"I'm horny"

[Old Man] "hey horny, I'm dad."

"I'm serious!"

[Old Man] "I have no doubt that you are."

[Old Man] "So jerk it and be done with it."

"It would be better if you were here."

[Old Man] "Cutting straight to the chase, are we?"

"Say something dirty"

[Old Man] "FUCK … off."

"Come on!"

[Old Man] "Toilet. There. I said something dirty. The human mouth. Public transportation."

Eren snorted with laughter.

"Y'know it's hard to rub one out while laughing."

[Old Man] "serves you right."

Levi no longer got the chance to be lonely or bored. Eren had decided that it was his goal in life to text Levi at all hours and he was just not going to leave him alone. Short of blocking the kid, which he refused to do, Levi seemed to be stuck with him.

"Do you ever think about those fish in the Amazon that eat people and cows and shit?"

[Sexy Old Man] "What the fuck? No. No I don't."

"Like, if they eat a cow, how long is it before they have to eat again?"

[Sexy Old Man] "You ask questions about the weirdest shit."

"I was watching a show abt them! I don't ask weird stuff!"

[Sexy Old Man] "You asked me to marry you!"

"And the offer still stands. And don't forget the sex part. Would I still wear white? What are the rules nowadays?"

[Sexy Old Man] "OMG you are actually crazy …"

"Oh holy shit my mom would go insane"

[Sexy Old Man] "If she found out you were crazy? They say it runs in families ..."

"If i got married."

[Sexy Old Man] "Well she should be safe."

"You are going to have the BEST mother in law!"

[Sexy Old Man] "Oh dear god. I'm gonna have to have you committed."

"Mikasa could be the flower girl!"

[Sexy Old Man] "I'M NOT MARRYING YOU!"

"What if I get pregnant? Huh? Then you'd have to!"

[Sexy Old Man] "This isn't 1955!"

[Sexy Old Man] "Why am I even talking about this with you?!"

"Hahahah!"

[Sexy Old Man] "You suck."

"I can …"

[Sexy Old Man] "OH. MY. GOD!"

Levi was sorting clothes, usually not a big deal, just a twice-weekly routine. His and Mikasa's clothes went in a load; towels and sheets in another; and rugs, cleaning rags, etc in a third. He was doing a load of towels and was squinting at a kitchen towel, trying to decide if he should pre-treat the grease stain or if it would be OK. He washed the towels and sheets on hot (with much reluctance—hot water was expensive—but he had his squicks.)

He would at least pretreat the greasy rag and rinse it with hot water, he decided, when his phone buzzed.

It was his new buddy, his pain-in-the-ass, Eren. He smiled and picked up.

"I think about your ass sometimes."

[Sexy Old Man] "What the fuck? Eren!"

"It's a nice ass. Very tight. Very perky."

[Sexy Old Man] "OMG."

"Is my ass nice?"

[Sexy Old Man] "Fishing for compliments much?"

":("

[Sexy Old Man] "You know it is."

":))"

"Do you think about it when you … you kno"

[Sexy Old Man] "Jesus, Eren."

[Sexy Old Man] "You're killing me."

"DON'T DIE! I wanna bone you! We need to make babies!"

[Sexy Old Man] "You are obsessed with pregnancy."

"Well, I'm jealous. I'd love to have a kid."

[Sexy Old Man] "Then find some willing chick and get married."

Oh, EWW! Have you seen a vagina?! All those folds … and the slime …"

[Sexy Old Man] "You'll be stunned to learn that I have, actually, seen a vulva. It's vulva not vagina. Vagina is the bit on the inside."

"Whatever. It's like a sci-fi movie."

[Sexy Old Man] "The slime is the best part … soooo slippery ... no lube required. You just slide right in."

"THATS IT IM OUT!"

Levi huffed out a laugh

[Sexy Old Man] "My work here is done."

Levi was standing in his kitchen stirring pasta with one hand and holding his phone with the other.

"I'm hungry," Eren said on the other end.

"Then come over."

"I caaaannn't. I gotta study."

"Well, that's more important."

"You are such a dad. What are we having?"

"Chicken marinara. I broiled the chicken breasts and am going to serve them on the pasta with marinara over top."

"Ohhh my godddd. I should totally come over."

"Do it. Bring your books. We'll get to work after 'Kasa goes to bed."

"Oh ho! 'Get to work,' eh? You shameless flirt!"

"In your dreams, dickcheese."

"You just want to make mad, passionate love to me! Admit it!"

"You're delusional."

"Whatever, lover."

"Lover? We haven't even boned!"

"Yet!"

"Answer seriously: does it hurt when you think?"

"Mean!"

"I'm sorry. It clearly does and there I went and made you think again."

"Super mean!"

Levi used his shoulder to hold the phone while he drained his pasta. He ran hot soapy water into the pot while the pasta dripped.

"You are going to the hospital when your dad gets his surgery, right?"

"UGH!"

"Eren, we talked about this. You have to do it for your mom."

"Ugh, ugh, ugh!"

"OK, cave-Eren, leave your poor mom at that hospital alllllll alone …"

"Fine! I'll go for her."

Levi poured the penne into a large casserole dish and reached for the pan of chicken breasts.

"And it wouldn't be 'cave-Eren' it would be 'Eren-derthal' or 'Homo Eren-us'," Eren said.

"There's something wrong with your primitive mind."

"Get it? Homo Eren-us? Huh? Huh?!"

Levi hung his head and pinched the bridge of his nose while Eren howled with laughter on the other end of the line.

"So, what are you wearing?" Eren asked.

"Are you serious right now?"

"Is it the sexydad sweater vest? The apron?!"

Levi shifted on the couch. "Pervert. I'm watching TV for fuck's sake."

"So … naked?"

"I've got a kid!"

"So … just boxers?"

"Just sleep pants."

"What do they look like? Are they those thin ones that hang off your hips and show off your bulge?"

"Oh my god, you have thought about this a lot haven't you?!"

"Telllllll meeeee."

"They're fleece footie jam jams with Dumbo all over them."

"HAWT!"

Levi chuckled despite himself.

"No, for real …" Eren said.

"I am not gonna descri—wait. Where's your hand?"

"Aww, come on Levi!"

"Did I mention that I had a kid?"

"You don't have to do anything! Just breathe sexily."

"You moron. Do you think I'd be able to sit here and listen to you jerk off and just breathe?"

"You'd beat off, too?! Sweet!"

"Oh, sure, some sexy 21 year old is jerking it on my phone and I'm not gonna rub one out … What planet are you from?"

"Venus. You think I'm sexy?"

"Have you seen yourself?"

"Jesus! Thanks! We are two hot fuckers! Why aren't we fucking?"

"'Cause I don't prey on the mentally disadvantaged."

"Mean!"