Carlisle

As always, his eyes followed her unobtrusively.

In general, it was her presence that instantly tore his attention away from everything else and attracted him, whether he wanted to or not.

Her jet-black hair glistened in the sunlight as she watched Jacob and Nessie making a bracelet out of a bunch of flowers. Her expression was neutral, but if you looked more closely, and he did, you could see the peace that had spread on it.

He didn't know if he'd brought her that, but he was only too happy to imagine that he had freed her of the heartache that Sam had once caused her.

She felt his gaze and his breath caught when her dark eyes met his. Her gaze was open and yet illegible. Her full lips curled up in a smile, which Carlisle returned automatically. She turned away again and couldn't see that his smile was only referring to his mouth. It didn't reach the eyes.

Carlisle inwardly sighed.

Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't that be enough for him?

He knew that imprinting didn't necessarily mean love, and he couldn't possibly ask her for it. But still he couldn't change his own feelings.

His own emotions made the pain even more unbearable and he had to tear his gaze away from her to collect himself.

It was the question that plagued him, that haunted him and kept catching up with him.

Why didn't she love him. And what could he do to change that? Or was he doomed as his whole existence? Could he ever be loved?

His pain had already driven Jasper away, that much was certain. It had not escaped him that the vampire was more often than necessary in his and Leah's vicinity, but since Carlisle had openly expressed his feelings, he kept as far as he could from the unequal couple. Carlisle had no capacity to analyze the behavior, his thoughts were prisoners of his fear. Detained in his prison which he built himself.

As if Leah had sensed it, she turned to him and stood next to him on the expansive terrace.

He could already feel her body heat and felt his body automatically turn towards her.

Was it his cold? Did he radiate cold as she radiates warmth? Did it repulse her?

Carlisle imperceptibly shook his head. There was no point in puzzling over the matter and yet he could not help himself.

Her hand crept up to his upper arm and even through the fine material of his shirt he could feel the warmth that was spreading throughout his body. It was a good consolation and at least for the most part distracted his thoughts.

He took a deep breath and kept her scent in his lungs for a few more seconds.

His physiology did not allow nutrients other than blood to be processed. So he was forced to choke up food as it would just stay and rot in his stomach. Fortunately, there were only a few occasions when he had to resort to such means, mostly invitations from colleagues that he could not refuse. But everything else remained in him.

It was a strange and probably also quite disgusting consolation to know that after a kiss a little bit of Leahs salvia would remain in him. Certainly he would never say that thought out loud, but at the same time he wasn't ashamed of it. When it came to Leah, there was little more rational thought in the matter.

He kept his gaze on the couple in the forest in front of him, but was completely fixated on the woman next to him. His body had been drawn to her like a magnet and he could now feel her warm shape at his side.

Every breath, every heartbeat caused a movement that Carlisle immediately internalized. She was pure life and he clung to it as long as he could.

Her behavior had not changed, she was neither dismissive nor in any way different to him. On the contrary, she often looked for closeness, snuggled up against him and tried as often as she could to establish contact. It had nothing to do with the situation after the wedding, after all, she knew where he stood. She now knew about his feelings.

There was only one explanation for him.

She didn't love him.

The thought caused a deep pain in his chest. Almost imperceptibly he winced and Leah looked at him questioningly. Carlisle pulled her closer and bathed in the feeling. It washed away the deep despair he felt a second before.

If he couldn't have any more, that would have to be enough. After all, he had no other choice. He pressed his cheek into her hair and briefly closed his eyes. The imprint enveloped him with its magic and he felt how happiness spread in him.

He took another deep breath.

This time, however, another scent was added to her scent.

Esme.

Immediately he loosened his grip and automatically took a step to the side.

He didn't break the contact, but his reaction was enough for Leah to interpret.

Even if Esme had assured him more than once that she could handle the situation and were happy for both of them, he was still uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted was to bask in his luck.

