Chapter twenty-three
She kept her eyes averted to hide her tears. His finger beneath her chin turned her face to him. It occurred to him that she could already be pregnant for all he knew. The thought didn't particularly alarm him. He had wanted her with no plan, no agenda, only his own long-denied need.
"Look at me, muchacha," he murmured.
She immediately dragged her tearful eyes back to his. He hated seeing the mix of anxiety and her hot tears.
"I have an appointment to get the depo shot next week," tears streaming down her face.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Ana blinked away her tears in disbelief. She didn't think such things needed to be said. What woman in her right mind would want to take a chance, especially when her future with her man was at best, uncertain? Taking care of a baby was no ball in the park. Her experience looking after Liliana had taught her that much. While caring for her had been immensely rewarding, it had also made her realize how much work and energy babies required. Perhaps the hardest part was giving up any semblance of personal time. She wasn't ready for this, she wanted to live a full life; she wanted to be in a loving relationship before children came into the picture.
"I asked Mia to take me," she murmured quietly and he shook his head questioningly.
"Mia? Don't you think this is something you should have discussed with me?"
Ana shrugged. "I didn't want to burden you, you're busy with work during the week."
Christian felt suddenly tired. One glance at the clock told him it was a little after one in the morning. Whoa. If how he was feeling right now was any indication, tomorrow he was going to regret drinking as much as he did.
"It will be okay. No matter what happens," Christian said, plopping back down on his pillow, arms cradling his head. The only thing he could do from now on was making sure he used a condom next time. "I will wear a condom next time," he said to pacify her. But really, what were the odds of her getting pregnant this one time?
Having decided the odds were against it, he closed his eyes for a moment.
"I don't know how you can say that," she said. Silence. Christian?" Ana laid her head back down on the pillow, overcome with a new wave of silent tears as she realized he'd fallen asleep. It occurred to her that perhaps there was still something she could about this still. Maybe if she got in the shower, she could use the shower-head to flush it all out of her system before his seed took root.
Climbing out of bed, she felt the ground sway beneath her feet. Oh, no, she thought, her head now pounding. She tried again, this time nearly getting knocked her off her feet. Giving up, she climbed back in bed and pulled the covers over her nakedness. This was bad, not being able to shower when she needed it the most. Darn it, she also needed to pee, but she was so dizzy she wasn't sure her legs would sustain her.
She turned on her side, facing Christian, with the covers up to her chin. He was truly sleeping like the proverbial baby. She wished she could sleep like that, but from the looks of it, this was going to be a long night.
How unfair it was that she was the only one to bear the burden of whatever happened to her body from this point forward. Watching him sleep soundly, dead to the world, it was all the more clear to her how he could just go about his life largely unaffected. She, on the other hand, if indeed his seed took root, had months ahead of her filled with anxiety. What if in a cruel twist of fate, she ended up dying in childbirth just like her mother?
It seemed like all females in her life always got the short end of the stick.
Back in Cuba, her friend Rosalia had found herself burdened with an unwanted pregnancy. The circumstances had been quite different. She had the bright idea of purposely getting pregnant the minute another woman set her sights on her boyfriend. The ploy had backfired in a big way. Her Romeo married her alright; they celebrated the occasion with a huge church wedding only to break up two months later when the other woman made a much-dreaded reappearance.
Poor Rosalia. In a desperate attempt to induce her period, she ended up visiting a herbalist. One day, Ana went to visit her and found her in pain. Ana couldn't believe it, Rosalia was almost four months along and she'd told no one what she was planning to do. Even though she was in bad shape, she begged Ana not to tell anyone.
Ana was glad she hadn't listened to her friend and made sure to get her the medical attention she needed. After a short hospital stay, Rosalia ended up being alright. Ana shuddered every time she remembered how close her friend had come to dying.
You might have some of those herbs in your kitchen right now.
