seth and so it wasn't really a choice Carlisle had. The certain look in the young man in front of him, who no longer looked like an overgrown teenager, told him that he would just follow Carlisle. Plus, the option to disappoint Leah was, once again, worse than anything. Worse than facing what he deserved.

And Seth was right. He was a coward. He ran away cowardly instead of facing his mistake.

He took a deep breath and let Seth's familiar scent flow over him again. He would surrender himself to Leah and wait to see how she would decide. He didn't want to shirk.

Finally he nodded slowly and saw how Seth relaxed noticeably. With one swift movement the heat broke out in the person and the wolf emerged. Carlilse immediately noticed the resemblance to Leah, even if it wasn't visible at first glance.

He followed the wolf and concentrated on the heavy paws that dug into the damp earth. Nervousness rose in him and he swallowed it down. He wasn't a coward.

Her scent came sooner than he expected and it cost him all of his strength not to comply. He followed Seth's steps willlessly and focused again on the rhythm of his steps.

His body could already feel their closeness and the monster inside of him twitched happily. Carlisle swallowed. No matter how much he wanted it, he wasn't going to get close to her. He couldn't risk hurting her again. Should she ever let him near her again.

He could see her standing in front of the door and looking expectantly through the forest for them and it wasn't long before he heard her breath, which she let out with relief. She took a few steps towards him and he stopped. He didn't want to force him to be close to her, she wanted to have a choice.

"Everything OK?"

He stared at her, puzzled. Is that what she asked him?

Seth looked back and forth between them and turned back. He trudged slowly into the house, but Carlisle was not fooled. He knew very well that Seth was vigilant and monitored his every word and deed. Surely he wouldn't trust him anymore, he didn't trust himself anymore.

It took a few seconds until his gaze settled on her face, the fear of what he would find in it hadn't left him. What he found in her gaze made him shudder. With his keen senses, he had no problem studying Leah's face, even if it wasn't visible to human eyes in the dark.

Leah's dark eyes shone with worry, pity, and something Carlisle dared hope for. He didn't move and couldn't find words. What should he say? No word was strong enough, no expression in the world would suit his repentance. She watched in a daze as she trudged towards him at a quick pace. He wanted to back away, explain to her that she wasn't safe, but his legs didn't obey him. His body was so hungry for her that he had no strength to move away from her. She wrapped her arms around him, tentatively but firmly. He felt her nose pressing into the side of his neck, he felt her fingers digging into his back and her soft, warm, living body pressing against his.

Carlisle dared not move, he was too afraid of himself and what he was capable of. Did he want her blood? But he couldn't imagine that. Sure she smelled more than good, but it wasn't hunger that drove him. This abundance of new feelings overwhelmed him and he couldn't manage to name them. He wished Jasper were here. He would be able to tell him why and, above all, what exactly he was feeling.

Carefully he raised his arms and put them lightly around Leah's waist. He was breathing little, he couldn't risk losing control again. Her scent was pure and still carried his with it. It wasn't hard to smell yourself on her, her lips, her hips and especially her neck carried his scent with it and the way the scents mingled was like a perfect symphony.

She showed no signs of fear or doubt and the happiness he felt at one time was immeasurable. No matter how much he had enjoyed his family company, how much he had appreciated the love of Esme, and how much he had taken advantage of that immortal life, he had never felt anything like this. And even his self-hatred, the remorse, the anger and the disgust that he felt towards himself could not tarnish the happiness that their proximity triggered in him.

Hesitantly, he put his head in the crook of her neck and took a deeper breath. He had to get used to it, he had to find a way. Edward had done it, he would do it too.

But the feeling he dreaded did not come.

He felt desire and the urge to intensify the contact, but he did not feel any blood lust, he did not feel thirst or anything like that. His nose touched the place where he had bitten her and she winced slightly. He immediately closed his eyes. He was responsible for it. When he opened his eyes again and faced the fact, he found something that surprised even him deeply. He stared at the sickle-shaped scar, not even visible to human eyes, but to his eyes it stuck out and literally laughed at him.

He traced the restless line with his eyes and felt the monster again. But it didn't want to break out, it wanted to do things with Leah that Carlisle in his proper manner couldn't even think of, but it looked satisfied.

A word rumbled from the grimace and it fell like scales from Carlisle's eyes.

The monster didn't want her blood or her life. It didn't mean to hurt her.

He heard it very clearly, the creature hissing the word with so much complacency and pride that it disgusted him.

Mine.