Especially not after her being so generous and kind. He didn't even notice Leah's expression, which was imperceptibly changing, or that she was moving away from him slightly.

"She is afraid."

Carlsisle looked up startled. He hadn't even noticed Edward's presence, he had been so lost in his thoughts. It didn't take a mind reader to know who he was talking about.

Why?

Edward cocked his head and scanned the room with his bright eyes.

His son had gone through a change, that much was certain. The transformation of Bella and the birth of Nessie had done something in him that he could not yet name himself, but Carlisle saw it immediately.

It was as if a huge load had fallen from his shoulders.

I know you don't like to get involved, Edward.

Carlisle had the greatest respect for Edward's gift and his belief not to use it to interfere in the affairs of others. And yet he couldn't help but tense and wait to see what the younger vampire would go on.

"She thinks you will leave her again."

The word again tore his heart and Carlisle averted his gaze in shame. He was a vampire, it wasn't in his nature to forget something, but if he could, it would definitely be the time he had spent apart from Leah.

He found Edward's gaze helplessly.

What can I do?

He was at a loss. What more could he do but say he loved her. What else could he do but seek her contact, compliment her and be with her?

Edward shrugged and gave him a pitying look. Suddenly his face darkened.

"When I left Bella, it took a .. long time to regain her trust. Although she had already forgiven me, even though she really tried. It takes time and effort. "

Carlisle ran his blond locks through his hair.

Time and effort. He had time and he would do anything to get her trust back.

But what should I do?

The scowl on his face disappeared and he pulled the corner of his mouth up as he noticed Bella's scent approaching the house.

"You'll find out, old man."

With that, Edward disappeared, leaving Carlisle alone with his thoughts.

He looked silently through his office and his gaze caught on a certain painting. It was a confused mixture of colors, representing a storm or a stormy sea.

He had discovered it a few hundred years ago and saw something in it that made him take it with him wherever they moved.

While other paintings, much nicer and more expensive, were useless waiting in different warehouses, he hung that one up every time.

It reminded him of the time after his transformation, when despair had a firm grip on him and was only followed by loneliness.

He still felt the stabbing pain on his biceps and hand at the thought of that time.

The bites of his creator, whom Carlisle had never met.

They were cruel and not thought through, so the poison had taken a long time to enter his body.

The pain was prolonged and Carlisle went through days of agony. Now the two marks faded, pale and unnoticed. They didn't hurt anymore and Carlisle had gotten so used to the sight of them that he didn't see them anymore.

When he looked at them earlier, he felt despair and hatred. Now they brought with them other memories.

Apparently Leah had a fascination with the two scars, because whenever she could, her fingertips traced the sickle shape. Her touch caused even as mere memory an aroused pleasure in him.

It was shortly before he visited the Volturi, the first cultured and civilized vampires he had met at the time. Before that he was convinced that he was the only one who had retained a little humanity. Although the Volturi could not be called human, on the contrary.

But they had maintained a high level of sophistication and enjoyed arts such as music, good conversation, and science.

Even if his stay was limited to a few decades and he hardly got any further with his vegetarian attitude, these proud vampires changed him. They gave him a little hope that he didn't have to lead his life so dreary and simple, that he could very well enjoy and live out science and art.

However, they also made it clear to him that he would probably not find any followers with his diet and values. It brought a loneliness of its own and he longed for someone to share his life with. The thought of romance hadn't crossed his mind, first and foremost he wanted a companion, a friend.

But he also knew that he would not find it,he had to create it himself.

A task that, as he already knew, rarely went well and would demand everything from him. Above all, he would doom a soul to an aimless existence, a thought that was more opposed to him than anything else.

Still.

It was a couple of centuries before his loneliness finally overwhelmed him so much that he chose Edward among the victims of the Spanish flu.

There were the biggest changes, the transformation, the Volturi, Edward and now Leah.

His existence was no longer the same as before.