Her dizziness trumped the urge to get out of bed to check. It was ridiculous. She needed to stop fortune-telling, it was not as if she was already pregnant one hundred percent guaranteed.
After turning out the light on her side of the bed, she tossed and turned, her earrings suddenly bothering her. She took them off and set them on her nightstand. Her hand brushed against the teddy bear Christian had given her. She brought him back to bed with her and hugged him tightly. It gave her a small measure of comfort.
She woke up four hours later. Christian was still asleep.
Her headache was gone. She carefully got out of bed, relieved her dizziness was gone, and she was at last able to use the bathroom
...
When she got back in bed, she lay down facing Christian. She studied his sleeping face for a long time. She reached to smooth back that strand of her across his forehead. He was gorgeous. She loved him so much. Just the thought that one day he tire of her was agonizing to consider. Funny how her life had changed in the last two weeks. Back in Cuba, she could barely stand him, and now she couldn't stand the thought of living the rest of her life without him.
But he doesn't love you.
He'd never said he loved me.
She blinked tears at the thought. She had told him she loved him but he had not said it back to her. It hurt so much.
Eventually, she fell asleep again a little past dawn.
When Christian woke up around 8 am and saw her sleeping next to him, he felt a pang of regret as the night's events played in his head. He stumbled to the kitchen and got himself a couple of Excedrins out of the medicine cabinet. It took him another hour to feel half-decent.
Ana was still sound asleep when he got out of the shower.
Part of him wanted to take off, as he remembered bits and pieces of his conversation with Ana right before he fell asleep. No doubt she was full of regrets, he'd had no idea she was so afraid of getting pregnant.
All dressed and ready for work, he leaned over with a gentle kiss to her forehead, waking her. She opened her eyes and stared right at him.
"Good morning, muchacha," he smiled at her and much to his relief, she smiled back a little. Maybe she didn't hate him after all. "I'm leaving for work. Mia didn't come home last night but expect her back anytime now."
Ana looked at him, alarmed. "Is she okay?"
"I'm sure she is. She's probably nursing a hangover. How are you feeling?"
Ana stretched a little. "I'm okay."
"No nausea? Headache?"
Ana gave the question some thought. "head hurts," she mumbled, holding her head.
Christian went to retrieve the Excedrin bottle and a glass of water for Ana. "Take this and stay in bed for as long as you need to."
…..
After Christian left, Ana called the clinic for a sooner appointment for her depo shot and was told there were no appointments available until her scheduled day. She insisted and the receptionist told her she was going to put her on a wait-list and they would call her if there were any cancellations.
She also took her long-awaited shower, using the shower-head to wash herself thoroughly, hoping it was not too late. From what she'd read, it seemed like conception happened faster than the speed of light, but she figured it wouldn't hurt to try.
…..
Around noon, Ana decided to go into Mia's room and return the things she borrowed. She hung the coat in the closet and placed the heels in the shoe rack. Intending to put the gold studs back in Mia's jewelry box, she opened the drawer where she'd seen Mia keep her jewelry.
Something shiny caught her attention: A key chain with the underground railroad logo on it.
Ana searched her mind. She was certain Mia had not purchased anything at the gift shop they visited last weekend. Christian had been the only one to purchase anything.
She'd been so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't hear the front door opening until it was too late. She was trapped, there was no way she could dash out of the room in time to avoid being seen, so she made the decision to hang onto the key chain rather than putting it back where she found it.
"What are you doing here?" Mia asked arms crossed, defensive stance.
"I came to put back the clothes and earrings I borrowed," Ana replied, holding the key chain in a tight fist. She debated whether confronting Mia now or waiting until Christian came home. Somehow, she didn't think she could go through the entire day without confronting Mia.
Mia tossed her purse and key on the bed. She turned to look at Ana with suspicion. "Why didn't you just wait until I was home?"
"Mia, you stayed out all night with that guy from last night," Ana said more a statement than a question.
"You know what, I'm tired of your holier-than-thou attitude," Mia spat. "It's like you've never made a mistake in your entire life."
