One woman can only be so strong, and goddamnit has she been strong. It was the perfect storm, 22 years of chosen celibacy in this partnership about to be thrown down the drain.
The "respectable amount of time" had been waited.
His proclamations of love, both those that were vocal, and the gaze he gives her that makes her understand morning people. She would wake at sunrise every day if that look in his eyes was the first thing she saw. To go an entire lifetime without being loved, to being filled with this constant love so strong it feels as if it could move galaxies.
Then there's "Eddie Ashes", she tells him it's cliche, campy. "Couldn't think of anything less obvious?", she jokes. But he knows, and she knows that it's a distraction. A distraction from the way that seeing him like that makes her entire body feel like it's on fire. Every inch of her a burning red ember, that only he could cool.
Then there's the 8 empty glasses on the table in front of them at this shitty little dive he invited her to,
The text came in from a number she didn't have saved, but she knew.
Free tonight. Lucky's. 9pm. Ur paying, captain.
She felt self conscious from the second she walked in, although she knew it was futile, the regulars at their assigned seats at the bar could not care less that she was there. Definitely could not care less that it took her 45 minutes to pick out an outfit, that these jeans were a size too small, but she wore them anyway because she knew they made her ass look good. As her eyes scanned the bar she didn't see him. This fucking prick. The worst of thoughts came rushing in her mind like a tsunami, but she tried to push them out and relax. Even if he doesn't show, she can have a cold beer, people watch, and take a night off of being Olivia Benson for once.
Her and her Miller Lite that she had already nervously peeled half the label off of by the time she sat down settled on a table in the back. A dark and secluded spot lit only by the burn of a fluorescent "Cold Beer Here" sign over her head. Minutes ticked by and she was worried the skin on the side of her thumb that she had been picking at was about to give way and start to bleed. As she swallowed the last sip of her beer that she drank far too fast, she saw him walk in, and her face was already hot.
His black button down shirt was undone to a level of what she thought may warrant the "No shirt No Shoes No Entry" rule kicking into effect. He disappeared into the sea of bar stools and deep down a part of her hoped maybe he didn't spot her. Maybe she could sneak out and not have to talk to him tonight. Olivia Benson. Captain of an NYPD squad. Debating how to avoid a man she has known for nearly half her life because she feels like a giddy nervous teenage girl. If Elliot knew, he'd laugh in her face.
The minutes it took him to make it to her table ticked by what felt like hours, but her stomach did yet another flip when she finally saw him walking over to her. That walk. She couldn't help but let out a little laugh when he set the tray he was carrying down on the table, "Eddie doesn't make enough? He's a waiter now too?". The smile on his face immediately turned to a smirk that only made the nervousness in her stomach to rise back up to her throat again, "It's all for us. It's been a long couple….well. Weeks? Months? Life? We are taking the edge off." She stared down at the four beers and two shots on the tray and wondered if he had forgotten who she was yet he cut her off before she could even protest, "The beer will get warm if you don't start now. Be bad for the night, Liv. It won't kill ya".
The conversation came easy, and it felt like all of those nights after a hard case. The nights they'd go out, drink too much, and talk about anything that wasn't work. The nights that were the highlights of her year, yet she hated. She hated the end of those nights, when he'd walk her to her door and she'd be a good person, make the right decision. When they'd silently stare at each other before she slowly slid her key in the lock and gave him the same soft, "we're good people" smile. Hated how she'd fall asleep alone, trying not to think of the way they made each other laugh. Her thoughts were beginning to get the best of her when she realized she must not have been talking, and his rough voice crudely snapped her out of her mental walk down memory lane, "Olivia, hello?". She shook her head as if trying to shake off the years of disappointment and yearning and he cut her off as she started to speak. "Where were you just now? I know your mind was somewhere, I know that look". She knew where this path would lead, yet the drinks had her feeling warm and daring. "The nights we'd go out. This just feels like that. That's all". She couldn't quite read the look on his face, but she could tell things were about to take a turn, and just like that she downed the last of her drink. "Reminds me of 'em too. Different though." The bait was there, and she couldn't help herself, "How?". His reply was quick, too quick, like he had been waiting for this exact moment, his voice low and whispered, "I can fuck you tonight", and just like that he had grabbed her empty bottle and was off to the bar to retrieve them more.
She wasn't sure if she'd closed her mouth the entire time he was at the bar. Their feelings for each other had been validated a few weeks back, but they hadn't talked about it, yet things had felt different ever since. Like there was a cosmic shift. They wanted each other, and now they both knew it. They always knew, but now they couldn't hide. No ring, no partnership, just their souls being bared to one another. Before she could let her mind do any more mental gymnastics, he was back at their table, only carrying two beers this time. "They don't care if you walk outta here with em, wanna go? My place is only a few blocks away." Things were happening too fast and she didn't quite know what to make of it, her mind screaming to slow this down, while her body begged for her to get her ass off of that chair, "You mean your camper?". He had that concerning smirk yet again, "I think you'd like to know that Eddie has now moved up the ranks to a studio apartment, thank you very much….And I was just kidding, we don't have to leave if you don't want to." As he was talking her eyes drifted down to his bright red chest, his chest hair, and those last few buttons that were still done and she felt as if something inside of her snapped. She had waited long enough. "Let's leave. Now." She was already out of her seat gripping her beer as she led the way out of the bar, feeling his eyes burning on her as she swayed her hips just a bit more.
The walk back to his apartment was completely silent, no sounds except those of the city, her boots clicking on the pavement, and their breathing. He led the way up the dimly lit staircase to his door and she couldn't tell if she was about to throw up or pass out. 22 years of wanting, all coming unraveled the first time they were alone since their talk. She figured it would be this way. How could it not? How much can two people take? The moment they had experienced so many times before, and everything felt the same yet nothing was. He was sliding his key in the lock and paused to turn around and smile at her. She moved first and her lips crashed roughly against his, decades of want unraveling into one kiss.
A woman can only be so strong.