Next to the pictures was something that, with its shrill red color, ruined the noble overall picture of the gallery. It looked strangely out of place, like a forgotten holdover or a leftover artifact from the night before.

The greasy scent of the popcorn was long gone, only Carlisle, who knew the purpose of the cup, smelled it every now and then when his gaze slid over the red anomaly. He thought about going to the cinema, his desperate attempt to make Leah understand his intentions. Granted, it had worked, but still he grimaced when he thought of his own awkwardness. A state he now remembered all too well.

"Are you brooding again?"

He wasn't startled, but had to admit that he was a bit surprised. She had silently crept into his office and had probably been watching him for longer than he was aware. Carlisle sighed and looked away from the memento he had found in his car and just couldn't throw it away.

Esme's eyes were usually kind and warm. She was satisfied that Bella finally added to her family and that Nessie had found her companion in Jacob. If she was concerned about her own future, you couldn't tell.

Carlisle wasn't sure Esme even had such thoughts, either.

Whether she envied or wished the circumstances were different. Esme was so absorbed in her role as a mother and satisfied that it would not surprise him if she took her situation with the strength and serenity that he knew from her.

His look betrayed him, because suddenly pity shone from her light brown eyes.

"Carlisle."

The emotions that he had so carefully hidden from himself and the world rose up and he had to take his eyes off her. Even if they weren't meant for each other, Esme had been his mate - maybe not in the same way as Leah, but still she had been his partner.

She knew him, probably better than he knew himself. He trusted her with his life and his feelings.

Even with his eyes averted, he could feel her movements. Her hand touched his shoulder and he felt the cold that emanated from it. It was strange how much a touch could change in such a short time. Esme sighed loudly and leaned against his table. Her presence was comforting, even if he missed the warmth in it.

"What holding you back?"

Her voice was low and so clear that Carlisle would have heard her in the middle of a busy freeway. He played with the words in his mind and considered.

"Please don't tell me that I'm the reason."

Immediately he jerked his head up and looked into her familiar face.

"No."

Sure, he wasn't keen on causing more suffering by giving himself completely to Leah in front of Esme, but Esme wasn't the reason for his reluctance, he was sure of it. And he wasn't going to let Esme be blamed, especially since she'd suffered most from the whole thing.

"What is it then?"

Her voice was so soft that Carlisle's heart ached.

It wasn't fair of him to put his suffering on her too, not after all that had happened. But something in her voice was pulling his heart and he couldn't help but open up.

Esme had this gift that you felt instantly at ease. He had also observed it with the wolves, who should actually be suspicious simply because of their nature, and yet they sought her proximity. Or at least Leah didn't run away every time Esme showed up. At least not right away.

"I'm afraid."

The words were so honest that Carlisle didn't find it difficult to pronounce them.

It was true, he was afraid. He was afraid that Leah would change her mind, that she would fall in love with someone and leave him. Not only did Leah lack trust, Carlisle found it easy to convince himself that he didn't deserve her and that their relationship had an expiration date. A thought that he could hardly bear in himself.

He heard Esme sigh.

"Maybe it would be easier for you if you allowed yourself at least a little privacy and independence."

Carlisle jerked his head and stared at her. She could see immediately that he had no idea what she was getting at and shook his head with a smile. He was sure that he had heard "men" under her breath, even if he had no evidence.

"Bella is one of us now, Renesme and Jacob are fine, there is peace again with the Quileutes and yet you stay here as if something terrible were going to happen any second."

Still staring at her, he found that her words made sense, as always.

She was right.

What was he waiting for?

Or better - what was he hiding from?

It was the life he was used to, it gave him security.

The uncertainty with Leah worried him, not because he wasn't sure, he was afraid that he would be hurt.

He would never say the thought out loud, especially not in front of Esme. But it was the first time in his existence that he felt so vulnerable.

It was the first time that everything was at stake for him. Because no matter how much he loved his family, how happy he found himself in his role, an existence without Leah was simply unimaginable for him.