Ana flinched a little, her words struck a chord. Once again, she thought of her night with Christian and having unprotected sex. The thought of an unwanted pregnancy loomed over her, threatening to take her to the depths of despair. She really hadn't meant to sound judgmental, but she didn't know how to turn off the way she'd been raised. One thing was for sure, Mia was right, after last night, she was in no position to stand in judgment of Mia's sexual escapades when she herself had thrown caution out the window and had sex with a man who wasn't in love with her.
Without thinking it through, she opened her fist, and Mia's hard gaze settled on the shiny key chain.
"What are you doing with that?"
"You didn't pay for this, did you?"
Mia snatched the key chain from Ana's hand and threw her two large suitcases on the bed.
She then started pulling her clothes off the hangers and throwing them in one of the suitcases.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving!"
"But...where?"
"I don't think it's any of your business!" Mia replied, stuffing her clothes in the suitcase with very little care.
Ana bit her lip. She felt bad, Mia should at least wait until Christian came home before she went anywhere. Not knowing what else to do, she left Mia alone, hoping that she would reconsider her decision once she calmed down.
Mia emerged from the guest bedroom with her two large suitcases and a smaller travel bag.
"Mia, please don't leave," Ana whispered but Mia ignored her and stormed past her toward the front door.
…
After Mia left the apartment, Ana called Christian.
"Are you sure she stole it?"
"I'm positive! I didn't see her purchasing anything at the gift shop. Did you?"
"No." He paused as he give the matter further thought. "I think you're right, she didn't...I would have remembered that."
"Oh, Christian...Where do you think she went?"
"I have the feeling we won't see her for a while."
"How is it that you're not worried?"
"She's gonna be fine. She's a big girl. She has friends in town...it's not like she has nowhere to go."
"I feel bad...maybe I shouldn't..."
"Hey, muchacha, don't worry. Mia is a big girl, she can take care of herself. I'm sure she will contact us when she wants us to know where she's at."
A short silence followed.
"Ana, can we talk about us?" No response. "What happened between us last night was special to me."
Ana shifted, holding the receiver tightly to her ear, recalling how she'd told him she loved him but he had not reciprocated in kind. Tears blinded her eyes. Oh, Dios, she had to be strong now. In an effort to keep herself from falling apart, she quickly dismissed the thought out of her head and forced herself to focus on more practical matters.
"When are you coming home? I need to go to the grocery store and pick up some things for dinner."
Christian hated how abruptly she'd changed the subject. He took a deep breath before answering. "Unfortunately, it won't be until after seven. It won't be like this forever, I promise. Tomorrow morning first thing I'm taking you to the DMV so you can apply for a driver's license. You'll have your license in no time and won't have to wait for me to come home."
Ana sighed inwardly. She'd never sat behind the wheels of a car and the thought of driving seemed daunting.
"Ana? Are you there?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"Also, this weekend, I will help you apply to Capella University so you can start taking online classes. They will keep you busy until you get your driver's license. There's a waiting period between your learner's permit and your final license, but it should be okay," Christian said in a clear effort to sound reassuring.
Ana sighed. She didn't feel much better after hanging up. And it wasn't only the situation with Mia; there was a lot that was left unsaid between them. For one, her thoughts kept circling back to her fear of becoming pregnant. A week was a long time to wait until she could get the depo shot. She wondered how she could survive a week much less the next hour.
….
Two hours later, she once again called the doctor's office again for cancellations. No such luck. With a heavy sigh, she tried keeping busy with household chores but the pesky thoughts kept intruding in her mind. In a last-ditch effort to put an end to her ruminating thoughts, Ana decided to turn on the smart TV and enjoy some Latin music on YouTube. She typed Jose Luis Rodriguez and much to her delight, the screen lit up with several of her favorite songs by the Venezuelan singer, one of her grandmother's all-time favorites performers.
Voy a perder la cabeza por tu amor
Porque tú eres agua
Porque yo soy fuego
de tus sentimientos
Yo ya no sé si he perdido la razón
Porque tú me arrastras
Porque soy un juego
De tus sentimientos
I'm going to lose my mind for your love
because you are water because I am fire
and we do not understand each other
I do not know if I've lost my mind
because you drag me
because I'm just a pawn
of your feelings.
Ana sighed in awe of whoever had composed this song. He or she was a genius.
How fitting. Life was now neatly divided between BC (before Christian) and AC (after Christian). Before Christian, she'd never really thought love could make a person could lose their mind. But After-Last-Night, she'd been converted the moment rationality flew out the window. Last night, she'd been completely at the mercy of his feelings.
The funny thing was that she couldn't wait to be in his arms once again. She continued to sway with the music, how she loved these old-fashioned romantic ballads. Ana's heart swelled with joy when she saw Camilo Sesto's songs in the drop-down menu of YouTube recommendations. She clicked on an all-time favorite, Perdoname (forgive me) She'd never seen an actual video of the singer singing and she was in heaven. She thought he was really cute and put his heart and soul into his performance. Grabbing a pillow, she danced around the room and fantasized he was actually her lover, singing this song just for her. The way he was singing, she would forgive him on the spot no matter what he'd done. She doubted any woman on earth would be able to resist his charm.
Next came another one of her favorites, Con el Viento a tu Favor.
No se si cuando sufro mas
si amandote o queriendote olvidar
que amargo es amar sin sen amado
es mi vida un desierto
con el viento a tu favor
es mi vida un infierno porque no tengo tu amor
I don't know how I suffer the most
Whether loving you or trying to forget you
My life is a desert, with the wind on your side
My life is hell because I don't have your love
My life is a desert, with the wind on your side
My life is hell because I don't have your love
The next YouTube suggestion morphed from Camilo's 1980's shaggy hair and boyish looks to a live performance in the early 2000s where he sported a baseball cap and ponytail, making him look impossibly young, making it seem like time had bypassed him like a gentle breeze. His powerful voice was exactly how she remembered it from his old records. This time he was singing one of his most popular songs Vivir Asi Es Morir de Amor ( To live like this is to die of love). While it wasn't exactly a ballad, the lyrics were romantic and melancholic, while the beat and tempo was catchy and heightened her senses, it made her happy, the type of song that made her want to move her whole body and enjoy its rhythm from beginning to end.
…
Christian found Ana in the living room watching a live performance of Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes singing Senorita. Camila was wearing a long flowy white dress and Shawn was wearing a white tank top, showcasing the taut muscles of his arms and chest. He sat beside her to watch, thighs touching, rubbing her shoulders.
Ana's entire body welcomed his touch, and her neck rolled to the side as he found that delicious spot on her neck that sent little shivers down her spine.
I love it when you call me señorita
I wish I could pretend I didn't need ya
But every touch is ooh la la la
It's true, la la la
Ooh, I should be running
Ooh, you keep me coming for you
On the screen, Camila was circling Shawn as she sang, touching his arms and shoulders. Ana was mesmerized, watching sing and dance was the most erotic scene she'd ever seen on television.
Pretty soon, Senorita ended and rolled into the next song, Havana. Christian rose to his feet and held his hands out to her. She gracefully took them and he pulled her into an embrace while they slow danced.
Havana, ooh na-na
Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na
I knew him forever in a minute
And papa says he got malo in him
He got me feelin' like, oooh-oooh-ooh
By the time the song was over, Ana had found herself in her bra and underwear as he had undressed her while they danced. The achiness down in her feminine parts returned with a vengeance, making her crave him like a drug. Then, suddenly they both were naked on the king-sized bed, sending the duvet tumbling to the floor, their bodies meeting instantly.
His mouth covered hers in a soulful kiss of passion, while his hand kneaded her mound and pussy lips with several squeezes and releases. She moaned into his mouth as he slowly began to suck on her tongue while she felt the other hand lifting her breast up and massaging the fullness.
"Christian," she gasped in his mouth when his fingertips lightly tweaked her aroused nipples. He stole her breath, her fear, her will, leaving her only with the anticipation of the pleasure promised.
"You like that?" He asked in a hushed murmur.
"Yes," she moaned restlessly, undulating her hips.
"Lay back and enjoy, sweetheart."
Feeling completely captive to his ministrations, she did as she was told and opened her legs for him. Without warning, his fingers twitched over her pussy with one burrowing deeper between the creases where she was wet and needy. His index finger played at the entrance, teasing her, making her impossibly wetter, making her feel she would lose her mind if he didn't thrust into her soon. She arched her back as his fingers moved away from her aching core went back to her clit, pinching sharply, sending a spike of pain mixed pleasure through her.
"Please, please!" She tossed her head side to side.
"What do you want, muchacha?
Ana struggled to speak. "Inside, I want you inside," she begged in a voice she barely recognized as her own. Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined anything like this...like this exquisite torture.
He pushed his fingers in. With his thumb, he pressed against her clitoris. He began to move his fingers and thumb in small circles. Then, with his other hand, he pinched her clit even more sharply than before. Pain and pleasure rose and burned through her.
"Awww~" She moaned, tossing her head side to side.
"Are you going to come?"
"Yes, YES!"
"Not yet, hold it."
She shook her head no. She bit her lip, trying to keep a lid against this relentless desire taking her under.
"OH- She breathed. Her body was writhing. She didn't care about anything but the present moment. Nothing mattered but those glorious hands of his, hands that kept working her. His fingers inside her, his thumb working on her hard clit. She was lost in sensation.
He needed her NOW.
He grasped both of her wrists with one hand, drawing her arms over her head and she let him do it. Knowing that she had given herself to him a second time so completely was thrilling beyond measure. He'd forgotten the condom box in the other room and briefly considered getting it but in the next second, he knew he wouldn't. The only thing that mattered was that he wanted her again like the first time, with no barriers.
He pushed inside her so deep and so fast, she lost her breath and clutched him with her legs and arms. He stilled above her, letting her get used to his size again. As her inner walls stretched around him, he cupped one of her breasts and rubbed his thumb over her nipple in erotic circles. She tightened all around him with each of his strokes, each flicking tease. Their lips met once again and the wildness in her took over. She inhaled his manly scent and bit his chest, taking more of his cock, gasping as the fullness became overwhelming.
"You've been good, muchacha, so damn beautiful. I want you to come now, for me."
Burying her head against his neck, she lightly scraped her teeth against his ear. He growled in response and his thrusting became unsteady and faster. Reaching between them, he tweaked her clit rubbing it with his thumb as his lips sought her neck. The effect of the combination of both was tenfold. So when he lightly pinched her clit release came to her without warning. She wanted to cry. Strange emotions welled up inside her as he came too with a low grunting sound.
He held her close, her body still pulsing and tingling with the aftereffects.
"You're so passionate, Ana, you're amazing!"
Must be my Latin blood, she thought but said nothing. A soft kiss on the forehead felt so romantic, she thought she must be dreaming. Except she wasn't. A nagging voice reminded her that he hadn't used any protection as he promised.
"I don't know...how this happened again," she murmured, disillusioned.
"It's the most natural thing in the world...two people being attracted to one another and wanting to be together this way," he said in an attempt to sound cool, non-chalant.
Once again, Ana noted how he had not used the word LOVE. Of course, she would agree with that statement one hundred percent as long as LOVE was part of the equation.
Christian stroked a tendril of damp hair off her forehead. He didn't like the shadow that had crossed her face and quickly tried to make amends. "I'm sorry. I should have used a condom but... I got carried away..."
A/N:
Wishing you the best this new year: beautiful memories and all the blessings a heart can know! XO